Hearing Felix sing a full song is so much different than just listening to him uttering a few lyrics when we played guess-the-lyrics. In fact, hearing him sing a full song was a world apart from just listening to his unfinished verses and hanging on his words.

Felix Corbel, much to my amazement, could make every other noise in my head almost deafening in silence. When Felix sang, it was only his voice that prevailed and tried to make sense of the mess that was my thoughts.

However, there was one and only one condition for him to sing.

No one else, not even his mom or dad, should hear him singing. Perhaps miraculously, it was only I who he allowed to have the privilege of being inside his bedroom while he practiced his vocals. Not even William was given the chance to hear him. Somehow, it made me feel special.

"Are all of you s'posed to be looking at me like that?"

I snapped out of the trance he put me into and closed my mouth. "Looking like what?"

"You're looking at me like...it's weird," Felix said. "Do I have something on my face? Is that it?"

"N-no," I answered. "And sorry about that. It's just...you sound amazing."

"So that gives you an excuse to look at me like I have two heads and eight eyes?"

"Four eyes," I corrected and he looked strangely at me. "If you have two heads, you'd have four eyes, right?"

Despite wanting to dissipate the awkwardness of it all, I only managed to steer myself into a more awkward stance before Felix's unwavering gaze.

Still, after a few seconds, Felix managed to do what I failed to achieve. With a little curve at the corner of his thin lips, he urged a smile from me and with the start of a light chuckle, he brought out the laughter in me as well.

When Felix laughed, I could easily laugh along with him.

"Do you really think I sound good?" he asked.

"You sound awesome," I contested. "Not just good."

"Don't flatter me, Chase."

"I'm not," I argued. "I'm just telling the truth."

Felix resumed his previous expression, the lack of smile and laughter quite evident when he fixed his eyes on me once more.

"Ever since you talked to me again, all you say about me are good things," he started. "It's either you're a big fat liar or you just want to get into my pants."

I blushed at that second possibility. I couldn't give him a straightforward answer. All I knew was that whatever it was about Felix, I'd only see the good in it and not so much on his negative traits if he ever had any.

Now that Felix mentioned it, I realized how fucked up I was. I couldn't be sure, at my age, if love was truly blind. But in my case, it may as well be.

"I can't help it, Felix," I told him. "I told you I like you and...and that includes everything about you."

A short pause before he responded, "Don't be so sure."

"What if I am really sure?"

"You don't even know everything about me, Chase. You think you'd still like me if you knew just how much I wanted to get rid of..."

At the instant when Felix caught his words, I noticed how he held onto them desperately and allowed me to hear no more of what he would've said.

"Get rid of what?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"Felix. Just tell me, please."

"It's none of your business," he spitefully said. "I think we're done for today. Go home, Chase. I have other things to do."

"But..."

"Please."

There was something in his plea that I could not contend with. No matter how much I wanted to hear more of what he had to say or just to spend some time with him talking about his music collection and whatnot, hearing him plead for me to leave left me with no choice but to comply.

Before I left, I asked, "You'll tell me some other time, won't you?"

He was silent for a couple of minutes, just staring at me standing by his bedroom doorway. Sighing, he answered, "Maybe."

I nodded and left without even saying goodbye. I could tell from the look in his green eyes that he had a lot of thinking to do and that he wished to be alone more than anything in this world. Who was I to deny him of that? Besides, I also needed to clear my head of his voice. Who knew that without so much noise in my head, I'd still be utterly confused?

Since it was a Saturday, William and I agreed to meet up at our `meeting place' at the playground. Unsurprisingly, there were some other kids there, but we easily got rid of them by telling them that the ice cream truck was just around the corner. As consolation though, we told them the truth.

"So?" was William's first question. His eyes were as eager to know my answer as his voice. He leaned a bit toward me, his hands both on his knees with his legs curled under his butt.

"Same as always," I answered.

For the past week, I helped Felix to practice his singing after school and on the weekends. And each time we finished, William would ask how it went. On a school day, we'd text each other and I'd tell him the same thing as always: Felix sounds amazing.

