Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2016 14:47:33 +1300 From: ben zeb Subject: Math Class Changes 1 I like to write. I always have since I understood that words could paint pictures in your head. And so I have. I have written this for myself, in an attempt to try to make sense of what I was experiencing and how I felt about myself. It's my metaphoric climb to the top of the mountain, raising my middle finger and shouting at the universe, "GET FUCKED!" It is my way of giving it to the universe for causing such confusion and anguish I've experienced, over the last six years or so. Call me childish or self-indulgent, but it's my way of making sense of what's happened to me to. Why this forum you may ask? Well, I tried a number of chat sites and `teen forums' asking questions and explaining how I was feeling. I got mixed results. Some holy rollers told me all I had to do was pray and I'd be cured. Cured of what? Being human! I got propositioned and asked to send photos of me, of my mates, to cam, to Skype. No, no, no and no! Like that's never gunna happen. I'm not looking for a hook-up. I was looking for answers. I was accused of being some old fart lurking in the chat rooms to seduce young kids because kids don't write like me. How could a kid write like this I was asked? Well, I can. I've been accused of being a bullshiter cause no boys do what my friends and I get up to. Well, believe it or not, we did! Whether you believe it is up to you. I know the truth and that's all that matters. This, all of this, is precisely because we did! I have to make sense of it all and telling it made it easier for me to do so. I can't explain why. It just did! I never expected to get any feed back. Wow! Thank you all, especially those of you who emailed me several times. I would like to name you, but want to protect your privacy. You know who you are. Thank you. Your comments, advice and suggestions, helped immensely. Thank you for taking the time to write. I may sound like a whiny little shit at times. I know there are many out there who have suffered much worse than me. Please know I feel for you. My brush, so far, with homophobia and gay bashing is pretty much insignificant to the violence perpetrated on others. As we say here, Kia Kaha! Stand strong! This is a speech about standing tall and facing up to life I think pretty much says it all. This guy is inspirational! http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/education/73821668/Christchurch-Boys-High-School-head-boys-speech-goes-around-the-world Thanks for reading and if you are able, please support Nifty. Changes On Monday 12 October all my friends went back to school, looking forward to the end of year, holidays, Christmas and most of all, summer. On the same day, I began physio. I wish I could say it was straightforward. It wasn't. My shoulder injury complicated using crutches. The knee to ankle plaster prevented me from swimming therapy. And I wasn't able to put any weight on my left hip. But at least I was able to get up, with help! Hallelujah! No more bedpans! I even got to watch some of the world cup rugby games! I had visits from my friends, Keith and Greg, and my Uncle Jim from Wellington. Mum was a regular. After four weeks of intensive physio, God knows how many scans, prods, pokes and examinations, I went home! Friday 6th November, I arrived with mum, to Keith and his family, Jess, Devon and Darryl. Yeha! Back with my family, a slap-up dinner followed by fireworks to celebrate a late Guy Fawkes, yeah nothing better! Not that I could light many, but I didn't care. I was happy to watch and just be with the people I loved and who loved me. The next few months were hectic and things changed for me completely. I was getting round OK using my sticks, but I still had to take care. Stairs were a problem, so I was back downstairs for a while. I also had some difficulties showering. I could manage, but it was so much better if I had help. Keith came to my aid many times! He'd support and wash me, while I boned up and gently rubbed against him. Inevitably, we would both have a very happy ending. I continued having physio on shoulder and hip, sometimes at home but mostly in town. Though I was healing well, I had been advised I would likely be on crutches for about 12 to 16 weeks. That meant I'd be hobbling around probably right up to February. That freaked me. Happily the leg cast came off just before leaving hospital, so I could go back swimming, something I've always enjoyed. That part of physio was enjoyable. My scars stood out quite red and raw looking, all down my lefts side. I think it freaked a few kids out, so wore a rash shirt, mainly to stop the curiosity my scars seemed to generate. I was also doing light workouts in the gym, cycling and on the rowing machine. All of it really helped with my recovery. One concern I'd had back in hospital was how I would be able to complete my year. That was solved the day the deputy principal visited shortly after coming home. We talked. I told him I was unlikely to continue after the end of year and asked how I could get my NCEA 2. He advised me I could complete some assignments to help gain more credits, but due to my accident I'd be eligible for an aegrotat pass. It was important for me to gain as many credits for maths, English and science as I could, so asked him if I could sit externals for those. That was agreed. Then he raised the subject of my return to school. He advised me that I would have to do restorative justice. I flatly refused telling him there was no way I would sit down and say sorry to