Max’s Awakening #49

By craigpwriter888@tutanota.com and J

Author’s notes:

In our last chapter, Chad finally got his comeuppance and with the stress of that erased, Max is happier and more settled than he’s been in a longtime. They had dinner with the PI who did Chad in. The boys even managed to secure Bob’s agreement to host a Halloween party. We pick up the story next day…

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Chapter 49

School on Friday was uneventful, other than several people asking why I’m so happy. I know I suck at lying, but I didn’t realize my crankiness has been so obvious. It’s true, I am on a high now. Chad’s comeuppance was just what I needed. For the first time in weeks, I truly have nothing to worry about. To be honest, even I never realized how much he was weighing me down. I didn’t dwell on it, but it must have been lurking in the back of my head. That weight has been lifted, and I feel free.

It was Liam who noticed first, as we hung out in the hall before school. “You seem happier than normal,” he commented as we walked toward class. “Did you and Cam sneak off at practice last night or something?” he added in a whisper, smirking. 

“I wish. It’s not that. But yeah, I’m in a good mood,” I admitted. Maybe someday I can trust him enough to explain why. Of all my friends to confide in about something sensitive, Liam would top the list. Seb could probably relate, too. But it’s just too risky at this point.

Seb noticed too, at lunch. “You don’t normally laugh this much, and you’re even talking louder than normal.” Jamie is home sick, so I wonder if he’s just noticing me more? 

“He’s right,” Noah agreed, flashing me a smile. Of course, he knows exactly why I’m so relaxed.

Mr. Tim stopped me after lunch, checking in to see if the rest of my week has been uneventful. I assured him it has. None of Dom’s friends even so much as looked my way. I was worried for nothing. 

“That’s good to hear,” he offered. “You seem upbeat.” Of course, Tim can read my mood. 

“I am.”

“Big weekend plans?” he asked.

“Nah. Still grounded,” I replied. I have nothing on the docket, other than going to see my therapist after school. I was stressing last night, but haven’t even thought about it since Mom reminded me this morning. “Just happy it’s Friday, I guess.”

“Well, whatever the reason, it’s nice to see,” he said, smiling and offering me a fist bump. “Have a good weekend, but don’t give your mom any gray hairs.”

I rolled my eyes and shot back. “She only gets those when you call her.”

***

As I caught up to my friends on the way back to geometry, Seb pulled me aside.

“Hey. Can we talk for a second?” he asked, his voice uneasy. 

I looked at him quizzically. “Sure?”

He gulped. “Did you say anything to Jamie about my, um, teacher friend at Widmer?”

My eyes widened. “Of course not. That’s not my business to talk about, and as far as I know, Noah is the only other person at Olympia who even has an inkling, and he would never say anything. Why?”

Seb looked around to make sure no one could hear us. “Jamie asked ‘the real reason’ I transferred here and said he’s heard rumors about a ‘sevvie fag’ who ‘gave head to their teacher at Widmer’.”

Shit. Jamie never mentioned anything to me. Other people know and are talking about it. It dawned on me that Seb was quiet all through lunch (other than noticing my happiness). I guess I just assumed he was bummed Jamie wasn’t there.

“I swear, I didn’t say anything and he never mentioned anything to me. When did he ask?”

“Yesterday after school. I told him it was too complicated to get into over text, but he’s sick today. Said he woke up with a migraine, but I dunno. I get it was just a text, but he seemed weirded out.”

Ugh. Seb doesn’t deserve to have that crap follow him.

“I haven’t heard anything, but I’ll check with Noah. We’ll have your back if anyone gives you shit,” I promised him. “Do you want me to loop in Mr. Tim? He’ll help squash it.”

“No! He’ll call my parents for sure, and they’ll flip out, force even more stupid therapy, and homeschool me for sure.” 

Poor Seb. He sounds so dejected.

It occurred to me how relieved Seb was when I mentioned having a therapist myself. I wonder if it would make him feel better if he knew I was headed back.

“It won't come to that. Look at my situation. I was sure my life was over after the Spartan Night and then the nonsense with Dom this week, but Mr. Tim was right. People move on super-fast,” I said, trying to reassure him. “Can I tell you a secret?”

Seb looked at me eagerly. “Yeah?”

“I get your concern about more therapy. That’s how I’m starting my weekend, going back for the first time since the spring,” I admitted. “I’ve gotten in trouble a couple of times lately and my mom and Craig are concerned about my temper, so they’re making me go back.”

He looked at me funny. “That sucks. But since when do YOU have a temper?”

I laughed. I guess Seb’s never really seen that side of me. Honestly, it’s usually reserved for Mom and Craig. “It flares every now and then. I’m not thrilled, but I also don’t blame them. And who knows, maybe it’ll help. At least my counselor is chill.”

“Mine can be, but sometimes I don’t think we’re on the same wavelength. It’s super awk.”

“We’ll have to compare exercises and see who has to do the cringiest stuff,” I suggested. Seb smiled. Mission accomplished. “Do you have plans with Jamie this weekend?”

“I’m supposed to spend the night tomorrow. But I don’t know if it’s on or not with him being sick today. I really need to talk to him though.”

“If it’s just a headache, I bet he’s fine tomorrow. Jamie has dealt with those for a while, and he normally bounces back quickly.” When he was younger, he’d get these brutal migraines that would keep him out of school two or three days at a time, but they’ve gotten better.

“I hope so.”

***

I’m honestly not sure why I ever dreaded going back to see Jan. It was actually nice talking to her again.

“How’s my favorite client?” she asked as we walked back to her office. “You’ve grown! It’s been so long since we’ve talked. I’m anxious to hear what you’ve been up to.” 

Now I know that might be the kind of thing a therapist would say to ALL their patients, but it seems genuine. Talking to her is a lot like talking to a friend. 

“I’m good,” I answered happily, before realizing there must be more to it, or I wouldn’t be there. “Mostly,” I quickly added.

“Glad to hear. Sit down and let’s catch up. Are you still spending time with Mr. Peters?”

“I see him ALL the time. He’s awesome. He even took me to Mexico for my birthday,” I explained. “Honestly, I think of him as my dad now.”

She smiled and jotted something in her notebook. “Is that so?”

“Yep. I even call him Dad sometimes.”

“And he doesn’t mind?” she asked with surprise in her voice. I sense she’s confused. “Are he and your mom…”

I laughed. “No, it’s nothing like that! Craig is married. His wife Kim is great, too. She likes to make me breakfast when I sleep over.”

“I see. That sounds like a great situation. I’m sure your mother appreciates the support.” I nodded. “And what else has kept you busy? I assume gymnastics still takes up a lot of your free time?”

“Yes, plus school and my boyfriend.”

She perked up. “‘Boyfriend’?”

“Yes, Cam. I think we started dating right around the time I stopped coming. We were keeping it a secret, though.” I honestly can’t even remember if I ever broached Cam with her.

“Oh? Why is that?”

I explained about his homophobic mother and how I was nervous to tell Mom. 

“But it’s all out in the open now?”

“Yes. Everywhere, even at school.”

“How did that come about?”

Oh boy. How do I condense this story down so it doesn’t take our whole session? I briefly explained how Cam and I broke up, because of my screw up in Mexico. I didn’t get into details, but mentioned I fooled around with another guy. It was kind of embarrassing, but to my surprise, she didn’t flinch.

When I got to the sleepover debacle and how Cam snuck into the school dance in hopes of reconciling, I could tell she had to subdue her reaction. I know she thought it was cute as hell. Of course, I also told her about Brady and the fight and getting suspended.

“Well, that’s quite a way to come out. How has it been since?”

“Honestly, in a lot of ways, I’m glad. I mean I’ve caught some flak but it still feels good to be myself and not have to hide anything.”

“Hopefully any teasing has been minimal?”

“Mostly. I did get this on Monday,” I added, pointing to the remnants of my black eye. “Plus, some name calling and people not believing me, which was annoying. There was also some nasty stuff plastered on my locker one day.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“It was rude, but no big deal,” I replied, shrugging. “Over Labor Day weekend, Craig and Cam’s Dad took us up north to a lake cabin. I posted a couple pictures of us and someone printed them off and wrote some homophobic and threatening stuff. I just ripped them down.”

She scribbled more notes. “Being assaulted and harassed doesn’t sound insignificant.”

I sighed. “You sound like Mom and Craig. And my friends. And the school.”

“You disagree?” she asked. “Why do you think everyone important in your life feels the same way?”

“I know it’s because they care, but it doesn’t mean I like the attention or being pitied. It’s irritating,” I explained. “I'm not being constantly gay bashed or anything. It’s been a few jerks a handful of times, and my friends have always had my back.” I pause, unsure whether she believes me. “People get more crap for being fat.”

“You don’t think you’re minimizing things? Sometimes when we’re uncomfortable or overwhelmed, a defense mechanism can be to dismiss unpleasant realities.”

“No! I just don’t like being seen as some victim. Besides, getting shit is like a rite of passage in middle school,” I said, slumping in my chair. “And I dunno, maybe after having real problems to deal with makes this stuff seem, like, trivial in comparison?”

“That’s understandable. What does Cam think?”

I laughed. “He always wants to beat their ass. Noah too.”

She looked back at a previous page. “Noah is your best friend, correct?”

“Yeah. He and Cam are tight now too. It’s great since we’re all so close.”

“That's nice. Having solid social connections is vital, and sometimes new relationships cause strain on existing friendships.”

“Nah. Only a little at first, when I started spending so much time with Cam and Noah didn’t understand why. Once they started hanging out, everything clicked. Craig jokes we’re like the Three Musketeers. He’s so old,” I said, snickering.

“Tell me more about Craig. You mentioned you view him as a surrogate father, and even call him Dad. It sounds like you’ve become close.”

“Yeah. Mom is great and I love her. She’d do anything for me,” I said, leaning forward. “But it’s different with him. He’s just so easy to talk to about everything. There’s some stuff a guy just doesn’t want to talk to a girl about. Especially their mother.” I cringed a little at the irony. Here I am bearing my soul to Jan, also a female. But it’s so different when it’s your mom!

Jan raised her eyebrow. “That's certainly understandable at your age. Especially if you’re sexually active.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. I guess I already indicated I messed around with Eduardo, and it’s no secret that Cam and I do stuff.

“Yeah, Mom isn’t thrilled with that. We had a pretty big fight about it, when she first found out about Cam and pieced it together.”

“Parents usually aren’t. But you feel like you can talk to Craig about those things?”

I paused. I’m not oblivious to the potential risk involved discussing this. I need to choose my words carefully.

“Sure. He doesn’t freak out or get judgmental. I’m not saying he approves, but he’s at least realistic. He knows a lot of boys our age experiment, and if we choose to do stuff, he says we need to be safe, respectful of each other, and considerate of those around us. He gets on us big time for PDA.”