This was the first weekend since Felix started practicing and I needn't text William to tell him the same news.

"He sounds amazing," he uttered monotonously. "Yeah, yeah. What else is new?"

"I think he's hiding something from me," I admitted.

"Nothing new with that, too."

I gave him the `what-the-fuck-do-you-mean' look and he returned it with his `you-know-exactly-what-I-mean' gaze.

"It's about his therapy, Chase," William said. "I'm surprised you still didn't ask him about it."

"It's none of my business," I told him, knowing now what Felix meant when he said those words to me earlier. "If he wants to tell me, I'll listen. But I don't think I can just ask him about it."

William just shrugged as if affirming to what I just said.

"There's not much you can do as my wingman, is there?" I said, suddenly wondering why we still needed to meet under the circumstances. Really, he wasn't `winging' anything at all. He'd only leave me with lots of questions including how the fuck can his blue eyes look so deep and...mesmerizing.

"I guess so." He sounded sullen about the fact.

"I was kidding," I told him, not wanting to see his disappointed face. "You've been helping me out since you splashed that OJ on my face. That was a wake-up call."

He giggled at the memory and so did I.

"I'm still not doing much. And now, Felix doesn't even want me around when he's practicing. Nothing I can do."

"At least he agreed to do the auditions."

"Yeah."

There was something about William that whenever we both fell silent, it didn't only feel awkward. Unlike Felix who made it feel like I didn't exist when he kept quiet, when William was silent, it was as if he didn't exist at all. And as much as I didn't want that to happen, I needed him to tell me about anything just to break the silence. I couldn't depend on my often mumbling mouth to change the topic or whatever.

"Do you ever think about sex?"

I was dreadfully wrong. William's mouth sputtered more nonsense than mine.

"Sometimes," I answered. "Not always, okay? I'm just 12 Willy! Lots of homework to ever think about...sex with a girl."

"Not a girl," he corrected. "With a boy."

Oh. Oh. Uhm...

"It happens, you know."

"I know," I bashfully said, desperately trying to get rid of the image forming in my mind.

"You think it's normal?"

"What? Thinking about sex?"

"Yeah...and with a boy."

"Uhm...I don't know. Is it?"

William sighed deeply and leaned back against the plastic tube. He unfolded his legs under his butt and partially stretched them forward, his knees curved up `coz of the cramped space we were in.

"I guess," he said. "It's not like I know anything about it anyway."

"So why ask about it in the first place?"

The instant he sent me an unreadable look, I dreaded asking the question. William had something...inexplicably horrifying on his mind.

"Remember when I told you that Felix said you have a HUGE penis?"

"You were clearly lying about that," I insisted. "He never saw me naked."

"If you can't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"Whaaaat?"

"Simple, Chase. You fell asleep, Felix woke up in the middle of the night and he went down to look in your undies and..."

Hearing only those few words slowly got me an erection. Damn imagination was so vivid that I could perfectly make out the outline of Felix's nose when he went down to see my crotch and what hid underneath. But...but...

"...happened when you were both seven. Your first sleepover with him."

If memory served me right, Felix and I didn't do anything during that time when his mom told us to go to sleep or else. And I couldn't remember feeling anything in my sleep or even dreaming about it. What William was saying was impossibly true.

"You're lying," I whispered.

"Say that as much as you like, but it's the truth."

"Why are telling me about this?"

Williams's eyes settled inadvertently on my crotch and I followed his gaze. He pointed to it with his cute lips and said, "I just wanna know if Felix was telling the truth. From how it looks, I bet you do have a huge dick."

In my whole life, I never did any measurements to confirm or negate what William boldly claimed. But from how it feels in my underwear, my hard-on was quite big this time. All thanks to that image of Felix secretly seeing it for himself.

"You think we can..."

"No, no, no!" I yelled before William even finished.

"We're both boys, Chase. What difference is there between yours and mine?"

I remember Felix using a part of that justification. We're both boys, Felix told me not long ago. And, according to him, we weren't supposed to like other boys or maybe even think about their body parts and whatnot.

