Neil listened to this long confession with his heart in his mouth, and his head in turmoil. He was disbelieving, troubled and confused.
With a hoarse voice he said, "Norman, we can still be true friends without making love..."
"But you still desire me, don't you?"
"Yes, I do."
"I desire you too. I want to make love with you, please..."
"You might not like it; it could upset you... disgust you."
"Well, I have to try, don't I? But it will not disgust me, I'm sure. I desire you."
"Norman, one doesn't became gay just like that, between one day and the next."
"No, I know. But maybe I always have been, without realizing it. Or I'm... how do you say it... that I like it both ways."
"Bisexual, you mean?"
"Yes. But if I don't try, I won't ever know. And I would be happy doing it with you, because I like you, you are my friend... you turn me on."
"But then, if... what if you don't like it?"
"We'd still remain friends."
"And haven't you thought about me?"
"About you? You desire me, don't you?"
"OK, so what if we try it once, just for the sake of trying it. Then possibly you say 'enough'. How do you think I would feel? For me it would be much easier doing nothing with you than to do it just once and then pretend that nothing had happened. Can you understand that? It is already so difficult to control myself now... afterward it would be much more difficult. Can't you see? I could try once with somebody, who meant nothing to me, who was not important to me and that I didn't meet again afterward. But with you..."
"Christ, Neil, I desire it, you desire it... It's possible that it will all go smoothly; that it will work. Possibly afterward we might continue making love, mightn't we? I think that... that I will like it, or else I wouldn't ask you."
"You are not aware of what it means for two men to be lovers. It isn't easy. There can be problems with neighbours, problems at work, problems on all sides."
"You had them with your university student, didn't you?"
"I was not talking about my problems, I AM gay. I was talking about your problems. This is my life; I've had years to become comfortable with it. You can't change your life just like that, with a snap of your fingers."
"I've already changed my life. I don't know what it's going to be like, as I haven't yet started to rebuild it. Why shouldn't I rebuild it with you?"
Neil was confused. He was having difficulty getting his thoughts and feelings in order. God, he wanted that boy, but was it the right thing to do -- for both himself and for Norman? They were both silent for a long while.
Then Norman spoke again, "Neil... when you gave me the five pounds, then your scarf, and then you also smiled me... at that moment I expected you to try it on with me as many others had done. And I was astounded when you didn't, and that's why I followed you. I felt that you were different from all the others. You smiled at me; you gave me warmth... And possibly, thinking back on it now, I followed you and stayed with you because deep inside, without being aware of it yet, I wanted you to proposition me. That could explain things, couldn't it? Then, do you remember when I propositioned you for money in exchange for a fuck? I hoped you'd say yes, I think. It could possibly have been an excuse to do it. I didn't understand that very clearly at the time either, but now it seems so clear to me. You see I would have been able to tell myself 'I'm doing it just for the money...' but I would have done it. And then, dancing in front of you in that way... Neil, now I'm sure I understand why I did it. I want to make love with you. I don't know what it will be like; I don't know whether I'll enjoy it a lot or just a little, but I want to be your friend in every way -- totally -- including sex. Please, Neil, don't send me away, this time."
"No, I won't send you away, Norman. I want to be your friend too... your intimate friend, I mean. I like you and desire you. But I'm scared."
"I'm scared too, so we're even. Why don't you hug me?"
Neil stretched out his arm hesitantly and caressed Norman's cheek. He felt him tremble, but the boy seized his hand with both of his own and held it against his cheek. Then he sat up and made Neil sit up also. Their eyes shone in the half-darkness as they stared into each other's eyes.
"Why don't you hug me?" Norman asked again, trembling.
Neil opened his arms and the boy snuggled up against his chest. Neil held him tight and caressed him.
Slowly, they lay down again on the bed, embracing tightly, enjoying each other's warmth. They caressed each other's backs. Neil was overcome by emotion and couldn't get up the courage to caress the boy in a more intimate way; to kiss him -- notwithstanding his desire to do so was incredibly strong. Neil unconsciously started to hug the boy in his arms. Norman sighed gently and pushed himself harder against his companion's body.
"Is this alright?" Neil asked in a low voice.
"Yes, I feel fine." Norman answered.
"Do you like it?"
"Yes."
"Do you want... to continue?"
"Yes, please...."