“Those are all healthy and reasonable expectations. That’s being courteous.”

“Right. And disappointing him is the worst,” I said, groaning slightly. “But it’s more than just about guy stuff. He can read me like a book and knows how to get me to calm down if I’m getting upset.”

“Oh? Even more than your mom?”

“Yeah. Mom and I are close but I dunno, I was used to my dad being a jerk. With Craig, even if I’m being bad and am in trouble, he isn’t rude or mean about disciplining me. I know he still loves me and just wants me to learn my lesson and be a better person.”

She nodded. “So, he has taken on a parental role and actually assigns consequences?”

“Yeah. Mom’s given him carte blanche and they tag team. It’s not like when my actual father was around and he’d just yell at me or hurl insults.”

Jan pursed her lips. “I recall you and your father did not have a warm relationship, and he could be demeaning and belittling.”

“He’s an asshole. Craig is the total opposite.”

“Have you had any contact with him?”

My leg started bouncing. “Not really. He randomly wrote me a letter not long after we got back from Mexico and asked me to visit. But then he also said some homophobic stuff so it was more upsetting than anything.”

“I can imagine how disconcerting that would be.”

“Yeah. It was actually Craig who made me feel better. I wasn’t out to Mom yet, and besides, Rick is a sensitive topic for her,” I explained. “But Craig always knows just what to say or do to make me feel better. He treats me how I assume dads are supposed to treat their sons.”

She smiled. “It certainly sounds like he’s filled that paternal role for you. Having a strong, positive male influence is so important for a boy your age.”

I nodded. “Even when it’s over the top. Like he and Mom were mad when they met with the principal after I got the black eye on Monday.”

“It’s great you have multiple loving adults in your corner. Unfortunately, not everyone does.”

“That’s what Mr. Tim says too.”

She looked up from her notes. “Who is Mr. Tim?”

“He works at the school and who you get sent to if you’re in trouble, but he’s always really nice and helpful,” I explained. “After everything at the dance, when I got ISS, we talked a lot. He really looks out for me and can, like, read my mind. I joke he’s like my School Craig.”

Jan’s lip curled slightly. “Interesting.”

Hmm. That feels like a strange reaction. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, really. It’s just interesting how attached you’ve become to a couple of different paternal figures,” she said, pausing. I shifted a little in my seat. I feel called out, and like she’s assuming because I’m gay I’m looking for men. It might even be true, but could also be perilous territory. “It makes sense, considering your father’s behavior and prolonged absence, but it’s a marked change from our earlier sessions.”

I’m sure I blushed, but tried to minimize. “It’s just nice, being treated decently and having someone to talk to who gets what it’s like… you know, boy stuff a mom doesn’t get.”

“That’s completely understandable. Your experience with men throughout your life has not been positive. It’s pretty common for boys in early adolescence to idolize or even want to emulate an older teen or adult male. It’s a tricky time of life to navigate.”

I tried to deflect with humor. “Yeah, although it’s not like I’m trying to be like them. Their jokes are so lame,” I said, laughing. “But yeah, they’re nice and they care about me, even when I’m being bad.”

She looked up from her pad. “You keep referring to ‘being bad’ but you’ve never really had behavior problems and it’s certainly not something your mom has ever indicated. Why do you think you’re ‘bad’?”

I looked away. “I wouldn’t say I think I AM bad, but I mean like when I’m making bad choices and being disrespectful or rude.”

“I see. Does that happen often?”

I didn’t really respond. “Max?”

“Sometimes. More recently,” I finally said. “I don’t mean to be. It’s not like I’m trying to be a brat or jerk, I just get angry and say things I regret later. That’s why they wanted me to come back here.”

“I see. That matches with what your mother reported when she made your appointment,” she said. “Why do you think you’ve been experiencing more anger recently?”

I can’t explain everything that’s made my world so topsy turvy and shrugged. “I’m not sure. Puberty maybe?”

“That’s definitely possible. Testosterone surges are real. But I also know you have strong feelings about your father.”

“For real, but I don’t think about him much.”

“Of course. But considering everything, it would be understandable to react angrily if there are unresolved issues,” she posited. “You mentioned he wrote and asked for you to visit. Have you considered his request?”

I shook my head. “Not really. His letter set me off. Plus, I’m out now. He didn’t even like me before, and he hates gay people.”

“That's definitely your prerogative, but his circumstances might provide him a different perspective and things could, potentially, improve between you,” she suggested. “And even if it doesn’t and you have no interest in maintaining a relationship with him, it could provide closure. I recall you haven’t seen him since his arrest. How long has that been now?”

I thought. It was spring of sixth grade. It’s now the fall of eighth grade. “A year-and-a-half or so.”

“That's a long time. Do you think you’re harboring any anger toward him?”

I glared at her. “Well yeah. Wouldn’t you?”

“Definitely, but I also hear you don’t like it when you get angry, and maybe it is your unresolved issues with him that continue to bubble up with other people, even when it isn’t warranted,” she stated. 

“I really don’t think that’s the problem. Honestly, I barely think about him!”

“Sometimes feelings are deep. My point is, closure might be a good thing — to confront him with how he’s made you feel your whole life, to say nothing of how his crimes have affected you. But only you can decide whether that’s something you’re interested in doing.”

She might have a point, but I didn’t say anything. I don’t want to think about him. Not when I’m finally feeling happier again.

“Maybe.”

She waited for me to say more, but when I didn’t, she eventually continued.

“So, when your anger boils over, what does that look like?”

I winced a little. I don’t like reliving my worst moments.

“Yell. Say really mean or rude things.”

“Not unlike how your father would treat you?” Jan asked pointedly. I folded my arms. Mom worried I might be taking after him, but I don’t think that’s true. She just doesn’t know everything that’s been going on. “Like you’re trying to hurt them? But just emotionally, not physically?”

“Yeah. Just words,” I reiterated, grabbing a pillow to squeeze. “I don’t mean to hurt anyone. Like I’m not usually trying to mean, stuff just comes out. Sometimes it isn’t even how I feel and I don’t know where the hell it came from.”

“And who does this happen with?”

“Mom. Craig. Noah a little recently, although he was being a jerk too. Plus, this girl at school who won’t accept that I’m gay and keeps hitting on me,” I replied, sighing. “She said I was making up being gay for attention because I don’t have a dad. Plus, she confronted me in front of everyone and accused me of trying to get her in trouble, which wasn’t true.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No. She got handsy twice, rubbed my butt and chest. She also offered me, um, oral sex,” I recalled. Jan barely reacted but I could have sworn I saw her nose twitch. “But adults saw both times and talked to her. When they asked me what happened, I was honest. But I also told Mr. Tim that I didn’t want her to get in trouble. He still called her parents and she was pissed.”

“So, you blew your top on her?”

“Pretty much. I really tried to be patient and ignore stuff; I still was, and she came at me.”

“I take it that wasn’t well received?”

“No. She ran off crying and ended up going home early. I said some really mean things. But I also, um…”

“Yeah?” Jan asked.

“Sort of explained to her, rather graphically, how I know I’m gay.”

She turned her head for a moment, I think to laugh. “Which was TMI. But you also feel justified and hurt because you’ve tried to be kind and not get her in trouble.”

“Yeah! But everyone was staring at me and now knows exactly what I get up to.” I know I should feel embarrassed telling her, but it’s honestly kind of nice getting it out.

“Did you get into trouble?”

“No. Mr. Tim called Mom and talked to me about it. Which sucked because it was embarrassing but also because he wants me to be an office aide, so I have to stay out of trouble.”

“Sounds like he trusts you — which seems like high praise from someone who spends all day around youth your age. He knows a lot of people.”

“Plus, he thinks I could be a good role model for others,” I told her. “Gay kids I mean. He says I’m well-regarded and could help people who are figuring things out.”

“That sounds like a day brightener, to be held in high-esteem by someone you respect. No wonder you don’t want to disappoint him.”

It sunk in that she got me to admit twice I don’t want to disappoint men who aren’t my father. That seems like a topic best left unexplored. It’s time veer back.

“I don’t like disappointing anyone. That’s why it sucks when I get in trouble — not just consequences, but knowing I let someone I care about down.”

“I think that’s a healthy attitude. It shows you’re connected and invested in your relationship, which so often become tumultuous with authority figures as adolescence progresses,” she stated. “So, when your anger or attitude gets you in trouble, what happens?”

“Normal stuff. I get lectured. More chores. I’ve been grounded twice this month,” I described. “But we always talk too. Like have a conversation and hug it out.”

“With your mom? Or Craig?”

“Both. Mom and I have always communicated well. We had to, since he was such a prick,” I said. “But like I said, Craig always knows how to make me feel better. Even if it takes a little time to sink in.”

“It sounds like you really value his opinion. You mentioned earlier ‘disappointing him is the worst.’ More so than your mom?”

“Kinda? Like I hate disappointing her too, but she has to love me unconditionally. He chooses to. He doesn’t have to do anything, but he still does — even when I’m being a jerk.”

“How does Craig react when you’re being a ‘jerk’?”

I grabbed one of her fidget toys and inspected it. “It kinda depends. Usually at first he’s understanding and tries to, like, soothe me. But if that doesn’t work and I keep saying stuff, he’s honest and will call it out. If I’m really not listening he’ll raise his voice and tell me my behavior isn’t acceptable and I need to stop.”

“That sounds like a normal adult reaction.”

“Yeah. Craig actually initiated my current grounding. And extended it a week because I was really pissy and not listening. He and Mom are on the same page. I don’t get away with anything,” I joked. “But they’re fair. I always deserve it when I get in trouble.”

“Because you feel bad about what you did? Or because they’re disappointed?”

“Both. I mean I can see I was being dumb or said something rude, and I always feel bad knowing I’ve disappointed them, but it’s usually because I know I was wrong.”

“I see. You mention ‘consequences’ and not being punished, which is how a lot of youth describe it. What’s the difference to you?”

I thought for a second. Liam and I just talked about this. “Like, they give me natural consequences for when I’ve done something wrong because they want me to learn and not do it again. I think punishing someone is more, like, unpleasant and meant to be embarrassing for doing something bad. Like a penalty you have to pay. My father used to punish me, sometimes for no reason, so I know the difference.”

“Interesting perspective. And you never get punished? Now, I mean.”

“Not usually. I guess Craig did spank me a few weeks ago.”

Jan’s eyes widened. “What happened?”

Ugh. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that. But I guess now that I have, I need to explain. Carefully.

“It was right after the dance. Mom was cool with me being gay but not when she realized Cam and I have, uh, been doing stuff for months. She came down on me and I lashed out.”

“What do you mean?”

“She said I’m not old enough to be having sex and if we couldn't be appropriate we wouldn’t be allowed to see each other anymore. I flipped out and said some really nasty things.”

“Such as?”

