I left that Sunday afternoon feeling angry at myself and at the world. Everything was fucked up inside my head and between me and Felix. He didn't like me. That enough was true and he insisted on it. Despite wanting to argue with him, I knew that I couldn't make him believe me. How could he when it was me who probably made him press stop before I could even press play?

"Dude, look who's coming to school so early."

I took my things from my locker and looked toward the school's entrance, watching Felix unmindfully walking toward us while clearly immersed in his iPod.

"C'mon Chase," my friend said. "How `bout we say good morning to sunshine over there?"

"I don't feel like it," I told him.

They all looked at me strangely, three of them. All were from the classes I shared with Felix Corbel. And they were the ones who made each school day hellish for him.

"I've always wondered...," my other friend thoughtfully mumbled. "You don't even say a thing each time we go say `hi' to the little fag."

"So?" I countered.

"What's your problem man?" the third one asked.

"Nothing," I answered. I looked over at Felix again who was quietly stuffing his locker. "I just don't think it's worth my time to say anything to him."

They all exchanged glances and smirked.

"It doesn't mean we can't have fun though," said one.

I returned to my locker and let my friends have their fun as they walked toward Felix. I stole a glance and watched the usual episode of him being backed up against his locker and getting loads of bullshit from those three boys I call friends.

In each of our classes, my attention was more focused on Felix than on any of my lessons. As I had developed my habit of watching him, I'd always choose a desk behind him. I wondered if he ever felt my eyes on his back.

At lunch, we all headed to the cafeteria in a beeline. And I'd intentionally walk slowly, my friends falling into my pace, just several feet behind Felix. He'd sit with any other kid and quietly have his lunch. At a table not far from his, I'd watch him. Each passing minute, my eyes were on him. It was all I could do.

"Be right back," my friend told us as he obviously headed for the restroom.

I tried to concentrate on my lunch and took away my gaze from Felix. When, after just a couple of minutes or so, I tried to look back toward him, he was gone. I knew that I shouldn't think anything of it, but my gut told me otherwise.

"Just a sec, guys," I said as I walked hastily out the cafeteria.

I almost ran to the nearest restroom and when I got to the door, my heart stopped. I could hear my friend talking to someone in there. His voice sounded spiteful despite how he awfully tried not to make too much sound.

"What is it with you and those earphones?" I heard him ask. "You deaf or wish to be one?"

Felix was in there with him, I was quite sure.

"Answer me sunshine." A mocking laugh followed. "What are you listening to?"

I fought the urge to go inside and held my ground.

"I know you can speak. Answer me!"

I knew that Felix wouldn't as much as utter a single word.

"Fuck you!"

I fisted my hands and shut my eyes. I heard something fall on the tiled floor from inside. I didn't bother with it. I just stood there and listened.

"You can thank me later. I'm sure you were listening to some gay music in there anyway."

I shook my head and rushed back to the cafeteria knowing that my friend would be right behind me. The last thing I wanted was him seeing me outside the restroom with such an annoyed and angry face.

"Where've you been man?"

"Nowhere," I answered as I sat back at our table.

"Yo, Dennis!" one of us quipped as Dennis, the one who just came from the restroom, walked toward our table. "What took you so long? Jerking off again?"

They all laughed. I didn't try to even look at him.

"Looks like sunshine over there," Dennis said, pointing toward Felix, "isn't deaf anymore."

I turned my gaze to Felix and saw something missing. The orange wire which normally went around his back wasn't there anymore. He wasn't wearing his earphones.

"What the hell did you do?" I growled which surprised them and even myself.

"Broke his iPod is all."

"You what?"

"You heard me. I broke his fuckin iPod. Why? Any problem Chase?"

I fisted my hands on my lap and bit hard on my lower lip. "Nothing," I whispered.

Dennis shrugged and continued with his lunch.

When it was time to go home, I chose not to ride the bus again. I did the same this morning, the first time I ever went different ways to school from Felix. He'd always ride the bus and so did I. What happened last weekend changed all that.

Walking home by myself, I took the long route and delayed every step I made. I'd walk past Felix's house before I'd get home. Perhaps, I'd meet him on the sidewalk.

And fate decided to cross our paths once again. Felix Corbel had also chosen to walk home.

We both looked at each other, not knowing what to say. We both stopped in our tracks and we both surely have so much questions in our heads.

"Felix."

"Chase," he casually said.

"What...what happened to your earphones?"

"I dropped my iPod and it broke."

"You're lying," I quickly argued. "You...you don't just drop your iPod. You're not like that."

"How do you know?" he asked.

"I...I just don't think you're reckless with your things."

He stared at me thoughtfully and appeared to have something he wanted to say. Instead, he just said, "You don't usually walk home."

