Simon's Journal

Volume IV

Thirteen Summer Days
A New Beginning

Written by Danny

Chapter -- 8

Friday

Bemused, befuddled, knocked for six, distressed, petrified, offended, disorganized, betrayed, distraught, hopeless, and just plain freaked out are all emotions I felt within the first couple hours of the day.

________________

Jamie and I awoke early and the very first words out of my brother's mouth were, "What happened to your diaper?" and his second words were, "Man I am soaked!"

I have no idea when Jamie had crawled into the tent and fallen asleep beside me. I suppose I was sleeping so deeply I didn't realize he had awakened and joined me.

I looked down and saw what Jamie had noticed, that I was completely and utterly naked, as yet again my diaper had been ripped to shreds and scattered in tattered bits near the tent opening.

Suddenly there was a loud knocking at the metal door to the greenhouse and we both squealed like frightened girls at the loud sound.

"Oh my Gosh!" Jamie exclaimed as he clumsily crawled on one hand and knees out of the tent, "I bet it is my mom coming to check on us."

A few moments after Jamie crawled out of the tent I heard the unmistakable sound of the door opening and Jamie speaking to someone.

"He's still in the tent." I heard Jamie say, but couldn't hear anyone else, "Yeah, he's awake."

"Who's there?" I asked from inside the tent.

Jamie, still speaking to whoever it was at the door, said, "OK. Hang on. I'll get it."

A moment later he said, "Here it is."

I strained to listen for another voice and thought I could hear someone say something, but try as I might, I couldn't make it out at all.

"No it isn't hurting at all." Jamie said and I surmised he was telling whoever it was that his broken arm was fine.

"OK. Yeah, but when?" Jamie asked.

Again I tried to hear what the other person was saying as I sat up and began to gather the remains of last night's diaper into one pile.

Jamie exclaimed, "That long? OK! Will do!" then the door clanked shut and Jamie announced, "Simon, time to get up. We got to start heading back."

"Why? Who was that at the door?" I asked.

"It was ... um ... Ian. Yeah, Ian. Uh, he was checking on us is all." Jamie lied and I expect, if I had not just woken up, I would have known that there was more to it.

I yawned, stretched, groaned at how tired I felt even after sleeping for so long. I then I came out of the tent where Jamie performed a cleaning and very tight diapering on me and I reciprocated with the cleaning of him and then helped him into his underwear. As I handled the soft white cotton I noticed for the first time that they were not like regular underwear. Wait, that's not right; they looked like regular white briefs with the normal Y-front and elastic waistband with a red and blue dash-line but that's where the similarities to regular underwear stop and the oddness began. To say the fabric felt thick is a bit of an understatement. Now they were not thick like say a disposable or even a cloth diaper but more like I was holding four or five pair of tidy-whities at the same time. Actually, they felt a lot like what a toddler might wear when trying to get potty trained only in a larger size.

We then began to make a nice camp breakfast over our electric fire. While we sat and ate Jamie seemed oddly quiet.

"You ok?" I asked.

"Uh? What? Oh!" he said, "Yeah I'm great!"

He got up and crawled into the tent. It took me a moment or two before I realized that he was cleaning up the tattered remains of my diaper from last night.

He, from the waist up, was out of my view within the tent but everything below that was in full few. He was wiggling his butt and curling his toes as he worked. The devil on my shoulder was more persuasive than the angel on my opposite shoulder. I found myself standing behind Jamie and in one fast move had given him the worst wedgie in the history of wedgies.

"AAaaaaaahhhhhooooooowwwwww!" Jamie howled like a flea infested mutt and tried to get free, but I had too good of a grip.

"OH Simon!" He cried, "PLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSE SSSTTTOOOOOPPP!"

With one more firm, forceful yank which lifted him completely off the floor I let him go and his whole body flopped onto the floor like a fish out of water.

He emerged from the tent looking all sorts of mad as he struggled to pick the wedgie out of his crack.

"That was mean!" he whimpered.

I gave him a double pistol finger point, a wink and then blew the imaginary smoke from finger guns.

Why oh why did I take my eyes off him? Before I knew what was happening Jamie was on top of me and had me pinned to the floor with both of my hands held over my head with his one good arm. Oh I could have got away if I had really wanted too, but I didn't really want to get away.

Our eyes were less than a foot apart so I saw it when Jamie winced.

Chuckling I asked, "Didn't think that one through did you?"

He shook his head, "Actually, no I didn't and yes it hurt like a..."

"Don't say it!" I said with a grin.

Jamie didn't let that last a die and quickly rolled it into, "aaaa really bad pain."

I chuckled, "Uhuh."

"Let me down!" I ordered

"Don't you mean let you up?" Jamie giggled.

"Whatever; just let go of me and get your fat butt off me! You Fatty McFat-Fat!"

Quick as a rabbit Jamie lifted his backside a couple inches and then drove it down into my stomach effectively driving the air out of me.

I would have made some sort of moan or groan, but I had zero air to make so much as a peep. It didn't matter though `cause before I could catch my breath or react, he let my hands go, gave me a monster Titty-Twister and then rolled off of me. He was up on his feet super-fast and slow motion kicked me in the diapered butt as I was getting to my feet.

"Just remember, I owe you one now!" he warned me as he went back to cleaning up the mess inside the tent.

I laughed as I found my footing and breath, "Uh, I don't think so!"

When I moved my left foot bumped something softish and when I looked down it was Jamie's Journal.

"Oooooh! I think I might just read another passage from your journal." I said to see if I could get another rise out of him but he surprised me by saying, "Be my guest."

"Gee-whiz Jamie, you are no fun!" I laughed and picked up the notebook.

However, as I was leaning over I realized that while Jamie and I had been roughhousing I'd done a number on the back of my fresh diaper.

"Uh bro, guess what you made me do." I said slyly.

Jamie pulled his head of the tent and exclaimed, "Are you serious?"

"You made me do it!" I accused.

"OK get the stuff back out while I get rid of this mess." He told me.

While Jamie was cleaning me up and taping me into my second fresh diaper of the morning I opened his journal to a random page and began to read allowed in hopes that whatever I was reading would get some sort of reaction from him. To my surprise, what I found myself reading was my brother's firsthand account of how he had escaped from our kidnappers way back when and how he ended up a stowaway on the Banachelli. I have often wondered but somehow I never actually got around to asking Jamie about it. Now here I was reading it for myself.

Before too long Jamie and I were sitting Indian-Style facing each other on the small grass lawn, our knees touching, as I read aloud. It almost felt like I was reading a bedtime story to my little brother. It was a long hand wrote entry which covered several pages and when I finally reached the end of the passage I looked at Jamie and exclaimed, "That was so totally cool!"

Jamie smiled.

"I bet you were scared when they thought you were dead and threw your body in the water."

Jamie shrugged, "Maybe a little at first, but as soon as I hit that cold water all I could think about was how cold it was."

"And you really ate rat?" I asked.

Jamie smiled, "Actually, I ate several of them as that was about all I could find to eat."

I shuttered at the thought. "At least you found a way to cook `em. Instead of having to have rat-sushi."

Jamie made a slurping sound, licked his lips and rubbed his tubby.

"Sick!" I moaned and then added, "You know what? People say I am a hero, but really you are the hero. I mean you snuck back on their boat, hid from our kidnappers all that time and then when they brought Lowell to the Banachelli you were able to follow them and find me. That's real hero stuff!" I told him and he blushed.

I cracked a smile as I said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you!"

Jamie scoffed at that.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing Peter!"

"PETER?!" I growled thinking he was referring to Peter Alderman.

With evil eyes and wiggling ears he said, "Peter Pan!?"

"Oh!" I exclaimed, "Uh, why am I Peter Pan?"

"Oh please! You know you are addicted to adventure and staying young!" he said accusingly.

"No I'm not!" I said but it came out more like a question then a hard fast declaration.

Mocking and laughing at me Jamie reached out and swiped his journal out of my hands while suggesting that we start packing up everything and get ourselves back home. Not wanting our good times to end, I reluctantly agreed and we got to work breaking camp. The whole time we were cleaning and packing up our camping gear Jamie was unusually quiet and acting peculiar; I mean more than what is normal for him. It wasn't until later that I realized he had been put up to something which he was keeping from me.

It took us a bit more than a half hour to get all of our camping gear packed up and for both of us to get dressed. With our loads on our backs we headed out of the Greenhouse room and never once did I notice that stuffed dog was missing.

My repeated attempts to strike up a conversation, or if Jamie thought I was moving too slowly would get him to grumbling about me being slow or something similar.

Unlike yesterday, we did not take the long way back to Ian's. Instead we proceeded on the most direct route. Now, I suppose I should have known something was up when Jamie insisted on us parting there in the hallway outside of Ian's apartment, but again I just didn't pick up on the clues that were right there in my face.

Dropping the camping gear he had toted back to the apartment Jamie sighed and said, "I guess this is it."

"Yeah" I said, "Last night was the best!"

"Yeah, it might not have been real camping like in the woods but it was still a blast!" Jamie agreed.

"You ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, just want to get home so I can take a dump." He confessed.

"OH Ok! Why didn't you say that before! Gee-whiz bro! I imagine you need to do that. I'll see you in a little while ok?"

Jamie nodded with an expression I couldn't read. "OK, see you then." He said while feelings of confusion and desertion began to rise within me. And just like that Jamie took off for his own apartment. Any other time I might have found it funny the way he sped away while using his good arm to cradle his broken arm tightly to his chest, but not right at that second.

When he was a few yards down the hallway he turned and was walking away backwards. He sent back, "I love you Simon!"

Those four words sounded really, really weird and left me stunned as I opened the door.

Upon entering Ian's apartment I instantly knew something was up because standing inside was Ian, Colin, Tom, and Mr. Davis my Probation Officer. Tom had been talking on a cell phone when I walked in but the moment he saw me he said, "He just came in. I'll give you both a call when we get there; just sit tight and try not to worry."

With a snap the cell phone flipped closed and without speaking to me Tom stepped past me, pulled in all of Jamie's things which only took him half a second and then he closed the door behind me. He leaned his back against it, dropped the cell phone (it had been lodged between his teeth as he pulled in the gear) into his front pants pocket and then crossed his arms over his chest. I got the distinct impression from his body language that he was trying to tell me that there was no way in hell I was getting back through that door until he was ready for me too.

I turned my eyes from Tom to Mr. Davis and tried to swallow but my mouth had gone completely dry.

"A-am I in some sort of trouble?" I asked but it came out so soft that it sounded more like a mouse squeaking.

I started dropping all my stuff there on the floor without even thinking about any of it.

Mr. Davis, sounding and looking larger than ever asked, "Got something you want to tell me?"

In a fraction of a second I quickly recalled every single event that had occurred since I had last saw him and the only two things that came to mind was giving the money back, and before that, having asked Tom to kill someone for me.

