Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2008 09:57:35 -0700 (PDT) From: Blake sanders Subject: "Coming Out Within The Hurt" Chapter 5 BB AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A 100% FAKE, MADE UP, AND COMPLETELY UNTURE STORY. THERE IS NO SEX IN THIS STORY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ. IT DOSE HAVE GAY CONTENT WITH YOUNG BOYS. IF THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS ILLEIGEL FOR YOU TO READ STOP NOW. THE NAME OF A WEB SITE MALESUVIVOR.ORG IS A REAL SITE THAT HELPS WITH HEALLING OF ABUSE FOR MEN, BOYS, FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF SURVIVORS, HOWEVER THE EVENTS THAT HAPPEN ON THE SITE IN THIS STORY ARE FAKE. THE SITE IS LISTED HERE FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT NEED HELP DEALING WITH CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE. THIS STORY MAY NOT BE COPIED FOR ANY REASON WITHOUT WRITEN PROMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR. I would like to thank all of you that have emailed me. It means a lot to me. Here is another chapter. I did put in a few songs, but they add to the story. They may even give some clues... "Coming Out Within The Hurt" By: Kirk Gilbert © 2007 Chapter 5 "Forward Step Back" It was odd being back at home. My mom didn't say anything to me; she didn't even look at me. I knew Mrs. Walton had to have told her about my grandmother abusing me by now. I knew she would be mad at me. So I didn't bring up any talking of any kind. It was around six o'clock in the evening. I wasn't tired, but I felt weak at the same time. I stretched out in the middle of my room on the floor, and starred at the light hanging in the center of my room. It's not that it was new or anything, but it helped me blank out my mind to a degree. A knock came from my door scaring me to the point I almost wet my shorts. "Justin, are you hungry?" My mom asked from behind the door. "Not really, mom." "May I come in for a moment?" "Sure." She came into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. "Justin, I want you to know you can always come talk to me about anything. Why didn't you tell me about what you're grandmother did? Do you hate me that much? I'm sorry I'm not the mother you wanted." She said starting to cry. "Mom it's not you. It's just hard to talk about." I said softly. "I don't want anything to happen to you, Justin. I hope the neighbors don't find out. They must think I'm the worst mother in the world." "You're not a bad mom. I love you, mom." "I love you too, honey. I'm sorry I let you're grandmother do that to you." She said. My mom got up and left my room. I just laid there till I fell asleep. I woke up several times from nightmares. I wasn't looking forward to going back to school. I just wanted to disappear. I thought about running away to a place I used to go to in the summer. It was not far from my house, about two miles. There is an empty building there that very few people know how to get into. There were two other buildings there, but one had blown down in a high wind storm. The other one had to be torn down. The roof was caving in due to wood rot. The building that was left had been a huge b-17 hanger at one point. I was made of almost all wood, and birds of all kinds, four snow owls included, called the old hanger home. It had the smell of aged time from all the years it had been standing. I decided not to go there because the cops check it all the time. I continued to stair up into the light of my room. My mind was filled only with places. It would race and then slow, and I even though of places only known to be in that of fairy tales. I thought of many places, but found reasons I shouldn't go to any of them as a song, by Madonna, I sometimes listen to filled my mind from within. I have a tale to tell Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well I was not ready for the fall Too blind to see the writing on the wall Chorus: A man can tell a thousand lies I've learned my lesson well Hope I live to tell The secret I have learned, 'till then It will burn inside of me I know where beauty lives I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives The light that you could never see It shines inside, you can't take that from me (chorus) 2nd Chorus: The truth is never far behind You kept it hidden well If I live to tell The secret I knew then Will I ever have the chance again If I ran away, I'd never have the strength To go very far How would they hear the beating of my heart Will it grow cold The secret that I hide, will I grow old How will they hear When will they learn How will they know (chorus) (2nd chorus) I needed a place where no one would look for me, and I knew a place I could go. I would just have to deal with a bunch of shit, but I thought "Who cares. That's just what I get for opening my mouth and being so stupid." I decided to pack my things around three in the morning and was out the door. I arrived at my old baby sitters house by five in the morning. I knew he would not be awake till around six, and he would be angry with me, being I had not come over in well over two weeks. I just had no where to go that I wouldn't be found, and this was the only place I knew I would not be found. I knocked on the door around six or so, after sitting on his porch for what seemed like forever. The door opened with a "Well look who finally decides to show up." "Sorry, Andy, I've been in some trouble, and I need a place to stay for a while." "Oh, and you just think I want you now. Well, this is going to cost you." "What ever it takes." "Well get in here, and you know the rules." "Thanks." With that the door shut for a week and a half with me not seeing daylight or any soul other than Andy Davis, my old baby sitter. I don't know what the outside world was saying, or if they even cared. I just didn't care what happen to