This Strange World Needs A Kicking! – Ch. 3
By Laura S. Fox
Copyright © 2021 Laura S. Fox
All Rights Reserved
Gay Romance
Intended for Mature Audiences Only
This story will contain graphic depictions of sexual intercourse, strong
language and it is not meant for readers who are less than 18 years of age.
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Chapter Three – This Body
Rules/Is An Utter Disappointment
Kai held back his
excitement with much difficulty as he hopped on the back of a black horse with
elegant ease. Having this body surely kicked butt. He wondered just how good he
was. Prince Sebastian was strong enough to kick a man the size of Conrad across
the room and had ice lasers in his eyes, which, again, was pretty damned cool.
It served a lot that his
body knew by itself what to do because he had never been on the back of a horse
in his life. The troops were gathered on a large field, and Kai let the horse
trot as he pretended that he knew what he was doing while looking over the
armed men.
The horse also appeared
to know when to stop and turn toward the troops. Hmm, was he supposed to hold a
speech?
"Fellow men," he started.
Hmm, was that how it was done? Impassive eyes met him. "Tomorrow, we will slain
some dragons."
There was no reaction
from the gathered men.
"This is all. Dismissed!"
he shouted.
Nobody moved. The
impassive eyes now seemed full of dismay.
Pepin hurried to him on
the back of a smaller horse. "Your Majesty," he whispered angrily, "you're
supposed to yell at them and tell them how bad they did on the last
expedition."
"How bad they did on the
last expedition?" Kai whispered back.
Pepin seemed taken aback
by his question. "They saved all the villages along the border and brought with
them supplies for an entire year."
"Well, that doesn't sound
so bad, right?"
Another discomfited
reaction from Pepin confirmed that he had, actually, a tough time staying in
character.
"All right." He turned
toward the troops again. "Last time, you sucked. Big time. I mean, come on,
supplies for just one year?"
"It was all the villagers
could spare."
Kai turned toward Conrad,
who was also on horseback and coming toward him. He wore a red coat that looked
like it had been made to order and the same disgruntled expression on his face.
"What are you doing
here?" Kai leaned slightly to one side and threw Conrad a questioning look.
"I am your royal
concubine, whether I like it or not. You enlisted my services," Conrad said
through his teeth.
"Ah, okay." It made
perfect sense. Not really. "So the people couldn't spare any more food. Is that
it?"
"Yes."
"Then it's
all `kay," he said with a shrug. "Good job, people." To emphasize that, he
turned his thumbs up and grinned.
Panicked whispers were
coming from the troops now.
"Seriously," Kai said
louder. "From now on, when we save a village or whatever, take only what the
people can spare. All right? Are we good?"
There was no more
movement, and all the eyes were on him, now filled with fear. Damn, he really
was some sort of villain.
"Can I dismiss them now?"
He turned toward Pepin.
"You'll have to train the
knights," his servant reminded him.
"Of course. Everyone but
the knights dismissed!" he shouted.
"The knights are waiting
for you at the jousting grounds," Pepin whispered.
Right. The troops in
front of him were all on foot.
"Then why aren't we
already there?" he asked Pepin like it was the servant's fault that his master
was a scatterbrain. "Come on, let's go."
Conrad followed them at a
short distance.
"Does he really have to
be everywhere I go?" he asked Pepin and threw one look over his shoulder at the
– his – royal concubine.
"Your Majesty, do you
really want to get rid of him? It would break his heart."
"Really? He hates my
guts. And he thinks that by getting rid of him I'm trying to break his neck,
not his heart."
"Break his neck? Ah, you
mean," Pepin said and made a discreet move with his hand across his neck.
Kai snickered. He was
starting to infect Pepin with his stupidity. "Yeah. Between you and me, because
he doesn't believe me, I have no intention to do that. I just don't need him
anymore."
"Why are you talking to
your servant about me?"
Kai let out a small yelp.
He hadn't noticed Conrad getting so close.
"Because you're annoying,
and I don't know how to deal with you," Kai said promptly. "BL or whatever, I'm
not interested, okay."
"Ah, so it's true,"
Conrad said. "You just wanted to make your servant jealous by bringing me to
your bed."
"Say what?" Kai asked
quickly.
