Max’s Awakening

“Noah and Jackson’s late-night talk”

An Interlude

By craigpwriter888@tutanota.com and J

Authors’ Notes:

As we were exploring the idea of Jackson discovering what Noah and Max get up to, it felt like an important conversation to include and we thought it could be a fun addition to the story as an interlude. Usually, we’d tell this from the third person perspective, but thought it might read more authentically and meaningful from Noah’s perspective, so that’s what you’ll read below. 

Also, this was originally submitted as an addendum to Chapter 44, but we thought it would be better as a standalone chapter so we could link to it from Craig’s side. If you noticed it but then saw it was gone, you weren’t imagining things. Below is unchanged from what was (temporarily) at the bottom of chapter 44.

***

I’ve cut across Craig’s driveway and lawn a million times, but this feels different. My head is spinning. I know Max was just trying to make me feel better when he shared, but I can’t believe he and Jackson did stuff together. Or that Jackson has fooled around with guys, period. It isn’t like they need my permission or anything, but Max is my friend and Jackson doesn’t give two shits about him. It feels weird — like Jackson used him.

Of course, people could say the same thing about me; that I’m just using Cam and Max to get off. But it’s different. We’re friends and do all kinds of non-sexual things with each other. Plus, they’re super into it and it feels good for all of us. Jackson is older and doesn’t care about him like I do.

I guess Craig is way older too, and Max swears he enjoyed that. That still seems so gross and weird. I love Craig, but he’s all old and hairy and stuff. I don’t understand why Max would be attracted to him, but it really does seem mutual. It’s still a trip to think he and Max shacked up in Mexico, and that Craig is basically a pedo. But he’s always been good to me and genuinely cares about Max. 

It blows my mind that Jackson has done things with other guys. I always just assumed he’s 100% straight. I guess he is, right? I mean, I still am even though I do things with Max and Cam. But that’s different. We’re buddies and just learning about sex and stuff. I’m in the middle of puberty, Jackson shaves and can drive. Him being with Max is like me hooking up with a fifth grader. I shuddered. That would be sus.

Still, it’s just getting off with a buddy. And Max said Jackson’s friend was from when they were in middle school. So besides asking Max to blow him that one time, something I’ve done myself a bunch, who knows whether he’s been with another boy since he was my age.

I flopped onto my bed, tired but wired. The room is dark except for the glow of my lava lamp and a sliver of the streetlight piercing through the blinds. I rubbed my forehead; like that’ll stop the headache.

I laid there for who knows how long, my thoughts racing, when I heard a tap coming from the bathroom. Jackson and I both have doors leading into it from our bedrooms. 

“Noah, it’s me. Max texted and I think we should talk.”

Fuck, it’s Jackson. I wonder whether he’ll go away if I lay here long enough.

I heard Jackson sigh from the other side. “I’m coming in, so if you’re jacking off or something, put it away because I don’t want to see that.”

So much for privacy. I guess I can’t have Max to myself, so why assume I’d ever have a closed door respected?

It creaked open and the light from the bathroom night light shined in my eyes. Jackson tiptoed across the threshold before turning and slowly pushing the door shut behind him.

“Look, I’m sorry if you thought I was being an asshole earlier. I really don’t care and I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about it,” Jackson offered quietly, standing in the middle of my room. He seems genuine. Maybe he really is trying to not be a jerk for a change.

It isn’t like we’re at war or anything, but Jackson has barely had time for me in years. I guess he did step in a few weeks ago when Dad came at me with a belt, after I was rude to Mom. I didn’t expect that either, when Jackson got between us and told Dad to stop. Maybe he’s maturing?

“Max mentioned he told you about him and I last spring,” Jackson began slowly. He bit his lip. “And about James.”

This is so awkward, but he isn’t denying any of it. I didn’t think Max was lying, but I also doubted Jackson would ever admit to anything.

