Date: Sat, 5 Mar 2011 21:54:02 -0700 (MST)
From: kellogg@dim.com
Subject: Plant Category: Gay Urination

Plant
by Mudcub

"How is the new specimen doing?"

"Well, it's one of a few hundred plants we captured from earth, all
different types. Over the past year we've studied 'trees' and 'grasses'
and 'mushrooms'."

"You said the new plant is called a 'human'?"

"Well, that's just the name of the species. But I think it's the most
interesting plant we've discovered yet!"

"Why?"

"Well, it makes noise, for one. But not like the beautiful crystal reeds
on Rigel-3. No... this new plant makes more of a screaming or yelling
noise. Annoying, but not unexpected. After all, many species make
vibrations with their anterior leaves."

"Then why is it so interesting?"

"It's just that it makes so many different sounds. Sometimes it's a loud
barking yell. And other times it's a soft crying whimper. It's almost like
it's trying to tell us something."

"And I hear it's ambulatory, too."

"Yes, that's true. It is able to move its four roots in order to move to
different types of soil."

"But surely you aren't letting it do that?"

"No, sir. After the first time it moved, we secured it with tendrils."

"Just one?"

"Oh, no, Sir. We grew about a dozen for each limb, and at least twenty for
the torso and head. They wrap around and around as tight as possible and
stretch the specimen out for study. The tendrils are intertwined with the
specimen's branches so it is completely immobile."

"I see...and when the plant tries to move or struggle?"

"Then the tendrils know to compress and squeeze the plant tightly until it
stops moving. Then they release and compress again. We have found a thick
tendril wrapped around the breathing stalk causes the plant to become
quite still."

"Hrm, it has a breathing stalk... that's interesting. Kind of like the
aquatic plants of the Cat's Eye nebulae?"

"Even stranger, Sir! The breathing stalk also seems to be used for other
things. For example, that is also the place it vibrates air to make sound.
And it is also it's feeding tube!"

"Really... I'm amazed! One stalk does all those things?"

"Yes Sir, as far as we can figure out. We extended a long tendril down the
feeding hole... about three feet. That really made the specimen move and
twitch!"

"And what did you find out?"

"Well, the plant seems to need both air and food, but not both at the same
time. We found that we can cut off the air supply long enough to force
some liquid nutrients through the feeding tendril directly into the middle
of the plant. It doesn't seem to like it very much, but after it's insides
are completely full, we can pressurize air through the breathing tube
again."

"It looks like it tried to reject the feeding tendril."

"Yes Sir, so we had to grow that large mass that completely covers the top
of the plant to hold everything in place. The mouth hole is stretched open
with the breathing and feeding tubes as wide as possible."

"And you had to repot the plant several times?"

"It seemed to want to move around too much in loose sandy soil. So, we
gradually started using thicker and heavier clay. Now, the subject is in a
mud mixture with lots of decaying vegetation."

"Yes, I can smell it."

"Pardon Sir... I know the smell is rank. It's a combination of slime
moulds and rotting greens, as well as peat moss and composted vegetables.
It's as rich a soil as we could make. There is tons of nutrients in
there!"

"Did you really need to bury the specimen twelve feet underground?"

"Well, we thought that it was best to double the plant's height in case it
grows some more. The tendrils keep the specimen from crawling to the
surface of the mud, and the breathing and feeding tubes allow it to get
nutrients and oxygen while it is under all that muck."

"Great... great work. But I see a few other tendrils going under into the
mud. Is that also for the specimen?"

"Yes Sir... but not to bind it into place. No, we discovered that there
was another hole in the plant. But this one isn't for feeding or breathing
as far as we can figure out. It seems to be used to remove nutrients from
the plant."

"Remove nutrients? Why would a plant shed off useful material?"

"We don't know Sir. So, to be on the safe side, we are reintroducing all
of the solid waste that comes out of that hole back into the feeding tube.
There is another three foot tendril going up the bottom of the plant. We
have found if we completely fill the inside of the specimen with waste,
the plant excretes it back out after about a day."

