Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2022 10:32:00 +0100 From: Andrew Passey Subject: Coming Out Part Three (Young Friends) I can't say I'd forgotten that Oscar knew I was gay when I went to school on Monday. It was front and centre of my mind and I felt waves of anxiety on the walk to school with Jorge. I'd told him what had happened and he instantly got very angry. "Fucking hell, what a fucking shitshow. Bloody Olly and Bella and their big fucking mouths!" "It wasn't their fault, I should have closed the door or checked we were completely alone. I was so wrapped up in the stress of telling them I was gay I wasn't thinking." "Well everyone will know if Oscar knows," Jorge said before he saw my worried expression and quickly backtracked. "Actually no they won't, no one messes with his Mum and if she says he won't say anything, he won't say anything." That didn't dissuade all my anxiety and fears but as the week progressed things seemed normal. I expected that if Oscar was going to tell anyone then it would have been that first week after he'd found out. After that it was probably old news to him and he'd find someone else to torment. So by the end of the week which had passed by normally with no comments or anything I assumed all was fine. As fine as things can be when you're an almost fourteen year old gay kid in an all boys catholic school anyway. There was no doubt my sexuality was a cause of stress and anxiety for me. It's hard sometimes when you're different from the majority. Not just if you're gay like me. I knew the way black kids were treated by the police locally was different as well. Whether it was unconscious bias or deliberate racism they definitely suffered. Unfortunately it was a fact of their lives, I guess a black kid can't be in the race closet. Their race and skin colour is on display all the time. I on the other hand could keep my sexuality a secret without it showing. It didn't mean that I didn't spend an awful lot of time wishing I was the same as everyone else. I didn't hate myself or anything like that. I just felt my life would be easier if I was straight, That thought was about to become even more powerful. It was a couple of weeks or so after I'd come out to Olly and Bella, and by default Oscar. That fourth week of the school year? Something felt a bit off. I started to notice boys I didn't know looking at me and I began to convince myself that when boys were whispering they were talking about me. "It's just paranoia!" Jorge assured me when we were eating lunch together on Tuesday lunchtime. "Isn't it Olly!?" Olly looked uncomfortable,"I....I don't know. I had argument with Oscar at the weekend and he told me he was going to start telling people you were gay Sam. I told Mum and she's threatened him with being grounded but it all seems a bit too...suspicious. It might be nothing but I don't know. Best not to worry about." The problem of being told not to worry about something is that it's really really difficult not to once someone has said that. I tossed and turned in bed that night wondering if my secret had been revealed. Was I about to be confronted by a bunch of hormonal homophobic boys who would do anything not to be suspected of being gay. Like beating me up...or worse. After all, living in London as a teenager you can't be blind to the spectre of knife crime. The stress just magnified itself the next day. I was struggling to handle things. I couldn't even get my dick hard to wank off and get some release. I was in a permanent state of anxiety. If I was in any doubt that the word was out about me then it was rammed home in spectacularly awful fashion at swimming on Thursday. I walked in with Jorge and Olly, we were slightly late and a lot of boys were already getting changed. The changing room noise seemed to dim when I walked in. However Mr Johnson told people to hurry up so the three of us got changed as quickly as we could. Weirdly since I'd come out the three of us seemed more comfortable being naked in front of each other. Although Olly was better hung than both me and Jorge so I guess he was more than happy to show it off. I thought I heard the odd whispered comment of "cocksucker" but I was hoping it was my imagination. After we'd got out the pool and I walked in from the shower to get changed, Henry fucking Patterson decided to blow my world up. "Watch out boys! Sam the filthy cocksucker is here! Cover up those cocks before he tries to drain your balls dry!" He said nastily standing there half dressed, smirking at me. The room went deathly quiet and I stood there not sure what to do. "Mr Patterson, my office. Now.!" Mr Johnson said. He must have walked in at the right time, or the wrong time really. Now he had heard along with everyone else. "But sir it's true!" Henry protested as he finished getting dressed. "My brother told me! It's all around the school. He told Oscar Fellows a few weeks ago he was gay. Everyone knows. He's going around telling people he's gay, it's like he's proud of it!" "I SAID NOW!" Mr Johnson shouted looking furious. I hid in the corner quietly getting dressed while it seemed everyone looked at me. Henry and Mr Patterson left the changing room before his friend Richard spoke up. "Fuck off out of here gay boy. You aren't welcome here!' Jorge was half naked in just his pants and an unbuttoned shirt but he instantly stood up for me. "Fuck off Richard, sorry I mean DICK. Stop being such a homophobic arsehole!" "Yeah DICK! So what if Sam is gay, there's nothing with being gay and it doesn't change who he is!" Olly chipped in. I know Olly was trying to help, like really really trying to help but all he'd done was just basically confirm to everyone I was gay. I think he realised it as he then tried to frantically backtrack, "Not that he is obviously." The damage was probably done. I guess I could have actually denied it. Balls it all out and protest that I wasn't gay. But my blood was up and I hated my friends having to lie for me. I suppose I felt that you either embrace it or you let it destroy you. I didn't want arseholes like Richard thinking he could lord it over me so as I pulled my trousers on I turned to look at Richard. "No Olly, it's fine. Yes Richard I am gay. I always have been. You didn't like me before, I guess you won't like me now. The feeling is mutual. I'm the same boy I was before, you're still the same arsehole you were before you found out I was gay. No different." "The same boy? Well one that likes cock, I bet you'd suck mine if I let you!" RIchard said, thrusting his groin in my direction which was thankfully covered by his trousers. Other boys continued to get dressed as they watched the byplay between us. "I'm only thirteen Richard. I wouldn't suck that tiny maggot you call a dick even if you wanted me to. You give the big talk but we all know you're a hairless little boy who hasn't even started puberty yet!' "Ooh burn!" another boy said loudly as Richard blushed bright red and stormed out of the changing room. "Well that could have gone better," Jorge said afterwards as I picked up my bag. "I didn't want that wanker thinking he could bully me!" I replied feeling pretty good about everything. I'd stood up for myself and hopefully laid down a bit of a marker that I wasn't just going to let wankers like Richard bully me. Jorge was about to bring me back down to earth with a bump though. "Yeah I get that Sam but you've basically confirmed in public that you're gay. There's no denying it now. The rumours might have disappeared after a few days once everyone got bored. Now everyone in the school will know. You'll be infamous, the only gay teenager in the school, well the only one in this school who has come out anyway. You might be able to handle Dick, no pun intended, but there are bigger nastier boys who might decide they can buff their own heterosexual credentials by beating the shit out of the gay boy. Bullies can smell blood and you've just chopped your arm off and you're bleeding out on the floor." "Oh fuck." "Hey don't worry Sam, it'll be fine. Jorge is overreacting, we've got your back and so has everyone else!" Olly was ever the optimist but it did make me feel better. We slowly walked out of the changing rooms and I could feel people's eyes burning into me. The same as we walked along the corridor, conversations seemed to stop as I walked past. I knew that was probably (hopefully?) my imagination but I could feel my anxiety levels rising again. Why had I wanted to come out? If I'd have kept it to myself no one would ever have known. Not till I was an adult anyway. Now I'd created a situation where everyone would soon know I was gay. Word would reach my brother and I had no idea how he would handle it. Then he'd tell Mum. Oh god this was all going to be a fucking nightmare. "Ah Mr Robinson, come with me, I think it's time you and I had a chat!" I turned round to see Mr Johnson standing there looking at me with that annoyed expression he often had, Could this day get any worse?