But What Am I?
Chapter 5

(b/b, ns)

DISCLAIMER: This work of fiction contains explicit material intended for adults over 18. If you are under 18 or are offended by non-traditional sex, or sex between minors, do not continue. If reading this type of material is illegal in your location, proceed at your own risk. This work is the sole property of the author and may not be reposted or reproduce without the author's written permission. This is a work of fiction. If any characters resemble the living or dead, or events are similar to actual events, it is purely coincidental.

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Logan avoided Noah the next few days. Thursday, Noah stopped by and found Logan home by himself sitting on the front porch.

"Hey," said Noah, his normal cheerful self.

"Hey," replied Logan in a manner more suiting his mood.

Noah knew Logan well enough that something shitty had happened in his life and he just needed to get his friend away from home to brighten his spirits. Once Logan was feeling better, he'd tell him what was going on.

"There's gonna be a huge football game at the American Legion. Let's go." Logan thought about it for a minute then went inside to get his tennis shoes.

For a small town, there was a surprising number of boys between sixth and tenth grades close enough to participate in random games from war (using real BB guns, of course) to football. Today, they had enough for eight-on-eight.

The oldest boys picked teams and Logan and Noah, the speedsters, ended up on opposite teams. That didn't bother Logan, though. This means he would cover Noah on pass routes and get to put his hands all over the sexy boy. But today, once the game started, getting handsy on the passing routes only made Logan feel... well... it made him feel a lot of things. The only way he could sum it up was it made him feel bad about himself.

It didn't occur to Logan, he was too busy thinking about Noah and how he felt about himself and his friend, but football was a great way for him to exercise his anger and aggression. When he got the ball, he took on any would be tackler. Each time he possessed the ball, he fought for every yard, requiring three or four boys to bring him down. He especially liked it when one of the high school boys got the ball. Logan, an excellent tackler, could take down even the largest boy and inflict pain doing it. More than once did someone suggest he lighten up.

The game dragged into the afternoon. The hard-fought game was still tied when the boys, thirsty and tired, decided next score wins.

Noah's team had the ball and sent Noah long for a pass with the hopes of ending the game. He got past Logan who turned and chased the streaking receiver. Watching the ball, Logan caught up in the last couple steps and launched himself into the air tipping the pass up and over Noah's outstretched hands. Logan's team cheered his game saving play. But Logan landed on his back with a squeal and skid to a stop. He quickly rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in his arms.

Noah ran to his side and dropped to his knees. "Are you alright?" He wanted to comfort his friend, but he didn't know where Logan was hurt.

"I'm fine, give me a second," winced Logan. He was clearly in pain and Noah knew no matter how badly Logan was hurt, his friend was too proud to ever let on -- at least in front of the other boys.

"Oh shit," said Noah, "you're bleeding!" Blood seeped through white T-shirt leaving trails of red between the streaks of brown and green from his landing. Noah reached for the hem of Logan's shirt to check his back.

"No! Don't!" shouted, rolling away from his friend.

"But you're bleeding," explained Noah. "I just want to see how bad it is." The rest of the boys had returned to the line of scrimmage and were waiting for Logan and Noah to retrieve the ball and join them.

Noah reach for the shirt again and Logan rolled away from him and stood up. Turning to face his friend, the other boys saw the growing blood stains on the back of Logan's shirt. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to suggest that he'd injured himself, not just scraped it.

"Let me see?" asked Noah, reaching for the shirt again.

Logan twisted away. "No. Stop it." He jogged over and retrieved the ball, wincing in pain when he bent over to pick it up. He passed Noah on his way back to the huddle. Noah fell in behind him, following. Before Logan knew what was happening, Noah pulled up the back of back of Logan's shirt.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" yelled Noah.

Logan threw the ball on the ground and turned to face Noah. "I told to you leave it the fuck alone!" he screamed, tears streaming down his face. Not wanting the other boys to see, Logan took off running and Noah followed. He ran to the other side of the American Legion building, stumbled and dropped to his hands and knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

Noah stopped and stood over his friend. "Who did that to you?!"

Logan didn't answer so Noah asked again. "Who the fuck did that to you?"

This was exactly what Logan tried to avoid the last few days. He didn't want to explain why his back was black and blue. How could he explain that he finally stood up to one of his adult abusers and said "no" only to be beaten into submission? He was embarrassed that he'd gotten himself into such a stupid situation. He was mortified that he'd failed to protect himself and prevent the abuse. And for the first time, he was truly ashamed for all the things he'd done or had done to him. At this moment, Logan felt like a piece of shit that was unworthy of being on the same planet as Noah, let alone being friends.