It took me a few seconds to remember exactly what I said that night. It seems so long ago, even though it’s just been a few weeks. Once I recalled them, I actually felt a little sick to my stomach. I’m not proud of the shit I spewed. 

“Like, she’d have realized what we were doing way earlier if she wasn’t so preoccupied with getting drunk. She actually poured out all of the wine later that weekend, which was a nice gesture,” I explained. “I don’t remember everything. I think I called her a bitch and some other really vile things. I felt bad but I was so mad and even when she made some peace offerings I was still a dick.”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Not usually. When I thought she was going to take Cam away, right after we finally made up, I lost it,” I admitted, staring at my feet. “The dance was on a Friday night, so I blew up after we got home and was terrible to her all weekend. We had to meet with the principal Monday morning and I treated her the same way. Mr. Tim went off on me, which wasn’t a good feeling.”

“I’m sure. So how does Craig fit into all this?”

“He met her for lunch and she was a mess, crying. Stressed and upset. I was already feeling bad after Tim ripped into me, and Craig picked me up from school and started in on me. I got defensive and said some horrible things to him. It’s like I couldn’t stop myself.”

“And that’s when it happened?”

I scratched my neck. “Yeah. Right over the couch. I yelled I hated him and ran to my room crying.”

“That sounds intense.”

“It sucked, but I was also being kinda dramatic. Like sure, it hurt, but he wasn’t abusive or anything. I was mostly upset because I knew I had crossed the line badly if Craig of all people was to that point,” I explained, thumping one of my wristbands. “Plus, I thought I was too old for that, but both Cam and Noah got whooped around the same time by their dads too, so I guess that’s still a thing in eighth grade if you mess up bad enough.”

“You still seem close. It didn’t seem to harm your relationship.”

I shook my head. “No. If anything, it made us closer. He treats me like I’m one of his kids,” I said. “He said we needed to tell Mom but I begged him to keep it between us because I was so embarrassed and had already stressed her out so much. We talked and cuddled and stuff and I felt better.”

Shit. I should not have said we cuddled. That could be easily misconstrued.

“Your Mom always said you were an affectionate child. With Craig too?”

Danger. Danger. I have to be careful and nonchalant. “Sure. He gives good hugs. And encourages me to give Mom a couple of hugs a day too. That’s not weird, is it?”

Jan laughed. “No. Sure, as someone grows up they need less and less physical reassurance, especially as sexual interest develops. Still, it isn’t rare for someone your age to still enjoy affection from their parents, especially when they’re stressed. But, it’s usually done in private, unlike with younger children.”

Whew. She doesn’t think it’s strange. “Yeah. Cam still snuggles with his dad, although not so much with his mom since she’s a lot. Noah is pretty close to his parents too.” Noah isn’t exactly affectionate with them in the same way, but he is still pretty huggy with Craig. I didn’t get into those specifics, though.

“Like I said, it isn’t uncommon in private, but does steadily wane,” she explained. “It’s nice you’re close enough to be open and vulnerable about still wanting your parents. That is not as typical.”

I shrugged. “My friends still talk about their parents quite a bit and it isn’t usually bitching about them. Maybe I just have nice kids for friends?”

“I'm sure you do. That’s actually very healthy, to not be embarrassed by your parents or afraid to admit you enjoy spending time with them. So, you don’t think anything of hugging your mom in front of your friends?”

I shook my head. “No. I love her and that’s not a secret. Besides, hugs are nice. Like I’m not going to hang off of her but, I’m not ashamed to greet or say goodbye with a hug or like chill on the couch together,” I answered. I avoided mentioning how I will absolutely sit in Craig’s lap or curl up against him tightly. “I guess I just don’t care what anyone thinks. I hug my friends too. It’s no big deal.”

Jan smiled. “That's definitely less common, to not care what peers think, but it sounds like a mature perspective and will help you guard against negative peer pressure. I can see why Mr. Tim wants you for an office aide.”

“Yeah. That will be fun.”

“So, your mom doesn’t know about the corporal punishment? Just that she gave Craig, what was it you said, ‘carte blanche’?”

“Oh, she does now. We told her after the fact. That’s actually when she said Craig could do as he sees fit to discipline me when I need it, just to tell her so she can support whatever. But Craig has said he never wants to do that again and I’ve promised not to give him a reason.”

“It's good you have open lines of communication. That’s often lacking, especially during high-stress situations, like right after being spanked.” She tries so hard to hide her reactions, but I can tell she’s very pleased with how it all played out.

“Right after, once we made up, I wanted to apologize to Mom. I’d already written her a letter but he helped me make a nice dinner; even went to buy a couple of ingredients while I cooked. He’s always really supportive,” I said. “Honestly, as ugly as I was acting for a few days, it ended up being a nice night that brought me closer to both of them. It’s like I needed a shock to break my asshole cycle and reset. And of course, Mom loved the dinner and forgave me on the spot.”

“Well, I’m glad it worked out and was only the one time. I’m not personally a fan of spanking as a parenting tool, but you are correct that it is not unheard of to still occur at your age,” Jan said, speaking more directly than she has. “I only worry about it if it’s occurring excessively.”

I exhaled. Crisis averted.

“I don’t mean to rush you, but our time is almost up. Is there anything more you’d like to discuss today?”

“Not really. I’ve made a couple of new friends at school, so that’s been nice. My language arts teacher likes my writing and encouraged me to enter into a short story contest. I think things are turning for the better.”

“That’s great. I know you aren’t interested in counseling every week, but I would still like to see you a time or two more. This session was mostly to catch up and see where you are. Next time, I want to work with you on ways to better recognize and manage your anger before it explodes. Fair?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“You’re making me feel old, Max,” she said, laughing. “Although I always appreciate good manners.”

“That's Cam’s influence. He’s from Texas and being polite is a big thing in his family. I’ve just kind of picked up on the sirs and ma’ams and pleases and thank yous.”

“That isn’t a bad thing. Some peer pressure can be positive.”

I grinned. “He likes to compete in everything. He actually thought he was faster and I smoked him. I guess being polite is another thing we have a competition on even if we don’t realize it.”

The alarm went off. Our time is over. Jan got up, walked toward her desk, and handed me a notepad and pen. 

“Since you mentioned writing, I would like you to keep a log or journal and bring it in the next time we meet. Write down every time you’re feeling annoyed or angry. Include details about the situation and include how your body feels. If you can keep it with you and do it right then, even better.”

***

Jan walked me back to the lobby, where Mom and Craig were sitting. Wait, Craig’s here?

“Hey sweetie. Good session?” Mom asked.

“Yeah. Except now I have homework,” I teased. Jan laughed.

“What are you doing here?” I asked Craig as I leaned in for a hug. I hope that didn’t come across rudely. I’m always up for bonus Craig time. 

“Jan wanted to meet after you finished,” Mom answered. “Considering how much time you spend together, and how attached you’ve become, I invited Craig.”

I guess that makes sense. He knows what makes me tick, and it’s nice she sees that and doesn’t resent how important he is to me. Still, I’m not sure how I feel about being talked about by everyone right after spilling my guts.

Jan picked up on my uneasiness. “Don't worry, Max. I won’t share any of your plans for world domination. I don’t want to be on your bad side when you take over.”

I rolled my eyes but giggled. “Your jokes are bad too.”

“Apparently, I’m in good company,” she said, facing Craig and extending her hand. “I hear you and Mr. Tim both have terrible dad jokes.”

Craig feigned offense. “My sense of humor is nothing if not refined and high-brow,” he said, ruffling my hair. “What lies have you been spreading?” I leaned my head against his shoulder.

“Honey, you can wait here and read the magazines, or there’s a DQ down the block, if you want a snack,” Mom offered. 

“We’re meeting Kim for dinner, so don’t spoil your appetite,” Craig added. “But I know how famished you usually are after school.”

Nobody told me we had dinner plans. I wonder what’s going on? 

I hadn’t even thought about it since I was so occupied, but I really am hungry. As if on cue, my stomach rumbled. 

“Well, that settles that. Here,” Mom said, digging in her purse and handing me $5. “Come straight back. I don’t want to have to go looking.”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks,” I said, shoving the bill in my pocket, right next to my stupid Gizmo.

“We’ll only be a half hour,” Jan said. “It was really nice seeing you again, Max. Don’t forget your ‘homework’.” She put air quotes around that, teasing my characterization.

***

The DQ only had a couple people working and was slow. While I waited to order, I reflected on my session. I was worried about slipping up, but I’m pleased I was able to talk about Craig and how much he means to me without mentioning anything that would arouse suspicion.

Unfortunately, consciously avoiding the topic also meant that I had it on my mind the whole time. Now that I’m alone, I realize all over again how much I enjoyed and miss Craig in that way. 

The feel of his scruff and chest hair against my soft skin. The weight of his gut against the nape of my back as I bore down onto his cock as deep as possible. The warmth of his breath as he bathed my smooth body with his tongue. The taste of his kiss — and cock. The sound of his animalistic grunts as he so skillfully plowed me. 

My hole is flinching just thinking about how good he made me feel, in every conceivable way. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. Cam (and Noah) and I have a great time, but it was just different with Craig… in the best possible way.

This reminiscing has me horny and pining to make love with him again, at least once in a while. I know he’s like my dad, but fathers teach their sons stuff all the time, so why is sex any different? It’s just another thing to be trained on or taught about. It’s really no one else’s fucking business, and frankly, I don’t give a shit whether they understand or approve.

I sighed. I know that’s not how it works, so I try to push the thought from my mind. The fact is, I still want him. That desire has never diminished, but it’s most pronounced when we’re cuddling or sharing an intimate moment, like after we’ve argued or he’s reassuring me. I don’t know why sex and that ‘fatherly bond’ (as he calls it) are so intermixed, but they are.

There are still times I jerk off to the memories, although lately I’ve been fantasizing more about Liam and Cam.

Anyway, by the time I returned, Mom and Craig were already back in the lobby, talking and laughing with Jan. That seems like a positive sign.

Which is good, because I spent the whole walk back worrying about what the three of them were talking about. I know I told Jan I was rude, but I left out a lot of specifics. The thought of them explaining how Cam and I were cruising older men, or how I said shit like “Okay Boomer” to Craig, wiped out my appetite. I always thought Jan liked me, but if she knows all the gory details, her opinion of me might be poisoned forever. 

“There he is,” Jan said upon spotting me. “We had a good conversation. Your parents are so impressed with how you’ve handled yourself recently, Max. Other than those occasional outbursts we are going to work on.” I guess she was trying to reassure me that they didn’t spend the entire time ripping me to shreds. 

I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just smiled and nodded. It isn’t lost in me she referred to Craig as my ‘parent.’ 

“We should get going,” Craig interjected. “Kim got off early and wants to catch happy hour.”

“Can I ride with you, or should I go with Mom?” I asked.