It wasn't enough that it
was a BL story. He was caught in a frigging love triangle! Ugh, that meant
double the danger.
"I am not jealous," Pepin
said from the tip of his lips and turned his head away from both of them.
"You're not?" Conrad
hissed. "Then why do I have to wear such tight clothes? I can barely breathe in
them. It's surely your hand in this. I don't see how my garments could have
shrunken overnight."
Kai threw Conrad a
cursory look. "Are they too tight? You look pretty awesome in them."
Pepin looked at him, and
he seemed surprised at his reaction. Ah, so the servant wasn't completely
unaware of what must have happened to Conrad's clothes.
Conrad unbuttoned his
coat, revealing a sculpted chest. "And I have no shirt!"
Kai stared for a moment.
All right, he needed to focus. Be gone,
BL thoughts! "Pepin, why doesn't Conrad have a shirt?"
Pepin appeared quite
ready to throw a hissy fit. He put his heels in the sides of his horse and rode
away with a pissed-off look on his face. "Because Your
Majesty prefers him naked, anyway!" he threw over his shoulder.
"Hmm," Kai barely
managed. Great, now he was alone with Conrad, which wasn't exactly ideal. Who
knew what lewd thoughts crossed the guy's mind right this moment?
"You're letting him get
away with anything," Conrad accused as soon as Pepin was out of earshot. "And
you're taking him with you everywhere now? Does it mean that you're going to
put him in my stead?"
"In your
what?"
Conrad looked ahead. How
come a proud man like that could settle for becoming a royal concubine? It had
to be only because of the BL plot, or otherwise, it made no sense. "I would
rather you not torture me like this, but very well, do as you wish."
Kai grabbed Conrad's arm.
"Conrad, look," he said, "no one will get your place, all right?"
The molten lava eyes
inspected him for signs of lying, without a doubt.
"Cross my heart," he
added. "Now I have some knights --"
He gasped when Conrad
grabbed him and pressed their mouths together. They had to be riding pretty close
for the guy to pull a stunt like that. Kai felt his eyelids growing a bit heavy
and his chest getting warm as Conrad brushed his lips forcefully against his.
No way was he getting any
more tongue from a dude today! He pushed Conrad away, but just as measuredly as
he had done with Pepin.
Conrad licked his lips
and followed his every move with heated eyes.
"Um, about this, though,"
Kai started, "can we not do it?" That was a good idea.
"So that you can do it
with your servant?"
Kai groaned. "What the hell
is wrong with you, people? Why does everyone want to sleep with me?" Well, it
was an exaggeration, maybe, as they only seemed bent on kissing him, but still.
"Why? Are you really
asking that question? You're Prince Sebastian. Gods forbid someone didn't do
your bidding or it would be hell to pay," Conrad said tersely.
"And I have no idea what
you mean by that," Kai said under his breath. "Now let's go to the jousting
grounds, to kick some knight's ass."
Conrad looked at him with
a stricken expression in his eyes. "Even with the knights? Just how perverted
are you?"
"That's so frigging
rich," Kai moaned, "coming from a dude who just tried to stuff his tongue down
my throat."
"I certainly did not,"
Conrad said, obviously taking offense.
"You did. Good thing I
kept my mouth close," Kai said back. "You went all forceful on me."
"You ordered me all night
long to do that to you."
Kai rolled his eyes and
looked at the azure skies, hoping for an answer. "I mean it, Conrad. You look
like a cool dude. You can just forget about doing... that kind of things with me.
I'm not firing you from being the royal concubine since you care so much, but
I'm not going to require, um, that kind of services from you."
"I am not about to fall
into the same trap again. Now what do you want to do with the knights?"
"Definitely not the kind
of thing I did with you last night," Kai said. "I'm not a manwhore!"
Hopefully not, or cool ice magic and other stuff were wasted on Prince
Sebastian.
"Keep that thought, Your
Majesty," Conrad said with a smirk. "That is not what I've heard about you."
Kai sighed. All right, so
having superpowers came with drawbacks, but why did he have to be a manwhore in a BL story? Whatever, as a true hero, he would
have to navigate this world with skill and determination, even if it meant
fending off the advances of his sex slave along the way.
***
Sebastian took place at
the small table and looked at the sad vegetable stew on his plate. "Is this the
first course?" he asked.
