Date: Sun, 2 Jun 2013 11:16:31 +1200 From: bob charles Subject: Washed Up (Gay / Young friends) chapter 5 Washed Up. Disclaimer: Warning: this story contains sexual content, contact between young boys, and other themes that may offend. If the subject matter offends you, is not to your tastes, or if you are under legal age for your area, then find something else to read. In the following story all names and events are completely fictional. Although I may mention a specific location, place, or person any resemblance to said people, location, or places is completely unintentional. Chapter 5: I slowly wake feeling really drowsy and washed out. I sluggishly become aware that the car seems to be doing a lot of accelerating and breaking. Every now and then we also seem to turn a corner. I come back to reality and look out of the car window. We seem to be driving through an urban sprawl. There are lots of old weatherboard state houses in various states of decay, or repair. The whole area we are going through looks uninviting. It is the sort of place that you wouldn't feel safe if you were going out at night. We have to be in South Auckland, as there is nowhere else that I know of that is like this. We seem to drive through the sprawl of houses for ages. Nothing much changes scenery wise during the journey. Occasionally we will pass a small line of shops. They look as uninviting as the rest of the area. The shops which are closed all have corrugated iron shutters over the doors and windows, to try to prevent burglars from breaking in. The whole place really doesn't have a safe feel about it. I am really starting to wonder why mum has gone this way. Surely this isn't where we are going, well at least I hope like hell that it isn't. Mum still hasn't told us where we are going. She hasn't told us anything. Mum indicates to make a left turn, and then she slows down. We turn the corner and the answer to my question is about halfway down the block. "Shit! No mum, no. Please mum, don't do it. I'm begging you please don't!" I yell. Then I burst out crying. My life is about to get a whole lot worse. ************ My whole demeanour goes out the window. I am totally shattered, and so I hold my head in my hands and cry. It really is the worst thing that mum can do me. She doesn't listen to me at all. In fact she totally ignores my pleads. I feel and arm wrap around me, it is Callum, as I have woken him up with my shouting. He has a petrified look on his face, as he realises what is happening. I'm not sure why, as he has nothing to be worried about, but it means that his peace is going to be shattered. He knows what is going to happen, and so do I. This is going to be an absolute nightmare. Standing halfway down the street is my 16 year old sister, Sarah. She is relatively tall for a girl standing at 5'9", and she weighs about 56 kg. If it wasn't for the fact that I am gay, and that she is my sister, then I would have to say that she looked sexy. She has a slim build with nice perky boobs, and a tight round ass. She has on tight blue denim jeans, and a dull yellow low cut top, which accentuates her cleavage perfectly. Due to being an inside person she only has a pale tan, not the golden tan that Callum and I have. Her long straight dirty blonde hair stretches all the way down to her waist. Her face is long and thin, with a log thin nose poking out from it. The distinguishing thing about her nose is the way that it comes to a sharp point, almost like a witch. She has brown eyes, which has come from her father's genes, as everyone else has blue eyes. Her lips are thin and red, and covered in lipstick. She loves to coat her face with makeup like most teenage girls like to do. "Fuck sake, for once in your fucking life could you do something that is good for me." I sob as a last ditch effort to persuade mum not to pick up my evil bitch of a sister. Again she just ignores me, and starts to slow the car. My sister seems to be a little anxious and impatient about something, as mum pulls up to the curb beside her. She throws open the door and throws her bag in the foot well. She follows her bag as she jumps into the car and into the front passenger's seat. "Go, go, go!" Sarah yells as she slams her door shut. There is a lot of urgency in her voice, making me think that she is trying to run from something. Mum plants her foot on the accelerator and takes off. The cars tyres are squealing from the sudden acceleration, and we leave behind a trail of thick blue smoke and the distinctive smell of burning rubber. Even though I am still bawling my eyes out, I am confused as to why my sister is in such a rush. I see the reason shortly after, when I see the big manly frame of our grandmother running out onto the street. She really does look like a man, and if it wasn't for the grey ponytail she has then you really wouldn't be able to tell. She has a big ugly face, which has lots of gross looking boils and scabs all over it. Her eyes are blue, but have an evil look about them. She also has a big red nose, which also has a couple of boils on it. She really does look like an ogre, and acts like one too. If you don't believe me then you obviously haven't met her. "Thank you for saving me, mum. I really couldn't stand to be around that bitch any longer, as she really is evil I tell you... Oh and hello Callum, you've grown since the last time I saw you." Sarah says to mum and my little brother, who is still holding onto me for dear life. My sister unsurprisingly totally ignores the fact that I even existed. Mum is driving normally now that we have escaped grandma. We are again driving through the urban sprawl of South Auckland. She is trying to find her way back to the motorway. I'm not sure that she really knows where she was going, but she manages to find her way to the onramp back onto the motorway. Sarah is starting to sniff around, and then screws her nose up. "Have you pissed your pants you little baby?" Sarah says and looks directly at me. I am too emotionally unstable for her to start up on me. Callum has sensed this, and scoots back across to his seat. I see him out of the corner of my eye, covering his ears. He knows how this is going to go. I feel sorry for him, but am too emotionally charged to stop myself, and take the bite, hook, line and sinker. "Get fucked you little slut. You have no fucking idea about what you are talking about." I say to her, absolutely seething at the fact that she is in the car. I am still in tears which I know is going to make things worse for me, but I can't stop them due to how upset with mum I am. Why the fuck did she have to pick my sister up? She knows how much we hate each other. "You did, didn't you? You pissed your pants you fucking little cry baby." Sarah says back. She isn't going to let this slide, but she knows nothing about what had happened. Mum tries to warn her to stop but Sarah doesn't hear her and I bite even further. "Can't you just fuck off and stop trying to ruin my life, you fucking slag?" I retort back. She gives me the most venomous look after I say that. Callum is now trying to hug his knees whist still covering his ears. He is backed right up into the corner of the car, and starting to shake. The poor boy has witnessed too many fights in his short life, but I am too pissed off to stop myself. Sarah isn't any better. "I'm ruining your life? You useless piece of shit, you have already ruined my life. If you hadn't pissed the bed then dad would still be with us, and I would be happy." She snarls at me. Oh fuck, she has pushed me too far now. I really take offense to that comment and I can feel something inside my head snap, meaning I really can't control what comes out my mouth now. "Shut the fuck up sis, unless you know what the fuck you're talking about. You have no fucking clue what really happened, so fuck you, you fucking retarded bitch!" I scream at my sister. I still have tears running down my cheeks, but I am not crying as much at the moment. Both my sister's and my faces are red with anger. We are fuming at each other. Mum makes several attempts to get my sister to stop, but neither of us hear her. Mum is starting to get pissed off with Sarah because she already knows how this is going to turn out, and it isn't going to be pretty. "I know exactly what happened you little shit. Dad went to check up on you and saw that you had wet the bed. So he lost it, and beat you to a pulp like you deserved, you fucking little baby." Sarah spat out at me. This is exactly why we haven't talked much for a while. It is too much for me and I break down again. I start crying uncontrollably, and my adrenalin filled body is starting to shake uncontrollably. "Fuck you, you bitch. You have no idea what that piece of shit father of yours did to me." I howl. I am still yelling as much as I can, but my crying has really taken control of me again. My body is also really shaking uncontrollably again. It isn't just through the adrenalin fuelled anger that I am feeling, but also because I am reliving the horrors of that night in vivid detail. Callum is looking really scared. He is scared about what is going to happen to me, as he doesn't know what our sister is like. He is expecting her to snap and lay into me like dad would. Despite his best efforts to block out our argument he can still hear every word that is said. He really wishes that he had ear plugs to go along with his hands, because maybe then he won't be able to hear all the yelling which has caused him so much pain in his life. Almost every time that he hears yelling someone seems to get hurt, and that someone always seems to be me. "Whatever he did to you, you obviously deserved it you fucking retard. If you weren't born then we would still be one happy family, and I would be the happiest." She snarls back. It hurt so much to hear that. I feel so small from the comment, as it really is the worst thing that she ever said. It is time that she knows just how fucking great her dad is. I cry even harder as a result of what's going through my head, and my body is shaking so bad that I know it's on the verge of shutting down on me. I ignore all the warning signs my body is giving me, as the adrenalin is still in control of me. I am seething with complete hatred too much to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. "Fuck you. I can't believe you would say such a horrible thing you fucking