Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:10:34 -0400 From: Sean E Subject: My Road of Life's Discoveries - Ch 5 Discoveries on My Journey of Life EKidKy - :o) I have to say, up to this point I was only hoping I would maybe, in some way, write something that would help someone along the way. I've now gotten a couple of emails from people who've told me just that and one in particular in a special, good way. All I will say is, those of you who have read and written me, you've made my day - you've made all of this worthwhile. All I can say is thank you - for everything. I guess the usual warnings should be in place: if you shouldn't be reading this, then don't. If you're a teen though, and you want see how I dealt with life and sex and feelings and being alone while I grew up though, then... It's up to you - I won't (or can't) stop you. Let's just say there is a lot of stuff in these chapters, and here I'm just continuing on... -------------------- --- Chapter Five --- When I look back on the weekend Cody spent with me, I get sad sometimes. Not because of what happened, because that was more of an awakening for me, if not more. I think though it's because that special feeling, that piece inside of me is still there, that thing we developed and shared. It's a part of me that will never die, an experience that woke me up not so much to the sexual stuff, but to the friendship and feelings we shared of just being together. At first I wasn't sure if I should finish how that weekend played out, then somebody wrote me asking about it, and I figured well, if one person is interested, then there are probably others too. The next morning, we were all awakened by a phone call, which neither Cody nor I answered, but I could hear Mom downstairs take it and talk briefly with someone. Shortly thereafter we heard a knock downstairs at the door, one which brought us both out of our slumber. We rolled over, sort of still cuddling, but not the usual hold-me-spooning we had been doing, listening as Mom answered. We heard her greet whoever was there, followed by her calling up the stairs "Cody, are you awake? Your Dad is here..." Cody groaned only a little as he swung his feet over the edge, grabbed some sweats and pulled them on as he went out the door and down the steps. I lay there, thinking about what had happened the night before, a smile on my face, and a hope in my heart that it wasn't going to end. I remember bending my knee a little - as much as the brace would let me - and feeling surprised I didn't have that much pain anymore, more just an ache than anything else. I've wondered a few times about how fate was so much a part of everything that happened. I mean, it was like someone in Heaver knew I needed a friend or something, because if not for that accident then none of this would have ever happened. I'm sure the sex stuff wasn't supposed to be a part of the equation, but still, I was on cloud nine that morning, and there could not have been a more pure happiness in my heart right then. After a few moments Cody came back upstairs, carrying a plastic sack, presumably his clothes and things, and as he entered the room, he gave me this big, sleepy grin. He put the bag on my desk, crossed over to the bed and pulled his sweats back off, quickly climbing back in the bed and cuddling up to me ever so close, hugging me to him, his leg crossing over mine, his arm pulling me inside of his warmth. It was so cool to just lie there like that for a little while, and I know he liked it just as much as I did. There was a look of peace on his face as he closed his eyes. The whole experience was short lived though. It wasn't long till Mom called upstairs, telling us to get up and come down to breakfast. I gave her a weak "Okay", and I remembered being saddened by it. Outside the rain clouds had broken up, and although it was still a mostly cloudy morning, the sunshine did break through here and there. I nudged Cody and he grunted, then rolled back and helped pull me over to his side of the bed. Before we got up, he waited, almost holding me down until I looked up at him, into his eyes, where he smiled and mouthed those words again - no voice, just soundlessly telling me what I already knew - 'Thank you'. And I returned it to him. He wrinkled his nose up, and sneezed, breaking the moment, then got up and pulled me up with him. We both had to pee, and he helped me to the bathroom where we stood at the commode and pulled our briefs down in front to do our business. I only tell this part because here is another milestone for me, a first: until that day, no matter where I went, or who I was with, I could never share a stall or even an open place, you know, where boys would pee together. I was bathroom shy, most of the time just freezing up, no matter how bad I had to go, unable to relax and let it loose. I was even teased about it with the guys a few times at school - although we had a few toilets with walls to divide them, we had no doors, no way to shield or have any kind of privacy; just open urinals, usually in a row of 4-5 at a time along the wall. I know, that may sound silly - especially in Europe, where boys are a lot more open about that stuff. Here in the states, though, some guys seemed to could do their thing and think nothing of it. I was just one of those who couldn't, and I attribute a lot of that at just being one who grew up mostly alone. There were a lot of times I would wait until middle of a class period during school then make some excuse up, when I had to "go" of course, get a pass from a teacher and go take care of myself then. Here though, was the first time, the very first time, I was standing almost hip to hip with someone, and I didn't "lock up". We both pee'd into the toilet, Cody even crossing his stream with mine at one point, and I thought that was so funny. Not sexy, not dirty or anything like that. I don't think I even looked at his cock when we did this, although I cannot remember exactly, and I surely don't know if he looked at me or not. I just remember feeling so relieved that I did it, and especially in front of him, because I would have had a hard time explaining my shyness to him if I hadn't. We finished, went back to the bedroom and put our sweats back on before going downstairs. Mom had made us pancakes and bacon, something pretty rare. Most weekdays, with just me and her around, we stuck to pop-tarts or cereal, simple things for breakfast. For a while I didn't even eat breakfast that much, but as I was getting older, I started feeling hungrier - that, and the fact the school lunches had a lot to be desired sometimes. We started a kind of usual routine with just the two of us. On weekends though, as long as Mom wasn't running late to something or whatever, she would make us a big breakfast of some sort: sometimes homemade biscuits and oatmeal, or eggs, sausage, biscuits, and gravy. If we had the stuff for it, she would even sometimes make some of the best, biggest, fluffiest, cheesiest omelets you ever saw too. Pancakes though, were a special treat, and Cody smiled big time, saying he hardly ever got those at all at home. The rest of our day played out pretty much downstairs, watching TV, playing a board game I had called Careers; we went upstairs some and played in my room, but Mom was home, and she was busy, cleaning house and moving around everywhere both upstairs and down. We could not have really done anything naughty even if we had wanted to, and to be honest about it, we didn't need to, not really. The whole day long Cody stuck to me like glue, and when she wasn't around, he was close. We watched some TV again, some of the movies she rented, and more than once he lay with his head on my shoulder, and I would his. We never held hands or anything, but we stayed close - oh so very close. In our sweats and t-shirts, we stayed mostly warm throughout the whole day, even in our bare feet, which easily found their way crossing the other's at times. It was all great for me, because for a little while, that whole weekend as it turned out, Cody did not leave until we went back to school on Monday; I had someone with me, who wasn't afraid of me loving on him, and him loving on me. As evening approached, even Mom got into the mood of relaxing and doing some things with us, which was okay. My Mom wasn't the most "playful" person in the world, but she had her moments now and then. She fixed us spaghetti and all the trimmings for supper, and afterwards talked us into playing Monopoly with her. So we did - a long, long game, probably 3-4 hours as I recall. At one point Cody almost won, but luck turned against him right about when we were going to surrender and I started to dominate everything. In the end, it was near midnight when Mom had finally had enough, so she sent us back upstairs, where we again fell into the bed, silent at first. I think we were both exhausted at that point, or at least I was. I let Cody pull my sweats off of me and put me under the covers - I thought at one point he might be intending to strip me naked, but he didn't, instead pulling his own off and joining me under the covers. As he cuddled up to me, and I to him - he didn't ask, didn't say a word, he just lay on my shoulder and took his hand and inserted in inside my underwear and took hold of me. I didn't exactly get hard - again because I thing we were just so tired; instead he just cupped my whole privates, fingering my nuts lightly, and just stayed there, relaxed. It was no time I heard him fall asleep, his breathing becoming deep and normal, and that made me smile and fall asleep right next to him. The next morning was when I got the rest of my "first" experiences though, and they were unreal in every sense of the word - so unreal that it became awesome, almost mind blowing for me. I