The mother, whose name he
hadn't learned yet, looked at him with stern eyes. "As if you would finish even
one. I don't understand how you have no appetite at your age, but still managed
to grow like weed."
No appetite? He had a
legendary appetite. But this gangly body in which he was trapped for now
apparently cared little for food. Without commenting, he began to eat. From the
corner of one eye, he spied on Princess Tani. She was
fiddling with a magical item that looked like a thin rectangular box. She kept
tapping on it and giggling from time to time.
"I said `no phone at the
table'," the mother said sternly.
Ah, so that was the phone
Tani was talking about. And he seemed to have one of
his own. That was the sort of thing he would have to examine at length later.
The food was not much to
look at, but it had just the right amount of flavor. However, the portion on
his plate proved to be unsatisfying. He would just have to wait for the second
course once everyone finished theirs.
"Do you want seconds?"
the mother asked him.
Confused, he looked at
her.
"I'll fill up your plate
again just to witness the wonder," she said and grabbed his empty plate.
Oh, that was what she
meant by `seconds'. It wasn't like him to eat so much of the same food, but it
appeared that this family was down on their luck. Maybe the only wealth they
still had was the hot spring underneath the building.
His quest couldn't be to
solve this family's problems. Therefore, as soon as he could be alone with the
magical item called `phone', he would start figuring out what to do to lift the
curse and return to his world.
"Tani,
help me wash the dishes," the mother warned the princess just as they were
about to finish.
They were so pitifully
poor, Sebastian thought. They had no one to wash the dishes, either.
"How come Kai doesn't
ever have to help you?"
"He breaks everywhere he
puts his hands on. I don't want to budget new plates this month," the mother
said.
Oh, so the original owner
of this pathetic body was a klutz. However, Sebastian took offense at that. "I
beg your pardon. I am perfectly capable of doing that."
He had never washed
dishes, but he had seen the kitchen wenches using large buckets with soapy
water to clean them. How difficult could it be? He had slain dragons!
"All right. Let me see
you place the plates in the dishwasher without breaking one while not
forgetting to hit the correct button," the mother said. She linked her fingers
and placed her chin on them.
She was no longer young,
and she seemed tired, but Sebastian liked her for some unfathomable reason. He
was no good with mothers because he had never been close to one. Maybe that was
the reason why he liked her.
"What is a dishwasher?"
he asked.
The mother threw her
hands in the air and began grabbing the plates from the table. She was shaking
her head and muttering something under her breath. Sebastian followed her with
his eyes as she opened a strange drawer and placed the plates inside.
"Are you watching, my
helpless children?"
Sebastian looked
attentively. Apparently, this family was in charge of multiple magical items,
and he had been wrong, after all. Of course, the scarcity of food still had to
be taken into consideration.
The mother pushed a
button, and the dishwasher began making a strange noise. Sebastian looked with
intense interest. Was that thing going to spit back clean plates?
"When it finishes its
cycle, one of you," the mother pointed sternly at him and the princess,
"remember to take them out and put them back into the cupboard."
"I will stay here until
it does," Sebastian said.
The mother gave him a
crossed look. "For one hour and a half?"
Sebastian felt rightfully
taken aback. That was some slow-moving magic. A kitchen wench would be much
more efficient, but this family couldn't afford one. Probably, they had no food
to spare. That had to be the reason.
"Very well." He stood
stiffly. "I will return."
How would he be able to
tell the time? He hadn't noticed the presence of a clock anywhere in that
modest abode. He would just look out the window and check the position of the
sun.
"What's gotten into your
brother?" He heard the mother asking the princess.
"I don't know. He's just
himself, I guess."
Very well. He had no
interest in being questioned by the mother, and he couldn't allow her to doubt
him. Therefore, it was a good thing that the owner of his body was a strange
individual. His minor mishaps would go unnoticed.
Now, he had a few things
he was terribly curious about. He entered the room with the hot spring tap and
began examining it. From what he could tell so far, the magical items in this
world didn't require incantations or particular skills. They could be used by
tapping them or fiddling with knobs.
His eyes fell on the
porcelain bowl. There was water at the bottom and a scented piece of soap
hanged from a side. Then he noticed the reservoir that appeared attached to it.
