Date: Wed, 1 Jan 2003 23:50:00 EST
From: JuilianJ@aol.com
Subject: to sir with love part 4

TO SIR WITH LOVE
BY: JULIEN

This story is 100% fictional and is by no means depictive of the life of
any person, place or thing.  It contains sexual activities between males
and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area.  Read at your
own risk and enjoy.  Comments are welcomed and would be very much
appreciated.  ENJOY!

For a while, things began to look up for a change.  Mace was keeping his
word and had not raised a hand to me, his voice was a different matter.
And it seemed that at every opportunity he had, he would get nasty.  This
morning was no exception.

"You always have some fucking smart ass comment to make, don't you."

"It was a joke Mace!  God, I thought you would have liked it."

 "Well I didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, your ass is always sorry.  Shit, I don't know why put up with your
white ass sometimes."

And it was if my heart broke in two when I heard him say that.  For him to
purposely be so hurtful for no apparent reason made me feel inferior.  And
in a tone that I had never used before I replied with,

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

He didn't even bother apologizing.  And I wondered if I were better off
taking my chances with him hitting me, at least then there would be a
period of loving conversation afterwards that I so longed to hear.  He
continued to shave, watching me in the bathroom mirror and muttering words
that I only could imagine, under his breath.  And when he was done, he
washed his face, finished dressing and left without as much as a glance my
way.

"I got tickets tonight to go see the New York Knicks, come with me."

And even though the companionship would have been nice, I knew that I'd end
up just thinking about Mace.

"No thanks Dave, I think I'm going to just go home and go to bed."

"Come on Stefan, I thought you liked the Knicks."

"I do but not tonight, please."

He just threw his hands in the air and conceded.  I knew him well enough to
know that he could get a replacement for me just as quickly.  With his
looks coupled with his personality what girl wouldn't go for him.  If I
were not with Mason I would have found myself strongly attracted to Dave.
With his dark skin and low hair cut, put with that his light brown eyes and
the dimples to match, I could have almost seen myself falling for someone
like him - if I were single and if he were gay.

"Your loss Bradford.  But if you change your mind, call me."

"I won't"

I started to say but by that time he was half way to his desk.  At lunch I
took an unprecedented trip away from the office, away from the busy
restaurant and shopping districts and away from Manhattan.  Instead I
choose to spend my lunch break at home.  I had never done that before but I
longed for the feel of it without my boyfriend around.

By the time I got off of the subway I was already twenty minutes into my
break.  I stopped at a bodega and purchased a pre packaged Roast chicken
breast with yellow rice then walked the block and a half home.  As I
approached the driveway I was more than little surprised to find Masons'
car there.  I cautiously walked up to the door and inserted the key,
turning the handle as quietly as possible.  If he was home at this hour of
the day, something had to be seriously wrong.  I put the food on the
kitchen counter and started for the stairs.  Halfway up I heard Masons'
deep voice.  It sounded as if he were talking to someone on the phone.

"Mace."  I called out only to hear complete silence in return.  All
conversation ceased.  I took the steps now two at a time and found myself
locked outside of our bedroom.

"Mason open the door!"

It seemed as if a lifetime had passed before the door finally opened and he
pushed himself past me.  I pushed the door wider and saw the reason for the
door being locked.  Sitting on the edge of our bed buttoning his shirt was
a man that I did not recognize nor was I aware that he was one of Masons'
so-called 'friends'.  He sat there looking at me not saying a word, instead
taking every opportunity to look at his reflection in the mirror.  I
slammed shut the door and stalked downstairs after Mason.

"Who the hell is that?"

In my heart I already knew the answer.

"It's nobody."

The fuck it isn't.  I'm tired of this shit Mason.  I will put up with a lot
of shit from you but not this!"

"Well leave then.  You think I actually give a fuck how you feel Stefan?  I
stopped giving a fuck a long time ago so why don't you get the fuck out of
my face, pack up your shit and LEAVE."

With that he went back to drinking his beer.  By this time tears were
streaming down my face.  The man I had for ten years invested my time and
love into had just told me that he didn't want me anymore and the worst
part of it was that I believed him.  He had never sounded as sincere as he
had now.

"You piece of shit!"  I screamed taking the food that I had just bought and
throwing the container at him.  The look on his face would at any other
time had me cowering in the corner but not now.

"You are fucking going to pay for this."