awful slag. Your fucking awesome dad... well... he... he fucking raped me...! he raped me... raped me." I blubber. I start reliving the nightmare all over again, like I have most nights after it happened. I feel numb, and my breathing has become very shallow. It is almost like I am not breathing at all. I am just staring into space, and everything around me becomes a blur. I just completely break down, and as a result my body goes into shock. My shaking ceases and I stop crying, but I'm barely conscious. "Mum, he's lying isn't he? Please tell me he is lying. It can't be true, it just can't be." Sarah says in hysterics to mum. Her voice is suddenly strained and full of disbelief. She really can't believe it. She doesn't want to believe it, as she has always been daddy's little girl so there is no way dad could have done such a thing. "Mum... um... I don't think you're going to like this, but Josh just wet himself." Callum says to mum in a quiet and timid voice. He is a little concerned as to how mum is going to react about it. Mum isn't mad with me, as she has been here before, which is part of the reason why I have never told anyone about what happened on that awful night. Mum pulls off the side of the motorway to see what she can do. "You just couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut could you? Thanks to you, your brother has gone back into shock. Yes he did get raped by your father. If I told you otherwise then I would be a liar, and I'm not going to do that just to keep you happy. He didn't tell you about what happened to him, because this is what happens. I didn't tell you because you would never have listened to me. Did you never think that it was strange, that up until that night he had never wet the bed before?" Mum snarls at Sarah. She isn't impressed at her one bit, as she has only just got into the car and already picked a massive fight. "Mum, what does raped mean?" Callum asks inquisitively. He really wants to understand what has happened to me. He has heard the word used in the news occasionally so knows that it is a really bad thing, but he doesn't know any more about it than that. The sweet boy has already scooted back across the car to try and comfort me, but I am still in a coma like state. "Callum I know that you really want to understand what happened to Josh. But for your sake I'm not going to tell you, as it will only upset and confuse you." Mum replies sympathetically to Callum. He looks disappointed but understands why mum won't tell him. He knows that it must be really bad then, so he isn't so sure that he wants to know anymore. "I'm sorry mum, but how else was I supposed to know when neither of you told me?" Sarah says. She is sobbing now, as she is actually feeling guilty for what she has said to me. It is a huge reality check for her as she has totally ignored a lot of the signs. Dad has never done anything bad to her which is why she never suspected anything. She really is dad's favourite child, so she has been spoilt rotten, all her life by him. Now she knows the truth, and it is starting to hit home in a big way. "It isn't just that, but did you really think that your brother had that many accidents. Did you never suspect that your father might have been beating him? You were so caught up in our own little world that you totally ignored what your dad was really doing. Josh suffered severely because of your father, and I let it happen." Mum tells Sarah and bursts out crying herself. The guilt that she is feeling is too overwhelming. So knows that she has let me down in a big way, as it is supposed to be her job to protect her kids, but she failed horribly with me. "Dad used to beat him too? How did I miss that? Did he ever hit Callum?" Sarah asks. She now starts to realise just how much she has ignored. She has always sort of wondered how I kept hurting myself so badly, when I never seem to do anything. It has never registered in her that dad might possibly be the reason, because when she had such thoughts she always ignored them. `Dad would never hurt us' is what she kept telling herself. "No, I never got hit. Josh made sure of that. He made sure dad beat him and not me." Callum says to his older sister with tears streaming from his eyes. He hates being reminded of that, as it brings back all the awful memories. Sarah has a relieved look on her face knowing that Callum has never been hurt by dad. Well he at least has never been physically hurt by dad, she is still unsure as to whether dad may have hurt him in other ways. She also finds a new sense of appreciation for what I did. For the first time in ages, Sarah is actually proud of me. "Well there isn't a lot I can do to clean Josh up, as he has already used the change of clothes which I had brought along for him, with his previous accident. I will have to stop at the Warehouse. Sarah, I will have to get you to run in and get some new clothes for him. It would probably pay to pick up some wet wipes as well." Mum said. She then pulls back onto the motorway and heads off towards the nearest store. I am completely oblivious as to what has happened. Let alone what is going on. I am reliving that terrible night over, and over again in my head. *** It happens on the night of April the 24th. I wake up to the sound of keys rattling at the door. I know it is dad, and that he is pissed as a fart. I always wake when dad gets home late, because I know this is when dad is most volatile. He lets himself in the door, and slams it shut behind him. I jump at the loud bang the door makes. We are living in a four bedroom house in West Auckland at this time, so I have a room all to myself, and I do not have to share it with Callum. The major problem is that my room is the closest to my parent's bedroom. "Margret, I'm home, and I'm horny. Let's shag!" Dad yells in a drunken slur. I can hear him staggering through the house. He keeps banging into stuff as he walks, making lots of loud scary noises. He walks straight into my door which sends it flying open. I am just amazed that he somehow manages to stay on his feet. He continues on to his room. I am nervous as hell because if dad doesn't get his shag, whatever that is, then I know I'm going to be in trouble. I hear him open the door to his room. Then I jump again as he slams it shut. I am cowering under my blankets hoping like hell that mum won't say anything to piss him off. If she does I know he will go on a rampage, and that I will be in the firing line. I always am. I only hope that if happens that I will be able to protect Callum. I haven't failed him yet, but I am still worried that one day I might and that would destroy me. "Come on bitch, I want to fuck!" I hear dad yell from their bedroom. I have no idea what he is talking about, but it sounds scary. There is a lot of banging and crashing going on in the room. I am hoping that it means that dad is getting what he wants. God help us all if he isn't. "Fuck off. You're drunk and because of that I don't want to fuck you!" I hear mum yell. I cower even deeper into my bed. This isn't going to plan. I hear a loud slap, so quickly realise that dad has just hit mum. I am paralysed in fear. There is nothing that I can do. I feel totally helpless to protect mum, but what is making it worse is that I know I can't protect Callum. I'm stuck and physically can't move. All the years of abuse have had a major impact on me. There is more banging and crashing coming from their room. All of a sudden their bedroom door crashes open. There is so much force behind it that the top of the door comes off its hinges. A big shadow appears in the open doorway to my room. Dad is standing there and he doesn't look happy. He is completely naked, and his dick is huge. It is a fat hairy ugly thing, but what shocks me most is that it is standing up. It is the first boner that I have ever seen, not that I know what a boner is. "If your whore of a mother won't fuck me, than you will do." Dad says in a deep booming voice. I am petrified, but I am still unable to move. My mind is racing telling me to run, but my body isn't cooperating. It doesn't listen to anything my mind tells it, leaving me feeling helpless and vulnerable. Dad staggers over to my bed and rips the blankets off. I just lie there looking at him. My face is full of fear but he doesn't care. He roughly flips me over like I'm a useless annoying cushion or something, so that I am now lying on my front. Then he brutally rips my pyjama bottoms off and throws them on the floor. I have no idea what is happening, and I am feeling embarrassed at being naked from the waist down. But I really have no clue what is in store for me, all I can think about is as to how badly daddy is going to beat me. I still to this day don't exactly know what happened. All I know is I suddenly feel the most agonizing pain in my butt. The pain is so intense that I lose complete control of my body. I feel a wet patch, which keeps getting bigger, form under me. I realise that I have just wet the bed. The pain quickly becomes too much for my little body to handle, and I pass out. The world goes black, but at least the pain is gone. From what I have been told afterwards it goes from bad to worse afterwards. Once dad has finished with me he flips me back over. That's when he finds out that I have wet the bed. He completely loses it. He goes absolutely crazy and beats the shit out of my unconscious body. Mum has seen dad raping me, and calls the cops. They turn up as dad is beating my lifeless body. It takes four of them, and a couple of Tasers to finally subdue him. I spend seven weeks recovering in hospital as a result. The doctors are really surprised at my recovery as I have be beaten up so badly that they don't even think I will make it through the first night. But there is still worse to come when his court hearing starts. *** I have to tell Pierre the story after he sees the extensive scarring around my poo hole, and asks me about it. By the end if the story I am in a trance and hugging myself, while sitting in the bath. Pierre quickly embraces me in a hug, and starts to stroke my back. I am shaking uncontrollably by this stage, and Pierre has to call out to mum for help. Moments later my body completely shuts down and I become comatose. "What do you want...? Oh shit what happened?" Mum says to Pierre as she bursts through the bathroom door, and sees the state that I am