Date: Sun, 26 Feb 2023 20:49:10 +0000 From: Jonah Subject: Fingered - Part 6 Please remember to, if you can, donate to Nifty at https://donate.nifty.org/ ---------- Part six: Consent There was a steady beep. Not as regular as a heart beat, but frequent, and annoying. The beeping was set upon a backdrop of a constant low humming sound, not as loud as a vacuum cleaner, but as if I were asleep next to my computer. Then there was the smell. Words cannot scarcely do it justice but the best description I can give is the smell of citric acid so strong as to make you hate lemons. I knew I was waking up in bed, but everything felt different. The sheets felt coarse and dry whilst the mattress felt like it was less than an inch thick and made of foam. Gone was my chunky and warm bedding; replaced by just a few thin sheets. Moving unexpectedly felt difficult and even opening my eyes was a battle. The only thing that hurt was my left hand, like I'd been bitten by something. Within a few moments I'd won the battle and my eyes were open. This was not my bedroom, and there was a bandage of sorts over my left wrist and a tube snaking away from it to a machine. This machine was revealed as the secret nemesis of my sleep - every so often it would beep, flash yellow, and then fall silent. This was definitely a hospital. It didn't look like a ward though, I seemed to be in a room to myself. Everything seemed blurry still, but I could make out a big TV in the corner and a small collection of books on a shelf. The door to the room was open and every so often somebody would pass by, all protected by masks and gloves. My thoughts were interrupted by a beeping sound from another machine behind me and this attracted the attention of a nurse who entered the room, presumably to check on the sound. "Great! You're awake. How do you feel?" he asked me whilst fussing over the machine behind me. "Confused. Tired. What am I doing here?" I asked. "We're not certain, but we believe you had a seizure. You likely fell down, and hurt your head in two places. You've been out of it for nearly a day." he replied calmly. "Are... are my family here?" "They are, I understand they went to get a bite to eat. Two of your friends have been" he said, picking up a pad at the end of the bed. "Yes, your friend Adam was here this morning, and you were brought in by your friend Ben" he said whilst reading from the tablet thing. Ben. It suddenly flooded back to me, he was why I was here. He... did that, whatever it was thing to me. Oh no, he stole my gift! My finger power was gone. I felt betrayed, used, violated. My gift had begun to be a problem but I didn't want it stolen from me. Worse, Ben came with me to the hospital? That deceitful bastard. "Am... am I sick? What's wrong with me?" I asked, although I suspected they had no idea what the fingering or "axonpathos" thing was. "No, no. You've just gone through some form of..." he paused, seeming to choose his words carefully, "shock to your system. The duty doctor will be by later to discuss." With that, the young nurse left, leaving me alone again in the horrible smelling hospital room. It wasn't long before another nurse came along and disconnected my arm from the machine leaving a weird plastic valve thing embedded in my wrist. I had no phone so was left to simply sit and watch the comings and goings of the hospital staff. "Jonah!" gasped my mom as she walked back into the room. "Hey mom" I replied, opening my arms up to return her embrace. "How are you?" she asked, holding me in front of her as she studied my face. "Tired and confused" I replied. "The doctor said you might have had a seizure, from the alcohol" she informed me. "Alcohol?" I questioned. "Yes. Don't worry about it, I'd rather you hadn't, but you were at least with Ben when it happened". "I wasn't drinking! Ben must have put some in my ginger ale" I asserted, but she looked as if she didn't believe me. "I'm telling the truth!" I protested. "Okay well don't worry about all that now. Just rest up and you'll be back with your friends at school in no time!" "Aren't you meant to try to give me something to look forward to?" I grumbled. "Okay, you'll be back playing with Adam before long!" she suggested. "Playing? I'm sixteen, not six" I insisted. "I meant video games" she replied. "What time is it? Also where's dad?" I asked. She paused to look at her watch before replying. "Four thirty five, and your dad has gone to move the car to the short stay area as visiting hours end at 5pm". Thankfully Dad arrived back just before a Doctor arrived on his rounds. "Good to see you awake Mr McCarthy" he said upon entering. "I'm afraid I cannot tell you what happened to you. Your friend described a seizure, but there is no evidence of that. Tests don't show anything out of the ordinary, and although your brain activity was a little strange last night, it was fine this morning. Your blood tests were normal. I want to keep you in for observation overnight