I just felt like such an asshole, coming out to my dad. It's like you can't win: "Dad, I'm not who you thought I was. The reason I've been such an asshole is I have a secret 'cause I don't really trust you. I know you love me and care about me and I need you, so I've been lying to you and now I hurt so bad that I'm telling you this and hurting you because I need you to comfort me. So I'm hurting you."

Well, anyway, I threw up for him. Way to go, Luke.

Dad was really fucking decent. I felt terrible for ever doubting him. How he would be. I felt joy and release and fear and relief and sadness and... and gratitude and admiration for him. Especially the way he really seemed to know what a beating my opinion of myself had taken. How he spent time with me, doing the things we had always done together and the things that I'm good at and reminding me that every day I get stronger and faster and smarter. And making me know that he's proud of me. And writing this makes me cry. I love him so much.

He asked me about when I realized and stuff, and I told him about Loren and me and how I had this terrible emptiness and longing for him.

He was very kind and gentle with me about that. I forgive him for keeping the move a secret until it was for sure. I forgive him for keeping it a secret until the end of school was in sight and I began to push hard for a visit back to see Loren.

What I don't forgive is that shrink outing Loren to his mom. That sucked ass. I guess L's mom didn't say a word to Loren. But I guess my dad called her and stuff and it's cool with her and shit. I feel a little weird about them all thinking about their boys sucking each other. But then, sawing your boner in and out of your wife's hole is kind of ridiculous, for that matter, and they write songs about it, so I guess everybody knows how everybody gets their rocks off, anyway. Maybe I'll get more used to it, as I get older.

So anyway, by the time they told me we were moving back, it was only a week or two away and I decided to surprise him. Well, kind of. Actually, I was pretty scared he would have moved on to bigger and fishier things, if you know what I mean. I mean, maybe I'll develop a taste for surf and turf, someday, who knows? But mostly I was afraid of Loren telling me it was just kid stuff or he found Jesus or some shit. So I was more scared than trying to surprise him, really.

Anyway...

So, when Loren answered the door... there was this... rightness. That's it, a Rightness to the world: this is exactly what a boy should look like, what I should feel for him, how he should sound. How he should smell. Everything except this new kind of shakiness to him. I'm not explaining it all that well, but... See, I'm used to knowing this Super Kid, Loren. Always confident, always poised and cool. Always ahead of everybody.

This new Loren looked kind of hungry and shaken and... needy. When I touched him, I could feel it, honest: almost an electrical drain. Something flowing to him, something filling him, fixing him. Something from me. Something "filling his tank." He -- this is weird, sorry -- he almost sort of filled out as I watched, as I touched him. And by the time we were kissing, he was the beautiful, solid BOY that I had spilled so many lonely spermatozoa over. All of 'em swimming, swimming, thrashing their tiny tails, earnestly trying to find Loren for me. Trying to complete us all.

Aww, isn't that sweet? Tiny homing tadpoles of love! Christ, if Loren reads this... Gakk!

Well anyway, I'd had plenty of time to sharpen the focus of my appetites. No question: Homo Sexual. Yup. I'd just spent however many months crying myself to sleep with the longing for Loren. But it wasn't for just... like... some sorta fuzzy being with him. I wanted his tight body, his luminous boy skin. I wanted the beautiful, tiny folds of his tender, perfect nuts.

(Pink perfect nuts.)

I wanted just what I got: a face full of his soft, clean balls and my hand bunching the skin of his penis up by the head, where I had to force it away with my lips, caressing the tender, full tautness of him, as he trembled. I got his jerky eagerness and the power of my own arousal taking over completely, just rising up and filling me with this huge blind NEED. Taking all doubt. Taking all hesitation. Taking all thought

Taking my penis, my screaming, yearning penis, point man for the driving need in my balls. Taking the heart of my joy deep between his cherry lips. Smashing me right into this hot, hot joywall. Soul numbing sexual joy stinging me like sweet wasps. So-Painfully-Sweet! Forgetfulness, for a moment, in the blaze. In the arms of my lover. Loren.

It was almost scary: I could get addicted to that, like... years ago!

Loren looked calm and joyful when we were done. Just a little drained.

Well... very!