Chapter Twenty-Six

JJ slumped into the puffy overstuffed chair and got comfortable. Dr. Dull set a timer on his phone and got out his legal pad and JJ's folder.

"I'm ready whenever you are, Joshua."

Cringing, JJ started in about the latest almost-kiss with Travis when Dr. Dull interrupted him.

"While that's fascinating, how are you doing?"

JJ paused as he thought. "I guess I'm mad that Travis keeps--"

Dr. Dull tutted. "Stick to yourself."

JJ sighed. "This summer has been kinda hard on me."

"Why?"

"I haven't been able to hang with my friends like I usually do because of doing community service, and my parents have been gone, too. I just feel so . . ."

Dr. Dull gave him a reassuring look. "Complete your thought."

"Alone. And the only time I don't is when I'm with him."

Scribbling on his pad, Dr. Dull looked up. "Travis?"

"Yeah. When we're together, I can be myself and not worry about doing or saying something uncool or geeky."

"Right. But getting back to your earlier thought. Do you fear being alone?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

"And why's that?"

At first, JJ didn't know how to answer. Finally, he said, "I just want to belong, you know? Be with people who like the real me, who love me for me."

Pursing his lips, Dr. Dull wrote something on his pad. "What's your relationship with your parents like?"

"Nonexistent. They're gone most of the time, and I've basically raised myself since I was like ten."

"And when they are home?"

"When they're not ripping on me for embarrassing them, they're making me go to stupid charity events like tonight or forcing me to do extracurriculars. You know, I just wish for once I could talk with them and not have to worry about them criticizing me for every little thing I did or didn't do."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Like I don't matter to them--scratch that. I know I don't matter to them."

JJ fought back his tears, but they came anyway. Dr. Dull handed him the box of tissues on his desk. "How do you know that?"

   After he'd recomposed himself, JJ told him about a fight he'd overheard his parents having. His mother was sick of looking after "the snot-nosed brat," and his father told her, "I didn't want him either." Marianna started looking after him and the house soon after.

Sighing, Dr. Dull shook his head. "First, Joshua, I want to reiterate that you're worthy of love, dignity, and respect regardless of how your parents have treated you."

"Thanks, Doc. But it's hard not to feel like no one cares about me."

"That's understandable. Our relationships with our parents set the mold for all others. You seek love and validation from others because your parents never gave you that. But the truth is, no one can give you what you seek except yourself."

JJ cocked his head to the side, confused. "I don't understand."

"If you don't first love yourself, then you'll constantly search for it in others, accepting whatever scraps of affection and attention they throw your way."

JJ looked down, thinking about what Dr. Dull said. He recalled all the times he'd played the fool or went along with the crowd to be liked, how he'd said and done things he didn't want to, so he would belong. He wasn't being true to himself, and because of it, he'd hurt Travis more times than he could count. After getting to know him, JJ vowed that was the last thing he'd ever do again. At that moment, he decided he didn't want to be that person anymore.

"How do I fix things?"

"Know, it's not your job to fix things with your parents. You can open the lines of communications, but they must be receptive and take an active role. As for developing self-love, I suggest making friends with people who share your hobbies and accept you as you are. There's an LGBTQ+ community center in Ferndale that has a youth drop-in and other activities for people your age. I can give you the info if you'd like?"

JJ nodded, and Dr. Dull gave him a card that read, "Affirmations LGBTQ+ Community Center." He tucked the card into his wallet. "Can we talk about Travis now?"

Dr. Dull laughed. "You're incorrigible, but yes."

"So, Travis and I were play wrestling, right? When he pinned me and our eyes locked. I legit thought he'd kiss me, but then my friends buzzed in, and he rolled off me like I was The Toxic Avenger or something. I just don't get him."

"Has it ever occurred to you that you might be reading into things, and Travis might not know what he wants?"

"Why? Did he tell you that?"

"You know I'm not at liberty to discuss that. All I'm suggesting is you go slowly. First relationships are fraught with problems because you don't know what to expect. But in my experience, the relationships that last are all founded on a solid friendship. Have you told him you were stalking him?"

"No," he said, shaking his head, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"Joshua, a relationship based on lies is like a house of cards. Eventually, it collapses. Tell him before things get too serious. The longer you put this off, the more it will hurt him. Travis--oh, dear. Our time's up. I think we've had a breakthrough here, though. Promise me you'll think about what I've told you."

"Sure, Doc," JJ said, but he didn't mean it. Why does it matter I've stalked Travis? It's not like I still do it, so why should I tell him? He'd just blow up. Nope. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

As he passed Travis in the waiting room, they exchanged smiles and hashed out plans to hang out tomorrow. They bumped fists and promised to call each other later.   

***

Travis watched Josh walk away, his skin still tingling from when their knuckles touched. He shook his head and went into Dr. Dull's office, shutting the door behind himself. Dr. Dull set the timer and got out Travis's file. "Anything happen since our last session that you want to discuss?"