but I think you can go home tomorrow morning". "Thanks" I said, not sure what else to say. I knew what had happened, but there didn't seem to be much point in telling him - or my parents. "What about the head injuries?" my Dad asked. "They are superficial, likely caused when he fell down. The face injury looks like a blunt force trauma, I imagine he hit his face and then fell backwards and hit the back of his head" the Doctor informed us. I wanted to tell them that in fact it happened the other way around and the face injury was that dickhead Ben punching me, but I decided to stay quiet. I didn't want to have to explain why he might have attacked me. A few minutes later the Doctor was gone, and my parents were preparing to leave for the night. "So I'll see you tomorrow morning to pick me up? Oh, and can I have my phone?" I asked them. "Oh, sorry, we left it at home! We'll bring it tomorrow" my mom said. "Can you thank Adam for coming to see me then?" I asked. "How did you know he did?" my Dad asked. "The nurse told me. When did he visit?". "This morning. Ben brought you in yesterday. I'm just glad you were with him when this happened" my mom replied. "No, mom. He put alcohol in my drink without telling me. That might have caused this whole thing! I'm done with him" I said angrily. "Jonah you're not getting out of this by blaming Ben. He said you both had some beers" my dad said, clearly sure of himself, and laughing at what he must have assumed was my lie. "Dad. I did not have any beer! He must have spiked my ginger ale. Why would I be lying to you? Why are you trusting Ben over me?" I snapped back, angry. "Why would Ben do that? I wasn't born yesterday you know" he stated. "You'd have to ask him why. How about you just trust me and not him?" "It doesn't matter right now, okay?" my mom interjected. "It does matter!" I snapped. "I understand the temptation to drink at your age, son. Peer pressure, and the pressure on you from school and exams, it's hard to fight it, to resist." my dad said. This disturbed me, not the alcohol part, but the part about temptation. It was as if he were describing my gift and not alcohol. I couldn't however let the false accusation slide. "I have no desire to drink, okay? I know the truth even if you won't accept what I'm telling you" I said, calmly this time. The young nurse returned at my door, unmasked this time. "Visiting hours are over I'm afraid, dinner time!" he cheerfully announced. "We'll be back tomorrow Jonah, love you!" my mom said as she walked away. "Love you, bye!" I replied, still frustrated. Welp, a night stuck in hospital. No phone, awful food, and no energy. The nurse seemed nice though. His name tag said he was called Nathan, and he looked to be in his twenties. Cute and muscular at the same time. How did he find time to be a nurse and work out? I fell asleep early, what with there being nothing to do. Despite the terrible bed I fell into a restful sleep, safe from the secret beeping machine monster which had plagued me before. I was thus resistant to the persistent jabbing in my arm which, regretfully, eventually succeeded in waking me up. "Wake up, Jonah, we gotta get you downstairs" said the cute nurse Nathan. "Wha" I sleepily replied. "Look, I don't have time to explain, get out of bed!" he hurriedly whispered. "I'm sleepy" I said, before rolling over away from him. "Look, unless you want to be discovered as a Diciopath, you better get up now". "What are you on about?" I asked, still half asleep. "You don't have to pretend, I can see it in your eyes. Now, unless you want to be caught, get out of bed". Unless he was Lionel Richie, which he clearly wasn't, he must have been talking about the fingering thing. In my half-awake state it didn't really stand out to me though. "Stay quiet, and follow me" he instructed, as he pulled me out of bed. I still was shaky on my feet, and half asleep, and only followed behind slowly, rubbing my eyes and yawning loudly. He quickly became visibly frustrated by this and grabbed my hand with his and pulled me down the corridor. Then he stopped, from the next corridor sounds of at least two people walking could be heard. In seconds he pulled us into a small utility cupboard and shut the door behind us. "Why are we in a closet?" I asked. "Just, ssshhh a second, okay? I'm on your side" he said, putting his hand over my mouth. We waited for a few moments, squished up against each other in the tight space of the "room". He was clearly straining to listen to what was going on in the hall outside. He neglected to keep his hand over my mouth and soon I wanted to know again why he had jostled me in there. "Are we hiding from somebody?" I whispered. He turned his head back to me and glared, clearly frustrated. I shut up, and waited. He continued to listen, before turning back to me. "Stay here, do NOT go out, okay?" he whispered. I nodded. I didn't have to wait long for him to return, within only a few seconds he was back, grabbing