Date: Tue, 1 Jul 2008 13:57:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: Harry Rod <harryrod575@yahoo.com>
Subject: If I had known then ...

I had just graduated from high school, and my parents had thrown a family
get together, and I received presents.  All in all, I felt pretty good
about things.  I was still disappointed that I was not able to celebrate
with my best friend, Bruce.

But I had not been allowed to see him now for almost a year.  We had grown
up together since third or fourth grade.  We knew everything about each
other, even finding each other's first pubic hair, and about jerking off
together.  We had progressed to jerking each other off and, now and
then. sucking.

We had been caught one day in the bathroom together behind closed doors.
When asked what we were doing, I answered, "Fooling around."

I am a terrible liar and felt tremendous guilt the more I was questioned.
And when finally asked, 'Was he putting his penis in your mouth or your
butt,' I thought mouth sounded less dirty. We had never done that, but it
just sounded like it would be better to say.

My parents talked to a psychiatrist on the phone, while I waited outside.
I was called in and put on the phone with him.  He asked me if I knew what
I had done was wrong.  I answered, "Yes."  Then he asked me if I would ever
do it again, and I said, "No."

I was not allowed to see Bruce again after that except at school.  And we
didn't get to do too much after that.  So I was saddled with guilt,
frustration, and a great sense of loss.

So I was trying to put on a good face for all the friends and relatives.
My half brother, 10 years older, was there with his fianceé.  He had made
me suck him off when I was 6 years old, and I had no idea what that had
meant then.  And he would fuck me between my legs.

Then he got a girlfriend and I was left high and dry.  I had thought he
cared about me, but I guess he didn't.

Anyway, after everyone is gone, I go to my room, change into my pajamas,
and climb into bed.  There is an envelope there with my name typed on it.
I wonder what my parents had done now.

I opened the letter and dropped it after reading just the first couple of
lines.  I picked it up, looked around the room, and then began to read it
again.

Eikki --

It's okay to be queer.  There is nothing wrong with it.  Many men are.  And
there should be no shame in it or any guilt.  Despite what your parents
have told you.

Now don't panic; I am not going to tell anyone else.  This is your secret
that only you and Bruce know about.  But I want you to know, now that you
are graduating high school, that it is okay, and that there are other men
out there like you.

And it is nothing perverted or unnatural about it.  So who am I, that I
know your secret?  Well, that's a long story.  I will tell you part of it
now, and then you will receive notes like this throughout your life, just
so you will know that I know what I am talking about.

You see, I am you.  I know you are now thinking you are crazy, but I am the
you of the future.  I know you watch the Twilight Zone and Outer Limits,
but this isn't a TV show, or anything like that.  It is the real deal.

The time that I am from, 2016 -- 50 years in the future -- a friend of
mine developed the technology to send inanimate things back into the past.

You are probably thinking that you are having some sort of attack or are
dreaming.  It is not a dream.

Let's see how can I prove this to you.  Your half-brother, Sonny, used to
make you suck him off when you were 6.  Your friend, Bruce, is your best
friend.  Yes, everyone knows that.  But who knows about the two of you in
the swimming pool locker room going around with boners and your swimsuits
hanging from them.

Or how the two of you then went into a toilet stall and you sucked his
cock, while the younger boys climbed up onto the dividers to watch you.

Or how you sucked one of his balls and he said it hurt, so you felt bad and
did whatever he said for a day.

Or how one day in his backyard, when you had built a fort, he was inside
and told you that you could come in.  When you went inside, he was hard.
You put your mouth down to suck him, and he shot piss all over you.  And
now you think about piss often.

?

I stopped reading for a moment and realized my heart was pounding and my
dick was rock hard.

I bet you are getting hard just reading about all of that.  I am laughing,
because I am still the same way.

So let's get on with your future.  You are about to head off to college in
the fall, after working the summer for the USGS.  You are going to study
Biology and want to go into Marine Biology.

You enjoy swimming.  Keep it up; it will keep you very fit.  And you need
to stay in shape; otherwise you will tend to get chunky.  By the way, your
job at McDonald's has caused you to put on some weight.  Get in the pool
and swim it off.  If you can't swim, then walk.  Keep in shape and you will
be a very handsome man!

In college, learn about sex.  Experiment.  You are about to enter the
season of love.  Stay in college because you will be deferred from the
draft.  I will let you know when it is time to drop your deferment.  Don't
worry; you will never have to go to Vietnam.  But treasure your
friendships; you will lose friends over there.

In your Sophomore year, you will go to Marine Lab on the Monterey Bay.  Go
have fun and live life to the fullest.  Do not let anyone tell you what you
can and can't do regarding sex and love.  You may find the man of your
dreams in the next couple of years, but I think you will not make that
decision for a while.