William, however, was saying that there wasn't any difference between us boys and what lay underneath our clothes.

Who was right between the two of them?

"Wanna come over to my place tomorrow?" he invited and I knew from how he asked the question, he was expecting me to not say `no'.

"No, thanks," I told him.

"Whyyyy?" he whined. "I'm not gonna rape you! I just...wanna spend some time with my friend."

There was no hiding what William didn't what to say out loud but clearly hinted toward. He wanted to know me better, so much better than just merely talking about myself and telling each other of our favourite food, colours and birthdays.

"I don't live very far," he added. "Just a couple miles from here and...there's something I wanna show you."

For what it was worth, I uttered what was perhaps on his mind that he wanted to show me.

"Your prick?" I asked.

"Maybe," he said and giggled. "But nope. It's about Felix."

"What about him?"

"You think he trusts you?"

Trust. That's what Felix's mom said. From how things were right now, I knew Felix didn't trust me completely. And trust is such a pain in the ass to earn.

"Not really," I mumbled.

"Right and one more thing," William mumbled, "there's this doctor-patient confidentiality and that means no one else should know about what Felix went through besides him, his doctor and his family since he's still a kid and whoever he tells it to."

"Uhm...okay."

"But that doesn't mean we can't learn about it ourselves."

I looked at William confusingly. Despite that, his eyes showed enough confidence in what he was saying.

"I think it's time you meet his doctor, Chase."

"His...doctor?"

"Yep. The one who had Felix under reparative therapy."

"And...that is?"

"My dad," he plainly said as I stared strangely at him. "He'll be at home tomorrow."

"You mean..."

"I was a part of Felix's treatment," William continued. "Moral support, I told myself, but I was more like a stimulus that my dad introduced to him. Felix, who believed he wasn't s'posed to be gay, met me who's just an ordinary boy and `straight as hell,' my dad said. We became friends and I...I taught him how to act just like any normal kid."

"Act normal?" I blurted. "But Felix is already normal! There was nothing wrong with him!"

"I know, Chase!" he yelled back. "That's why...I wanna help you bring him back, okay? The way he is now, it's not his normal self. Felix is Felix, just like how you are you. I shouldn't have done anything to change that."

"You shouldn't have messed with his head."

William sighed dejectedly and frowned at his lap. He was letting himself become inexistent once again, but I couldn't let that happen.

"I'll go."

"Huh?" he asked, staring at me though seemingly dazed and somewhat confused.

"I'll go to your place tomorrow," I said. "But do you think your dad will just tell me everything? What about that doctor-patient confidentiality stuff?"

"That won't be a problem," he assured. "I'll get my dad talking, but if he won't, then I'll just find Felix's file from his folders."

"I'm trusting you on this, Willy. Whatever it was that Felix went through, I want to know everything."

"Okay," he whispered. "Then...can you help me out with something else?"

"Something else?"

He averted his gaze and turned it toward the end of the little tunnel we were in. "I'll tell you tomorrow. But if you do help me, I'll owe you my life and I promise to help you out with Felix...whatever it takes."

I nodded when he turned his gaze back to me and returned the gesture. Without saying anything more, we both held out our fists and did a pinky swear once more.

"This time, it's all for nothing," he said.

"Pinky swear," I finished off before we eventually crawled out and found the other kids running around the playground with smudges of ice cream all over their shirts and noses. Messy little creatures, they were.

Our meeting didn't last for much longer since William was supposed to be home before dinner and it was already approaching sundown. As for the rest of my time, I just went home and pondered on what it was that Felix actually went through. However, that was somehow the lesser of my two concerns. The one I was thinking more about was the help that I could extend to William.

Help with what?

When he asked me about it, he sounded almost defeated and so unsure. And what was so important that he'd risk owing me his life if ever I helped him out?

My wingman, I realized, was one confusing and confused little guy.

That night, I couldn't find it in me to just fall asleep. Thoughts came whirling inside my head and I couldn't just ignore them for much longer. Sighing loudly, I let myself fall backwards on my bed and stared at the grid on my wall. Luckily, it was only on rare occasions that my mom came up to my room and cleaned up my mess herself. She insisted that I was already a `big boy' and I should know how to tidy up my room without her telling me to do so. And that gave me the bonus of having my own privacy even with my bedroom door unlocked at most times.