in. She is now looking really concerned but isn't sure why I have suddenly collapsed like that. When she had sent us for a shower I seemed to be so full of life. Now I am a mess in the bathtub which has left her baffled. She recognises the symptoms but doesn't think in the slightest that I would have been stupid enough to tell Pierre. Well she hopes that I'm not that stupid anyway. "I was cleaning his back and..." "Shit. Did he actually tell you what his dad really did to him?" Mum asks abruptly, interrupting Pierre in the process. She is really worried, but at the same time very surprised. Pierre is the first person that I have voluntarily told what happened. Mum also knows that still to this day I am not coping with the pain and torture that night caused. She hopes that one day I will get over it, but until then mum is left to pick up the pieces. "Yeah, he told me what his dad did to him. Well sort of. What does raped mean? Because he couldn't actually tell me what happened. All that he knew was that he had been raped." Pierre asks sombrely. He has a gut feeling about what had happened, but still wants my mum to confirm what he thinks. Well he thinks he wants to know, but something is gnawing away at him telling him that it might be best not to know. "Are you really sure that you want me to answer that?" Mum asks Pierre back. "Yeah. No. I don't know. I sort of want to understand what he went through, but I'm still not sure that I will be able to handle it." Pierre replies sobbing. He is really confused. On one hand the information might be useful to help me with. On the other hand it could destroy something. He isn't sure what, but he knows that it will likely be something important. "Look if you really want to know then I can get you a dictionary. That way it is your choice, as to whether you follow through with it or not. I could tell you, but if you're not sure then I don't think that it would be a good idea. I know that eventually you will both find out the meaning of the word, but until then it is all up to you whether you want to find out or not." Mum tells Pierre. She knows that it will take a lot of explaining if Pierre does want to know, because once he finds out what really happened he is going to want to understand why it happened. He just nods. From what he has just been told by mum, he knows that it is definitely something that could have dire consequences if he knows the meaning. He chooses to just let it be for the moment. When the time is right, then we will both probably seek the answer to what really happened to me on that awful night. Until then he decides to forget about trying to work out what happened, and try to get me back to reality. "Right, you need to get out of the shower, and dry off. Then I'm going to need you to give me a hand to dry Josh off, and get him to bed." Mum tells Pierre. He just does as he is told. There is no use in resisting, and he doesn't need to anyway. He wants what is best for me. That is what is most important to him at the moment, but he isn't sure how getting me to bed will help. It will make it easier for him to comfort me, by embracing me in his warm loving hug. But he knows that mum doesn't like the idea of our relationship, so she isn't putting me into bed for that reason. "Mum what's wrong with Josh?" Callum says as he bursts into the bathroom. His face is full of concern when he sees me in a near comatose state in the bathtub. He has heard all the commotion from his bedroom, so decided to come see what has happened. He didn't expect to see me like that, and now is really worried that something bad has happened. "Not now Callum. I will explain it to you later." Mum says sternly to my worried little brother. She then shoos him away, so that Pierre and her have enough room to do what they need to do. Callum is about to protest but knows that it is useless. He also doesn't want to get in the way of them helping me. So he begrudgingly leaves the bathroom, so that mum and Pierre can continue to help me. Pierre and mum take an arm each, as they hoist me out of the bathtub. Mum is the stronger of the two, so once I am out of the bath mum holds me up, so that Pierre can dry me off. He tries to be as thorough as possible, but also does it quickly so that mum doesn't have to hold my dead weight for too long. Once Pierre has finished drying me he drops the towel on the floor and takes a hold of my arm again. Now dried and properly supported, they carry me out of the bathroom and down the hall towards my bedroom. "Wouldn't it be best if he was in the lounge so that you can keep an eye on him? He really doesn't look very well, and I worried that something really bad might happen." Pierre questions my mum. His face shows the concern that he is feeling. He is struggling to hold himself together, but knows it won't do me any good if he ends up an emotional wreck. "Look he will be fine in a few hours. It's not the first time that I have seen him like this, so you don't have anything to worry about. If you want to stay with him to keep him company, then that's up to you. I will warn you though, that when he does wake up he will likely be really moody. So just be aware of that, and keep yourself safe." Mum replies to Pierre. She doesn't want to scare him too much by telling her about my likely mood. She has seen it before after I have woken from a similar state, and saying that I will be really moody is putting it lightly, very lightly. The last few times I woke from my trauma induced come, I was shitty as hell and no one in the near vicinity was safe. I will take my temper out on anyone, and everyone. With only one exception, and that is Callum. I have always said that I will try to do anything to make sure that he is safe, and I mean it, not even in my most wicked temper tantrum will I inflict anything on my brother. Everyone else just tends to cop it twice as bad as a result. Pierre and mum carry me into my room, and lie me down on my bed. Pierre is caught in two minds. Does he stay to comfort me, or does he just let me be. What my mum has said to him has scared him. He is worried about how volatile I will be when I eventually wake up. `No' he thinks, as I have been there for him during his time of need, so he will be here for me. It isn't going to matter what my mood is going to be like, the important thing is getting me to wake up again. So he sits on the bed next to me. "Just remember be careful. When you see that he is waking up, than it might pay to leave the room as quickly as possible." Mum tells Pierre. Her voice is sincere, but has a huge element of concern in it, which scares Pierre a little more. Mum then turns and leaves the room as quickly as she can, closing the door behind her. With mum now gone Pierre thinks he is safe, so lies down beside me and embraces in a tight comforting hug. He is still naked as he wants to get as close to me as possible, and doesn't want clothes to get in the way. He starts stroking my back as well. Then he just starts thinking. `What the hell is going on?' he thinks to himself. He can't believe that the two of us have had such tragedies affect our young lives. It isn't just that, but it seems to him that what has happened to us eventually led us to be together. The other thing that struck his brain is the date I had said. He isn't sure that he has heard properly, so he will have to double check about it later. Pierre then starts recalling what he has been through in the short time since he first met me. He really can't believe how close we have become in such a short period of time. That first proper kiss we had starts to replay in his mind. He can feel the love in it still. He is also experiencing those incredible feelings that we both get from that kiss. His mind then goes back a step to the feelings he feels when I give him mouth to mouth. Then it strikes him, if I can bring him back to life with a kiss, then maybe, just maybe he can do the same. He turns his head to look at me. Then he leans over and gives me the most beautiful, loving kiss on my lips. Even in my trauma induced coma I can still hear what is going on around me. I can hear mum's voice as she is talking to Pierre. I can also hear Pierre's sexy French accent. The problem is he seems to be speaking French. Everyone I hear seems to be speaking some foreign dialect. My brain isn't able to turn the noises they are making into words. I also still feel the warmth and comfort that only Pierre's body generates in me. It seems to grow in strength, and then fade. Now the feelings are stronger than ever. A hug jolt of energised love shoots through me, and my eyes burst open as a result. All I can see once my eyes have adjusted is Pierre's shadowy face. He is kissing me, and it feels totally wicked. Without even thinking I kiss him back, but am instantly filled with disappointment. Pierre gets such a fright when I kiss him that he panics and pulls away. With my mind in the unstable state that it is in, I misread what has happened. I can feel the anger that I usually wake up to, welling up from the depths. But it is the sheer disappointment, and shame that wins out for the moment. I lose control, roll over and bury my head as I bawl my eyes out. The disappointment and shame, is quickly getting replaced with anger. I am angry at everything. Angry at what my dad has done to me, angry at my mum for allowing it to happen and for so long. But most of all I feel angry for having just been rejected. My mind is not thinking things through properly. It is misinterpreting anything and everything, and my mood is going through the whole rollercoaster ride with it. I can't hurt Pierre, even after he just rejected me. It is like my brother, I can never hurt him either, even if he does something to upset me. I start taking my anger and frustration out on my pillow. I keep my head buried as I do it, as I can't look at Pierre, let alone let him see me like this. I really want to get up and throw something. Better yet kick and punch something, as that always makes me feel better afterwards. I want to hurl abuse at someone as well, but I can't do that to Pierre either. I am really getting frustrated, and my anger is boiling over. Pierre is scared as hell. He is now starting to wish that he had listened to my mum, but he thinks he knows the reason for my outburst. "I'm sorry Josh. I didn't mean to upset you. You scared me, and I didn't