Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2016 17:30:32 +1200 From: ben zeb Subject: Maths Class Maths Class Ð Schools out! I've had Keith in my dreams from the first day I saw him. He'd come to me at night, in exciting and erotic meetings that caused me to spontaneously mess my sheets. And when it wasn't spontaneous, I'd relive those dreams as I frantically brought myself to a hand-cranking orgasm. When my subconscious wasn't creating orgasmic images, then I'd be daydreaming about Keith wanting to drag him into the bushes and do nasty things to him. Keith is my focus, my dream, my life, and I missed him! Now, not only my beautiful friend invaded my sleeping moments, but so too did Drew, Flynn, even Mike. Occasionally Evie popped in, usually accompanied with Keith. They were hugely raunchy and vivid encounters that lead to wet endings, leaving me a sticky mess. But some were disturbing, those involving Jake. They left me feeling dirty and ashamed. I would wake up and shake my head in an attempt to clear such ideas. Jake was my brother in the whole sense of how I believed brothers should be. I loved the idea of being able to help him when I could; provide support and encouragement and even protection if he needed it. I guess he filled the gap I felt not having one. In any case, I loved him just as much as if he were my actual bro. Dreaming of him sexually scared the crap out of me. That was just wrong! I needed a partner and there lay the problem. How could I do that and not cheat on Keith? Always the same unanswerable question. Despite what I'd said to Mike, I was becoming more and more interested in Drew. If he had a crush on me, so did I for him. He would be fifteen soon and Keith's comments kept echoing in my head. Yeah, we were younger when we began, but only just. So what's the problem I would ask myself? Keith! I'd argue back. Keith hadn't held back and was happy. If it was OK for him to move on, why not me? The answer was simple. No matter who it was, he could not compare to Keith. I couldn't move past that idea. Why would anyone want a relationship with me, when there were three in the bed, so to speak? And why was I so focused on having a relationship anyway? Though I wasn't into short-term hook-ups, short-term was all I was going to be in Wellington. Impasse! So hello hand! Totally unsatisfactory! Never the less, despite my frustration, I was still pretty happy, just not sexually satisfied. As we moved into May, all my ducks seemed to be lining up, to quote the old saying. Evie and I had become very close. Mike and I were on track again. I was back swimming with Jake and Drew. My job was going well and I picked up another tutoring client. It wasn't long though, before clouds began to darken that sunny disposition. The first was the mounting tension between Jim and Gwen. That really affected Jake and he became withdrawn and his chattiness stopped. More and more he'd get angry over little things, getting into fights and acting up at school. This was very uncharacteristic of him as he was usually an on-to-it kid. Things worsened on Mothers Day. It began with a metaphoric bang, like the shots signalling the start of duck shooting season. And like those poor-arse ducks, mine began falling out of formation as well. Jake and I got up early to fix Gwen a Mothers Day breakfast and give her pressies. That done, I Skyped mum. Everything went well. I went off to work only to find that work had dried up for winter and I was no longer required. I got home about 2 in the arbo to find Boofhead had rocked up. Gwen was super excited, (as she should since it was Mother's day), and was making a huge fuss of him. Jim was not so enthusiastic. Jake's demeanour had changed. He was looking anxious and very agitated. After being introduced, (to Aaron as he is), I watched from the sidelines until excusing my self, went downstairs to ring mum. I can't say I remembered Aaron. He was usually away at his dad's whenever I'd visited, but he seemed to know me. He came downstairs shortly after I did and walking into my room, sat on my bed. I was a little surprised at his familiarity but let it go. He was pleasant. We chatted about stuff; he asking me what I was up to, why I was in Wellington and I asked about his job in Christchurch. He showed none of the attitude that Jake had suggested he had. After dinner and sitting round staring at TV, I noted Jake was absent. I asked about that and the response from Aaron was, "Probably hiding in his room pissing himself." Jim pulled him up about it only for Aaron to respond, "Well he does, doesn't he. He's always pissed his bed." I looked to Gwen. She looked sad and said, "No need to talk about Jake like that Aaron." Aaron gave a laugh, "Yes mum." Not wanting to show my annoyance, I excused myself claiming I had homework to do and went downstairs. Monday and Tuesday continued in the same way. Aaron made snide comments to Jake teasing him and generally slagging him off. I was getting more and more pissed off. Aaron noticed this. So did Jim. A number of times I told him to lay off. Aaron increased his bullshit and began in on me, questioning me about why I was there, why didn't I fuck-off home, and telling me if he wanted to slag his bro he would. I wanted to smash his shit face in. I think Jim sensed this and took me aside letting me know he didn't want trouble between Aaron and me. What could I say? It wasn't my home. I was a guest. But I wasn't going to take much more shit and told Jim that. If that hadn't been enough, the tension between Gwen and Jim increased. Aaron started in on that too. On Thursday it came to a head. The first happened at school. Jake had a punch-up with another year nine and was stood down. I tried to speak to his dean and explain what was going on at home but school policy was absolute, have a fight, instant stand down, no questions asked. Problems deepened that night. Aaron was out when I got back from tutoring and Jake came down to my room, the first time since Aaron had come home. We were sitting on my bed talking about school and his stand down, when Aaron came back. Neither of us heard him till he walked into my room asking Jake, "Whadda you doing here? Get back to your piss pad!" I'd had enough, stood up and told the jerk to, "Shut the fuck up!" Boom! It was all on. He pushed me and I threw a punch, missing him. He let fly and we ended up slamming the shit out of each other. Jake raced upstairs crying, which sent Jim down in time to see me drop Aaron on his arse. Both of us were bleeding. Jim separated us, pushed Aaron out of my room and turned on me shouting angrily, "I won't have you fighting in my house! I think it's time you left!" I took him at his word, grabbed my backpack and wallet, and walked out. It was cold and dark and I was furious and sore. My head, shoulder and hip ached and I had blood down my hoody. I must've looked a real sight. My anger clouded my judgment and heading down to the station, jumped on the first train that came. Unfortunately it was heading north, not where I intended going. At Paekakriki I got off and wandered down to the beach to try to clear my head. The beach was deserted as far as I could see and why wouldn't it be. It was windy and very cold. My hoody did it's best to warm me, but it lost the battle against the cutting wind. Salt spray flung into my face, stung my lip. Trudging along that long expanse of lonely beach gave me time to think things through. Occasionally I'd stop and scream insults into the wind. The unfairness of my recent experiences welled up and fuelled my vitriolic outpourings. I had enough sense though, to move on quickly lest someone hear and call the cops about the mad kid on the beach. No one came though. I have no idea how long I walked but eventually, cold and tired, I found myself at the northern end reserve. Not wanting to go home, I made my way onto a pathway and found myself at an old bunker. Not the best but it afforded some protection from the wind. It stunk, had crap all over the floor and I could hear the crunch of glass as I walked in. Despite this, I slunk down in a corner, feeling deeply sorry for myself, cursing anyone and everyone for my imagined misfortune. Why didn't I just go back home? Fuck knows. Stupid stubbornness and perceived wrongs I guess. But I refused to slink back and humble myself before people I saw as my aggressors. I wish I had! I couldn't stay there so got up and shivered my way back down the beach. It was late by the time I reached the station only to find the last train had long gone! I tried sleeping on a bench. It was uncomfortable. My back hurt along with every other part of me. I wondered why no one had txt or rung me and looking for my phone, discovered I'd left it behind. Dumb-arse! Light seeped in about six so