I looked to Ian and Collin who both were looking at me with eyes that said I had somehow betrayed them in the worst possible way. I looked into space and thought as hard as I could but nothing else came to mind

Mr. Davis reached out with one of his cannon size arms and handed me a sheet of paper. I looked at it and it sort of looked like really hard Math homework or something like that. Well at first it did but then I started to read times and names and streets and made out longitude and latitude numbers all in columns.

"I don't suppose you can explain any of this?" Mr. Davis asked, and if it was possible, he sounded like he was getting even angrier with me.

Tom cleared his throat and I looked over to him. He was looking at Mr. Davis but pointing down toward my feet. It only took a split second for me to realize what Tom was pointing at. Yeah you guessed it. My GPS monitoring ankle bracelet thing was missing. Neither Jamie, nor I had even noticed it had been missing when the two of us were packing up our camping gear. Heck even when I put on my shoes and socks I hadn't noticed it was gone. The instant I saw my bare ankle I knew I was a dead man. I looked up at Mr. Davis whose entire head was glowing red like a giant blood blister.

I put my hands up in the universal `STOP' position. "NO!" was all I got to say.

In a second Mr. Davis was on me, spun me around, hand cuffed me and began to walk me out of the apartment.

"Where are you taking me?" I shouted.

Tom answered, "You left the building last night and were out running around the entire downtown area the whole night."

Mr. Davis then added, "You were warned what would happen if you went anywhere without permission. You are going to the Juvenile Detention Hall."

"WHAT? NO! TOM HELP!"

I tried to struggle against Mr. Davis's firm grip, "NO YOU CAN'T!"

I was screaming bloody murder as Mr. Davis forced me out of the apartment and down the hall. "STOP! I SWEAR I DIDN'T! TOM PLEASE DON'T LET HIM TAKE ME! IAN! COLLIN! PLEASE HELP ME! I DIDN'T GO OUT! I SWEAR! IAN YOU ARE MY REAL DAD PLEEASE STOP HIM! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!"

As though he were shunning me as they do in the Amish culture, Ian turned his back to me. Later, when I had time to reflect on this action I realized he wasn't doing anything like that but had turned and buried his tear stained face in Colin's chest.

I was taken down and out of the building via the service elevator to the parking garage where I was put in the back of a real police car. I cried all the way to the Juvenile Detention Hall and begged Mr. Davis to listen to me but no matter what I said or did he didn't even acknowledge my existence in the car. That ride felt like the longest ride of my life!

________________

I was surprised when we didn't pull into a parking lot but instead drove right into a building where an enormous metal door closed behind us. We then drove around and down into an underground parking garage and finally stopped in what I can only describe as a large, empty room that had another of those big metal garage doors closed in front of us and another closing behind us. It wasn't until that door was all the way down that I was removed from the back seat and walked to a single people door.

Once inside the building I was forced to strip every last item I was wearing, including my diaper, I was then thoroughly searched from head to toe and inside every bodily opening...if you get my meaning. I was then made to shower and brush my teeth, all the while being watched over by two officers. After the shower I was given a pair of orange pants, a matching shirt, a pair of grey boxer shorts, grey socks and grey shoes.

Through all of that I continued to cry and when I was taken into another room I knew it was to be finger printed and have my picture taken. I knew this because I've been through that before and recognized the equipment.

Once I was processed, which took about an hour from the time we arrived to the time we were done, I was escorted by an officer to a holding cell while they processed everything and assigned me a room for my stay. On the way to the holding cell we had been walking down an extremely long hallway, past several closed doors and I imagined there were probably other kids locked behind those doors. Eventually we made a left hand turn and started walking past a large window. On the other side of it I saw both of my parents standing, talking with Tom and Tom's partner. I was surprised to see Tom there but figured he had probably left Ian's right after we had.

I threw myself against the wall of glass and pounded on it as I shouted for my parents. Everyone on the other side of the glass turned toward me and in the brief second before the guard grabbed me and manhandled me past the window I saw my parents' faces. I had expected... well I am not sure what I had expected, but it sure wasn't what I saw. They both looked disgusted; like they couldn't stand the thought that I was their son.

They all turned away from me and I managed to eek out a demoralized, "Mommy?" before a hand snatched me away from the glass and wrestled kicking and screaming down the hallway.

Now before you go thinking my parents are mean and had given up on me I should point out to you that from my vantage point it had indeed appeared that they had washed their hands of me, but I didn't know that what I was looking through was two-way glass. I could see out on my side of the glass, but all that anyone on the other side could see was a mirror. To them all they saw was their own reflection and all they heard was pounding and muffled shouts emanating from behind the glass. The looks I had mistaken as disgust were actually expressions of surprise and confusion.

Without a word I was pushed into a cell and the door quickly closed behind me before I could try to get out again.

Thankfully that small cell had a toilet in it `cause no sooner was I locked in then I needed to go number two. I imagine it was mostly nerves that made me need to poop again so soon. At some point I'd already wet myself on the way down, but thankfully I hadn't solid myself too. As I was sitting there blasting out watery, lumpy vileness I couldn't help but wonder how I was going to deal with my wetting and pooping issues without having diapers to wear.

I paced for a long while; grumbling, fuming and burning off my mad. Actually, I am not sure you can call it pacing as I was only able to take three steps then had to turn or run into the wall or the toilet. Before too long I had paced away all my madness and was left feeling hopeless. I didn't have a clock so I didn't know how long I was in there waiting but it was long enough that I was about to go mad from fear and boredom. When an officer came to get me, I was sure it was to take me to what was going to be my new home for the next five years until my eighteenth birthday. (My imagination was running rampant as you can see.) However I wasn't taken out to join the Juvenile Hall population; instead I was handcuffed with my hands behind me and marched down a long hallway, up two flights of stairs, and down another longer hallway before being pushed into a cold, sterilized office of sorts. I say office because it had a desk, a couple file cabinets, and a few chairs. There was also a clock on the farthest wall which said it was 11:23 and I couldn't believe that I'd been locked up in that holding cell for so long.

The officer walked me over to the desk and told me to sit down. He then removed the handcuffs from behind my back, refastened them around front and connected the handcuffs to the metal desk via a funny looking sort of padlock thing.

As he was turning to leave he said, "Someone will be with you shortly."

"When do I get to see my mom and dad?" I asked but got no answer.

And that was it. I sat there alone for another 26 minutes waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When I finally heard the door opening again I didn't care who it was, just as long as I wasn't left alone another second. But my poor brain was not prepared for who I saw walk in.

"Dr. Lizy?" I exclaimed loudly.

"Hello Simon." She said with her familiar smile and then stepping into the room she turned and in walked the same officer who had done the full body search on me.

"Can you please remove his restraints?" Dr. Lizy asked of the officer.

"I wouldn't advise that ma'am. He took a bite out of one of our others officers earlier."

I looked up at the officer with shock but a flash within my brain brought a quick image of my teeth sinking into the hand of the officer as he had tried to pull me away from the glass window.

Dr. Lizy assured him that there would be no more problems from me and with a bit of hesitation the officer crossed the room, first unlocked the cuffs from the table and then removed the cuffs from my wrists.

When we were left alone I began talking fast.

"Dr. Lizy I swear I didn't sneak out last night. You got to get them to let me out of here. I didn't do anything."

She held up a hand and said in a calm, controlled voice, "We'll talk all about that, but first I need you to watch something with me."

Ignoring her statement I asked, "Are my mom and dad still here? Can I see them?"

"They were here, but they have gone home to try to get some rest." She said as she opened large, leather looking, ladies style briefcase and pulled out a laptop computer. Setting it on the table she opened the screen and turned it on. Reaching into her case again, she pulled out another of those yellow note pads that she is always scribbling notes on, a small box of tissues, two bottles of water, and three number two pencils. All of which she arranged neatly and precisely on the desk as though she were trying to make the place feel more like her own office.

At her announcement that my parents had gone home, I sank into the chair as I was engulfed in a cloud of gray.

Right then the door opened again and I couldn't help but react to the loud sound. My body jolted and my head spun around to see Tom walking in. He first made eye contact with me, then with Dr. Lizy. She walked to the door and the two spoke for a moment in hushed whispers before she turned back to me and announced, "I'll be back in a moment."

The second I was left alone with Tom I was up out of the chair and begging him to believe that I hadn't tried to get out last night.

Tom wasn't acting like the Tom I know at all. Actually he was acting a lot like he had the very first time I had ever met him. He simply held out a small brown paper bag and in an official, cold tone said, "Your mother sent these for you."

"Do they hate me?" I asked him.

"They are your parents. They cannot hate you. They are very worried about you." He said in that same cold tone.

I took the bag and looked in. It contained was several pair of GoodNites and that was it.

"You should probably get one of those on now before your doctor returns." Tom suggested.

When I tried to get him to turn around while I took off my pants and boxers he simply told me that I, "Need to get on with it and stop playing games."

As soon as I had my prison orange pants pulled back up Tom reopened and asked Dr. Lizy to come back in.

Dr. Lizy walked to the desk and turned the laptop so that the three of us could watch it together. She then put in a CD disk and started the player.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Just watch Simon." Tom ordered and did I detect his cold tone melting just a bit?

My eyes focused on the screen and for a second I didn't know what I was seeing. I had to do a double take before I realized I was seeing a paused image of myself standing alone in the middle of the Greenhouse room. To say I was confused would be an understatement.

I glanced to Tom who wouldn't make eye contact with me as he pulled off his suit coat and draped it over the back of one of the other chairs. He then took a step toward me and I cannot tell you why I stepped backward away from him, but I did. I have no idea how far I would have retreated had I not backed into the chair I'd been sitting in before.

"It's ok Simon. We're all here to help you." He said and finally he sounded like Tom my friend and not Tom the cold hearted FBI guy.

I don't recall the next few minutes where I had somehow moved to sitting on the chair again. What happen next shook me to my very core. We sat and watched over an hour of video of me, alone in the greenhouse.

Unbeknownst to me, everyone, and by everyone I mean Ian, Collin, Jamie, Marsha, Tom, Dr. Lizy, and even my own parents had conspired together to gain this footage of me. Granted my parents hadn't been in the building, but I found out later that when Colin had gone out to get that camping gear, he had also met up with Tom and my parents and that is when they all hatched the plan to try to record my nightly activates. Although, none of them were prepared for what evened up being recorded. What bothered me more than all the adults in my life conspiring against me was the fact that they somehow talked my own brother into playing along. Actually, Jamie had the biggest responsibility and that was to be sure, that before the two of us went to sleep last night, he had to turn on the camera, which was hidden inside the stuffed dog that Collin had pretended to sell to Jamie and I during our trek up the mountainside yesterday.

Oddly, my first fear when learning that there was video recordings from last night in the greenhouse was that Jamie, Noah, Paul, and I were caught playing our little sex games, but soon I realized that Jamie hadn't turned on the camera until after I had crawled into the tent. You see, Jamie hadn't fallen asleep as I thought, no, my dear brother was acting like he had so that he could be alone out in the greenhouse to set the dog up in the perfect spot to record everything that happened after Jamie crawled into the tent with me.