He couldn't face Noah, so without looking up, he whimpered, "I can't tell you..."

The following Monday was the started of football camp. Noah's mom drove him to the school to meet the new coach, but Noah's mind was on his friend. Logan had been distant. Something horrible had happened, but Logan wouldn't tell him. However, once Noah met up with friends and practice started, the activity finally drew his attention away from his troubles and focus on having fun and playing football.

After practices that week, Noah's mom wanted him home to clean up, eat dinner and rest, so the boys didn't see each other that week. While Noah and their friends were at football, Logan stayed around the house as his mom and little brother ran errands and did this and that.

All the time alone at home gave him time to think and reevaluate things. He'd done sex stuff with other boys and love it. He craved the taste of another boy's cock and if he could get it in his mouth without the other boys thinking he was too eager to do it, or gay, then he was game for playing. Logan didn't even care if the other boys were interested in his dick or not.

But doing sex stuff with adults was something completely different and he couldn't get his head around it. In his mind, it was all the same stuff -- sucking dick, getting fucked -- but somehow it made him feel completely different.

First of all, he didn't really like it. He preferred boys his age and wasn't all that attracted to big, hairy, adult cocks and their musky taste and scent. And second, they often hurt him, called him names, or even hit him. In short, they made him just feel bad about himself.

Perhaps, if they were kind and had mentored the boy and allowed the boy to participate and explore on his terms, maybe Logan would have felt differently. Instead, these men had reinforced all of the negative characterizations Logan had heard about gay man. They took what they wanted, hurting him emotionally and physically. He was confounded by the idea that if these men were gay, then he obviously wasn't gay because he would never do things to hurt other people that way. But if he didn't like girls that way (he was certain he wasn't straight) and he couldn't imagine being gay (they were horrible people and he was nice and loving), he always came back to the same question. `But what am I?'

Wednesday afternoon he was laying on his bed trying to forget everything when his mom came in the front door and called him. "Logan! You have visitors!"

He crawled out of bed and looked out the window. He didn't see any cars so they must have walked or ridden bikes. Other than Noah, no one ever rode his bike out to visit him. Just wearing a pair of shorts, Logan headed down the steps to see who was there to see him. Turning the corner, Logan froze. Sitting on the couch visiting his mother was Bob and one of the high school boys with a camera.

Logan's mom was happy that another adult male was taking interest in her son. "Look who came to visit you."

"Good to see you again!" greeted Bob, full of friendly excitement to conceal his true motives. "Your mom was just telling me about the garden. Candice, would you show me the garden?"

"Yeah, sure. Com'on." She headed out through the back door with Bob following. Logan was confused, but not for long. The high school boy's name was still unknown to Logan, but the teen stood and approached him anyway.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out some photographs. Holding them up he said, "Bob made two sets of these. One set is for your mom and the other will get passed around at school if you don't do what Bob says."

Frozen in place, Logan looked at the boy in terror. To make his point, since Logan didn't ask about what the photographs were, he turned the photos over for Logan to see. They were photos of Bob abusing him in various positions, engaging in a variety of sex acts. He felt sick.

That afternoon he left with Bob and Kevin, that was the teen's name. Once again, Logan's mother was happy that her son had an adult male taking an interest in her son. She firmly believed that boys need a good male role model in their lives. If Logan's father wasn't going to take that job, she was happy that other men had volunteered -- even if they didn't seem to stick around very long.

Alone, long after the sun had gone down, Logan rode his bike home from Bob's house. The nine-mile trip gave the boy time to take stock in his life. He didn't like the balance sheet. Despite everything that was on his mind, he kept returning to one thought. `Why did Bob keep asking who his `special friend' was?'

Logan's thought process shifted from wanting to ride out in front of the next passing vehicle to solving this puzzle. Then it pieces fell into place. One his first visit with Bob, Bob had asked him if he had a `special friend'. At the time, Logan just thought Bob was asking if he had a best friend and he told the man that he had but didn't give him Noah's name. Now Logan realized that Bob was asking if he had a special friend that he had sex with. Bob is trying to find out who it is because he wants to have sex with Logan's friend too. It all finally fell into place in Logan's mind. Bob is trying to find out who Noah is so he could get at Noah.

"Oh shit!"


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