WARNING: This ADULT fiction contains sexual accounts between boys and men with boys AND IS UNSUITABLE FOR MINORS.

AN ANORAK'S ALMONAC

THE OFFICIAL SNOWY WHYTE AND

THE SEVEN ANORAKS' BOOK OF MEANINGLESS FACTS & USELESS TRIVIA!

NOTES TO ACCOMPANY THE FAIRY TALE FOR BOYS

by Graham Day

CONTENTS

1.   Introduction & Inspiration.

2.   The Complete Cast of Snowy Whyte.

3.   The Final Table of Contents.

4.   Sexual Content by Chapter.

5.   What is a Wank? British English for Beginners.

6.   VIP's (Very Important Penises.)

7.   Recommended Reading Matter.

8.   Pubs, English Food and Information for Vistiors

9.   Which Anorak. Anoraks for Anoraks.

10.                    How to Distinguish Anoraks from Geeks and Nerds

11.                    It's all Geek to me - Anorak-speak for Beginners.

*****

Introduction & Inspiration.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for reading Snowy Whyte and the Seven Anoraks. You certainly have fortitude to tackle such a wacky tale when there are much easier stories in this archive that does not try to get you to laugh while your hands are otherwise occupied.

After a long silence, due to the intrusion of the real world which disturbed the important business of story telling, Snowy Whyte will finally be restarting and moving to a conclusion, or to a climax, depending on whether you are a left-handed-reader or not!

Many Snowy fans have written to ask questions such as "why do the chapter heading change", "who the hell are all the characters", and "will it ever come to a frigging end?" Others have called for facts and information and yet another group has sent me items of Snowy-trivia.

Well in true Anorak-style I felt it important to give you the facts - all the facts - the accumulation of arcane, and quite often-useless bits of trivia, all of which has been obsessive-compulsively cross-referenced for the reading pleasure of the anal-retentive.

This isn't, therefore, really part of the ongoing Snowy Whyte -saga, but a response to many reader enquiries. It is really a few answers; some of my working notes; and some admirable additions from Anorak readers.

Basic Story Line

The basic story line of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" is generally well known, but if you missed your childhood, it is about a lovely girl whose mother dies and her father, the King, remarries a vain, unpleasant woman.

To begin with, Snow White's evil stepmother, the Queen, believes herself to be "the fairest of them all". At this point, Snow White is but a tiny child. Ten years on the status quo is upset as Snow White has truly blossomed. The Queen makes plans to kill Snow White but her plans are thwarted because Snow White has Winnie, the palace cook on her side as well as Jasper, the huntsman and the Queen only has a mirror with attitude.

The Queen thinks that Jasper has taken Snow White into the woods and killed her. But, as the story goes, Snow White finds herself in a cottage, which belonges to a number of vertically challenged men.

When the Queen consults her mirror again, she finds to her horror that Snow White must still be alive. She then sets off into the woods to kill Snow White herself. She fails on her second attempt but seemingly succeeds on her third try.

Mortified by the loss of Snow White, the dwarfs place her in a glass coffin and put her on a mountaintop and swear to guard her forever.

As fate would have it, a Prince is passing by. He falls in love with Snow White. He kisses the lovely corpse of Snow White, not pausing to think that necrophilia is a crime in those parts, and the Heroine comes back to life as the piece of poison apple becomes dislodged from her throat.

Snow White and the Prince marry and everybody lives happily ever after.

Well the idea for my Snowy Whyte came for a column I happened upon in the London Evening Standard which I was reading while consuming a pint of my favourite poison in a Windsor Pub. It was one of those tongue-in-cheek columns, which the English seem to do so well and the guy wrote, "...I was quietly reading `Snow White and the Seven Anoraks', when..."

Well, I though "...hell I wish I had thought of that! What a great title!" And so this story was born! Of course it had to be updated to suit the tastes of Nifty readers and so the fair Snow White became a young pretty boy named Snowy Whyte. The seven vertically challenged fellows became the modern outcast, the nerd and the geek or, as it is a British story, the Anorak.

The neglectful father, the King, becomes Dr Whyte and the stepmother is Chrysanthemum Whyte, a nasty bit of work. The Reverend Prim is Snowy's friend and saviour; the huntsman is Percy Pratt, a bumbling idiot who has a taste for boys, especially his own sons. The prince is a handsome national health paediatrician -- well I suppose I could have made him Wills or Harry but everyone had done that to death.

Parody

Readers not familiar with the obscure twists and turns of British humour have struggled to come to terms with what I was trying to do in this story.

One kind reader got my intention straight away and wrote: "Snowy is clearly a distant cousin of Brian in Monty Python's Life of Brian." Very flattering! I hope my story come close to the high silliness in Monty Python.