Dr. Lizy was operating the laptop using a remote and fast forwarded past the first few minutes of nothing but the outside of the tent. But when my head popped out of the tent she stopped the fast forwarding and let it play normally.

I sat with my eyes transfixed on the television.

"What is this?" I asked but no one answered or spoke.

"Who am I talking to?"

Regrettably there was no audio, or so I thought.

Dr. Lizy paused the playback.

"Simon, do you remember any of this?" she asked me.

I had no reply.

"Simon?" She said again.

I looked at her, then to Tom and back to her.

"That didn't happen!" I said.

"Simon, I am going to rewind this part and play it back with the sound on this time. OK?" Dr. Lizy asked.

Instead of addressing her question I looked around the room until my eyes found Tom. He had moved again and was standing directly behind me. With just a look Tom knew I needed him more than I had ever needed him before. He placed a hand on my right shoulder and left it there. Somehow just having him touch me gave me the strength I needed to go on.

This time we watched the dead time that was recorded before my head actually came out of the tent. First we could hear a rustling sound coming from within the tent, then whispers, followed by the unmistakable sound of my voice as I said, "Rico, where are you going?"

A half a moment later my head popped out of the tent.

"Rico we need to talk!" I said and then crawled all the way out of the tent.

It was only then that it dawned on me that we were all sitting there watching the recorded version of me, standing in the Greenhouse completely nude. I mean I had seen it the first time but somehow now with the sound, it seemed ... well it seemed more real.

"Hey! Shut up and just listen to me would you!" my recorded self said in an angry sounding whisper.

We sat and watched as, my recorded self, carry on a long conversation with Rico who somehow seemed to know the camera was there because he was staying out of its view. He also must have been whispering much softer than I was the whole time because anything Rico said was not captured by the camera's microphone. There was simply dead air, as they say on the radio when they forget to play music or have technical difficulties.

"I know what you are Rico!" My recorded self said in a louder whisper.

"Just stop it Rico! Seriously! I figured it out!"

"Sssshhhh! You are going to wake up Jamie!"

"Yes!"

"Yes I did! You are some kind of vampire creature, but instead of living off my blood you are living off my life force or something like that. And you have been sucking out of my wiener!"

"Rico, stop denying it!"

There was a long silence and it appeared that I had been standing there listening to Rico go on and on about something. This was apparent by the changes in my facial expressions on the TV.

"Of course I do!"

"Yes!"

"Why not?"

"No!"

"Rico stop! Don't go!"

"Please Rico!" my recorded self was crying at this point and had turned and was looking up toward the open skylights. Again this was an angle the camera couldn't capture.

"Please don't leave me! I am sorry!"

There was another minute or so of footage of me as apparently I watched Rico move back to floor level, but again staying out or the cameras field of vision.

And then something really, really strange happened and this was a part that we hadn't yet viewed together. I watched the screen as my recorded self, seemed to be crying and hugging... no one. My arms were extended and wrapped around someone, but the camera couldn't see Rico at all. Then I watched in horror as my recorded self, began to kiss for a moment or two before lowering to the floor and...

"STOP!" I cried out, startling Tom and Dr. Lizy.

"JUST STOP!" I screamed as I broke free of Tom's hand and lunged at the computer intent on turning it off one way or another.

"THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!" I screamed as Tom wrestled me back to the chair.

On the screen I appeared to be lying on the floor while someone or something was performing a sexual act upon me. At least that is how it looked by the way my body was moving and squirming around and the fact that my recorded self had a raging stiffy.

________________

"Simon, I am going to count to three and then you are going to wake up. You will feel calm, rested, and remember everything. Do you understand?"

I must have somehow shown my understanding because Dr. Lizy then began to count, "Very good. Here we go... One—you are beginning to feel yourself waking up. Two—you are calm and rested. Three—your eyes are now opening and you remember everything."

My eyes opened and I felt a sudden wave of relief wash over me like standing under the spray of a cool lawn sprinkler on a hot summer afternoon. I sighed, took a breath in through my nose and let it out of my mouth. A moment later my eyes focused on Tom who was sitting, beside Dr. Lizy and looking very unnerved. I bent my head left, my neck popped. I bent my head right and it cracked again. I took another breath, this time deeper and let it out slowly as I sat up, rubbed my eyes and then that's when I remembered that it hadn't all been a dream. I had allowed Dr. Lizy to hypnotize me to help me remember the events of the past evening. My only condition to allow Dr. Lizy to hypnotize me was if Tom could be there when it happened.

"How do you feel?" Dr. Lizy asked.

My first words after coming out of the hypnotic trance Dr. Lizy put me into were directed towards Tom, "Did it work?"

Tom, who had been given instructions not to speak to me while I was under hypnosis, looked relieved when Dr. Lizy gave him a confirming nod.

Tom chuckled silently, "You tell us kido."

You see, after my little meltdown caused by seeing myself on the computer, Dr. Lizy had asked Tom to leave us alone. She had done this because she thought, and rightfully so, that having Tom there right then was just too much for me. Alone, Dr. Lizy and I talked. She got me a little calmer and told me that she could help me to understand just what we were seeing on the computer and why it was happening. She wanted to hypnotize me, which was something I have been rather resistant too thus far. However, what I saw on that laptop screen freaked me out so much that I was willing to go to any lengths now with one minor condition on my part. I was too scared to do it alone and even when Dr. Lizy assured me that she was going to be with me the entire time, that wasn't enough for me. At first I wanted Lowell's father, Reverend Vandoan to come and hold my hand through this, but after I thought about it, I decided that I needed someone I knew was strong enough to control me physically if I got out of hand again and also someone I knew I could trust 110% not to share a single thing of what might come up. And besides, Tom was already there; so with that decision made, I asked Dr. Lizy to ask Tom to come back in.

Getting hypnotized was the easy part. Dr. Lizy had me under in no time at all. The hard part came when we started going after locked away memories. Apparently even under hypnosis I was reluctant to allow buried memories and hidden secrets to come to the surface. But, Dr. Lizy was persistent and eventually broke through all my fortifications.

________________

After having woke up from the hypnotic trance and after Tom had said, "You tell us Kido" I sat motionless for a few seconds while I scanned the vast corridors of my brain for ... well I wasn't quite sure what I was scanning for just then. But when my inner eye saw it, I knew in an instant.

"There it is!" I thought to myself, "It is all there."

Like a giant puzzle that had finally come together. No, that isn't right; it was like a wall of photographs hanging just outside of my peripheral vision. It has always been there and I knew it was there, but somewhere, somehow, and sometime through it all I had chosen not to look at that wall; as though not giving it recognition would somehow mean none of it had ever happened.

Up to that instant I had felt calm and at peace, but seeing that wall, that gallery of images... my eyes began to water and my heart rate sped up a bit. I curled my lips in over my teeth and bit down on them in a vain attempt to hold in my emotions.

"Simon, can you put into words what you're thinking or seeing right now?" Dr. Lizy asked as I reached over and plucked a tissue from the small tissue box on the desk.

I was surprised by her reaction, or should I say her lack of reaction to my next words.

"He's dead."

She didn't smile, frown, look surprised, shocked, say anything, or even scribble something down on her yellow note pad. I had expected one or all of those things from her. No, she simply sat there looking at me and waited for me to say something else.

The watering of my eyes became stronger as a tear or two spilled from the corner of my left eye. I dabbed at it with the tissue and looked to Tom who seemed to be on the verge of a total emotional breakdown himself. Seriously, big tough Tom was about to start blubbering at any second. I spoke my next words to Tom.

"I..." I started to say but stopped, took a deep breath, closed my eyes and allowed myself to dwell on the picture as I said, "I did it." I stuttered and a shiver ran through me as I literally had to force the air up my throat and across my vocal cords and then will my tongue to form three words. Three words that alone would be so simple, so-so simple to utter but for me, right then, right at that moment, they were three of the hardest words I have ever had to say.

There was a powerful pressure in the atmosphere of the room as three eyes trained on me; Dr. Lizy's two and Tom's one. They both leaned slightly forward. Probably no one else would have ever noticed their movement, but I had. They strained with eagerness to hear what I was going to say next.

"I killed Rico."

That of course came to neither of them as a shocking revelation or confession. They had sat through my hypnotic episode and had already heard all of that. Heck they had known about it for a long time. Everyone had; everyone but me that is. However, Dr. Lizy had felt that it was extremely important for that not to be discussed with me and that it was something that would come back to me in time when I was emotionally strong enough to handle it. And right then, there in that Juvenile Hall office room I had remembered thanks to some help from Dr. Lizy but just remembering it wasn't enough. It was important for me to not just have remembered it but to actually say it out loud.

My belly growled loudly at that instant and Tom smiled widely. That, for me, was the first and only indication of how long I had been under Dr. Lizy's hypnotic spell. Time was something that I neither had knowledge of, nor cared to know about until the growling of my stomach.

Tom, still smiling, chuckled silently to himself as a second growl emanated from my empty tummy and like a Las Vegas magician he produced a large Snickers bar from out of thin air and handed it to me. I don't believe for a second that he was purposefully trying to be a showman, I think it just sort of came across that way.

I gave him a "Thank You" nod without actually speaking as I took the candy bar, tore open the wrapper, and took a big bite.

"Oh boy, now that's the stuff!" I moaned. I'm sure it didn't sound anything like that with my mouth full of chocolate, peanuts, and nougat but I think he got the idea.

I'm not sure what it is about Chocolate, but I have found that it is next to impossible to be sad or upset when devouring it; or maybe that's just true for me. My mood seemed to improve with each bite and though I am sure it was gross to see me talking while chewing, I couldn't help myself. I had so much information in my head that I needed to set free. And as though I hadn't just stated that I had murdered Rico, I began to jabber like Lowell does when he gets excited.

I took a third bite and chuckled as I said, "You know what?" and not waiting for a reply I continued, "I actually thought Rico was still here. I mean still alive and..." I swallowed, "I thought he was some kind of weird vampire or Incubus!"

Tom and I made momentary eye contact and he raised an eyebrow; but when I glanced to Dr. Lizy she seemed puzzled. I guess she didn't know what an Incubus was so I told her while using a finger to dislodge a bit of sugary treat which had adhered itself to my back teeth.

"It's like this male creature that feeds off the life energy of other guys like me." I said.

Dr. Lizy then lifted an eyebrow just as Tom had done which made me smile and giggle to myself.

"I know it sounds dumb, but I really did think he was real, I mean real like in still alive, and that he somehow kept visiting me when I was sleeping."

There was so much in my head trying to get out all at once that my thoughts were jumping around out of sequence.

I looked at Tom, "I don't know how I kept getting that GPS band off though?"

Tom gave me a quizzical look. "You've got more than me stumped on that one." He said and then forced a thin, tight lipped smile.