know that it would work... and you scared me is all." Pierre says crying. He knows that his reaction to me kissing him back is what upset me so much. He is feeling terribly guilt for the way he reacted, and now wishes that he could do it all over again, so that he can get it right this time. I am still too pissed off at everything, and I am still taking my tantrum out on my pillow. Pierre tries to hug me, but I shrug him off. He pulls away a bit scared but knows that he has to try again. Each time he tries to hug me I keep shrugging him off violently. I don't hit him or anything, I just shrug as hard as I can. It is an involuntary response, as my mind cannot deal with things properly. But he keeps persisting, and eventually my mind gives in. Pierre feels like he is starting to succeed in calming me down, as he finally manages to embrace me in a hug. He tries to pull me tighter into him, but my body won't allow him to. My brain is telling me to be wary of him, just encase he rejects me again. Pierre knows that I need to get my thoughts straight before he can really do anything, so just hugs me as tight as I will allow him to. He starts to stroke my back, and slowly feels my body start to relax. Not a word is spoken since Pierre had originally tried to apologise, which is a good half an hour ago. "I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I really am. I shouldn't have made you tell me what happened, but I am glad you did... I really didn't think that you would react this way though... I'm really sorry for that... I'm so sorry for upsetting you... I'm." Pierre sobs. He is still feeling guilty about the whole thing and all he wants to do is apologise for it. "Will you stop saying that you're sorry. I can't stand it anymore. It wasn't you're fault. You weren't to know. I should have stopped you before... you... washed... my butt." I say. I had snapped at him originally, but end up feeling a little bit embarrassed as I realise that he only found out because we were washing each other. Somehow he has managed to ease my mood, and my brain is starting to function normally again. "Um... I didn't mean to upset you again." Pierre says timidly after I had originally snapped at him for continuously apologising. It is now my turn to hug him, as I have him running so scared that now he isn't thinking properly. "Look I'm sorry for snapping at you. It's just... I get like this when I wake up after... well you know what I mean. Didn't mum warn you? She normally does." I say in my most apologetic voice. "Yeah your mum warned me, but I still thought that it was best to stay and comfort you. Why didn't you tell me all this earlier though? Why did you try and hide it from me?" Pierre says. He is sounding a little irritated and hurt that I have tried to hide it from him. "That is simple to answer. First off I didn't want you to see me like this, as I am ashamed at how I react about it. Secondly, you had much more important things to deal with... with your dad... um... well you know." I say honestly to Pierre. I am a little flushed with the embarrassment for having acted so badly in front of Pierre, but for some reason I don't think he really minds how I reacted. It is just the way my mind is coping with things that even now I'm still misreading things. "What do you mean I had more important things to deal with? Yes, my dad died, but that is minor. My dad was loving and caring, and his loss has been hard to take. But you have had to deal with a lot worse. Your dad is supposed to love and protect you. You have been completely betrayed by the one person who you are supposed to be able to trust. People die all the time, and it is something that we all have to live with, but not everyone is so horribly betrayed by their own flesh and blood." Pierre retorts to me. It comes from the bottom of his heart. He completely believes that I have suffered far worse than he has, and he makes sure to let me know that too. "Um... Oh... I never thought of it that way. I'm sorry for trying to hide it from you, but to tell the truth, you are the only person that I have ever told. I have been to see lots of people as a result of what happened, but I never said a word to them. I still think that you have had it worse, as your loss is a lot more recent." I reply. It is only after I said it that I realise that I have probably said the wrong thing, but I really do believe that his issues are more important than mine. Maybe I'm just that sort of person who writes off their own issues when they see someone of greater need. No, that can't be it as I'm selfish as hell, it is something about the love I feel for Pierre that makes his issues more important than mine. "It doesn't matter how recent something has happened. You have still had it worst. I am sort of happy knowing that you are thinking about me before yourself. It makes me feel like I am actually someone sort of important." Pierre says. He is actually beaming from the thought and hugs me tighter as a result. "It's true. You are the most important person in the world to me. The pain that I saw you in, after the bad news you received about your dad, tore me in two. It made me forget everything that I had been feeling, as fixing your pain is the most important thing to me." I say to Pierre, and I mean every word of it. I then give him a little peck on the lips and get those magical feelings engulf me. "Thank you for caring so much. It really means a lot to me. What you have to remember is that I feel the same about you. Helping you get over your pain is the most important thing in the world to me too. I have a few of questions that I would like to ask you, if you're up to it of course?" Pierre says to me, and gives me a little kiss back to stress his point. I actually just want to lie there kissing now, but I know that Pierre has got a few things he needs to know, so I guess the kissing will just have to wait. "Yeah, go on. I'm not going to promise anything." I say to Pierre. I am a little weary about what he wants to know, but I will do my best to answer his questions as long as they don't set me off again. "What your dad did to you, is that why you... ahh... um?" Pierre stutters. He doesn't want to embarrass me, but I know what he is referring to. "Wet the bed. Yes it is. I generally don't sleep which is the strange part of it. I actually feel myself peeing in bed. I just can't get up or do anything about it, as I'm paralysed in fear. Every night when everyone is asleep he appears. I see him standing in the doorway all night. He never goes away until morning." I explain to Pierre. He looks at me in complete anguish. He feels the pain even worse knowing that my dad himself is my nightmare. It isn't what my dad has done to me that cause my nightmares, it is him. "Oh, I'm sorry that you have to go through that." Pierre says. His voice is as quite as a mouse, as he is shaken by everything that I have told him today. It has been a lot of painful information for Pierre to hear, but he has finally got me discussing my issues so wants to dig as deep as he can, while he still has the chance. "Look you have nothing to be sorry about. It wasn't you. You didn't even know about it until today, so stop telling me how sorry you are. Anyway it is because of you that I haven't been subject to that terror as of late. Dad hasn't been standing in the doorway since you have been here. I want to thank you for that." I tell Pierre sincerely. Since he has been in my life my night terrors have gone away, which has allowed me to finally get a good night's sleep, as well as not wetting the bed. He really has been my miracle cure and I really am ecstatic about that. "What about that time in the... ahh... toilet... was that related?" Pierre asks yet again trying not to embarrass me about what has happened. I do have to admit that this incident is rather embarrassing for me, so I am glad he has tried not to offend me too much. "Ahh yeah. Um... that is because I still can't stand seeing... um... you now... that big ugly hairy thing between a man's legs. When I see it the man sort of disappears and dad takes his place... and his thing... it gets stiff. All I see is what happened that night... and my... and my body shuts down as a result." I reply shuddering as I recall the hideous sight and the associated nightmare. I am surprising myself as somehow I am maintaining control of my emotions, as normally I would be a drooling mess by now. It is really strange now that I think about it, as I'm gay yet can't stand the sight of a cock. Maybe Pierre can help me with that aspect too, when his grows as he gets older then maybe I will become more accustomed to the sight again. Pierre really has his hands full with me now that I think about it, as I really am an emotional wreck, and he wants to try and help me. I really hope he succeeds. "Is your dad the reason you are under witness protection?" Pierre queries me. I have been expecting this question to come up, so I am fully prepared with the answer. "Yes. When he got sentenced and sent to jail he didn't take it very well. In jail he got paid back for what he did to me, and that really pissed him off. He blames me and mum for what happened to him. He appealed his sentence, and somehow managed to escape custody while they were taking him to his hearing. He came straight after us, but was caught before he got to where we were. He then made numerous death threats to us, which the authorities became very concerned about. They offered us the protection so we took it. The house we are in here is a safe house. They chose the location because it is so small and discreet. The other advantage is there is only one way in by road, so it seemed like the ideal location for a safe house." I explain to Pierre. He looks concerned but understands that it is probably safer us being here than anywhere else. "Um... is it coz of that night that you have so much problems with your mum?" Pierre asks me. He is really quiet as he is scared mum might hear what he has just asked me. He really doesn't want to upset and offend my mum so ensures his voice is only loud enough for me to here. "Yes. Well mostly. If she had given dad what he wanted, then that terribly painful event would never have happened. But I also blame her for staying with the arsehole for so long. She knew what he was doing to me, but covered up for him anyway. I hate her for everything, and