woke up at a movement in the bed, a stir made when Cody got up and went to the bathroom, i think. I was on my side, my back to him, and I remember it starting to feel cold - starting because I think he must have been cuddled up to me, and our bodies were giving each of us some warmth in a way as they would. It wasn't light outside, but I could look out the window and see maybe just the signs of dawn starting to come up, and in the winter months, that meant it was probably 7-7:30 or so. I just lay there, listening, and after a minute he came back into the bedroom and crawled under the covers again and came right back up to me. I remember him looking at me and I remember smiling back as I put an arm around him, hugging him up to me. "This is so cool Cody..." He nodded and put his hand at the waistband of my briefs again, but didn't go inside. After a few seconds I looked at him, and he looked up at me. I didn't say a word - we were alone, Mom was most likely asleep and would before a while yet, and I was beginning to get aroused, feeling his hand there, his fingertips on my belly button, but his palm sitting right at the waist band. As we lay there, my cock started getting hard, and the harder it got, the more it grew and moved upward, eventually reaching right into yje edge of his palm. He grinned when he felt it, and moved his hand down more to touch me and take hold. When I reached full mast, and throbbed once or twice, he slipped his hand inside my briefs and took hold of me. "You're really hard...." I think I whispered 'Duh' and started to giggle, and he giggled too. He started to jack me off, and at first it was okay, but it got sort of uncomfortable after a bit. So I separated from him, sitting up, and noticing the door was closed, I peeled off my t-shirt and then gently took my briefs off, all the while he was lying by my side. I looked at him when I had finished, and then knowingly he sit up and did the same thing. We both lay back down, naked as the day we were born, and pulled up close to one another. I took my hand and fondled him a little, but he was more interested in me I think at that moment, as he started to jack me off again, slowly, under the covers. He whispered to me once, "I wish I had skin like yours," as I could feel him playing with me. I whispered back "I wish I was more like you..." He smiled, and then whispered "Can I do you like you did me?" I wasn't sure what he meant at that point, but I knew I trusted him completely, so I lay back and told him "Cody, you can do anything you want to me... anything..." He nodded and got this grin, and the next thing I knew he put his head under the cover, going south to my groin. The next thing I knew he stopped jacking me, pulling his hand away, and then I felt all of my dick slip in between his lips. I gasped at how hot it felt, how awesome and different it was. He had tried to tell me, tried to explain it to me that fateful night when I did it to him, but there were no words to describe this sensation, this feeling. He put my whole shaft inside - which probably wasn't that difficult; like I said once, we didn't measure back then, but I figured I was maybe 4 to 4-1/2 inches in length. I felt him just hold it there for a few seconds, then he started licking me, and that added more to this fantastic sensation. He pulled off after a few seconds, and the next thing I felt was him moving his lips down the side, right down into my pubes and then underneath to my nuts, pausing briefly before coming back up the other side, making little playful nibbles at me, not using his teeth, but just the sucking of his lips. That wasn't the best part though, as he took me back in his mouth again. I pulled the comforter down just as he lifted his head to go down on me, and I watched him sink me inside, but this time he was holding a firm grip, sucking me and sort of pushing my skin back. That didn't work all the way I don't think because he then took his free hand and started to pull my skin back from the base as he came almost all the way up and off, before stopping at my tip and slowly swallowing me back up. I watched myself slip all the way inside his mouth, in a daze. This time my skin was pulled back all the way; my cock head was fully exposed inside his mouth, and his tounge was touching my end, my slit. "OOoohhh ffuucckkk..." I let slip from my mouth in a whisper, and he giggled as he heard it, once again breaking that taboo of words we hardly ever used. He licked on me, his tongue going around in circles and playing on my end. At one point he came off of me and said "Man... this isn't bad..." before sinking back down on me again. I spread my legs, pulling my knees up to the sides; I was squirming like crazy, nothing could compare to what I was receiving from him. I whispered back, "I know..." He cupped my nuts - exactly why I don't know, but I know when he touched them I could feel them