Mom looks mortified. “Oh damn,” she said, covering her mouth. “I asked Craig to take care of feeding you tonight, but I guess I forgot to mention it to you. I have a date with James.”

“The lumberjack?” I asked. Mom hadn’t mentioned him in a couple weeks, so I thought maybe that had run its course.

“Yes, he’s been out of town and has been busy with his boys, but he was free tonight and called yesterday. With everything that’s been going on, I guess I forgot. I’m sorry, honey.”

“It’s okay, really. I think it’s great you’re dating again, and besides, I love hanging with Craig and Kim. May I spend the night?”

I swear, Mom, Jan, and Craig all smiled. “If you want, that works for us. Maybe I can bore you with more 80’s classics,” Craig offered. 

“Oh God, not more cornball movies,” I replied, pretending to gag. “Just kidding. I’m down.”

Mom gave me a hug. “I’ll see you back at home tomorrow afternoon. Be good for Craig.”

“I always am. Kim says I’m a good influence on him!”

***

“Well, that was awkward,” I told Craig as we drove off. “I didn’t know you were coming. I didn’t even know Mom was planning to talk with Jan. Usually it’s just me.”

“Jan just wanted to hear from our perspectives how you’re doing. She thinks a lot of you.”

“It still felt weird, knowing you guys were in there talking about me. I hope you didn’t tell her too much.”

“Mostly about your outbursts and being disrespectful. She did ask why you were grounded this most recent time.”

I felt that knot in my stomach form. “Shit. I thought I managed to avoid that.”

“You did, and Jan could tell you didn’t want to talk about it. We left it vague, but she knows you and Cam were playing around on an adult dating site. I assured her it was all pretend. But…”

“‘But’ what?”

“She pointed out that your sexuality, issues with your father, and desire to connect and gain approval from men makes you… particularly susceptible to predators who would appear genuine and caring.”

He paused and I looked over. I can tell he’s uncomfortable. I feel bad.

“I guess she wouldn’t be surprised by Chad,” I said, cringing. God. Is it really that predictable? “But that isn’t you.”

“Maybe not, but it still gave me pause and turned up my shame and guilt,” Craig mumbled. “Even if we know it’s different, no one else would ever understand. Not your mom, or Jan, or a jury of my peers.” He paused again, and gripped the steering wheel tightly. “Honestly, it took all my concentration to maintain composure and not react.” 

“It’s not like that with you and you know it!” I insisted, patting his arm. “It never was.”

He sighed. “Thanks, but it still bothers me.”

I grabbed his hand, which had fallen onto the stick shift. “Just stop. You’re still the best thing that’s happened to me — and that includes everything we’ve done together. So, stop beating yourself up.” He didn’t say anything, but also didn’t move his hand. “It makes me kinda sad that you feel so badly about some of my favorite memories.” 

I started to add that I would honestly give anything to do it all again, but I don’t want to make things weird. Honestly, I bet I could convince Cam to be okay with it.

“I don’t mean to mar anything. You know how I feel, how I felt,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “But, it’s also more complicated for me. I have to be aware of optics and how society and literally everyone would react,” he responded. “Like I’ve said before: you need a father more than anything, and that’s all there is to it. Those two things can’t mix.”

“That’s not fair! I don’t see why we can’t decide for ourselves to be both, like a little of this and a little of that, and create something special that’s just between us,” I whined, beginning to protest.

Craig didn’t say anything, but pulled off into some random parking lot.

I studied his face. He looks so sad. Like, tearing up. I’m just making him feel worse. 

It’s sinking in that, as much as he may want to (and as much as I definitely do), there really is no way Craig will ever be convinced. He’s too paranoid and ashamed.

If I’m being completely honest, part of me really thought, in time, it could happen again. Sure, he’s resisted lots, and I haven’t even tried lately. I never questioned his sincerity, but I dunno, part of me hoped in time Cam would come around. I can tell now, for once and for all, that part of our relationship is over.

I think I’m going to be sick. 

I threw open the door and vomited all over the asphalt. Gross. I’m never going to be able to have DQ’s pretzel sticks and queso again. They didn’t taste right going down, and were even worse coming back up.

“Shit! Max, are you okay?” The ding of the car door assaulted my ears as Craig rushed to my side. He crouched next to me and began stroking my hair.

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “It’s really over, isn’t it?” I asked through tears.

“‘Over’? What’s over?”

“Us! That.”

He looks completely perplexed. “What? We’ve talked about this. Why are you…”

“I guess I thought… or hoped…”

I feel so stupid. Craig has been completely up front, and never gave any indication that it could ever happen again. But I guess part of me still naively held out hope that something might change and maybe, on special occasions or something, he’d eventually reconsider if the stars aligned and Cam was cool with it. Maybe not right now, but eventually.

Craig sighed and put his arm around me. “Yeah bud, that stuff is over. It has been since we left Mexico. It has to be, because I’m not ever willing to put at risk what we can have — what we already have. This.” He pulled me up and into his embrace. “You need a dad. And I need a son, more than I ever realized. That’s what we can be — but it’s everything, right?”

I sniffled and buried my face into his chest. “It just sucks we can’t have it all. Like we did. It’s not fair.”

Craig actually laughed. “Me too baby, but that’s not how life works. I love you and that’s why we can’t,” he stated so calmly. “It’s not just the age thing, it’s because of how we love each other. Like a father and son.”

He gently rubbed my back and I can feel my breathing return to normal. “You aren’t ever going to change your mind, huh?”

“No. Being your dad is too important. Trust me on this?” he said, slightly pushing me away to look me in the eye. “Do you feel up to dinner or do you just want to go home? Kim will understand if I tell her you’re sick.”

I wiped my face. “No, I’m okay. Really. I just think the cheese I ate was old or something.”

***

As we drove to meet Kim, Craig and I returned our conversation to what he and Mom talked about with Jan. Apparently, she suggested that it would be good for me to ‘lean into’ my positive adult male relationships.

“So, she thinks I should spend more time with you?” I asked.

“Yes, and please don’t point out the irony of that,” he replied, adding a sigh.

“I won’t. I love the idea.” Maybe it’s another positive to come out of the whole Chad thing.

“I know we have our regular Thursday thing, but she suggested you stay over on some sort of regular schedule. I told her you’ve taken over our guest room, but you should add some personal touches and really make it your own.”

“Seriously?” I asked, “you don’t have to do that. You already painted it for me.”

“I was thinking Kim could take you shopping. Maybe grab a poster or new bedding or something. Do kids still do posters? When I was your age, my walls were covered.”

I laughed. Sometimes Craig can be so old. “Not as much, but maybe we could find something cool. Maybe some cool lights or something.”

“Are lava lamps still cool?”

I broke out laughing. “You’re such a… Boomer,” I teased. “They’re okay, but LED light strips are more popular now.”

Craig laughed. “I’m Gen X, smartass. If I were a Boomer, I’d beat your ass for saying that.”

***

Kim was excited to see me. She really is good to me. While I went to the bathroom, Craig must have filled her in about me staying over more often and personalizing “my room.” She informed me we were going shopping in the morning. “I know a great flea market downtown. We’ll make a morning of it and have a nice lunch.”

When we arrived home, I asked if I could run next door to say hi to Noah. Craig assented, but reminded me to make it quick, pointing out I’m still technically grounded.

Lisa ushered me in. “We were just talking about you… and Cam.” Damn, that sounds ominous. 

“We’re just trying to make plans to celebrate Noah’s birthday. It’s next Wednesday and we were thinking he could invite some friends to dinner Friday night.”

“And spend the night,” Noah added, “if you can.”

“Noah wants to go to hibachi. The tables there seat ten, so we told him he could invite four friends. Craig and Kim will come too.”

“Really, I just want to invite Ashley, you, and Cam. Anyone else will feel like an add-on, since it isn’t like an actual party.” 

I looked down in embarrassment. I’m not even sure I can go. “We’re still grounded, so I’ll have to ask for an exception. Mom might allow it, but I’m not sure about Cam’s Dad.”

“Let me talk to your mother,” Lisa replied. “She won’t dare cross her sorority sister. Not for your best friend’s birthday.”

“Thanks Lisa, that would be awesome.” I’m not sure whether Bob will grant Cam a reprieve or not, but I sure hope so. Maybe Craig can talk to him?

“We should invite Stacy too,” Noah interjected. “There’s still a spot.”

I’m glad he thought of Mom. He’s not as close to her as Craig and Kim, but I think she’d feel left out if she weren’t included. 

“Great idea,” Lisa answered, smiling. “She can’t hardly say no to you coming now, can she?”

She has a point. I briefly wondered if that was actually Noah’s angle, but no, I know better. He isn’t conniving. 

***

When I told Noah we were watching Breakfast Club and his parents raved about what a classic it is, he invited himself over. I don’t have a clue what it’s about, but Craig assured me I’ll like it and that it has a ‘good message.’ I worried he might object since he made a point to remind me I’m grounded, but he didn’t say anything.

I leaned against Craig on the couch, resting my head on his stomach and draping his arm around me, his forearm pressed against my abs. I might normally worry what others would think, but Kim is nonplussed and Noah just smiled. 

He did tease us, asking if Craig could move to the middle cushion so he could do the same thing, on the other side of him. For a moment, I think Craig thought he was making a genuine request, but I threw a pillow at him. Even if he were being serious, this is my special time. My therapist prescribed it and I am not sharing my Craig cuddles. Fuck that.

Like they all said, the movie was entertaining and kept my attention.

I’m not sure if she was trying to bond with me or what, but Kim asked who I thought was the cutest guy. Without thinking, I said the actor who played the principal was handsome. His character is a total jerk, but still. Noah started laughing and I swear I could feel Craig’s body tense. I realized after it was a stupid observation to make, but Kim didn’t react. Maybe she thought I was suggesting someone she would be more attracted to? All she said was that she preferred the wrestler when she saw it in the theater.

***

Of course, the best part of the entire day was when Craig came upstairs to tell me good night. It’s always special, but with my therapy session today and breakdown in the car, I’m looking forward to it more than usual.

He did mention that because Kim is taking me shopping tomorrow to decorate my room, I can’t sleep the day away and need to get to bed. I decided to skip my normal nightly shower to maximize our snuggle sesh. 

“We’ve had quite a day, huh?” he said as he pulled the blanket up around my bare chest.

“Yeah, sorta. But it went okay I think. I was a little nervous going back to see Jan, but it was okay. I do like her.”

“I can see why; she’s a nice lady. I was a little nervous though.”

I cocked my head. “You were? Why?”

“I’ve never seen a therapist before. I guess I just assumed they had some ability to read minds or something. Just sitting in her office, I worried she would just somehow know what I did to you in Mexico. It was bad enough having to admit to spanking you.”

I poked him in his side. “Puh lease,” I said. “You didn’t do anything TO me… WE did stuff together. Plus, I started it, remember — and I liked it. A lot.”

