Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 19:59:49 -0400 From: Jay Kool Subject: My So Called Life - Chapter 18 "My So Called Life" -- Chapter Eighteen by Jay Kool (jaykool74@hotmail.com) Okay this may seem like bragging or advertising, but this is a must read chapter. I apologize in advance for any torturing or pulling of the heart strings that may develop from this composition. Without this chapter you will be lost for the next two or three chapters that I have planned. I apologize in advance for including song lyrics that I wrote, but they were inspired by my writing this story series. "Suicidal Tendencies" --------------------- David and I were going to have a private talk. I can tell that he already knows, he can read me like an open book. I can never hide anything from him. How could I be so stupid and get into a physical relationship with Jason? I love Jason like a friend, not a boyfriend. I'm afraid I'm going to break Jason's heart, maybe David's heart and my own. Not to mention the fact that I have my dad's wedding to attend out of state and final exams in a week. I'm not sure what was better, being the picked on kid all the time in Chicago or being a semi-popular kid whose life is about to fall completely apart. My mother could tell something was wrong with me, she would ask but she wouldn't press me on the matter. Maybe she figured it was the wedding or finals coming up or that I might feel weird around David since he was in a coma for the last three months. I just wish I could figure a clean way out of this mess without hurting anyone. Everyone would probably be better off without me; God knows I'm the source of everyone's grief these days. With the pending doom of a conversation that could change the whole dynamic if not shatter my relationship with Dave, I decided that I was going to have to break up with Jason. I was going to have to find a good way to break up with him without leading him on in anyway. Jason's worst fear came true; David woke up. It's funny how we shared the greatest fear and the greatest hope of our lives at the moment. He waited patiently and possibly planned on a way to seduce me during a moment of weakness, sure that what David and I had would never be the same. His angst and the crush he had on me would turn into my curse in a moment of weakness. I needed a pleasurable release to distract me from reality, sadly to say I used Jason for my own gain the same way he used me. We were both guilty of the same crime even though the intent was totally opposite the other. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, I fully agree. I can clearly see the error of my ways and even though I'm not overly religious in any way, I know that God or fate is punishing me for failing the test of David's faith in me. I laid in bed for eternity unable to fall asleep analyzing, debating and planning the best things to say, where to say them and figuring out what Jason's possible reactions might be to me trying to break up with him. I surely didn't want David finding out before I had a chance to tell him what had transpired between Jason and me, but I had to end things as soon as possible with Jason. I figured I would invite Jason to come home with me after school so that I could break the news to him in privacy. Tell him how strongly I felt about David and that the in another time or place we may have had a chance at being boyfriends. That I had to remain loyal to my true love and that I would help him find a boyfriend of his own this summer that David and I would scout for one for him. I know that this probably won't stop the pain from ripping at his insides like a match lit to his heart, but I didn't want to lose him as a friend. None of our friends had a clue that we were gay and one of the promises I made to David was that I wouldn't allow anyone to find out. I broke enough promises, it was time to do everything in my power to protect David's feelings and be honest with him. I think I finally fell asleep and got about two hours before the alarm sounded off. I got ready for school and arrived in a daze waiting for the opportunity to ask Jason over and to the end of the day. I had to set things right again. I can't believe that I got so out of control without David in my life. I spoke to Jason and arranged for him to come over after school with me at lunch time. The plan was in motion, the rest required careful execution and an element of luck. Hopefully the relationship Jason and I had was merely physical for him like it was for me, but I know better. The day flew by in a daze. Jason arrived at my house and I let him in following him up the stairs to my room. Mom didn't usually get home for another hour or so making it easy to fool around. I instinctively closed the door as Jason started to strip off his clothes. He is a very cute boy. I stopped Jason telling him everything I rehearsed in my head last night and at first I thought that he would accept it and part as a friend. Instead he rejected what I said telling me that he knew that I wanted him and that we were meant to be, that I was too distracted by David to realize the true love that existed between