Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 21:20:08 -0700 (PDT) From: Dewey Subject: For the Love of Pete Chapter 16 This story is a work of erotic fiction involving teenage boys partially based on real people and events. Names have been changed to protect the guilty as well as the innocent. All the usual rules apply. If you shouldn't be reading this now, then don't continue on. Copyright Notice - Copyright (c)June 2000 by Dewey. This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights. For the Love of Pete Chapter Sixteen For the Love of Brian, Part Seven "... The Honorable Julie S. Desparo presiding." "You may be seated." The judge looked to be a forty something woman, average looks, slightly graying hair, wearing the standard judge's robe, sitting comfortably behind her bench. She was silent for a moment, first looking hard at my mom, and then at me. I don't know what effect she had on my mother, but for me it was very hard to keep my eyes on hers. She gave me the smallest hint of a smile before she spoke. "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get started. I want to speak to Peter in my chambers. Lead counsels may attend, but there will be no examination at this time. The interview will begin in ten minutes. Mr. Vanderkamp, please ensure Pete is in my chambers on time." She banged her gavel and stood. "All Rise!" Quickly she made her exit through the same door she entered. I glanced back to where Brian was sitting. I was worried about him, and I needed to talk to him. He was watching me, fear and anxiety still on his face. When he saw I'd caught him, he dropped his eyes quickly to his lap. What was wrong? I wanted to run to him, to tell him everything, to hold him. I was afraid I was going to lose him again, and we hadn't even said hello. Van grabbed my arm. "Pete, I know how you must feel right now, but we need to talk about this. The Judge is going to ask you questions. Look at me!" His face was hard, brows drawn together. "We need to deal with this now before you can deal with Brian. If your mom wins custody, you can be certain you'll never see him again." Now he had my undivided attention. "Judge Desparo going to ask you questions, and I want you to be honest. If she confuses you, then you tell her how you really feel about your mom and Carl, even if it doesn't make sense at the time. I should have prepared you for this, but I didn't. You'll be able to hold your own. And just ignore us sitting in the background, and ignore any noise you might hear. Your mom's lawyer will probably try to rattle you somehow." "I'm ready. I just want to get this over with." Again my eyes found Brian, and again I caught him watching me. "Give me a minute." Van nodded, and Kevin, who had been observing me, moved out of my path. I turned down the aisle, walking toward Danny and Brian, my eyes never leaving Brian's miserable form. As I approached, it appeared Brian didn't know what to do, whether to look at me or run away. He visibly shrank into his seat as I stopped in front of them. "Hello Pete." Danny reached out a hand, which I shook warmly, if a bit distractedly. "Hi, Danny. It's good to see you again. Can I talk to Brian, alone?" Danny smiled and nodded. He rose out of his seat, and then walked forward to speak with Kevin and Van. I sat in the seat just vacated, trying to catch Brian's eyes, but he made it a point to avoid my gaze. I was puzzled. He didn't seem angry with me, more like he was ashamed somehow, and was afraid to tell me what was the matter. On impulse, I turned toward him and reached out. I took his head in my hands, and raised his eyes to mine. At first, he tried to look anywhere but at me, but then, sensing I wasn't going to release him, our eyes finally met. "I told you to stay away from my son!" Of all the worst moments for mom to stick her nose into my business. And if she was there, Carl wouldn't be far behind. I spun around and stood, glaring down at her, my face a mask of crimson rage. She ignored me completely, glaring instead at Brian. I moved into her line of sight, locking my eyes to hers. "I - AM - NOT - YOUR - SON! It's too late for you to play mommy now. Whether you like it or not, you have no child. You gave the only one you had to strangers, and the only reason you are here now is because you are so angry that Gram and Gramp saw through you! They knew you are a self-centered, ignorant bigot with no heart! How could you even imagine that I would live with a mother that hates me because of something I have no control over? Get this. I - AM - GAY! And you hate me for that reason. So fuck you, and get the hell away from us, you bitch!" I hadn't realized it, but I was yelling at her, the volume of my voice growing with each word. I could feel every eye in the room resting on me. "Don't you dare talk to your mother like that, you little queer fuck!" Of course, Carl predictably tried to hit me. He must have been suffering from last nights hangover, though. He was so slow that I just ducked out of the way, gaining room to maneuver until help came. And come it did, but from an unexpected quarter. "Don't touch him you fucking bastard!" Brian's voice ripped out of him, followed quickly by his body hurtling into Carl's back, knocking him forward and down. Carl hit his head on the