I smiled back, probably showing chocolate and nougat covered teeth in the process as I shrugged that mystery off as though it were nothing more than a passing breeze.

"That first time...I guess I was feeling so guilty that I was thinking that I was seeing Rico all over the place when he wasn't really there at all."

And then I had a thought, "Wait!" I looked at Tom, "Who did Agent Morris chase after that one day outside Dr. Lizy's office?"

Tom glanced to Dr. Lizy for the OK sign before telling me, "It was a local boy who I think was just checking up on you."

I popped the last of the candy bar into my mouth, wadded the wrapper up in my hands, closed my eyes and thought. I didn't chew but instead let the heat of my mouth soften the chocolate. And then suddenly I opened my eyes and shouted past the lump of melting candy in my mouth, "It was Hank Shaffer wasn't it? Did you know his nick name is `The Hammer'?"

Tom shrugged, "Now that's something I didn't know. But that kid sure can run."

"Yeah and from what I heard, he is better than Bull ever was at Quarterbacking." I said finally sinking my teeth into the rapidly melting glob and hearing the satisfying crunch of another peanut. I went on to tell them both about my one and only time meeting Hank and how he had begged me to help him find his sister. Tom just nodded knowingly.

"You already know that about him huh?" I asked.

He gave me a queer sort of grin that anyone else might have taken as Tom having a pain or passing gas.

I nodded my head.

"What?" Tom asked.

"You sure did it right huh?"

"Did what right?" He asked.

I cocked my head to one side as I said, "Keeping tabs on me."

"Actually, I feel just the opposite to be true." He said honestly.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Lizy asked before I could.

"Well, if I had been doing a better job of `keeping tabs' on him; he wouldn't have been running around town all night."

Don't ask me where it came from but I swear I actually found myself saying something funny. Well it was funny to me. Tom and Dr. Lizy didn't find it funny at all.

"Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you'll do better the next time I sneak out."

When I saw their reaction to my attempt at humor I decided maybe it was time to get back to work digging up the memories. I'll add that I had no idea that, that statement was actually prophetic. But I'll save that story for another time.

"Last night I..." I stopped suddenly and looked to Dr. Lizy, "Do you think maybe it could have been Hank that was hiding behind the bush that time at Lowell's?"

Tom made a humming sound.

"Simon that was simply brilliant." He said.

I shrugged it off. "I expect you'll be looking into that?" I asked him.

He narrowed his eyes at me as a warning. I just gave him my, `I am too cute for you to kill' smile.

"Anyways; like I was saying. Last night I must have dozed off for a few minutes after Jamie had, `cause I had one of those mini dreams that only last for an immeasurable moment."

I had to stop again to fish another bit of nougat from the back of my teeth before I could go on.

"In my dream an angel was looking down on me from above. After that dream flash I quickly jerked my head back up and then shook it hard to clear out any sleepiness. I had glanced Jamie's way to be sure he was still asleep when this overwhelming feeling came over me that I was being watched."

Dr. Lizy keyed in on my need for a drink and asked Tom to fetch me a bottle of water which he did. He was back with three bottles of water in no time at all. While he had been gone I had asked Dr. Lizy if she thought maybe my subconscious night life with Rico actually started as dreams each time and then I'd wake up but still be under the control of my subconscious. Her response to that inquiry was to hum thoughtfully and make several notes on her yellow notepad.

When Tom returned and handed me a bottle of water I chugged the whole thing down and handed it back before continuing.

"I happen to look up through the open ventilation flaps of the tent toward the open ceiling windows to see a glimpse of a head being pulled back and then heard the unmistakable giggling of someone. What was strange was I knew that laugh."

"Rico is that you up there?" I tried to whisper-shout.

The giggling continued mingled with scurrying sounds as someone tromped around on the gravel rooftop.

A vain of anger and a seriously intense need to catch him in the act fueled me to emerge fully from the tent. I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing; I was mission minded. I suppose I had it in my head that I was going to confront him once and for all.

I stopped talking to Tom and Dr. Lizy suddenly and covered my face with open fingers.

"What is it Simon?" Dr. Lizy asked with genuine concern.

"I cannot believe you saw what happened on the video!" I groaned, "How embarrassing!"

Tom let out a short blasting laugh and instantly knew he shouldn't have done that. Like I have done many times, he quickly covered his mouth with both hands and gave us both a look as though he were truly sorry.

From behind my hands I barked out "Shut up Tom!"

Tom cleared his throat amusingly.

I dropped my hands allowing them to see my glowing red face. I stuck my tongue out at Tom who curled his upper lip like Elvis Presley and said, "Thank you very much!" which made me giggle.

I rolled my eyes as I said, "Sooo, wearing just my smile... and I do mean completely nude!" I said with a wiggle of my eyebrows for half a second then forced myself to stop that. I wiped my forehead as though wiping the expression off and groaned, "What was that all about?" to which Dr. Lizy picked up her yellow pad of paper and jotted something down.

"UUUUGH!" I groaned again, "We're going to have to talk more about that another day aren't we?"

She smiled, clicked her pen and laid it and the paper on her lap.

I shook my head, shoulders, and arms as if I were a dog shaking off water from my fur and then continued, "I climbed from the tent and confronted Rico...well you all heard what I said to him. Rico didn't look like I remembered him; he looked older, pale, and sickly as though he were slowly dying of some horrible disease."

"How did you feel when you saw Rico standing there?" Dr. Lizy asked me.

"If you mean was I scared or startled by Rico's sudden appearance?" I thought for a second and then answered myself with, "I guess I somehow knew and expected him to be there."

I suddenly went quiet and both Tom and Dr. Lizy both read my face and knew I had a question dancing on the tip of my tongue.

"What is it?" they both asked as one.

I couldn't help but half smile at that.

I looked to Dr. Lizy and asked, "Same rules?"

"Excuse me?" She asked back.

"Do the same rules apply here, right now, as in your office?" I asked.

She nodded as she answered, "Absolutely!"

Tom looked puzzled as he asked, "Rules?"

"In that case I am declaring `No holds barred'; if that is ok?" I said.

"That would please me." Dr. Lizy announced.

Tom cleared his throat, "Wanna catch me up here?"

I answered, "It is like in wrestling, `No holds barred' means I can say anything I want without worry about how it might sound."

Tom nodded his understanding. "I would have assumed that would be a given." He said to Dr. Lizy and then added, "I mean considering the video and whatnot."

I scratched an itch on my nose while trying to think what I was saying and then continued, "Oh yeah, I remember now. Rico had reached out, taken my hand and with a sigh he leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. That's what you saw me doing on the computer. I had returned his gesture with my own passion that lasted... well you saw how long it lasted."

I paused and glanced from Tom to Dr. Lizy and back to Tom to see if either of them had any outward reaction to what I had just said. They didn't and I guess that was good...or maybe that was bad? Oh heck, I don't know.

"While we were still kissing and holding hands I felt a sort of pulling from Rico." I fingered my chin as I pondered how to describe it. "It was like something within me was coming from deep within me, out of my mouth and flowing into him."

I looked to Dr. Lizy. "Does that make sense?"

She nodded so I continued.

"Rico broke our lip lock and smiled down at me. I wanted to ask why he was naked too, why he looked so old and a hundred other questions, but I was lost in his eyes and unable to speak right then."

"While still holding my hand Rico started to pull me down to the floor. And ... well, you know what happened next."

Tom shifted on the chair next to me distracting me from my train of thought momentarily, but I soon was back on track.

"After Rico...did what he did, and we were sitting side by side on the small patch of lawn there inside the Greenhouse Rico began to speak."

"Are you scared?" he asked me.

"I shrugged, rolled my head to the side and rested it on his shoulder as I gave him a playful smirk. I then answered him with my own question, "Scared of what?""

"He shook his head and for an instant I thought I saw his eyes flash red just the way I thought I had seen them do when I had seen him under my bed that one day."

Tom was gently nodding his head in understanding as I spoke.

"Are you scared of me?" Rico asked with more emotion.

I looked out into the darkness of the room and thought for a second, then another before answering, "I guess I should be..." I paused before adding, "But I'm not."

After a prolonged silence I asked, "What's it like?"

"What's what like?" Rico asked sounding older then he looked.

"Being ... well being whatever it is you call yourself?" I asked.

While the rest of his face stayed motionless his right ear twitched like a mangy mutt.

"A guy?" he asked.

"Noooooo!" I said accusingly, "You know what I mean, like a vampire but different... I know you are an Incubus."

"WHAT?" Rico spouted and then burst into laughter.

"With Rico's religious background and training in the church, he of course was familiar with what I was referring too." I explained to Dr. Lizy and Tom.

"You are! Admit it! I figured you out!" I said rather matter of fact like to Rico.

Rico again leaned forward and kissed me except this time it was different, it was hot and extremely passionate; his hands softly caressed the back of my neck and head. When the kiss ended I was out of breath and my heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to explode or something.

"You have been watching too many horror movies!" Rico giggled as he used his thumb to wipe some slobber from my lips.

He then placed his hand on my leg and smiled. I noticed then that he looked...well...he looked better. He didn't look as sickly and pale as before. And the creases in his face seemed less pronounced than a moment ago.

"You've been watching me and visiting me." I said not as a question but a statement of fact.

He nodded and confessed, "Almost the entire time you've been back."

With those words his entire essence went dark as though engulfed in a shadow.

"I lost you twice; I won't lose you again!" he said and those words made me feel cold all over.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Rico took a deep breath, stood up and said, "I want to show you something."

I stood up took his outstretched hand, "What?"

"Not what," he said, "where."

"OK, where?" I asked with a chuckle.

"You'll see; it's not too far." He said as he led me across the roof to the fire escape.

In a flash I remembered my GPS ankle band. I stopped and let go of Rico. He stopped too and turned around to look at me.

"I can't go." I then pointed at the yellow band that was still strapped around my ankle.

Rico grimaced as he knelt before me and fumbled with the device.

At that Tom leaned forward in his chair as though he were intensely studying me. He rested his elbow on one knee and his chin on his fist.

Snottily I said, "I couldn't see what he was doing, but I both heard and felt as it clicked and fall away."

Tom leaned back again and sighed.

"It's really bugging you...the not knowing how I got out of it each time huh?" I laughed.

"Not just me. There are a handful of Egg-Heads back at the Bureau that would like nothing more than to dissect your brain to learn that secret.

Without even knowing I had done so, I placed my hands firmly onto my scalp and cried, "They cannot have my brain...I am still using it!"

Tom scoffed noisily, "Hardly."

"Hey!" I scoffed.

Tom smiled as Dr. Lizy frowned at him in hopes of keeping him from speaking again.

Dr. Lizy cleared her throat to get the two of us to stop squabbling; however, when she wasn't looking Tom stuck his tongue out at me. All I could do to retaliate was squint warningly at him.