that was my cue to get going. Standing up was an effort as I was stiff and sore and very, very cold. I needed to warm up. I got some strange looks when I stumbled into a cafe and got a much needed hot chocky. The train ride back was no better. I was dirty, blood spattered and dishevelled. I half expected to be thrown off or worse, have a visit from the cops. But keeping my head down, sitting at the rear, I finally got back to my station about 8:30. My hope that no one would be home was dashed the moment my key slid into the lock. The door was flung open, nearly wrenching my hand. Standing there was Jim. Fuck! Of all people! He let fly. "Where the fuck have you been? We've been trying to contact you all night! Your mother's worried sick! We're worried sick! Jake's completely gone off the rails. You need to explain yourself son, and now!" I felt like smashing him too. "You told me to fuck-off so I did! I've come back to clean up and finish the job. Now let me fucken in.... Please." "Don't you talk to me like that son..." "Or what!" I spat back. "I'm just doin what you told me to. Now let me finish the job." Gwen arrived at the door and saved any further escalation. She took one look, cried, "Oh my God!" and dragged me inside telling me to have a hot shower. No arguments there. The shower did its trick but by the time I got back to my bedroom, I was shivering uncontrollably. Jim was sitting on my bed looking sorry. I stood there, naked. Jim looked at me and said, "I'm sorry Zeb. I never meant go home, just get out of the room. I guess I didn't explain myself well. I was concerned both of you would have done real damage. Things haven't been good lately and I overreacted. I'm very, very sorry. I'd like you to stay. You're good for Jake and I really appreciate that." I stood there, sulking. Jim had always been good to me and I looked up to him. I felt bad about speaking the way I had and told him so. He stood up, walked over and hugged me. Neither of us thought it strange I was naked. "Oh my God Zeb! You're freezing. Best you get into bed." Jim and I talked things through. He suggested I really did have to get a hold on my anger and try not to over react to things. He told me, though I was very much like my dad, I'd inherited reactive characteristics from his side of the family. I knew what he meant. Most of the shit I'd been in the last couple of years had been the result of my stubbornness, over reactions and flash point anger My phone kept pinging as Jim and I were talking. Finally it rang. Keith! Jim left me to it and answering it I got, "What the fuck have you done? You didn't go funny again did you?" "No Keith, just being a dumb-arse is all." "OK then. Just being normal eh?" And he laughed. "But you best ring your mum. She's pretty upset. Think I need to come down and sort you out." "Yeah, I'd like that!" I go. ""Where the fuck are you?" he asks. "In bed." ""Why?" he demands "Got home late." "Oh? How late?" "Bout an hour ago." "What! What the fuck did you do?" The next ten minutes was spent explaining what I'd done and then Keith roasting me about being a dickhead and the like. That done and dusted, I asked him where he was. "School. Where'd you think bozo? Anyway, I gotta see you Zebby. Need to get something off my chest." "Only your chest?" I ask. "Well, get off anyway." And so it went, becoming more and more raunchy. We finished with me hard as steel. Knowing Keith was going to come down really lifted my spirits! The only positive from my latest fuck-up, was Jake had company for the duration of his stand down. Aaron kept his distance. Saturday, Aaron left. I swear Jake was flying down those stairs the moment the front door clicked shut. I made him keep his distance in case he caught my cold. Unfortunately, I had to do the same when Evie called to see how I was. I would have loved to feel her soft warm arms around me. Not that it mattered, but Jake hovered around while she was there. Happily I was good to go again by Monday and apart from Jim and Gwen, we were almost back to normal. Things came to a head in the middle of the week when Jim moved out to stay at a friends place. Jake was crushed! I got home from school to find him in his room bawling his eyes out. Asking him what the trouble was just made him roll onto his tum and hide his face. He waved his hand at me signalling to go. There was no way I could talk to him. I left with him sobbing his heart out. I don't no how long it was but I thought I heard movement on the stairs. I waited. Nothing! I could hear soft stifled sniffs. Going to the door, I found Jake leaning against the wall, tears streaming down his face. He looked so miserably lost and lonely. I nearly bawled myself seeing him. He whispered, "I'm sorry Zeb." That was it. I pulled him into my arms. He gushed more tears. I dragged him into my room and sat him on the bed. We sat there, my arm around his shoulders as he slowly, (and it was slow) settled down enough to start talking things through. It was complicated. He thought he was responsible for the tension between his mum and dad. The problems between Aaron and him had got to the stage that he was terrified of his brother. However, the strangest and funniest, (though not for Jake) was that he thought he was gay! And in the middle of it all was worries about school and that he might be kicked out. We started with school, as it was straightforward. I convinced him that no way was he going to be excluded as long as he didn't fight and fuck about in class. Anyway, his stoush had given him some cred among his friends. The kid he `d punched- out had been bullying him for some time and Jake had finally dealt to it. His mum and dad were trickier. I tried to explain that people often have problems in relationships, (yes laugh if you must, me the great relationship guru), but it's between them and had nothing to do with him. I told him I genuinely believed his dad and mum would get back together, but Jim needed to take some time out. Jake seemed a little more comfortable with my explanation. I hoped I was right. To me, his and Aaron's relationship problems seemed obvious. Aaron was jealous. Jake was confused. "What of?" he asked. "Think about this Jakey. Aaron had your mum and his dad all to himself. Then along comes your dad and whammo, they split. Aaron only sees his dad on weekends. Then you come along. Little innocent you, cause you are innocent in this. But so is Aaron. Suddenly, he's not number one anymore. He has to share his mum with you. So think how you're feeling now about your mum and dad. That's how he was feeling way back when you came along. He's confused and hurt and doesn't know how to deal with it. Sound familiar?" I ask. "Oh shit!" he goes. "I never thought about it like that. That's just sad. But why is he so mean to me?" "It's his way of dealing with it, I guess. Maybe he blames you for his hurts." "What should I do then?" he asks. "Really that's up to you. Nothing if you don't want to. After all, it's his problem. But you could take the high road and try to make peace with him I guess. Might work maybe." Jake thought about that. Finally we came to Jake's gayness. Wow! I had trouble not laughing my bits off over this one. Jake though, was seriously concerned about it. "So Jake," I go, "What makes you think your gay?" Well, he blushed and farted, (figuratively though, because he's a bit of a stink-arse when he does that), and ummd and ahhd until he hesitantly starts, "You...won't think I'm...umm...a sicko will you?" Shit, what do I say to that! What does that make me! "Look Jake, you can say anything to me and I won't think you're weird or anything. I promise you. Honestly." "Well..." he starts again. "I...ahh...I...umm.." I step in. "Look Jake, if you worried about having sex thoughts about some of your mates it's all good. You might have even played around with some of them. Lots of guys do. It doesn't make you gay, just curious. Anyway, we're all horney at this age. It's ok to have sex thoughts about your mates. It's kinda like a stage we go through." He thought about that until he asks, "Did you?" Not quite the response I expected. I answered him honestly. "Yes." "Who about?" "Some of my friends." "Did you do stuff?" Be honest I tell myself. "Yes." "What did you do?" Oh fuck! Time to deflect. "Look Jake, it's not really important what we might've done. Have you done stuff with other guys? Is that what's worrying you? Do you actually understand what being gay is?" "Yes, yes and no," he replies. "OK. Lets do the easy one first. I guess jerking off together and playing around with another guy's dick might be the most common. But some guys are more curious or adventurous and may even do more like oral or even anal. It's not that unusual for some guys to have a bit of a crush on their