“I recall. But anyway, I was worried for nothing since she thinks spending more time together is a good thing. Lucky, huh?”

I decided to screw with him, and sighed heavily. “Not really, but Mom says I have to perform community service with the elderly if I want to get ungrounded.” I managed to deliver that line totally deadpan, before losing it. I was trying so hard to keep a straight face, but eventually succumbed.

“You’re going to pay for that,” he answered as he began a tickle attack.

Our tickle war lasted at least a minute before we laid on my bed, totally spent and trying to catch our breath. I leaned my head on his shoulder and put my hand on his tummy.

“I love you bud,” Craig declared as he stroked my hair. 

I rolled toward him and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. I inhaled his scent. Damn if it isn’t intoxicating. I love him so much.

He returned my hug before sitting up. “There is something I need to confirm with you.”

“What?” My curiosity is piqued.

“Bob texted during the movie. He wants to know when we’re going to all get together to watch the meeting with Chad.”

“Oh,” I answered. I hadn’t given it another thought since our conversation yesterday. 

“I wasn’t sure where you stood on that. I know you said you didn’t really want to watch, but now that you’ve met Raymond and slept on it, I want to check whether you’ve changed your mind.”

“No sir,” I answered. “I really haven’t thought about it, but I still don’t think I want to. At least not with everyone else. Maybe later, just us?”

“Totally up to you, I just want to give Bob an answer. I know Noah and Cam are eager to see me act the fool, but I understand if you’d rather not.”

“Thanks for understanding,” I replied. “Maybe while Kim and I are shopping you guys could do that.” It’ll seem a little weird for them to all congregate without me, to watch something about me, but the timing is too perfect. 

He smiled. “That’s a great idea.”

I curled up against him and buried my head into his chest. “Can you stay?” I begged. 

I don’t know how much longer I can convince him to stay with me until I fall asleep. I think he went along with it because of the Chad stuff. I’m not sure if the fact we were just talking about him affected his answer, but he turned off the light and joined me back in my bed. 

I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have my own room at Craig’s house.

***

I awoke to the smell of bacon. I rolled over and looked at the ancient alarm clock on the nightstand. 9:18. Getting a new clock that isn’t Mom’s age will definitely be on the list of things to pick up.

I pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and lumbered downstairs, greeting Kim with a hug.

“Good morning, kiddo. I made bacon and waffles. How many pieces would you like?” She asked as she patted my back.

I yawned. “Thanks! Three please.”

“That’s weak, Max. I’ve already had five.” Noah chimed in. I turned around to see him sitting at the table. WTF? He’s usually out until noon on Saturday.

“What are you doing here?” I asked groggily.

“Remember a few weeks ago when they invited me over every Friday for a hot breakfast? They couldn’t do it yesterday, so they gave me a raincheck for today.”

I recall. It was when I was staying here, when Mom had to go to Denver. They spoiled me rotten with special breakfasts.

“But only if he could drag his ass out of bed by nine. The kitchen closes at 9:30, and you just barely made the cut off,” Craig interjected. He playfully smacked my butt with his paper. “Hey, where’s my hug, young man? Jan says you’re supposed to lean into your positive relationships.”

I grinned and meandered over to him. He pulled me over his shoulder and carried me to the refrigerator. “What kind of juice do you want?”

I started giggling. I could get used to him being more openly affectionate and playful. He’s usually so buttoned up with me around other people.

“Um, apple please?”

“Hey, not in my kitchen. There’s hot grease everywhere!” Kim reprimanded. “Don’t mind him, Max. He’s just jealous that you prefer my cooking.”

“Think what you want, woman. I’m just glad you’re making yourself useful in the kitchen for a change,” he teased. 

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be a chauvinist in front of the boys.”

“Yes dear,” he replied, putting me down and kissing the top of my head. “Now boys, you know to treat women with respect. Max, you know the penalty for being rude to your mom,” he said, motioning his hand. “Noah, don’t be a dumbass with Ashley.”

Damn, he just made a reference to whooping my ass in front of everyone. He’s in a good mood if he can joke about that. He felt so guilty after. 

“Got it. Ashley doesn’t put up with any shit, anyway.”

Kim elbowed Noah. “Watch your language in my kitchen.”

Noah blushed. “Sorry Kim,” he replied sheepishly, but she grinned. 

“I'm just teasing. I should be smacking Craigory for being such a corrupting influence on you two.”

“And Cam,” I offered. “Don’t forget about him. Cam’s manners have gotten so bad with Craigory’s poor example.” That’s a horrible nickname. I love it.

“Keep it up, Max,” he retorted, exaggeratedly wagging his finger at me. “I control what chores you have to do.”

Kim playfully snapped at him. “Don’t listen to him. You come to me if he’s being unreasonable.”

“Yeah Craigory,” I said, sticking my tongue out at him. 

He stood, threw me over his shoulder again, and marched me to the living room where he deposited me on the couch. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.

“Noah, come here,” he commanded. 

“You just wish you were strong enough to do that to me,” Noah said, jogging to him.

Craig didn’t respond, but wrestled him to the ground with ease. “You’re definitely getting strong, but you have a couple years before you can take me.”

I jumped on top of Craig. “But what about both of us?” I screeched, my voice cracking. He slowly stood, and swung me around like I’m a rag doll. I feel myself getting hard. Wrestling with Craig is awesome. Why have we never done this before?

“Throw in Cam, and you might have a fighting chance,” he said, holding me in place. “Until Bob gets involved. Then you’re all screwed.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be fair. Bob isn’t old like you, Boomer.”

“Hey now,” Kim said, appearing at the threshold. “Craig is younger than me. Barely, but it’s to my great shame.”

Craig pulled my shirt over my head. I can’t see anything but the white of the shirt and my bare chest. “Sorry Kim. Craig just acts so… old.”

“Okay dear, let them go. This must be what Lisa is talking about when she says she’s ‘drowning in a sea of testosterone.’ I don’t know how she does it,” Kim groaned, shaking her head. “Max needs to eat before going shopping.”

“And put on some deodorant. Boy, you reek,” Craig said. I did a pit check. Hey, I have a couple of hairs finally. Cool.

Once up, I pushed Craig’s face toward my pit. It looked ridiculous.

“Stop,” he whispered. Damn. I glanced down and saw a bulge forming.

“Okay, okay. You win. You’re still stronger. For now.” I admitted as I hit his lower stomach with a pillow, covering his groin. He grabbed it.

“Okay guys, finish eating. All that coffee and food and moving around… well, you’ll have to excuse me,” he said. “Max, please clean up the kitchen when you’re finished so Kim can get ready. Be ready to go by 10:30, and please don’t keep her waiting. Understood?”

“Yes sir.” Damn, I like bossy Craig. It’s… nice. I motion him with my eyes to go. That was a close call.

“Thanks again for making breakfast, Kim,” I said walking back to the kitchen. “Do you have any peanut butter?”

***

I was just finishing wiping the counters when Craig reappeared, fully dressed. I took my shirt completely off after he pulled it over my head, so I was slightly startled when he put his arm around my upper chest from behind and hugged me toward him. 

“Looks good in here. Thank you for cleaning up.”

“No problem. I don’t mind helping. It’s nice having a real breakfast,” I said, patting his arm.

“Yeah, Kim loves spoiling you both. She wants to be a boy mom bad,” he replied, laughing. “I know the feeling.”

I sense an opening to give him crap. “You wouldn’t be a very good mom. Too hairy,” I teased.

“How’s this for hairy,” he said, rubbing his cheek against my bare shoulder, scratching me with his stubble.

I flinched and started giggling. Annnnnd… now I’m totally boned. Again. “Daddy, you’re making me hard,” I whispered. He immediately let me go.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.

I turned to face him. I can tell he was trying not to, but his eyes definitely wandered down to my tented shorts.

“Did you see? I have hairs now in my armpits!” I said excitedly, lifting my left arm and pointing to the short two or three strands. “That's so cool. Noah has had a whole tuft for a while and even Cam has a smattering. Liam too. And they’re all younger than me. I was starting to think it wouldn’t happen.”

“Yeah bud, you’re growing up. You aren’t going to shave these like everything else?” he teased, pointing at my exposed underarm.

“Nah. Pubes can get in your teeth and stuff. Pit hair is different.”

Craig grinned for some reason. “Did you hear your voice crack earlier?”

“Yeah! That was unexpected.” I made sounds and modulated my voice trying to make it sound deeper.

“Okay, goofball. Go get ready,” Craig said, using his hand to exaggeratedly waft the air in front of his nose. “I wasn’t lying earlier when I said you stink.”

I blushed a little. I didn’t realize I actually had BO. Normally I shower at night, but I was so eager to talk I skipped.

***

Shopping with Kim was fun. For all the times I’ve been around her, I really haven’t spent much time alone with her. She’s easy to talk to though, and funny. 

She asked me about school as we drove. Craig’s given her the highlights. “Your eye almost looks normal,” she commented. “Just a tinge of yellow. I bet by Monday even that will be gone.”

“I sure hope so; I’m ready to move on. Everyone made such a big deal out of it. Even Craig. It was annoying.”

Kim laughed. “I’ll say. When he got home that night, he was raging. I had to calm him down before he gave himself a stroke.”

“You should have seen him at school. I was embarrassed.”

“It’s a sign of how much he cares about you. His kid being in danger really makes the papa bear come out.”

“I get that, I guess. But it wasn’t that big a deal. If I had seen him coming, he would have missed. I just didn’t expect him to throw his arm into my face,” I explained. “They’re going way overboard on him. Asking us if we wanted to press charges and all that, and basically expelling him. I mean he’s kind of a dick, but damn, that’s harsh.”

“Well, I hope he apologizes.” 

I forgot until now that Mr. Tim gave Mom his parent’s info. “There was talk about that, but I don’t know if anything came of it. Mom supposedly has his parents’ number.”

“She should call. At least let them know you are okay. It wouldn’t hurt for them to talk.”

I nodded. I suppose she has a point, and Tim said the same thing. “I’ll remind her.”

“Good. But, I’m glad you seem to be over it. In fact, I’ve noticed how much more settled and happier you’ve been,” she said. “I didn’t like seeing you so upset that night in the summer when you showed up totally distraught and in tears.”

I groaned. “Don’t remind me. That was awful. I’m trying to block out that night.” I said cringing. “Was that when you found out I’m, uh… you know, gay?”

“Yes. It’s funny, your mother mentioned to me once that she thought you might like boys and I told her there was no way. I was adamant. You just didn’t seem the type.”

“Oh,” I replied. Wow. So, Mom suspected? She’s never said anything to me. Should I be worried she thinks I’m flaming? But no, I know that isn’t true. Noah was shocked. So was Kim. Maybe it’s different with moms?