Neil took Norman's chin in his fingers and kissed him on the lips. He felt Norman shuddering, then parting his lips and returning his kiss. Still kissing him, he lowered his hands and pulled down the boy's underpants. Norman moved a little to make it easier for him. Then he guided Neil's hand between his legs, to feel his erection. Neil caressed him there gently, then embraced him again and pressed his groin against the boy's, and their erections met for the first time. Then he turned so that the boy lay under him and started making love with him. He was expecting Norman to lie still and remain passive, as novices often do but, instead, was surprised to feel how actively the boy was participating. Then, throwing caution to the winds, he made love to him with a passion that he believed had died a long time ago. They kissed, caressed, and felt each other without stopping; they brushed their erections against each other, and Norman moaned with an expression of intense pleasure on his face. When at last they shouted their pleasure in unison, unloading between their squashed bellies, Neil lay down again on top of his companion, caressing him and giving him little kisses.
After a while he asked him, "How... how was it?"
"Beautiful. But why didn't you... didn't you... fuck my ass?"
"You didn't penetrate me either."
"I thought that... that you would do it. Don't you like doing it?"
"Yes. But I didn't want to hurt you."
"Does it hurt a lot?"
"It can, the first few times. I wanted you to enjoy your first time, not to feel pain."
"I enjoyed it. More than I expected. Did you enjoy it too?"
"Sure!"
"How much?"
"Very much."
"Would you have enjoyed it more if you... if you had put it inside me?"
"Yes, sure, or equally if you had taken me."
"Next time, will we do everything?"
"If you want."
"But really, everything?"
"What do you mean?"
"When men make love together, they also take it in their mouth, don't they?"
"If they like that, yes. But you might not like it, not everybody does."
"But do you like it?"
"Yes, I do."
"Both ways? Sucking and being sucked?"
"Yes."
"Then I want to try it too."
"One thing at a time. We will try everything you want," Neil said gently, cleaning the mixed seed from their bellies with some tissues.
"Thank you Neil. Can I keep on holding you while we fall asleep?"
"Yes, sure."
Norman fell asleep almost at once. Neil was too happy, and worried at the same time, to fall asleep. Happy at having that boy in his arms -- the boy he had already renounced, worried because he was wondering how long it would last. Possibly the boy, having satisfied his curiosity, would leave him. He mustn't disappoint himself by thinking that it could last. But for the moment he would enjoy what was happening, taking one minute at a time.
On the following morning he woke up feeling his member being caressed.
"Neil? I felt you had a hard-on and... wanted to touch it. Did I bother you?"
Neil smiled and shook his head. "It's a great way to wake up..."
Norman nodded gently and continued his intimate caress.
"But if you continue doing it, we might end up making love again," Neil warned him, caressing his cheek.
Norman blushed slightly but nodded again. "Don't you think what I want is OK? I mean doing it in the daylight, watching you?"
"How do you feel, doing it with a man?"
"Weird, but good. Exciting. I never thought it would be like this. I just never thought about it before. But now I like it. I don't know if it's because it's something new; because you're a man, or if it's simply because it's you. I like being able to touch you in this way; being touched by you. I mean that I also feel good doing... these things with you."
"So then, don't talk... let's do those things, alright?"
They made love for a long time, touching, looking at each other, savouring each small gesture, the slightest sensation. Norman was still awkward but determined to see it through, to explore all the potential of this new experience, of these sensations so new and unknown to him. Neil sensed the boy's mood and could understand that what he was feeling was a mixture of curiosity and pleasure. But he could also sense that a certain degree of sentiment was involved. In some mysterious way he felt that Norman desired him, just him... that he wanted to receive pleasure but that he wanted to give pleasure with equal determination. He didn't disillusion himself into thinking that the boy could fall in love with him. He knew that, sooner or later, he would possibly regain an interest in girls. But for the moment the boy was there with him; had made love with him; wanted to make love with him.
Neil had always been able to analyze his own emotions, his own feelings, and he realized, now, that if he wasn't extremely careful, he would truly, and easily, fall in love with this delicious boy. All things considered, he was already a little in love with him, but it wasn't too late to avoid falling in love completely. It would be easy, yes very easy, to fall in love with Norman. Not only because he could feel in the boy the same loneliness he had felt himself. Not only because the boy had a pleasant face and an attractive body. Not only because he was making love with him wholeheartedly but also, and above all, because he was a really honest, uncomplicated boy and, despite everything, life hadn't spoiled him yet.
But he must not, he could not fall in love with somebody who would leave him sooner or later; who might, in due course, prefer a woman to him. He would simply have to enjoy these moments while they lasted.