friends. But it's usually only temporary. It all sorta stops when girls come into the picture. Holly for instance. I know you're hot for her. And buddy, I see how you look at Evie. I bet you dream about them. I'm pretty sure you jerk off thinking about girls?" "Yeah," he goes hanging his head shyly. "So there you go. Do you jerk off thinking about your mates?" Holy shit! His head jerked up and he spat out, "No way! That's just gay!" "That's right Jake. It is gay. Now do you see the difference a little more? Some guys, not all guys, but some and it's quite common, play around with their mates because they're curious. That's all it is. Yeah it's gay sex I guess, but it doesn't make them gay. Just horny and curious. That's all Jake." He looked at me and smiled, the relief obvious in his face. "So if I've just jerked off a friend a few times it doesn't mean I'm gay?" "That's right Jake." "Oh shit. I've been scared about that for so long." He thought for a bit then asked, "But what if he asks me to do it again?" "That's entirely up to you. You don't have to anything with any of your friends you don't want to, or that makes you feel awkward and yuck. Just tell them no. But if you want to, well be sure you both want the same thing." "What do I do if he's gay and I'm not?" "Is he a good friend?" "Yeah." "Then why does it matter? A true friend will stand by their mates no matter who they are. You won't catch gayness from your friend. Gays are born, not made. "Born? Are gays born that way?" "That's one theory. A gay guy can choose not to have sex if he doesn't want to, but he can't choose to be gay or not gay. He just is. What worries you about it?' "I don't know. It's not normal." "So what if one of your best mates, Drew for example, was gay? Would you ditch him?" "No way! Drew's cool. He's my best mate." "So you'd still be friends if him or any other of your mates were gay?" "Yeah but..." "But..." I prodded. "What if other people think I'm gay? Like they did with you cause you were with Evie and Kate." "Answer me this Jake. Do you still think you might be gay, even though you've played around with some of your mates?" A tentative, "No." "Well then, what's it matter what jerk-offs call you. It's only name-calling. You've had that happen before. What did you do then? "I tried to ignore them but it still upset me." "Yeah, it does. But the trick is buddy, not to show the arseholes it bothers you. Either you stand by your mates or you don't. A true friend will. Are you up for that? Would you be prepared to stand by them when they're getting shit? Who stood up for you when you were getting bullied?" I could almost see the gears turning in his head thinking about that. Finally he says, "Drew helped me. He always did." "And who was there when you had your stoush at school the other day?" "Drew and Flynn." "And would you stand by them, or your other good mates if they needed you?" "Yes." "There you go then." He thought about what we'd chatted about for some time then asked, "How do you know all this stuff, Zeb?" "I've had shit said to me and I've read about it all cause like you, I was really confused about who I was." We left that one there. But at least Jake looked a lot happier. For many weeks, Jake defaulted to his alternative bedroom, mine. Sometimes, he'd slide in beside me, clinging like a limpet. I never minded though. He was like an oversized teddy bear, only a skinny one. Most nights we slept together, one of both of us would be naked. The swims at the water hole, the changing rooms at the pool and sharing the bathroom, had made us comfortable being naked together Occasionally, I'd wake in the night to hear him quietly sobbing. Usually it was because he'd wet his bed. A quick clean up and he'd jump in next to me. Sometimes on those nights, he would want to talk about things, mostly sex. Jake wanted to know what it was like. He just wouldn't believe Evie and I hadn't had sex. Gays came up a few times. I wondered how much he knew or guessed about me, but usually he would revert to `what if' questions. What if my friend wants to etc? All I could do was repeat what I'd already said. He was clearly curious about it all though. Drew's fifteenth was in the last week of May. All the usual suspects were there. Jake looked happier than I'd seen him for a long time (well two weeks actually). Drew asked Jake if he wanted to sleep over. Jake asked me if he should, not because he didn't want to, he was worried about peeing the bed. I convinced him he only did that when he was worried and this night, he was clearly very happy. I told him to go for it and winked at him. He blushed. Ah ha, I'm thinking, something's going on tonight! "Enjoy yourself and remember, only if you're both comfortable and want to." I said. He muttered quietly, "Yeah, I know." I don't know if they got up to stuff. I never asked him and he never said. However, he was a very happy Jake when he came home later the next day. Over the months in Wellington, my relationship with Evie had morphed from school friend to something else. We loved each other, not sexually, but a deep and loving relationship had evolved. We looked and acted like lovers; long walks arm-in-arm along long beaches, sitting among the south coast rocks watching the sunset, and long lunches at waterfront cafes. We'd become an item of interest at school and nobody believed we were not shagging each other madly. We were almost inseparable except, Evie had a girlfriend she saw quite often. I'd always thought Evie was here for school, but she confided in me that her dad was very traditional and a strict Catholic, and her mum was also fairly religious. Her dad was not happy about her gayness and wouldn't accept Evie was gay. On her mum's suggestion, she came to NZ for a while to get in touch with her Kiwi side I guess, but mainly to leave a stressful situation. It upset me her father couldn't come to terms with her, but her being here was certainly my gain. After Keith, Evie was my confidant. She was very curious about Keith, and my other friends. In late May, things changed. Driven by curiosity I guess, we engaged in sexploration. One night, after going to the movies, Evie asked if I would like to stay over at her place. Sitting on her bed, she asked me, "You have had a girlfriend, no?" "No Evie. I've had girls who were friends, but never a girlfriend. Have you had a boy friend?" "I am like you Zeb. I never had a boyfriend." We sat there quietly, until she asked, "You have wondered what girl sex is like?" "Yes, sometimes." "And you have been curious, yes?" "Yes Evie, I have, but..." "But...?" "When I think about it I end up coming back to boy sex." Evie nodded her head and thought about that then asked shyly, "Would you let me see you Zeb?" "See me?" I queried. "Yes my friend. May I see you in your nakedness." Any other kid from school would have shredded their clothes to do that for Evie. Me? Well I didn't know what to say. I was shy and nervous, freaking actually. What if I get hard? What if I don't, shot through my mushed up head. To cover this, I began a pretend strip. Evie got up, gave me a playful slap and took matters into her hands. Tenderly she kissed me. She always tasted sweet and a little minty and her lips were so soft and warm. Evie began carefully undressing me until I stood in just boxers. I felt like a nervous little kid. Her fingers traced my shoulder scar creating little tingly sensations. Then she kissed it and carried on across my chest and around my nipples. Her hand cupped my bits. The warmth from her hand and her soft grip, made me begin to chub up. Was I being seduced? Thoughts of doing the same to Keith ran through my head. Her caresses began weaving their magic and I could feel myself stiffen. "Oh!" Evie goes, "You are hard my beautiful boy?" I don't know what surprised me most, Evie making me hard, or her calling me beautiful. Only mum had ever called me that. Evie continued her gentle caresses, until slipping fingers into my boxers, pushed them down releasing my penis, allowing it to bounce up. "Oh!" she exclaimed I have never seen one like this. It is not like my little nephews. You are different. You have no skin." So, a short explanation and then, "Your friends are like this, no?" "No, Evie, I'm the exception. They have skin." What followed was an exploration of each other, a teen version of `I'll show you mine, if you show me yours'. Still fondling my penis, Evie said, "Undress me Zeb." Her face was flushed and she sounded a little breathless. The novice that I am needed help. Finally, demurely holding her bra against her chest, she stood in just her panties. Letting her bra fall to the floor, it was my turn to gasp. Evie was beautiful. Guiding my trembling hands, Evie showed me how she liked being touched. Her smooth satin skin was