tighten. "Cody, I'm going to cum..." was all I could say, because unlike before, where everything was building up inside of me, this was coming fast. I could feel the tightness in my belly, could feel the little pull you sometimes get behind your navel; I could feel the connection pulse from the very base to the very tip of my dick. "Uh, you might, uh... Cody, you might want to uh back uhhhh off..." He ignored me though, just kept on, by now his tongue sort of inside my skin, staying right on top of my slit, working its way around in circles. I was bucking and trying everything I could do not to buck into him; and once again finally, I came, my boy cream erupting him like there was no tomorrow. We had both went all day Saturday and did nothing to release our pent up sexual energy, or the pressure that sometimes build. That Sunday morning, I had a whole day's sperm that had been generating, much from the awakening I had had just two nights before, going into overdrive. I pulsed forever; how much was actually milked into his mouth I'll never know, because he was quick to take it and swallow it. Like I had done him before, some seeped out onto his hand holding my shaft then, and he would take a dive down on me and lick it all up afterwards. My whole dick was in his mouth, in this warm, hot breathing cave I guess, and being played with. He finally stopped, letting me soften as he pulled off, then came up close to my ear. "Well?" I could not say anything, just look at him. I reached a finger and wiped some of my cream from the side of his lip. I looked at him and grinned like there was no tomorrow as I came down off of my plateau. He grinned back and when I didn't answer, he asked again "Well?" "Cody, I... I... " It took me a minute to find my voice. "You never did that before?" He smiled, "Never." "B-but you did it for me," my eyes shut for an instance, still reeling it all in. "Yeah," he whispered in my ear. "And you did it to me... so fess up, how was it?" I giggled. "Just like you said bro... it was fucking awesome!" At that he was satisfied. "Good. I wanted it to be." There you go, another one of those little things he said and did. He had 'wanted' it to be, for me. I looked at him. "You ready?" I grabbed and took hold of his raging hotness. He grinned, whispered "You don't have to..." I scoffed and pushed him on his back. I DID want to, and I wanted to bad. I was horny, and I wanted to taste him again, I wanted to feel his balls and scrotum and pubes... I wanted to smell him again, but most of all I wanted to do for him again what he had done for me. I won't go into any more details here. I sucked him off, all the way, taking his cream inside of me again, swallowing all of it. I licked all around him on the outside, including his nuts, and actually put them in my mouth for a little bit. I did everything that I could think of, trying to please him, trying to get him off as far as he would go. There could be no question when he cummed how much he loved it, how each thrust he made in my mouth was creaming me like something crazy. Afterwards we lay there, naked, the cover pulled up on us again, so very close. We got hard again after a bit and we tried to jack each other off at the same time. We giggled - at times it worked good, other times it was awkward. We hugged, full frontal hugs too, more than once, grinding into each other because it just felt so good. We spooned, too, and yeah he ground into my butt and I did him too. But mind you, actually screwing or anything never crossed my mind, and I doubt it did his either. It wasn't until i was much older I even figured out guys COULD do such things, to be honest. I would have thought it impossible, you know? For a lot of reasons, but even if we *had* thought of it, I don't know if I would have done it or not. I mean, if Cody had wanted to, I guess I would have tried it - I was willing to do anything for him, remember? - but I also thing I would have felt very guilty over it, because I think to me that would have been crossing the line. Screwing, rimming, all of that would have been hardcore sex to me, and although we talked about it, what it might be like screwing girls I mean, both of us also told each other we really didn't want or have any interest in doing it, not then anyway. Call it what you will, I think part of it is just the way we were raised, in our families, our church. That was a big taboo, and together we treated it as such. I got one other thing I'll bring out about that weekend. That whole day was spent inside yet again; I was up to hopping around on my leg, my knee doing a lot better as long as I didn't put my full weight on it. It had decided to rain again for most of the day. We lay around, this time spending most of the day away from Mom; our church only met every other weekend, so we didn't have to go this particular weekend or anything. That evening was cold, and we cuddled