Why can't I tell you the answer to that?  Because that is not the path I
chose.  I let guilt, shame, and public opinion force me into a marriage,
not that there haven't been some good times and all, but I think I would
have done more with my life had I been true to myself.

That is the opportunity I am trying to give you.  You can ignore this
information or choose to act upon it.  You will receive a series of letters
over the next couple of years; I hope that they are helpful.

That reminds me: save your money.  I will be passing along some tips for
investing it.  Right now, you should take the money you received for
graduation and buy however many stocks you can in IBM.

Sports -- I am not a big sports fanatic; you may turn out to be one, so
if you want to make some additional money this year, bet on the Orioles to
win the world series.

When you are ready, you can tell your parents.  Dad will get used to it and
both will still love you.  You have two cousins that are queer (now we say
gay), Leroy and Dan.  Get to know them.

Leroy will die of a disease that will affect gay men, but not for a while.
I will explain all about that when the time comes.  Right now, have fun,
experiment, and don't be paranoid!  The world will not end if someone finds
out you like guys!

And let's see what else can I tell you -- you went to see West Side Story
and sat in the balcony.  You almost got thrown out because you and your
friends were snapping their fingers in time with the jets!

You love movies and the movie A Man for All Seasons will win the Oscar for
1966.

And like Auntie Mame says, "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are
starving to death!"

Have fun

Eikki (Signed the same way I sign my name, almost).

*

I sat there on the bed staring at the paper.  It looked to be typed.  But
with a very clear typewriter and all with the same pressure.  I had to take
typing in high school and I always had a problem getting my z's and q's to
be as dark as the others.

I turned the envelope over, and then the pages.  I looked for watemarks and
couldn't find any.  Everything on there was true. Not one thing wrong.  And
the Auntie Mame quote was one of my favorites, and I had always loved the
movie, especially when the boy went to the nudist school.  I always
pictured the male teachers walking around naked.

But it worried me that someone knew so much about me, and this couldn't
possibly be from the future.  I was sure it was some joke that Bruce had
managed to play on me.

Bruce knew all the stories about us, but I had never told anyone one about
my fantasy from the movie Auntie Mame, or about my brother.

I put the letter back in the envelope and then climbed on a chair and hid
it in the top of my closet in the farthest corner I could reach.

I had trouble sleeping that night, worrying and thinking about the letter.

I started working the next week at the USGS and was soon sent out in the
field.  Most of the time we stayed alone in our cars, but occasionally we
would share a room in a motel.  I would always try and catch a glance of
the other man when he was changing or coming back from the shower.

And these were men.  I was 18, but they were in their twenties and
thirties.  Most were married.

One man that I was sharing a truck with was Mike.  He was married, and he
loved to talk about sex.  He got onto it one day and said that guys always
said he had a cute butt.  A butt that looked like a girl's butt.

I didn't know where he was going with this, until we were in the motel and
he came out of the shower with only a t-shirt on.  I would have thought it
would have been only underwear.

I looked at his ass and he looked at me and saw me looking.  "So, do you
think it looks like a girl's ass?" he asked.

I had always been the one with the sharp tongue to tease and joke with
people, so I said, "Yeah, and if you keep showing it to me, I might just
decide to jump it like a woman."

He wiggled his ass in front of me and said, "You would?"

The light bulb went on in my head.  And I thought about my letter.  Was he
really asking me what I thought he was asking me?

"Yeah, just prop it up on a pillow and I'll have a go at it!" I laughed.

He grabbed a pillow and put it under his middle.  "Oh, please be gentle,
mister!  And use some of this lotion, so it will be easier for you."  He
handed me a bottle of hand lotion.

I pulled off my boxers and my dick was rising fast!  I slicked lotion on my
dick while he fiddled with his hole.  "How many women have you screwed?" he
asked.

"None," I said honestly.  "I have never done this before."  He smiled and
motioned me forward.  He had my cock in his hand and guided it towards his
ass.  He got everything lined up and I pushed in.  He was so amazingly
tight!

I grabbed him by the hips and pushed all the way in.  He sighed and wiggled
his ass.  "That's nice," he said in a falsetto voice.  At that point I
didn't care.  I had been jerking off daily, either alone in my truck, or in
the motel bathroom, if I had to share it.

I pounded his ass, but it was all too overwhelming, and I shot inside of
him very quickly. And I wilted quickly after that, as I worried about what
he would think.  Or what the other guys would say, if they found out what I
had done.

"That really was your first time, baby, wasn't it?" he asked, as he turned
around and took my softening dick in his hand.

I nodded.  "Well, we will have to try that again in the morning, won't we?"
He looked coyly at me. "But let's just keep this our little secret, okay?"

After that, we got together at least once a day.  He didn't want to do
anything but have me screw him.  And he loved being screwed, and I began to
love it as well, and began to last longer.  He taught me lots of positions
and told me lots of stories about men that he had been with.