highlighted by her golden-red halo falling around her head and over her shoulders. That stunning colour reflected in the v-shaped patch that hid her secret sanctum. We experimented, both of us learning how to pleasure each other. The biggest surprise came when Evie told me to lie on my back, then straddling me slid down. That was something I wasn't prepared for. Wow! It was so different to anything I'd experienced before. I had to let her know I was about to cum and just in time, she lifted off. With a wet slap, my dick snapped back against my tum, spitting out streams of sticky cum. Evie's turn for fascination as she watched each spurt as it spattered over my tum and chest. Evie's whole body seemed to glow and her face was deeply flushed. OMG! We'd just had straight sex! My first girl, her first boy and I couldn't have been happier or surprised. Shamefully though, and no way did I let on, throughout our sex session, I had pictures of Keith and Jess popping in and out of my mind, but strangely not Darryl. Whether or not those images helped me reach orgasm, I don't know. But I suspect it did. The second time Evie and I made love we tried a range of positions. Evie even used some toys on me. A vibrating dido shoved up my arse was sadly, very distracting I have to say. Although I did get some thrills from it. Even though I enjoyed the sex session and love Evie, I know it's not possible for us to be partners and the reason is not just because she is returning home in August. I am a confirmed gayboy. We both know that. Never the less, we did continue our sex play occasionally throughout May and June. Usually we would caress and touch each other as we lay together in each other's bed on over night stays. Sometimes it became more physical and we went the whole way. Mum came down for a visit the first week of June and it was obvious it wasn't a spur of the moment visit. Surprise, surprise, it coincided with mid-year parent-teacher interviews! How the hell did she know? It wasn't something I'd told her about. Anyway, we went, she listened and I passed. My achievement was good but my attendance could be better. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad, but I got the one-eyebrow-raised-mum-is-not-happy look. She gave me a serve latter letting me know she hadn't said yes to me coming down here so I could socialise! That wasn't the only reason she'd come down though. Mum was a little introspective and quiet when she arrived and I was at pains to find out what was up. I guess she was waiting for the right time to tell me that she was seeing a guy she had met a long time ago, when I was a baby. A chance meeting when I was in hospital rekindled things and it had developed, as she put it. Mum nearly choked when I asked, "So are you boiking each other then?" She went read, stammered, coughed and told me not to be so rude. That's when I laughed. "So you are then," answering for her. Now, my mum can be very direct when she wants to, letting you know exactly what she means. Not this time. I think it took her nearly half a freaking novel to tell me that she and this new dude, Ryan, had hooked up and were seriously into each other. (My words, not hers). Mum looked so nervous and bugger me, shyly embarrassed, trying to explain. I laughed and gave her a hug telling her to go for it. It was about time and that I was really happy she had found someone, better that it was an old flame. After all, it was way past time for her to get on with her life. The relief on her face, as the say, was palpable. She fessed to me she was really worried I'd be upset about it. Well, no way would I be upset about my mum getting on with her life. She had given me so much at her expense. What I was upset about though, and let her know in no uncertain terms, was that she was considering selling our home and set up a new place with Ryan. I could have been a little less severe and not begun by shouting, "No fuckin way!" It progressed from there, downwards. I was shocked! Our little home held all my memories. It was part of us! The place I always believed I would forever come back to. I loved our home. I tried to explain what it meant to me, but in my shocked state, said it badly. We sniped at each other for a couple of days, something everyone around us commented on, until Gwen sorted us out, sitting us down and negotiating between us. I thought that ironic. She could sort out our differences, but not her and Jim's. I guess you see things differently when you are not emotionally connected. In the end mum said she would consider not selling. Unfortunately, when mum says she'll consider something, it usually means she'll do what she thinks is best, not necessarily what I might like. I hoped she would reconsider. My parting shot as mum flew home later that week was, "Please don't leave me homeless." On a Friday in mid-June, with typical Wellington weather, overcast, the promise of rain and a cold southerly breeze blowing, the sun couldn't have shone brighter or the sky be so blue, because Keith flew down for a weeks stay. I was waiting at the airport nearly two hours before his flight arrived, hardly able to contain my expectant excitement. Bouncing from one window to the next, impatient for him to land, I was halfway down the concourse when he came through the arrivals gateway. I never gave a shit what others thought as we leapt into each other's arms and all but fell to floor hugging the crap out of each other. How good to see him at last! The trip home seemed to take hours though it wasn't boring as Keith asked about all the touristy things. Around 12 we crashed through the front door, dropped his backpack on the floor and went for it. Our clothes made an obvious trail from the front door all the way down to my room. About two hours later, hungry yet sated, we snuggled together under the covers holding tightly to each other, talking quietly. We were full of questions but short on answers, happy to bask in the warmth of each other and the afterglow of the most sensational love making we'd ever experienced. It was plain to us both that separation, as far as love play went, was good for us. Reluctantly, we had to rise and so doing, showered together. I think we'd only been out and dressed about half an hour before Jake burst through the front door. Giving us both a quizzical look at our wet hair, though not commenting on it, his first action was to launch himself at Keith in much the same way I did (but with less dramatic outcomes). Keith, the patient guy he is, answered his endless questions, mostly about what Darryl and Jess were up to. Keith and I went out later to party with my Friday friends. Jake looked disappointed. Keith compensated by committing us to watch his game in the morning and that brightened him up. Around eight, we headed out to meet up with Evie. Keith and Evie hit it off from the get go. As the night wore on, it was like they'd known each other for years! Flynn gave me a quizzical look and a hard stare at Keith, though was pleasant when I introduced him. I was happily surprised how at ease Keith was with my friends, not fazed by the open gayness. He danced with me though I am hopelessly rhythmically challenged. He even got up with Flynn, though I guessed that was an opportunity to quiz him about a few things, given the constant glances Flynn gave me. We were happy to sit close together on a couch, arms around each other, watching others. Occasionally Keith would kiss me full on the lips. Whoa! How that made my heart leap! It felt so natural, and why shouldn't it be. No one gave a rat's arse what we did! Evie and her friend kept us company most of the night. We stumbled home a little after midnight, slightly pissed, but oh, so happy. Saturday we rocked up with Jake to his game. As it happened, Drew had a game at the same field. So did Flynn, but he didn't look too bright. I watched as Keith joined in with Jake, warming up before his coach called them all together. We were standing on the sideline, Keith shouting encouragement and advice to Jake, when Evie squeezed in between us. A kiss for each of us and then joined Keith in random shouting. It got pretty vocal. I hid my face! Game over, Jake goes off to change, we join up with Mike and his girlfriend to watch the rest of Drew's game. Keith asked me which one was Drew. I pointed him out and from then on, Keith watched him closely. I'd told Keith about Drew, so that shouldn't have surprised me. But I was somewhat. So was Evie. She watched Keith intently. Afterwards, all of us decided to go to the movies in the city. Jake was true to form, never shutting up. Fuck me! Save me from foot fairies! All the way in, all he and the others could talk about was bloody soccer! If it wasn't the games they'd just had, it was arguments about the merits