bench across the isle, and then fell to the floor, unconscious, a small amount of blood dripping from his forehead. I couldn't move, so great was my surprise at this turn of events. Brian bounded up immediately and faced off with my mother. I couldn't see his face, but I could tell he was furious by the way he held his shoulders and arms, the way he swelled up. Slowly he advanced, step by step. He was saying something to her, so low I couldn't make it out. She backed away from him as he approached her. I was thrust roughly out of the way as uniformed men rushed by. They tackled Brian from behind, taking him to the ground hard. He didn't struggle, which surprised me given the adrenaline that must have been running through him. They quickly cuffed him and lead him out of the courtroom, leaving me staring after him. I shook myself awake in time to see Carl loaded onto a stretcher. As he was being tied down, Kevin came to me. "Pete, are you okay, son?" Kevin held me by the shoulders, looking into my eyes. It took me a few seconds to gather my wits about me. "I'm fine. Where are they taking Brian?" "Pete, you have to be in the judges chambers in five minutes. Try to let this go for now. Danny will take care of him. You know he will. The sooner we can get you in and out of chambers, the sooner you two can get together and really talk!" I nodded reluctantly, still worried about Brian. My mother hadn't moved from her place in the middle of the aisle where Brian had confronted her. She was still pale, and had a slight look of fear on her face. When she me watching, her expression quickly changed to a neutral, somewhat contemptuous mask. I stared scowled at her until Kevin forced my eyes back to his. "Okay, I have to get you out of here. Come on." He physically turned me around and shoved me out of the courtroom and down the stairs toward the front doors. I pushed the doors open because Kevin gave me no choice. He would have driven me through them if I hadn't opened them. Once outside, the cold wind whipped around me, instantly removing any warmth I might have had. Kevin released me, walked over to the side of the entryway, and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. He was watching me intently, reading my face, which was an open book at that moment, I'm sure. The frigid wind and the rattle of the rain on the hard concrete helped me refocus my mind. Brian would be okay. He hadn't been hurt, he had just been protecting me. I jerked my head upright, staring at Kevin as a slow smile crossed my face. Brian DID care! At least enough to try to help me. Kevin responded with a half grin, half smirk. "You ready to go in now?" "No, but I have to get this over with. Please help Brian while I'm in with the judge. I was only defending me." "I know. There were plenty of witnesses to what happened, so don't worry. He'll be out by the time you are done. Danny might even play the 'Brother Cop' angle, but I doubt it'll come to that. Let's head back in. It's freezing out here." Throwing his arm around me, I allowed him to lead me back up the stairs and down the hall away from the courtroom. We passed several offices all with different names on them, and stopped outside of Judge Desparo's door. "Remember, just relax and answer her questions full and truthfully. Don't tell her what you think she wants to hear. Ignore Van and your mom's weasel in the back. They don't matter. You are what it important here. Got me?" "Yeah. I understand." "Good. Remember, no matter what happens, in here or back there," he hiked his thumb toward the courtroom, "You'll always have a place with us. Always." He gave me a quick squeeze on the shoulder, then turned me toward the door once more. I knocked softly. "Enter." I could hear Judge Desparo's voice through the door. I took a deep breath and released it before I opened the door. Crossing the threshold, I noticed only the wall behind the judge's desk was clear of bookshelves. Instead, there were two diplomas hung on either side of a window with open curtains. The corners behind the desk held a US flag on one side and an Oregon flag in the other. All of the furniture, including the shelves, was constructed of a darkly stained wood, oak or mahogany, I couldn't tell which. Every possible inch of space on the shelves was filled with a book of some kind. There were two chairs in the corners near the door, most likely for Van and "the weasel" as Kevin called him. The chair immediately in front of the desk was a high backed leather executive chair. I estimated the top of the back would be even with my head if I were to sit in it. The judge herself relaxed in a high backed leather chair, slightly taller than the one in front of me. She watched me as I came in, eyes searching my face. I tried to pretend indifference, but I knew she could tell I was nervous. Moving to the side of the chair in front of her desk, I stood there trying to bear her scrutiny as calmly as I could. She let me sweat for thirty seconds before she stood and circled me twice, looking me over like she might a painting or statue. At long last, she returned to her chair, her piercing gaze still boring into my eyes. Another thirty seconds passed before she broke into a warm smile. "Please sit down, Pete. I don't owe you an explanation, professionally, but