Still squinting I moved my gaze to the clock as I leaned back into the chair, turned slightly to the right so that I was leaning against the backrest with my shoulder.

I then said, "I did ask him how he did it..."

Tom's ears perked up for an instant, "We heard you ask him on the tape."

I hadn't watched that much of the recording so I didn't realize that to had been captured.

"But all he did was smile kind of goofily..." I stopped mid thought and looked to Dr. Lizy, "Is goofily even a word?" and then turned back to Tom to finish my thought, "Rico then held out his hands like he was just caught doing something bad and said, `It's what I do!'"

Tom made a sucking sound through his teeth like he didn't believe a word of it.

"It's the honest to God truth." I said accusingly to Tom.

"I believe you." He said back.

"No you don't!" I almost shouted.

Tom scowled, "You're right I don't."

Dr. Lizy jumped in with, "You two are worse than some of my married couples!"

She then picked up her own bottle of water, sipped at it in a very lady-like fashion and then screwed the cap back on before setting it back down.

I slowly took my eyes off Dr. Lizy and moved them to Tom.

My tone and expression had totally changed. I needed to know that Tom believed me. I mean REALLY NEEDED to know!

"Do you really believe me?" I implored.

Tom sort of smiled, rolled his eyes like Jamie and I do all the time and said, "Yes I believe you think you don't know that you know."

That one got me. I scrunched up my nose to show my confusion, looked to Dr. Lizy who was no help and then back to Tom.

Tom motioned with his hand for me to go on as he said, "Tell us what happened after the Tracking band was removed."

Reluctantly I gave in and said, "Well as soon as it came off, he took my hand. We opened one of the side windows of the Greenhouse and out onto the roof. Then down, down, down the fire escape we went."

"Were you not worried about the tracking chip at all?" Tom asked.

I stopped and thought before shrugging and making a queer sound and then said, "I didn't even think about it last night."

"How come you didn't track me down using the tracking chip in my bone?" I asked.

"Oh we tried! Believe me we tried! But there is so much electronic noise and interference downtown that we were only getting blips of your position."

I sat and pondered that and perhaps for too long because Tom shook his head and said, "So you were on the fire escape, then what?"

I blushed again but didn't cover my face as I said, "Not even once did it occur to me that Rico and I were naked. It was like I had been put under some kind of spell and made to not care or something like that. I honestly can't explain it, then or now."

"Anyway, as we were climbing down I tried again to get Rico to admit he was an Incubus."

"If you're not an Incubus," I asked Rico a little too loudly, "than why do you look younger after kissing me?"

I continued talking even though I could see Dr. Lizy feverishly jotting down notes.

"What?" Rico called up from a few steps below me.

"Why won't you admit it?" I asked again.

But Rico just laughed and said, "Really? Man that's it! No more TV or movies for you!"

"Actually, I figured most of it out by reading up on it all on the Internet." I told him.

I sang out as I realized Rico hadn't halted his descent, "But you are not denying it!" I then hurriedly scampered downward until I managed to catch up with him.

"If you're not an Incubus then what are you?" I asked in a demanding tone.

Yet again I abruptly stopped sharing; another random thought had dropped out of my head. I looked quizzically at Dr. Lizy who returned my odd expression with her own.

"What is it?" She asked, obviously perplexed by my sudden mental direction change.

"Did you mean for me not to be taking my medications while I was staying with Ian and Colin?" I asked with a measure of anger that I didn't know was in me.

Dr. Lizy pulled her two eyebrows together and honestly it looked like she was trying to push out a big turd, but I guess my random question caught her off guard and she was just thinking really hard.

"Wow! Where did that come from?" Tom asked, but I don't know if he was asking me or Dr. Lizy.

I quickly placed my fingers over my lips as if I were trying to bring them back under control.

"I am so sorry!" I exclaimed.

Not missing a beat Dr. Lizy said, "I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but I thought it was important at the time that we take you off your medications for a short period. It was our hope that you would have a breakthrough. Of course none of us expected you would go running around the city in your birthday suit."

I shrugged and said, "OK! That's cool." and mentally chose not to comment on Dr. Lizy slight attempt at humor.

She expressed surprise at how willingly I was to accept that answer given my strongly voiced question.

And then I jumped right back where I had left off, "Rico had stopped long enough to give me a bit more than a peck on the lips and asked me, "Can't you just be happy that we're together again?""

"With that small kiss my heart sang out, or maybe it was the fast paced decent we were doing that had my heart working so hard. Either way I shrugged and followed him all the way to the streets below where we took to the allies and shadows to cross several city blocks."

Tom made a disapproving sound from deep within his throat.

I leaned forward as though about to whisper a secret, "I know it was major—mega—super—colossally dumb to go out, but honest mom, I swear I didn't remember doing it!"

I had called Tom, `mom' just then to irritate him and so that he knew that it hadn't escaped my notice that he was playing the role of the mother-hen very well; a role he was born to play, if you ask me.

Oh, as I am sitting here writing all this I suddenly had an image of Tom in a frilly blue dress and a blond wig. Ugh! Must erase that image!

Dr. Lizy explained for like the fourth time since we all started talking that my actions during these `subconscious' episodes were something that I could not help and no one should be surprised that my better judgment wasn't in play.

I turned in my chair and fidgeted a little.

"You ok?" Tom asked.

I gave my answer in the form of a slight head shaking.

Tom then suggested Dr. Lizy give the two of us a moment alone. It took her half a second to understand and excused herself from the room.

As soon as the door closed Tom reached for the paper sack which contained the other GoodNites and asked, "Are you only wet?"

The tone of his voice was almost desperately hoping that I was only wet. I stood up, dropped my prison issue pants to reveal a very wet GoodNite.

"I pooped in my cell." I announced as I pulled the GoodNite off without a single thought that Tom was in the room.

"Wow, that's wet!" Tom exclaimed as I stepped out of it.

Surprisingly when I held it out to Tom, he took it without question and dropped it into a small trashcan under the desk. I pulled on a dry GoodNite and was pulling my pants back up when Tom commented, "Shouldn't you clean up before you get dressed again?"

"Oh now you think of that?" I snapped. It came out snotty, but I swear I hadn't meant it that way.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I tried to shrug him and his question off but he pushed me for an answer.

I took a deep breath and let it out slow before I said, "I wet my pants earlier and I figured someone would at least notice it and offer me a dry pair."

Tom quietly chuckled to himself and said, "I noticed but didn't think it was ok to say anything about it."

"I see. So any chance you can pull some strings and get me another pair? Or do I have to go around smelling like a toilet?"

"I'll see what I can do, but unless you clean up, you're still going to smell like a toilet."

It was my turn to chuckle which felt really weird.

To try to chase away that weird feeling I asked, "Got any wipes?"

He shook his head and tried to smile.

"Can I use your shirt?"

He squinted at me and tried to hide a grin.

I settled back in the seat in a deep slouch, hung one leg over the armrest and nestled my head against the back rest as Tom went to let Dr. Lizy know it was ok to come back in. Even before the two of them were sitting again I began to speak but Dr. Lizy held up a hand to stop me.

I gave her a questioning look.

She simply held up a single finger as if to say, "Wait one moment." And then she pointed at the door just as it clanked and opened again.

I chuckled at the humor of it but then that same Officer who I had bit earlier walked in. Tucked under his left arm was a fresh pair of orange pants.

Granted I shouldn't have moved as fast as I did just then `cause I startled that poor officer pretty bad. He had jumped back and his hand went for his night stick but thankfully he didn't pull it.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw his hand on his night stick but when he paused I stuck out a single hand for him to shake. He eyed me with distain.

"I am sorry I was such a butt earlier and for biting you." I pointed to the white gauze that was wrapped around his hand.

The officer looked past me to the other occupants of the room before taking my hand and saying, "Apology accepted."

Still holding his hand I said, "I promise, I'll be on my best behavior from now on."

He eyed me again and with a very firm squeeze of my hand which did hurt he said, "Be sure you do!"

He then released my hand, leaving it white from the lack of blood and thrust the clean pants into my hand before leaving again.

Dr. Lizy stood and said, "I'll let you change into those and then we'll get back to work."

I shook my head, "You don't need to leave." And pulled down my pants before she could offer a comeback.

While kicking off my prison issued shoes so that I could pull off the soiled pants I continued right where I had left off earlier.

"So anyways; Rico was moving fast, like a cat, and even though I am a good runner, I was still having trouble keeping up with him. I guess `cause I was not used to running around barefoot. I honestly didn't have a clue where he was taking me until we reached the park next to the downtown library where we climbed up the biggest tree as far as we could."

Tom made a tick sound with his tongue, sucking against his teeth.

"What?" I almost snapped.

"That explains why we couldn't find you when we searched the park." He said.

"You searched the park?" I asked.

Tom grimaced, "Simon, we searched the entire downtown area for you."

"Wow, really?" I then hung my head, "Sorry."

"Yeah you think you are, but if I had found you last night you would have been real sorry!"

And though I didn't actually voice what I was thinking, I am sure Tom could read my mind and knew I was secretly proud of the fact that trained FBI agents couldn't track down one small naked boy.

Forcing my thoughts back to last night I said, "After a long time of the two of us just kind of sitting up in that tree Rico leaned toward me and kissed me again."

Unable to make contact I stared down at my kneecap and fingered it as I said this next part, "We made love up in that tree."

I glanced at Dr. Lizy who thankfully wasn't looking at me, but was again jotting down notes on her yellow pad.

"I don't know why? But for some reason since the day I met Rico in that foster home, I always feel completely... no that's not right." I shook my head to try and rattle that thought out of the way to make way for another, "It's like I can't, I mean don't want to say no to anything when it comes to Rico. It's like from day one he and I were two halves of the same spirit and well, having sex with him seemed right. It wasn't like with Runt. Not ever!"

I looked at Dr. Lizy again, "Does that make sense?"

After receiving affirmation from her and without bothering to look to Tom I took in a breath, rubbed at my eye and continued. "With Rico reclining in the bow of two larger limbs and me resting on him, my back to his tummy, my head below his chin, he said to me, "If you ask, I'd stay up here forever with you."

"The word `forever' seemed to echo in my head over and over, "...forever ...forever ...forever" until it eventually died out the way echoes do."

After a long silence Dr. Lizy asked, "Simon, what are you thinking about?"

"I don't want to talk about this next part." I said.

Tom reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "No one here is judging you. Anything you say here is completely ok. And remember, you called for `No Holds Barred' so just let it out."

I shook my head disagreeing, "I don't think I can say with you here." I told Tom.

"Do you want me to leave the room?" He asked.

I was surprised when I suddenly lurched forward and grabbed his wrist with strength I didn't know I had. I shook my head hard and sounding desperate I begged, "Please don't go!"

For a fraction of a second there, my heart skipped a beat at the mere thought of not having Tom there to protect me from ... well from myself.

I let go of Tom, leaned back, curled my toes within the shoes I had been issued, took a deep breath and held it as I looked at my knee again and "No holds barred. No holds barred."

