It comes like a rush. This time the panic attack comes as a sudden rush of intense dread or distress. Within seconds of feeling that dread, I'm on the living room floor feeling painful physical symptoms. Dizziness, sweating, a racing heart, chest pain, and disorientation. My breathing is labored to the point that I don't think I'm taking in air at all.
"Wasn't that great?" Adrian asks walking into the house, "Serves those rebels right. Ontario? Ontario are you OK?"
Adrian is standing over me. He doesn't know what to do. It's clear.
"MOVE!" Ronin barks, "He's having a panic attack."
Ronin pushes my new husband out of the way, blocking him off from me. He looks at me deep in the eyes and demonstrates a proper breathing technique. I watch Ronin's lips. I watch his breathing. Almost immediately I start calming down.
I try to get what I just saw out of my head. I try to forget about the fact that I had just seen a civilization where people were tortured by getting dragged through the streets until their limbs fall off. I try to forget about the fact that kids cheered this on as though this was the most natural thing in the world. They tried to make this world seem like it was so perfect but it wasn't. Something was definitely wrong with this world.
"Since when does he get panic attacks?" Adrian asks.
He may be suspicious of me. I can see how he seems to be staring. At this moment, I don't care. Thankfully at this moment, Ronin doesn't seem to care either. His only concern is making sure that I recover from my attack.
"You mind going to another room?" Ronin asks, "You're not helping."
Adrian gives Ronin a look, then he gives me a look. Reluctantly he nods and walks to the next room while Adrian helps me break out of my attack. It takes a few minutes, longer than normal but I am broken out of my attack at last.
When I'm done his hand is on my face. I've calmed down already, but Ronin is still looking in my eyes. I let him touch me for longer than I want him to. I let him touch for longer than I feel I should want to.
"That was a bad one," he whispers.
It felt like I was going to faint, lose my mind or die this time. Feeling Ronin touching me the way he does brings me back to reality. His hand is way too soft, his face is way too handsome and he is way too emotionally invested in my recovery.
He's still touching me. His touch is still too soft. His beautiful eyes looking down on me still make me feel so uncomfortable. I'm naked, I'm exposed in front of him. He's seen me at my most vulnerable and he's been there.
"You can stop touching me now," I state.
He takes his hand off of me, gets up and puts them in his pocket, "Sooner or later you're going to have to stop hating me. I'm only here to help you. That's all I've ever wanted to do."
"You know why I may have doubts about that."
I can't mention it. Not without talking about the fact that I was married to another man and he was the guy who committed adultery with my husband. It may be easy for him to forgive but for me, it wasn't. I was in love with Ezra. Even now I missed him. I missed him so fucking much. Having sex with Adrian was my way of getting back at Ezra, but Ezra was in a different world. If my soul had been replaced with another Ontario then I wondered how Ezra was dealing with his infidelity with the Ezra from this world.
He was probably dealing with it a lot better than I. I had so much goddam resentment.
"I don't want to hate you...but I do," I tell Ronin, "And I always will."
It's stupid for me to say something like this to Ronin. He was the only person in this world that knew my situation. He had the device that could get me back home. But when he looks at me the way he looks at me, I feel uncomfortable.
The rest of the day I don't do much. I keep thinking about the man being dragged behind the truck. Adrian goes off to work. Ronin gives me my space.
I get in the shower later that day. I let the water cascade down my naked body. I only had ten minutes in the shower. Those were the rules here. The stupid fucking rules that I needed to follow. Here I am racing to lather up my body when I feel this presence and I hear this sound of something opening.
The curtain opens. It's not Adrian. It's Ronin.
"What the fuck are you doing!"
"We needed to talk," Ronin states.
Ronin is naked. He's completely naked in the shower. I turn away from him almost immediately scared to look at him as he stands behind me in the shower.
"This is not the time."
"It has to be the time. The shower is working. Sometimes the microphones pick things up if the bathroom is too quiet. The shower will block that noise out. This is the best place we have privacy," Ronin explains.