me, or what happen to the outside world I left behind. Maybe Andy was right the first hundred times when he said, no one wants me around. Monday came around, and Andy had to go to work. There was no food in the house so I ran down to the corner store to get something to eat. After not eating for four days I was getting kind of hungry, not that I planned to keep it down anyways. I walked down to the store taking my time. There was no one to be seen on the streets, and that was a good thing. It was nice and quiet yet kind of scary at the same time. I got down to the store to see a police car parked in front of the store. I thought to myself "Just fucking great". I sat down behind a wall separating the street from a grassy yard of a house next to the corner shop. I peaked out from time to time to see if the cop had left. After what seemed like two or three hours the cop finally left going right past me. I though I was busted for sure, but lucked out. I walked on over to the store and went inside. I grabbed up a bag of chips and made myself a Root Beer coke with no ice from the fountain machine. I paid for my stuff, and sat down on the bench next to the door. I had just finished eating when a hand landed on my right shoulder. "Gigs up son! I think you need to come with me right now." The police officer said. He said; "Thanks for the call." to the lady behind the counter as he pushed me out of the store to his patrol car. He stopped me at the door to his patrol car, and said to put my hands behind my back. I felt the cold handcuffs as I heard the clicking. He patted me down as if I was some kind of criminal, and put me in the back seat of his patrol car. I shuttered when he slammed the car door shut. I felt trapped and panicked. There was no way out. I knew I was doomed! There was not one word all the way to the station. I was placed in a jail cell with two big benches, and a water fountain sink thing. It was dark and cold in there. I curled up in the corner on the floor waiting for the unknown to happen to me. The feeling of being tied up triggering me into the depth of my unconscious mind. I didn't know what they where going to do to, me and at that point I just didn't care. I was to panicked too move. I needed to do something to take my mind away from where I was, the only part of my mind that was there at the time. I sung a song from Vonray deep in my mind. A song I had sung so many times before. Seventeen nights and fourteen days I spent time in a hollow cave on the lower east side the lower east side A long way back to your front door I stepped inside And on the floor was a letter just a letter With my hands all wet I slowly bent Had this twisted feeling inside my head I didn't tell her where I was going I never quite remember why I do the things I do When I'm sick and tired of myself She's the kind to sneak inside and twist your mind You want to take a bite but then you spit it out spit it out again On a solitary chair she placed in the corner If I gather up the strength and get a little bolder Will I open up? I got to open up his letter Chorus Free me. It's not worth dying for. If I gave a little more would this be fine? Tell me. What am I trying for? You've already slammed the door and left me behind. After counting all the words I felt your pain But I had to sit down and read it again To let it sink in. Did it sink in it all? It's hard to hold back this raging desire to light it all up And sit by the fire and watch it burn, now the tables turn The only way back to the way it began Is to take another look and try to understand See it through your eyes now I realize Yeah yeah yeah yeah (Chorus) It's been seventeen nights and fourteen days that I've been alone So I thought I'd write you a letter Just a letter I don't know how long I was there, repeating that song deep in my mind, before I heard my mother talking to one of the officers. "Boy?" The officer barked. I raised my head slowly from the comfort of my arms, the only comfort I had. "Did you puke on my floor?" "I couldn't help it." I said at a near whisper. "I'll be right back with a mop, because you're going to clean up your mess before you go anywhere." He said turning, and leaving the barred door still locked in place. A few minutes later he returned, and threw the mop on the floor threw the bars of the door. Next he pored a bucket of water threw the door that washed most of my stomach contents down a drain in the middle of the floor. "Now clean it, and do it right!" he commanded as he left again. I cleaned the floor the best I could, making sure I got every last drop cleaned up. I even cleaned the rest of the floor even though I didn't make the whole mess. I would have cleaned the jail cell top to bottom if I had the stuff to do it with, just to calm my mind. I could have cleaned the whole police department, and would have been seemingly perfectly happy doing it. If cleaning was what cops call punishment then I should run away, and get caught more often. After the first part of the punishment, I couldn't do it again anytime soon. "Where on earth have you been?" My mother asked as they opened the door. I didn't even answer; I just kept cleaning my cell. I think the officer realized that he found the only kid in town that likes to clean, because he had to tell me to stop cleaning. He did tell me he had never seen such a clean cell in his career working in the jail, and that I had done a super job. I just said thanks as I followed my mother out of the police department. The drive home was long and quiet. I just wanted to die, or at least go back to jail if I could clean more. I didn't want to go home, and I didn't want to be found. Maybe I was better off dead, but I would find a way to screw that up too. I started for my room as soon as we got inside the house and my mom said "Not so fast, you're going to stay down here