It is easy to see why people were offended by the film Monty Python's Life of Brian in which the Python's focus isn't on Jesus Himself, but Brian of Nazareth, an ordinary bloke who just happened to be born a few blocks away from Jesus. One day people just start following him for no apparent reason. They hailed as the Messiah, even though he insists he is not and he ends up on the cross singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."

In the same way that as Brian is not Jesus, so Snowy Whyte is not Snow White, but he kind of gets caught up in the famous fairy tale anyway.

If I had any doubt about what I was going to do with this story my mind was made up when I came across the following questions in a school teachers guide:

• What do traditional fairy tales teach children about proper gender roles?
• How are cultural outsiders and misfits represented in fairy tales?

Hell, the temptation was too much! What will that pompous, self-righteous, schoolmistress make of this snow white? Snowy Whyte is a parody intended to give offence to overly analytical schoolmistresses. Snowy Whyte trys to poke fun at of some of the more explosive issues of our time (sex, racism, politics, paedophilia, incest, perversion and the British police.)

Snowy Whyte and the Seven Anoraks is also a wank-story story that pokes fun at itself - a parody. I thought to myself -- "what if the Pythons' had given their radical treatment to a Nifty Wank-story? Parody is a genre that is deceptively difficult to do well, but when it's done right, it's very successful. The Mel Brooks' films Young Frankenstein and The Producers are among my favourite examples of this medium.

Camp

Snowy Whyte is also an example of High Camp. High Camp depends on over-the-top behaviour and situations. Camp is something so outrageous, so ridiculous, and in such flamboyant bad taste, that it is funny.

Camp refers to an ironic appreciation of things that might otherwise be considered corny, such as Carmen Miranda's tutti-frutti hats; T.V. shows like Batman; 1950s furniture designs; 1960s fashion on cross-dressers.

If parody is difficult, good Camp is hell to write, because it has to over-the-top without actually pissing-off or grossing-out the reader completely. Believe me, that takes a lot of doing -- I am sure I got that balance wrong -- as a few offended e-mails have confirmed - but with any luck you will find Snowy Whyte as "camp as a row of pink army tents."

The musical-within-a-movie in The Producers, called "Springtime for Hitler" is an example of Camp. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a brilliant combination of High Camp and parody, and a musical on top of it!

Pastiche

Snowy Whyte is also a pastiche is an architectural, literary, dramatic, or musical piece, which openly imitates previous works of other artists, often with satirical intent. That is you steel ideas or styles from others and mix them up to achieve a comic effect. Perhaps the most well known recent example of pastiche is the Dreamworks' animated feature film Shrek.

Shrek is a fractured fairytale and Jeffrey Katzenberg's fart in the general direction of his former employer, Michael Eisner of Disney Studios. But Shrek is also a highly entertaining pastiche. It is a film patchwork of a road movie; a Looney Tunes cartoon; several South Park fart jokes; an Action Film; a Buddy Film; a romance; an animal film; and conventional fairy tale read while tripping on LSD.

In writing Snowy Whyte I have also happily stolen ideas, characters and situations from fairy tales and other literature -- Dickens, Shakespeare and Lewis Carroll have all suffered in the process.

Into the Woods

Another source of inspiration is the Sondheim/ Lapine musical - Into the Woods, which blends various familiar fairy tales. In this rather sinister "quest fairy-tale musical," the main characters are each seeking something: Jack is seeking a friend; Cinderella wants someone to love her; the Princes are looking for brides; and the Baker and his Wife want a child. Each character has to venture into the threatening, scary and perilous woods to attain happiness. On the way the characters have a riotous capacity for getting enmeshed in someone else's story.

Fortunately Snowy Whyte is not nearly this dark, but my characters do have a heck of away of getting entangled in each other's stories.

What is a pantomime Dame?

Finally a word about that other great source of inspiration - the British Pantomime. Every Christmas the British flock to laugh at the same old jokes; to see the same old story acted out by TV stars; and revel in a mixture of nostalgia and High Camp.

A key component in this is the Pantomime Dame. This is usually the hero's mother, such as Widow Twankey in Aladdin or Dame Trott in Jack and the Beanstalk. The Dame was a creation that emerged from the early Music Halls of the Victorian era. The public warmed to seeing their male favourite comedian playing the role of Jack's mother, or the King's cook and bottle washer. In Snowy Whyte Bert Goldblatt is an out of work actor and former Pantomime Dame.

*****

The Complete Cast of Snowy Whyte.