By the time I was starting my freshman year, I was trying to find guys to
hook up with.

Just before my Sophomore year started, and I was heading off to the Marine
Lab, I received another letter.

Eikki --

Congratulations!  From what I can see from here, you are doing well!
Having some fun and experimenting.  Good for you!

You will find a place on the beach outside of Watsonville, called Little
Crab.  The owner is a great woman, and very open.  Help her as much as you
can, and take advantage of having your own place to do with as you will.

Keep a journal about your life, because you will wish you had later on.  I
know I did.  Write about how you feel, what you are doing, what seems
important to you, what you are trying, and how that feels.  Tell someone
that you are gay -- try out the landlady, and record how that feels.

Get a 35 mm camera and learn how to use it.  You will have great fun with
it.  Remember to swim as much as you can.  Practice running the stairs to
and from the beach. Go scuba diving as much as you can.

Check out those other divers that are changing out of their wet suits at
Cannery Row.  Some of them are very handsome!

Even though you are not 2, you can buy beer and wine as long as it is the
good stuff, and only a six pack at a time.

Tune into the world around you; things are happening out there that you
should be aware of.

And the cardinals will win in the world series.  How are you doing with
your finances?  Still investing?

Take care,

Eikki

I had my other letter with me.  I kept it with me at all times.  I had
changed my name to Erik, because I was razzed too much about my real name.
I was named after my father; it was a Finnish name.  And I would always
say, "It is a Finnish name, but I am not.  I have a long way to go yet."
And it would always get a laugh.

But he was, or I was right.  I was having fun.  I was in good shape, thanks
to all the swimming; a mile every other day in the Olympic size pool at the
college.  And that was just to warm up.

I walked as much as I could, and was beginning to jog a bit.  I felt really
good.  I had had some fun with guys, but living at home made it difficult.

I did find the place.  It was a wonderful place, nice and private.  And
yes, some of the divers that were changing out of their wetsuits were very
handsome.  I even got some of them to do some diving on land!

The camera was a great idea.  I really enjoyed taking pictures, even taking
some classes.  And that, combined with my journal, got me to writing.

After a very successful term at the marine lab, I was back at home, itching
to get a place of my own.  I applied, and was accepted, to the state
university in northern California.  I wondered if I had done that before?

I took a writing class that last term at home, and really learned a lot
about style, and voices, etc.

Just before leaving home, I found an envelope on the dashboard of my car.
I immediately drove to the park before reading it.

Eikki

So, off on your own!  Advertise in the newspaper for a roommate; use a bit
of that cash you have made and get a nice rustic place in the country;
someplace that you can be naked outside, if the weather is nice.

There is a great hiking club, with a great bunch of guys (and a couple of
girls).  It is the Boot and Blister Club.  Get to know them, learn from
them, and have fun.  Visit their house as often as possible, and spend the
night now and then.  (Most of them sleep in the nude!)

Learn about the wilderness; learn more about photography and writing.  I
know you are studying oceanography, but just learn as many other things as
you can.  College is a time when you can try out anything.  Take an organ
class, take a caligraphy class, take a leather working class, take a guitar
class. and keep up your swimming.

Go on the backpacking trips.  Learn as much as you can about both the
process and the enjoyment.  Go snowshoe backpacking, rock climbing, and
spelunking; just do as much as you can with them, and in the wilderness.

And the Tigers will win the world series.

Be open with your roommate and with these guys.  This is a very open time
sexually, and you should experiment as much as you can.

You are going to try marijuana and like it, but don't let it take over.
But explore it; try LSD when you can, in a controlled environment (i.e.,
not on top of a mountain).  And make plans for next summer to go to a
little place called Woodstock.

And above all else, have fun!

Eikki

All he wrote was true.  I found a roommate, named Bob and, after a bit,
told him about myself.  He said that was cool, and when he didn't have a
girl over, we would get together and have some fun.

It was true of the guys and gals in the club; they were very accepting.  I
remember one stoned evening orgy on my back porch.  Everyone was naked and
everyone was touching everyone and it was totally wild.

My investments kept growing, and he/I was always right about the world
series.

My trip through college was great, and Woodstock blew my fucking mind.  I
received letters prior to the first earth day.

I have a lover, Terry, and we did everything together.  We did the John
Muir trail, and then became more adventuresome and spent one summer just
bumming around the country, checking out various wilderness areas and
parks.  We were hassled a couple of times about being fags, but for the
most part it was more about being long hairs.

I remember Terry and I stripping naked one night on this high ridge that
overlooked all of Yosemite.  We held each other closely and watched the sun
going down.  And when the Alpine glow appeared, we were locked in each
other's arms, fucking away!  Neither one of were dominating; we just
switched off as needed.