"Grams visited, and we went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday early since I'm dying," he said, mumbling the last word.

"I didn't catch the last part."

"I said since I'm dying!"

The pictures on the walls rattled, and Travis admonished himself for losing control.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Again, with this feelings crap. Don't you know how to ask anything else?"

Dr. Dull threw down his legal pad and stood. "Did that get your attention? Good. Session after session, I've sat here and listened to you bullshit me about how you don't care about anything or anyone. But that's all a front. Somewhere along the line, you got it into your head that emotions are a weakness. But they aren't; they're what make us humans."

"Actually, our superior mammalian brains capable of spatial awareness, toolmaking, logic, and self-awareness are what make us human."

"Why must you always reduce everything to materialism?"

"Because science is the only proven method to determine reality."

"And what about emotions? What about love?"

"A trick of brain chemistry."

"Then why is it every time I bring up your feelings for Joshua, you shut down?"

"I do not!" 

Dr. Dull's massive, cherrywood desk sailed forward, pinning him against the wall.

Fick mich!  

He pulled the desk off Dr. Dull and apologized.

"How did you move my desk so easily? It weighs close to 300 pounds. And how did it move in the first place?"

 Agent Anderson said not to let anyone know about my powers, or they could cause trouble for us. Schiesse. What am I going to do now? I can't exactly lie. Can I trust him? I mean, he's never told me anything about his sessions with Josh, and Josh has never mentioned anything I said in my session, so--

"Travis, are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I need to call the police?"

He groaned, massaging his forehead. "I have powers." He gave Dr. Dull a synopsis of events without mentioning Prometheus or Oblivion since he didn't want to be committed.

Dr. Dull stood in stunned silence, open-mouthed like a fish. After he regained himself, he said, "So, the poltergeist activity from before was . . . you?"

   "Yeah. My abilities are tied to my emotions, so when I lose control, things go flying or explode."

He nodded. "Then emotions aren't just a weakness to you. They're a liability. No wonder you've been reluctant to accept your feelings for Joshua. You're afraid of losing control and hurting him?"

"More or less."

With shaky hands, Dr. Dull pulled a bottle from his desk, took two big gulps, and put it back in his desk. "Perhaps if you stopped suppressing your emotions and dealt with them in a healthy way, you wouldn't lose control like this."

Travis scoffed. "When did you become an expert on super-powered humans?"

Dr. Dull scratched his chin. "I'm not. But it stands to reason if emotions trigger your powers, then learning to express them constructively could help you master them."

 Travis couldn't fault his logic and thought back to Oblivion's advice to separate his emotions from himself. He'd hit Google when he got home.

"Anything else you want to discuss?" Dr. Dull asked, voice quivering. "We still have twenty minutes."

"Josh introduced me to his friends."

"How'd that go?"

"Amicable, mostly, but I wanted to rip Henry and Matt a new one when they pantsed me."

"That's a normal reaction. And have you sorted through your feelings for Joshua yet?"

"No."

"Why?"

"What's the point? I'm dying, and it's not like he'd want to be with me anyway."

"Travis, catastrophizing serves us no good. Everything is possible, but that doesn't mean it will happen. Talk to Joshua. And worst-case scenario, you'll stop being friends."

"What if I'm not willing to take that risk?"

"I--we'll have to take this up next time. Promise me you'll at least consider telling him how you feel."

"I will."

Travis waited until he was a few blocks from Dr. Dull's office to bring up his location on Google Earth then map the route from there to his house. Pictures in mind, he Popped home, only off by two blocks this time, a bit tired but otherwise fine. 

After browsing online for a while, he got bored and went to work on his robot Cha. He'd gotten it to do the cha-cha slide and was now working on making it do the nae nae. He'd put in the last line of code and was about to hit execute when Josh called him. It was close to midnight, and he sounded drunk. "I hate my parents!" he scream-cried and proceeded to tell Travis about his horrible night.

 He'd hadn't wanted to go to the stupid party, but his parents insisted he attend. Then they forced him to play the good son and mingle with the other teens there. An hour in, and he'd started sneaking glasses of champagne, and when his parents found out, they had a blowup and went home.

"I'm never, ever gonna be good enough for them. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I just wish they loved me. Nobody does."

"That's not true. Your friends--"

"They don't care about me. No one does. No one would miss me if died."

"I would," Travis said. And he meant it with all his heart and soul.

"You would?"

"Yeah. Now go to bed, and when you're not so drunk, we'll talk all about your crappy parents."

"Imma hold ya to that, mister," he said, slurring his words.

"Night, Josh."

They ended the call, and, after training, Travis went to bed so happy, he was still smiling when he woke up four hours later. 

 

Author's Note: Next time, Travis and Josh have their first sleepover.

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