MALE

THE ANORAKS:

THE HERO:

THE CHOIRBOYS:

Damien Smyke (16)

Peter Pratt (8)

Cedric Snotfinkel

Jock Pringle (13)

Dee Tweedle (10)

Dumm Tweedle (10)

Jack Jerker (14)

Billy Bunion (14)

Fred Marley (15)

Dick Flaunting-Flasher (16)

THE SCOUTS

Bill Bailey (15)

Badger Banker (16)

Biff Beaver (13)

Bahir Baksheesh (14)

Buck Bookmaker

Benjamin Butcher (13)

THE CUB SCOUTS

Hathi (10) The Punctual Cub with most regular attendance.

Jeebi (10) The Fattest Cub.

Kim (10) The Helpful Cub.

Ko (9) The Noisiest Cub

Onaway (10) The Most Alert Cub

Mowgli (9) The Friend to Animals

Suggeema (8) The Smallest Cub

Tall Pine (11) The Tallest Cub.

THE OTHER YOUNGSTERS

Pip Pratt (5)

Patrick Pratt (12)

Jon Bobbin (former friend of Dick)

John Miller (13)

Paul Miller (12)

George Miller (10)

Ringo Miller (4)

Gill Boffin (From hospital)

"Chicken" Vindaloo (13)

Dudley Duckpond-Waddle (15)

Egbert H Dumpty (12)

THE PILGRIMS

The University Rugby Club

Mr Geoff Chaucer (the coach)

Mr Goliath Churchill Guppy

Mr Dylan Thomas Ffestiniog (the winger)

Mr Snowdon Knight (the University linesman)

Mr Edgar Summoner (the Captain)

Mr Sam Reeve

The Llanelli Louts

Mr Garrith Jones

Mr Dyfed Jenkins

Mr Dyfed Jones

Mr Emrys Jenkins

Mr Emrys Jones

Mr Roland Jenkins

Mr Llew Jones

Mr Llew Jenkins

Mr Huw Jones

Mr Huw Jenkins

Mr Jasper Jones

Mr Ffestiniog Jenkins

Mr Eluned Jones

Mr Dai Jones

Mr Dai Jenkins

Mr Dai Jenkins (a reserve)

Other rugby teams

The Shagging Sluggers

Mr Noah Miller

The Bowels Rugger Buggers

DONORS OF LABORATORY SPECIMENS

Mr Jack Tosspot (22)

Mr Boots Stryker (18)

Hon. Harry Hyde-Basset (15)

Hon. Horatio Hyde-Basset(14)

THE OTHER ADULTS

Reverend Prim, Vicar of St Giles

Mr Percy Pratt, grounds man

Regimental Sergeant-Major Flaunting-Flasher

Dr. Adonis Prince

Mr Jack Snotfinkel

Mr Bert Goldblatt (a.k.a. Madame Zelda)

Mr Willy Bobbin, bank clerk

The Rt. Reverend Bunny Bogtrotter, the Bishop of Blackball

DC Codger Crumblebum, Police spokesman,

Reverend Babosanjo, his young Nigerian

Detective Inspector Wolf Orlick-Cracklepot

Mr Duffer Duckpond-Waddle

Ulysses Rumpcoitus (Scout Troop leader) (23)

FEMALE

THE YOUNGSTERS

Priscilla Whyte

Petal Bonne-Bouche

Oleander Oddball

THE ADULTS

Mrs Chrysanthemum Whyte (Prof Von Scheissenhoffen)

Mrs Rose Snotfinkel

Mrs Poppy Baker

Mrs Tweedle

Miss Hyacinth Snodgrass, (the social worker)

Lady Beth, (tea-room proprietor)

Ms Lobilia Lobotomy

Prudence Peeking, (reporter on the Windsor Witness)

Mrs Philodendron Duckpond-Waddle

*****

The Final Table of Contents.

Why do the numbers keep changing?

Well this is embarrassing, I did not do a great job with this, my first venture into html and so some files were just too big for some readers to download and enjoy. These files had to get hacked about a bit. However its pretty stable now only a bit of reediting might cause re-posting of existing file numbers at a later stage but numbers stay as they have been shown below.

The final table of content:

*****

Sexual Content by Chapter.

This section features sexual activity involving

What is a Wank? British English for Beginners.

Churchill's frequently quoted view that the English and the Americans are two nations divided by a common language is very nearly as true today as it was when he said it. While the Internet is bridging the gap (why you even find the word "wank" cropping up in American stories these days) the gap between the language used is parts of Britain itself remains as much a divide as ever.

So what is a wank? Here are a few of the more commonly used unfamiliar terms to get American readers started in your exploration of this foreign language.

Wank:

Verb. To masturbate. Also phrased as wank off.
Noun. 1. An act of masturbation.
2. Rubbish, useless, nonsense. E.g."I wish I hadn't brought that new CD, it's wank!"

Wanker:

Noun. 1. A masturbator.
2. A contemptible person.