How awkward is this?
Knowing there is a gorgeous naked man behind me doesn't help calm my nerves at all. I stare at the wall. I count the tiles. I do anything not to get a hard-on just from the fact of feeling Ronin's breath up against the back of my neck and knowing that this man with these dynamic abs is standing only inches away from me. Thank god I hadn't looked down and seen what he had between his legs.
"Won't people watching you come in this bathroom think we're cheating."
"Cheating isn't illegal here. Besides. You're my brother-in-law. Nothing wrong with saving some water...right?"
I can't tell if Ronin wants me to feel uncomfortable or not. Maybe this was payback for what Adrian had said this morning. What if Adrian was watching though? That was the thing. I take a deep breath. It is a risk, but a risk that I probably had to take. Ronin was the only one who was really there for me.
"Can you face me?" he asks.
No. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to see him.
"Why, just talk man. We don't have time for all this."
He seems nervous at that moment. Ronin seems almost out of place at that moment.
"Your butt. It's...distracting."
He's honest. I guess in this world most people were honest. There wasn't really much you could hide from others in a world like this. I do what he says, reluctantly. I turn towards him. I try not to look down. It's hard. I can see the cuts of his stomach in the corner of my eye. I can begin to see the anaconda between his legs even though I don't want to.
When I turn to look at him, I'm surprised when he has a smile on his face. It throws me off. Maybe he was enjoying making me nervous like this.
"I know you're pushing me away. I'm not going to take no for an answer," he explains, "I need to explain why I had sex with your husband from the other world."
"Because you were horny."
"It was more than that. In my world, you are so restricted. For the first time coming to your world, having that conversation I had with Ezra...I felt...free," he explains to me, "He gave me hope that maybe there was a world with privacy."
"Taured has privacy."
"Taured is a disease-ridden joke. People die early. The government intentionally turns it into a wasteland so that they show a light to the world and say, `look, this is what a private world looks like'. But they're wrong. It's not. There is another world out there where people can be private. Another world where people can share an intimate moment. I know this doesn't make sense. I know it isn't an excuse. I know you won't get it. But I needed to share that intimate moment with someone. Anyone."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want you to know that I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you or ruin anyone's marriage. I should have seen his wedding ring. I should have picked up on the signs you two were together. I take full responsibility for my part in the affair."
"Why do you care what I think?"
Ronin is standing in the shower. It's far too long. He looks over at me. In this small tub, we are far too close. And that's when I notice it. I notice his dick. It's getting hard. I know it Is because my dick is getting hard as well in the shower. Somehow both our dicks are touching one another. He can feel it.
I try to think of anything. Kittens. Nuns. ANYTHING! It doesn't really seem to work. Ronin is turning me on in a way that I can't understand.
"From the first moment I met you, I've been asking myself the same question," he admits.
Fuck things were getting so hot. So fucking hot. Literally. Steam was filling up the shower. He gets closer to me. His lips are so close to me. Our dicks are pressed up against one another. Our eyes are peering down on one another.
What was happening?
I almost want to give up. I'm so close to giving in. Then all of a sudden he stops. Ronin is actually the one to stop.
"I should get out. Time is almost up."
"Wait..." I stop him as he's walking out of the shower.
I open my mouth. I want to tell him to stay. The words are coming out of my mouth. They literally come out of my mouth and I see his eyes watching my mouth so intently as though I was going to give him winning numbers for a lottery ticket.
Instead of saying the words though I pull back, "Pass me a towel on your way out."
He hands me a towel, turns to me and then leaves the bathroom with one of his own.
I'm sitting on the bed at that moment. I can't get my fucking head off of Ronin. It's almost as though he put a curse on me. In this strange world, I felt lost in translation. I didn't understand anyone, but somehow Ronin reminded me of home. And the weird thing is he wasn't even from my world. I'm laying on this strange bed in this strange house with a towel wrapped around my waist. Ronin's my only comfort.