where I can keep an eye on you." I sat on the couch starring at the TV, but not really watching it. When another song, by Vonray, filled my mind. Wicked seeds of desperation Who ever dream that this memory would come back Evil deeds that breed temptation I close my eyes but I cannot relax I can assume to know his reasons I can attempt to put a name upon his face Empty eyes I see the demon If I could I would leave this place Part of me doesn't even care Part of me wasn't even there Another wave to crash around me A pulling current that could bring me to my knees Where was I during the beating Separation of body mind and ? Part of me doesn't even care Part of me wasn't even there I can still see his face The lines upon his face And if could erase the hate That breeds this nightmare And how was I to know A child of twelve years old A hollow seed But I can be Whatever I? Want to be. Part of me doesn't even care Part of me wasn't even there (x2) I was softly singing the song in my head, and trying to blank my mind, when the door bell rang. My mom told me to stay put as she got the door. "Hi! Need a friend?" I got up to see Cody standing in front of me. My mother was working on dinner in the kitchen from all the noise she was making. I guess she wanted to let me know she was not far away, but trusted Cody to make sure I didn't run off again. "Where have you been Justin? Everyone has been looking for you, and your mother called almost everyone in town." "I was in an old hiding place." "Well it's a good hiding place if you don't want to be found. Maybe you could show me it some time." "No!" "All right then. You don't have to, sorry." "It's not that, Cody...I just don't want to talk about it after being in jail and all." "Jail? You went to Jail?" "Yeah." "Wow! I never knew anyone that went to jail before." "It wasn't all that bad once I had a mop and some water." "I guess they found out that you liked to clean?" He said with a big grin. "You could say that. The officer there said he'd never seen such a clean cell." "Maybe jail dose help people. You know, cleaning helps you think." "I guess." "The gang is worried about you." he said after a long time of silence from both of us. "Yeah right." "They are!" "Why?" "Coz you've been missing forever, silly. Oh, a good friend of yours is worried sick, or at least more than the rest of us from looking at him. Kevin, asks about you every day." "Kevin? Oh shit!" "Justin Andrew Dolton!" My mother poked her head in to the living room. "Sorry! I totally forgot about him." "Well, he's sitting with us at lunch now. He's a pretty cool guy once he opens up, even if he can't sit still. Oh, he gave me his phone number to give too you, or your to mother just in case you where found so you could call him." "Thanks." I said taking the folded peace of paper from Cody's hand. "Justin, I don't know what you said to him, or did to him, but I think you made a real impression on him. I think you got a good friend there." "But you're my friend." I said softly. "You can have more than one friend, silly. Man, I think you left your brain in your hiding place." Cody said. "Yeah, guess so." >From the dining room we heard "Dinners ready boys, wash up before you come to the table." We headed to the down stares bathroom to wash our hands. I let Cody go first being he was my guest. He washed his hands, and waited by the door for me to wash my hands. I also took this time to wash my face and arms. "Jezzz! You think their clean yet?" "Ha! Very funny." "Dry off, and let's go! I'm starved!" "Coming." "Really? You are? Hehe!" He said with that silly laughing grin on his face. We went in to the dining room, and dished our food onto our plates. I took some salad, mashed potatoes, and a small piece of ham. I was not real hungry, but I had a friend over. I didn't want to be rude by skipping dinner like I had planned to do anyways. "Aren't you hungry, Justin?" Cody asked with a St. Everest pile of food on his plate. My mom was looking at my plate like I was nuts for not being hungry. I tried to look at them as if they where crazy for even bringing it up in the first place. "Nuh, I'm just not a pig is all." "Justin!" My mother barked, and Cody buckled over laughing. "What? It was a joke! Look, Cody got it!" "Well, Cody, had a good point. You need to eat more." "Really, I'm not all that hungry. I had just finished eating when the cops picked me up." "Ready for school tomorrow?" Cody asked. "Sure, I just can't wait to go, can't you just tell? This is me running for the school now, wow one millimeter! At this rate, I should arrive some time in the next two hundred years." I said, causing Cody to laugh so hard he couldn't even put his spoon full of food in his mouth. I did wonder what it would be like to be back in school. I didn't think everyone was really missing me like Cody said. I think he was just telling me that to make me feel better, but I knew there had to be some truth to some of it, because he said Kevin was sitting with the group now. I decided not to call Kevin, because I didn't know him well enough to know if it was cool with is family and all. But, if it were not for that I would have called him in a heart beat! I got in bed that night thinking of what all I was going to be encountering at school, in the group, with Kevin, and everything else going on. I thought at one point I even have the chance at getting hit by a car on the way to school. Going back to school scared me. Really, I wanted to run again, but thought it best if I didn't. My last thought before drifting off to sleep was "Where is my life going to take me next." PEACE IS BEAUTIFUL, BLAKE Well, there you have it. We are moving right along, and Kevin is starting to show up more and more... Emails are welcome, and I look forward to reading each and everyone of them! Again, thank you for reading Coming Out Within The Hurt.