Wank mag:

Noun. A pornographic magazine.

Toss:

Noun. An act of masturbation.
Verb. To masturbate.

Adj. E.g."I'm not doing the tossing washing up, it's your turn!"

Tosser or Toss-pot:

Noun. An idiot, a despicable person.

Toss off:

Verb. To masturbate. Term applied to males only.

Some web address might be helpful if you need to look some of the more obscure English slang words used in this story.

http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/

http://www.effingpot.com/slang.html

http://www.roadie.net/britlist.htm

http://www.lexscripta.com/desktop/dictionaries/slang.html#uk

http://www.peak.org/~jeremy/dictionary/dict.html

Cockneys, the natives of East London, are famous for two things - their rhyming slang, and for the TV soap-opera Eastenders.

Americas are sometimes of the opinion that Eastenders still go around communicating in rhyming slang -- sometimes I think it might be easier if they did. Here is some help with the ancient tribal lingo.

http://www.aldertons.com/english-.htm

The Tribes of Britain and their Languages.

For such a small area, the United Kingdom harbours many regional stereotypes. Some of the prejudices about people from certain regions, are exclusively held by persons from neighbouring towns and cities, while others span the length and breadth of the nation. Some of these prejudices are:

• Scotch people are mean
• Scousers (residents of Liverpool) all "nick stuff" (steel)
• The Welsh fuck their sheep
• Glasgow is for drinking and fighting.
• Brummies (a resident of Birmingham) are "thick". (stupid)
• People from Leicester are all related (when they invite you back to meet their wife and their sister you only meet one person).
• Cockneys will dupe you out of your money.
• Mancunians (residents of Manchester) are all gangsters.
• People from East Anglia are illiterate (I can't read and I can't write, but I can drive a tractor)
• A Geordie (resident of Newcastle-upon-Tyne) is a Scotsman with his brains beaten out.

There is something tribal about these regional attitudes, and nothing defines and identifies a regional stereotype as much as the language used by an inhabitant.

A Scots accent distinguishes him with in seconds; when a Brummie opens his mouth you can identify him; and just about nobody understand a Geordie but they can all tell where he comes from!

What do these dialects of accents sound like? Well here is and example - A resident of Birmingham is known and a Brummie. Brummies speak Brummie not English - example:

Interviewer: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
Brummie speaker: You can't pee in a buffalo!

The Great North/South Divide and Language

Britain is divided into a North and a South. Broadly speaking, the people of the north are perceived by their southern cousins as being uncivilised, while the people of the north view southerners as being soft, perhaps decadent pansies.

There is also an economic divide between North and South, with the south (particularly around London), being perceived as rich, and the north, especially in areas where the local economy relies heavily on primary and secondary industry (acquisition of raw materials, manufacturing, etc), as being poor.

The puzzling thing about the great north/south divide is that nobody really knows exactly where the divide is supposed to be. The Midlands may be a logical place to draw the line, but others will tell you that The Watford Gap is the divide.

The way that you can tell you are in the north is from the voices. Words sound different here. Thick northern accents fill the air north of Watford. Here you will find you are a 'duck', a 'dear', or worst of all a 'love'. The stigma of a regional accent follows the local like a black cloud. In Snowy Whyte I have tried to reproduce some of these regional differences -- this mean capturing accents on the page and I know this is not always easy to read. Sorry!

*****

VIP's (Very Important Penises.)

*****

Recommended Reading Matter.

`The Structure of the Male Chromosome' by Lon Yang

`The Male Reproductive Organ - an Illustrated Owner's Manual' by Dick Luvver (pseudonym for Lon Yang)

`Testosterone Levels; Sperm Count and DNA as Predictors of Sporting Performance,' by Lon Yang

`The Development of the Human Reproductive System OR Eroticism of Children and Adolescents' by Seymour Willies

'Big Tits & Hot Slits' Magazine

`Trains in Trouble' Magazine

`Windsor Witness' Newspaper

*****

Pubs, English Food and Information for Visiting Snowy Fans.

Snowy Whyte stops on the tourist routes in England

Several readers have written to complain that have made the pilgrimage from far flung corners of Wisconsin and Alberta, Canada and they have had trouble locating the places mentioned in Snowy Whyte.

Well there is a reason for this -- they are not easy to find. You will be well advised to study your Harry Potter books before leaving home, particularly the sections dealing with access to Diagon Alley and platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross Station. Please be careful when attempting to follow the instruction and there has been a dramatic increase in the number of visitors rushing at the wrong solid brick wall that separate platform 9 from platform 10 at the famous London station.