especially for not protecting me like she is supposed to." I say bluntly. I also say it pretty loudly as I am sort of hoping that mum will hear what I am saying about her. Pierre nods that he understands why I feel that way. He sort of feels the same way about her too, but he knows he is a guest so can't really say anything to her as much as he would like to. "Um... one last question. What date did you say it happened on?" Pierre asks me. I'm a little dumbfounded by this question as it is one that I hadn't expected to come up. The date to me is the thing I try to forget most, as I think if I can forget the day it happened on then surely I will forget the whole incident all together. "April the 24th. Why do you ask?" I reply. Pierre just gives me a look of disbelief. I don't understand the look at all. What is so hard to believe about the date? The date isn't anything special in fact it's almost the total opposite. It is a day of unbearable pain, so why is Pierre struggling to believe it. "That was the day... the day of the... the accident which... um... killed mum." Pierre stutters. His eyes are sort of glazed over as he remembers that fateful day. It almost looks like he has gone into shock. He is away in his own little world, but he isn't crying or shaking, he is just in a trance. I am too, now that I know the importance of the date. I don't know how I had missed it before, as it seemed to be staring at me in the face. "Do you know what time it happened?" Pierre asks inquisitively. He really doesn't know why he asked, but figures he might as well get as much information out of me as possible. There could also be some connection but he is doubtful, as it is too much of a coincidence it happening on the same day. "It was 9:58pm when the pain became too much and I passed out." I say sombrely. I remember lying staring at the alarm clock on my beside table wishing for the pain to end, which is why I know what the last time was that I saw. "I passed out at 11:58am during the crash. I happened to be looking at the time when it all happened, so I didn't really see it coming." Pierre tells me. There is a little tear in his eye, but he holds himself together. He is a little disappointed as he thought that the time of our incidents may have been connected too, but it doesn't look that way. He sighs at the thought realising it is too good to be true. It really is all too coincidental. I hear him sigh, and see the tear in his eye, so I immediately think he is a little bit upset again from remembering about the accident. I give him a tight hug and stroke his back trying to calm him. He doesn't need it but it feels so good that he hugs me back. He reassures me that he is fine by kissing me lovingly. Oh man, that feels so awesome that all I can do is reciprocate the love. Everything that has happen is quickly erased from our minds. It is replaced by real love. It is a love that I have never experienced before, until I had met Pierre. I want him and only him. The love I feel for him goes way beyond what I feel for Callum, and when I think about it, it's a shame because he is the only other person that I feel any love for. Our making out has reached fever pitched, and we are trying to get as close to each other as possible. Pierre has rolled on top of my warm sweaty body, but he finds it hard to stay there, as the slickness of our bodies keeps making him slide around. He manages to control his sliding so that he is no longer sliding off the side of me. Instead he is sliding up and down me causing that strange tingling feeling to start to emanate from my groin. As I feel the now familiar feeling of my little dick stiffening up, I am also starting to notice Pierre's little sausage is poking into me. We are still in a frenzy kissing, and our minds aren't thinking about anything but the love we feel for the other. Instinctively I start to grind my stiff little prick against Pierre's silky smooth sweaty body. He is doing the same. The feelings are really starting to get intense, and our heart rates increase along with the sensations. They get so intense that we have to break the kiss, and both moan from the strange, scary but pleasurable feelings our pricks are sending through our bodies. I hear the door handle getting turned, so quickly push Pierre off, much to both of our disappointment. Then I pull the sheet up over our naked sweaty bodies, and made sure that our stiffies aren't visible. My heart is really pounding now at yet again being so close to getting caught. The door cracks open, and the spikey golden blonde hair of my brother tentatively starts to show around the door. Eventually his whole face looks into the room, and he gives us a surprised look. Our faces are flushed red, and sweaty, but what surprises him is that I am awake and have a huge smile on my face. "Oh Joshy, I'm so glad you're alright." Callum says, as he crashes the rest of his way through the door, and races across the room to jump on me. He is lying on top of me holding me for dear life. "You had me so scared. I thought something bad had happened to you. Mum told me not to come in because you would probably be grumpy, but I had to see you, coz I was worried." Callum says and burst out crying. He buries his head on my shoulder as he cries. My gut wrenches because I feel so guilty for scaring him again. I never meant to upset him. I hate it when I do things that make him worry, even if I can't physically help it. I give him a tight hug and stroke his back. "I'm sorry Callum. I didn't mean to scare you." I say to my sweet little brother, as I try to sooth his fears. Callum is still too upset, and takes a little while to calm down and respond. "What happened, coz mum won't tell me?" Callum asks still sobbing. He moves around a bit, and as a result I start to feel uncomfortable as he traps my still stiff prick in a bad position. I try not to show my discomfort because I don't want to scare him even more, so I try to put up with it and hope my stiffie will soon deflate. "I told Pierre about that last time that dad beat me." I reply. Callum nods in understanding, as he remembers how I get when I recall that story. He doesn't know the full story, and I feel that it is best for him not to. The discomfort he is causing my dick is starting to become unbearable, so I reach under the sheet to try to reposition it. I try to do so discreetly, but Callum catches on. "Oh... sorry... I thought I felt something stabbing me... I didn't know it was that." Callum says sheepishly, as he feels me reposition my dick so that it feels more comfortable. He still doesn't want to get off me or let me go. He is still a little scared that if he lets me go something might happen. "It's alright Callum, you weren't to know. Anyway I'm fine now so you can stop worrying about me." I say to my little brother, who was still holding on for dear life. His grip loosens a little after I say it, but not a lot. "I know, but you keep scaring me. I don't want to let you go just encase." Callum says, and his tears start back up again. Pierre at this time is also stroking my brothers back as he tries to sooth Callum's fears too. He hates seeing my little brother so upset, just like I do. Pierre has become really fond of the cute little boy clinging onto me like his life depends on it, and is upset seeing him so scared of what happened to me. "Callum, I know Josh keeps scaring you. I promise that while I am here I will make sure he doesn't scare you again." Pierre says. His voice sounds trustworthy and sincere. I feel Callum's grasp loosen even more, as he turns to look at Pierre. Callum has forgotten that he is even in the room, as he was so caught up in what had happened to me that he overlooked my sexy boyfriend lying in the bed beside me. Callum gives him a warm smile but is still reluctant to release his hold of me. "Pierre, Callum dinners ready." Mum calls out she has done so in a soft voice, as she doesn't realise that I have woken. Callum reluctantly releases his grip on me, and gets off the bed. He is still a little scared that something might happen to me while he is away. But he still leaves the room to have his tea even if it is tearing his heart apart. I try to get out of bed but my body doesn't want to cooperate. Usually when I wake from a coma I go on a rampage till I run out of energy. This time the circumstances haven't allowed me to do that, but my body has run out of energy anyway. Pierre realising that I don't have the strength to get up and changed knows that he had better help me out. He gets out of bed and goes to my drawers and grabs the easiest thing he can find to put on me. It is my really short grey rugby league shorts. He pulls the sheet off of me, exposing my naked body. Pierre takes a really long good look at my still stiff little package, before he struggles to pull my shorts on. I help as much as I am physically able to by lifting my butt off the bed. Pierre has also grabs a pair of my league shorts out for himself, they are my black ones. He slides them up his smooth muscular legs covering his tasty looking package, much to my disappointment. Pierre can't be bothered putting a shirt on either of us. So he proceeds to lift me out of bed. I try to help as much as I can, but I still felt like a dead weight as far as Pierre is concerned. He doesn't complain as it is now his turn to help me. He summons up all his strength as he hoists me out of bed. Then he pulls one of my arms around his neck, which helps a lot in supporting my weight. I am somehow able to provide assistance in the form of walking, as we make our way out of the bedroom towards the lounge. "Oh Josh I'm so glad to see you are awake again. I'm so sorry for what I have allowed to happen, which has caused you so much pain. I really am sorry." Mum says, as Pierre and I emerge into the lounge. She gets out of her seat and rushes up to me, and gives me the tightest hug I have had from her in a long time. Mum is crying now, overwhelmed by guilt. I am too tired to say or do anything, and Pierre is struggling to continue to support my weight. Mum hasn't helped his cause by hugging me either. It almost becomes too much for Pierre, as I feel his grip weakening. Mum must have noticed that I am starting to slip from Pierre's grasp, as she releases me, and takes hold of my other arm to help Pierre get me to the couch. Mum always seems to get emotional when