Scanning the grid, I eventually found my eyes settling on one tiny piece of paper that had something written about Felix's favourite...

"...food," I said out loud. "Who the hell likes spaghetti so much?"

Apparently, it was Felix.

Thinking about spaghetti, I couldn't help being reminded of the orange wire that was Felix's earphones. I snorted at the thought of him wrapping himself with spaghetti wire. But more importantly, an idea popped into my head and I hoped Felix wouldn't mind an unexpected visitor just before he goes to sleep.

Whoever thought that picnics should only be done during the day may as well be wrong. So just before bedtime, I snuck into our kitchen and took some cookies and a carton of milk upstairs before climbing out my bedroom window and heading toward Felix's house.

Knowing that Felix may not hear me tapping on his window or throwing a pebble onto it, I took out my phone and dialled his number. At this hour, I was pretty sure that he was listening to some playlist on his phone and a call from me would surely interrupt his trance.

A couple of rings after, he picked up and said, "Chase?"

"Window. Now."

I ended the call and waited for him to take a peek outside. When I saw him sticking his head out, I immediately brought up my bag of cookies and the carton of milk. I gestured for him to come down, but he looked a bit hesitant.

He gestured back that he wasn't supposed to be outside at this hour and his parents would surely know. I shook my head and put a finger to my lips, telling him to just keep it quiet.

He sighed before disappearing back into his bedroom. A couple of minutes later, he stretched out his leg through his window and settled his foot on the ledge not far below. The jump from there wasn't so high that he'd break his leg or let his escape be known. As soon as he descended, I ran up to him and smiled.

"Milk and cookies?"

"At this late?"

"It's only half past 10," I argued. "And we're not going far."

"We're going somewhere?"

I nodded and said, "We didn't have any spaghetti so I thought some cookies would do."

"Chocolate chips?" he asked, failing to hide the hint of a smile.

"My favourite," I said and smiled back.

Without wasting more precious time, we headed out to the playground which had no one else around. We climbed up the slide and settled ourselves, completely unmindful of the little space that forced us to sit closer to each other.

"Okay," Felix began, "now that we're here, is there something you want?"

I sighed and handed him the bag of cookies. "I didn't have anything else to do and I couldn't sleep."

"So you thought of making me stay up with you and...and eat cookies?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," he mumbled as he took out a cookie for himself before handing the bag back to me. "Can I have some milk?"

I smiled and gave him the carton. There wasn't any need for a glass it seemed. Felix didn't mind drinking straight from the carton and he allowed me to share it with him. In my mind, it was pretty much an indirect way to kiss.

"No one's here," I whispered, scanning the whole landscape.

"Yeah, so?"

"You can practice and no one will hear."

He stared at me blankly, but my eyes couldn't gaze away from the milk moustache he had. Damn, he looked cute as hell.

"Do you hear that?" he asked.

"Hear what?"

"Exactly. It's too quiet and it'll be easier for anyone to hear me sing."

"No, they won't," I insisted. "They're either asleep or your voice will just...uhm...disappear into the night before anyone can hear it."

Felix held his gaze, but before long he chuckled and wiped the moustache from his lips. I wanted so much to do that for him, but he wasn't giving me any chance.

"I won't sing right here," he argued. "If you'd like, we can just listen to some music."

"Sounds good," I told him and took my second cookie from the bag.

"And...," he paused as his voice lowered. "I'm sorry about earlier. I'm just not used to so much compliments."

"It's okay. I just have this huge crush on you is all," I said, my mouth speaking before I could think it through. "Uh..."

Felix chuckled once more and said, "I know that already, though I don't think a simple crush can make you blind to all my faults, Chase."

True. And that was because it wasn't just a simple crush anymore. I confessed to him in his sleep, but I couldn't confess to him right now.

"Since we're here, I thought you might want to hear that song I told you about," he offered.

"What song?"