You are also advised not to follow the time-honoured advice of asking a British policeman if you are unsure of where you are or where you need to get too. Two unhappy Snowy fans from Alice Springs, Australia asked a Bobby on the beat for directions to the broom cupboard in St Giles Parish Church. When they added: "You know mate, the one with all them dinkum cum stains on the wall..." this got them and very a dirty look indeed and they were told to move along!

Snowy fans could try to look up the following spots off the known tourist routes:

In Windsor:

Codswollop Clinic, on Lower Codswollop Lane, Windsor

St Giles Parish Church in Windsor (private visits to the broom cupboard and viewing of The Vicar personal collation of holy relics by appointment only)

"Once-upon-a-Time" formally known as Columbine Cottage at Columbine Dell

The Mens' Lavatory on the parade.

New Windsor University research laboratory of Sports Medicine

Whyte Hall (open to visitors by invitation only -- Viewing of the Gainsborough portrait of the Whyte Boy is open to the public once a year on the 30^th February.)

Peak district

"The Woods" the Church camping ground at Hobbit Hill, Peak District

`Bare Breast & Bottom Barracks' adjoining "The Woods" at Hobbit Hill, Peak District

Recommended Pubs and Restaurants

"Thunder Lightning & Rain" on Heath Street, Windsor.

The Punjab Lancer, Bradford.

"The Admiral's Bum Boy", Windsor.

"The Hill", Windsor.

"The Shagging Shepherd"

"The Buggared Ploughman"

"Red Cock Inn" (try the Old Toejam and the Old Scotsman's sporran)

"Peggotty's Hotel", Shallow Bowels

"The Scribe's Scrotum"

"The Drunken Druid"

Mrs Bakers recommended choices from New Earth Cuisine:

`Bog Creature Chowder'

`Hubble Bubble Stew'

`Slug and lettuce Salad'

`Chocolate Bat-Dropping Pie'

`Lemon Frog's-Spawn Tart'

`Scones with cream and newt-egg jam'

`Dogfish in a frog liver sauce'

`Sheep's brains and Mars Bar stew'

`Raspberry and oxblood ripple ice cream surprise'

`Pig's bladder curry'

`Prune and pickled onion trifle'

While these delicacies might seem very revolting to the non-English palate, they are infinitely better than "normal" English cooking.

*****

Which Anorak. Anoraks for Anoraks.

A blissfully ignorant American reader wrote to tell me that for years now he has glossed over the word "Anorak" as it's popped up in articles such as: "We sat waiting with the other anoraks for the autographs to start."

Even my dictionary quotation at the beginning of each chapter, which tells him that it is a heavy jacket with a hood or a parka, and that it comes from the Inuit word, doesn't shine the dimmest light on how this term got associated with trainspotters or rabid fans of Doctor Who.

The connection to the item of clothing stems from the original anoraks, who where fans of pirate radio stations on the North Sea. This group wore anoraks to protect them from the elements. Gradually trainspotters, considered by many to be the ultimate obsessive and anoraky form of fan, also took to wearing anoraks because they too spend a lot of time outside. This cliche then got extrapolated to Anoraks of any description, including Star Trek fans.

It's amazing how many people wear Anoraks. If you go to the right places you can suddenly see legions of them. They are popular for warmth and personal comfort and as Snowy will tell you -- a good Anorak will last you thirty years!

Which Anorak?

So, what do you pack to go on holiday this year? Which Anorak do you take with you? A hard question indeed. If you are intending to holiday in the UK the answer is obvious -- you need all of them.

The anorak is basically a waterproof jacket with a hood. There are many styles of anoraks with various features that make it efficient:

• The anorak must be waterproof.
• The ventilation is important - body warmth can cause condensation on the inside of your anorak. If you perspire heavily it is a good idea to own an anorak that opens completely at the front.
• Elastic wristbands or Velcro cuffs on the sleeves keep wind and rain out.
• A hood with draw-cords
• A zipper that closes to your chin.
• Large pockets with snapping closures to hold a map or a railway guide.
• A flap over the front zipper that snaps closed to help prevent the rain from entering.
• Zippered pockets
• Waist and bottom drawstrings

Our Anoraks choice of Anoraks:

*****

How to Distinguish Anoraks from Geeks and Nerds?

Anoraks

What do the British mean when they call somebody an "anorak"? An "anorak" is, of course, a type of deeply unfashionable, warm, winter-coat, which we have described above. When it is used to label a person, however, it is a term of mild abuse directed almost exclusively at men. In Britain, men who do not have interesting lives have hobbies like plane spotting. Such men are usually obsessively interested in an obscure subject and/or activity such as football statistics or quantum physics - the archetypal one being train-spotting. Such activities often require the sad looking participant to get up early on cold, wet mornings and spend hours out of doors in the rain while they doing not much but tick off the numbers of trains as they go past. Hence, such people often wear anorak because they are (a) cheap (b) practical (c) have lots of pockets for flasks, notebooks, pencils, other pencils etc. This is their chosen outer-garment, whatever the weather, and they always still live with their mothers.