I took a breath. “I’m not gay. It’s just, you know, about getting my dick wet.”

Jackson, encouraged by my response, smiled and walked across the room to sit on the edge of my bed.

“I know. I’m not either, but getting off is getting off and most decent girls are all proper and shit.” Jackson commiserated, giving me a weak smile.

“Yeah,” I muttered resentfully, “but wasn’t it weird for you, with how much smaller Max is?”

“Not really. I did stuff with James when he was the same size,” Jackson justified. “It’s not like Max is a baby. He knows what he wants and can grow pubes and stuff. I know how crazy horny you are in eighth grade. And besides, it was just a blow job.”

I shook my head. “I guess that’s true. But it’s like me diddling a ten-year-old, and that would be wrong.”

Jackson nodded. “It would be. I’m just saying, Max is no little kid even though he’s still kinda boy-like. Ten-year-olds aren’t off looking for sex. Max is.”

Whatever. He can rationalize it however he wants. He does have a point, though: Max is hardly innocent.

“Plus, come on, you know he’s pretty. If he were a she you’d think Max is hot.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know girls think he is but I don’t pay attention to that.”

“Yeah, okay. I’m just saying — we’re straight, not blind. And you know, he still sounds like a chick and is soft and smooth like one, too.”

It occurred to me Jackson must have thought about this a lot. Fantasized, maybe. Still, he isn’t wrong. He’s actually being super chill and honest, so I decided to lower my guard.

“Yeah. I was surprised how much he moans and writhes around when he’s getting fucked. It’s hot, to know you’re making another person do that.”

Jackson grinned wide. “I bet. Honestly, I’m kind of jealous. I’d be lucky to get a hand job from a girl, but you’re fucking someone. My little bro is growing up,” he teased.

I laughed. It’s actually kind of nice talking to someone else about it who isn’t gay. If he’s going to be cool about everything, this could be positive.

“So is Max,” I joked. “Honestly though, it surprises me how much he enjoys it. The idea of getting fucked makes my skin crawl, but he’s so into it and I want to get off, so why not?”

Jackson paused. “So… how does it feel?”

It was interesting, him looking up to me for a change.

“Max?” I asked playfully.

“Stop being dense. Yes, Max. His ass,” Jackson replied, annoyed. He gestured his finger into a round hole with his hands. “Fucking. What was it like?”

“Good. Really good. I was worried it might be gross, but it isn’t,” I described. I wonder why he’s asking. “Don’t you already know for yourself, from James?”

Jackson shook his head and leaned against the wall, perpendicular to me.

“We never got to that. We had been jerking together since the middle of seventh grade but only tried oral a few times before we got caught,” he shared. “I didn’t like doing it to him much, but he sure enjoyed sucking me. It felt good and I was horny, plus he was my friend — just like you and Max — so I thought it was harmless.”

“It wasn’t?” I asked tentatively.

Jackson paused. He seemed to be mulling over his words. “I think it could have been, but his crazy parents installed cameras around the house and caught him blowing me one day after school. It was only like the sixth or seventh time.”

Yikes. Caught on camera would be brutal. It reminded me about Cam and Max telling me not to cam with chicks online.

“He didn’t want you to fuck him?” I asked. “I guess I get that. Max likes it, but who knows how common that is.” I thought of Cam also enjoying being skewered, but held back that particular detail.

“He really wanted to, but I thought it was too gay and dirty. I was actually open to it, I just didn’t want him to think I was bi or whatever and start crushing on me,” Jackson shared. “He always initiated everything. Er, at least at first. I thought there was a good chance he was actually gay.”

Ah, typical Jackson. Arrogant, assuming he’d be such a good fuck his friend would be helpless and fall in love with him. It’s interesting, though, that he assumed James was probably gay, but was still his best friend. Clearly it didn’t bother him.

