Date: Mon, 17 May 2021 15:53:00 +0100 From: Andrew Passey Subject: Queerantine Part One (Young Friends) I pretty much wrote this story last spring when Covid began to kick off over here and certain countries introduced mandatory. However with everything going on in the world I found it just too tough to finish it. I've revisited it now things are at least beginning to improve and hopefully it'll be a bit of fun escapism for those of us where things aren't quite back to normal! I'm sure I don't need to say it but Nifty has been a shining light in the darkness of the past year or so so please do consider donating here: http:/donate.nifty.org/donate.html As the last few seconds of 2019 ticked down and then the first few seconds of 2020 started, Ben looked out from the balcony at the fireworks in the distance exploding over the London skyline. His Dad had an early shift at the hospital in the morning and had gone to bed early. As a result it was just him standing there alone on the balcony shivering in the cold frosty air. He thought back to the year past. If he had to assess it, well 2019 had been decent enough but he hoped 2020 would be even better. He didn't make any New Years resolutions though as he thought all that stuff was crazy. Setting yourself up to fail in his opinion. As the distant explosions intensified as he often did at these times he thought about his Mum. It would have been 2020 for her hours before. Did she also think of him when she saw the NYE fireworks? He imagined she probably didn't, too wrapped up as usual in her own life to care. She'd sent his Dad a message earlier in the day asking him to wish Ben a happy new year. Ben knew his Dad didn't approve of the way Ben had handled the whole situation with his Mum. However he understood that at fifteen years old Ben was able to make decisions for himself. Even if he disagreed with Ben and what he had done. "I've always said it's up to you how you manage your relationship with your mother Ben but blocking your mother's phone number and her emails is counterproductive. I know you think you're being strong and you want to punish her for what she did. However she's still your mother. She has a right to talk to you, to know how you are, to be there to support you," Ben's father said, not for the first time. It was a regular source of disagreement between them. Ben shrugged nonchalantly pretending he didn't care. "She walked out and left us Dad. I wasn't even one years old! One! She fucked off to the other side of the world! Abandoning us. She had a hold of me when I was young and too stupid to know about better. I would wait for the postman every day hoping there would be a letter from her or a postcard. Eventually the pain of waiting outweighed the joy I felt when one turned up. Then she'd send emails and do those ridiculous video calls in the middle of the night. Do you know what Dad? They hurt. The pain of seeing someone you know abandoned you. Someone who cared so little for you she couldn't be fucking arsed to come and visit you ever. She clearly thought a video call once a week is a substitute for having a proper mother around. Well I don't and I'm glad I cut off contact when I did," Ben spat the words out bitterly. He had hoped by cutting off contact it would help heal some of the wounds he had but if he was honest it probably just made it worse. He felt upset about it but didn't really know how to change things for the better. He'd wanted a relationship with his mother like other people had but the thousands of miles of distance between them made that impossible. "I know you're angry Ben. I was very angry when she left but it was a long time ago. We were all different people then. I know she didn't want to hurt you but she can't go back in time. I know it makes you angry that she ran off and set up a new life without us. Like she did it without a thought. But I'm sure she wrestled with her own demons over the decision. Honestly you'll regret cutting her off and ignoring her. This is an important time for you as you grow up. It's not just about you as well. What about your brother? He'd like to speak to you I'm sure." "He's not my brother!" Ben protested. "Grow up Ben," his Dad said, clearly losing patience. "We've been through this so many times. He IS your brother. Well your half brother anyway. He's your family. He used to idolise you and you cut him off too. Now you're missing out on playing the role of the protective big brother. You could be helping guide him through being a teenager. You know how tough it was turning thirteen? He's just turned that himself. He could do with the support. You could just message him directly and you wouldn't even have to speak to your mother. Anyway we've had this conversation so many times I guess it's not going anywhere. Just please think about it." The conversation ended and Ben went and sulked in his room. He knew his dad was right that he should get in touch again but he was still so angry. He didn't like his Dad playing the big brother card as well. He'd never even met his brother in real life and they would have nothing in common. He picked up his Nintendo Switch and tried to play a game to take his mind off things. He