the knuckle dragging shit head who had given me the bash because he thought I was gay! My message was sound, the delivery not! Mum and I were called to an extra ordinary board meeting the next week. Perhaps rocking up with a lawyer friend of mum's who specialised in family law was a bit confronting for them. Despite the best efforts from the three of us, the board would not budge on the criteria they had imposed. While they agreed to let me return to complete externals, I could not come back permanently until I did the justice thing. That was it. I had to look for a new school and that decision boosted my resolve to go to Wellington, forcing mum and I to start making plans. When my Uncle Jim visited me in hospital I asked him if it was possible to come down and complete year 13 there. I never told him the true reasons, only that I wanted to extend my opportunities. He wasn't convinced but said he would think about it. I never told mum what I'd asked. So after our extraordinary meeting, I knew it was time to come clean. Mum was displeased to say the least about going behind her back. I kept my cool as she amped up at me. I needed this, so was not about to shit in my nest before it was made! When she calmed down, I opened up and told her everything. When I say everything, I meant all of it. I started off, "Mum, I'm gay," and held my breath. She looked at me and said, "Yes, I know. What's that got to do with any of this?" Meaning me going south. I didn't know what to say after that. Not quite the response I expected. Mum took the initiative. "Look Honey, I've know that for years. I was letting you find the time to tell me." "Aren't you disappointed or pissed off or something?" I quizzed. "Why? Being gay isn't a fault. It's just the way you are. I've told you many times that I love you no matter what. You're my boy and that's all that matters. You need to have a better reason than that if you want to go south, or else you don't go!" Like a flood gate opening, I let it all out; about Jess and I, Sonny and the games he and Joel played, about how I felt I'd experienced too much too soon. The fear I felt at being outed and the backlash I believed would fall on my friends if I stayed, the bashings I got, Emma's visit and how she wanted to have sex with me, how I was scared about it. It poured out. There were tears, shock, and anger, even some humour. The sense of relief I felt when I'd told all, was immense. Like a huge load had been dumped from my shoulders. Naturally I never gave her the graphic details. I explained how much Keith meant to me and how I really believed that if I stayed, I would hinder him from being his true self; what he said to me in hospital about feeling normal and how that challenged what I felt about my self-worth. Finally I told mum about Keith's angry remark that I was trying to take his dad off him. That led to a deep and meaningful discussion about the two of us ending with, "How will Keith take this? He may not want you to leave. God knows it'll be hard on me, but it'll be worse for him. What about Greg? You and him have a wonderful relationship and I know he will be disappointed if you go. And as for taking Keith off him, it'll never happen! Keith is his heart and soul. God help the person who even thinks of hurting his boy. He thinks the same about you. You asked a long time ago were you twins. You may as well be for the way you two have bonded and how you're both loved by Greg. And Debbie and little Sarah for that matter too. Have you thought of them in your plan?" "Yeah mum. I have. Every fucken night for the last two months and more..." "Watch that language Zeb!" "Yes mum." I muttered and carrying on added, "I don't really want to go, but I have to. It's the only way I can see how Keith can find out what he wants without me getting in the way. Anyway, it's what, an hour by plane, about seven by road. I'll come home every holiday and long weekend. I've got Skype so I'll still be in contact. If it all turns pear shaped, I can come home and maybe go to plains." "You've thought this all out, haven't you Zeb?" "I've had plenty of time to lately" I replied. "What about costs? It's going to cost a lot if you think you'll be flying back and forwards. And board, that won't be cheap even at Jim's. Then there are his boys to consider. Have you thought about how they might feel about you living with them?" Nope! Hadn't given that a single thought. Fuck! That might be a prob, I'm thinking. Even more of an obstacle would be convincing Keith and Greg it was a reasonable idea. All through my confessional, mum was attentive and so, so supportive, never criticising or condemning any of my behaviour or actions. Even if I'd told her about our wild threesomes with Jess and Darryl, I don't think it would've shocked her. But of course I didn't. Some things mum's don't need to know. I couldn't understand how, after knowing what I'd been up to, she was still being fair-minded and accepting. I asked her about it. "Zeb, you are more like your dad than you realise. I knew about him and his friends. He told me. But we loved each other absolutely and totally and my love for him grew more each day. And he was devoted to me. John knew this. He did what you want to do. But please Zeb. You must never loose contact with your friends, no matter what happens. Do you understand?" "Yeah mum, I do." "Good, because when John left, a little bit of Greg left to. It's come back thanks to you. You did a tremendous thing when you contacted John. I've seen the same thing in you and Keith these last few months. You two are forever linked. It