The epithet has been applied to them because of the clothes they wear when pursuing their supposedly pointless hobby, by people who enjoy handing out such abuse, and feel much secure in crowds of semi-drunk hooligans, who all wear identical multi-coloured scarves while watching overpaid prima donnas trying to propel a ball between two posts.

An "Anorak" is someone who is either very knowledgeable about, or interested in, a given subject. They are technical experts who can tell you when each episode of Star Trek was originally broadcast, or they can quote 'Red Dwarf' scripts verbatim, or they know all the boring stuff about how computers work. Knowledge for knowledge's sake!

Whatever their chosen obsession, this is the only thing that they talk about. This is very boring if you are not another expert on the same subject.

Anorak men are so interested in their hobbies that they have no time to find girlfriends or boyfriends. This is good, because nobody would want to be the girlfriend or boyfriends of an Anorak.

"Normal" people often regard obsessive participation in such activities into later life with derision, whereas it has actually been linked to a mild form of autism.

Anorak is a term that has been used since the 80's meaning a Geek or a Nerd. Over the last twenty or so years the term "anorak", reflecting the favourite, practical, weatherproof garb of "train-spotters" has become used to denote a person who is very interested in the trivia and unimportant details of their hobby and does not like to be sociable. An 'anorak' is always male, usually unfashionable and possibly a train-spotter.

The modern day train-spotter is an altogether more sophisticated creature, most likely to be found wearing a Polyester microfibre mountaineer's jacket which boasts excellent wicking properties, a waterproof laminate skin and big enough pockets for voice activated dictation machine and a pair of high quality German binoculars. However, the epithet still applies and if anything, is more appropriate than ever.

The word is now used in Britain for any kind of expert. If you want to give a British person detailed technical information, you should preface this information by saying: "I don't want to be an anorak, but....". Consequently, British people don't respect engineers and technical experts. They laugh at them. This is the major reason why British cars are so bad.

Nerds

Nerds are an essential part in American films about college life. They are boys, usually wearing thick glasses and/or overweight, who don't play sport and who have zero sex-appeal. Often they help the (attractive, sporty) hero and heroine to beat the bad guys and to fall in love.

We tend to think of nerds as a product of the computer age. Yet we have always had geeks and nerds. Before the software industry existed, the term "bufty" meant a stereotypical middle-aged gentleman who knows everything there is to know about bicycle gears.

Mr. B Gates is a classic nerd - just look at his glasses! He was notorious for his unwashed hair and for having "virtual dates" (he and another would go to the same dinner and movie in DIFFERENT CITIES, then discuss this over email). The Microsoft Windows inventor has been described as having several autistic-type traits such as lack of eye contact, poor social skills, a monotonous expressionless voice, a prodigious memory, attention to detail and a tendency to rock backwards and forwards during meetings. He is has a pudding bowl haircut and wears nylon shirts.

However, Mr. B Gates and many other nerds are multi-millionaires today and thus unlike Anoraks, nerds are good people to marry. Now, Mr B Gates has an attractive wife (also a nerd), gives billions to charity and has built a mansion the envy of the world. Gates used to be a geek, now he is a nerd. Ralph Nader is, and remains a geek, while Al Gore is a nerd.

Consequently, "Nerd" is no longer really an insult.

Geeks

Is often mistakenly thought to be similar to a nerd. However the experts believe: "If you're a nerd, you can grow out of it, but if you're a geek, you're a geek all your life"

Nerds are essentially immature, with unformed, high school personalities. Geeks on the other hand, have finished their character development, but failed to reach normal human standards. They can therefore only communicate effectively with machines.

For example, the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein, who designed and made a sewing machine at the age of 10, was friendless and teased by his fellow students.

In American slang an "Anorak" would be properly known as a "Geek" rather than a "Nerd". In short, a Nerd is an Anorak with some social skills!

Laugh if you will, but remember: the Anorak, the Geek and the Nerd shall inherit the Earth... and shall live long and prosper!

*****

It's all Geek to me - Anorak-speak for Beginners.

ANORAK - a geek or nerd with obsessive interest in train-spotting, bus-spotting, plane-spotting etc; usually wears an anorak (quilted waterproof coat) and carries a notebook, pencil and sometimes a camcorder. Usage: "Phil's a real anorak - he knows every Star Trek episode by heart!"