“Once it all came to light, I had to wipe the egg off my face. I even told her I didn’t know even though Craig did, and I wasn’t trying to lie to her,” she shared. I had no idea. It’s weird, knowing you’re a topic of conversation between adults you care about and are clueless about whatever they’re discussing. “Craig was worried I might be angry he kept your secret.”

“But you weren't?” I guess I knew she wasn’t, but this is the first time we’ve ever really talked. About my sexuality or anything.

“Surprised, yes. But I understood once he explained.”

“Good. You know, me almost coming out by accident is kind of why Craig and I started talking in the first place.”

“Yes, I’ve heard the story now. Craigory kept it a secret for months. He said it wasn’t his place to share, which I respect.”

“Cool,” I said, animatedly wiping my brow. I was afraid she would have been upset he kept that from her. I mean, aren’t married couples supposed to share everything? Of course, I know there’s a LOT he doesn’t tell her. “It seems silly now that everyone knows. I’m glad you aren’t mad.”

“Oh honey, I could never be upset about something like that. Besides, I freaking adore you… AND I dare say Craig hasn’t been this happy in years. Spending time with you has been a godsend.”

“Huh? How?”

“Craig was always so engaged when our girls were kids and involved with their activities. He was occupied and happy. I’m not saying he was depressed or anything, but I think our life had become dull, routine. Other than our occasional vacation or night out with friends, we didn’t get much variety. Empty nest and all that. Make sense?”

“Yeah, sorta.”

“Well, then you came along and it’s like he’s a new man. If I’m being completely honest, I was a little jealous at first, since he was suddenly so busy and always talking about you. But then you came around the house more and we got to know one another, and I saw what a sweet, funny boy you are and totally understood. You’re like the son we never had,” Kim explained, looking at me smiling. 

I had to look away, because she’s making me blush. I don’t know why, but it always embarrasses me when someone heaps praise on me like that.

“And Craig, even more than me, needed to be a boy dad. It was obviously a big part of his life that was missing. So, I think spending time with you has energized him, given him a little purpose he was missing. He’s definitely happier. He’s so devoted to you, he’s really leaned into being a father again,” she added as she pulled into the flea market parking lot. “Which makes me happier, too. And to be honest, I think our relationship has improved. You coming into our life has been an absolute gift and we’re so lucky your mother shares you with us. I hope you know that.” She reached across the console to pat my leg, just like Craig does when he’s driving.

I’m not sure what to say. Craig has always said Kim loves me, and I’ve never doubted it, but hearing her talk like this is unexpected. It’s nice, but also riddles me with guilt.

Kim has never been anything but kind and accepting. She would absolutely hate me if she knew what her husband and I have done or understood the true depth of our relationship. I would be competition, the brat who enticed her husband. He spent his whole life resisting his urges — until I decided to blow him during a nap, knowing his attractions. He never stood a chance and I corrupted him.

God, if that ever comes to light, it will destroy her. And Mom. And Craig. That would be horrific.

Which is so stupid and unnecessary. And yet, the peril is absolutely real. Ugh. I feel sick just thinking about it.

***

The flea market was not what I expected. Yeah, there were people hocking used crap, but there were also a lot of booths with handmade or refurbished things. There was cool woodworking, metallurgy, rehabbed furniture, etc. It made me think of Liam, and the crafting he does with his parents.

There was a stall where someone made random stuff out of old license plates. He’d made a crude looking rainbow flag. Kim pointed it out, thinking I would be excited, but I told her I’m just not that type of gay. Just because I’m out now doesn’t mean I have to use gay pride symbols. I don’t have a problem with pride stuff, it’s just never really appealed to me. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a hypocrite. 

There was a different piece that caught my eye. It reminded me of the robot in Iron Giant, which I used to watch when I was a kid. It’s one of the movies my dad had on VHS that he would watch. 

He originally wanted $100, but Kim managed to haggle it down to $70. I still felt like that was too expensive, but she ignored my protests. “It was a decent deal, and besides, I can tell you really like it,” she told me. All I could do was thank her profusely.

There was another sculpture of a fish about two feet long that I thought would look sick in Noah’s room and make a great birthday present for him. He’s always been into fishing and was bummed he didn’t get to come with us to the lake over Labor Day.

I deflated when I saw the tag — $60! Well, actually it has $75 and $100 above, so it must be on sale. Still, I’m almost positive I don’t have that much. 

Even so, I checked my wallet. Yep, only $30.

“This one catch your eye?” the man asked. “Into angling?”

I shook my head. “Not me sir, but my best friend likes fishing and it’s his birthday next week. I thought it would be a good gift, but I don’t have enough,” I explained, blushing. “Do you have anything similar that’s smaller?”

“I don’t, I’m sorry. But, he’s been with me a while. Make me an offer.”

“All I have is $30.”

The old man smiled. “You’ve been so polite; I'll tell you what: give me $25 and use the leftover five bucks to get yourself and your sister some ice cream. It’s warm today.”

Kim laughed and started gushing about how ‘smooth’ and ‘sweet’ the elderly gentleman was being. I expressed my gratitude, made the transaction, and felt a little bit of a rush. Getting a deal is kinda fun.

After that, Kim found this neat thing to hang pictures with. It has wooden frames on the side with pieces of twine strung between. From there hung little clothespins to clip photos with. Kim thought we should put up some. It’s a decent idea, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her hardcopies of pics aren’t really a thing anymore and I don’t have any, like, film to develop.

I mentioned thinking some sort of lights would be lit (literally, ha!), so we bugged out of the flea market and went to Target. Of course, Kim pronounces it as if it were French — Tar-jay — just like Mom, which I found funny for some reason. In addition to a new alarm clock/Bluetooth speaker and some strips of LED lights, Kim insisted on buying a white board as well. Ashley and Jamie have them in their lockers at school, but this one is definitely bigger. Kim said her daughters had them and it was a convenient way to leave messages and “fun little notes.”

She was also adamant we get some toiletries and clothes to keep at their house. “What brands do you use for toothpaste and deodorant? Do you prefer any type of soap or shampoo?”

“Uh, Crest and Old Spice,” I replied. “And Pantene and Axe Body Wash. But I’m easy and can use whatever. We don’t have to get anything special.”

Kim shook her head. “Nonsense! You should feel at home and have what you’re used to.”

I knew arguing with her wasn’t going to do any good, so I went along with everything else. We grabbed a pack of boxer briefs, socks, a pair of shorts, hoodie, joggers, and a couple of T-shirts. She also had me pick out a new set of bed sheets and fleece blanket. It was starting to feel overwhelming, but in a nice way. She cares about me being comfortable and getting things I like.

“I know you’ve probably outgrown toys, but do you want any card or board games or Lego sets? Anything like that?” she asked. “I’m great conversation, but when it’s just Craig around, I don’t want you to get bored.” Zing! I’m realizing more and more all the time that Kim is funny af.

“Nah,” I replied. “If I get that bored, I can always raid Noah’s game supply. They have every game known to man I think.”

“That’s true,” she replied.

When we rounded the corner, a display of colorful, oddly-shaped blobs caught my eye. The sign says Squishmallows. There are different animals and objects like ice cream cones.

“Wow, there are so many to choose from. Pick one out,” Kim urged.

Oh jeez. “They’re kinda juvenile,” I scoffed.

Kim laughed. “So? You’re still a juvenile. Be a kid, Max. It’s okay,” she whispered. She could tell I’m not convinced. “Besides, who will ever see? Noah? He won’t care. Hey! Maybe I’ll get one for his birthday.”

Okay, that might be a funny gag gift.

I touched one. It’s soft! And squishy. Kinda like Craig’s tummy.

“Seriously, choose one. They’re cute and it’ll be comfortable to lay on. It’s just a fluffy pillow,” she said. “Besides, it’ll be a good thing to punch or throw around if Craigory is being a pain.”

I laughed. I love that ridiculous nickname. He’s going to forever be Craigory for now on.

I ended up choosing a turtle (I dunno why, but I’ve always had a thing for turtles) for me and an avocado for Noah, because he likes guacamole.

We had lunch downtown at a swanky bistro. The food was the bomb. Kim asked a lot about gymnastics and our upcoming meets. She’s never really even seen me practice, much less compete. She seems genuinely excited to watch and mentioned maybe tagging along with Craig some Thursday night.

When we got back, Craig and I uploaded some pictures to Walgreens and had them printed. I had no idea that was even an option. 

We included lots of my favorite memories: Craig and I in Mexico, Mom and me at a gymnastics meet, another with Noah. We made sure to include the photo I took of Cam and I (shirtless) in the ranger tower over Labor Day, the really cool shot Craig snapped of Cam and I embraced on the lake pier at sunset, a selfie I made Kim take at lunch, and the pic Cam took of us when we ate at the Thai place the first time. 

Craig also insisted on adding one of me sleeping with the gymnast bear Kim bought me right after things went to shit. I didn’t even realize he took that. It was taken the night of the sleepover blow up. If I remember correctly, he even spritzed his cologne on it so it would smell like him. That’s worn off now, of course. I should bring it back and have him refresh it. Or figure out what brand he uses and see if I can get my own bottle.

While we waited the hour it took for them to be ready, we hung the picture holder, LED lights, robot sculpture (which Craig thinks is really unique), and put away the other items from our shopping trip. He grinned when I pointed out the only thing I really wanted to get was a new alarm clock that isn’t like three times older than me.

I love how things turned out. The lights sync with an app I’ll have to download to my phone when I earn it back, but they still look really good even if it’s a pain to change them manually.

It’s funny, I’ve been claiming this room as my own for a while, but now it really feels like mine. All of this personalization feels permanent; like it will always be my space and Craig and Kim are saying unequivocally I’m one of their kids. 

I can’t even describe how it feels. Honestly, thinking about it almost makes me start to cry — but the happy kind. To have two people love me so much, when they don’t have to and hardly knew me nine months ago, is amazing and, like, humbling? I don’t deserve it after all the stuff I’ve put Craig through, but it makes me realize I have more family than just Mom, Noah, and a grandma I barely see.

***

We don’t have it often, but Cam and I went to the gym Sunday night. I skipped Friday’s short session because of counseling. Cam said he would do the same and asked Coach if we could come in and make up for it Sunday. It’s nice to be less crowded, though there are others also getting extra reps in as well.

As we stretched, Cam and I discussed Noah’s birthday sleepover. Cam received a reprieve to attend, which I hoped would happen but wasn’t sure was in the cards. Evidently, Craig didn’t even have to plead with Bob, though it was Craig who called Bob to extend the invite.

Is it bad that I wondered if Craig offered sex in return for Bob’s leniency? I know, I know… I’m honestly trying to forget walking in on them in the midst of intense anal pounding, but it’s seared into my memory. Poor Cam has it even worse, but he doesn’t talk about it.

Actually, if I’m being honest with myself, now that it’s been a few weeks and the initial shock has worn off, it seems less gross and more hot all the time. Maybe anything involving Craig is bound to be erotic for me. Or, perhaps having Chad squared away allows me to be more comfortable with things.