personally I owe you one. You are petitioning for emancipation from your mother. In order for me to grant your petition, and I'm not saying I will or won't, I have to judge if you are capable of taking care of yourself. One way I use to help make that determination is the "Old Horse Auction" routine. You're lucky I didn't check your teeth." She laughed a bit, relaxing me slightly. I still couldn't tell if this was a hostile situation, or if she sympathized with me. I took my seat, poised on the edge of the chair. A knock at the door startled me, but Judge Desparo ignored it. She leaned forward, placing her elbows on the desk. "Pete, I have some questions to ask you, some of them will most likely be personal in nature, may even be extremely embarrassing. Opposing counsels will be here monitoring this discussion, as well as a stenographer. Do you feel comfortable with that?" I looked her straight in the eyes, and said with a confidence I almost felt, "I have nothing to hide. Why would I mind if they were here or not?" I might have imagined it, but I thought I saw her brows raise slightly at my response. "Very well, then." She raised her voice. "Come!" The door opened revealing Weasel and Van, followed by a woman carrying a stenograph. They quickly settled in, Van to my right and Weasel to my left, and the stenographer took her seat beside the judge's desk. "Ok. We are now in session. Mr. Vanderkamp, Mr. Maddux, do you have anything to add before we begin? Your previous objections have been noted, Mr. Maddux." "No, your Honor." "Nothing not already 'noted,'" he said with a slight hint of insolence. "I tell you now, Mr. Maddux, if you continue to use that tone, I'll slap you with contempt so fast your brain will take two days to catch up with your head. Do I make myself perfectly clear?" "Perfectly, madam." Weasel, or Mr. Maddux as I now knew, sat hard in his seat. I couldn't see him, but I was sure he was pouting. He was shuffling papers around behind me, but my attention was on the judge. She was visibly annoyed with him. Her eyes shifted quickly to my face, trying to catch my thoughts on this situation. If I hadn't been so intent on her, I'm sure I'd have cracked a grin, and who knew how she'd have taken that. Instead, she saw a look of concentration. "Well. I am glad that is settled, then. Mr. Jameson, I am going to ask you a series of questions. Answer them as truthfully and completely as you can. "My first question is this: Are you gay?" What did this have to do with whether or not I could take care of myself? Well, if she wanted answers, I was sure going to give them to her. "Yes, ma'am." "When did you realize you were gay?" "I was thirteen. I had gone out with a girl I knew, and she wanted to make out. I didn't respond." A snicker came from Mr. Maddux, and some mumbled words I didn't catch. I paid him no mind. But if he continued, it would be hard to ignore him. "When and to whom did you come out for the first time?" I took a deep breath and sat back into my chair. "I first came out to my friend Brian a day or two afterward. I was a wreck and not keeping it together too well. He found me in the hallway crying, and led me outside behind some bleachers for a bit of privacy. I told him there, and that I didn't want to be gay. But I didn't really have a choice." Another snort from the back row. "Did Brian reveal anything to you at that time?" "He told me he was gay, and that he loved me." "How old was he then?" "Twelve, close to thirteen." The judge paused here, looking over some papers before continuing. "Did you love him back?" "I loved him then, and I love him now." "But you only were together for four days after you came out to each other. How can you say you loved him?" My turn to pause and gather my thoughts. How could I explain this to her, so she would understand? "Brian and I have known each other since the middle of the fifth grade. We were best friends. We spent a lot of time together, so we knew each other pretty well, anyway. On the day I came out to him, I was lost. I had nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. He saw that I needed help, and gave it to me regardless of the consequences to himself. "Over the next four days, we learned more about each other than we had in the two years leading up to then. These days were very hard on both of us. We each had to deal with the realization we were gay, then we had to deal with my homophobic father, who would have most likely killed one of us if he had caught us. It was especially hard for me because my father died to me that day. My mother wasn't exactly accepting at that point either. Then we were forced into coming out to Brian's parents. "Through all of this, Brain was there to support me, to hold me. He was my anchor. It is very likely that I wouldn't be alive today if he hadn't been there with me. And I was there for him, too, when he cried. We helped each other. All of those events drew us closer together, so much so that I can say with certainty I love him." "Describe the events leading up to your arrival in this area." "The night of the fourth day, Brian came to me, to warn me, that my mother was trying to separate us physically. I didn't believe him; I couldn't believe that she would do that knowing how much he meant to me. We had a fight