I have an episode. It's just a pity that she hasn't done anything much earlier to have prevented all of this. Once they successfully get me seated on the couch, mum goes out to the kitchen to get Pierre's and my dinner. "You know, you need to find a better way of getting out of cooking dinner than scaring us all half to death." Mum says as she hands us our plates. She is trying to joke, but her voice is weak and wavering. Tears are still running down her cheeks, as the feeling of guilt is yet to subside. It is yet another one of those times where mum wishes that she could wind back the clock and fix all her mistakes, but she knows it is impossible which is what upsets her most. I just take my plate and start to eat. There is no use in trying to say anything as my words will all come out mumbled. I am far too tired now, especially after my talk with Pierre and then with Callum. Pierre also takes his plate and digs in. Callum is almost finished his tea, but he is just looking over at me with the biggest smile on his face. He is so happy to see me out of bed. I give him a weak smile back. I am feeling a little annoyed as I eat my tea. I am really starting to wish that I didn't have an episode. After all the hard work Pierre, Callum and I have put in to catch the fish, mum has destroyed it with her cooking. I would have done a much better job than she has, and as I eat the food we have worked so hard to get, I am left feeling utterly disappointed. Pierre and Callum have too much manners to complain, and I am too tired, so mum never knows how badly she has killed our fish. Callum finishes his tea first, and sets about cleaning up the kitchen. He comes back and takes Pierre's plate from him once he has finished eating. I struggle away. My chewing is really slow as I am so tired and weak, not to mention that the fish is a bit tough. Pierre ends up feeding me himself as I am having trouble even getting food onto my fork. He does a wonderful job of feeding me too, as he breaks up all the food into easily edible pieces. Mum, who has also finished eating, gives a disapproving look as Pierre lovingly feeds me. She also isn't impressed as the whole time we have been having tea Pierre has had an arm wrapped around me in a hug. She decides to keep her mouth shut as I have already been through enough today. In her mind she still cannot admit to herself that I am indeed gay, and that Pierre is the best thing to come into my life. It is a real struggle for her to even try to come to terms with it. But she won't allow herself to accept it. Once Pierre has put the last forkful into my mouth, Callum takes my plate from him. He loads it into the dishwasher and sets it going. Callum knows that I need to go back to bed, so he comes straight back to the couch and takes an arm. Pierre takes the hint and stands up taking a hold of my other arm, as they both lift me off the couch. They position me till they are happy that they have my weight comfortably supported. Then they walk me back to our bedroom and put me back in bed. Callum gives me a loving kiss on the forehead before returning to the lounge. Pierre on the other hand decides to stay with me. He strips off the shorts that he has put on me. Then he shucks his own shorts, before realising that the door is still open. So he closes the door and returns to my bed, hops in and embraces me in a hug. I am fast asleep before he has even closed the door. Pierre just sighs loudly. It is in relief at seeing me in a peaceful sleep, but he is also feeling a little disappointed with the way the day has turned out, especially after what had been such an enjoyable start. He is glad to finally get to the root of all my problems, but wishes he could have done so without having caused such a severe reaction. He snuggles his naked body into me as close as he can, and promptly falls asleep himself. I have inadvertently tired him out, as he spent so much energy looking after me. *** "Mum, I think Josh has lost control at the other end too." Callum says softly. His voice has an unusual nasal sound to it, like his nose is blocked. It is, as he has his nostrils clamped shut with his fingers. He is attempting to block out the stench that is starting to waft through the car. `Shit' mum mutters under her breath. She pushes the car a little faster as she speeds through the city streets trying to get to the store as quickly as possible. `Hopefully there are no speed cameras, or cops on the way.' She thinks to herself. She figures that given my current state she can get away with speeding if a cop pulls her up, but there will be no getting out of a speed camera fine. The smell is starting to dominate the whole interior of the car. Sarah is now blocking her nose as well. She is now feeling even guiltier about the way she had acted as soon as she got in the car. She wishes that she could take it all back. It is still impossible for her to believe that dad has done such a thing to me, but how else can she explain away my intense reaction about it. She can't and knowing that her father isn't the man that she thought he was, is killing her. As a result she hasn't stopped crying since I went into shock, her emotions are in complete tatters. We finally make it to Manukau, and the big red steel building that is what all The Warehouse's look like. The Warehouse is a cheap style department store, aimed for low income families. The main reason mum has decided to go here is that they have everything that she is going to need. Mum travels around the car park in search of one that is empty. It takes her a while as the place seems to be unusually busy. She finds an empty park, and quickly pulls into it. "Right I need you to get him a new shirt and pants. I will also need a couple of towels at least, as I'm going to have to dry out the seat. I can't have him sitting in a wet seat for the rest of the trip... Oh and one more thing it will pay to pick up some Dry Nites, just to avoid another potential accident." Mum tells Sarah, as she gets out of the car. "What size?" Sarah asks mum, as it has been so long since she has last lived with us that she doesn't know what I fit anymore. Although she never really knew before as she didn't have to buy my clothes, but Sarah just wants to make sure she doesn't buy clothes which are too small for me. "Just get sized 12, as he is a pretty average build, so they should fit. If it doesn't I can fix it up later. Here take my card. The pin is 48613. Got that?" Mum replies to Sarah. "Got it." Sarah calls back, as she runs to the store and goes inside. She feels that she has to do this as quickly as possible, as the guilt for getting me in this state is still overwhelming her. She tears through the shop searching for all the items that she needs to get. She locates everything in record time, and then races to the checkout to pay for everything. It's a good thing that she has a good memory otherwise she would have forgotten the pin mum had given her by now. With the stench even more over powering, due to the car sitting stationary, mum gets out of the car. She leans on the roof, and for the first time since I have gone into my trauma induced coma, she breaks down completely. She leans against the roof of the car with her head buried in her hands, and cries. She cries so hard that Callum can hear her clearly from inside the car. The guilt is back with vengeance, and what makes it worse is that I have never got this bad before. My trauma has never made me lose complete control of my bodily functions until now. Sure I have pissed myself numerous times, but this is the first time I have shat myself. Mum is starting to wonder as to whether I'm this bad because of what happened to Pierre, but it again is something that she can't fix. At the same time, even if she could fix it she still doesn't want to. Even though Callum can hear mum crying, and the stench inside the car is really overpowering, he decides to stay with me. He just can't bear to leave me alone in this state, as he knows that I would feel the same if it was him. So he tries to ignore mum's crying, as well as the smell, and just tries to comfort me as best as he can. He is really concerned though, as he has never seen me this bad. I seem to be more out to it this time, Callum thinks to himself. It scares him, as he knows that there is more wrong than just reliving the things dad had done to me. He too wonders whether my severe reaction has something to do with Pierre. "I got all the stuff you wanted, plus some wet wipes and a plastic bag." Sarah says to mum, as she returns to the car. Her face is red and she is panting from the exertion of having just run pretty much through the whole entire store. She doesn't care as it is her fault anyway, and well she deserves to do all the hard work. She looks a little concerned seeing mum crying on the roof of the car, but knows how tough all this must be on her. "Thank you, now get in the car. We can't fix him up here, as he will be humiliated enough when he finds out what he did." Mum says to my sister. She is still trying to regain control over her emotions, so as a result her voice is wavering all over the place. She takes a couple a really deep breathes in and out, trying to get herself back under control. To a certain extent it works, but the guilt is still there slowly gnawing away at her defences. Mum gets back into the car, and belts up. Sarah does the same but keeps hold of the bag so that she can get to it quickly when the time comes to fix me up. Mum starts the car, and backs out of the park. She takes off a little faster than she intends to do, causing the tyres of the car to squeal in protest. We leave the vast asphalt of parked cars, and cruise through the streets of Manukau, in search of a quiet little park that has a decent looking toilet block. It takes mum till we get to Papakura, the southernmost suburb of the city of Auckland, to find a decent park. The toilet block looks pretty modern and inviting, and there are few other people around, so they can get me into the toilet block without anyone noticing. Mum parks the car as close to the toilets as she possibly can. The toilets are now within a hundred metres of where the car sits. She applies the park break and shuts off the engine. "Callum, why don't you go have a little play while your sister and I sort your brother out." Mum says to my little brother. He looks dejected at