I then went on to say, "Rico laced his fingers in with mine and with his mouth right beside my left ear he whispered, `I could kill him for you if you want.'"

"Who?" I asked him.

"Mort." He said so softly that the name fell from his mouth with little to no momentum. He then added, "I could do it you know."

I shook my head, "I know you could and would." I said with no more emotion. As I said those words I was looking at Tom. We both shared an unspoken thought. I am sure Dr. Lizy knew there was something more there, but she didn't chase that one. Instead she re-directed my train of thought back on track.

Rico spat down through the tree branches and said, "Yeah, that's probably right." He then asked, "Do you like being home?"

I returned his question with one of my own, "Do you want the truth?"

Though I couldn't see him do so, I could feel Rico nod because his chin bumped the top of my head a couple times.

"Yes and no." I said honestly.

"I hate it!" He confessed and I knew he meant the two of us being apart.

We sat for the longest time not saying a word until for no reason Rico asked, "Are you going steady with anyone?"

I grunted out the question, "What do you mean?"

Rico snuggled his cheek against my ear. He was so warm. "You know. Going steady is what you do before you get engaged and then get married."

I giggled and he lightly tickled my belly button with his finger tip.

"What?" he asked.

Still giggling I said, "Someone's gonna have to get me pregnant first."

That made Rico laugh too and he whispered into my ear, "Sounds like a challenge!" and then we started making love again up in that tree.

I sort of forgot I was sitting in that Juvenile Hall office with Tom and Dr. Lizy as the following seemed to just come out of me like someone had turned on a faucet and then walked away.

"After a while the two of us hung in the tree like a couple of spent creatures of the night. Arms wrapped like pythons around one another, legs intertwined, groins pressed tightly together, my cheek lying against his chest, his breath caressing the top of my head."

"Will you stay with me forever?" Rico asked and his warm breath sent waves of warmth radiating through my nude body like ripples in a pond.

I shook my head. "I want to go home, Rico." I paused a fraction of an instant before I added, "I mean I want to stay with you, but I know I can't. And I am not conflicted about this. I love you, but I love my family more. I hope that doesn't make you angry."

I knew it did. I could feel the tightness in his chest and hear his heart beating hard and fast.

"I would do anything to make sure you are happy." He assured, "You would never want for anything." There was an immeasurable pause before he said, "But if you want to go home I won't stop you." And without the slightest hesitation this time he added, "However, I hope you understand I cannot let you go. Even if you return to your family, I will always be watching after you. I love you too much to not be near you."

I placed my hands on Rico's pink erect nipples and pushed myself so that I was now straddling him; his rapidly recovering penis pressing into my crack. I tried with all my might to hide my growing desire to have him inside me once again.

Tom shifted uncomfortably in his seat but I was lost in my thoughts and didn't even realize I'd noticed until later when I was writing all this down.

Rico put a hand over his eyes as though shielding himself from what I had to say; he then motioned me with his other hand to continue.

I leaned forward, kissed Rico on the lips like an angel might kiss a new born infant.

I could see disappointment and something akin to anger but not actual anger within Rico's eyes as he said, "You keep your distance from me. We are linked. We are one spirit. I understand you like no one else ever has or ever will. I sympathize with everything that you have been through. But still you keep me at arm's length. You make this show of wanting your family, but at the same time you are here, now, with me. Which is real? Which is an act?"

I pushed myself up again, feeling his warm male hood again pressing into my crack. I shivered with pleasure and anticipation.

"What a thing to say." I growled and ran my finger down his sternum to his belly button.

"You never even say..." Rico said and I opened my mouth to object, but he cut me off by saying, "Just a sec." he took in a deep breath as though he were trying to suck in my very soul, "Do you love me? I ask because I talk and think about you all the time. I spend countless hours wondering why you won't turn to me. You are hurting and I keep hoping you will turn to me to talk to."

"What? I talk to anybody and everybody! I even talk to paper. I'm quite the blabbermouth." I said in my own defense.

Rico shook his head as his left hand fingered my earlobe. "There is a force field around you and those words you just said are the lightning bolts that keep it powered."

"Lightning bolts power a force field?" I teased.

Rico pinched my right nipple between his forefinger and thumb, but I refused to show him how much it hurt.

He smiled, thrust his hips upward, pushing his now fully hard penis deeper into my crack so that it was all but completely hidden within my crevice.

"So you are listening!" He joked with an air of subjugation. "Simon, I am not trying to force you to choose either way. I just want to be with you; to be part of you! To be inside of you!" And when he said `inside of you' he thrust his hips again as though putting the exclamation point at the end of his words. The fact that his words had a double meaning was not lost on me either.

"I am not..." I started to say, but then changed my mind and instead said, "I don't have any secrets from you. I couldn't do that to you even if I wanted too. My whole essence is like a pop-up book, lying open just for you..." I gave him an evil grin as I then said, "...and I am really not worried about having you..." I paused for effect before saying, "...inside of me."

I took a heavy sigh filled breath in, leaned forward and once more placed my head against Rico's bare chest as I said, "It's like I don't even live in my body anymore; just my mind, floating, in nothingness, except when I am with you. It is like you are the answer to any question I might have."

"What question?" he asked.

I pushed myself up again, feeling his throbbing teenage lust part my cheeks once again and press earnestly against my rear door. One corner of my mouth curled into a smile, "The question I keep asking myself and never get an answer too."

I felt Rico swell up, thrust his hips up and the head of his penis stabbing at me as he growled out, "WHAT QUESTION?"

When I didn't answer Rico took hold of either side of my head and pulled it closer to his so that he could search my face for ... for what? A sign? The question?

I smiled at him and said, "I love you!"

"Do you?" he asked.

I stared into his eyes and with every fiber of my being I tried to somehow telepathically make him feel my devotion to him.

Rico broke the silence with, "I can see you've given this a lot of thought. Fanatical, borderline—crazy thought. But, whatever keeps you happy." He paused, cocked his head to the side and for an instant reminding me of a tiny puppy, "You are happy, you know."

The corner of my mouth, which had been bent upward in a smile, turned downward.

Rico softly nodded his head, "I can see it, so can others. You have this shadowy mass inside of you and yet you are happy. It's driving people crazy."

"Shadowy mass?" I asked, but Rico didn't reply and in some sort of way I didn't need him to answer.

For the first time in several minutes I made eye contact with Dr. Lizy and yet managed to stay in that sort of twilight sort of thinking as I made the comment, "I knew there was blackness inside of me. I hated it and was angry about it, but I also understood, in some very twisted, bizarre, putrefied sort of way of living, I wanted it to stay inside of me. Even after I got saved at The Ranch and started to fall in love with Jesus and feeling him filling more and more of my heart as we grow closer, I still held onto and kept hidden that blackness."

I honestly wanted Dr. Lizy to comment just then. To tell me that what I had...I mean what I was still feeling was valid and normal but instead she simply wrote on that damn note pad. Then again, maybe she had thought that when I said that, it had been words said to Rico last night that I was just retelling. Maybe she didn't realize I had been talking to her and wanting her to say something.

I bit down on one side of my tongue, twisted my chin to one side to stretch my neck and as quickly as I had come out of the past, I slipped right back into it as I watched Dr. Lizy's ink pen move across the paper.

Rico's face lit up as he said rigidly, "I get it." He placed both hands on my buttocks, "I finally get it."

"Get what?" I asked him as the touch of his warm hands on my night chilled cheeks sent wave after wave of warming pleasure ebbing throughout my body and causing me to tremble within his grasp.

"Why, you are so unusual, Pañal Cabrito."

I growled at Rico for calling me Pañal Cabrito even though he knew that I knew what that meant.

He giggled which caused me to bounce upon him and caused his ridged penis to stab repeatedly at my backdoor as though it were asking for permission to reenter."

"You are weird in that you are not weird." He said.

OK, even I didn't get that and scrunched up my nose in confused bliss.

"Uh?" I grunted, "Wow, you sure recognize a lot of aspects about me. You are so clever, Ricardo Vasquez." I smiled, trying to hide from him that I was sort of teasing him back for calling me Pañal Cabrito. "A Succubi like you—you could really make something out of yourself in this world."

This time Rico scrunched up his nose and grunted, "Ugh you still stuck on that?"

I pushed my lips against his and then pressed backward against his now throbbing penis. Rico, with clenched teeth sucked in his breath put a knuckle into my mouth to bite down on the way he always does and then thrust himself inside of me. Unlike the two previous times he didn't take his time. This time he buried himself fully within my bowels in a single, swift push. It only hurt for a minute and then it stopped hurting completely. I remember noticing how his pubic hairs tickled my jewels and wondered if that is how it felt to have pubic hairs all the time and if so I wouldn't be against growing my own at all.

When the pain abated, which hadn't been nearly as bad as the first time as twice already he'd entered me and I was still somewhat stretched out back there, I released my toothy grip and he removed his finger from my mouth while exclaiming weakly, "Ouch" as he shook his finger.

I smiled and asked, "What do you think of what I said?"

He shrugged as he began to rhythmically thrust his pelvis up and down.

"How's that for a real response." He grunted.

I smiled, "Not as real as what I said before."

Rico began to pick up the pace.

"That you love me?" he asked.

I nodded as waves of pleasure began to overwhelm me.

Rico smirked, "You are not my shrink, Simon."

He stopped talking long enough to really pick up the pace as he began to buck harder. "And for damn sure you are not my cleric! Don't coddle me and don't tell me what you believe I need to hear."

I was finding it hard to keep my thoughts about me as lust was taking over. "You are right," I moaned.

We were both quiet for a while as we both put our `everything' into our love making. After... what was it now, the third time we made love that night? Rico grunted and pressed himself deeply into me as I felt our souls merge once more.

Eventually he stopped thrusting himself in and out of me and we both just lay still. I reveled in the fullness of him inside of me even still.

He spoke, "I'm not joking."

"About what?" I asked robotically. I honestly wasn't really listening as I was enjoying our physical and spiritual union on such a level that nothing much else mattered.

"It's like when my great-papa passed. Great-papa had always taken care of me, it was wretched the way he ordered me around, and I just did whatever he desired. My mother would say to me, `Don't you ever grow up and marry someone who treats you like that!" but when Great-papa died, you'd think that his lover Aliandro, would have felt free. FREE AT LAST! But he wasn't. He was lost. He kept looking for Great-papa. He kept talking about things he was working on for him. Can't do this, can't do that, PaPa wouldn't like it, until my father said to him, "He's dead for crying out loud! Let him be dead!"

"What's that got to do with anything?" I asked Rico.

"Well..." Rico started, "so did Aliandro. That's what he said. "I know. I just can't figure out why I am not gone too.""

I slapped myself comically across the face. "Thank you, Doctor Rico, you finally revealed my deepest fires and now I am capable of getting on with my life!"