or otherwise of the Euro 2016 tourney teams. I just rolled my eyes and looked out the window. Afterwards, we split up, Evie meeting up with her girl friend, Keith and I stooging around the city until quite late then returning home. Jake was sound asleep in the spare bed. That put a damper on our nocturnal activities! Sometime in the early hours of the morning, I woke to Keith's fingers gently tracing over my face. Even in the darkness I could see tears running down his beautiful face. WTF! That I was awake seemed to surprise Keith as he hid his face in the pillow. I was worried! I'd only seen Keith this way once before, when he came to fess up about the shit from last year. I hoped he hadn't returned to that. Gently, I lay my arm across his shoulders, shifting my head so I could whisper in his ear. I asked him what was wrong, careful not to wake Jake. I needn't have worried, as when Jake has a busy day, (and they're all busy; he's like the Energizer bunny,) he totally zones out. Glancing over, I could see he was facing the wall and his gentle, light snoring told me was out to it. It took a while before Keith said anything. What he said confirmed I'd made the right decision coming south. Between his soft sniffly breaths he managed to whisper "Sorry Zeb. I never meant to wake you. I gotta tell you something. I'll always have your back, you know that eh?" "Course I do Keith. Same goes for me." "Yeah, I know you do Zebby. But..." "But...what Keith? What are you trying to say?" He took a little time to answer and then rushed out, "I love Michelle. I really do." He paused. Taking the opportunity I responded, "I know you do. I've always known you prefer..." He cut me off before I could finish. "Yeah I do Zebby, but I still want this, us, all what we do. I love you Zeb, but I want Michelle more." "I know you do. I don't see what the problem is Keith." I responded gently. "You're my best friend Zeb, the best I've ever had. You've let me try stuff I'd never have had the chance to. I don't want you to think I'm dumping on you." "Dumping on me? What the fuck do you mean by that?" I queried. "You've never dumped on me, ever. I don't think you ever would." "I'm not making sense am I," he sniffed out. I don't want you to think I'm leaving you but..." There it was again, that pregnant pause; the unsaid thing. We lay there facing each other, waiting for one of us to say or do something. In the end Keith went on. "I love Michelle but I love you too Zebby. I love what we do and I do want to continue, but...I..." and then he rushed out, "...I'm confused about it." Then he held his breath. The quick look of surprise followed by my brows furrowing may have caused him to mistake my reaction. "Oh, shit Zebby. That's what I was worried about. Please don't be hurt." I couldn't help my self and let out a snorting laugh. "WTF?" He goes a little too loudly. What's the joke? I'm trying to tell you something." I hugged him to me and kissed his lips then his salty cheeks. "You goat. You beautiful, fucking great guy. I've always known it was girls you preferred. I don't expect anything else than the friendship we have. I've never had a friend like you either. I have absolute trust and honesty with you. All the rest is extra. It's really special and I love it. Yeah, I get buzzy being close like this; it just totally lifts me. But I'm never gunna risk what we have by pressuring you for more. I never want to end up like me and Jess." "What do you mean about you and Jess?" "Look, I love every fucking tiny millimetre of you. Every hair on your head, your cute little freckles and those sensational things down here," fondling his warm semi and soft scrot. "But most importantly of all, it's what's in here," caressing his head and running my fingers through his hair, " and in here," running my fingers over his cheek and resting my hand over his softly beating heart. "It's you who have given me more than anybody else. I never want to loose that. I never want to smother you and certainly not get to the situation Jess and I were in, having sex because we could, or something to do to fill in time or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but it was becoming a bit ho-hum. This Friday was THE most sensational sex I've ever had with you or anyone else for that matter. Absolutely, awesomely, wonderfully, sensational! No doubt about it. But if we do have sex, then it's got to be only cause we both absolutely want to, and it won't hurt anyone, especially you. If you feel confused about sex with me, then we stop. I wouldn't be upset if you said you didn't want to do this anymore." I paused, "Well, maybe a bit, but I'd still love you and be your mate." It was hard whispering all that so I stopped to gather my thoughts. "You needed time to sort out what you really wanted without me pressuring or influencing you. I needed space too, and while I've missed the shit out of you, the times we've been together lately, have been the greatest times. I've loved every minute of it. But I also want to be your mate and do usual mate stuff too. I don't want sex all the time. Am I making sense?" "Yeah Zeb. I just feel a little guilty cause you've done more for me than I feel I've done for you." I rolled on my back. I think Keith thought he'd said something wrong. "I think you think that too, eh Zebby?" "NO!" It came out a little too loud and I glanced back over at Jake, checking to see if he'd stirred. Nope! Still out to lunch. "Look Keith, that couldn't be further from the truth." I rolled back and faced him gently touching his face, thinking about what I should say next. I didn't want to worry him needlessly. "Look, I've told you about some of the weird shit I tried, the boat stuff and taking chances with the logging trucks, and by the way, before you go there, going over the bank was purely an accident. What I haven't told you about is what I call my annihilation phase. I seriously considered it though." Keith gave a jerk and lifted up looking down at me. "What? Why?" he asked incredulously. "I hated myself." I replied. "All that stuff with Jess and Sonny and even Joel, I guess was experimenting and curiosity for them. But it wasn't for me. I wanted it and wanted more of it. Whenever we checked out net porn, they'd get hard over chicks and I'd get hard over them getting hard. The times Sonny took us into gay porn, my mates would be disgusted by it. Go figure! But me, well I was interested. Anyway, when we jerked off looking at porn, they'd be watching it and I'd be watching them. When they talked about girls in primary, I'd pretend too. None of the girls excited me like they excited my friends." "I felt different, unnatural, dirty I guess. I loathed myself. Up the bush when I was alone I'd call myself all the shit names I could think. Then I'd end up bawling my guts out. I felt so hopelessly alone. I couldn't talk about it to anyone cause I felt so ashamed of what I was feeing, and of myself. When others would call gays shit names, I'd cringe and hurt inside. It got worse at high school. Everyone seemed to hate gays and all of that got too much for me." "Sometimes when I'd go fishing I'd stand up in the boat and rock it and try to fall out. I did a few times. I'd let myself drift away until I'd get shit scared and swim back. I'd even lift the anchor and let the boat drift and then fall out. Once I fucken near achieved my goal. I let the boat drift a little too far. The swim back became really hard. I made it obviously, but it was close. I'd feel guilty then, about hurting mum if I died." "Up the bush there's a bluff. It's about fifteen to twenty meters high I guess. I don't know exactly, but it's high and has heaps of boulders at the bottom. I'd test myself and sit right on the edge. Sometimes, when I was really upset, I'd sit there and push against the edge. I figured a quick push, a short fall, problem sorted. Going over the edge seemed more certain than playing chicken with logging trucks, or trying to drown. What stopped me was the pain I imagined I'd feel if I didn't succeed and lie there all broken up. I'd scramble back quick as, shitting myself, terrified about what I nearly did. I wanted to destroy myself, not just die, but disappear! I was ready to checkout cause I didn't think there was anything for me in life. " I stopped for a bit. It's hard trying to tell your life story in a whisper. Keith interjected, "You never looked sad at school." "Yeah well, a smile hides shit-loads, eh." I went on. "Then you came along. I'm not joking Keith. I had the hots for you from the very first day I saw you. But you were untouchable, always hanging with ur foot fairy friends. I didn't know how to go about getting to know you. Anytime we were near, I'd choke up with shyness. Anyway, what could I say. `Hey, bud, ur hot and can I