my hand again, and leading me back down the corridor. In the distance there was another nurse and patient, but they paid no attention to me and my midnight kidnapper. After ducking into a stairwell and descending one floor he pulled me into an empty examination room. "Can I speak now?" I asked, more entertained than annoyed. "Yes. I know what you're gonna ask, and yes, we are hiding you from the law upstairs". "The law?" I asked. "Yes. Your scans suggested you might be one of us, and the hospital is duty bound to report it. I heard they were sending a specialist to look at you, but specialists don't usually visit at 4am". "Scans... scans suggested I was, one of you?" I said, emphasising 'you'. "Yeah, a diciopath" he said simply, as if I should know what it was. "What the fuck is a diciopath?" "You don't know?" he asked, and I shook my head in response. "You, and I, we are diciopaths. We can form connections, sort of telepathic, with others, by touching their neck, forehead, nipples, et cetera". "Okay, look, I, I don't, how- why do you think I am that?" I asked, stammering. "I can see, from your eyes, that you are one. Here, look at mine!" he said, before walking up close to me and looking right at me. Sure enough after a few moments his eyes changed from a hazel to a bright red, before returning back to hazel again. This was exactly what my grandfather had told me about. "Woah. They went red!" I exclaimed. "Yup. Only we can see it, so, you definitely are one". "I was one, but no longer" I replied, sounding downbeat. "What do you mean? No longer?" he asked. "That guy, Ben, who brought me to hospital, he stole it from me". "Hah, it can't be stolen like, not from a diciopath. It isn't magic". "He seemed to think he stole it, and I ended up in here after!" I stated. "After what?". "He, he, got me drunk, and got me to fuck him whilst doing the finger thing". "Sounds like you leeched him. I did suspect that after I heard about the brain scan and you being out of it. So, he tricked you into it?" "Yeah, he tricked me. But if he didn't steal it, then can I still do it?" "You should be able to, yeah. Your friend will probably become a leech, especially if he thought he was stealing the ability from ya". "A what?" "It's slang. If you fuck somebody, whilst you're touching them, it can give them the ability to act like a diciopath but only for a couple of weeks or so, and they can only do it a few times before it starts to wear off. Often they are desperate to keep it, so they either get another diciopath to fuck them again, or more common-like, they feed off other normal folk". "Feed?" I asked. "Yeah, they can feed off the body's electrical energy, which lets them do it again to others. They soon become addicted to it and go from person to person feeding, sometimes killing by accident". "So Ben will turn into that?" I asked. "Maybe, not all do. We generally try to avoid turning folks into leeches because of that". "I didn't want to turn him into anything. He tricked me, intending to steal it from me. Are you sure it can't be? My grandfather said he had it stolen from him!". "It can't be stolen, it's in your genes". "Oh. Okay but none of that explains why you grabbed me out of bed and why we are hiding!" "We're hiding from some so called specialists, but they aren't from the hospital. They are from the government. Besides leeches, and sponges, the government want to find us diciopaths most of all". "Wait, slow down. Why are we wanted by government, and why do they want bath accessories?" I said, causing him to laugh. "Sponge is another slang term. The government wants diciopaths because of our abilities" "Why? I can understand why they'd want to stop leeches, if they hurt people, but why come after us?" I asked. "Well, we can create leeches, so they want to find us to stop that. Our other abilities are why they really want us though. Some of us, not all, can get the truth out of people, force them to do things, or even kill without leaving any evidence. They want to recruit us". "Oh, shit. I can, I think, get secrets out of people when doing it" I stated. "Then it is a good thing I got you out of there. If they had caught you then they'd be recruiting you, or worse". "Worse?" I asked. "Well, I've heard that they get rid of us if they can't recruit us". "Oh. So what are sponges?" I enquired. "Sponges are people who really, really like being touched by diciopaths. They chase after you and ask to be touched again and again. Some become like a pet or even a slave". Damn, that sounded a bit like Ethan. "I've experienced that. I didn't mean to, but I got a guy wanting me to do it to him again, he seemed incapable of not doing what I told him to do". "Sounds just like a sponge". "Damn. I kinda wish that Ben really had stolen this from me. I don't want to be hiding from the government, or parasitic worms or sea creatures. What the hell do I do?" I asked. "Relax, relax. Being a diciopath is great! As you get used