together a lot. We even took another bath that night, but with Mom home, it wasn't together. What was cool about it though is, without her knowing anything, first he came back from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, and then I did the same, and we each dried the other off. I remember as I did this too him taking one last, long look at him - not just his groin, but everything, and he knew what I was doing. He stepped closer and I reached out to feel him, his chest, his belly button, everything i could reach, before I dressed him, this time in underwear his dad had dropped off, but I put my t-shirt and sweats back on him. He did the same for me, reaching out and feeling me, but he didn't get as much out of it as I did. I know that, just from the little things, the expressions and stuff. And when we went to bed that night, it was no different than the night before. We cuddled, holding each other, and talking for a long, long time. At one point he got quiet and then whispered to me "Sean?" "Yeah?" "Thank you, for everything." I sort of gigglged. "Why are you thanking me so much? I should be the one thanking you..." He giggled, too. "We can thank each other then." "Cody?" "Yeah?" "Before this weekend..." I paused, because I wanted to say something oh so seriously, but I was fumbling my words again before I even got them started. "Hmm?" He waited patiently for me, I could tell, to let me sort it out. "I'm sorry bro, I just... I wish I could tell you what this meant for me, not the sex stuff, just..." Again, I stopped. "Us, trusting each other," he finished for me. "Yeah, I know Sean, me too." He giggled. "I was so scared the other night, you know?" "No way... How come?" He giggled. "I dunno, I just was I guess." He paused before adding, "It's not like I planned it, you know?" I nodded and answered in just as hushed a voice as he was using. "Yeah, I know... I mean, I had some dreams, some fantasies and stuff, but it wasn't like I ever thought they would happen or anything. I was just scared, too, I guess." "What made you decide, you know, to do it?" he asked me. I shrugged my shoulders. "You said it yourself, you asked me if I trusted you, and I knew deep down that I did." He looked at me and grinned, then leaned in a nuzzled my neck. I reached up, turned out the lights and cuddled up with him. "Sean?" "Mmm hmm?" "Do you think its wrong to love? Like, us?" I shook my head. "Nope, because you made me - I mean, we made each other brothers a long time before any of this happened. You were my best friend. You were my only friend really." I was fumbling again, I think, so I finally just ended it. "You're my Bro." He was quiet again, before he finally whispered, "Sean?" "Mmmm?" "Thanks, thanks for trusting me bro." I hugged him tight and after a minute he put his back to me and I remember leaning into his ear, spooning him up as close as I could, as I whispered to him "You're welcome bro. Thanks for being here for me... and thanks for trusting me, too." He took hold of my arms and pulled me tighter around him, and we went to sleep. I am until this day forever thankful that wasn't our last time together. We went to school the next day, and he seemed sad, but then so was I, but in the end we both agreed we wouldn't have traded anything for that weekend. As the weeks started to come, and Christmas approached, I think it was then I started to get heartsick again, not for the sex stuff - that was cool, trust me. I talked with him a couple of times when we could get off by ourselves, and once I asked him if he had been relieving himself any better - especially because of me. Of course, he got that wicked grin on his face and winked at me, afraid to say anything I think there at school. I remember feeling sad again, but right before we got up from the lunch table, he purposefully scooted close to me and wrapped his leg inside of mine, so subtle no one could have noticed it; and before we separated, he gave me another look, and mouthed the words to me, I think, that said 'You better believe it'. That put me on cloud nine the rest of the day, the rest of the week even. Christmas break started, we were out for two weeks. I was invited to spend the night with him, and you could not believe how excited I had been. He had warned me though, ever so quietly, not to expect anything, and I already knew there would be little to no horseplay. They lived in a ranch style, single floor house; both his parents' bedroom and his sisters sandwiched his. To make matters even harder, he slept in a twin bed, and although I was smaller than him then, we were both too big to really fit in it. They made me a pallet on the floor, and the night I was there, we did close the bedroom door when we went to bed, and we did strip together to our underwear, and as I started to get into the sleeping bag he stopped me, whispering in my ear, "I hope you know, you're still my bro... I