“James basically had me convinced to try butt stuff, but I didn’t want to be rushed so we were waiting until our sleepover Friday night. We got discovered on Wednesday, and I hadn’t seen him since, until a couple months ago.” His voice cracked. I think he’s holding back tears.

I felt a surge of sympathy toward Jackson. That would be rough. I remember how often James was around — until he just wasn’t. I feel really dumb now never asking what happened to him. I can’t even imagine suddenly having Max out of my life. Even aside from getting off, he’s my best friend and that would fucking hurt.

Jackson could sense I understood and wasn’t judging him as weak.

“His parents totally freaked out and were apparently big homophobes. He managed to send me a message saying he was sorry and that his parents were making him say goodbye, which was super confusing and worrying since I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t realize until later they had discovered what we were doing, and then his text finally made sense,” Jackson explained. He seemed to be staring off into the distance. “They even yanked him out of Olympia and enrolled him at Widmer with the rich bitches, I guess because I was such a bad influence. Like there aren’t any dicks to suck in private school,” Jackson added bitterly. “I did finally reconnect with him on social media a year or so ago, and we met at Starbucks once, but it was awkward and we don’t really talk much.” 

He paused. I didn’t know what to say.

“He was basically my best friend through most of middle school — then he was suddenly out of my life, just like that. It was really hard at first, especially since I didn’t even know if he was okay,” he admitted. “We had a couple of mutual friends, but it isn’t like I could fill them in about what happened.”

I nudged his side with my foot. He’s being really vulnerable with me, which I know is hard for him. “That sucks,” is all I could muster.

“I’ve mostly made peace with it, but yeah, it did. Mom and Dad were worried I was depressed for a while, even made me talk to a counselor a few times. I really didn’t want to, and it was pointless, but they insisted. They knew I was mortified about anyone finding out, so our code was ‘soccer practice’.”

I remember that! Jackson had already stopped hanging out much with me, but I recall he turned into a complete jerk during eighth grade. He was just so surly and mean about everything. It never occurred to me he was going through something. 

“I thought it was strange you had all these practices but never seemed to have any games,” I remembered. “That sounds really hard though, not knowing if your best friend is safe. I’d be really worried about Max if he didn’t have Stacy and Craig or our parents supporting him.”

He nodded but didn’t respond. We just sat there in silence for a few seconds. 

“Were you… you know, depressed?” I asked cautiously. 

“Yeah, for sure. I never told anyone, but there were several nights I got so upset thinking about everything that I cried myself to sleep.” I sat up and crawled toward him. I couldn’t help but put my arm around him. “It’s funny, I had this recurring fantasy that something would happen to his parents and we’d adopt him or something. Stupid, huh?”

I’ve never heard Jackson be so solemn, nor this open with me. “Nah, I get it. I think our brains come up with all kinds of weird shit to make us feel better. I wish I’d have known. I would have tried to be there for you. I guess it’s good Mom and Dad were on top of it?”

“I guess, but the whole situation sucked ass. I don’t want you to ever have to go through that,” Jackson stated, patting my leg. “Or Max. I’d never wish anything bad on him, either. He has always been okay.”

Acknowledging someone is ‘okay’ is high praise from cool Jackson. It was short lived, because he immediately returned to form.

“So, c’mon… how did his ass feel?” he asked without any trepidation.

I’m pretty sure he changed the subject because things were getting too emotional, but I didn’t call him on it. Instead, I laughed. Here we were, having this meaningful moment, and he brings it back to getting off. 

“Hot, wet, and really tight. But nice, not weird or nasty at all. And like I said, you feel powerful when you can make someone else orgasm.”

He rocked back and forth. I bet he boned up right then. 

“I think he offered his butt to me earlier.”

Oh boy. Okay, we’re going there.

He continued. “I mean, I’m curious. I bet it feels good. You obviously like it and you’re straight.”

This took a strange turn, but I also understand his curiosity. 

“He might be willing, I dunno. But please don’t do anything when I’m around, and I don’t ever want to know about it,” I declared. How’s that for tacit approval?