Anyway, I told Cam about the ‘fish’ I bought for Noah’s room. 

“Dude, that’s perfect. I wish I had something that unique. I’ll probably just end up getting him a gift card or something.”

“That’s fine. Noah would probably tell you not to worry about it.” Noah likes giving gifts, but he’s never really cared about getting them. Even when we were younger, he always wanted to do something fun rather than get a bunch of toys. He always liked Chuck E. Cheese when he was little and now Dave & Busters. When he turned 11 we went to laser tag. At 12 we hit a rock gym. Last year, when he finally hit 13, it was a trampoline park. He says he’d rather make fun memories with people he cares about than accumulate random crap.

Anyway, Craig says it’s one of his best qualities, that he prefers to give than receive. I guess that carries over to sex, too — at least with other boys. He’s all top lol. I guess he does prefer to receive a BJ than give one.

“True. But, I know what I’d REALLY like to get him,” Cam answered, laughing.

I looked at him confused. “What?”

“Oh, I dunno… maybe a little vibrating dildo or something. Once he knew how good it felt, just think of the fun we could have.”

I shook my head. “You’re too much. I think we both know that’s where Noah draws the line.” Well, that and sucking dick. He didn’t like that when he tried it on Cam when I was in Mexico. 

“Maybe, maybe not. He also said he was only interested in head at one point, too. And now he loves to fuck. If only he would try it. You know how good it is.”

“Yeah I do… but I’m also gay and love dick and know I’m a bottom. I just don’t see him ever relaxing enough to enjoy it.”

“I know. I’ll let it go. But we are going to give him a nice surprise at bedtime right?”

“Well, duh. I mean we’ll have to be really careful not to be too loud. I’m so fucking horny right now, I can hardly stand it. But, I hadn’t really thought about specifics.”

“Seriously? Cam asked, bewildered. “I effin have! I’ve been thinking about it almost every night… and jerking, obviously. And I have some ideas.”

“Like what?”

“I want to see how long we can tease him. You know, edge him until he begs us to get him off.”

“That sounds hot,” I admitted. “Maybe I’ll suggest he not jack for a few days to build up a load.”

“Yeah, I thought maybe we could blindfold him. Or maybe even tie his hands so he can’t jerk himself off if he gets desperate. We could work him up to almost coming and stop… over and over and over.” Cam has a huge grin on his face. “But it would be even better with some prostate stimulation.”

“Oh damn. I’m not sure if he’d love it or want to kill us.” I have a hard time envisioning him going for being tied up and blindfolded, although it might be interesting to see if he can tell us apart. Maybe rate who is better at what, once and for all.

Cam laughed. “Oh, once he cums, he’ll love us. But depending on how long we make it last, he might be a little frustrated.”

“‘A little’?”

“Or a lot,” Cam admitted, laughing. “But, we can remind him it’s good practice for when he finally gets to slide into Ashley. He won’t want to cum in 20 seconds, will he?”

“I’d really rather not think of that. Pussy... blech!”

“Right? But I’m thinking if we get him really worked up, maybe he’ll let me work a finger in his butt and rub his prostate before we do finally get him off,” Cam explained. “I did it once in the hot tub and he didn’t mind it, remember? Just have to be careful about timing and give him more than an intro.”

“That could be fun. I rimmed him and he seemed to like that okay. If he’s about to lose it, he might not even care.”

“That’s my plan. Make it a birthday he’ll never forget.”

I rubbed my erection through the mesh of my shorts. I’m definitely precumming just thinking about it. 

“I can see you like the idea,” Cam replied, nodding towards my crotch. “You better go take a piss or something so we can get to work.”

***

We took a water break after we’d hit it for about an hour.

“Dude,” Cam said, patting my shoulder. “I know you’re still hesitant to see Chad, even on video, but I have to tell you — it was pretty epic. I know you’d enjoy it.”

I shrugged. “I’m content knowing it’s over.”

“I get it. But damn, you should have seen Craig. He came flying in and was ready to fuck that man up. I’ve never seen him like that, but he, um, had damn good reason,” Cam said, hesitating a little. “You should at least watch that part.”

“Yeah, maybe someday,” I acquiesced. Not sure if it’ll ever happen, but I don’t want to be hounded about it. “So, you came over to Craig’s? We didn’t really talk about it when I got back from shopping with Kim.”

“Yeah. Daddy and I came over a little before noon, and Noah was waiting. He was practically bouncing on the couch.”

“I didn’t know any details.” Normally it might seem odd Craig would omit things, but I guess I told him I didn’t want to watch, so maybe he didn’t want to burden me with any updates.

“Well, anyway, I’m glad that’s over. Now we just can look forward to Noah’s sleepover.”

We high-fived and went back to work.

***

The rest of the weekend was low key. Mom picked me up from practice and we had a quiet dinner and a little TV at home. She confirmed I was permitted to celebrate Noah’s birthday. Which is good, because I’m horned up after plotting with Cam.

***

Seb was totally off at school on Monday. He sits just ahead of me in the next row, so he’s easy to observe — and he’s definitely not himself. Seb is normally very attentive and engaged. Not today. His head is hanging and he’s paying zero attention. In fact, most of the time he was doodling in his notebook.

At one point he even put his head down, which Mr. Beckham noticed. He started to say something, but stopped. Had it been anyone else, he might have lit them up. But Seb is his star pupil, and he is undoubtedly aware of his, uh, special circumstances. Instead, a look of concern flashed across his face.

Seb was slow leaving for lunch. Jamie and I waited for him at the door. “What’s wrong with Seb?” I asked. 

“What? Nothing… that I know of? Why?” Jamie replied.

“He’s been moping all class. Even put his head down.” 

“I couldn’t tell.” Jamie sits three seats behind him so he wouldn’t have seen. “I guess he’s been quieter than normal, but all he said is that he’s tired. It is Monday morning so I didn’t think anything of it.” 

Seb finally stumbled out. Jamie was on him, almost too much. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, a little too domineering in my opinion. 

“Nothing!” he answered sharply as he walked away hastily.

“Hey, wait up!” Jamie yelled and started to run after him. 

I grabbed his arm. “Stop. He needs some space. Your approach was a little too direct, James.”

He wrinkled his nose. He hates when I use his legal name. “It was? I just asked what’s wrong.”

“I know, but it was kind of aggressive. Whatever is bothering him, I doubt he wants to unload in a crowded hallway,” I pointed out as we started walking towards the cafeteria. “Did something happen?”

“No, not really. We had a great sleepover. Mostly.”

“‘Mostly’?” WTF does that mean?

“I’ll tell you later. C’mon, let’s get to lunch.”

***

While Jamie got in line, I took the seat opposite Seb. Besides us, our normally bustling table was empty. Seb is the only one of us who consistently packs his lunch. “Hey,” I said.

He looked up and mumbled back, before looking back down at the bag of Goldfish he was mindlessly nibbling on. 

“You don’t seem like yourself. Are you sick?” 

He shook his head but kept his gaze affixed squarely to the table.

“Did something happen?”

He finally glanced up at me. “Yeah. I had a huge blowup with my parents and barely slept.”

“I’m sorry. I know how that goes. I’ve had an incident or two with my mom lately,” I shared. “It sucks when things are unsettled and you know they’re pissed.”

He didn’t reply, but looked at me pleadingly so I pushed forward. “You want to talk about it?”

“Can we? Just, not here. And only you. I don’t want anyone else around,” he stressed.

“Got it. Library?” He nodded. 

“You go ahead. I’m going to tell Jamie we’re leaving. Otherwise, he’ll worry.”

***

I caught Jamie just past the cashier and told him I was going with Seb to talk. 

“Where? I’ll come too.”

I shook my head. “Let me talk to him first. Please?” I said. “Don’t worry, I don’t think it has anything to do with you, but he wants to meet alone.”

“Uh… okay,” Jamie answered reluctantly. I can tell he is a little dejected. You can see the hurt and confusion on his face. After all, Seb is his boyfriend, but it’s me he wants to confide in.

***

I found Seb at the same table in the secluded corner behind the encyclopedia book stacks no one ever goes near. Seriously, it’s dusty af. With Google and Wikipedia, who needs to look things up in actual, outdated books?

He gave me a weak smile and snuck a bit of his string cheese as I sat down across from him.

“Jamie wanted to join and I'm not sure he understood why I waved him off,” I explained, trying to break the ice.

“I will probably tell him eventually. I just don’t think he’ll really understand.”

“And why is that?”

Seb sighed. “I told him about what happened at Widmer. He didn’t like freak out or anything, but thought it was weird I could be attracted to someone older. He says the only guys he likes our age, not grown-ups, and looked at me like I was insane,” he said bitterly. “He didn’t say it, but I can tell he thinks I was molested too.” Seb cringed. “God, I hate that word. I’m so sick of hearing it. That’s NOT what fucking happened!”

He said that a little too loudly. I looked around to make sure no one noticed, and used my hands to signal him to bring down his volume.

“I can see how that would be awkward. Unfortunately, that’s the typical reaction,” I replied. “But, you know I get it. Some older guys are hot. Just on Friday I watched this old movie and the principal in it was kinda sexy,” I added in a whisper. 

Seb ignored my attempt at humor about the movie. “It’s so stupid and unfair.” He’s seething. I’ve seen Seb sad before, but never mad.

“So, is that related to what you and your parents fought about?”

“Pretty much. I told Jamie everything at our sleepover, which had… some other issues, so I was already on edge. Then, when I got home, my parents started on me and we fought all weekend.”

I’ll have to circle back to the sleepover stuff. He seems more wound up about his ‘rents.

“That sucks. What happened?”

Seb sulked back in his chair. “Dad came at me about being more cooperative, saying he was tired of my ‘bullshit’ and that I’m ‘being selfish and need to do the right thing even if it’s uncomfortable.’ Said I was ‘raised better’ than how I was acting.” He used air quotes throughout.

“Damn. That seems harsh.”

“Yeah! On one hand, they treat me like this victim who has been through some horrible thing — which isn’t true — but then, like, blame me and are pissy at the same time for not wanting to talk about it. It’s beyond annoying.”

I patted his hand. “I bet. How did you react?”

“By yelling and cussing and crying. Mom said my ‘tantrum’ was ‘unnecessary’ and they’re just trying to help me ‘get justice’.”

Oh boy. “So, you felt ganged up on.”

“No one listens to anything I say. They don’t care what I think or how I feel,” he said. “Besides you, anyway.”

He blushed. I think. He’s been flushed with anger, so it’s hard to tell for sure.

“How did you leave it with them?”