still trust you." When he said that, I pulled him close, and was almost crying into his shoulder when I whispered back "Thanks bro, I miss you." He said 'I do too'. With that he actually got in the floor with me, and we both snuggled up in the sleeping bag for a little while, just like we had done that weekend, hugging and holding and spooning. I won't lie about it, I did cry - long after he finally got up and got in his bed, I lay there that night, listening to him breath deeply, knowing he was asleep. I didn't care about the sex stuff - I cared about him. The next day was Christmas Eve, and before we separated that morning, he gave me a present. I was floored - in all that time it never even crossed my mind, not even once, to get him something. I felt guilty, and I was angry at myself. I promised I wouldn't open it till the next morning, and I wormed my way out of not telling anything that I hadn't done anything. When Mom picked me up, I begged her to take me to Wal-Mart, anywhere, and give me a couple of dollars. I think she saw me almost ready to cry, and maybe she didn't understand at first, for once she didn't lecture me or anything, or try to coax out of me why it was so important. Then again, maybe it was the season or something, too. When we got to the store did she see the package I had in the back, I think for the first time, and her look changed. When she reached in her purse, she took out a $10 bill and gave it to me, saying she was sorry that it was all she had. I didn't expect that much, as it was, so I gave her the biggest hug I could give her, and told her to just give me a few minutes. I raced into the store and started looking everywhere for something. I went all over the place, electronics, books, sporting goods, even toys - although we were getting to old for them mostly, there were still a few cool things that were in there. Everything I found I would have liked, though, cost too much; I didn't have enough, and I wasn't going to ask for more. I knew Mom was already stretched really thin, being the holidays and everything. I was getting scared, and as I started to give up, I began to walk down the aisle to leave. When i got around one of the corners, I saw it - it was a t-shirt hanging on a rack, and it had this cool expression on it about what a best friend is. I don't remember what all it said, but there was one little line in it - one little part - that said a best friend was like someone you thought of as family, inseparable. I was afraid to look at the price, but when I did, it said $9.99. I was ecstatic, and pulled out what little change I had in my pocket. Would I have enough for the tax? I was 24-cents short. I was crestfallen and heartbroken - here is what I wanted to give him, it was a perfect size and everything. I started to walk away when an older lady walked up to the rack looking at some of the clothes hanging there. I wondered, even half-prayed under my breath, and I cleared my throat: "M-ma-mam?" She looked at me and smiled, waiting, and I pushed forward. "Would you, like, could you like give me a quarter? I mean, if you have it? I've almost got enough, just not enough for a-all of it..." Again she looked at me funny, and I showed her the t-shirt and the money I had in my pocket. She then smiled again and said "Sure, I can do that..." and then she pulled out her change purse and went through it. "I don't have a quarter, but tell you what, here is 25-cents you can have." I was ecstatic as she gave me some coins, and I gave her a big hug, something I'm sure surprised her. She had no idea what was going through my heart, or my head, so I finally smiled and thanked her again before I rushed off to the registers up front. When I got back to the car, I showed it to Mom and told her, and she smiled at me, and didn't say a word. We went home and she helped me wrap it up, and although we had run out of Christmas cards, I made one up with her help that was actually pretty nice. That night, she took me back over to Cody's house; they were gone, probably visiting family or something, so I put it inside the storm door with my card addressed to him. That Christmas he had given me a movie, and I was so happy. Later, in my bedroom when I went to open it, a little card popped and out fell, and the note said everything to me: "You'll always be my Bro." Later the next day he called me, and thanked me for the shirt. I asked him if he read it, and he said "You kidding? Only about a gazillion times!" His Mom took on a funny attitude again for a few weeks thereafter. We didn't get to visit each other until after we went back to school, and even then it was over a month before there came a Sunday when he begged, and finally got her permission to home with me after church one Sunday and spend the night. I remember him having an argument with her over it before she conceded, and I asked him what it was all about. All he would