And with that he charged me knocking me on the ground.  My head hit the
floor hard and I cried out as the pain surged through my entire body.  With
fist raised I attempted to fight back as his fist rained down on me with
much force and vigor.  But needless to say at the end of it all, my nose
was bleeding and my face was nothing but a mass of bruises and swelling.  I
had been knocked unconscious by one blow in particular and had woken up
alone on the floor, alone.  My body ached and I was in pain, too weak to
cry.  In the bathroom I locked the door for protection and began spitting
up blood.  When no more blood was visible, I slowly filled up the tub with
water and filled it with salts then stepped into it fully clothed.  Even
when the water reached the brim, I refused to turn off the tap choosing
instead to lower my head underneath it all till I couldn't breathe anymore,
till I couldn't feel anymore, till my eyes closed for what I had hoped
would be the last time.

	"Thank God, he's coming to."

I heard the voice but I couldn't place it nor I didn't know whom it
belonged to.

"I told you Mr. Bradford.  All it takes is one family member or friend to
bring them back.  Someone who cares to let them know they're needed."

I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't.  They felt as if they had been
stapled shut.

"What's happening?"

"He's trying to open his eyes."

"Can He?"

"He's not going to be able to, not with the swelling.  Maybe in a few hours
when it starts to go down."

"Is anything broken?"

"No, but he has a few fractures and I think that I want to keep him for one
more night just to make sure everything is ok."

"I just can't believe he would try and kill himself.  That's not like
Stefan."

"Sometimes problems just get too great.  But I would recommend that when
he's released he should get some serious counseling.  If you had brought
him in fifteen minutes later, he wouldn't have made it."

And listening to them talk about what had happened left a heavy feeling in
my heart.  I couldn't believe I had stupidly tried to kill myself!  And
over what?

"We should probably leave him to get some rest, he needs to get his energy
back."

"Thank you doc for saving Stefan's life."

"You're welcomed but please get him the help he needs."

"I will."

"Good.  I will call you when he is awake and talking."

"Thank you."


I had been awake since the first rays of sunshine hit my eyes this morning.
I felt a bit dizzy and it took a while before anything came into focus.  I
figured that they had me doped up for I felt virtually no pain in my face
or in my body.  A matter of a fact, I felt numb.

"It's good to see that you're awake."

I looked over to my right and saw a man in a white lab coat and assumed him
to be my doctor.

"I'm Dr Phillips."

"Stefan."

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"Not too good, I can't feel anything."

"Well the morphine we gave you last night should be wearing of shortly and
the pain should be returning soon."

I don't know if I were happy or not to hear that.

"Who brought me in?"

"Your brother.  You were lucky Stefan, really lucky."

"I heard."

"Your brother is outside.  Are you up to seeing him?"

"Yes."

With that he turned around and left.  Minutes later Chris came in holding a
bouquet of flowers.  He put the bouquet on the nightstand then bent down
and embraced me.

"Jesus Stefan, what the hell happened?"

I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt all the more remorseful for
doing what I did.

"I'm sorry Chris, I didn't think, I'm so sorry..."

And with that, I broke down right there in his arms.  He stroked my back
with one hand and allowed his other hand to run through my hair, something
that as a child always managed to calm me down.

"Listen to me and listen to me good Stefan.  If I have to tie you to the
bed at home I will because I'm not going to stand by and watch you go back
to him.  I promised mom when she died that I would look out for you and I
don't intend to break that promise.  You could have died, you know that
don't you."

"Yes" I feebly managed to get out.

And I did know how close I came to dying.  I felt it happening and I was
terrified.  And to think that I could have gone and put my brother through
all of this made me want to kick myself.

"I want you to get some help Stefan.  I want you to talk to a psychiatrist
about everything.  You can't keep living like this."

"I know."

"No you don't know.  You keep saying you do but you don't know.  You can't
plan your life and your self worth around a man ok.  Mason cannot be your
life.  You have no idea how I felt when I got the call from Dave saying
that you didn't come back from lunch.  You have no fucking idea how many
thoughts went through my head.  And when I found you in the water, not
breathing and beaten up...you just have no fucking idea how that feels."

And to see my brother fighting off tears had me feeling something that I
had never felt before, something indescribable by words.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." was all I could get out before totally breaking
down.


TWO WEEKS LATER...

I had made a conscious effort from that night forth to get myself out of my
situation.  I had moved in with Chris until I was able to afford something
on my own.  With all my monies being tied up in a joint bank account with
Mace, It was like starting out from scratch with just the shirt on my back.
I had seen the psychiatrist the doctor had recommended and I liked him.
Even though we had only met three times, I felt that he was making an
impact on my life and helping me make the changes I had to make somewhat
easier.