Knowing Felix, he could easily refer to one song while I'd be left thinking about another.

"That song that gave me a good dream a few days ago."

Oh. He meant that song. And did he mean that dream of me holding his member and embracing him? Surely not. Besides, it was the dream that I wanted for him to have and not the actual dream that made him hug me the morning after.

He took out his phone from his pocket along with his spaghetti-coloured earphones and handed me both ends of it. He wanted me to listen by myself while he'd just probably stare at me and await my reaction.

"It's this song," he said as he pressed play. "I found it on YouTube and thought it's cool."

The song started out with a gentle acoustic. I couldn't remember hearing this before I fell asleep, but maybe it was because it sounded so soft that it could easily close my eyes to the lyrics and forget about hearing it as I went to dream of my version of that goddamn porn.

As expected, Felix stared expectantly at me while I must have looked dumbfounded in front of him.

And as the lyrics played inside my head, I started forming my own meaning of the verses and everything in between...Felix and me.

Let's take it slow (so slow)
anywhere you wanna go
Baby for you, I'll lay it all on the line

"So?" Felix asked as the song ended. "What do you think?"

"Uhm..."

Despite it being really simple to understand, Felix made it so difficult to interpret. There was just so much...words left unsaid by his round eyes and curved lips that was urging an answer from me.

"What did you dream about?" I asked, wanting desperately to read in between the lines of the lyrics.

He took his gaze away from me and stared to his side. "Nothing special," he whispered.

"It's not nothing when you say it like that," I told him.

He looked back at me and appeared reluctant. However, I knew he'd spill it. His eyes couldn't hide it much longer and whatever it was that he dreamed about, it was surely messing his head up so badly that he couldn't contain it to himself.

"You," he mumbled. "You were there, Chase."

"There...where?"

"Just there," he answered. "I dunno where, but...it felt good that you were there."

I nodded and gulped. Did Felix and I have the same dream? In my dream, however, he was still urging me to `get there.' On the other hand, I was already `there' in his dream.

"Felix...," I whispered as I took out the earphones. "Do you...do you still like me?"

I couldn't be sure if it was my own heart that I felt or if it was Felix's hiccups as he stared down at his lap and whimpered a little. He was, without a doubt, beginning to cry.

I reached under his chin and made him look at me through watery eyes. He looked miserable, lost and it pained me so much that he looked so hurt.

"Please, Chase," he begged and sniffled, "just let it go, okay? I can't do this...I'm not s'posed to like you..."

William was wrong. I didn't need to wait until our Christmas recital to know that Felix does still like me. He was right about one thing though. I'd hear it directly from Felix.

"There's nothing wrong with it," I told him while deep inside, my own emotions surged with relief and grief. On one hand, I felt joyful for the fact that Felix liked me. On the other, it seemed that he wanted so much to get rid of that feeling.

No matter how my heart was beating, there wasn't any electrifying feeling accompanying it that I thought would be there once I got Felix to like me back. Where I thought my whole body would shiver and tingle from all the possibilities that would bring, there wasn't anything like that and especially not one rushing down toward my pants. Instead, there was just the acoustic beating of my heart and the unsteady hiccups and whimpers coming from Felix.

"Why you, Chase?" he miserably uttered. "Why does it have to be you and not anyone else? You're so...hard to get rid of!"

"Then don't," I told him. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

He slapped my hand away and hurriedly wiped his tears. Then, he stood up and was about to jump off the platform when I quickly pushed myself up and took him into a tight hug. He struggled and fought me off like I was some disease. One last push from him and I almost fell off the platform.

"You've done enough to prove that you like me," he said. "Now it's my turn to prove to you that I'm not s'posed to like you back."

Before I could retort, he jumped and ran off back toward their house. I shouted and shouted for him to stop, but he didn't listen and just disappeared into the distance and darkness. What was supposedly a quiet evening with him turned out to be quite emotional and left me with crumbled cookies and spilled milk.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't put together the chocolate chip cookies that broke apart and cry over spilled milk. Just like with my heart, I couldn't stop the pain and emotional haemorrhage.