Rico ignored my sarcasm. "Perhaps that is why you hardly notice what's going on around you. Why you can't act like a regular person around other people. Why you don't even seem to care that there are people all around you who are trying to help you. You have exiled yourself from this life and wedded yourself. You are living on your own planet, orbiting a lonely, dying star somewhere in the farthest reaches of space.

I sighed and grunted at the same time, "Yeah, well, it wasn't much of a honeymoon,"

"You're still in love?" he asked.

"With who?" I asked back.

"With yourself. You don't have to agree with me now. It will come to you later. You'll wake up in a cold, leaking diaper and you'll shout, `Urethra!'"

"You mean Eureka." I moaned.

"Yeah that's what I said." Rico stuck his tongue out at me and then smiled, "You will exclaim that I was right all along! Only then can you start fighting for your right to return from Planet Simon to Planet Earth and to your loved ones. You can then start caring about someone and something other than yourself again."

"I care about you now, Rico." I said.

He shook his head in defeat and poked me in the forehead with a rather pointy finger. "Just no way to get through that beautifully thick skull," he said. "But I thought it was worth one last try. I'm right, though. You'll see. You can't live alone on your planet for the rest of your life. Sooner or later you have to come home."

"I'm trying Rico, I am honestly trying."

He again shook his head but didn't speak.

I am not sure why, but I started to feel a little miffed. "You think you know me?"

He nodded.

"The way you think you know me... I'm not stuck on some strange planet... and by the way why is the planet named Simon? Maybe I want to name my planet something else like Planet Bob or Planet Thirteen or something cool like that!?"

Rico smirked and I swear I honestly wanted to smack that smirk off his face.

"Ah, so it bothers you when somebody presumes to know your deepest inner most motivations. Remember, you said you are an open popup book to me."

I started to bare my teeth and growl to let him know he was pushing my buttons.

"It bothers me that you are such a ... a ... a Succubi."

Rico rolled his eyes, "Well if nothing else, you have cheered me up marvelously well. And WE Succubi are grateful when the fine folk from Planet Simon come to visit us."

"Planet Thirteen!" I corrected him and gave his nipple a hard twist which made him wiggle and nearly dislodge me from his lap. It was only then that his now soft penis popped from my anus which made the exact same sound that a jar makes when you first break that air-tight seal.

Rico's voice was angry and defiant when he fired his parting shot. "Well, I actually love you Simon David Leonard Junior and I care about you." Then he lifted me; he actually lifted me off him, sat me on my own branch and began to descend out of the tree.

Right then Tom let out a strong, heavy sigh. I don't think he knew he'd done it until he saw me looking at him with daggers for having broken my train of thought again. Our eyes met and I could tell he was confused as to why I was looking at him the way I was.

"Am I boring you?" I hissed.

"Excuse me?" he said with wide, surprise filled eyes.

Dr. Lizy quickly jumped in with, "You sighed."

Tom sat up straight in his chair. "I did?"

"Yes and it was loud." I told him.

"I'm sorry." He apologized to me and in the same breath he looked at Dr. Lizy and asked, "Do you let him talk like that in all of your sessions?"

I knew exactly what he meant and reminded him that I had called `No holds barred' but that didn't seem to satisfy him. Dr. Lizy then had to explain to him the importance of the `No holds barred' rule and she punctuated her explanation with a simple, "If it bothers you, you can wait for us out in the hall."

With that statement I saw for the very first time that Dr. Lizy has claws. Somehow I managed to keep myself from laughing out loud at Tom.

Tom sat back against his chair and once again covered his eyes with one hand while holding his elbow with the other.

"Please continue." Dr. Lizy said to me.

But I didn't start right away. Instead I told Tom, "I am done talking about the sex part of last night, if that helps any?"

Without removing his hand from his face he nodded but didn't speak. I actually chuckled at that and gave Dr. Lizy an amused grin which she returned.

"Let me see? Where was I? Oh yeah! So, I started to follow Rico out of the tree while trying to convince him of my own feelings toward him, "And I love and care about you, only you don't believe me when I say it!"

We walked in silence, going nowhere really.

I finally spoke up and told Rico, "My feet are cold." To which Rico then asked, "You are naked and that is the only part of you that is cold?"

I chuckled, said, "Yep! What sort of magic can you do to warm up my feet?"

With that we turned north-east and walked all the way over to 1^st street.

We made our way over to those new downtown condos. My heart was racing as Rico lead me right to the back of one of those places. He squatted by the backdoor and a fraction of a moment later there was a click and the door opened. We went in. It was dark except for the glow from a large fish tank with the coolest blue fish which were about the size of my thumb." I told everyone.

Tom then blew a breath out through his nose, "Well that explains that."

"What does?" Dr. Lizy asked.

"There was a report early this morning of a break-in at those condos." Tom explained.

I blushed and asked, "Are you going to arrest me for breaking in?"

Tom shook his head, "Perhaps it has escaped your notice but you are already in jail."

Deep inside myself I was growling at him.

I didn't realize that while I was checking out the cool fish tank, two things happened, I'd peed all over the carpet and the cabinet the tank sat on and Rico had vanished further into the place looking for shoes or something for me to wear.

Actually I hadn't noticed he was gone until he said, "Here put these on."

I chuckled when I saw he was holding the cutest little bunny slippers.

"You couldn't find a pair of running shoes or hiking boots?" I laughed as I dropped my bare bottom onto a leather sectional and pulled the slippers on.

"Ah Simon!" Rico exclaimed in an irritated sounding tone.

"What?" I asked.

"I just stepped in your pee!" he said and we both laughed.

We raided their refrigerator and took a huge peanut butter pie which we ate as we sort of strolled through the better lit parts of town.

I paused and thought for a second before I said, "Oddly, I don't remember how we got back to the apartment building, nor the climb back up the fire escape."

"Don't worry Simon. You have remembered more than I or any of us could have expected. You have an amazing mind and an amazing ability to recreate your memories with such vivid detail. And don't be surprised if, now that you have got the plug pulled from the subconscious drain, so to speak, that you may start remembering little things every now and then for no reason whatsoever."

I nodded my agreement and understanding as I made the comment, "I don't know. It was like we were walking the streets of downtown and then suddenly we were back to the apartment building."

Tom then asked, "You weren't even trying to not be seen?"

I shook my head, "Not really. We just walked right down the main sidewalks not caring who saw us streaking through town. I do remember us playing with an ATM."

Tom made another sound much like earlier. "Yes and it took your picture too."

For a second I got concerned, "Oh man it took a picture of me naked?"

Tom thought that was humorous. "No. Just a head shot is all. By the way, you left your half eaten stolen pie there."

Another memory flashed within my head as I remembered that I'd taken the remains of that pie and spattered it all over the screen of the ATM when it wouldn't give us any free money.

"Oh man!" I moaned with genuine regret, "I totally pied that machine!"

Dr. Lizy was busily taking notes as she said, "What do you remember next?"

"Well, I remember that it must have been getting close to morning `cause even the night people had vanished from the streets. We didn't see a single soul out, or have a car pass by us, even once."

I paused and rubbed at my nose. "You know, there was this one night, back on the Banachelli, when I was standing alone on the deck. It had been a very calm ocean and a completely cloudless night sky. I had felt like I was the only person alive at that moment while at the same time I also felt like my soul had somehow become part of the splendor of that night. I felt it again as Rico and I were walking back to the apartment. The stillness, the complete lack of wind, noise, and smells; just alone with the nothingness that was the night."

I glanced over to Tom who was sitting there with one eyebrow perched quizzically high on his forehead.

Dr. Lizy made a sound which drew my attention away from Tom.

"What?" I asked her.

"It sounds to me like you do remember walking back to the apartment building... at least parts of that journey anyway."

I shrugged and bobbed my head pleasantly. "Huh, I guess so."

"WAIT!" I suddenly shouted and nearly scared Tom right out of his chair.

"I... I did see you last night!" I exclaimed, "I was climbing back up the fire escape. Rico was going so fast that he was a whole floor higher up than me when I heard you call my name!"

Tom was smiling ear to ear now. "I was wondering if you actually heard me or if you would remember that too."

And then I remembered something else, "Oh no! I spit down at you didn't I?"

"You did?" Tom asked back, "Well I didn't see you do that."

"Oh man!" I covered my face with my hands and tilted my head back in frustration.

"Why didn't you climb up after me?" I asked without removing my hands.

"I did but when I got to the roof top I found you up there talking like someone was with you." Tom looked to Dr. Lizy, "I was telling you about this downstairs."

Dr. Lizy nodded, "And you were right not to interject yourself within that moment. Like I said, it might have caused more harm than good."

As the two of them had been talking I suddenly felt like the third wheel. Like I wasn't actually part of the current conversation. But then Dr. Lizy asked me to continue so I shook off that odd feeling and went on.

"Well we got back to the roof and I was standing beside the open window about to go back into the Green House room when Rico turned back to face me, Rico then said what I guess was his goodbye to me."

"Simon, I wasn't being sarcastic or patronizing when I said all of that before." Rico said.

I shook my head, "Neither was I!"

I looked from Tom to Dr. Lizy, both were just watching me, expressionless.

"But before I had finished saying those three short words he was gone."

I shifted my position in my chair so that I was leaning forward, my elbows on my knees and forearms crossed. I began to rock, slowly at first but with each rocking my movement became more and more unrest. My right hand began to twitch as I welled up with tears and had to rub my eyes. They let me sit quietly for a moment, but I am sure the anticipation was killing them to say something or for me to say something.

I was quiet for so long that Tom finally had to ask, "What happen next?"

He asked it as though I had been telling him about a movie I had seen or a book I had read. I find it amusing now to think back on how much he had reminded me of Jasper in that instant.

With a shrug I said, "Well, you were watching me and I am sure it was caught on the camera. I climbed back into the Greenhouse, crawled into the Tent with Jamie and went to sleep."

"That's not all, actually." Tom said with some reluctance.

"What? What'd I do?" I asked while trying to recall.

"You threw up that peanut butter pie on the roof before you climbed back in threw that window." Tom said.

"I did? I mean is that all?" I asked with some relief that it wasn't something more disturbing.

"That was it." Tom said.

Elbows still on knees, forearms re-crossed, I went quiet again. After a moment I shrugged my shoulders as though answering a question.

"Simon?" Dr. Lizy asked.

I shrugged again and shook my head.

"I-I guess I'll never see him again." I finally said with a sniffle.

Now one thing I really like about Dr. Lizy is that she always knows when to say something and when not too. When to prod me and when to let me alone to work something out for myself. However, this time she failed in that ability.

"Simon? You do know that everything you just told us about your journey around town and making love to Rico didn't really happen right?" she went on to say, "You were alone when you were out running around downtown? You were alone in that tree and in that Condo too? You know that right?"

I looked at her in complete disbelief and I didn't even realize that what she had said made me so angry until the words of fire and brimstone were erupting out of my mouth.