“Fair enough,” he acquiesced. 

Since Jackson is being blunt about my gay friend, it seems only fair to grill him about his own. “So, how the hell did it go down with you being caught?”

Jackson closed his eyes. I don’t think he was trying to be dramatic, just wincing at a traumatic memory.

“It sucked. He fired off that one text I mentioned before they took his phone, and that was the last I heard from him,” Jackson began, his voice trembling slightly. “Then that night, Dad came to tuck me in like he did when I was younger, which made me suspicious something was going on. He started by saying James’s parents called.”

“Oh shit,” I replied. I would have been mortified.

“It was the most embarrassing conversation of my life. But honestly, Dad was really chill,” Jackson explained. “He told them he thought they were making a big deal out of something common amongst boys, but they were super homophobic and he didn’t think James would be allowed to contact me again.”

Ugh. That sounds horrible. At least Dad was nice.

“He also said he understood because he also had a ‘special friend in middle school’ and knew ‘having fun with them doesn’t make you gay’.” Jackson used air quotes, so their discussion must have really stuck in his memory.

Whoa. I wasn’t expecting that. “Dad? Our father? Adam Reed?” I asked incredulously. “He was experimenting? With other dudes?”

“Apparently. He didn’t go into details, just said what I told you, but it was obvious what he was getting at.”

“Huh.” I’m genuinely curious. It’s odd that all three of us have had similar experiences and are all still straight. “I wonder what all he did and for how long it went on.”

“Same, but he didn’t offer and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to ask. I always wished we could talk about it more, but everything just felt too weird. Plus, I think most parents are hardwired to think of their kids being sexually active as something to mourn.”

So, Dad had his own Max and Cam when he was my age? Jackson did, too. What a strange night. Maybe it isn’t so rare after all, just no one talks about it? 

“I’m just saying, I don’t think he’d be shocked or upset if he had overheard you instead of me.”

Interesting. Better Dad than Mom, I guess. Still, I cringed at the thought. “I wonder if Mom knows about what he got up to when he was a kid.”

“I dunno. I’d assume so? Then again, Mom never said anything to me about it, and I remember how relieved I felt when he told me he wouldn’t give her details. He assured me he left it vague,” Jackson shared. “He only relayed that James’s parents were overreacting about some awkward but normal boy stuff. I have no idea whether she just didn’t care and trusted him to handle it, or was oblivious to what he meant.”

I definitely would never want to have her find out about what I do with Max or Cam. “I somehow doubt she’d be as cool, but maybe if she knows about Dad so she doesn’t think it matters.”

“Possibly. My whole point is that I’m not going to say anything to them, but if they found out, I don’t think they’d freak out,” he tried to reassure me. “And even if for some reason they did, I’d still be here for you.”

That’s… one of the nicest things he’s ever told me. I felt compelled to reciprocate. “I just wished I could have done something, you know back then, when you were hurting.”

Jackson let out a little laugh. “In a way, you did,” he replied.

I was confused. “How?”

He turned to his side and slung his arm over me and pulled me tight. “By being the same little shit you always were. It was one thing that didn’t change when everything else was swirling like crazy. We might have bickered, but it was never serious,” he explained, before pausing. He was still holding me. “Do you remember how you used to sneak into my room at night, when you were little?”

“Yes,” I answered, slightly embarrassed. I hadn’t thought about it in years, but the initially faint recollection came rushing back. I used to wake up in the middle of the night scared about something. Instead of calling for our parents, I’d just crawl into bed with Jackson. I was probably seven, maybe eight, the final time. I really don’t remember tons of specifics, and it wasn’t like it was every night, but I do recall that he never made fun of me for it and I always felt reassured. I smiled. “I liked that. You never complained. You’d just scoot over and pull your blanket back over me.”