tell me was he'd tell me later. We went by his house to get his clothes and stuff for school, and then made it home. For a few hours, we played and wrestled and tickled and everything, just like old times. I could tell though - something was up. His smiles were only half there, and I was starting to get worried. Other than the wrestling and tickling, he didn't initiate much physical contact with me, and as the evening approached, it was becoming more and more obvious. I even tried a couple of times, just little things, but it felt like I was being rejected some, or something, and that was starting to really, really scare me. We ate supper that night and he was ever so quiet, and when we went back upstairs we started watching this movie and I was getting this bad feeling in me. There were a lot of times we watched TV, with no one around, and we were like, inseparable, but that night he kept his distance from me - not a big distance, but definitly different. Finally about 8:00 that night, in the middle of a movie, he got up and closed the bedroom door, and kicked off his shoes and socks before coming over to me. He sat next to me, even close for a change. "Sean?" I thought to myself, 'Uh oh, this is it...' I didn't know what was happening, and I tried really hard not to let it show so much. As I looked at him though, my face must have betrayed everything I was feeling. He looked almost ready to cry himself as he said "I've g-got to tell you something." I waited, and just nodded. He continued "D-dad... he's been p-promoted at work, they're giving him a different j-job." He paused and looked away, no longer facing me. "We're moving," I heard him say, almost in a whisper. At first it was all lost on me, I didn't understand. He didn't say anything, the silence was deafening until it finally sunk in, until it dawned on me. "You're leaving?" At that he did cry, sitting back and holding his knees to his chest. Seeing him cry made me cry too. All he would say is "I'm sorry...", and as devastated as I was, I think the harsh reality of life hit us both. I put an arm around him, but fought me at first pulling away, which made me want to cry even harder. I finally found my voice. "Why are you... I-I thought..." I was fumbling my words again, finding it hard to say what I was feeling, his rejection, this news... "I mean, you don't hate me, or you do, or something now, you don't want anything m-more to do with me o-or-". He stopped and whirled on me fast, pushed me backwards on the bed hard, climbing on top of me, pinning me down, trapping me underneath him. I looked at him in his eyes as he shushed me though, and I saw anger and hurt there. "How could you? How could you ever think that? After all the trust I've given you, after all you've given me!" I was stunned and hurt, and I started to cry again, bawling almost. He said it again, but this time less forceful, betraying how hurt he was, "How could y-you...?" I remember telling him through tears how sorry I was, it wasn't like that, just... I was as hurt as he was, and I had been so scared, seeing him reject me and stuff all day, not being, like, like we was before, almost afraid of me, and that it just was, I didn't know. He mellowed then, and hugged me ever so tight, rolling off of me but locking me up tight to him. Until this day, I still refuse to believe I was a drama king when I was growing up, and I knew Cody wasn't. I never really cried much, I kept a lot of stuff just bottled up inside. There were a few times, alone, with my pillows at night, when I got really down and nobody was around me when I would let it go, but for the most part I was ashamed for anyone to see me that way, including Cody. We had had a few happy cries together, especially that first weekend, but I think it was the closest we ever came to each other that way. This night though, as it all sunk into me, I was sad, and try as I might to not let it show so much, I failed miserably there those few minutes. I couldn't say anything; what could I have said, right? So that night we held each other forever, the TV playing in the background, but we never knew it was there. When we rolled or moved, Cody was right with me, he never pulled away or anything, hugging me tight, and making all of it really personal. I needed that; I don't know why, but I just needed to know he still accepted me for who I was. I think he needed it, too. Finally with what could have been an hour for all I know, but in reality maybe 15-20 minutes, he separated and looked at me. "Don't ever think that Sean, don't ever, ever think that. I was just scared, you know? I didn't know how you would, like, react or anything, I was just scared." I smiled. Yeah, this was one of our serious moments again. "Okay bro, I won't if you won't," I whispered, and then I got my voice back. "I think I can handle anything you ever throw at me Cody, but I don't think I could ever handle