AERO-ANORAK - a plane spotter or an aeroplane-enthusiast; carries a notebook, flight timetable, shortwave radio, Janes Defence Weekly, Thermos flask and camcorder. Congregates within view of airport runways in all weather until removed by airport security. Such Anoraks are often arrested and charged with spying while on foreign holidays.

ANORAK-A-BOO - The meercat-like behaviour of engineers' heads popping up from their cubicle walls to see what's happening outside. This is generally triggered by a technical crisis.

ANORAK ACTIVISM - FULL METAL ANORAK - Today anorakdom, like some mysterious crotch-itching, is experiencing a violent resurgence. We live in momentous anorak-times. The vice-like grip of whining anoraks on the Internet is as strong as it ever was. Gandalf, Anakin Skywalker and Harry Potter are happily pelting Titanic's Jack Dawson with ice cubes and taunting him a life-jacket and flares. Anoraks are becoming militant -- you have been warned!

ANORAK-ARSENAL - an anorak carrying the following 'weapons' is able to clear the immediate area of non-anoraks in under a minute. The weapons in the Anorak Arsenal includes the deadly Star Trek Mug (the non-spill version); the ominous ancient line-printer printout; a sinister programming stencil; or the lethal train-spotter's notebook.

ANORAK BOAT PEOPLE - Back in the mid-60s, illegal pirate radio stations came to the UK, transmitted from boats moored just outside British territorial waters. They played non-stop pop music presented by "personality" DJs and were a revelation to a young radio audience used to the very dull BBC radio. The pirates became massively popular and spawned their own fans, who would take trips out to sea just to get up close to the pirate ships and take endless pictures. Most of the pirate vessels were in the notoriously rough and stormy North Sea and when the fans took their trips out to sea, they inevitably wore anoraks to keep vaguely dry and warm. The DJs eventually came to dread these unsolicited invasions by fans clad in identical anoraks all asking very involved questions about technology or other esoteric broadcasting issues.

ANORAK-DAYLIGHT SAVING - the custom of Anoraks only talking to fellow Anoraks and not wasting valuable energy talking to non-Anoraks who haven't got a clue what they're on about.

ANORAK-ENVIROMENT -- This refers to the natural habitat of the Anorak and more specifically the area around an Anorak's computer.

(a) The Anorak-Environment contains all the necessities of life: fluffy stick-on bugs, Dilbert cartoons, a dead pot plant and a week's worth of paper cups from coffee machine.

(b) Sometimes refers to the flora and fauna living in an anorak-environment e.g. fungal growths in old coffee cups, crickets in the dead pot plant. In some cases, the fauna which actually lives on the Anorak himself.

ANORAK-FRIENDLY -- A person, location or profession amenable to Anoraks.

ANORAK LININGS AND BELLY FLUFF - In times past natural materials would decay and be absorbed back into the earth. Now mankind uses more and more natural products but does not allow them to rot i.e. duvets (duck and goose feathers), anorak linings, woollen carpets, etc. There is therefore a build-up of natural products which man has treated so they cannot rot or decay. Eventual this excess of natural products in the world causes mankind to suffer from reactions such as allergies, asthma, etc. Anoraks interested in this matter will tell you this also accounts for the growth of belly button fluff

ANORAK-ONOMICS - The link between Anorakism and pay:

(a) Anoraks are able to command high salaries because they are the only ones who know how the purchase order database works and

(b) Anoraks will upgrade the purchase order database without requiring to be paid overtime if this provides him with the vicarious thrill of using COBOL on an obsolete operating system. This will be done regardless of the financial leverage of (a) above.

ANORAK-ONOMY - A sector of the market identified by marketing professionals in the same way as they identified yuppies, the pink dollar, etc. Specific items are aimed at the anorak market e.g. life-size cardboard cut outs of Star Wars characters and teach "Yourself Klingon" language tapes.

ANORAKNOPHOBIA -- Anoraks are by nature afraid Of Sunlight

ANORAKOLOGICAL DISASTER - Finding out that you are the only non-Anorak in a room full of Anoraks.

ANORAKOLOGY - The study of Anoraks or more accurately the study of avoiding them.

ANORAK-PEDANTRY - An Anorak possessed by this extreme form of pedantry, will not only correct spelling and punctuation but will explain these corrections by examples from the classics - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Monty Python or Viz magazine. Latin puns may also be liberally applied.

ANORAK-PRIDE-PARADE - Any array of Anoraks with varying nerdish-afflictions and social tics.

ANORAK-RADAR - the peculiar ability of anoraks to locate like-minded Note: geeks, nerds and anoraks are peculiarly susceptible to the gravitational pull exerted by science fiction conventions, railway stations or rare migratory birds.