I don't know why I do it. I pick up the tablet. And then I do the only thing I can think of. I type in Ronin's name.
And his video populates.
"Fuck," I whisper to myself.
The reason I'm surprised is that Ronin is in his room right at this moment. He is completely naked. He's sitting in a chair and he has his tablet out. He's looking at something but from the angle, I can't tell what he's looking at.
All I know is his dick is hard. It's so erect as he's sitting on his chair that it begins to ooze with precum. I stare at him as though I'm staring at the presence of God. The strange thing is there was no God in this world...only the All-Seeing Eye.
"Damn..." I whisper again.
He laughs, "Ha..."
That's when he does the weirdest thing. Ronin shakes his dick back and forth. Weird. Real fucking weird. Was he...reacting to me?
I look up at the camera at that moment. Was Ronin...watching me? Was he streaming a video of me while I was streaming a video on him?
I don't know what gets over me. All I know is that in the next few seconds I'm removing my towel. I'm laying there completely naked now. I watch the stream and see Ronin immediately bite his lower lip the very same moment that I do it.
"Damn," he states, repeating it in almost the same tone that I did.
I watch as Ronin spits in his hand. My eyes are glued on his live stream as Ronin begins to work the saliva up and down the shaft of his dick with his hands. He starts at the base of his dick and slowly works the saliva up the side of his dick. The camera is so clear that I can see every vein on his dick as his saliva shines in the light of his room. He is jerking off at that moment. He's jerking off and I'm watching him staring at something on the tablet.
Is it my imagination? Was he watching me?
I do the unthinkable in the next moment. I begin to finger myself. I push my fingers into my ass using the same spit technique that he had used. I wrap my legs around my head. I'd always been flexible in that sort of way. As soon as I do that I look over at the stream and notice how much faster Ronin has started to jack off. He's beating his dick with this intensity now.
"Uh..." he states throwing his head back for a second as though imagining he's somewhere else except on his chair, in his room.
Where did you want to be Ronin? Did you want to be inside of me? Did you want to be stroking my hole right now?
I want to ask all of those things. I want to give myself away. But I didn't. I continue to go deeper pushing three fingers into my asshole and watching the strain on Ronin's face as he applies more spit to his palm. He's working the head right now. Precum bubbles up at the top of his dick and helps him keep his dick even moister.
Our rhythm almost matches up in the video. Somehow every time he strokes his dick upward, I'm pushing my fingers deeper inside of me. On and on we go. Both of us are moaning loudly. Both of us are feeling this intensity of masturbation that drives us both up a wall.
It happens until he comes. The semen shoots out of his dick and covers his chin. It drops down to his chiseled abs. It settles there on his stomach. I stare at it. Wishing that water fountain was inside of me instead of just being wasted on his chest.
Secretly, I'm yearning for the one man who I should hate more than anything.
And I couldn't fucking help it.
Ronin and I somehow keep looking at our tablets, even after we clean up the messes we've made from sex. Even after we get dressed. We're still just looking at the tablets. It isn't until Adrian comes home that I put my tablet away. Adrian comes into the bedroom. He has a smile on his face that lets me know he didn't see Adrian walking into the bathroom with me earlier.
"How was your day baby?" he asks.
"Great," I respond, "Just...non-eventful."
What was I supposed to tell him? I spent the day masturbating to his adopted brother and spying on him like a goddam pervert. That wouldn't exactly work in a marriage, not even in this world.
"Get dressed. We need to get you out of the house. We are going on a double date."
The idea of getting away from my thoughts about Ronin definitely helped. I literally spent the whole day staring at him. It wasn't right. It wasn't what I should have been doing. I needed time away from him.
"Great. I'm all for it. Who are we going with?"
I'm surprised but surprisingly irritated when Adrian answers.
"I set Ronin up on a blind date."
The bowling alley is similar to something in my own world. It's almost exact, except for the cameras of course. I guess there were people who liked to watch other people fucking bowl or something. It's awkward as hell when I see Ronin sitting there with his date, especially after what happened earlier.