“I liked it too, making you feel better and being close and stuff.” Jackson pulled me tighter. It was clear he didn’t want to leave, and I didn’t want him to, either. We haven’t ever talked so honestly or deeply before, and haven’t had a bonding moment like this in years.

“Then you became this big, bad teenager and I was an annoying little kid all of a sudden.”

“Oh Noah,” Jackson began, rubbing my shoulder. “It wasn’t all of a sudden. You were always annoying.”

I snorted and he started laughing.

“But you aren’t any more, and I need to remember that,” he said, almost to himself.

“It was tough, when you went from playing with me and letting me hang out in your room to being constantly made fun of and not able to do anything right,” I admitted. I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone that, even Max.

He sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you, but it was a really confusing time. Now you know how much puberty can suck and how it is with guys, always trying to seem tough and cool and funny,” he admitted. “And when you’re the oldest, you don’t have any frame of reference or anyone to talk to, besides your idiot friends. I didn’t want to talk to Dad about being perpetually boned or my constant horniness.”

I nodded. “I know. I guess I’m lucky since I have Max, and Cam, to explore stuff with.”

Jackson raised an eyebrow. “Cam too?”

“Yeah. Actually, he was my first fuck. Max has been blowing me since spring, then Cam started over the summer, but we didn’t try butt stuff until a few weeks ago. I never really intended to, it just kind of happened when we were all sleeping over at Cam’s. I’ve only done it with Max twice and Cam that one time.”

Jackson shook his head, laughing. “Jesus. You have four orifices to choose from and I’m stuck jerking off.”

I beamed. I guess I really am lucky.

“Yeah, but it isn’t just about that. They’re like my bros, especially Max. We don’t have any secrets, you know?”

Jackson seemed wistful. “I did, when James and I were tight. I have friends now, lots of them, but it isn’t like it was with James. Maybe it’s different when you’re older.”

“Or maybe it was different because you trust someone on a different level when you’re doing sexual stuff and keeping it secret,” I opined. There has to be some truth to that. They’re intimate acts; how can it not increase your bond? I know Cam, Max, and I are closer because of it. 

I leaned my head against his. “You still have me. I never went anywhere.”

Jackson was quiet. Finally, he replied. “I know. I’m sorry I forgot that for so long. I haven’t treated you how I should.”

Wow. That’s big of him.

“Thanks. It’s okay. I get it, younger kids can be obnoxious and babyish about stuff,” I said. “Not that I was ever like that,” I added, my tongue planted firmly in my cheek.

Jackson laughed. “You were running through the woods after school and trading Pokémon cards when I was sneaking porn and getting blow jobs. You seemed super juvenile to me then.”

“I'm not so little anymore,” I joked, elbowing him for effect and giving my crotch a subtle squeeze. “Max insisted I loosen him up before we did it, since I’m noticeably bigger than Cam.”

“Us Reed men are pretty well endowed, I think,” he beamed. “So, what does that mean? Like fingering and stuff?”

“Yeah. I figured it was good practice for a girl. I was worried he’d get shit on me but it was all good.” Oddly, it didn’t seem strange talking to Jackson about my encounter with Max. I would never have considered it just a couple hours ago. Things have clearly changed between us. 

“I think as long as you’re careful about when you do it, it’s probably fine,” Jackson stipulated. “Did you eat him out?”

My face contorted. “Seriously? I'm not going to lick his butthole. They do it with each other and it’s too much.”

“To each their own, but I don’t think it really matters. It could be good practice for performing on a girl, too. James’s butt didn’t stink or anything and looked nice enough I guess,” Jackson admitted. “I dunno man, pussy is pussy. Even touching his dick is just being a good friend and helping him get off, like he does you.”

I’m not sure what he was trying to say exactly, but it’s obvious Jackson has pondered this before. I guess with everything that went down, that makes sense. It’s almost like he has unfinished business and feels like he missed out when he was younger.