"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?! YOU THINK I DON'T FUCKING KNOW THAT?! I KNOW RICO'S DEAD! I KNOW HE IS FUCKING DEAD! I FUCKING KILLED HIM! HE BEGGED ME TO FUCKING DO IT AND I FUCKING DID! I PICKED UP THAT MOTHER FUCKING ROCK AND I FUCKING SMASHED HIS FUCKING HEAD!"

The Three Gorges Dam is a hydroelectric dam that spans the Yangtze River by the town of Sandouping, located in the Yiling District of Yichang, in Hubei province, China. The Three Gorges Dam is the world's largest power station in terms of installed capacity. Now imagine if you will that someone detonated a HUGE bomb at the base of that Dam, bursting the dam and allowing all of the water to erupt freely within an instant. That is what happened with my tears and emotions.

With a wail that could have woken the twelve dead apostles of Jesus I began to cry uncontrollably. When Tom reached for me I launched myself from the chair with inhuman ability, cartwheeled in midair and fell to the floor behind my chair in a heap. I began to push myself backward using my hands until I had wedged myself between one of the tall file cabinets and the wall. They were both to their feet and I held up my hands as though I had Jedi powers and was able to willing them to not take another step closer. Somehow it worked too; they stopped advancing. I pulled my legs up tight, buried my face in my knees, wrapped my arms over my head and screamed and screamed and screamed.

I can only imagine what those on the other side of the door thought was happening after such a long time of seemingly silent counseling.

I cried and I cried and I cried like I have never cried in my life. I don't even remember getting off the floor, or maybe Tom or Dr. Lizy or both had moved me back to the chair. I just don't remember that happening. But when I couldn't cry anymore I sat there in that chair, quiet as death and motionless for a long while. No one asked me any questions; no notes were scribbled down. There were no sighs, or grunts or anything; they just left me to sit and think.

While I thought I became aware that even though I had pooped in my cell earlier, I had just done so again. It didn't feel like a lot, and it didn't feel wet like before, but I could sure feel it smashed within my butt crack. For an instant I thought about saying something to them. Heck if they couldn't smell it, I was sure before too long the odor would escape the GoodNite and the Orange Prison pants and make its way to their noses. However the thought didn't last long; it was pushed out of the way by the stronger, emotion fueled thoughts.

I was quiet and after a very long time I spoke softly, calmly, "Rico came back for me. He came and he got me and we were going to stay together forever. He rescued me."

I went on to tell them both about how Rico had rescued me. They already knew most of what I told them, but then again I wasn't really telling them; I was really just reliving it for myself.

"I was lying in the back seat of the car Rico had got for us. I was going between pain and sleep and pain and sleep. Rico, for some reason started driving even though it was the middle of the night. I guess since I had woken him he figured he might as well get some road behind us while he was awake."

I didn't know until Dr. Lizy called my name that I had stopped talking even through my brain had continued on.

"Simon?" she said.

I looked to her through blurry, swollen eyes.

"Huh?" I grunted.

She made me understand that I had stopped talking and at what point. I had to mentally rewind my thoughts to get back to where I'd left them.

"I-I have thought about it a lot." I was shaking my head as I spoke, "He-He must have fallen asleep while driving. I mean why else would he drive off the road like that? He wouldn't. He just wouldn't. I remember I was in the car, we tumbled and tumbled and then I wasn't in the car anymore. I remember a burning tree rolling down toward me and I remember running and jumping off a cliff. That burning tree never came over the cliff's edge after me. I honestly don't remember landing after I jumped but I remember feeling electrified. Like you feel when you are abruptly awakened from a very deep sleep."

I stopped talking again and focused intently on the memory yet everything after I leapt off that cliff until I was climbing back up it is completely gone from my head.

"I climbed and climbed until I was again standing on the cliff. The huge burning tree was about twenty feet further up. I was wet and cold. The tree cracked and popped loudly."

I paused again, long enough to look at Tom who was sitting quietly, one leg crossed over the other and his right arm was crossed over his chest while his left palm was cradling his left cheek. In that instant he reminded me a lot of Ian.

I shook my head and rubbed my temples to try to massage the memory out, "Aaas I was making my way back up the hill I had the strangest thought right then, that if I had closed my eyes I could have imagined that I was sitting by a camp fire."

"RICO!" I called out.

I listened but heard nothing from him.

"R I C O !" I shouted as loud as I could.

"The fire from the burning tree was glistening off the crumpled metal of the car which was way up the hill I could see small flames coming from the car too. It looked like the flames were dancing. The car was on its side, the crumpled roof facing toward me and the burning underside of the car was away from me. I had to climb over broken trees before I reached the car. I found Rico on the far side pinned under the car. His eyes were open."

Tears were flowing again as I spoke fast and forceful.

"I could feel the heat from the flames. I was so cold that they felt good. Rico was crying. Blood was coming out of his nose, ears, and mouth. His front teeth were gone."

"Rico I am going to go get help!" I told him.

"He begged me not to leave him and I told him I wouldn't. I tried lifting the car, but I couldn't even budge it."

"I'm going to die Pañal." And he tried to laugh but only managed to cough up more blood. I tried to wipe the blood from his mouth but there was so much of it.

I shook my head, "Don't say that! I won't let you die."

He shook his head too, "Now listen! I am crushed under here." He banged on the underside of the car with his one free arm. The sound of his fist on metal seemed to sound almost melodious.

And suddenly the car shifted and rolled so that more of Rico was lost under the car. He let out a scream as the car moved and try as I might I couldn't stop the car from rolling. When it stopped moving all that was sticking out was Rico's head. He was crying and screaming in pain."

I looked at Tom and was willing him to say something or do something so that I wouldn't have to say this next part but Tom sat there quietly waiting with his own tears rolling down his face. I felt a sense of betrayal that he wasn't strong enough to help me in that moment.

"He kept screaming over and over for me to kill him. I didn't know what else to do so I picked up a big rock. He saw me do it and screamed, `DO IT! DO IT!' so I did."

Again the room fell into silence save for our three combined sobs, but even with the sobs and sniffles the silence now was so much more...silent. It was so quiet that it actually caused my ears to hurt. They hurt so much that I had to reach up and grab my ears.

Never before had I told a living soul what had happened. Never before had I even wrote those words. In my journal, that part was simply left out. Oddly, the thought occurred to me that I had let BJ read the entry about how Rico had saved me and how we had crashed. But he never got to read about the aftermath, or how Tom had found me only minutes after I had killed Rico. I sat there wondering why BJ hadn't asked me about that, after all he wanted to read about how Tom found me, but he never got to read that part. I wonder why?

"Why what?" Dr. Lizy asked me.

"What?" I asked back.

"You just said, `I wonder why?'"

"I did?" I shook my head. I was thinking about my friend BJ is all.

"Do you want to share that with us?" she asked.

I shook my head, "It's not important."

We continued to talk for well over an hour and by the end of it I was completely spent. I had zero energy left and just wanted to...

"What?" Dr. Lizy asked when she sensed there was something troubling me.

"I want to go home now." I wept as tears again flowed.

Dr. Lizy's countenance fell as she said, "I'm sorry Simon, but I am afraid that is out of our hands for the time being."

My voice cracked as I asked, "Why?"

I didn't want her to say it but she did anyways, "You'll have to stay here... for now."

Tom then added, "I'll talk with your Probation Officer, but, at the very least, you are probably going to have to spend the weekend here. Maybe even part of next week."

I wiped my runny nose on the sleeve of my orange shirt, "Can I see my mom and dad at least?"

There was something in the way Tom and Dr. Lizy looked at each other but I didn't get it right then.

"I'm sure they'll be here to see you in the morning. You know they were out looking for you all night too." Tom told me.

I had almost got myself to stop crying but when Tom told me that I started to cry again.

"They were?" I blubbered.

"You don't know how relieved they were when they found out you were alright." Dr. Lizy told me.

____________________

Tom was sitting across the room while I was standing by the door leaning against the wall and waiting to be taken to wherever I would be sleeping that night. Dr. Lizy had left a few short minutes before, but Tom refused to leave me alone. Even after I assured him I was ok and that I wouldn't do anything stupid he still stayed with me.

We were both quiet for the longest time until finally he spoke up.

"Come here." he demanded.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'm going to hug you." He said rather dogmatically.

"Nu-uh!" I said shaking my head.

"I didn't mean that to sound..." Tom said with a crooked smirk, "Just come here ya brat!"

I took several steps toward him, but stopped just out of reach. Without lifting his butt from the chair he lunged out, grabbed my shirt and yanked me into a bear-like embrace.

"UUUUUGH!" I groaned, "You're going to break me!"

He loosened his grip and let me pull away enough that we could look into one another's eyes.

"You are about the toughest person I know and that includes some extremely tough men. I doubt very much that there is anything I could do to hurt you." He said and then pulled me back into another strong hug as he continued to talk, "But, and I mean this with all the love I have for you, you are one seriously screwed up kid!"

I rested my cheek against his neck and I softly said, "I love you too." And this time I didn't object at all as Tom squeeze me a little too tightly.

____________________

My first thought when I was put in a small room by myself was that Tom or Dr. Lizy had pulled some strings to get me a private cell away from all the other boys in Juvenile Hall; but when I realized that the room I was in was under constant camera watch, I realized I was in that cell because everyone thought I needed watched for fear I might hurt myself.

Ok, that wasn't exactly true, that wasn't my first thought, that was my third thought. My first thought was to ask for something to write with; amazingly I received a new pad of paper and a felt tip pen which seemed odd since I could have used the pen to kill myself if I had so wanted too. Fyer had taught us boys on the Banachelli how to kill someone with a pencil or ink pen or even a stick off the ground. I suppose it would be just as easy to do the same to oneself if he or she were so inclined. But I wasn't inclined. Instead all I wanted to do was write and that's what I did for hours and hours and hours. I only stopped when lunch and then dinner were brought to me. I had actually missed lunch but they had brought me something shortly after I had been put in the cell. I wrote so much and so long that I didn't even sleep that night. Instead I sat on the hard metal bed type bench which had a thin mattress, a single blanket and pillow and spent the night writing and thinking... I suppose for me that could be considered a dangerous thing.

Like I said, my first thought had been to ask for something to write with; my second thought was to deal with the condition of my backside. Boy that proved to be a royal pain! You see, in Juvy the toilet paper comes out of this dispenser that is mounted inside the wall and it doesn't come off of a roll like at home but in tiny individual folded sheets that are about three inches wide and maybe four inches long when unfolded. They are also only one ply thick and not soft at all on one's tender areas. It took me forever to clean my backside using those tiny sheets of toilet paper. I will make one observation though, it didn't stink. I don't think I ever had a bowel move that didn't think at least a little. Anyway, once I was as clean as I could make myself, I put on one of the last two GoodNites which I had left on the bed. They didn't let me keep the bag which was weird. They let me have paper and a potential weapon but not a paper bag? I'll never understand adult! Cleaned up and GoodNited up I settled down to write.