Ronin's date was a good looking guy. He was really good looking actually. He was tall. He on a striking black sweater on and these deep, dark eyes. He was darker than me and had a bald head but was one of those guys who looked good rocking a bald head.
Ronin looks over at me as we are sitting there putting on our shoes getting ready to bowl. It's beyond awkward. We didn't have to look at each other in the car but right now he's definitely looking at me.
"I need a drink," he says out of nowhere.
"I'll get you one!" the date says.
The date seems rather excited to be out with Ronin. Hell, anyone would be happy to be out with Ronin. He leaves the rest of us alone at that moment.
"So, what do you think?" Adrian asks Ronin, "Nick is handsome huh?"
Ronin shrugs, "He's alright. Not my type."
"You can't be picky," Adrian states.
"Adrian you can't force them to like each other," I state out of nowhere.
I don't know why I care. I add a laugh as though making it seem like it's not that serious. I'm annoyed though. The guy was handsome...really handsome. The more I think about the fact that they were together, the more I'm just annoyed.
"I'm just saying. It's hard to find someone to date a guy from Taured," Adrian states.
The more I get to know this world's Adrian, the more I realize that almost everything that comes out of his mouth just seems to be a little fuckin' offensive. The fact that he says that right in front of Ronin blows my mind.
"Ronin is a nice guy," I state finding myself getting defensive of him, "And he's fucking attractive as all hell. I'm sure you're the only one who cares that he's from Taured."
I don't say that with a laugh. Matter of fact my face is serious. Adrian looks at me with this weird look. He's confused on why I'm coming at him like that.
"You guys. If it's that serious I'll give the guy a chance. No need to argue," Ronin states out of nowhere.
"That's all I'm saying," Adrian states.
Somehow Ronin manages to defuse the situation just in time for his date, Nick, to come back. Nick hands Ronin a drink. Ronin actually smiles at the guy this time. It probably makes Nick's day that Ronin is giving him this gorgeous smile. I even watch as Ronin put his arm around Nick. The two of them start having a conversation. I don't know why they are whispering to each other. I don't know why I can't stop looking over at them. I watch Ronin say something to Nick. It has to be funny because Nick starts giggling out of nowhere.
"You OK?" Adrian asks me out of nowhere, "You look mad about something."
"I'm completely fine," I state taking a deep breath, "Ronin? When you're done being a comedian, it's your time to bowl."
Ronin smiles at that moment, "Thanks, Rio."
He gets up and walks over to bowl. As he does I can see Nick just watching him with these intense eyes.
"Would you look at that ass?" Nick laughs.
"You should get to know him," I tell Nick, "There is a lot more to Ronin then how he looks. A lot more under all of that."
Nick smiles, "Trust me. I know."
Just as he does that Ronin gets a strike. Of course, he would get a strike. I watch as he comes back and Nick, like this desperate clown he gets up and gives Ronin a hug and a kiss. He kisses Ronin on the goddam cheek. Who fucking does that during bowling? Whatever happened to a fist bump?
"You seem really excited to be out with Ronin," I state, getting up and realizing it's my time.
Adrian nods in agreement, "Nick is a big fan of Ronin's videos. We work together and he made sure I didn't leave the office until I set up this blind date."
I get ready to bowl.
"Especially the one he made this morning. The All Seeing Eye blessed me with that vision," Nick giggles out of nowhere.
When he says that I'm so distracted that I bowl right into the gutter.
"What happened this morning?" I hear Adrian ask him behind me.
When Adrian asks that question again I bowl another dud. How the hell do you stay focused when people are talking about what happened earlier? They were just having this weird conversation as though one of the most private things someone could do in their lives wasn't broadcast to the world. No one even skips a beat.
"Everyone masturbates," Adrian states.
"Not like this," Nick states, "He was watching someone...maybe someone else's stream. And he was all into it. It was so passionate. Amazing."
Adrian laughs at the thought, "Having Eye sex?"