knowing I lost my brother. I love you too much to lose you right now..." He whispered. "You won't, cause I love you, too. You know I do." Yes, I did know it. Truth be told, I never lost him, not really - even to this day, we still call each other 'Bro', and he told me not too long ago I'm the only one he has ever called that, that I was the only one he ever felt that close too while he was growing up. At one point I finally climbed out of the bed and stood up, going to the bathroom to pee, and he followed me, once again sharing the commode with me. As I watched the both of us, I kind of giggled a little. "You know something?" "What?" I looked at him. "I used to could never do this till you came here that weekend with me." He giggled, "Me too." That surprised me, "Really?" "Yeah." "You were bathroom shy too?" "Yeah." When we went back to the bedroom, we stripped for bed, down to our briefs and climbed in. He said something about t-shirts and I said no, not tonight, that I wanted to hold him... if he would let me. He smiled and said something like try and keep me away. I remember we cried some more that night, together. He told me they were not moving too far away, just to Lexington, and that it still wasn't going to happen for a couple of weeks. He also told me he would try his best to talk his Mom into letting him come over one more time. I said something about coming over there, but he shook his head, saying no - he wanted to come here because my room was like his room too. I remember asking what he meant and he told me he felt like he belonged here, that this was his place too, to get away from everything. See why I went to the trouble of telling you guys what my room was like, my whole upstairs? It had this effect on me, and it did him too. He also said we would get together some, and I remember talking it over with Mom and she was in total agreement. In the months that followed, Cody did come vist me a couple of times up in the spring and summer, especially the weekend of my birthday. Mom had arranged that as a surprise, and when we were together, it was like we had never been apart. The turst and love we had built, our bond, never faltered. We didn't do so much sex stuff, but that doesn't mean we didn't do anything; the trust was still there, the bond was still there. As he got older, he also got bigger than me, and my little explorations of him took on a whole new light. I didn't grow like some of my classmates were, but I did still grow a little, you know, fill out some more, and he was still ever fascinated by my uncut skin, and he had a lot of fun with me as I did with him. Still, we were apart, and although our affection stayed strong, it gradually fell from the closeness we once had. For him, from the letters and emails we traded and phone calls and long, long talks we had, he would always tell me never forget we were brothers, and that always helped me a lot. He had gained new friends though, and within a year, they had moved again, this time out of reach for either of us to visit. To this day, though, we still trade Christmas cards, and yes, even now he still signs them "From Your Bro, Cody", with the word 'Bro' underlined and really bolded, every single time. Even when we traded emails, he did the same thing. For him, though, he had gone on with life, and I was happy for him. For me, though, I didn't - not for a long time. Mostly because once again, I was alone... ---- That ends my journey with Cody. No, I'm not done yet, there are still some discoveries to tell, but right now, I have to be honest, I cried remembering all of this and writing it down. You would think I should have let this go a long time ago, but its still here, inside of me, you know? It might take me a little while to get going again, I don't know. Like I said - that first someone is always so special, you know? I don't care what people say about this chapter, these last few paragraphs have been hard to write. I will say this much: I met Cody two years ago on my 20th birthday, and although I tried to put on that front, you know, that part of being all grown up and letting the past stay behind us, just being friendly and stuff, I think he knew I still hurt some inside. In fact, i know he felt it or saw something, because although we were with other people, it didn't stop us from getting a moment alone. When he did, I didn't have to ask, didn't have to show anything - he just started hugging me one again, in that deep personal way like we always used to do. He again whispered in my ear, "It's me Sean, I still haven't changed any. Never forget it, you'll always be my Bro." Even after all that time, two 20-yr old college kids, for an instant shared everything again -- and it was like we were 12 again. I didn't cry, but I know he saw it in me when we broke up, and we both smiled. That's how I want to remember him. My "brother" - my best friend. EKidKy@hotmail.com