over it, and he left me to go to a friends, to give me time and space to think. "Five o'clock the next morning, mother woke me up by throwing my duffle on top of me. She told me to get showered and eat, that we had someplace to go. I took her at her word and did as she asked. An hour later we were in the car, driving away, leaving Brian on his knees screaming." Tears were running down my face the entire time I had been speaking about Brian, and how I loved him. The judge offered me some tissue. Maddux snorted, and said in disgust, "Oh come on. This is a complete fabrication. I don't even have to see his face to know he's lying! And he can't possibly know if he's gay if he hasn't-" "Mr. Maddux! I will not tolerate outbursts in my courtroom, and most certainly not in my chambers! You will remain silent for the rest of this proceeding, or you will be removed and fined. No more snorts or muttering. I will not warn you again." He had fallen silent as Ms. Desparo rebuked him. Again, I could not see his face, but hers was livid, glaring daggers into his heart. "Very well. Are you ready to continue, Pete?" I nodded and told her I was. "If you need a break, let me know, all right?" Again I nodded. "After you arrived in Portland, describe your mothers actions as they concern your care." "First off, she was always insisting that I wasn't gay, and that it was Brian's fault I was, like he had turned me gay or something. We lived at my grandparent's place until mother found us an apartment. Once we had moved in, she got obsessed about anything that made me appear gay, and she punished me for each instance for two years. She also blocked any means of communication I could use to talk to Brian, and I guess his parents must have cooperated, because I never heard back from him. "She also interfered by destroying any friendships I might have had, for fear they would turn into gay relationships. She couldn't chase Ray away, though. Ray is my foster brother. She went so far as to accuse me of, um, ah, having sex with him, with him present in the room at the time. A couple months after that, we got in a real loud fight. The police came and broke it up. She called me a fagot and accused me of, um, screwing anything that moved. I asked my grandparents to take me in and they agreed. Mother signed guardianship over to them. "Shortly after I moved out of the apartment, she moved her new boyfriend in. Carl is homophobic, just like my father. He used to yell at me when I would come over to the apartment at mom's demand. He hit me some, but nothing worse than bruises." Ms. Desparo interrupted, "He abused you? Why didn't you go to the police?" I sighed again. "I hate her, but she's still my mom, or was at that point." Shrugging, I said, "I guess I can't really give an answer to that." "That's okay, Pete. Please continue." "The Pattersons, my foster parents, took me on a trip to Oregon. When we returned, I discovered that my grandparents had died in an accident. Immediately after discovering the news, Mr. Vanderkamp and Kevin Patterson initiated this motion on my request. The Pattersons also took me in temporarily until I could find more permanent living arrangements. "At the funeral, she outright told me it was my fault that my grandparents were dead. She also told me she wished I wasn't born. Mr. Vanderkamp took the opportunity to inform Carl and mother about the temporary custody and restraining orders. In response, she said, 'Good. I don't want to have anything to do with him. As far as I'm concerned, I have no son.' I remember that clearly. Carl also threatened to kill me at that time. "The only reason she might contest this that I can think of is my inheritance. She was disinherited. It certainly isn't out of her love or concern for me." I shrugged. The judge took a few minutes to make some notes. The room fell silent except for the scratching of her pencil and the rumble of the ventilation. I closed my eyes as I waited for her, resting them more than anything. She finished taking her notes, and asked the next question. "Pete, why do you want to be freed from your mothers care?" I blinked. I thought I had explained that already, but I'd explain it again if I had to. "The primary reason is that I am not safe around her and Carl. They are both homophobes in the extreme, and I can't pretend to be something I'm not. Because of that, I believe that they wouldn't have my best interests at heart. Another reason is this. I have found people that love me for who I am. Mom and Carl don't love me, and never will. They are abusive and cruel. I won't subject myself to that kind of environment again." She raised an eyebrow at my determination. "Last question. Why should I emancipate you, and not put you in a permanent foster care situation until you are eighteen?" "That is a tough question. I have given it a lot of thought. The first thing that comes to mind is I can support myself through school and college, and I am going through college. I am mature enough to handle all the responsibilities that go along with it." My eyes locked with hers as I continued. "The other reason has nothing to do with logic, but of the heart. If you place me in a foster care situation, then I lose the chance to be with Brian. I do love him. I want to be with him. I don't know if you