the prospect, as he really doesn't want to leave me with anyone. He wants to be there to ensure nothing bad happens to me, as he feels it is the least he can do for me, especially after all the times I have protected him. "Look I would like to let you help, but it wouldn't be a good look for you to be in the women's toilets as well. I'm sure that Josh would prefer you to have a little fun, so that you don't see the true state that he is in." Mum says to Callum. She has picked up on his reluctance to leave me, so thinks that she had better find an excuse to get him away. She knows that he will do his best to help, but will most likely get in the way. He really has a heart of gold, but he tries to do too much at times and as a result just interferes with everyone. Callum sighs. He is still torn in two, even after what mum has just said to him. But he doesn't want to get told off, so he lets go of me and gets out of the car. He saunters off towards the playground, with his head hung low like he is getting severely punished for doing something wrong. It would have been a funny sight to see, as most 9 year olds are thrilled to be allowed to play at the playground. But Callum makes it look like he is getting tortured by playing there. In a way I suppose he feels like it is torture getting forced to go play, while mum and my sister clean me up. Callum plunks himself down on a swing, and half-heartedly starts swinging. "That is so sad. You would think that he would be thrilled to bits to be allowed to play." Sarah says, as she hops out of the car. It isn't really to anyone in particular, but mum hears what she has said. Mum has already got out of the car, while she was trying to persuade Callum to play for a bit. "Callum loves Josh too much. They have become really close since this all started about 5 years ago. As far as Josh has been concerned Callum is the only family he has. He blames me too much for what has happened to him. I can't really blame him for thinking that way either. And you two have never really been that close. Even before you started to blame him for everything, you still weren't that close. You sort of used to tolerate each other. So you can see why Callum is so reluctant to leave Josh. Those two have been the best of buddies for a long time." Mum tells Sarah. Her emotions take control again and she starts to bawl her eyes out. My sister gives her a warm hug, as she is now starting to understand how bad things have really been for us. "I'm so sorry, but it isn't your fault. Josh will one day realise that too." Sarah says to mum. She is now in tears as well, but really does believe that one day I will see sense. Mum isn't so sure, but is still grateful for Sarah's reassurance, as she has been on her own for a long time now and it is really starting to take its toll. The constant arguments and guilt trips are slowly driving mum crazy, but she really does love me so won't let me go, even when I get really out of control. "I'll go take quick look to make sure that no one is currently using the toilets." Sarah tells mum. She releases her grasp on mum, and then runs off and enters the women's toilets. Taking a quick look around she is pleased with what she sees. The cubicles all have their doors wide open indicating that they are all empty. The whole inside also looks really clean which impresses my sister more, as it's not often you find public toilets that look this clean. The thing that impresses her most is there is a lock on the main entrance to the toilet, which will enable them to clean me up without the fear of having someone barge in to use the toilet. "They're empty and there is a lock on the door, so no one will be able to intrude while we fix up Josh." Sarah tells mum as she runs back to her. She is panting again as she isn't used to doing so much running or exercise in general. But she feels that she owes me big time, so it is the least she could do for me. "Good, we'll just have to wait for this elderly couple who are walking their dog. Then the coast should be clear. You got the bag?" Mum asks. She has got back into control of her emotions thankfully as otherwise she probably wouldn't have noticed the elderly couple and just gone straight ahead to try and clean me up. I can just feel lucky that they think about me so much, as I would have expected them to put my humiliation last, in order to get me cleaned up so they can get back on the road quicker. "I'll just go get it." Sarah says and goes back to the seat that she had been sitting in and picks the bag up off the seat. She then slams the door closed, and goes around the car to do the same with mum's door. Mum is opening up my door so that once the coast is clear she can get me out quickly. Sarah walks around the car and joins her. They are starting to get a bit impatient as the elderly couple seem to take forever to clear the area. Once they are a safe distance away mum takes my arm and gently lifts me out of the car. Once I am out Sarah quickly grabs my other arm, and slings it around her shoulders. They then carry my lifeless smelly body towards the toilets. Once in the women's toilets they gently lower me onto the ground. Sarah quickly locks the door so that no one else can come in. Mum spreads out one of the towels that she had Sarah get, whilst she went shopping. Once the towel is properly laid out they roll me onto it, so that I don't get cold from lying on the cool concrete floor. Then they start to strip me. I am a complete mess, as shit is covering everything. Thankfully I have no idea of any of this otherwise I would have been mortified. There also would have been no way in hell that I would have ever let my sister see me like this. But being comatose still I really have no choice. I can't protest, as I don't even know what is happening. It is the most horrible feeling in the world when you know something bad is happening but you are powerless to stop it. I may not have been conscious but I still know I have done something bad. The smell is ten times worse now that I have no clothes on. Mum gags as a result of the stench. She had thought that her days of cleaning up shitty bottoms were over, as we grew up. How wrong she was. Sarah also gags from the smell, but continues to help me out. It is her fault anyway, and she knows it. She will put up with the terrible stench because if it wasn't for her then I wouldn't be this way. She really does feel horrible for the way she has treated me and is going to start trying to put things right, starting from now. "I'm going to have to leave this to you. I can't handle the smell. Anyway it will be good practice for when you have kids of your own." Mum tells Sarah. She stands up and walks a short distance away. She is far enough that the smell is at least bearable so she can at least keep an eye on me. Even with how bad the smell is she can't bring herself to leave me, as she feels that she is protecting me by being there. It is something she hasn't been very successful doing so she is now trying to make amends. Sarah doesn't complain, just sets herself to work. She empties the plastic bag and shoves my shitty clothes into it. Then she sets about cleaning me up using the wet wipes that she has got. It is hard work and a bit embarrassing for her. She is a bit tentative because she knows the she is going to have to clean up my little dick. She has never seen it before, let alone the fact that she is now going to have to touch her little brother's penis. It is something that she never imagined that she would have to do, and it feels a bit wrong and dirty. "Wow! He's a bit small isn't he." Sarah comments now that she has my dick clean enough to see. Even though she knows it isn't the sort of thing that she should be doing, she can't help but take a good look at my little package. She hasn't seen many boys' naked, well to be precise she hasn't seen any boy naked so seeing my little dick is something new to her. But yet she somehow still knows that I am small for my age, she isn't sure how but she knows. "Yeah, I know. He hasn't hit puberty yet. And by the looks of it, he's still a while away. I just hope he doesn't get teased about it, as it will ruin him I'm sure." Mum says back. She then takes a deep breath as she knows it is just another problem I have in my life. My size has never bothered me though, and I have never been hassled about it, so she really has nothing to worry about. "I know what you mean. Kids can be cruel like that. It is kind of cute though." Sarah says. Her face flushes red in embarrassment, as she can't believe what she has just said. The fact that she is talking about her on brother's penis doesn't help her embarrassment either. I'm lucky I didn't hear her otherwise I would have died instantly with shame. My sister commenting on my little dickie is something I really couldn't handle, even if she is being kind. Mum doesn't say anything to Sarah's comment. She doesn't want to embarrass her any further, plus she also thinks that I look cute. She is now able to handle the smell a bit better, so sets about giving my sister a hand to clean me up. Before long they have my front half clean. They roll me over, while making sure I stay on the towel, and set out cleaning up the back of me. "Holy shit! He really did do it. I can't believe that fuck head. How could he do such a thing?" Sarah says out loud. She is now crying again as she looks at the heavy scarring around my anus. It is the final proof that she needs to fully believe what she has been told. There is no doubt in her mind about it anymore. Dad had indeed raped me. Her mind is spinning as she tries to understand how he could do such a thing, as he had always seemed to be kind and caring, not the monster it turns out he is. "Yes he did do it. I told you that. I suppose now you will finally understand the pain he has been through." Mum replies soberly. It is an image that she struggles to get rid of, and she has really been hoping that the scarring would heal and disappear. It doesn't look like that is ever going to happen, as it looks as bad as the day I was released from hospital. She starts crying again, as the guilt just won't go away. It keeps eating away at her from the inside no matter how hard she tries to ignore it. It is still there waiting for the right moment to strike again. Sarah gives mum another comforting hug. She really wishes now that she had known the truth all the way through. We could have avoided this if she had just known. She can understand why I hadn't told her, but her mother, she should have told her right from the get go. Even if Sarah wasn't going to believe it at time, after enough persuasion she knows that she would have eventually listened. Sarah finishes cleaning me up. Mum is again too much of a wreck to help. The whole episode has really hit home, and she really knows how much she has failed me as a mother. The worst part is she still has another deep dark secret that she hopes I will never find out about. She knows that if I do then that will probably be it for us. She is scared and shaking, as Sarah continues to fix me up. She puts on the clothes that she has bought for me. It is a struggle as mum doesn't help her one bit, and neither do I. She somehow manages to pull on my diaper, and plain black mid-length shorts. Then after a massive struggle she has put on a plain blue tee shirt over my torso. She stands back and admires the results. 