"Neil?"
"Yes, Norman?"
"Please... fuck me!"
"Not yet... It'll hurt you."
"I'll get used to it, won't I?"
"It will take some time..."
"But we have to start sometime... fuck me, go on..."
"I'll prepare you... a little at a time... if you want."
"It's what I want."
Neil began preparing him for penetration, with his tongue and his fingers. Norman relaxed completely and murmured that it was great... Neil felt him quivering intensely when he pushed his tongue inside the little virgin anus and felt it open. Then he lubricated his finger with his spit and, while he teased the small hole with it, bent down to lick and kiss the boy's steel-hard member.
Norman jumped and moaned aloud, "Oh, Neil... ooohhh!"
Neil took the beautiful boy's whole member in his mouth and sucked it -- working it with his tongue at the same time -- and pushed his finger into the boy's relaxed hole.
Norman moaned again, "I like it... Oh... it's... fantastic!"
Neil moved his finger about, continuing to suck him with pleasure, until he felt the boy becoming stiff, tensing all his muscles and moaning.
"I'm about... pull off... I'm... about..."
But Neil increased his stimulation until Norman unloaded in his mouth moaning quietly in pleasure. He kept the warm member in his mouth until he felt the boy relaxing again. Then Norman moved away from him and turned around to give the man that same fantastic pleasure.
"You don't need to, Norman..." the man protested weakly.
"Alright, I don't need to..." the boy replied and started to suck the first member he'd ever had in his mouth. Neil abandoned himself to his friend's attentions, and thought about nothing else.
After lunch, while they were chatting, the telephone rang. It happened so seldom that Neil, at first, looked at it in surprise without answering. Then he picked up the receiver -- it was Patrick, with an invitation to supper at his home that evening, in order to introduce him to his lover, Robert. Neil explained that he was not alone, and Patrick extended the invitation to include both of them. Neil asked Norman if he felt like going and the boy accepted, so he set a time for later. First they went to a pub near Kensington then went on to Patrick's house.
Robert was around thirty-five years old, with carrot-coloured hair and moustache. He was massive and had an open, likeable expression. Introductions over, they chatted while Patrick finished preparing the meal. At first Norman talked very little, evidently ill at ease, but then he became more comfortable and opened up a little bit.
During supper, at one point Patrick asked him, "What work do you do, Norman?"
"I... well... at present I'm not employed. Before, I was assistant in a furniture shop, in Bristol."
"Are you looking for a new job?" Patrick asked.
Norman shook his head, blushed then said in a low voice, "The fact is... that I can't."
"You can't? Are you ill?"
"No, it's that... well... there are a few problems," the boy said, more and more uncomfortable. At that point Neil intervened, changing the subject.
"When they were going back home, Norman said to Neil, "I couldn't explain things to them, especially with Robert there. He's a policeman, I would have been in trouble."
"Yes, I understood that. But, on the other hand, I was thinking that you can't spend your whole life hiding, can you? We have to find a solution to your problem. Don't you think you'd better see a lawyer?"
"A lawyer! With all the money they charge! No, it's impossible."
"I can give you the money. I'm not rich, but... I think I can afford it, and it'll be my pleasure."
"No. I don't want to take advantage of you. I'm doing that already, and you're already doing too much for me. I'll manage, one way or another."
"By begging for money in the streets, or working illegally here and there?"
"Why not."
"It might work out for a few months. But for years? What kind of life would you have? We have to find a solution, don't you think?"
"Neil, it's easier said than done. We'll see. For now I don't want to think about that. Let's just enjoy these days."
Neil nodded his agreement, but inside he was neither convinced nor satisfied about the matter. He thought about the boy's problem for a long while. Two days later, while Norman was out buying some milk, he picked up the telephone and called Patrick. First of all he made him promise to keep secret what he was about to tell him. He then explained Norman's problem. Patrick said he would talk with Robert to determine exactly what Norman's situation was in the eyes of the law: whether there was arrest warrant, whether a trial had been held already and, if so, what sentence had been imposed. Neil asked him to make sure, before doing anything, that Robert wouldn't report the boy and told him that only when he was satisfied on that score could he talk with his lover about the matter. When he hung up, he asked himself whether he'd done the right thing telling his colleague about Norman's circumstances. He'd always thought Patrick a little reserved but trustworthy, and he hoped that he wouldn't be proven wrong.