can understand that. He lives in California, and I'll live here. We've been separated too long already. I had to tell you my real motivations. I won't lie. This is too important." I held her gaze for several seconds, trying to bare my soul to her, so she could see I was sincere. My eyes started watering with the strain, forcing me to blink and wipe the tears away. "Thank you, Pete. You may go for now. I may have some more questions later, so don't wander far. Let's take a fifteen minute recess, then I'll meet with counsel for additional arguments." With that, she stood, and I made my exit. Van followed me out, as did Maddux. We waited for the weasel to walk down the hall a bit before I spoke. "How did it go?" "You were terrific! You came across as mature, well spoken, and thoughtful. I could see your face reflected in one of the picture frames. You did absolutely great! You've definitely given weasel-boy something to think about. He'll have to work hard to get out of the hole he's in now." "I couldn't believe how he angered the judge, Van. Is that normal?" "Hmph. For him it is. He can intimidate most judges, but not Desparo. She is a tough one. He's lucky he's not in a cell right now." Kevin was approaching us, a concerned look on his face. "Well?" "He did fine. Better than that even. The judge wants him to stick around, but I think you have some time if you want to go get some coffee." "We'll do that. Do you want anything?" "No, I have my thermos. Why don't you take the youngster down stairs and relax a bit." I grinned at Van. He could call me all sorts of pet names and get away with it. "Okay, we'll be in the cafeteria then." Kevin put his arm around my shoulder and we walked down to the café. There weren't many people there, everyone still in court or working elsewhere. "Get a table. You want a mocha?" "Sure, and a bagel." "OK, you bottomless pit, you." The corner table was vacant, so I sat, idly reading part of the morning paper that had been left by a previous patron. I didn't comprehend anything I read, though, instead thinking about Brian. Kevin returned to the table, depositing my bagel and mocha in front of me. He sat next to me, instead of across as he normally did and leaned closer to speak to me. "I can tell you're still thinking about Brian. He'll be out around noon, when the judge wants to speak to him. After that, we'll see if she wants to see you again. If not, we'll head home and wait for Danny to call." "Kevin, I'm scared. Something is wrong. I'm not sure he still loves me." A frightening admission. I didn't want to even consider the possibility, but there it was staring me in the face. "Pete, son, this is a stressful situation for everyone. Wait until you two can actually talk before you let your mind run wild. You need facts, not guesses." "He wouldn't meet my eyes!" "So? Maybe he's afraid of the same things you are. Maybe he's afraid to find you don't love him. Maybe he feels he's not worth your love, or that he cheated on you. You don't know, do you? You'll just have to wait, and try not to dwell on it until then." "What do you mean he cheated?" "Nothing! I have no idea what he thinks or what he's done! I do know he still cares for you. Love? You'll have to find out for yourself." "You're a lot of help." "I try to be, but this is your relationship with Brian, the boy you've been in love with since I met you. I'm not going to interfere. I can't help you with this one." I sighed heavily, staring into my mocha, bagel all but forgotten. He was right. It was the anticipation driving me crazy, letting my mind loose on all the possible outcomes instead of concentrating on the outcome I desired. Shaking myself mentally, I devoured the bagel in nothing flat, leaving Kevin staring in awe. "It never ceases to amaze me how fast you can put food down." I looked at him with an innocent, questioning face. Still chewing the last bite, I said, "What?" He giggled, and I hastily swallowed before I lost it. Of course, the bagel decided to go down the wrong way, causing me to cough hard. Now laughing, Kevin reached over to pat my back as I took a drink to wash down the bagel. The rest of the day drug on and on. I didn't see Brian at all. About four, Van found us in the café, relaxing with a soda. He gave us a disgusted look as he loomed over us. "Exactly what are you doing to earn your pay today, Patterson?" "Exactly what I damn well please!" Another ritual greeting. They were always full of surprises, these two. "How are we doing?" "I think we are this close," he held his fingers about a half inch apart, "to getting a summary judgment. Maddux really screwed up when Brian was in there. He made a comment that was loud enough for Brian to hear. Brian stood up, turned and faced him, and let the guy have it. He was calm and collected, very professional, if I can use that term. Desparo could have stopped Brian at any time, but I think she was weighing him. Oh man, Maddux was fit to be tied. He was so hot he blew his lid at Brian, using every four letter word in the book, including some anti-gay terms. Desparo just let him shoot off at the mouth. When he wound down, Brian gave him the most critical, appraising look I've ever seen, and simply told him, 'I don't think you're worth my attention anymore,' then turned his back on