“Maybe you see it differently when you go from getting serviced pretty regularly to nothing at all. I make out with girls some but it never turns into anything more,” he said with a hint of frustration.

“Yeah, that’s how Ashley is! She’ll kiss and hold hands and stuff but told me she’d castrate me if I ever tried anything else.”

Jackson groaned. “They don’t know what they do to us. Get us all wound up and leave us with blue balls.”

“She even joked I’d have better luck with Max or Cam than her. I took that as standing permission,” I joked.

“Sounds like it. And I don’t blame you. Enjoy it while it lasts, because trust me — it may not,” Jackson advised. “Yes, it’s fun to fool around with a friend and get some relief from your horniness, but use it as a way to practice and improve so when you finally get to be with a girl you know what to do and can last.”

He makes a compelling point. “You sound kind of like Craig.”

Jackson turned to face me. “You’ve talked with Craig about this?” Shit. I probably shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t sound suspicious or anything, but still.

“I talk to Craig about most things, and so does Max. Plus, I was nervous about doing stuff with other boys and was having a lot of anxiety after fucking Cam the first time.”

Jackson seemed shocked. “Craig’s always been cool, but I’m not sure I’d discuss my sex life with him. It’d be like confiding in Dad about it.”

“I think that’s why it’s different. He isn’t Dad but is still a man, not another ‘idiot friend.’ So, it isn’t icky or awkward and he doesn’t act like a dumbass.”

“I guess that’s true,” Jackson acknowledged. It’s like it had never occurred to him Craig could be a non-parent adult to talk to about sensitive topics. “So, what did he say? Clearly you’re still doing it.”

I thought for a second. I don’t want to imply anything about Craig, and definitely need to steer clear of anything related to him and Max.

“Like always, he listened and didn’t judge. He gives good advice, you know that,” I began. Jackson was playing close attention. “He basically said the same thing Dad told you: it’s pretty common for boys my age to experiment with same-sex friends and reassured me that enjoying it doesn’t mean I’m not straight, just horny and desperate for relief. But he also said some guys justify it as training for a girl.”

“I guess I’m not surprised he’s chill,” Jackson responded. “So, why did you have so much anxiety after your first time?”

I laid back down.

“I think it was a few things. It occurred to me I wasn’t a virgin anymore and couldn't believe I lost it to another guy. That was a mindfuck. Plus, I worried that maybe I really was bi since I enjoyed fucking another boy so much,” I shared. “Anyway, Craig explained that’s not how it works and I’m not doing anything wrong so long as it’s mutually enjoyable and no one is forced or coerced to do something they don’t want to.”

Jackson laid down beside me. “Interesting. First Dad has that attitude, now Craig. I wonder if Craig ever did stuff, too.”

Shit. I’m not getting into that.

“Might be men just remember how bad it was for them and know they would have if they could have. Or, it could be as simple as they figure it’s better at our age to do stuff with a buddy than risk getting a girl pregnant.”

“I wonder how common that attitude is with adults,” Jackson posited. “I thought dad was super chill about it, but I guess I assumed most parents would freak out more like James’s did. Maybe most adults think it’s okay for boys to experiment? Or possibly it’s just the ones who did it themselves as youth, until they could bag a girl.”

“I dunno. Probably more likely with fathers than mothers, since they get what it’s like to be a teenage boy. Cam’s dad is also fine with it, but his mom isn’t cool with him being sexually active. Neither is Max’s mom.”

“Almost seems like it’s a male-female thing, but then James’s dad flipped out about us, so it definitely isn’t universal,” Jackson said as I got up to take a leak.

I plopped back on my bed next to him. “No, but then, most things aren’t universal, right? We both have friends whose parents are super strict and others who are way too lenient,” I said.

“True. Thankfully, ours are pretty relaxed but not so much that everything is a shitshow. Some people are train wrecks and their parents don’t give a fuck,” Jackson agreed. “Of course, caring too much can be a problem, too. Like when Dad took off his belt. I still can’t believe he did that.”