to it you can learn how to control it better. The first thing to learn is how to do it without the other person remembering". "Wait, why would I do that?" I asked. "So you can feel them nut and not get caught!". "So wait, do you do this to people? Make them cum, then wipe their memory?". "Yeah, well, as you learn to control it you can do it without them even realising what is happening. You can trick them into thinking they are having sex with their partner, or with their fantasy. I've gotten straight guys to fuck me whilst they thought they just had sex with a girl" he said, smiling broadly. "Except we can't fuck others without creating leeches?" I replied. "You'll learn how to do it without breeding leeches, and without feeding off others". "Can... can you teach me, about being a diciopath?" I asked. He looked back at me, as if scanning me for imperfections. "I can teach you a few things. Normally your own family teaches you, I'm guessing that's not the case with you?" "No, well, my grandfather told me about it, but he thinks he lost the gift. My parents haven't said anything". "It is passed down father to son, normally. I'm guessing without guidance you have ended up in some tough spots, like your friend trying to steal it". "He's not my friend, and, yeah. You said it's passed father to son, so women can't be diciopaths?" I ventured. "They can be leeches, and sponges, but I've never met a woman diciopath, no". "Are diciopaths a mixture of gay, straight, etcetera?". "I think so. Most end up hooking anybody though, it becomes less about normal sex and more about anybody. Ten years ago I'd have told you I was gay, but now, now I'll hook anybody". "Hook?" "Oh yeah that's what I call it, I hook people. Some of us call it fusing. Others call it melding, but that's too much like Star Wars". "Trek" I said, correcting him. "Whatever". "Okay, so, how do I hide from these specialists? If my scans suggested it, won't they keep trying to find me?" I asked. "I switched the chart data on the system, they are in the main ward looking at the wrong patient". "Wait, then why are we hiding?". "They will probably check other patients nearby since their tests will fail". "Their tests?" "Yeah, I'm not sure what they are exactly, but I've been told they can test for diciopaths with a machine they bring with them. Something about a device that fits around the finger, like a pulse oximeter". "Oh. So life is gonna be me hiding from government all my life?". "Nah, it ain't that bad. Just gotta avoid brain scans or otherwise getting noticed by them. Tell you what, lets get you to practice now. Lets go downstairs and find one of the private rooms, and try it out. The best way to learn is when they are asleep". "Wait, what? You want me to go hook somebody who is asleep, whilst there are government agents hunting for us?" "Yeah. We won't get caught, and they won't even wake up!" "I don't know. This feels wrong. Why wouldn't I just do it to somebody I trust, rather than to random others? Isn't that... wrong?" I asked. "Wrong? No! They feel great, you feel great, what's the problem? It's what we diciopaths do!". "I don't want to do it to somebody without asking them". "You say that, but if you're anything like me, you won't be able to resist". "After this incident with Ben I think I'll be able to resist" I stated confidently. "That will fade. Before long you'll be standing behind somebody and won't be able to stop yourself. C'mon!" With that he grabbed my hand, and soon we were back in the corridor, before being pulled into a stairwell. As we walked into a new ward I saw a sign saying paediatrics ward 2, and within a second we were looking into a private room. A boy was sound asleep in the bed. Nathan crept in, looked at the chart, and then came back out. "Okay, so, we can both hook him at the same time and I'll teach you how to wipe his memory?" he proposed. I pulled him away from the doorway back into the hall. "How old is he! He's a kid!" I said, unimpressed. "So? He's 13. Look, hooking isn't the same as sex. Besides, he won't remember it anyway". "No! No, I'm not doing it to a sleeping child" I stated firmly. "Fine, fine!" he said sighing. Nathan repeated his propensity of grabbing my hand and soon took me to another private room, this time closing the door behind us. "This guy is your age, and he feels great. Really great" he whispered. "You already hooked him?" I asked. "Yeah. Just, trust me! Hook him. Feel him!" he whispering hurriedly. The guy seemed quite short and small for a sixteen year old, but Nathan was right, he was a stunner. His sheets were kicked down and I couldn't help but admire what I could see. Yeah he was small, but he looked toned. He was wearing a weird onesie thing and there was a noticeable bulge beneath the waist. Whilst I got lost looking at him Nathan once again took charge, grabbed my hand, and smashed it against the side of his face. I gasped, and the guy spasmed in the bed, arching his back