He was the love of my life.  I told my parents that summer, and introduced
them to Tom Terry.  My dad took a day or so to come around, but he welcomed
Tom Terry into the family, and my Mom was wonderful.

We were white water rafting down the Colorado through the Grand Canyon,
before the damn dam was put into place, trying to capture as much of the
wilderness as we could.

We were laughing away when the water became very rough and rapid.  The
adrenaline hit, and we paddled like mad.  The raft tipped over, and I clung
to it, but didn't see Tom Terry.  I let go of the raft and tried to swim
and find him, but he never came up.

His body was found 12 miles down stream.  I was heart sick and desolate.

I received a letter shortly after that.

The part that I wrote in my Journal was:

Write about it, tell his story, use that calligraphy that you learned, your
beautiful pictures, and put it all down.

I did that as I poured out my feelings and my heart.  I took the book to
the Sierra club and they loved it.  The year that On the Loose was
published, I took a deep breath and joined the world again.

Things were happening around me.  I was back to being Eikki again.

One letter suggested working in Alaska for a couple of years.  `Plenty of
men!' the letter said.

It was a beautiful land and wonderful people.  And a few lumberjacks were
more than happy to share their cabin during the long cold winters.  One
year was spent in an Eskimo village north of the Arctic Circle teaching
school.

I found that the Eskimos had always had a special place in their culture
for the man who would be a woman -- that is, liked men.  I was accepted,
and shared my furs with several of the men.

I invested in something called Apple, and in a guy named Gates.  When I was
done with Alaska, I tried Hawaii, as suggested in the letter.  The contrast
was amazing and the people were even more open and friendlier.

It was there that I met Jere.  I had not thought I would meet someone who
could take Terry's place, but I opened my heart, and he did the same.  It
was amazing!

He was a solid man's man.  And he loved photography.  He arranged my photos
and had them printed, matted and framed, and then organized a show.  It was
a huge success.

We lived together, and heard about adopting.  There was a white boy up for
adoption, and so we filed and were accepted, and Eikki the Third joined the
family.  So we now had a baby, and our life grew.

We traveled and let Eikki learn about the world and its people.  We took
him camping with us to Yosemite, my favorite place.

After settling at Lake Tahoe, we adopted a little girl.  Her name was
Natalie. after Jere's mother.

I received a letter shortly after she joined our house.

Eikki --

What a wonderful life you have!  I am so proud.  I used to sit around and
say, if I only knew what I know now when I was 18, my life would have been
different.

And while I had two wonderful children that I would never do without, I
just wish I had been able to be true to myself and had more sexual pleasure
in life.

Your photography is spectacular!  And Jere certainly has an eye for good
work.  I mean he chose you, right?

Coming soon will be digital photography.  Stay in touch with all that
technology, and computers that have made you so much money.  Embrace the
latest and greatest, but don't let it manage you.  Always keep savvy of
what is happening in technology and the world.

Dump your .com stocks and keep investing in Gates and Apple.  You can't go
wrong with those.

A terrible disease will begin affecting gay men.  So best that you and Jere
are monogamous.  If you bring in someone, then use condoms.  And share this
with your children.  They will grow into wonderful adults.

Your parents will have some tough times in the future.  Get them set up now
in a good home (you can afford it) that is set up for future use with
wheelchairs and a place for a full time care giver.  They won't need this
for a while, but getting dad into a new place later will be much more
difficult.

You and Jere make a wonderful couple -- just continue to be open and
honest with each other, and never go to bed mad.  Make it work, and it
will.

I have to laugh and say that I am envious of the two of you!  Some of the
positions and places you come up with are really wild! (Oh, was I not
supposed to say I could observe you from this vantage point?)  But believe
me, it is a very private viewing.

However, that time in the taxi in France!  I was surprised that you weren't
arrested.  The taxi driver certainly had a big smile on his face, and that
group of bicyclers that rode by certainly got an eye full!  By the way,
Jere certainly does have a nice ass!  And what he can do with his dick is
amazing!

Okay, enough; you are on your way for your life now.  I feel you won't need
any additional help from your future self.  We are so far apart now in our
paths that I don't know that I will be able to observe you much longer.

I am so glad that you are happy.  But continue to have fun.

And here are the world series winners for the next thirty years!  That
should keep you in cash, if you ever need any!

Eikki

That night I took all my letters and sat with Jere in front of the fire
after the kids had gone to bed.  We had a long slow sensual sexual session
in front of the fire.  When we were done, I shared the letters with him.

As we read one, we tossed it into the fireplace.  We laughed and cried.  He
was amazed, and then appalled, and then glad that I had shared.

When we had finished, he had an idea.  We took out a big pad of paper and
wrote in big letters:

THANK YOU, EIKKI

EIKKI AND JERE