Everything was going so well, and flowing so naturally that I’m taken aback he went there. I guess as open as we’re being, it’s fair game. He was there for me then, too.

“Tell me about it. It was embarrassing enough getting spanked in eighth grade, but getting my ass shredded like that was the last thing I expected. Daddy was never like that.” I shuddered.

Jackson patted my arm. “I know. He was justified in being pissed about you calling Mom a bitch, but I’d never seen him like that before.”

I rubbed my butt on instinct. It occurred to me I had never thanked Jackson for intervening. He tried to come talk to me after it happened, but I just yelled at him to go away.

“Me either. He never spanked either of us often, and it had been years. I thought I had aged out but he pinned me down like it was nothing and just gave it to me.”

“When we were kids, I remember thinking you getting lit up was funny. Like yep, Noah’s being a brat, it’s about time he gets punished,” Jackson admitted. “But a few weeks ago… that just made me feel bad for you.”

I didn’t respond right away. I honestly wasn’t sure what to say and needed a moment to collect my thoughts. 

“He apologized later and promised he’d never use a belt or any object, ever again,” I shared. I took a breath. “I never thanked you for stepping in, but I should have. You didn’t know how he’d react and you shielded me and told him to stop. That took a lot of courage, but I was too humiliated to ever bring it up.”

Jackson scoffed. “It was the right thing to do, for both of you. I didn’t want you to get hurt, but also knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he took it too far,” he clarified. “You would have done the same for me.”

I wish I believed that, but I’m not sure I would have had the balls. He’s always been more level-headed than me in tense situations. 

He yawned and stretched, checking his phone.

“Holy shit, it’s after three in the morning! We’ve been talking for hours.”

“No shit?” I grabbed my phone from the nightstand to confirm. Time flew.

“We better get to sleep. Mom would be pissed if she knew we were up so late during the school year, even if it is the weekend.”

He rolled away and sat up. “I’m glad we talked, Little Bro. We need to make a point of doing this more often. You know?”

“Me too. We need to hang out more, before you go away to college.”

He ruffled my hair, which he used to always do to pester me.

“Just remember, you can’t turn my room into a love nest for Max or Cam when I’m gone,” he ribbed. A few hours ago, I’d have been offended and super-defensive by a comment like that, but it felt different now. He was teasing how my friends do, not harassing. It occurred to me that maybe he always thought his comments were playful and I was too sensitive?

“Don’t worry, we won’t use your pillowcase as a garmuc,” I replied, not missing a beat.

He groaned. “You’re disgusting, but I still love you.”

Wow. I don’t think he’s told me that in years. “You’re just jealous, but I love you, too.”

Jackson started to get up. “Wait!” I exclaimed, stopping him.

“What?” he asked. 

I was suddenly sheepish. Still, things had gone so well, I don’t think he’ll be mean. 

“Maybe we could have a sleepover… like when we were little?”

I was sure he’d laugh, or tell me we’re too old for that, but he didn’t. “Okay,” he answered. “Be right back.”

He locked my door, then his, stopping to piss on the way back. After washing his hands, he climbed into bed beside me.

I quickly grabbed my phone to text Max that everything is good before inching closer to my older brother. He instinctively draped his arm over me, like I was seven again.

If you’d have told me this morning I’d be up half the night having a heart-to-heart with Jackson about gay sex and our insecurities and shit, then basically cuddle in bed together, I would have laughed you out of the room.

It’s odd. When Jackson initially confronted me, I felt nauseous and was sure he’d tell. But Max was right, I just needed to give him a chance. It’s surreal to think how effortless the last few hours have been. It’s kind of sad it took this long, but it’s like I have my brother back.

My eyes are getting heavy. I melted into my bed and pulled the comforter tighter. I feel so warm and content — so safe and loved.

What could have been one of the worst nights of my life turned into one of the best.

***