'Not bad' she thinks, especially given the circumstances. Mum now back in control of her emotions all over again helps Sarah pick me up. Sarah of course unlocks the door first, and disposes of the towel into the plastic bag before tying the handles to shut the bag, and throwing it in the rubbish bin inside the toilets. She doesn't know what else to do with it, and that seems like the most logical solution to the problem, so goes with the easiest option. They carry me out of the toilet and back to the car. They sit me in the seat Callum had been using and use the remaining towels to try and dry off the seat that I had been in. Once satisfied that they can no longer dry it off anymore, they drape one of the towels over the seat. Mum calls out to Callum, who comes back quick as a flash. He sees that I am in his seat so skirts around the car and comes in the other door and then sits in the middle cuddling up to me as best as he can. Sarah and mum can do nothing more but smile at Callum, as they both admire how close he is to me. "Right we need to get out of here. But we've still got one huge problem to contend with, and I don't know how to go about it." Mum tells Sarah and Callum. Callum instinctively knows what the problem mum is referring about is, as he remembers the warning he got when Pierre had set me off. But Sarah has no idea about the coming storm. "What problem is that?" Sarah asks. She is totally confused as she thinks that the biggest problem was cleaning me up. She figures that I can't be too bad as mum isn't taking me to the hospital, so what could be the big problem then? She is really baffled by it, and can't come up with an answer herself. "When Josh wakes up he is going to go berserk. His brain doesn't function properly as he comes out of the coma. So he gets really angry. I mean really angry, so much so that neither you nor I should be around him." Mum states seriously. Sarah looks really worried hearing this. But what seems strange is that she isn't worried about Callum. How could she forget about him, or is there something else she hasn't told her, Sarah wonders. "What about Callum? Shouldn't he have to get away from him too?" Sarah asks concerned about her littlest brother's safety, as she really doesn't want him to get hurt too as a result of the way she acted. She is feeling guilty enough as it is let alone having Callum also on her mind. "No, remember what I said to you before. Josh would never hurt him, and even when he comes out of these coma's he still makes sure that Callum never gets hurt." Mum tells Sarah. Sarah's face shows a lot of admiration towards Callum. She can't believe how much we mean to each other, but she is happy for us. She just wishes that all of us siblings could be that close, but she knows that she has screwed that up. Now she is just hoping to be able to mend things somehow. Mum starts up the car again and we head on our way. She still has all the windows wound right down to try and get rid of the remaining stench that fills the car. We wind our way through the suburb of Papakura back towards the motorway. Papakura is a mix of housing. Some of it is still the old state housing which dominates South Auckland. But there is quite a lot of new builds around, as the city continues to grow and sprawl to the south. Every time we come back here the city seems to have grown a lot, with most of the expansion happening at the northern and southern ends of the urban sprawl. Auckland takes up so much land that it is something like the 5th largest city in the world by terms of area. Once back on the motorway mum continues to head south. We climb the steep incline of the Bombay hills and down the other side into the vast rolling pasture land of the Waikato. Scenery wise the Waikato is pretty boring unless you like lots of green pastures and cows. It is a major dairy farming region in the country, and snaking its way through the region is the longest river in New Zealand. The aptly named Waikato River starts its long journey from Lake Taupo in the approximate centre of the island, all the way to Port Waikato where it empties into the sea, some 420 km from the source. I am still comatose all the way through the northern part of the Waikato. I still haven't come to as we travel through Hamilton the regions only major city. The traffic through the city is slow, and there is a steady stream of cars and trucks rolling around the place no matter where you seem to be. The main road through the city is a joke and hasn't been thought through properly. They have tried to make it go around the CBD, but created an absolute mess in the process. It is a horrible city to drive through, but until they build the eastern bypass road all you can do is put up with it. No one has said anything since we had left Papakura. Callum has fallen asleep again. Sarah is too lost in her thoughts to talk, and mum is too busy trying to concentrate on the road. She drives through Hamilton until we get to the turn off for State Highway 3, which she takes and we continue in a southwest direction. All the way from Taupo bay to here we had been on State Highway 1, so for mum it is a refreshing change to be on a different road. It isn't long after we have been through the small town of Te Awamutu when I finally show signs of coming to. Callum is awake again, as they had stopped in the town for an ice cream. He has sensed me starting to wake. He scoots over to confirm what he thinks, and looking at my eyelids he can see them starting to flutter. It is the sign mum has not been looking forward to, as she still hasn't thought of an appropriate place to take me. She can't think of anywhere suitable. Mum has considered taking me to a motel, but knows that I will probably get in big trouble for wilful damage. That is the major problem she faces, is that she knows that wherever I am I will tear the place apart. "Mum, Josh is starting to wake up." Callum says a little tentatively. He knows that mum doesn't want to hear that so is a little scared when telling her. He doesn't know what the big deal is as he never has any trouble with me, so can't quite understand how much different things are for everyone else. "Shit! There is nowhere to pull over." Mum says. The highway we are on is just a dual carriageway with little room off the side to park a car without blocking the road. There are also broken yellow lines along the edge of the road to indicate that it is a no stopping area, due to many blind corners making it hard to see a parked car. It really isn't a good road for a breakdown or any other emergency which requires you to stop, but that is the nature of a lot of New Zealand's roads. "Look there is a picnic area another 200 meters up the road." Sarah says after seeing a blue sign on the side of the road indicating a rest area ahead. Mum starts to slow the car while indicating to turn into the picnic area. I am starting to wake properly by this stage. My eyes are open but still struggling to focus. My mind is telling me that I am in a really bad mood. I start to sit up and look around. As my eyes start to focus I see Callum hugging me. The next thing I see almost makes me flip out straight away. My sister is still in the car. She has made me like this, so seeing her makes me angrier than I was before. If I didn't have Callum beside me then I really would have lost it. I probably would have tried to beat the shit out of her, well at least the car would have taken a beating, but with Callum here I just can't do it. I can't let him see my anger, as it will remind him of dad, and I can't do that to him. Mum pulls into the picnic area. It isn't a lot to look at. It is just a few trees and a couple of wooden picnic tables, but it is tidy with no rubbish anywhere. There is a little dirt track through the middle of it which cars use to access the area as it loops back to the road. Otherwise there really isn't anything here, there are no toilets or anything, but it is just a rest area so you can't really expect a lot. I am starting to feel suffocated at not being able to vent my frustrations. My breathing is shallow and weak, and my body is trembling from built up aggression and adrenalin. I have to get out of the car and fast. I undo my seatbelt and open the car door. Mum has to slam on the breaks when she hears the door open, sending the car skidding to a stop, leaving a trail of dust which quickly envelopes the car. I jump out as soon as I have the door open, but thankfully for my sake mum has stopped the car in time so I don't hurt myself. I run, and run. I want to get as far away from everyone as possible. I jump a wire fence at the back of the picnic area and into the neighbouring farm. Once I clear the fence I run through the grassy pasture. I climb a little hill and run down the other side, almost stumbling and taking a fall a couple of times, due to the uneven ground. But I keep running trying to put as much distance between me and my former life as possible. I really am trying to run away from my past as I'm sick of the way it keeps ruling my life. ************ Comments are always welcome at (pennywise3636@gmail.com). Please keep all comments clean. If possible please kick in a few bucks at the Nifty Website, to keep it up and running. The site puts in a lot of effort and work so that we all have a place to come and contribute or read some fine stories.