may not turn out the way you think, but one thing both of you must do, is protect your friendship. Never loose each other." That was it. Things moved pretty fast after that. Mum agreed provided Uncle Jim did. Many phone calls later, I applied to a high school near where he lived and as he was in the school zone, I would too. I was able to enrol. I didn't get the curriculum options I wanted, but enough to get me what I pretty much needed for a useful level 3. All I had to do was get down there by January 26. Keith knew nothing of this yet. Now I had to convince him it was a good idea! Trough November and into December, Darryl visited regularly. I enjoyed seeing him as he would tell me all the goss and chatter away, like he always did. One day, in my bedroom, shortly after coming home he said, "You seem quiet Zeb. Is everything all right? I'm not talking too much am I?" "Never Darryl. I like listening to you. I'm good." Darryl goes on telling me all about what he's doing at school, his ideas for the next year and anything else that popped into his head as it does with him. Then he floors me. "Keith's lucky to have you for a friend. Hope he knows that Zeb." I give a WTF look and tell him, "Yeah, he does. But I'm lucky to have him too. It's a two-way thing. Anyway Darryl, you have friends who think you're a great guy too. You always have done." "Yeah, well, he hasn't treated you to well. Emma told me he said he thought you were gay. I think she put it around." Trying not to show my annoyance I just said, "Well I am gay." "Yeah but Keith didn't need to put ideas into anyone's head though, did he." "Look Darryl, Keith and I were going through a bad patch back then. Emma showed a bitchy side I've never seen before. She might be trying to stir you up too. Had you thought of that? Anyway, it doesn't matter any more, does it?' "Devon told me the same thing, Zeb." "Look, Darryl!" I say showing my anger, "Leave it! I love you bud, but I'm not gunna talk to you about what Keith might or might not have said. Emma began all this shit so leave the blame there. Anyway, why are you so bothered by this?" He hung his head and looked embarrassed. "Do you want me to go? I will if you like." "No you big goon, I don't. I love it when you come. You're fun." He was silent for a while then mumbled, "I want to be more than fun Zeb." Oh fuck. Despite being the same age, Darryl really was an innocent. I knew what he meant, but bad-mouthing Keith or trying to drop him in it with me, was not the way to get it. I told him so, but gently. The last thing I wanted was to upset someone I really liked. Someone, in a different situation, I would've probably had a relationship with. How to let him down gently? Still, what he told me, weighed heavy on my mind. "Come here you big goof." And pulled him down onto the bed with me. "I never meant fun like a sex toy, but fun to be with. I want to see you. Every thing we've got up to has been great! Really. You're a really sexy guy. I love Keith, but if things did go pear shaped with him, well I might come looking for you. But even then, that wouldn't be fair. I'd hate it if you thought you were second best. You're my mate and a sexy friend. I love it when you come." "I love it too. Can I come now?" "You shit!" I laughed. I thought about that for about a couple of nano seconds, and then put my arm around him. One thing led to another and, well, it was all on. Perhaps it was my hand that seemed to make it's own way under his shirt and caress his tum and chest, teasing his nipples. Perhaps it was his soft mouth and wet tongue nuzzling and licking my neck and ears. Perhaps it was the way my lips found their way to his. Perhaps it was the urgent way his hand pushed into my shorts, his fingers grasping my rising tool. But it wasn't very long before our clothes were off, door shut and we were into each other big time. Did I feel guilty? Not really. In the short parsecs it took to consider Darryl's suggestion, I weighed up sex with him, versus Keith and Jess's sex romp the day my bike got trashed. How did I know that? I didn't. I just guessed. Hopefully I was right! I justified what I was doing by convincing myself that as I was going away, why not get in as much sex as I could. It was great feeling how hot and hard Darryl's thin spike was. And his soft foreskin was an extra delight. We mutually stroked and played with each other and then sixty-nined. He was fantastic, just as I remembered, tasty and clean and a little musky. We didn't last long and made a sticky mess of each other's mouth and throat. After a quick clean up in the bathroom and a Milo in the kitchen, Darryl left. I was left to consider what to make of his revelation. Should I care? I decided to leave it alone. What did it matter now? It was up to Keith to do what ever he decided he had to. Going back to school for exams, was strange. I felt like an outsider. I was a five-minute wonder when I arrived that first day on sticks. After the initial curiosity and questions, I became run of the mill. Suited me! I heard a few slag remarks thrown my way, but the monkeys and dipshits who had abused me kept away, or shut their mouths. I heard later that there had been a clean out and an investigation, as my complaint was just one of about twenty! Keith stayed with me regularly over those months. There were many times I could've discussed my decision to leave, but I left it. One reason was that we were busy prepping for externals. The main reason was, I didn't know how to tell him. When he stayed, he would be extremely attentive to my needs whether I needed help or