Weasel-boy and sat down again. Of course the judge fined Maddux five hundred dollars for contempt. But even if we don't get the summary, Brian did so well I don't think we'll have a problem." Smiling, I said, "That sounds like what he'd do. I can't remember one time when he panicked." "He certainly is an unusual young man. But, you are, too. I think you two make a wonderful couple." My fears returned to me. "When can I see him?" "Well, I came down to tell you that the judge may make her decision on Wednesday morning. That's unusually quick in these cases. It all depends on if she wants more interview time. We are done here until then. Let's get you two home." We all stood and walked out to the entryway, waiting a short while for the car to arrive. Once inside, I leaned back and closed my eyes, resting them, and thought about what my first words to Brian would be. As we drove to the office, I drifted off to sleep, seeing his face, and imagining a smile. When we arrived, Kevin woke me long enough to get me in the car for the drive home. I slept the whole way, waking just as we pulled into the driveway. The rain had let up a bit, only showering now. We made our way to the front door, and it opened before us. Everyone was in the family room waiting to hear the news from court. Kevin shrugged, and said, "We may know Wednesday." "That soon?" Sharon was visibly surprised. "That's either very good for us, or very bad for us." Kevin nodded. "Dinner's on the table. Let's eat. We'll have company in an hour or so." Ray bolted for the table as always, with Joanne not far behind. The rest of us made our way into the kitchen at a more leisurely pace, and took our places. I'm pretty sure I spent more time telling them about my interview with Judge Desparo than I did eating. They wanted to know all the details of the questions, and my answers. Some I sidestepped for Joanne's sake, but I did my best to tell them everything. The doorbell rang. Silence fell. Five pairs of eyes focused on me. Uncomfortably, I wiped my mouth with a napkin, backed out my chair, and went to the front door. I looked through the peep hole, trying to catch a glimpse of Brian before opening the door. Brian had his eyes down, and a sad expression. Did I see a tear drop? Danny had an arm around him, comforting him. He rang the doorbell again. I glanced toward the kitchen where Sharon stood watching me. "It's okay hon. Just open the door and let them in." "I'm afraid. What if he doesn't love me?" "You have to open the door to find out, Pete." I took a deep breath, relaxing my shoulders as I did, and let it out slowly. Gathering my courage, I opened the door. Danny pulled me out of the doorway and into a huge hug, squeezing my breath away. I returned his embrace, but my gaze rest on Brian. He hadn't lifted his eyes yet, just standing there shuffling his feet like an errant seven year old. Danny released me and stepped into the house, shutting the door behind him, leaving us alone. All of those witty phrases I had dreamt up left me in that instant. Finally, the boy I loved more than anything was here, in front of me, waiting for me, and I hoped, still loving me. He was within arms reach, but I couldn't bring myself to touch him, so miserable was his demeanor. Tears were forming in my eyes as I beheld his pitiful form. We both stood there in agony, neither of us brave enough to make the first effort, to reach out to the other. He was crying now, tears falling down his cheeks to the ground in a steady stream. His shoulders were shaking slightly as he fought back the sobs, trying to keep his emotions under control, but he was losing the battle. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he met my gaze, at last. I looked deep into his beautiful green eyes, now gray with his distress. What I saw in those eyes seared me to my soul. He was afraid of me. Not because I might physically beat him, but rather that I could crush him with one word because he was so vulnerable emotionally. I knew that this was the worst possible position for him to be in. But there was more in his eyes. I saw deep, heart wrenching sadness, that cut all the way to the center of his being. He hid it well from everyone else, but I could see it clearly. He never had been able to hide his pain from me. He was also ashamed of something, what I couldn't tell, but shame was there, mixed with the agony he was feeling. Seeing him in such pain, I began to cry, too. Burning beneath his fear, sadness, and shame, was rage. Controlled rage, blazing like a dying star, waiting to explode. What could have happened for him to carry so much fury in his heart? Still we pierced each others souls, searching the depths for those little boys who had been best friends, who had held each other through the worst moments of their young lives, who fell in love behind the bleachers on a warm summer day. Brian's eyes were so expressive. They told me so much about him and what he was feeling. It took only a few seconds to realize that by waiting, by not reaching out, I was destroying him a bit at a time. He needed me, and I needed him just as much, but I was doing nothing to bring us together for the release and relief we both craved so much. Brian's face changed to a pleading expression, on the verge of losing control all