him and me. As I tried to refute what he was saying he grabbed me forcefully down onto the bed and started to kiss me hard on the mouth grinding his pelvis into mine. Every time he gave me opportunity to catch a breath of air he'd attack my neck and ear lobes kissing and sucking on them, which by the way drives me totally crazy. I tried to tell him to stop but he kept kissing, grinding and groping me. My defenses couldn't hold up much longer when I told him that we needed to stop that this wasn't fair to David. He told me that this wasn't fair to him as he attacked my neck again and started to kiss my fiercely attacking my tongue and tonsils with his. With his last attack the last of my resolve faded as my teenage hormones took control of my thoughts and will power. I started to kiss him back as he fumbled my jeans open rubbing my cock through my boxers and eventually I did the same as he disrobed of his shirt before pulling mine off of me. Eventually we ended up in the 69 position giving each other blowjobs that felt too good and I had to stop him before I blew my load down his throat. He then told me to fuck him that he needed to feel me inside of him one last time. My first official breakup sex, it sounded like Jason was agreeing that we were breaking up. My hormones told my mind, what could it hurt having sex with him one last time. When you are horny you can reason anything out in your head. We both lubed up before I slow slid into him (I've noticed that he stays loose if we have intercourse at least every other day). It felt so good as I was fucking him that I never noticed when David walked in the room. I couldn't tell you how long he stood there watching us have sex before he finally started asking me how I could do this to him before he ran out of the house and home. Apparently it was a surprise for me today to learn that they let David out of the hospital and he wanted to have some "alone" time with me. I got up and threw on jeans, t-shirt and shoes as quickly as possibly so I could chase him down the street to try and explain to him what happened or was happening. I tried to talk to David, but he wouldn't listen to me he kept telling me to leave him alone. "David, come on and listen to me" "Get away Ty, I don't want to hear anything your lying cheating ass has to say. Don't make me have to kick your ass!" David projected with emotion in his voice. "Let me expl.." "You broke two major promises to me, one that you'd never cheat on me and the second that I would be your first and you would be my first. Plus you told your mom you'd let her know before you ever went that far. I assume your mom knows nothing about this since she suggested that I surprise you today!" David half yelled with tears streaming down his face. "I..." tried to say something but nothing more would come out of my mouth. I was in such a daze since he went into the hospital that I wasn't myself. I can't even believe how bad of a son and a boyfriend I had become in such a short period of time. I used to find it extremly hard to lie and it was easy. I betrayed my best friend and boyfriend, or should I say ex-boyfriend by the way things are going. I fear that I have lost him forever because of my stupidity. "I thought we had a special relationship built on love and honesty. Shut up and get the fuck away from me! I'm in a coma and this is how you stay by my side! Get away!" David said yelling at me before he pushed me out of the way slamming the door in my face. I headed home. I broke up with Jason for good and told him that we could never have any sexual fun again. I tried calling Dave ten or more times that night and every time I said hello, I was hung up on. Everyone would probably be better off without me was my final thought as I drifted off to sleep. ------------------------ David's point of view: David is sitting at the piano, alone with no one else in the house, playing the song that he had just written about Ty and him singing quietly to himself with tears streaking down his face... "All I Ever Loved" Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I ever loved, All I ever ever really loved I came back to life because of you, I came back cuz I couldn't bear the pain of losing you, I knew if I gave up living, That I'd make you live through hell I was so close to letting myself die Now I'm about to lose it and cry Now I'm realizing my worst fears As I try to hold back from shedding these tears Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I ever loved, All I ever, ever really loved I always thought our hearts would remain true I can't believe you found a way to let me go I can't believe you already found someone new I was willing to give my life for you Can't believe I trusted you with my heart Offered you all my love and support Can't belive my world is falling apart You became my whole world Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I ever loved, All I ever ever really loved No one else mattered in the world but you I gave heart and myself to you I would've died a thousand times Just to save you one time Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I ever loved, All I ever ever really