suck your dick please?' Imagine that? I don't fucken think so." "Everything changed that afternoon in maths class. I was so convinced about the hopelessness of my life, that I didn't give a shit anymore. When I saw you hard that day, and by the way, you seemed to be hard constantly in maths, I went for it. If you'd told me to `fuck of you pervert', at least I would've had one time with the joy of my life. But you didn't. Even when I thought I'd totally grossed you out, you were good about it. I'm not bullshitting Keith, but sure as I'm lying here, a light went off in my fucked up head. I felt maybe, just maybe, there might be someone I could talk to. The rest, as they say, is history." "What you've given me is my life. You gave me back my life. You gave me the freedom to be me. You accepted me for me; allowed me to talk all kinds of shit without ever criticizing me. You brought me back when I was totally fucked, not just mentally but physically as well. That's why I love you so much, and always will. I owe you my life, absolutely. And I can never repay you for that. So I'm not gunna do anything that hurts, fucks you around or otherwise stops you being you." By this time it was my turn to be tearing up and they were flowing freely. "I had to go away to let you find yourself, just like you let me be me. So there you are. I was on the way out but you called me back. You never have to feel you haven't done much. How much is a life worth? That's what you've done for me" Keith was back to tears again. Fuck me, what prats we were. Clinging to each other, trying to keep our sobs down, not make too much noise, trying to keep to whispers. Bloody hell! Idiots. But it was nice too. Keith felt so good against me. In between the waterworks, Keith whispered, "Jeeze, Zeb. You really are a fuck-up, aren't you? But how I love you for it. I always will." I kissed him again. Pulling away from me, he looked me in the eyes and whispered, "Make love to me Zebby. Please." We had the gentlest love-play we'd ever had. Mainly because a fairly innocent kid was asleep in the bed across the room. Slowly and gently, we merged into each other, consummating our love again. We gave to each other, sharing our pleasure. We were one, as if we had melted into each other. I think it was the tenderest moment we'd shared together, connected physically and emotionally. Later that morning after an even later breakfast, Jake asks me what all the whispering was about. Fuck! What did he hear? "Ahmm...just talking about shit Jakey. Why? Did we wake you? We tried not to." "Sort've. I thought I heard a noise and it must've woke me. It was late though. What were you talking about?" He asked innocently. "Nothing much, just stuff," I go. Jake just gave me a curious look. Hmm, not for the first time I wondered how much he knew. Keith and I headed into the city and mooched around at the waterfront. Sitting on the edge of the wharf at the overseas terminal, we watching a school of sprats swirling in and out and around the wharf piles. Every now and again we would send them into a frenzy, dropping bits of burger bun to them. What sun there was tried to warm us, in opposition to the cold breeze nipping around our ears. Keith pulled me out of my contemplation asking, "What you told me last night, how come you couldn't talk about things to your friends?" I took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have said anything to you Keith. I never wanted to cause you worry and if I've upset you, I'm really sorry." "Don't be. If you can't talk to me, who can you talk to? I'm not upset, just concerned about you, is all. Why couldn't you say something to Jess? You two were real close." "Yeah, we were. I didn't feel he could deal with me being gay. I wanted his friendship more than I was prepared to risk loosing it. Even though I thought we had a relationship, it was only in my mind. Jess is more likely just curious and if he was gay, he'd be gay for Sonny, not me. Sonny I couldn't trust, especially after he set us up with his brother. Darryl wasn't on the scene so to speak and anyway, he was a total innocent. I had no one else." "What about your mum? She would've understood. Or why not your uncle?" "It took me years to fess up to mum. I couldn't tell her cause I didn't want to upset her. I also thought that no parent would want someone like me. Even now, though she doesn't let on, I think she's a little disappointed there won't be any grandkids from me. Jim, well maybe, but he'd moved down here and it wasn't something I could talk about over the phone. I like him and he's helped me with things, but I don't know how he would react even now if he knew I was gay." "Would you have done it for real, Zebby?" I thought about that one for a bit. "Nah. Don't think so. The idea of pain scared the shit outa me and I really didn't want to hurt mum. She's done everything for me and didn't deserve that" "I'm sorry you felt so lost Zebby." "Don't be buddy. You didn't have anything to do with it and besides, I don't think like that anymore, thanks to you." "You sure?" He asked. "Absolutely. I'm proud of who I am. I don't give a shit what others think. It's all good." Keith gave me a hug and whispered, "Hope so." The fish scattered, more afraid of what was swimming beneath them than the sporadic splashes our breadcrumbs made. Keith dropped what was left of his burger into the water and we watched it as it fell apart, slowly sinking out of sight. He turned to me. "You were angry the day you got boat-whacked. And the beach thing. Bit of a pattern going on, ain't there?" "Yeah. Bit of a family trait I guess. A quick flashpoint. Jim's got it, Jake, even mum can rark up quick as. You've seen me go off. All the shit I get into is pretty much when I'm raging. I know it's something I gotta deal with. Guess it's my big fault, eh." "We all got em," Keith muses. "Yeah? Well what's yours? I ain't seen any yet, far as I can remember." "Possessiveness. I'm possessive," he answered. "Eh? How's that then?" "I get possessive of my friends and it makes me kinda jealous. I was a bit jealous of Jess and Darryl. I want you to be with someone, like Drew for instance. Even though I'm with Michelle, I still want you to be mine. I can't own you and I can't keep you. Stupid eh." He stared intently into the water. I thought about that as the fish slowly congregated again, though no manna from heaven fell to them. We were all out of burger. "No, I don't think that's stupid. I think it's just the way we think about each other. We can't live together, but we can get together. I'm happy about that. This I can say without a doubt though. You will never loose me. As to owning me. Well...you do when you fuck me hard. You're dominating me and I don't mind that sometimes. In some fucked up way, I'm letting you know I'm yours. I'm giving myself to you." Keith looked at me giving a sheepish smile. A sudden silvery flash of a marauder hurtled through the swirling sprats, scattering them, diverting our attention. Slowly, as we searched to see whether it was either kahawai of kingi, the frightened fish engaged their `three-second' memory and re-congregated. Dropping a bubbly spit into the tide, enticing a few inquisitive fish toward it, Keith says, "Since we're having a guts spilling moment, what's really going on with you and Evie?" I'd told Keith everything about Evie and I except that we'd had sex. "Ahh...we sorta...umm...got jiggy with each other a couple of times." I rushed out. Keith fair near fell in the tide! His head shot up and round and had the hugest smile on his face. "You what? You fucken little tinker. When?" Then he threw his arms around me hugging me, very nearly making me over balance. "Umm... we started about six weeks ago," I casually replied. The questions poured out then. "How often? How was it? Did you enjoy it? How did this all happen?" I gave Keith a fairly in-depth account what we'd been up to, finishing with, "We fumbled around the first time..." "The first time? Fuck Zebby, how many times?" He exclaimed "Three or four. She even used some toys on me." Keith burst out laughing. "She what? Toys. What toys?" "Use your imagination. All I got to say is that they wiggled and vibrated. And before you go there, nope, we're not gunna borrow them." He laughed again. "Shame," he goes, "Could've been interesting." "I'm sure Evie would be happy to demonstrate on ya, Bonerboy," I tell him. Keith gives me that wicked, lop-sided grin. "So you big shit. You've been having girly sex eh." Then getting more serious, Keith asks, "Does that change anything?" "Sadly no." And I meant it. I explained I'd love to have what Keith could have with Michelle, or any other like Michelle. Though I was comfortable with who I am I would miss not having a family. It saddened me to think that