ANORAK-REPRODUCTION - Anoraks do not usually reproduce. However, they do wish to leave something of themselves for the next generation. This is normally "the killer application program" or the "ultimate register of train numbers passing through Leeds Central Station". As soon as human cloning (the human equivalent of a "backup" or "archive") is perfected, he will be able to extend his lifetime's work indefinitely.

ANORAK RESTAURANT - A place where Anoraks eat and drink. This is generally the office drinks machine or the candy machine on platform seven.

ANORAK-SPEAK - The complexity of Inter-Anorak communication is an odd mixture of arcane acronyms (NYNA, TCTN, Y2K) and obscure references obscure science fiction TV series. The true Anorak will know the name of Captain Picard's fish (Livingstone) and Data's cat (Spot) and will use this material to distance himself from non-Anoraks. The well-educated Anorak communicates in Fortran, RPG or straight binary.

ANORAK-SPEED - The Anorak mind operates within its own space-time continuum, which is in complete dissonance with that occupied by lesser mortals. Thus an Anorak on foot will travel at speeds far in excess of normal pedestrians and may even attempt to walk through other people or objects in order to reach a destination. Alternatively, an Anorak in a motor vehicle sees the conventional world flashing past at an uncomfortably high speed, and will drive at twenty miles an hour slower than the posted speed. In extreme cases an Anorak's vehicle may actually be travelling backwards!

ANORAK WORKDAY - The five days Monday to Friday during which an Anorak gets paid for doing what comes naturally (coding, debugging...)

ANORAK WEEKEND - The two days, Saturday and Sunday, when a anorak either gets paid double for doing what comes naturally (coding, debugging...) OR he does it at home for his own amusement and to prove that "it can be done".

BACK END OF THE BATMOBILE -- The Anorak, who wishes to live it up, orders a take out from the local Indian Take-Away restaurant and consumes it at his PC. This term refers to the condition of his anus soon after a really hot curry. Usage: "I ordered a Ring Stinger from the Benghazi last night, and now my arse feels like the back end of the Batmobile."

BIKER -- An Anorak with wheels! An Anorak with a special interest in bicycle gearing ratios; often wears tank-top knitted by a relative and always carries a thermos flask.

BIRD-TABLING -- A software engineering habit of congregating around buffet leftovers from somebody else's meeting before the caterers clear it away. A valuable and economical contribution to the Anorak diet, freeing up valuable resources for the purchase of the latest compiler upgrade. Usage: "Bird-table outside meeting room five!"

BLUE-VEINED HOOLIGAN -- The way an Anorak refers to his one-eyed skinhead.

BURGER - Reputedly a nourishing item eaten by Anoraks while in front of the computer playing a Star Wars-type game. (Often purchased from McAnoraks)

FLOGGING ON -- An Anorak surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

FREE THE TADPOLES -- Anorak euphemism for liberating the residents of his testicles.

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT -- An Anorak engaged in a vigorous masturbation session.

STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT -- Anorak slang for a homosexual.

STEALTH ANORAK - An Anorak who studies other anoraks.

STEAM-ANORAK - a traction-engine enthusiast who frequents steam rallies, traction-engine rallies. He often rebuilds traction engines and other steam-driven mechanisms and he always has a magnificent collection of photos of steam-driven trucks and threshing machines.

TEN-PINTER -- An anorak who is so unattractive that you would only chat him or her up after drinking at least 10 pints.

TERMINAL CASE -- An anorak from the days when dumb computer terminals were all connected to a main frame.

TODGER DODGER -- Anorak term for a lesbian -- usually applied to any woman who rejects an approach from him with and invitation to come up and see his hard drive

TRAINSPOTTER - A trainspotter or a railway-enthusiast nerd; carries a notebook, railway timetable and map, Thermos flask, camcorder, and stands on railway platforms in all weathers. Cedric Snotfinkel is a trainspotter. He has a one-track mind and a simple mission - to spot every train in England.

TREKKIES - Star Trek fans are called "Trekkies" not "Star Trek nerds". You have been warned.

TWITCHER - A bird spotter who likes to note down every species he has spotted and who will drop everything and travel 200 miles because a Lesser Spotted Splodget (only reported twice in the country) has been seen in some inhospitable part of Scotland. Like the birds that they watch, twitchers are often found in flocks.

WANK SEANCE -- Disturbing psychotic episode suffered by anoraks. During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that he is being watched with disgust by his dead relatives.

WAGON-SPOTTER - A trainspotter who collects carriage numbers and goods-wagon numbers. He is often looked down upon by other Trainspotters.

WILLY WATCHER -- AN Anorak with and obsessive desire to look at other men's penises. Can be found in men's lavatories and often displays Peek-a-boo behaviour popping his head up over the wall of the closet to catch a peek at a nice willy! It is thought that Killroy was the originator of this hobby.

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