"Maybe it's to fertilize other nearby plants."

"Possibly Sir. Our studies on earth have shown that all plants need a
steady diet of manure to fertilize their roots and make them grow. We
assume that the 'human' plant needs a diet of manure, too."

"Oh well, since there aren't another 'human' samples, I agree it's a good
idea to recycle it's own waste back into the system."

"Exactly Sir. After a load of waste has been excreted, the waste tentacle
sucks it back to the surface here in the lab. Then, we mix the results
with other materials and pump it back into the plant."

"Like what?"

"Well, we've tried a slurry of blue-green algae. And also liquified
organic matter that we puree first."

"Organic matter?"

"Well, garbage from our kitchens."

"Excellent. Make sure you vary the consistency. The plant make like really
runny nutrients, or it may need it dried-out and hard."

"Very well, Sir. Here's another thing: we noticed that if we vibrate the
waste tendril back and forth, and expand it's size a great amount, then
the plant seems to produce waste faster, and we think that's a good sign."

"Yes, we want things to move through the plant as fast as possible."

"But that's not all, Sir!"

"No? What is it?"

"When we pulsed the waste tendril back and forth for a few hours, we
noticed that a sixth smaller stalk grew out from the main part of the
plant."

"A smaller stalk?"

"Yes Sir, like a root of some kind. It got very hard and longer... about
eight inches. Then it started to leak some sort of liquid."

"Well, that's probably the plant giving off liquid waste... the report
says that the plant does that sometimes, too."

"No Sir. I think this is different. To test it, we grew a second waste
stalk to complete cover the root, and set that to vibrating as well. The
plant would go through cycles of shooting liquid out of the small root,
and then the root would shrink, and then the plant would excrete solid
waste which was recycled back into it's feeding tube. And here's the funny
part..."

"Yes?"

"When the waste went back into the feeding tube, the plant's root started
getting hard again and shooting out liquid. It seems to go on like that
for days."

"Good, good. I hope you are recycling the liquid waste back into the plant
as well?"

"Yes Sir, both the yellow liquid waste, as well as this new white gooey
sap that shoots out the hard root when stimulated."

"Interesting... interesting. Well, we have a lot to test during the long
spaceflight home. Now, I know you got got some other interesting plants
from planet earth too. Any ones that are similar to the 'human'?"

"Yes Sir, there are other ambulatory specimens. I think they are called
'cows' and 'pigs' and 'horses' and 'dogs'. We have those growing under the
mud as well, also held in place by tendrils."

"Here's an idea. Why don't you see how the 'human' plant reacts by filling
it up with solid waste from the the other plants, too? You know... one day
fill it completely full from the 'cow'. The next day from the 'pig', and
so on."

"You mean give it other types or of waste, as well as recycling it's own?"

"Yes, yes. Oh, and here is another test I'd like to try. I know you said
you can feed the plant or give it oxygen, but you can only do one at any
given time?"

"Yes Sir."

"Well, I want you to try longer and longer cycles. See how long it can
last without air."

"You bet, we'll start that right away. Any else, Sir?"

"Oh, there are so many things to test... um, let me see. I think you
should try vibrating and pulsing the feeding tubes in and out like you do
the waste tube. You know, see how big and deep the tendrils can grow."

"Yes Sir.. maybe we can make the tendrils meet in the middle of the
specimen!"

"Good thinking. And try filling the plant up from both ends with waste at
the same time. I want to see how full we can get it. I want that thing to
grow as big as it can before we get home in a year!"

"Aye Aye!"

"Oh, I'm excited about this new discovery. The next time we visit earth, I
want you to gather as many of those 'human' plants as you can. You know...
the biggest strongest specimens you can find. The ones have have that
interesting sixth root. By this time next year, I want to be raising a
huge bumper crop of humans!"