upwards. "There you go" Nathan said, before letting go of us and walking around to the other side of the bed and placing his own finger against the guy's head. I felt his presence within the guy as if he was observing us both. My attention quickly returned to the guy and how he felt. I don't know if it was due to Nathan's presence but I felt a strong desire to dominate the small guy I was connected to. I focused on his joystick, and was rewarded by it feeling like it was electrified. I felt him harden quickly and strain against the onesie affair he was wearing. His eyes remained closed but he began to moan, a moan that seemed to reflect that he was being forced to feel this way. It wasn't a constant sound but a series of little yelps, like he was in both pain and pleasure. "You're doing great! You're better than me at this. Normally I have to fight to get them to feel good, but you've got him feeling like he's about to nut instantly!" Nathan said, clearly seduced by what he was feeling through his finger. "Do..can, can I make him cum?" I half-panted. "Yeah. Imagine doing whatever you want to do to him, and we'll both feel it". In my mind I ripped off the guy's clothes, lined up on top of him, and pressed myself against him, pushing his legs away so I could get at him. I wanted him, moreover I wanted to fuck him. In response Nathan gasped, the guy moaned more frequently, and he moved his legs apart as if I really were about to fuck him. I began to imagine sliding into him, taking control, forcing his mind to submit. "Yes, yes. God damn you're good at this!" Nathan spluttered out. I don't know why, but with my left hand I grasped his shaft, slowly feeling its size and hardness through the thick fabric. He began to arch his back upwards again, still quietly yelping and yet his eyes remained welded shut. His body felt utterly under my control, and feeling great. Years later I would learn patience and the joy of slowly exploring their minds, but alas not then. I returned in my mind to fucking him, and fast. As I began to imagine kissing him his yelping turned into one long continuous cry, again sounding like a mixture of pleasure and pain. His dick throbbed and jutted against my hand, firing shot after shot into the fabric, such was the force of volleys that it was soon soaking through. "Don't let go" panted Nathan as we both enjoyed the orgasm in the other man's body before us. "What, what do I do?" I asked. "Wait a few seconds. Then focus on his mind, think about his memories of what just happened" he instructed. I tried for a few moments to do as he said, but made little progress. "Focus again on his body, on what he's feeling, then on what he just felt". This time I got what he meant. I was able to focus on how he felt, and for a moment I could feel two guys holding fingers to my temples. "That's it! Now, eradicate it. Imagine fire burning that memory away!" I'm guessing Nathan was helping me, because it became all too easy to do it, and it felt like there was pain within the guy's head. "That's it, let go, he'll stay asleep". As I let go I felt very strange, like I was returning to my own body after having been in a strange land. I slowly began to feel my own body again, and realised I was standing over a bed, doing the very thing I hadn't wanted to do. "Why, why did you make me do that!" I said much too loudly. "SSSssshhh!" he said, putting his finger to his lips. He motioned for me to follow him, and soon we were across the hall in a large disabled bathroom. He looked at me like I was a pop star. "You are damn good at hooking, better than any diciopath I've met before" he said, his words dripping in adulation. "Never mind that, I didn't want to hook some sleeping man!". "Well, a boy" "What?" I replied angrily. "You're both boys really, sixteen is hardly manhood" he replied coolly. "Whatever. Why the fuck did you make me do that?" "Oh calm down. You asked me to teach you, and I taught you! This isn't sex, it's hooking. He won't even remember it ever having happened. Where is the harm?" "It's not right! He didn't consent!. Is this all we are? Some sort of weird inhuman sub species that goes around acting unethically? Like we are evil?" I asked. "We are very much human, and no, we're not evil! For us hooking is perfectly natural and normal, it isn't sex, and if they can nut, where is the problem?". I walked around the bathroom silently for a few moments, frustrated with him but unable to form a convincing argument. "You gotta admit, he felt good, no? There was no resistance, you just got him under your spell instantly. You're a natural!" he said, lightly punching me on the arm. "Really? That's unusual?" "Yeah. Normally they resist, and I have to fight their mind down until they start to feel good. You just slid right in there. I'm impressed". "Well, thanks, but I'm still mad that you did that. I don't want to do anything like that again". "Well, when you slip up and do it again, you'll at least have