Date: Tue, 07 Sep 2004 23:20:07 -0400
From: Jay Kool <jaykool74@hotmail.com>
Subject: My So Called Life - Chapter 9

"My So Called Life" -- Chapter Nine by Jay Kool (jaykool74@hotmail.com)


	So now my dad knows that I'm gay and from what I could tell he was
more disappointed than shocked by what I had told him.  I admit I never
went into the details of my sex life with him, but then again he never gave
me the infamous, "The Talk".  I didn't sleep well after my conversation
with him and didn't know whether or not his acceptance of what I told him
had to do with trying to keep me from running away or if it was because he
had an unconditional love for me.  The kind of love where he'd love me no
matter what I did or what happened to me.  I guess he won't be able to brag
up to the office about the hot girls I was getting or anything.  I'm sure
it must be tough for my dad who was a jock in high school and college to
father a wimp like me.
	I guess I was lost in thought and crying to myself without
realizing it when my father tapped lightly on the bedroom door.  He entered
telling me to get up to get ready to go meet his girlfriend for breakfast
when he notice that I was crying again, why did I always have to be such a
sissy.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him that nothing was wrong
when he sat down on the bed next to me and told me that I could tell him
anything.  I guess I gave him a very disbelieving look because he started
to tell me how much he meant what he said.  He told me that I was his only
son and that my happiness mattered most to him.  I guess I kind of chuckled
like he told me a corny joke because he asked why I was laughing at him.  I
told him that if he was truly worried about my happiness that he'd move
back in with my mother and I instead of living here in Chicago.  I could
see that my words stung a bit but there was no way I was going to back
down, I wasn't worried about pleasing my father anymore and really didn't
care if I saw him or not.  He told me that I didn't understand and that I
would understand someday what he was going through.
	I got a little carried away and raised my voice sounding extremely
angry or you could say I was releasing some of my pent up hostility.  His
face was turning red and I believe he was getting mad, realizing that his
son wasn't going to let him get off easy for fucking around and abandoning
his family.  I can't believe I actually stated the thoughts that were in my
head, I don't think today is going to work out real well.  My father was
pissed off to say the least, but I could tell that he was trying to keep
his cool; after all I was his roommate for the next two weeks.  I told him
that I didn't want his excuses or sympathy that I knew my life sucked and
that I was here to appease my mother, not him.  Words contain an edge that
hurt worse than any knife could.
	He left me telling me to get ready to go to breakfast; I obeyed his
command silently and did the usual to prepare myself to go out into the
world.  I arrived downstairs at the front door ready to leave when he tried
to grab me in a hug from behind.  A year ago this would have been perfectly
acceptable behavior, but not now, he was almost a stranger to me now that
he divorced my mom.  I squirmed and slipped out of his hug, accidentally
elbowing him in the side, I noticed that he winced but he never said
anything about it to me, so I blew it off.
	We pulled into a parking lot of a Bob Evans and met his girlfriend
in the lobby.  She asked why I was so unhappy and I just glared at her as
my dad introduced us and I shook her hand after he bumped me.  I was, "a
feisty one".  I almost felt like thumbing my nose at her for her making
such a stupid comment.  I guess I didn't register as a real person to her
yet, so she figured she'd talk to me like I was a four year old or
something.  My dad sensed my discomfort and told her that I was highly
intelligent for my age and that she could talk to me like an adult.  I told
her that I'd be happy to eat at the counter by myself so that I wouldn't
disturb them and received a threatening look from my him, I guess he
expected me to be on my best behavior.
	We were seated at a non-smoking booth and they took one side as I
sat on the other side, great it's two against one.  They were trying to
make chit chat with me as I gave short answers of yes, no and maybe.  My
father was getting irritated by my replies and told me to come to the
restroom with him excusing us from the table.
	I reluctantly followed knowing that I was going to receive a
lecture.  I washed my hands at one of the sinks as he started to speak
telling me that they deserved my respect as his father and as elders that I
was not being a gentleman.  I turned around throwing the paper towel in the
trash rolling my eyes at him when he slapped me across the cheek.  I stood
defiantly with tears rolling off my face with my cheek feeling as if it was
on fire and told him to hit me harder if it made him feel better with a
slight tremble.  He started to apologize when I told him to leave that I
needed a few minutes alone.
	As he left I went into a stall and sat on the toilet.  How in the
heck could I provoke my dad to hit me?  He never hit me in the past, it
didn't matter how mad he got.  I sat crying missing my mother, David and
home.  I lost track of time when my father came back in asking what was
wrong with me, I guess my sobs were audible to him when he asked why I
seemed to cry so much.  I told him that it was none of his business and
that I couldn't wait to get back home.  He told me to dry my eyes that his
girlfriend Diane was getting hungry and wanted to eat before taking me
Christmas shopping.  I told him that I already finished my shopping and
that she could go without me.
	"What do you want to do?  Become a recluse locking yourself away
from everyone?  Isn't there any room in your heart to love anyone else?"
My father spat as I cried as quietly as I could in the bathroom stall.  "It
isn't helping anyone with you acting like baby all of the time.  Life
doesn't always turn out how you want it to be, you need to grow up, get
tough and act your age.  I want you out at the table to eat breakfast in
ten minutes or I'll come in and bring you out myself!"