And then, a small lever. Could that be the entrance to a hidden dungeon?
Without hesitation, he pushed the lever. Water rushed inside the bowl, and the
scented soap spread its smell. Then it stopped.
"How peculiar," he
murmured.
He pushed the lever
again, triggering the same thing. "Marvelous," he exclaimed. That portal could
be used to make things disappear.
"Mom!"
He turned to see Tani in the door.
"Kai keeps flushing the
toilet and yelling `Marvelous'!"
A toilet? The gears in
his head began to turn. He pulled his hand off the lever. "Oh, a toilet," he
said in a measured voice.
"Leave your brother
alone. You're too old to trail after him everywhere," the mother yelled back at
Tani.
"If only I could ask
someone about these strange things," he said to himself, without noticing that Tani was still there.
"What strange things?" Tani asked. Then she gasped and covered her mouth in fake
surprise. "Are you discovering your body?"
Sebastian frowned. Could
it be that she knew? "As a matter of fact, I am."
Tani
rolled her eyes. "You can't take a joke these days, seriously. Any question you
have, though, just ask your phone. I'm not getting pulled into your weirdness."
The phone, of course. It
was, apparently, a powerful item. But, to ask the questions he was interested
in finding answers for, he needed to be alone.
He left the bathroom and
walked into the hallway. Hopefully, he didn't have to share his quarters with
the young princess.
He noticed a door at the
end of the hallway. In big letters, an inscription said `Kai's Room, Keep Out And Be Aware Of Trolls'. Hmm, so Prince Kai appeared to
prefer sleeping under a bridge. Sebastian opened the door cautiously, only to
be welcomed by a small room with a bed and a desk. He walked in slowly, ready
for a troll attack, but nothing happened.
The walls were covered
with paintings of various creatures and tales of heroes. Well, at least, the
prince of this strange world was not unacquainted with what it meant to be a
ruler and defender of the realm. There was some comfort in knowing that this
world was still inhabited by monsters, which meant he could go on quests and
ensure that this family had enough food on the table.
He heard the plinking
sound from before again and searched his pockets.
"Aha," he said with
satisfaction as he discovered an item similar to what Tani
had used at the table. While hers was a bright pink color, his was black.
"Phone," he said, bringing the item to his lips, "what is a toilet?"
The phone remained
silent. Hmm, maybe he didn't know how to use it. He turned it over and examined
it carefully, and then he noticed the knobs on one side. He pressed on one, and
the item came to life.
"Marvelous," he said. The
face of his phone was a curvy female in skimpy clothes. Probably, she was the
servant of the phone.
"Swipe up to open," he
murmured. He placed his palm on the phone and moved it upward.
Oh, things were
happening. The curvy servant disappeared to let another appear in her stead.
All kinds of strange runes were stamped over her image.
Then, suddenly, the item
began to make noises, and the image changed again. He could see the face of the
handsome commoner he had met early. So, he was in his phone, too?
"Oh, stop it," he
murmured and began tapping and swiping at random, annoyed with that sound.
The commoner's face
appeared again but from a different angle. And he started talking to him!
"Hey, Kai," he said.
"What are you doing in my
phone..." What was the young man's name... "Milo?" Sebastian asked slowly.
"Hmm, yeah, good
question." Milo laughed. "You didn't read my texts."
Texts? Could it be that
the young man was a scholar? "No, I didn't," he admitted. "Where are they? I
might peruse them later."
Milo dropped his eyelids,
threw him a confused look, and then smiled. "What were you doing?"
"I just had a one-course
meal with mother and Princess Tani, and then I inspected
the room with the toilet. We have a hot spring," he added with importance.
"A hot spring? Where?"
"Under the building, of
course. We can command it by fiddling with knobs." Since Milo was just a
commoner, Sebastian felt that he needed to explain such things to him.
Milo ran one hand over
his face and laughed. "Great to hear that you have hot water. I don't want to
pressure you or anything, but how about going on a date right now?"
That strange and
dangerous quest Milo had mentioned before... Of course, as a valiant prince,
Sebastian wouldn't back down from a challenge. "What is a date, again?"
Milo grinned. "You really
love pulling this act on me, don't you? All right, I was thinking about going
to Mandy's, have some hamburgers."
"Hamburgers. What are
they?"