some ability to prevent them from remembering what you did". "There has to be more to it than this, than just hooking people and wiping their memories. We must exist for a reason?" "Why must there be a reason? We just exist". "That's all? So we just hook people and... that's it?" "Yeah. Well, some of us end up working for the government. Others only do it with a partner. I guess it is up to you. My friends and I, we use it on whoever we want, as long as we don't get caught". "You know other diciopaths?" "Of course!" "Can, can I meet them?" "Sure. Give me your number" he said, pulling out his phone, "and I'll message you, and we can hang out. They'll be happy to meet you, you're easily the most impressive diciopath I've met yet!". I dutifully gave him my number, before he looked at his watch. "We better get you back to bed. Now, until I can teach you more, don't go hook fucking anybody else. Just normal hooking, k? You don't want to create a leech". "Yeah, no problem. What do I do about Ben though? Won't he come after me?" "He might. Steer clear, if he starts to be a problem then my friends and I can deal with a leech". -- The next day passed slowly, my new friend Nathan was nowhere to be seen, and I was not discharged until the afternoon. Thankfully I was reunited with my phone. Nathan had texted me to say hi, but my real interest was Adam. He had left me several messages on the day Ben had tried to steal the hooking power. "I finally have my phone back, discharged from hospital, on the way home" I said messaging Adam back. "What happened! Your dad said you were at Ben's house? A seizure?" he messaged back. "He invited me over to work on a school project, but really he wanted to steal my fingering thing, and he thought he had, and knocked me out". "That gave you a seizure?". "No, I didn't have a seizure, he tried to steal the gift from me and that seemed to weaken me, and he punched me". "How did he try to steal it?". "He tricked me into it. The good news is he didn't steal it. I met a nurse in hospital and he knows all about it, he says I'm a 'diciopath'! He said it can't be stolen and that Ben might become a 'leech'". "How did he try to steal it? What does diciopath mean??". "I don't know what it means, it's just the name for people like me and Nathan". "Who is Nathan?? How did Ben try to steal it?" "Nathan is the nurse I met. Ben got me drunk and then grabbed my hand and made me touch his neck". "That's all it took? You've done it to me a few times and nothing like that ever happened?". "He tricked me, OK, look: He got me drunk, kept asking me to fuck him. Then he grabbed my hand, made me finger him, and then I felt what he wanted, and I was drunk, and so... I fucked him. At the end something strange happened. Nathan called it leeching". This coincided with us getting back home, and no message came back from Adam for some time. The minutes ticked by, but nothing. Then, at bedtime, he finally replied. "So, you agreed not to finger anybody, but you went out the next day and fingered Ben, the dude you pissed off by fingering before, and then you shagged him, the very next day after we fucked for the first time? Let me guess, you fingered this Nathan too?". Well, shit. This was not going well. "Ben tricked me! He put alcohol in my ginger ale! He had it all planned! I didn't want to do any of it. Also no, I did not finger Nathan. Look, I'm sorry, but Ben is the bad guy here, not me!". There was not however any reply. I told myself he was working at the restaurant, and I could fix this! Maybe he just needed time. No, no, this was a result of me being a god damn diciopath. Not only was I some weird sub-species, not only did I give in to Ben and made him a leech, but I'd hooked another boy, a sleeping one who couldn't have consented. I tried to comfort myself by repeating Nathan's claim that it wasn't sex so it didn't count, but it didn't cheer me up. By the next morning I was very depressed and desperate for Adam to reply. I sent a new message but alas no reply was forthcoming. My only solace was that I didn't have to go to school, my parents had agreed to let me rest and return the following week. I decided to message Adam one last time after my folks had gone to work. I invited him over to talk, but still came no reply. Soon I became confused by my own feelings and retreated to bed, comforting myself at least physically. I was awoken out of my daze by the loud sound of the door bell. I jumped up, believing Adam would be there, and this new crisis would be over. Our front door was a single floor to ceiling pane of frosted glass, and through that obscured view it looked like Adam. I thus opened it hurriedly, after fumbling with the lock, and looked up smiling, but alas it was not Adam, instead there stood Ethan. ----- Comments, good or bad, please e-mail me :-] Sorry this one took so long, I ended up rewriting it three times! Please do reach out with any feedback, it helps to motivate us to write more!