not. So much so, that it became embarrassing. Anything he felt I needed, any help I might need, he'd be there. He couldn't do enough. In the end I had to say something. Lying in bed one night after externals, in our favoured position, I asked him did he still feel bad about my accident. It was a stupid way of asking, but I didn't want to say `guilty'. He raised his head and asked, "What kind of a dumb-arse question is that? Of course I feel bad about it! Why wouldn't I?" "That came out wrong. Listen bud, you don't have to do everything for me all the time." "But I might want to." Yeah, but..." "But what, Zebby. What are you trying to say?" "Shit Keith. Look, I don't blame you for a thing. I'm not angry with you. You do know that eh?" "Yeah, I guess. Why do you ask?" "Just some things you said in the hospital, is all." "Oh that. Yeah well, if we hadn't argued, if you'd got my txts, maybe none of this would've happened." "Yeah, maybe. I won't deny I was pissed off with you. A bit anyway, but I'm not now buddy." "I know, but I just want to be here and help you out." "And I love you all the more for it too, but you don't have to do it all." Keith put his head back on my shoulder and we lay like that in silence for some time, gently caressing each other. He played his fingers up and down my scars sending little tingly shivers running up my side and down my legs. Out of the blue he asked, "Do you still like me the same before I went with Emma?" My turn for surprise. "What the fuck? What a dumb-arse question that is. I don't like you, I fucken love you. And yes, just the same. Actually probably more. No, it is more." "Why? I know it pissed you off. Were you jealous?" "Yeah, I admit it. I was a little jealous. But not to extent I would ever do a thing to stop you or get in your way. I've told you that many times. I wasn't pissed off about you and Em. A bit selfishly sad about it, but not angry. The thing that really pissed me off, the thing that made me mad as, was what you said about me trying to steal your dad cause mine was dead. That hurt me bad. It was like a knife through my heart. And also cause I felt you didn't trust me. That's why." I'd rolled on my side and was facing him. What I said sounded harsh, and that wasn't lost on Keith. "Ouch!" he said. "I was angry when I said that. I didn't mean it Zebby, truly I didn't. Just that Em was saying stuff and, well I guess I wanted to believe her. How do I make it right Zeb? I never meant to be so hurtful." "Look you dope! You have the greatest dad anyone could have. He loves you totally, will always be there for you no matter what, will listen to anything you say without any bias, accept you as are and never reject you. He's everything I've ever thought a loving dad would be. And you know what? He's yours. Yeah, him and I are close, real close. But you, you gonzo, will always be his number one boy. Anyone else would only be a distant second. I love him and he loves me. But you are the light of his life, the one who fills his heart and always will do. OK!" "OK. I get it. But you haven't said how I can make it up to you for what I said." "I told you before. You don't. We do! But what do you mean about wanting to believe Em and feeling normal?" "Oh, shit Zebby. I don't know how to explain that. I guess, oh fuck, I dunno, being round Em and others made me feel sorta big, I guess. Normal. We could walk down the road hand in hand. You and I can't. I can't kiss you in public. Hugging you in public can be, I dunno, a problem sometimes. It makes me feel we gotta hide away. I know we can be whatever we want to here, and with jess and Darryl. But I'd just like it if we could be normal together without worrying about what people might say. I guess that's what I mean by normal. I didn't mean normal as in straight, cause if I'm normal shagging chicks, what does that make you, or me, or Darryl, Jess, anyone? Does any of this make sense?" "All of it. That's what I've been feeling for years. Welcome to my frustration. You made it all Ok for me. I'd have had a crush on you even if you'd told me to `fuck off you pervert bastard' that first day back in maths class. But fuckit Keith, don't you remember anything I said to you last summer? Well, it's still all that and more. You lift me just by walking into a room. You excite me. You understand me like no one ever has. I'm safe with you. I'm in love with you, you bastard, and no matter what happens in the future, I will for the rest of my days. Jesus Christ Keith, you could slap me stupid and shit over all my Christmas pressies and I'd still love you!" He laughed. "So, huh, into scat are we?" "Never bonerboy. That's just shitty!" "Yep! Real crap habit!" That got us laughing our bits off. Calming down again, we lay facing each other. There was just enough light to see the small patch of freckles over his nose. Something I'd always found cute and sexy. I traced my finger softly over them. "Zebby, when I heard about your crash, I nearly died. My world crashed. All I could think of was I never said sorry to you, and that I loved you. What would I do if you weren't here? I had to see you to tell you. I stayed at your door until I could. When you started to wake up again, I got worried you wouldn't want to see me, and then my guilt kept me away. I wish I'd stayed with you every day you were in hospital. That's why I want to do everything I can now. To make up for what I didn't do." "The only clear memory I have the day after I went over the edge is what you said. You made all the difference. I reckon it somehow let me know I could face anything." "Yeah, well