When the boy returned home, he told him nothing. On the 30th of December, a Sunday morning, Patrick phoned Neil. He told him that Robert had promised not to report the boy, but wanted to talk to him directly and therefore they were both invited for lunch. Neil asked for some time to talk with Norman and said that he would call back directly to give him an answer.
The boy understood from the conversation that they were invited again, so said, "You could have said yes right away. I like your colleague and his friend."
"Look, Norman, I wanted to talk with you beforehand because there is a problem. I phoned Patrick a couple of days ago, and I outlined to him your problem with the law..."
"Whaaat? Are you crazy? What right did you have to spread my business about? Are you completely mad? With his friend a policeman! Do you want to send me to jail?"
"Norman, calm down, let me explain..."
"Explain! What's there to explain? I told you the story because I trusted you... and you tell everybody! Are you taking me for a ride or what? You're completely..."
"No! Are you going to listen to me or not?"
Norman didn't answer and slumped against the back of the armchair, lighting a cigarette.
Neil continued, "Patrick assured me that Robert won't report you. He just wants to talk with you. He works at Scotland Yard and he can get information about your charges and he can advise you about the best way of dealing with your situation, don't you see? Taking you for a ride is the last thing I want to do. Surely you understand that?"
"But do you know him well enough to trust him? A policeman has a duty, a job to do. Why would he avoid doing it in my case? There isn't such a strong friendship, and if even there was, he's still a policeman."
"Patrick assured me that you don't have to worry. I would trust him. I was really just trying to help you, but if you don't want my help...!
"You make it all sound so easy. Anyway it's not you that risks ending up in jail, is it?"
"Norman, I'm sorry. But in my opinion you need to do something. If he says that the only thing to do is to face the music, you still have two choices: accept my offer to hire you a good lawyer or disappear. He certainly cannot arrest you there, at Patrick's home, can he?"
"And why not?"
"Come on, he's not on duty there. We're among friends. And anyway, if he tried to trick you like that, I know how to stop him."
"You? And how?"
"Evidently his bosses don't know he's gay. And if they did, he would lose his job at once. Therefore..."
"Would you blackmail him?"
"If he tried to be a bastard with you, I would. I wouldn't think twice about it."
"Ah! Then maybe you're right. He must also know what he risks if he's a shit..."
"I really think so. So, then, will you agree to talk with him today at lunch?"
"Alright. And forgive me for my reaction earlier... Perhaps you're not as stupid as I thought."
Neil smiled at that backhanded compliment. He phoned Patrick. When they arrived lunch was ready.
After the meal, Robert said to Norman, "So, then, Patrick told me that you have a problem."
"Yes, but you're a policeman. How do I know that you won't turn me in?"
"I don't know your family name, I don't know your address. I don't know what really happened, apart from the little that Patrick has told me. Why would I turn you in, and how?"
"In order to help me, you'll need to know all these things and so I'll be putting myself in your hands."
"Well, listen. If you'd killed somebody, I wouldn't even have agreed to meet you and I would have asked Patrick to advise you to go and see a lawyer. I wouldn't have wanted to know anything about it. But we can talk about a presumed rape. Rape is a serious matter, but Patrick says that it seems you were unfairly accused. So I agreed to talk with you."
"If you felt you should arrest me, would you do it, anyway."
"I would simply ask Patrick to warn you that if I met you again, I would have to arrest you. I promised him that. Don't you believe me?"
"All right then. Let's get on with it. First I'll tell you what happened in detail then, if you decide not act the policeman with me, I'll also tell you my family name and all the rest. Is that OK?
"Yes, it seems fair to me."
Then Norman told him what had happened.
Robert asked some questions, then said, "I have no problem with helping you. First of all I think I'll have to check what charges have been laid against you, as you haven't seen a warrant or anything similar. The only thing you know is that the girl told you that her father had reported you for rape. Let's check if that's really so. If the charge were just corruption of a minor instead of rape, for instance, things would be rather different, you see? But in order to check it I need all your data. Then, having discovered whether there are charges against you and checked to see whether a trial has been held or is still to be held, I can advise you about what you ought to do. Also in some cases, believe me, facing a trial can be the most sensible thing to do, and the simplest. It may be that all you risk is a few months' probation, as you have no prior record. You won't go to prison and can find a regular job. Once the probationary period is over, everything goes back to normal. So if you want me to, I'll gladly look into your case."
Norman nodded, then told him everything he needed to know.