"So do you."

He shrugged and started walking, his pace inviting me to walk beside him. So I did. We walked in silence at first, before he decided to start talking.

"I hate it when I have nothing to listen to."

"I'm sorry...about your iPod."

He sighed and almost whispered, "It's not your fault. I sort of slipped in the restroom and dropped it."

I nodded and left it at that. Wanting to spend more of my time with him, I decided on something so drastic out of the blue.

"Want to come over to my house and see if we can fix it?"

He stared at me for a few seconds before smiling and saying, "Sure. Why not?"

Before long, we walked through the front door of our house and dashed straight up to my room. We fumbled with his iPod, but it was useless. He'd have to buy another one.

"I'll be careful next time," he said as he fell frustratingly on my bed. "I don't think I can buy a new one right away. I spent all my money on that one."

"Why not ask your parents for a new one?"

He chuckled and said, "They have their own problems. This one's mine."

"But it doesn't have to be," I argued.

"Huh?"

"It doesn't have to be just your problem, Felix."

"Why not?"

"Why can't you just tell them? I'm sure they'll understand."

"It's not that," he said. "We just have our own problems. I'll have to solve this myself."

"How then?"

"I'll start saving up for a new one."

I sort of grunted which made him look questioningly at me. "If you just fought back, you'd still have your iPod," I mumbled.

"What?" he exclaimed as he pushed himself upright. "What did you just say?"

"I said if you just fought back you'd still have your iPod!" I yelled, frustrated more with myself than with him.

"You...you knew?"

"Yeah...I heard it from outside the restroom."

"Then why didn't you...," he trailed off, looked at me intensely and chuckled. "Of course you wouldn't."

"I wouldn't what?"

"You wouldn't have done anything, would you? You'd just stand there and watch. You always just did that."

"No I didn't!" I argued. "I did not just stand there!"

He laughed lowly this time, annoying me more than ever.

"Four years, Chase. Four years and you were just watching," he said. "I knew coz I always paid attention when you guys push me around. You'd stand there and do nothing!"

"I..."

He was right. I'd just stand there and watch him drop to the floor then walk away before he started picking his things up. I'd just stand there, still watching him. Standing there, not doing anything to help Felix Corbel.

"You understand now, Chase? Lots of things were going on around you, but you ignored everything. You were always just on pause."

My hands loosened up and my anger sort of faded away. Staring into his eyes, I felt sure that I saw those green orbs with something watery in them. Was Felix going to cry?

"And you all call me mute," he spitefully said. "Turns out you can't even say anything at all. So why now, Chase? What the fuck were you waiting for?"

"I...I'm..."

"No, shut it!" he yelled and walked hastily toward me, but I knew that he was headed for the door. He took his iPod from the table and picked up his things just as quickly as he got to my side.

I couldn't afford him walking out on me though. Drastically, I held his shoulders and pushed him to the wall. His back hit it with a thud as he grunted in pain. A couple of things fell from my wall. One was a poster I couldn't care about. The other was a large cloth I used to cover the grid I made a few days ago. Both our eyes darted to that side of the wall, mine falling along with the cloth and his stuck on the wall.

"What the..."

"I like you, Felix," I mumbled, resting my head against the wall and beside his. "I really, really like you."

This was the first time both of our bodies were pressed so close together. The first time that I could feel his chest against mine. The first time I could feel his heartbeat.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I kept repeating, almost shaking him wildly from how I held his shoulders.

He pushed me gently off him and I stared miserably at him. He looked flustered, his green eyes unreadable and searching my own.

"You're really serious?" he asked and I nodded. He turned to look at the wall again while I was slowly losing myself inside my head. "S-s-sexy?"

I saw his cheeks blush profusely and he looked so vulnerable right then. I felt something push against my shorts, realizing full well that I had my arms around him. Would I finally feel his smooth skin?

"Chase...Chase Logan..."

"No, don't say that!" I yelled and shook my head, perhaps also the tears that I feared were in my eyes.

He hushed me and added, "Please, look at me."

I did.

"You really mean all of it?"

I nodded, he sort of exhaled abruptly.

"Wow," he mumbled. "I...I don't know what to say."

"Maybe...," I stuttered. "Maybe let me make it up to you?"

"But how? I don't even like you...anymore."

Did I hear that right? I stared at him and the corner of his lips curved slightly into a shy smile.

"That was long ago, Chase," he continued. "Not anymore."

I pressed play too late.

"But it will be a waste," he whispered, "if you don't get to hear your song till the end, right?"

I was bewildered, confused to no end.

"You wrote there that you like to see me smile?" his innocent voice said and I nodded again. "Uhm, well..."