when I saw you I really freaked out. You looked real bad. The doctors even thought you wouldn't make it. I gotta admit when I whispered in your ear I really did think you were dead. So when your eyes shot open and started rolling around, I near shit myself I got such a fright." "You fixed me, Keith." "Well you big fuckup. Come hear and let the doctor fix you up some more." And with that he pulled me to him and kissed me. It had been over two months since we'd had sex together and that was in the barn. It felt like a first time again. Without our trusty lube, Keith improvised using his beautifully soft, hot mouth to make sure I was wet enough to let him gently slide down my achingly hard cock. He knelt over me, reluctant to sit on me in case he caused me pain. No chance of that! I was too far-gone sexually and pulled him down onto my hips, thrusting into him as I did, driving a gasp from him. After all the sexing we'd shared, you'd think I'd last longer than a couple of minutes. Sadly, no. It seemed like Keith had only bottomed out before I blasted him full of my cream. However, there was no way my steel-hard shaft was softening anytime soon. "Hmmm," he crooned laying down on my chest, "I think doctor has healed someone's hurts." "I'm not to sure doc, I need some more of your special treatment." "And I know just the thing. Some special physio." With that, he carefully rolled onto his back, taking me with him. Locking his arms and legs around me, Keith nuzzled my neck, whispering, "Fuck me Zebby! Make love to me." We did. Thankfully, my rapid orgasm produced a huge amount of cum to act as lube. Almost as fast as I did, Keith's strong, shuddering orgasm, spattered thick, creamy-white, sticky cum between us. Not long after, rapidly increasing squelching sounds announced my second cumming. I'd never cum so hard or so fast, ever! I think it was all over in about ten minutes but it's intensity left us panting and gasping for breath, out hearts thudding against each other. There was one more thing I had to do. Reluctantly, I separated from Keith's warm embrace and licked my way down his chest and tum to his cum-covered cock. His salty-sweet juice covered the tip. Gulping him down in one mouthful, I swallowed all of him, sucking and licking his penis for all I was worth, like it was my last meal. Yum! He tasted fantastic and smelt even better. Keith's pubes, sticky from our lovemaking, tickled. His musky scent wafted up my nose, sending me into delirium. The swelling of Keith's bone gave me enough warning to pull back far enough as not to lose any of his essence when he came. And come he did! Fountaining jets of thick cum-pellets shot into my mouth, down my throat, splatting my tonsils! I ate it all and licked him clean until he had calmed and relaxed. The shortest but most intense sex we'd ever had. Oh my God, it was great! And I began to believe we were getting back on track. In our afterglow, we snuggled up, holding on to each other as much for closeness as for confirmation we were all right. I still hadn't broached the subject of me going away. I considered making a start, sowing seeds as it were, but chickened out and let him know how incredible our love play had been. As December rolled on and the weather improved, I became more restless. For someone who loved the great outdoors, being on sticks was like a death! I found it hard to keep myself amused. I was over Googling things like hypovolemic shock, pelvic and clavicle injuries. It scared the shit out of me and I began to worry about any long-term effects my accident might cause me. It also made me realise how close I may have come to crossing into the great abyss! One good thing that happened while I was away was that the arsehole next door had gone, thank God, and new oldies had moved in. Nice couple, they kept an eye out for me when mum was at work and they gave me lifts into town. But not this day. Mum had gone to work early, and I had no one to talk to or pass the time with. Daytime TV was a bore and so were the films. Jess and Darryl were somewhere, I don't know where and Keith was at home as far as I knew. I was bored! So there I was, home alone, lying on my bed with headphones clamped on, volume set to the `you'll-be-deaf-before-you're-twenty' level, feeling sorry for myself. I'd given up on my international airways fleet, the pilots tended to crash, but happily not burn. My fleet, made from the pages of my social science book, were spread over my floor, my dresser, a few on the armchair airstrip and one, I think, had sunk out of sight in the toilet bowl down the passage. I'm singing along to Adele's Set Fire to the Rain, hand down my shorts squeezing away at things, thinking about my friends, when Keith walks in. I was up in a flash, my headphones dumped on the floor. "Hey Bud. How's it?" I go happily. He walks in, head down, and sits on the corner of the bed. He looked worried and guilty sort of all at once. Something is wrong. "Whoa, Buddy, what's up?" Keith gives me a few sideways glances and then, head hanging, mumbles, "I've gotta tell you something Zebby. " There's a long pause and I'm waiting. Finally he says, "I gotta tell you something Zeb. Please listen to me before you answer." Confused I go "Ok." Keith waited a bit, tried several times to say something before I get impatient and go, "What the fuck is it? Spit it out buddy. Got things to do and they're all to you!" Still with my hand down my pants and shit eating grin on my face. "You mightn't want to after I tell you what I have to. Please Zebby, don't say anything till I'm finished Ok?" "Ok. I'm