"I may need a couple of days, perhaps more, to determine what your situation is. How can I get an answer to you?"
"Give it to Neil. We often meet and he can pass your message on to me. Right Neil?"
Neil understood that the boy didn't want to tell him that they were living together just yet, so he nodded.
That evening, back at home, Neil said to Norman, "If you want, you can stay here until we get Robert's answer."
"I am tempted, you know? I feel really comfortable with you. But then, won't it become a burden for you having me still underfoot?"
"No, or I wouldn't have made the offer. I feel comfortable with you too. You can stay as long as you want... more than just a few days."
"I don't like living off you."
"Norman, I am happy to give you a hand. And I am so happy not being alone. Therefore, as long as it doesn't become a burden to you, you can remain here."
"Forever?" Norman asked with a glance halfway between amusement and a challenge.
"As long as you feel alright with me. Sooner or later you will find a job, you will find a girl, you will make your own life."
"A girl? What has a girl got to do with anything now?"
"You like girls, don't you?"
"I think that you must know the answer to that, surely? I really like making love with you a lot, and you certainly aren't a girl!"
"When you've satisfied your curiosity..."
"I've already satisfied my curiosity. And I've realized that I feel comfortable with you, in every way. Why would I need to look for a girl? What can a girl give me that you can't? The only thing that's a burden to me is living off you. If only I had a job, I would be asking you to let me stay here with you."
"Are you pulling my leg?"
"No, I'm terribly serious."
"But two people, to really live together, have to be in love, not just friends."
"I honestly don't know whether I'm in love with you. I just know that I feel really comfortable with you and that I'd like to continue to stay with you. And to make love."
"But sooner or later you might meet a girl you like, so..."
"Neil! You're obsessed with girls! Anyway the same thing could apply even if you were a girl or a woman. I could possibly find another, couldn't I? Or possibly even a boy. Why not, now that I know I like it. You also might find another better than me. But you are so special that I honestly hope the two of us can remain together. If that's what being in love means, then I am in love with you. I don't know, honestly. I can't say that I am, as I really don't know, but I know that I would be terribly sad to lose you now that I'm starting to know you better."
"But I am twice as old as you..."
"Bollocks!"
"I'm old enough to be your father..."
"I would never fuck with my father. With you, yes, and I like it a lot. But it's not just that. With you I feel comfortable in every way. How do you feel?"
"Christ, Norman! I like you so much! I never imagined being lucky enough to meet someone like you. I am trying hard not to fall in love with you, but with little success, I'm afraid."
"Trying hard? Why?"
"Because I don't want to fall in love with you and then lose you. I would be devastated. But if you stay with me, I'm afraid it will happen. I will fall in love..."
"I hope... I hope we won't lose each other. I can't tell you more than that."
"I won't demand anything from you. I can only hope."
Norman smiled at him. It was the first smile that Norman had given him since they first met. Neil looked at him, fascinated.
"Christ, boy! If you smile at me like that, you'll make my head spin..."
"So I shouldn't smile at you?" Norman asked with a cheeky smile.
"On the contrary! You should smile more often."
"I think it'll happen, you know? Since I've been with you, I feel like smiling more and more. Before, I didn't have many reasons to smile. You're giving me lot of reasons."
Neil was happy now, but he still didn't want to be disappointed. The boy, at least for the moment, was happy staying with him, making love with him. This already seemed almost a miracle. But how long would it last? For the moment it was better to enjoy things one day at a time, without getting his hopes up or making any plans. He was thinking about that when Norman interrupted his thoughts.
"You know, I like Patrick and Robert. They seem like two good blokes. Moreover you wouldn't describe either one of them as a fag... I mean gay. One wouldn't guess about you either."
"Because one is gay doesn't mean that it's written all over his face. Many gays have normal faces, almost all of them."
"Yes, I believe you. But it isn't only the face, but also the way a person speaks or moves. In you there's nothing..."
"Effeminate? Well, the vast majority of gays are not effeminate. Just a few are. People believe that we were all intended to be women; that we corrupt minors, and rubbish like that, but it's not true. No more so than for straight or married people, I mean. But people are still full of prejudices."
"You told me that there are pubs and discos that gay people attend. I would like to go there and see for myself. Would you take me there?"
"If you want. We can go there tomorrow evening."
"Good. But now... why don't we hit the sack? If you feel like it... you can undress me. I'd like that." Norman said, smiling at him shyly, trying to hide his slight embarrassment at saying these words.