nothing of my dad would pass on from me. "Evie likes girls and I like boys. It's always gunna be that way. That doesn't stop us loving each other though. We're just really good friends. We experimented." "Hmmm..." Keith ponders. "Always said I'd help you Zebby. Happy to do so again if you like, " and he cracked up again. "You dirty, horney, bastard. I think that's the part I love the most about ya." "Not what you said last night," he grinned. The fish had settled, all idling in the same direction, as we decided to move on. Arms around each other, we alternately laughed at our dumb-arse jokes, or reflected on our past, present and our futures. Keith told me he'd met mums new man, which prompted a zillion question from me; Keith quizzed me about the offer of work from John in Aussie; was more enthusiastic about me looking for work on a local mussel barge; both of us getting excited about going to tech later in the next year; me interested in Keith's prospects of a building apprentiship; both of us in deep discussion about me possibly working for Greg; and all through this we playfully took the piss out of each other. We were comfortable just being mates talking about our futures. We had the room to our selves that night. We took the opportunity, Keith owning me, me giving myself to him. A shower partially soothed me! In the morning Jake stuck his head around the door to tell us he was off to school. I was busting for a pee and could feel Keith was the same. Hopping up, we headed to the bog, sprayed pretty much everywhere and just got back to bed when I heard Jake say, "They're still in bed." A few seconds later Evie came in. She looked at us, said something in French that I guessed was somewhat abusive and surprised us both by undressing to her panties and sliding in between us. What happened next I leave to your imagination except to say, Evie got to know a lot more about Keith; Keith experienced a fantasy he had wanted with me for; and I had a pretty amazing body shaking experience. We slept for quite a while afterwards. Our shower together, though cramped, was very sensual. Evie and I took Keith around the CBD to all the touristy places during that week. We even managing to score a beer or five if we sat outside or in the restaurant spaces, though Evie had to buy them. We swam with Drew a couple of times and added to his dilemma when we both began to chub-up. Poor Drew, he never knew where to look. That week was great; so spontaneous doing stuff and not having to figure out how to get to places. We were mates by day and lovers by night. We decided to make as much of the opportunity as we could! Almost anytime, where ever we though it safe or convenient. I suspect we both knew sex between us was going to become a less frequent pleasure in the future. We ended that week as we started back with my Friday friends. Keith left Saturday morning with a rough southerly blowing, adding to the grey coldness. No bouncing from window to window this time. With my forehead pressed against a cold pane, I watched his plane grow smaller and smaller, until it disappeared into clouds. Loneliness set in and not wanting to go home, I decided to head down to the overseas terminal. I guess it made me feel closer to Keith somehow. For no other reason than they were there, I watched the fish. They swam, in no particular way, flitting and darting about, swirling this way then the other, mirroring the thoughts running around in my head. Where to from here, I'm thinking, sifting through the possibilities Ð go back north, head out west, or stay in the south. Every time I settled on one decision, like the fish, something would cause me to reconsider. Whatever direction I went meant separating from something I valued and needed - my friends, one group or the other, or both. I mooched about all that week. Evie was busy, though she rang to ask how I was regularly. I got my head down arse up trying to make up for the week away. My dean was also on my back! Though I missed Keith and felt lonely, I wasn't as cut up about our separation as I had in the past. I think we both knew the reality of our situation. We were no longer kids and accepted that as adults, our lives, though always linked, would follow different paths. The last week of term was a rush, finishing off work and getting ready for term break. I'm not sure whose idea it was, but I ended up going home with Evie, Drew, Flynn and Jake. Woo hoo, surprise mum! Jim also returned to the family home that week. Jake was ecstatic and couldn't contain himself. He quickly reverted back to his old self. Though he wanted to stay and be with his dad, both his parents gently encouraged him to come back with me. It gave them a chance to sort stuff out. Oh my God! What a bus ride! We took up the entire back seat and of course no one wanted to stay in the middle. I think the bus driver couldn't wait to see the back of us and I'm pretty sure he heaved a sigh of relief when we got off. Mum collected us in someone's borrowed people mover and despite the crowd, was really pleased to see us all. Even more so when I explained Flynn would be staying with Darryl. She was especially pleased to see Evie again. Jake and Drew gave me a sideways look when we sorted out sleeping arrangements; Evie and me up and those two down. Saturday we caught up with my north friends. Hanging at the mall, each was a little curious about the others, despite Darryl and Keith knowing them. I felt like a tennis ball, bouncing from conversation to conversation. Something that became obvious, was we had all moved on. My home friends had a shared history that was not part of mine. I felt a distance between us. It was another reminder of how going south had changed my life. Sunday, mum and I took my friends touring the area, with Darryl providing a running commentary. Evie was impressed with the area and loved it. When weather allowed, Evie and I would walk in the bush. Jake spent a lot of the time with Darryl and Flynn, with Drew tagging along. I couldn't help thinking he felt a little left out. As much as I could, I included him in what Evie and I were doing. In the middle of the week, Evie went to Auckland with Mum, and Jake decided to hang with Darryl and Flynn. That gave me an opportunity to spend time alone with Drew. It was too rough to go out in my little boat so Drew asked if I would show him the swimming hole. I agreed, but told him the recent heavy rain might prevent us getting to it. Never the less up the bush we went. As we made our way up we kept to safe topics, until we reached the entrance only to find the water level was too high to get through safely. I told him he'd have to come back in summer. He looked at me asking, "Really? Can I come back?" I smiled and nodded. Walking back we never said much at first, just enjoying each other's company sharing small talk about school, our friends, sport Ð more safe topics. As we progressed down the track, our discussion became more and more personal. Drew asked me about Evie, and Darryl and Flynn. My response was, "What do you think?" "I dun know. I think Flynn's gay. He came on to me a year ago but I told him no. But...I was...tempted. I kinda wanted to but was scared people might know." "What? Know you did stuff?" "Yeah but...that I..." "That you're gay?" I queried. "Oh!" He blushed. "How do you know?" "I just do. Gaydar maybe. I am too." And smiled at him. "Oh!" Instantly he relaxed, though looked a little puzzled. "I thought Evie and you were together." "No. Just really good friends." "Really! You're gay. You're not bullshitting me." "Yes, and no I'm not bullshitting you." "All this time! Fuck! We could've done stuff. Why didn't you? I would've let you. That time tutoring, why didn't you kiss me? I knew you wanted to. I certainly did." "Because I wasn't sure what you'd do and I didn't want to put you in a awkward situation." We'd stopped by this time, standing quite close together, looking at each other, wondering and waiting for one or the other to say or do something. Drew has beautifully shaped, fine lips that easily crease into such an incredibly warm smile. I'd wanted to kiss him for a long time and slowly leaning forward was just about to, when around a bend up ahead came Jake, Darryl, Flynn and Jess's twin brothers. Shit! Foiled. Long story short, I went back home, Drew joined up with the others. That night Evie dropped a bomb! I always knew she was heading back to France and her parents, but I thought that would be nearer the end of August. She had she decided to head back the following week. We had two more days together! I was stunned. I never thought Evie going home would affect me so much. Once I got my head sorted, we talked it through. I suggested we have a goodbye party. She said no. I suggested we have a Bastille party