listening. "I caused all of it Zeb. I caused all the stuff that happened to you. I'm real sorry Zebby, but I have to tell you. I told Em that you might be gay. If I hadn't you wouldn't have got bashed and none of the rest would've happened. I nearly killed you!" Well, that killed the moment and the hand quickly left my subsiding dong. With a frustrating sigh I replied sharply "Fuck sake Keith! No you didn't. It just happened." "No, Zeb! Please listen to me. Just listen to me. I told Emma I thought you were gay. She told some of her mates and they bashed you. All that shit you were getting from people was because I said something. Then we had a row and you..." "And I had an accident!" I interrupted. "What part of that don't you understand? I went for a bike ride on a narrow, windy road and got snotted by a boat! Think about it. It's not everyday you get run down by a boat on a road! It has some humour about it, don't you think?" I say trying to make light of the situation. With that he walks from my room. Thinking I'd try to stop him as I didn't want him to walk home, (cause I know how freakin far that is), I scramble off my bed and step right on top of my phones. I stumble and fall, landing on my left side. OMG it hurt! So I'm gasping and groaning and ouching and shit, shit, shitting away, lying on the floor, when I see two sets of feet come round the end of my bed. Looking up, I see Greg is with Keith. Even in my throbbing pain, I'm thinking, `Fuck, Keith could've been driven home!' Greg is all concern and so is Keith and they help me up and I sit back on my bed. Thankfully, the pain is slowly lessening. Both are very concerned about any damage I may have caused. Keith is looking deeply worried now. He tries to say sorry again, but I shut him up saying, "Leave it Keith, for Gods sake leave it!" Greg chips in quietly telling me, "Listen to what Keith is trying to say to you Zeb. It's very important for you both." I give another huge frustrated sigh and spread my hands in a `well-tell-me-then' action. Hesitantly, he began. "I...don't know how to make it up to you Zeb...I betrayed you Zeb. I keep thinking what if you hadn't made it? What if I'd never got with Emma? None of this would've happened. If you'd died, I'd never be able to tell you how sorry I am. I feel so guilty." Keith was visibly upset. I thought about what he said while he calmed down. Though Darryl had told me, it still pissed me off to think he had dumped on me. But I was also worried about the state he was in. I wasn't sure what upset me the most. Once Keith was able to carry on, he tried to explain how what he'd said had been the catalyst for all the rest. Also that he wasn't going to say anything but his guilt was driving him nuts and he had to. I thought about that for quite a while. The silence was uncomfortable. I didn't know how to respond to him. In the end I rambled out, "Yeah, Keith, that was a betrayal but I've known about that for some time. You know more about me, what I've done, what I feel, what I think, than anyone I know. Not even Jess knows half as much as you do. I trusted you completely. I wondered if someone had said something. I even though for a while it might have been Jess, or even Darryl. But I never thought it was you. I didn't even consider it could be you! Why? Why'd you say it? But anyway buddy, does it matter?" Keith had trouble looking at me. "I dunno Zeb. Like I said to you before I guess. I can't fix this up, can I Zeb. I'm really sorry cause you're my best ever mate and I'll never have another one like you. Don't hate me too much, please? But I guess you won't want me around anymore." He tried to stand up and go. "Get you sad arse up here!" I commanded him, patting the bed next to me. "Listen to me Keith and this time use your fucking ears. Don't interrupt just listen. If you want to go after I've finished, then OK go. Got it!" "Got it Zeb," he muttered. "Look you plonker. First, I don't want you to go. I love you, but lately you seem to be hazardous to my health. Shit I'd probably feel safer if you had a sign on your back saying, danger to small children and other living orgasms!" I laughed. That brought a smile to his miserably sad face. Good, I think, getting somewhere. "Now you listen carefully. This is important. You're my life now. I love you. Yeah, this is a small fuckup, but it just isn't your fault. I don't blame you for any of it. I've known about what you apparently said for some time now. It just doesn't matter. Anyway, I am gay." I explained to him what had gone down the day Em had visited, how she was curious about our sleeping arrangements and my lack of girlfriends and how it ended in me getting slapped and her being told to leave. "So you see buddy, it wouldn't have mattered if you said anything or not. She still would've put it out there. As to the apes that bashed me, you had nothing to do with it. They'd have found me anyway. I'm pretty certain Em would've made sure." "The accident was simply an accident. That road is dangerous. I've always known that! It's freakin beautiful, but can be deadly, especially for bikers. You weren't driving the Ute! You weren't driving the other car. It was an accident, that's all. Anyway, what if you had been staying that night? Could be we would've both been on the road. What if you'd been knocked off? I'd have felt the same as you. But we can't live by what if's." "I get it. You're feeling bad about the whole thing. Shit buddy, so am I. I wish I'd waited a while longer. I wish I hadn't been so impatient. I wish I'd stopped and let the boat go first. I wish I