	I walked out of the bathroom after drying my eyes, I'm not sure if
it five, ten, twenty or a hundred minutes after my father made his demand.
I sat down on my side of the table and heard Diane whisper to my father,
"Why is he crying?" To which my father told her that I was just homesick
and missed home, that this was the first time that I was ever away from my
mom.
	The waitress came to take our orders and when she asked what I
wanted, I told her that I didn't want anything to eat.  This caused my dad
to shift in his seat and he decided to order for me as well as himself and
Diane.  I almost asked him how he knew what she liked to eat for breakfast
in the morning but figured that wouldn't be advantageous to my health at
the moment.  Diane and my father talked trying to include me in the
conversation but I wasn't in any mood to talk and pretty much stared sadly
at the table.  How in the hell did my life turn out to be like this?  What
did I do to deserve this?  Breakfast went by and I hardly touched my food
and my father decided that if I wanted to starve myself that he wasn't
going to force me to eat, that I would eat when I was hungry.
	They dragged me to the mall and through half of it asking my
opinion on clothes, electronics and tools.  I pretty much said that
everything was okay when Diane asked me if anything had caught my eye, I
told her no.  My father stated that I was so much easier to satisfy when I
was younger and that all changed when I turned thirteen.  My dad didn't
even know my age, no wonder I was so screwed up.  He noticed me looking at
him funny when he asked what was wrong and I told him that I was twelve not
thirteen.  Embarrassing moment in front of his girlfriend, priceless.
	We went into the Aeropostle store when I spotted one of the cutest
guys I had ever seen, excluding David.  Diane figured that I was staring at
the girl next to the boy and said how cute it would be with me dating her
and that I should go and say hi.  I told her that I wasn't interested in
girls and she took that to mean that I was still in that faze where all
boys act like they hate girls and she started to tease me about how all
girls were gross and had cooties.  I told her in a quiet voice that I was
gay and heard my dad slap himself on his forehead; once again I was
humiliating him.  I never thought it would be so easy coming out but when
it's someone you don't value the opinion of it is quite easy.  Well I
stunned Diane who asked my father if it was true that his son was a little
faggot loud enough for the cute boy and the girl next to him to look
directly at me.  They did the math in their head and had their chuckle even
pointing at me.
	My dad tried to get out of admitting it but then said that he had
just found out last night and was just as shocked as she was.  My dad's
girlfriend was a homophobe.  He stated that it was probably just a faze and
that I would get over it, so much for him loving me no matter what
happened, he couldn't love me for who I was and stick up for me.  I pretty
much told them to fuck off as I ran out of the store getting lost in a
crowd of shoppers.  I was crying again like a little girl when I ran up the
escalator to the third floor from the first floor and went into a bathroom
that I found.  For the second time that day I had a good cry sitting in a
public restroom.  Hi world, I'm a sissy.
	Men and boys came and went from the bathroom with a few of the
younger boys asking their fathers why I was crying.  It wasn't that they
could see me, it was that I was easily heard crying my head off.  I
couldn't stop weeping when I started to get dizzy.  The next thing I knew I
was lying face down on the bathroom floor, which was disgusting but before
I regained my consciousness a couple of paramedics were at my side rolling
me onto a stretcher.  One of them asked my name as another asked if I was
alright and then they asked what had happened.  Nothing happened, why were
they asking.
	My head was hurting really bad and I started to get dizzy again
when I started to puke.  The next thing I knew I was at a hospital with my
father and Diane at my side.  Yeah I had my second concussion in a little
over three months already.  My father said that mom would be flying in
later today and that she'd be there to see me.  I tried to speak to tell
him not to worry her about me but I couldn't manage to get the words out.
I'm not sure what kind of medication they gave me but it left me
speechless.
	He tried to reassure me that he loved me and that he would never do
anything to hurt me and neither would Diane.  That she didn't hate me or
anything but was a little surprised to learn that I was gay and astonished
how open I was with my sexuality.  I didn't want to tell him at the moment
why I was so open and came out so easily to them, I didn't want to hurt him
that bad at the moment.  He told me that he was worried when I ran off and
that they were looking all over the mall and the security guards didn't
have enough men to look for me.  I fell asleep, due to the drugs taking
affect and woke up to my mother arguing with my dad telling him that the
doctors found nothing wrong with me in September.  I think I told them to
be quiet, but I honestly cannot remember.  My mother came over to me
weeping and kissed me on the forehead.  She loved me; I didn't need to hear
her say a thing.  I guess my dad and Diane felt out of place and decided to
go to the cafeteria to eat.
	Mom held me in her arms until I drifted off again and I woke up in
the middle of the night to an empty and dark room.  For some reason I
started to panic when one of the machines went off signaling to a nurse
that something wasn't right.  The next thing I knew I had three nurses and
a doctor at my bed calming me down and asking me questions.  I overheard
one of the doctors tell a nurse that the dosage of one of the medicines was
too high for a boy of my size, and he adjusted it.  One of the nurses about
to leave volunteered to keep me company until I fell asleep.  She was nice
and sang me a lullaby.


If you like this story series so far, you may want to read my other fiction
story series:

Gay --> high school --> Music Store Teens
Bi --> college --> College Firsts

Any non-flamer feedback is welcome, email me at jaykool74@hotmail.com