instead, which after a little coaxing she thought wasn't a bad idea. So we did. A dress-up theme party. Everything French. We were surprised how eagerly our friends, (and families) got into it, despite it's impromptu nature. Some how, God knows where from, rosettes, and little flags appeared throughout the next day. Jake and Drew got busy making Madame La Guillotine; Darryl and Flynn rocked up as two old hags, complete with knitting! There were too many strings of onions and garlic, false or otherwise, French bread sticks and our mum's got busy cooking French food. Evie had a big hand in that. Unfortunately, or perhaps luckily, most of my friends had to work next day, so our soirŽe was over by eleven. But not before Jake and Drew put the guillotine to work on a bread stick. The knives that they filched from mum's knife bloke, (which sent mum ballistic), hot glued on a crappy piece of ply wood, managed to bruise, bend and scrape a few crumbs from the surface, before the blades fell off as the frame collapsed, much to the cackling laughter of two old hags, frantically knitting! Edith sang for us, as did a myriad array of other French singers, lots of close dancing and just a really happy time. Later that evening, the boys dragged their bread-bashing machine, minus knives, out to the incinerator for a ceremonious burning. The cold night had us huddled together as we watched the remains of Madame La Guillotine consumed by the warming flames. I was reluctant for the night to end. Evie and I spent a warm, close and loving night together. We woke to the tragic news from Nice. Evie was inconsolable. Though her family was nowhere near the murderous attack, she was deeply troubled. Had she been able to, she would have left for France then. Nothing I or anyone else, could say would comfort her. I felt helpless and inadequate, and more so because she was returning to Wellington the next day. That night, Keith and Michelle arrived to keep company with her. They stayed! In the bedroom below! And I was a little restless about that. Keith below and me above, both with girls in our bed beside us! Despite our brave words, it was a little hard to get my head around that. Jake and Drew slept in the lounge. Saturday morning early saw hard and sorrowful goodbyes. Though I claimed I'd visit Evie in France, in my heart I felt it would be the last time I would see her. Evie insisted I not come to the bus to say more goodbyes. At least, I thought, she would have some company as Jake and Flynn returned with her. I watched as mum's car took her down the street and, as it turned the corner, Evie was gone from my life. I felt empty, a part of me going with her. I was no company to be with. I spent the morning in my room, leaving Drew to his own devices. I know that was unfair; I just wanted to be alone. Drew pulled me out of my self-sorrow. He brought me to my senses when he tentatively came up to me, letting me know he thought he should go home. I realised how left out he must have felt, not just that day, but also the whole week. I pulled him down on to the bed letting him know I wanted him to stay and that at last I had him to my self. He beamed at that and quizzed me did I mean it. What followed was a long talk about me and Evie, him and I, Keith, Flynn, pretty much everything really. We hugged. I so wanted to kiss him. I wasn't disappointed. Sensuous, soft and warm, such a gentle touch. Just a fraction apart to let the tips of our tongues caress for mere seconds. Neither of us breathed. The sparkle in Drew's dark-brown eyes always alerts you that at any moment, an incredibly warm and open, though some-what bashful smile, is ready to erupt over his beautiful face. That's what I saw as we separated. And if I didn't have a love-crush for him before, I certainly had one now. That kiss was all it took for a part of my anatomy to roar into sexual life. And Drew felt it; hard against his narrow waist, his own eagerness, pushing out the front of his trakies. I struggled to hold myself back. Back to those beautiful lips, his ears and neck, lips again until I hoarsely whispered, "I've wanted to do this for so long." "Me too," he squeaked. That was it! Hands caressing, exploring, touching eagerly. Oh how hot his steel-hardness felt. That little skin-halo gave me extreme excitement, gently brushing my finger over it; those oval, hairless orbs, so firm in his silken purse; his long, thin fingers, soft and warm around my stiffness, gently stroking me closer to an enormous sticky explosion. Then from below, "I'm back boys. I've brought you lunch!" Fuck, fuck and more fucks! We looked at each other, desperate in our needy sexual lust, knowing fulfilment would have to wait. Needless to say, Drew decided to stay the rest of the week, and we had a great time together! As I write this we're a few days from our seventeenth birthday. The plan is for our families to meet at Taupo on the weekend after. I'm looking forward to that. I'm leaving school at the end of this term, September, and out to work! I can't go to tech until I'm eighteen as that's the age for a student loan. Aussie is still an option, as is going home. I've been looking at applying for positions as a deck hand on mussel barges at home and also in the Marlbourgh Sounds. The sounds sound great. Not too far from Wellington, (across the strait) and easy enough to get home. My friends and I are all heading in different directions. We are close and i know we will always stay in touch. Jess is being headhunted by two rugby clubs and looks to be on his way to a pretty special sports future in Taranaki. Darryl is reconsidering whether to go to Wellington after all and is looking at Otago or Auckland. We caught up the last week of the term break. I asked him how he and Flynn were. He simply said, Flynn's fun and i like him, but not as much as you." We grinned at each other, knowing what that might mean. Drew and I had some really GREAT time together and he has become a pretty special person. However, he's also very interested in Flynn and I have no doubt they will find a way to hook up pretty soon. I've kept in touch with Evie. She isn't all that happy, not just because of the home situation, but other stuff as well. I think she may return sometime. I hope so. Mum has kept in touch with her as well and seems even more hopeful than me. That just leaves Keith. The love of my life, my confidant, best friend, mate, my everything. He's all but signed up for an apprentiship with a local builder and is likely to start that in the new-year. Before returning south, I had a long talk with Greg. Seems Keith had told him all we talked about and what I told him. Greg reassured me that Keith needed me as much as I needed him. He also pointed out some parallels between Keith and I, and him and John. He asked me not to stay too long away from Keith and him, though understood why I'd decided not to come back home just yet. Not to put pressure on me, but he repeated his offer of a job working with him. It's very tempting. I can't stop the heart-aching longing I have for Keith and don't want to pressure him in any way. I'm afraid that he might resent me for that, and if he did, it would be like a death to me. I'm uncertain how to let him know when I need to be with him, so will leave it up to him. It's probably not ideal, but it's the best I can think off for now. Maybe staying away for a while will reduce my longing to a dull throb. The past four years have taught me a number of things. Firstly, screaming at the universe from the top of a hill, or shouting into the wind on a lonely beach, may be somewhat stress releasing, but it changes nothing. I'm gay. I always will be and I can't change that. Some things I doubt I can have, unlike Keith. That saddens me a little, more for mum's sake I guess, but I am comfortable with who I am and that's been my lifesaver. I cringe a little at how much personal detail I have included in this narrative, but writing it has been good for me. Strangely perhaps, reading back over it helps me understand why and how I reacted to things. My primary teacher was right! It has been cathartic. I know there are others who have experienced worse things than me. I truly really empathize with and have compassion for you. To those of you who wrote to me, thank you so very much, especially my online Texan and London friends, you know who you are. You have lifted me and made sense of so much I've had trouble sorting through. In turn, I hope something of this has helped others. I'm not parting from Keith, but I need some space Ð for me. I don't know what the future will bring; I guess I'll face it when it happens. But there are two absolutes I do know. I'll always have Keith in my life, but I won't sit next to him in maths class again. Thanks for reading. Zeb.