At our first session we had discussed the relationship I had with my
parents.

"I'm going to give you thirty seconds to write down words that you
associate with the following people."

He then proceeded to call the name of each member of my family starting
with my father.  And at the end of it all, I surprised myself with the list
I had come up with.

"It's hard to believe you thought of all this right?"

"Yeah, it's just that I never thought about it, I just don't like to think
about them."

"Is that why you feel so connected to your current relationship?"

"It could be, I mean before Mace I had no one but Chris and then he ups and
goes away leaving me behind.  And then this incredible, handsome guy comes
along and guess what, he wants me!  He used to make me feel so wanted, so
loved."

"What changed then?"

"I don't know.  I ...he just changed into,...he became like my father, a
monster.  And I thought it was me, I mean if I changed my behavior maybe,
maybe he would see what he had."

"And do you feel that way today?"

"No, I can't make him change.  It's taken me ten years too long to realize
that."

And even though I loved him, I couldn't be with him.  Not with the way he
treated me.  After he found out from a reluctant Chris that I had tried to
commit suicide, his whole tune changed.  He came to see me and it took all
I had in me not to curse him out.  That wasn't the way I wanted him to see
me.  I refused to be like him.

"Stefan"

And for once I took the active role.

"No, you shut up and listen to me for a change."

And to my surprise he actually did.

"When I met you, I thought it was the best thing to happen to me.  You were
everything that I needed at that time.  You used to listen to me, encourage
me, you used to love me but you changed.  I mean all this time I've been
trying to fix myself but I've finally realized that there is nothing to
fix.  I'm not the one with the problem, you are.  But I'm not going to
blame it all on you.  I guess I allowed myself to stay in that situation
hoping for the best and it's my own damn fault if I chose to stay and work
it out instead of seeing the obvious right in front of me.  You don't love
me Mason, this is not love."

"I...I don't know what to say.  I never meant anything I said to you that
day.  I was just..."

"You can't even find an excuse.  You don't love me.  All you ever wanted to
do was control me and I let you and this is the result."

He couldn't even bear to look at the damage he had inflicted.

"You can't even look at me, what does that tell you.  I just want you
to...I want you to...Dammit Mace, if you ever loved me, just get out of my
life."

"You know I can't do that Stefan.  I'll never let you go."

"Well you're gonna have to.  I refuse to live this way, explaining my
bruises, making excuses for you, trying to watch my step around you.
You're not my father but you sure as hell act like him and I don't need
another father in my life."

"What if I get help, if I go talk to someone, will you come back."

His voice displayed his desperateness.  But unlike the other times, I was
not fooled.

"I would love it if you could get help and we could be friends.  But that's
as far as I'm willing to take it with you.  I don't trust you anymore, I
doubt I will for a long time."

And for the first time in a long time he was totally silent.  And I
wondered what thoughts were running through his head.

"You're really willing to throw away ten years like they didn't mean shit
to you?  Is that how you repay my generosity."

"No, you threw away ten years like that.  And as for repaying you for your
generosity, you should have done everything you did for me out of love not
pity or goodwill.  If you loved me like you claim, you wouldn't have even
asked me that question."

And that was how our conversation had ended.  He had walked out not even
acknowledging me and even though it hurt at the time, it was the final
piece of evidence that I needed to make me realize that I was making the
right decision.  Chris had been more than happy to hear about Maces'
departure and had even offered to throw me a party for that reason only.

"Come on Stefan.  What more could you want.  If I could organize a parade
for you I would but this is the best I can do."


That's not what I mean.  I just don't think I'm ready for that yet.  I'm
still missing him and I still love him and it's going to take time to get
over that."

"So who says you can't get over that...with friends.  You need a support
system Stefan, that's where we all come in."

"I know but to have all those people around, knowing what happened..."

"Ok, no party then."

"Thank you."

Instead he surprised me by purchasing two tickets to go see a Knicks
vs. Suns game and hinted that I might want to take someone special.

"Who?"

"Who else!"

"Dave and I are just co-workers."

"And red is just a color, who cares.  Go with him and have fun for a
change.  Besides, I think Dave might be the one to help you get over you
know who."

"You must be nuts.  Dave and me!  The man is straighter than an arrow
and..."