Seb shrugged. “I got back from Jamie’s Sunday morning, and it was like someone flipped a switch. We had like three blow ups before I went to bed. I told them I wasn’t talking to anyone about it anymore — not the police or the prosecutors, the therapist, or even them. I said I’m DONE and to leave me the eff alone. They kept trying, but I just ignored them,” he described. “We haven’t spoken since dinner last night, and even then I wasn’t really talking. I ate my spaghetti without saying a word and hid in my room the rest of the night.”

“I get that. Sometimes you just need to be alone.”

“Yeah. They tried to act like everything was normal this morning but I gave them more of the silent treatment. I'm also pretty sure I’m grounded for cursing and stuff.” He snorted when he said that, like he thinks it’s funny or doesn’t matter.

Our eyes met. The poor kid is exhausted. Physically, sure, that’s obvious. He hasn’t slept and looks like shit. But, it’s more than that. He’s weary, mentally and emotionally. I’m worried about him.

I suddenly had a flash of our conversation at the playground by his house, when he told me what happened with his teacher at Widmer. He admitted to me then that he considered ending it all.

“Seb, look at me,” I demanded. “Be completely straight with me. Are you thinking about killing yourself?” I’m not sure what possessed me to go there, but damn if the words didn’t just come out. It’s like I was channeling Jamie or something, being so blunt.

He looked up slightly and gasped. I can tell my question caught him by surprise. He quickly looked back down as a tear escaped his eye. Jesus. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t in too dark of a place. I didn’t really expect him to be pondering anything so serious, but I can tell by his reaction that I practically read his mind.

I quickly pushed my chair back and moved right next to him and threw my arm around him. I’m not even thinking, I’m just reacting on instinct. 

“Seb, please don’t ever think that’s the answer. Having you do… that… would be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’ve had some really crazy shit to live through.”

“Thanks,” he replied, wiping his face and slowly collecting himself. “It’s not like I have an actual plan or anything. Honest. But…” His voice trailed off.

“‘But’ what?”

“I just think, you know… maybe my parents will FINALLY freaking listen to me if I did try something. It would get their attention,” Seb confided. “And you know, maybe people would be better off without me around. I’ve never fit in and always been hassled. I’m just tired of always getting shit on.”

“Fuck that. That isn’t true and besides, there are way better ways.”

“I’ve just been so angry; I couldn’t stop thinking of how sorry they would be if I did. It’s stupid, I know.”

“Not really. I get it. It’s a revenge fantasy. I think we all have those.” God knows I had plenty about Chad. And my father. I thought about doing a lot of things I was never serious about. It’s satisfying sometimes to just dream about retribution.

He pressed against me. “Thanks Max. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“Dude, I love you. You’re like my little brother.” Where did that come from? I guess in any other circumstance it would seem out of place, but I have this surge of affection toward him washing over me. I just want to protect him. I’m even choking up a little.

He looked at me, smiled, and leaned further into me. I’m comforting him like Craig has done for me so many times. Another tear rolled down his cheek. I held him for a minute until he took a deep breath.

When I looked up, I was surprised to see the librarian standing a few feet away with Mr. Tim and Mrs. Dredger, the seventh-grade counselor.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Mr. Tim said quietly. “Mrs. Cowper (the librarian) overheard part of your conversation and was concerned. Is everything okay?”

Shit. I knew Seb got a little loud, but I didn’t think anyone would overhear. He separated from me, but I could see his knees start to knock against each other under the table. 

“I think so,” I answered. “Seb’s been stressed and we were just talking about some stuff.” I don’t want this to turn into a whole thing. That’s the last thing he needs. 

“I see,” he answered. “Seb, I think you should talk with Mrs. Dredger in the office.”

Seb looked at me with panic and grabbed my arm. “I don’t want to leave Max!”

Tim put his hand on Seb’s shoulder. “Okay,” he said reassuringly. “Mrs. Dredger, would you please sit with Seb while I borrow Max for a moment?”

Seb looked completely overwhelmed, but nodded slightly and loosened his grip. He, very slowly and with great reluctance, began to gather his belongings. I feel sorry for him. He’s freaking out on the inside but is completely trapped. Mrs. Dredger is nice, but she’s not like Mr. Tim. God, I hope she doesn’t grill him. 

Tim walked me to a small room at the back of the library. “What’s going on? Mrs. Cowper was alarmed, overhearing allusions to self-harm.”

“I am really worried about Seb. He’s super down today.”

“Everyone has days like that. But, why would you think it’s so serious?”

I took a deep breath. “Well, you know about everything that happened with Seb at Widmer, right?”

Tim looked slightly uncomfortable but nodded. “Yes. I’m aware of his situation.”

I don't want to betray Seb’s confidence, but I don’t feel like I have a choice and need to be honest. It took me several minutes to explain. Somewhere in the midst of our talk, the bell rang. I must have looked anxious, because he shook his head. “I’ll give you a pass.”

I told Tim all about the conversation I had with Seb at the park a few weeks ago. I explained how Seb was tired of everyone treating him like a victim, because he doesn’t feel like one. I explained how getting bullied after, and all of the adults constantly pestering him, is what really affected him to the point that he mentioned considering killing himself. Finally, I told him about the tension between Seb and his parents finally coming to a head over the weekend, which is why Seb is so morose. 

“Sounds heavy. And you’re worried he’s considering suicide again?”

“Yes. I just had a feeling, so I straight up asked if it was on his mind.”

“And?”

“That’s when he broke down.”

Tim took a step toward me. “Did he actually say he was going to hurt himself?”

“No. He just said maybe it would make his parents finally listen. He swore he wasn’t serious and that he doesn’t have any plans or anything.”

“I hope you’re right,” he replied. “But we have to take any mention of suicide seriously, and this is twice now. If we didn’t, we’d all regret it, and be liable as well.”

I looked at him blankly. I get it, but still. 

“You did the right thing, telling me. Are you okay? I know this is a lot.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just worried about him. I could tell he was off so I skipped lunch so we could talk.”

“You’re a good friend, Max.”

I’m not so sure. The last thing Seb wanted was to turn this into a big thing at school. I’m actually a little worried he’s going to be mad at me for telling Tim. “I guess,” I shrugged. “I’m not sure he will appreciate the drama.”

“Well, he definitely doesn’t want you to leave, but you’ve done what you can. We’ll call his parents and make sure he’s properly evaluated.” Tim paused and studied me. “Actually, will you help us get him to the office? I would normally never ask, but it’s a special circumstance and he obviously trusts you more than anyone.”

“Sure.”

As we walked back to Seb, he was crying. I guess the weight of what’s about to happen hit him. He smiled when he saw me. Tim and Mr. Johnson, who must have arrived while I was talking with Tim, exchanged glances.

“You aren’t in trouble, but let’s get you to the office so we can continue to talk and you can have some privacy,” Mr. Johnson suggested.

Seb looked at me with uncertainty. I don’t think he wants to go anywhere, but realizes he doesn’t have a choice. 

I extended my hand. “C’mon Seb, I’ll walk with you,” I offered. 

Timidly, he stood and followed me.

***

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as we walked. I never meant to involve all these people and I wasn’t sure if Seb would be upset. 

“It’s okay,” he mumbled. He gripped my hand and gave it a squeeze. I guess that’s a positive sign. 

When we got to Mr. Johnson’s office, I gave him a big hug. “Everything will be fine. Trust me.”

“Thanks Max,” he whispered.

Mr. Tim tapped me on the shoulder. I followed him out, glancing one last time at Seb to give him what I hoped was a comforting smile. 

“Is he going to be okay? What happens now?” I asked.

“They do a risk assessment for self-harm. Kids say things, sometimes it’s real and sometimes it’s just off-hand or attention-seeking, but they all have to be taken seriously.”

“What about his parents?”

“Already on their way.”

Damn. I’m not sure that’s what he needs right now. But, how could they not be told? It dawned on me that getting called to school might have the effect Seb was hoping for. Maybe this is enough of a wake-up call that they will finally listen to him.

“I know you’re worried about him, but you have to be starving. Did you get a chance to eat anything?”

I shook my head. He used one of his keys to unlock a cabinet full of snacks.

“Grab whatever you want. I know it’s mostly crap and empty carbs, but it’s better than nothing,” Tim said. “Take a few minutes to eat and I’ll get you a pass to class.”

I settled on ramen, bag of Doritos, some fruit snacks, and a Capri Sun. He’s right: it’s total shit but at least my stomach won’t disrupt class.

I ripped open the Doritos. I’ve been completely honest and don’t think I should leave anything out. “Mr. Tim, there might be something else going on with Seb.” I just remembered Seb asking me on Friday if I told Jamie about why he switched schools.

“Oh? What?”

“I think it might be out why Seb left Widmer. He said Jamie asked him about it last week.”

“Have you heard anything yourself?” Tim asked, scratching his forehead. 

“No sir. And I haven’t had a chance to follow up with Seb or Jamie about it,” I replied. “I think they hung out over the weekend, but I don’t know for sure if Seb told him or not. They’ve become, um… close, so my feeling is Seb probably did. Last thing he said was he told Jamie he didn’t want to get into it over the phone.”

Tim looked concerned. “Who else knows? For certain?”

“As far as I know, only me and Noah. And I suspect Jamie, but he’s super protective of Seb. We all are,” I said flatly. “Anyone gives him shit and it’ll get ugly quick.”

“Yes, I’m getting a sense of that, but please don’t do anything reckless. Use your hot pass and come to me. Got it?” 

I nodded. I’ll try, but no promises if he’s being fucked with. 

“I’ll look into it, I promise. Thanks for the intel.”

***

I looked for Jamie between every class the rest of the day. I don’t normally see him in the afternoons, but I hung out in the halls hoping. Unfortunately, we never crossed paths. I know he’s probably losing it since neither Seb nor I made it back to math. I wish I had suggested that Mr. Tim call him down to tell him something. He has to be freaking.

When I got home, I grabbed some cheese and sank into the couch. Seeing Seb like that was intense. I wonder where he is and how he’s feeling. I envision him surrounded by therapists or doctors or whatever just breathing down his neck. I hope that’s not true, but it’s what I imagine. Next time I see Jan, I swear I’m going to ask her what happens in situations like his.

I finished my snack and closed my eyes. I have to clear my head before practice. I wonder if Craig feels exhausted when he consoles, or is worried about, me.

I had just begun to doze when a banging at the door startled me. Someone’s yelling my name, over and over. 

I recognize that raspy voice. It’s Jamie. I scurried to the door, where Jamie was panting and red in the face, his bike in the driveway. He must have pedaled over as fast as he could, just like he did a few weeks ago. He was worried about Seb then, too.

I’m still grounded and Mom will be pissed if she gets home and I have a friend over, but this is too important not to risk it.

*** End of Chapter 49 ***

Author’s Notes:

Apologies for this chapter taking longer than expected. We were writing some of Craig's side at the same time (and even have part of the next chapter of Awakening started).

We’ll get to Noah’s birthday party in the next chapter – Promise! I know were overdue for some naked boy fun.