together, speaking silent words, unable to find his voice. Tears ran unabated from his reddened eyes as he waited for me to destroy him. Finally, I found the strength to raise my arms, and open them to him. "Brian..." He rushed into my arms, burying his face in my shoulder, at long last releasing all the pain and suffering he had held in since we were ripped apart, grieving for the time that we had been denied. We stood together crying, holding each other, supporting each other, soaking in the feel of each other. I had forgotten what it was like to feel his body next to mine, the feel of his skin, his smell. How could I have not remembered these things? I couldn't hold my emotions in check any longer. Dropping my head to his shoulder, I let them go, releasing all the frustration, pain, anger, and sorrow I had felt since he was taken away from me. Right at that moment, everything in the universe ceased to exist as we shared our bittersweet reunion. Darkness fell around us, yet we didn't notice. We just stood there in the chill evening air, clinging to each other. Sometime in the eternity of our embrace, we slid to the ground. Brian curled up into a ball still crying hard. I pulled him against me even harder, holding him like a baby, telling him through my own endless tears that we were together, and nothing would ever come between us again. How long we sat there, him in my arms, I can't tell you. Brian and I slowly calmed enough to talk a little bit, but the spasms still came. "After your mom took you away, after I lost sight of you, I collapsed in the driveway. I don't remember anything that happened, only what I was told." He paused as another series of spasms took him, then he continued, his eyes watering again. "My parents betrayed me! They knew you were being taken away and didn't tell me!" His face made it plain he was on the verge of breaking down again, contorted into a mask of anguish, and his voice cracked. "I didn't even get a..." Sob, "chance to say," another sob, "say goodbye!" Again he buried his head into my chest, crying uncontrollably. I, too, was crying, because my love was in pain. We were reliving the shared pain of that day, the horrible gut wrenching hopelessness and despair. Neither of us could say a single word as we released our pent up emotions. Brian had twisted in my grasp so he could wrap his arms around me, squeezing hard enough to cause pain, but I didn't care. All I felt was Brian holding me at long last. Some long time later, the world made itself known to us. A light rain had settled in over the land, and it was decidedly cold . Although we had finally stopped crying, the paroxysms still came occasionally. Still holding him as an infant, I idly stroked his face and hair, looking deeply into his eyes. In spite of the pain we both had released, there was much more still hidden deep inside. His green eyes gazed back, searching my soul as I searched his. He was so beautiful lying in my arms, with his trusting face and sad eyes. Just looking into those pools of sorrow made me want to cry again. "Brian, we've been apart for so long, and I missed you so much! Now having you here seems like a dream, and I'm afraid I'm going to wake up. Whether or not this is a dream, I have to tell you that nothing that has happened, from the day we were separated up until this very moment, has changed the way I feel about you. Nothing has changed that. Nothing! I loved you, and I love you now more than anything." Lowering my head, I gently out my lips on his and kissed. It was sweet, tender, and everything I'd hoped it would be. Brian responded just as gently, closing his eyes, losing himself to me. Again, time seemed to slip away. Reluctantly I pulled away. As I did, he opened his eyes, and in them I saw the love he had for me, just as strong as I had ever seen it. There was a light in his eyes too, but suddenly that light dimmed and died once more. In its place was fear and shame. "Brian, what's wrong?" He sniffed and dropped his gaze, resting his head on my shoulder. His eyes came back to mine, searching once more, but they now held a haunted look. I felt him trembling, his expression changing from fear to pleading. "Please, Pete, don't make me answer that right now. Just hold me, okay? I need you to hold me. I need to know you love me. I need you..." His words drifted off into quiet weeping, and, eventually, he drifted off to sleep. The temperature was dropping quickly, but we kept each other warm. I held him close to me as he slept, watching his face relax, erasing all the stress and tension. He was so perfect. I loved him more than I thought I could ever love another person. I stroked his hair and face as he slept, memorizing his features once more, as I had when we first met. A short while after Brian drifted off, the front door opened, revealing Danny and Kevin. They stepped outside and shut the door. Each took a seat on the porch facing us. I shushed them as Kevin started to say something. He nodded and spread a blanket out around me and Brian. Danny said in a whisper, "I am going to head back to the motel. Brian will be staying?" I nodded slightly, afraid of waking my love. "All right then. I'll go get his things out of the car." Before he could rise, I said, "Danny? Why is Brian ashamed of himself? Why is he afraid