"And you my brother are as blind as a bat.  You're going to tell me that in
the years you've known him, you've never ever once thought that he may just
be willing to switch teams."

"I've never thought about it."

"Well start thinking, these tickets are for tomorrow."

We did end up going to see the game and I had to admit that I had a good
time, never once thinking about Mason.  And at the end of the night when
Dave kissed me on the lips, I all but fell head over heels.

"Speechless."

"Ah, yeah!"

"Well I think it's cute.  I had fun tonight and would love it very much if
you would go out with me again come Friday.  We can do whatever you want."

"Yeah, that would be great."

"Well you better get in before your brother comes looking for you."

And like a teenager, I had watched from the window as he drove away not
leaving my post till he was out of sight, but never once did he go out of
mind.

That first date had quickly turned into a second and third and before long,
it was like we were a couple.  I still had qualms about forming a long-term
relationship with anyone but as my therapist continues to remind me, 'it
will take time'.  He had agreed with my decision not to rush into anything
and thought it best that I take as much time as I could and for once, spend
it on myself.  This worked for all of three months before I felt those
familiar urges, wants and needs begin to rise up.  I had to admit that I
was scared at first, not ever wanting to fall into the trap that I was in
with Mace again.  But with Chris by my side and Dave willing to work with
me, it wasn't long before those fears were quashed leaving only endless
possibilities.

And on the first year anniversary of my leaving Mace, I was finally able to
celebrate and enjoy that party that Chris was talking about.

EPILOGUE:

I had thought that at seeing him again I would have been reduced to putty
but I surprised myself by remaining strong.  He still had that
self-assurance about him and that commanding presence but all those things
and more that had turned me on to him at first, had no effect on me now.

"You look good Stefan."

"Thanks Mace, so do you."

"Thanks.  So what brings you here.  I thought you didn't want to see me
again, you wanted me out of your life, wasn't that what you said?"

"Yes it was and at the time it was what I needed.  I just came here to..."

"Gloat.  Show me what a better man you are without me.  Show me how your
life has turned around and how you did it without me to hold you back."

"No, I didn't come to gloat.  I just came to let you know that I still care
for you and wanted us to remain friends.  We did have some good times Mace,
a lot of them."

"Well if they were so good why aren't you here with me instead of being
there with him."

"You know if we had continued things the way they were one of us would have
ended up dead.  You know that Mace, I know you know that."

"You don't know shit Stefan ok.  You don't know shit.  What we had, it was
good and we could have fucking worked it out if you wanted to but
apparently you didn't so you just gave up."

"So it's my fault then."

"Hell yeah.  Half of the shit that went on, you brought it on yourself."

And hearing him say it, no window dressing, just straight up made me just
shake my head.

"Well I'm sorry you feel that way.  I thought we could have ended this on a
peaceful note but I guess we can't."

"No we can't."

"Well I have to go but I really hope that the next time you get involved
with someone you'll think about getting some help first."

And I handed him my psychiatrists' card.  He just stood there staring at me
as if I were speaking a foreign language.

Back at home, and yes I did manage to buy my own home up in the hills, I
made a phone call to the person that had been waiting on this the entire
day.

"Hello."

"I did it Chris!"

"And."

"And nothing, he still believes I'm to blame for everything.  You were
right but I'm still glad I went and saw it for myself."

"I'm sorry Stefan.  I know how bad you wanted to at least hold on to his
friendship."

"Yeah but it doesn't matter, I'm over that and I'm over him."

"And I'm happy for you.  Did you call and tell Dave yet?"

"No but I will when he comes home tonight."

"I tell you it's just stupid for both of you to be living in two different
parts of the state.  One of you should move in with the other."

And the thought had crossed my mind but I knew I was not ready for that
step yet and Dave knew it too.

"It's too early for that Chris but who says we can't pretend."

"It's your ballgame Stefan."

"You damn right it is."

And he had laughed into the phone giving me the feeling that for once in my
life, I was actually doing something right.

THIS IS IT.  I FELT THE STORY WOULD HAVE LOST ITS' PURPOSE IF I ALLOWED IT
TO CONTINUE AND SAW THIS ENDING AS A WAY TO CLOSE IT OFF NICELY.  I WOULD
APPRECIATE COMMENTS ON WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF IT AND WHAT IF ANY DID YOU GET
OUT OF IT.  LOOK FORWARD TO READING THOSE EMAILS AND THANKS FOR THE
CONTINUED SUPPORT...