loved Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I ever loved, All I ever ever really loved I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't play anymore without driving the spikes of sorrow deeper into my heart and soul. It's going to take a long time to get over the pain of what Ty did to me, as well as what my father did. I thought things were going well and I got careless. I let my journal in plain view for my mom and dad to read, because of the fit of rage my dad flew into, I ended up in the hospital allowing Ty to cheat on me with Jason. Even with this reasoning, I still can't believe that Ty would cheat on me and with a mutual friend of ours. What the hell was he thinking that I'd never find out? Or did he leave me for dead? How can I ever trust Ty with my heart again? I deal with the hardest few weeks or months of my life to find out that I can't count on my boyfriend to be there for me when I need him most. I was ready to come out the school and the whole world with Ty whenever he was ready. I didn't some heavy duty soul searching and thinking in the hospital the last week and decided I was going to live by my own rules from now on. I'm not sure which pain feels worse, the scars from my dad or the scars from Ty. I lost my dad in order to have Ty and in giving up my dad I lost Ty. Why does he keep calling me, he should know that I don't want to talk to him. I made that very clear this afternoon that I wanted nothing to do with anymore; I was lying to him as much as I was to myself. I could barely hold myself back from apologizing for how I behaved today, but I felt that doing that would condone his behavior and that he'd be likely to do the same thing in the future. I don't know why I held onto living, it would have been so easy to give up the fight and die when I was in the coma. God said that it was my choice to make at that point, not his. I followed his light to lead me back only so that I could live in hell. I guess this is what I get for falling in love and letting my emotions get the better of me. Why couldn't I just let Ty alone? Why was I so drawn to him? I know I was pretty pissed today and lost my temper. I have never ever spoken to Ty like that before, but damn it all he betrayed me. That little fucker Jason better watch out, if I found out that he put the moves on Ty instead of the other way around I'll pound his little ass into the ground. In fact I'm still boiling over just thinking about the situation. I finally decided to follow my mother's advice and walk away from the situation before I said or did things that I couldn't take back. I decided to talk to Ty tomorrow after school; I planned on making him suffer before getting my closure. Ty and I will never be boyfriends and there is no way we were meant to be. Maybe we can end up friends someday, but without me being able to trust Ty, I don't see how we can remain in a relationship. The next day at school I was welcomed back by everyone except Ty and Jason. For some reason they weren't talking to each other, I guess I expected them to be holding hands or something. I saw Jason in the hall way and I just pushed him aside (not hard enough to hurt anything but his pride) into the lockers as I was headed to class without saying a word to him. The shocked look in his face was priceless. The boy was deadly afraid of me and for now that would be okay. In class today, Ty didn't even look at me or say anything to me; he sullenly stared at the linoleum floor. He looked pathetically sad, but he must pay for his sins. At lunch, David and Ty sat by themselves away from the lunch group table. Everyone was puzzled to their odd behavior and I decided that it wasn't my place to tell what had happened yesterday. By the end of the school day I was feeling a bit guilty about the situation and I decided that I would try to beat Ty to his house and sneak in; I knew where his mother hid the extra key for the back door. I thought I beat David home, but the back door was unlocked so I walked in quietly and up to his room, his bathroom door was open with the light on so I figured he was there. I walked into the bathroom where I noticed the bathtub was full of bloody water, the tile by the tub and tub were covered in blood. I almost fainted but kept my composure enough to run into his bedroom to call 911 and give directions before I collapsed on Ty's bed. The room was spinning by the time I heard a knock at the door and the doorbell ring. I managed to get up let the paramedics in leading them up to Ty's bathroom. I can't believe how pale he looked and cold he felt, he looked almost like a ghost. I guess the breakup was more than he could take... hopefully my call was in time enough to save his life. If you like this story series so far, you may want to read my other fiction story series: (They are probably archived in a previous year or so, please do a find on them...) Gay --> high school --> Music Store Teens Bi --> college --> College Firsts Any non-flamer feedback is welcome, email me at jaykool74@hotmail.com I will be creating a mailing list for chapters as they are released. (c) Copyright 2005 by the alias of JayKool74@hotmail.com