I won't love him?" He sighed. Kevin motioned for the keys to the car with a smile. Danny fished them out and handed them over. "Pete, Brian probably wouldn't tell you this, and he may not realize it either. He feels bad that he didn't keep the faith in you that you kept in him." A chill went down my spine. "What do you mean?" Brian stirred, and then settled. I had spoken louder than I intended to. Danny made a placating gesture. "Pete, one thing you might not remember is that he didn't hear from you - at all - up until he was summoned. He didn't know if you were alive, dead, had moved on, anything. Before you get the idea he went looking around for another boyfriend, he didn't. Instead he did everything he could to destroy his body. Weights, running, football, wrestling, track, anything at all. He dedicated himself to anything that didn't involve his family. He was very close to going to the hospital several times because he was pushing himself too hard. Do you know he's held very close to a four-point since you left?" "Why did he do all that? He shouldn't have hurt himself like that just because I was taken away." "He did it because he couldn't handle the pain of being separated from you. He buried it in his heart, and never let it out. To distract himself, he caused himself pain, because then the pain he felt from your loss wouldn't seem so bad. He really, really took it hard, Brian." Kevin walked into the house with Brian's things and shut the door again. "He's ashamed that he couldn't handle the separation as well as I did?" "I think that's part of it. There is probably more to it. He really needs you." "I need him too. I love him so much. How can I help him?" "You still know him better than I do, Pete. You have good instincts." Brian awoke to hear us talking in hushed tones. He sat upright, looking around frantically, trying to determine where he was. His eyes fell on me, and he melted. "I was so afraid it was a dream." He lay back against me, his head once more on my shoulder. "Brian, let's get you guys inside. It's almost one o'clock. You guys need to get into bed." "I don't want to go. I want to stay here." His eyes were begging Danny to tell him he could remain with me. "You're staying here. I just want you two upstairs in bed. That's all." "You mean it? I can stay?" "Of course. This is why we came, isn't it?" Danny smiled at us and helped Brian up off of me. I hadn't moved in quite a while and was alarmed at how stiff I was. Brian helped me up and pulled me into a hug, and then stepped back slightly, meeting my eyes with his. "Do you still love me?" I didn't answer, instead wrapping him in a warm embrace. I held him tightly for a moment, then whispered in his ear, "Nothing has changed that. I love you more now than ever." I felt him relax a bit as I held him. Danny cleared his throat. I released Brian, and grabbing his hand as I did, led him inside and up to my room, shutting the door behind us. We were both exhausted. As soon as I had stripped down to my shorts, I rolled into bed, making sure to leave room for Brian as I did. He hesitated a moment, then removed the last items of clothing he wore, stripping to his shorts as I did. He lay next to me, and I immediately rolled so I had an arm over his tight stomach, my head on his chest. "Pete," he started, "Pete, I..." He sighed heavily. "I need to tell you something." I raised my head and looked into his gorgeous green eyes, waiting for him to continue. "I didn't keep faith in you. I almost let you go." He started to cry again, tears running down his cheeks. "I just couldn't do it. It hurt so much..." I raised my fingers to rest on his lips, stopping him in mid-word. "Hush. It doesn't matter anymore, Bri. It's over. We are together now. What happened before has no effect on what will happen now. I LOVE YOU. I pray that you love me." "I do love you," he managed around my fingers, "but I don't deserve..." "You do deserve my love, because I want yours. You are mine, and I am yours. We belong together and always have. We deserve each other. Whatever it is you fear will chase me away, you don't have to be scared anymore. I'm not leaving you." "But," "Shhhh." I brushed his hair out of his eyes and smiled. "But nothing. You and I are together. Forever, if you'll have me. I certainly want you with me forever." He smiled down on me, his eyes shimmering with tears, not of sadness, but of joy. "Forever. I love you so much, Pete." "And I love you, Bri. More than anything." With a contented sigh, he rolled to his side, back toward me. I cuddled up to him, spooning him, and held him to me. He was asleep quickly. A sound I had waited to hear for almost three years lulled me to sleep: his strong, even heartbeat. ----------------------- Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted. Please e-mail me at dewey2k@yahoo.com. Flames will be deleted. ----------------------- I'd like to invite you to join a list that will notify you of new chapters being released for "Pete". To subscribe, you can write to: dewey2k-subscribe@listbot.com You can also subscribe to the list by visiting its ListBot page: http://dewey2k.listbot.com After you send or fill out a join request you will be sent a verification request, to which you will have to reply in order to complete the join process.