The term almost makes me spit out the beer that I've been drinking.
"Something like that," Ronin states.
"Who was on the other end?" Adrian asks.
Ronin shrugs, "Just someone special."
"Oh, no...am I too late?" Nick asks.
"Nah. I can't be with this guy," Ronin offers, "He is going through a lot of...complications at this moment. The last thing I want to do is complicate things more. So yeah. I'm very much available."
Adrian raises his eyebrow intrigued by what Ronin is saying as he goes up to bowl. I sit back listening to the conversation as Nick continues to flirt with Ronin. Ronin was showing him just how `available' he was. Here I was, with two husbands, married in two worlds with all my complications and I was jealous about the fact that Ronin was getting attention from this guy.
I zone out. I can't help it.
"It's your turn," Ronin states, "Rio."
I look up. I get ready to bowl. I could care less about this game. I'm distracted. All of a sudden I feel someone coming up behind me. I turn and it's Ronin.
"Let me help you with your stance," he states.
He puts his hands on me. He fixes my waist. Feeling Ronin touching my waist, adjusting my hips and using his hands to readjust the way I was holding the ball makes me so uncomfortable. He's pressed behind me. His crotch pressing up against my ass. I'm turned on...yet again.
"I'm Ok now," I state.
"No, you aren't. You need to...relax..."
Was he talking about the bowling or something else?
I bowl. I take out 6 pins. I smile when Adrian is smiling back from our seats. Ronin is still standing up there.
"Your date looks lonely."
"I'm up here with you right now. This is where I want to be."
"Not where you should be."
"Do you want me to go back to my seat?"
"Good. Then come on. Let's get these other pins."
He guides me again. This time breathing with me like he does when I get my panic attacks. He measures up my hands. He readjusts my wrists. He helps me focus on the goal. He helps me focus on the lane ahead of me.
"I won't get it," I warn him.
"Stay in the lane you are in right now. Don't focus on the other parallel lanes around us. Right now you are going down this lane. You have to act like you're down this lane," he tells me, "Once you understand that, you will meet your goal."
Is he talking about bowling? Is he talking about my predicament? Is he talking about both?
I bowl again. I get the remaining pins.
I'm so happy that I hug him. I don't know what gets over me. I give him the biggest hug right there. It is so surprising that Adrian gets up at that moment seeming bothered by how close the embrace was. I wonder if Adrian is suspicious of what Ronin whispers to me in the next second.
"I'm here for you," he whispers.
I watch at that moment when Nick does something odd. He literally reaches behind Adrian and I swear he grabs Adrian's butt!
What the fuck was that about?
The rest of the night is fun. I get better. I don't mind Ronin flirting with Nick. When he told me what he told me, I felt at ease somehow. It felt like he was playing his role. He was staying in his lane. But I still knew that he was here for me. And for some reason, that reassurance was all I needed.
The four of us walk into the parking lot. At this point everyone is a little tipsy it seems and everyone had a good time.
"Dammit," Adrian says.
"What?" I ask.
"I can't find my wallet," Adrian explains, "I just had it in my back pocket."
"I think I saw a wallet back there on the seat in the bowling alley," Nick states.
Adrian runs back to the bowling alley. I give him a weird look. I had remembered thinking he had grabbed Adrian's ass, but that didn't make sense. He was way too into Ronin to be grabbing my husband's ass.
"You picked his pocket," I state.
Just at that moment, I see him pull something out of his pocket. I'm not sure what it is but he presses a button on it and the street lights around us go out. The parking lot go completely dark.
"An EMT surge..." Ronin recognizes.
"It takes out electricity in the vicinity. It takes out the cameras and microphones nearby," Ronin explains to me, "That kind of device...it's what the Blind use."
Nick looks over at me.
Was Nick...was he one of the Blind?
"Normally we don't do this," Nick explains to us, his voice all of a sudden seeming calm and focused, "But the future of everything depends on it. I'm a representative of the Blind. We need to meet with the two of you. We need to meet with you soon."
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