hadn't pissed off that night of the bike. But mostly I wish I had bigger balls and spoken to you. I should've pushed my way to you. So you gotta stop blaming your self. I'm the one who made those decisions, not you. Anyway Keith, you have no right trying to take responsibility for actions you had no control of, or for other peoples guilt!" "I want my Keith back. Where's the guy who has that wicked humour? Where's my go-to guy when I need my head sorted? Where is he? I want him back. All of him, whole and happy. I need that to help me heal. When you come in like you did all sorry and guilty, my heart drops and I start feeling like shit. Help me get well and I promise you, I'll help you get over all this." By now, all of us had sandbox eyes, all teary. Greg came and sat down next to Keith and hugged him. "Did you hear what Zeb said Keith." Keith nodded muttering, "I don't know how to fix things." "Keith, for fucks sake! I told you. You don't, we do," and to Greg I ask, "Can Keith stay here with me please? You up for that Keith?" I ask. He looks at me, gives a shy smile and nods yes. We lay down together on my bed cause my hips giving me shit, talking things over quietly. Greg explained about him and John. "After the accident, John blamed himself for the argument. His guilt drove him away and prevented me seeing my best mate for over 16 years. But I was feeling guilty too." I gave Greg a sharp look. "Yes, Zeb, I felt guilty because I didn't stop your dad from leaving. It's a bloody awful feeling not being able to say sorry. Keith didn't think he'd get a chance to say sorry because he really thought you'd die. We all thought it. It's knocked the shit out of him. I know what my boy is going through and it breaks my heart. But you're right, only the two of you can sort this." We talked it through a little longer before Greg says he needs to get back home. Alone with Keith, I asked him if he could help me take a hot shower explaining that heat helps with the pain and a shower is easiest. No problem with that at all. Shower on I ask if he could help me undress, which he does very gently, trying hard not to cause me any discomfort. I hop in and turn saying, "You too. Get'em off and get in. I've got plans for you." His clothes went everywhere! I leant against the shower wall, letting the water cascade over my hip. Keith pressed up against me, slipping one arm around me and with the other, gently massaged my sore hip. As he pressed his check against my back I felt his penis, soft against my butt. "Hmm, I crooned, that'll be inside soon!" He giggled, "Only if you're nice to me!" "Oh really! And what nice thing would you like from me?" "I want you to suck me dry and fuck me gently all night long!" "You wish! But I want something from you first." "And what's what?" "A barn shagging!" I felt him tighten up. "What? Really. You want me to shag you like we did at the barn?" I turned around and his astonishment was obvious. "Yes Keith. I do." It's hard having a conversation in a shower when waters falling over your face. So, pulling him to me, shielding his ear, I whispered, "Yes. I want you to shag me." "But I hurt you when I do that." "Yeah, well, it does hurt a bit, but it also felt pretty good too. Anyway, I'm not talking about a Jessie shag, just want you to do me hard. "Fuck!" He goes, "OK." Once out of the shower, that's what we did. We tried all positions; me bent over the side of the bed, over the end, on hands and knees and finally face down. Not because we couldn't find a comfortable position, but the bed got hammered too. Sideways, the mattress started to slide off. End ways, the headboard bashed hard against the wall with every powerful thrust from Keith. Once inside, Keith powered his way into me. Hard, fast thrusts in and slow withdrawals out, his thighs slapping loudly against mine. He shunted me up the bed, pulling me backwards onto him when I began to get too far away from his plunging tool. I hurt! But at the same time Keith's hard, quivering bone sent zings and tingles through me. Faster and harder he slid in and out, his thrusts matching his gasping and almost animalistic grunts, driving me flat onto the bed. With me biting the pillow to muffle my cries and groans, gripping the duvet as if I was about to rip chunks from it, the bed squeaking and thudding on the floor, headboard knocking against the wall, Keith finishing off by slamming his way to an angst ridden, screaming orgasm. As we calmed and recovered, (me especially), with Keith lying half on my back, head on the pillow next to mine, we talked. Keith asked me why I let him shag me like he did. I tried to explain that I'd quite liked our barn shags, but wouldn't like to fuck like it all the time. "But I hurt you. I know I do." He says. "Yeah, but I can say stop. Anyway, did you enjoy it?" He blushed and dropped his eyes, "Yeah I do. But it worries me too. I get sorta frightened I might hurt you bad. " "I would stop you before you did that buddy. Trust me. Anyway, after that fat donkey dick shagging, hope I can walk proper." I laughed. "You know what's coming next, eh?" "Yeah. Lookin forward to it!" I wanted to tell him how I like being dominated by him sometimes, just giving myself to him for his needs and pleasure. And that I thought it was a way to work out frustrations about the past months. I couldn't find the words to explain that and in truth, didn't quite understand how fucking the arse off me would help heal Keith, but we certainly felt closer for it. So I decided to say nothing. Instead, all I said was, "Not until we've cleaned up though." That done, I