"Hmm, you're really
trying me here. Delicious meat in a bun with fries on the side and pickles.
I'll throw in some soda, and I'm paying."
Oh, it was something to
eat. This Mandy wench must be keeping a tavern where she served travelers. The
date had to be a perilous quest that required the consumption of ritualistic
food.
"After that, what will
happen?" he asked.
"I was thinking that we
could, you know, talk a little." Milo stopped and blushed. "Maybe kiss a little
more."
That sounded like an extremely
easy quest. "All right. Where should we meet?"
"I'll come get you. I'm
one block away. Oh, damn, I hope that didn't sound weird or desperate, right?"
"No, not at all,"
Sebastian said brightly. He had to accustom himself to the manner of speaking
of these people so that he could see about his quest without drawing
unnecessary suspicions. "Can you help me with something, commoner... I mean, Milo?"
"Shoot."
"How do I talk to my
phone and ask it questions?"
Milo laughed again, but
then he began explaining, all the while his eyes continuing to smile.
Sebastian's eyes narrowed as he listened carefully. The young man said goodbye,
and Sebastian got to work right away.
He had an entire world of
scholars trapped in his phone!
"So, let's see about that
toilet," he murmured under his breath. "Oh," he said as he began to read. "That
is quite... interesting."
***
"Kai, Milo's here," the
mother called from behind the door.
Right, he had a quest to
complete this evening.
"See him in," he said.
"Just go in. He's been acting
a bit strange," he heard the mother saying.
Hmm. He had to figure out
how to talk like these people. The mother didn't appear upset over having a
commoner visiting their place at that hour. Maybe Milo wasn't a commoner. Maybe
he was a knight.
The thought was
refreshing. Sebastian didn't care for commoners who thought of themselves as
adventurers. They were too much of a bother to save all the time.
Milo walked in, and he
was dressed differently than before. His clothes were thinner, and especially
the shirt with short sleeves was quite revealing of certain qualities he
possessed. Sebastian took in the broad shoulders and strong arms with
well-defined muscles. And it was easy to spot his chest through that thin
fabric.
Hmm, so Milo was an
enticer.
"How come you're not out
of your uniform yet?"
Ah, so that garment was
called a uniform. "I have nothing else to wear."
Only then he noticed the
presence of a closet. He should have searched through it, but he had been
caught up in exploring the many wonders the phone contained. Since it seemed as
if its knowledge was infinite, there was just one thing that worried him.
"Can one consume the
phone?" he asked.
Milo threw him a strange
look. "I'm only indulging you, dude, because you're finally with going on a date
with me, and this must be you coping with the shock. Do you want to eat the
phone now?"
"No, that isn't what I
meant," Sebastian said. "Its spirit... if I use it,
will it go away?"
Milo rolled his eyes. The
people in this world did that a lot. He pointed at something on the floor. "You
always leave your charger in the socket." He grabbed the phone from Sebastian's
hand and then jammed the end of a thin black rope in a nook on the bottom.
"Charger, phone, charger, phone," Milo repeated a few times.
"I'm not a simpleton,"
Sebastian protested. He didn't understand many things, but he couldn't allow
commoners to take him for a fool.
Milo made a move to give
him back the phone but then changed his mind. "You know what? I will just
delete the texts I sent you earlier. They're way too cheesy."
So Milo was a scholar who
wrote about cheese. Not a very interesting topic. Still, he disliked Milo
handling his magical item like that.
"Give it back now," he
said in a stern voice.
Milo smirked. "How about
you make me?"
Was that a challenge?
Yes, it was. Sebastian didn't hesitate and rushed to grab the phone from Milo's
hand, only to be avoided with ease. That would not do. He rushed again, but
Milo sidestepped. Enraged with being taken for a fool a second time, Sebastian opted
for a frontal attack.
He ended up on the bed,
on top of Milo.
Who, much to his
annoyance, was laughing.
He couldn't even prevail
in front of a commoner in this body? That was an utter disappointment!
"Hey," Milo called
softly, "do you have something weird in your pocket or are you happy to see
me?"
Sebastian narrowed his
eyes. He couldn't understand what Milo meant by those words. He had nothing in
his pocket, which meant that he was taken for a fool once more. This commoner
needed to be taught some manners.
TBC
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