was too pissed off though to focus. After he kept dying on his game he decided to put it down. As was often the case when he felt like this he knew there was one thing that would help. He picked up his phone and fired up Pornhub on his browser. He liked looking at porn. He liked looking at boys not much older than him fucking girls not much older than him. He wished he had a girlfriend that he could fuck. It wasn't that he was unattractive. Girls had told him he was cute with his dark hair and green eyes. His Dad was often called handsome so he guessed one day his cute features might turn into handsome. There was one thing he was worried he had inherited from his Dad though as well as his looks. His dick. When he was younger and prepubescent if he saw his Dad naked he'd always be amazed how big his dick was. Then he got older and took more interest in looking at dicks to see how he compared to others. Ben remembered going to a swimming pool with his Dad a few years before. Ben hadn't quite started puberty at this stage but he was conscious enough about it to see how other people's dicks looked. When he saw his Dad naked in the changing room around other grown men and even some older teenage boys he could tell he was on the small size. He didn't seem conscious of it or bothered but it planted a seed of concern in Ben's mind. What if he grew up to have a small dick too? Ben had started puberty and like a lot of boys he became obsessed with his development and how big his dick was compared to other boys. He was relieved when he started to grow pubes and his dick had started growing. He measured it frequently and to his relief it kept growing. Then fairly recently for some reason it seemed to have stopped. It wasn't like it was a micro penis or anything. But it had stubbornly stayed at 3 inches soft and 5 1/4 inches hard for weeks now. Ben had reached six foot tall and began to think that was it. In the changing rooms at school he was still bigger than some boys, a bit smaller than others. Probably even a bit bigger than his Dad's was. But if it didn't keep growing he'd end up on the smaller side of average if he was lucky. It didn't help that in all the porn he looked at the boys always seemed to have big dicks. His Dad had told him porn wasn't real but what other experiences did Ben have as a reference point? He'd see on the internet that girls would talk about how important size was and it worried him. He went and got his ruler and measure his hard dick again. He could convince himself it had grown ever so slightly if he wanted to but he knew that might just be him hoping it has. At least it still all worked he thought as he set the phone up he could watch the porn. He then wrapped his hand around his hard dick and used his other hand to grasp his balls as he got to work. He always came really quickly when he watched porn and this was no exception. He wanked his dick as fast as he could, wanting to feel that amazing sensation he got whenever he had an orgasm. As he shot a load of cum out onto his hand he then had the usual post orgasm guilt. He knew there was nothing wrong with masturbation but he couldn't quite shake the feeling he was doing something wrong. What he really wanted was someone to share it all with. He wished he could find a girlfriend to have real sex with but that seemed unlikely. Going to an all boys school didn't help. How was he supposed to meet girls? No wonder he sometimes thought of the boys at school he'd seen naked. After all, what other reference points did he have? It was natural to look at their naked bodies and he was fairly sure all the other boys were doing that as well. It was just a shame there were no girls at school. That way at least he could practice talking to them even if he couldn't imagine going any further that's that. There was so much testosterone in the air in the classrooms and corridors sometimes you could smell it. Although most of the time the smell was either of stale sweat or too much deodorant. Ben shook his head to try to dispel the pictures in his mind of other boys' dicks. Being in a very multicultural part of inner city London the dicks on show were also very varied. White ones, really dark black ones like his best friend Matt's, less dark brown ones like Mo whose family's Pakistani heritage was obvious from the facial hair he'd already got at 15 years old. Matt and Mo's dicks were definitely bigger than his but he reckoned he compared pretty well with the other white ones around, "Shit" he said out loud. "I need to STOP thinking about dicks.". He hoped by saying it out loud it would help. The problem was that so much of the conversation and piss taking at school was around dick size and wanking off. There was so much innuendo in the sexually charged atmosphere that it was hard not to think of it all. He thought back to what his dad had said earlier. It was true that his half brother Archie did seem to idolise when they used to talk when younger. But that was the past and things had changed, He knew dwelling on the past didn't help and that he should try and think with a clear head. However it was hard as a teenage boy to get past everything and see the bigger picture.