hobbled out to the kitchen, Keith trying to support me. My hip still throbbed a bit, but not as much as my sore, stretched bum! Together, we made dinner. Nothing grand, spaghetti on toast with scrambled eggs and breakfast sausys, which brought back memories of another sausage meal. The funny thing was, making such a simple meal and the laughter that generated, created its own healing magic as we remembered and chatted about earlier times involving sore arses, sauce bottles and sausages! Later, after cleaning up and Keith rubbing some pain relief on my hip, we had a long soak in the bath together. We washed each other taking particular care with each others arse Ð to relieve my burning hole, and to prepare Keith for what I wanted to do to him. Without doing the whole enema thing, I managed to insert two soapy fingers inside and wash him out. Keith obliged by bending and spreading wide. Dried, we returned to bed where I gave him what he wanted. I began by rubbing my dribbling dick over his chest and nipples smearing him with glistening pre-cum trails. Keith bobbed his head trying to take me in his mouth, but I teased him, rubbing my dick around his face, his head and across his lips. Binding me with his arms, he pulled me roughly into him, taking me deep into his mouth and throat, and began to suck me hard and fast. In turn, I held his head and began gently face fucking him. Pushing on my hips, I got the message he needed a rest and withdrawing from his comforting warm mouth, knelt between his legs and gave him the first blowjob of the night! Our tender love play began with me licking my way from his head to his toes and back up to his freshly cleaned bum where I tongued him as deep as I dared. No funky smell, just fresh flesh and subtle soapy smells. How I loved looking into his euphoric flushed face and half closed eyes, as I slowly penetrated him as deep as I could. Keith opened wide, aiding my efforts by thrusting upwards urging me to push deeper. With one hard thrust, Keith impaled him self on my cock. A sudden squeezing painful grip encircled my cockhead, like it was being strangled. Keith's eyes shot open and his wailing and gasp, caused me to me jerk back, my bellend slipping backwards like a cork popping from a bottle. "Holy fuck, Keith! What just happened?" "Oh fuck! Don't know, but shit that made my eyes open." Lying still, resting on my elbows, I didn't dare move while we recovered, me from the crushing pressure around my knob, Keith obviously from the sudden sharp pain he must've felt. I was concerned about continuing and as I gently began to withdraw from his moist, hot passage, he pulled me to him and pushed upwards against me. We soon got back into our rhythm and as we do, found that special place where only the two of us exist. Afterwards, as we lay quietly facing each other, we talked. Keith asked me again about our earlier shag; why I wanted him to do that to me. I fought to find the right words, not wanting to tell him I sometimes liked being his bitch. When I answered him I said, "I like being dominated by you sometimes, giving myself to you for your pleasure, totally submitting to you. I know I'll be safe, that you wouldn't take advantage of it. And though it hurts, I get pleasure as well. Does that make sense?" "Yeah it does, but I feel a bit bad about doing it." We lapsed back into silence listening to the night sounds, caressing each other and out of the blue he goes, "I wish you still had your old phone, I sent you a message I wished you'd seen." "I've still got it. It's on my bed where I threw it, unless mum has put it somewhere. I never took it with me that day. Just my iPod, which I miss." "Oh! Really? You should find it and check it out." "Yeah, maybe tomorrow I guess, if you help me up the stairs." Back into silence we go. I roll on my back; Keith lays his head on my shoulder, gently playing his fingers along the scar on the other. I know he can feel the little plate on my collar bone. It feels weird, but not unpleasant when he traces along it. A little later, I'm nearly asleep when, "Sorry for this afternoon Zeb." Startled, I say, "All good. But let's not go there eh?" We settle again and I drift into sleep. Keith's caresses helping. I don't know what time it was when I wake, it's still dark. Keith is on his back, sound asleep and I take the opportunity to slide down and suck his soft warm sausage into my mouth. As I gently suck and lick, he hardens and very soon, unleashes his hoards of Keithlings into my mouth. "Mmmm'" he moans, "Nice way to be woken." "You did say you wanted to be sucked dry and fucked all night. What you think?" as I drew his hand down to my rampant cock. "Get up here," he commands. Nuff said, I'm on my back, playing tents with the cover. Keith straddles me, reaches for the lube, sits on my legs and prepares me for entry. Kneeling over me, he lowers himself down onto my trembling bone and with little jerky pushes dances down my greasy pole. Keith controls how deep, how fast. I love this! The expression of utter pleasure on his face and the feeling of slowly penetrating his tight, burning-hot passage; the fierce all round constricting friction as he slides down, and the sucking, clinging of his anal wall as he slips out, all weave their magic, driving me onwards to a spasming eruption. And with me gasping as if I was struggling for my last breath, Keith leans over me, resting on his arms, nuzzles and kisses me until I'd recuperated. Could anything be better? Oh that this was our future together. I had no idea if it could. I still had to tell him of my decision to leave.