Date: Sat, 23 Jul 2005 10:09:34 +0200 From: A.K. Subject: Who has to forgive - chapter 9/9 (Young Friends) ---------------------------- WHO HAS TO FORGIVE by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2005 written the 2nd of February, 1993 translated by the author English text kindly revised by David ----------------------------- USUAL DISCLAIMER "WHO HAS TO FORGIVE" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest. ----------------------------- CHAPTER 9 A GERBERA Sebi's telling him off made Roberto start to reflect. As a first step he printed again, while Tom was not around, Antonello's pictures, all of them, from the first "smiles" to the "nudes". And looked again at them once more, and later in his bed, he cried. Losing Antonello he realized he had lost the best and the most beautiful part of his life. "Why did you do that to me?" he dejectedly asked to the pictures, "It was so great, so good, you and I..." and on impulse he kissed those pictures as a worshipper kisses the relics of a saint. Yes, he missed Antonello, he missed him terribly! The second thing was that he started to notice something that in the previous days he never did. Tom was uneasy around him. He looked at Roberto he obeyed him, almost always with nervousness. Tom was not scared of him, but possibly, he feared him. Tom was ready, available, and precise as usual, at times also shyly smiling, but less merry, less spontaneous. And the cause for that, Roberto was clever and sensitive enough to understand it, and honest enough to admit it, was him, Roberto, and his repeated sexual demands to which the boy always submitted without breathing a word. "I am treating him like a whore..." Roberto thought for the first time, feeling shame and regret. "And he feels guilty and undergoes all..." No, he could not continue it this way. Rather, he owed an apology to the boy, in one way or another. Roberto was somewhat a proud person, but understood it was only fair to overcome his pride. Therefore, gathering his courage, one morning he said to Tom. "Come with me in the living room. I need to talk with you." He saw the boy's eyes becoming veiled with fear, but preceded him and, sitting at the table, he pointed to the boy the other chair. Tom sat in his turn, looking worriedly at him. Roberto had a moment of hesitation but at once resumed his courage. He breathed deeply, emitted a kind of sigh and started to talk, "Tom, what you did with Antonello is really bad." The boy lowered his head and started to tremble. "But" Roberto continued, "What I have done to you is very bad. Therefore, I now apologize to you." Tom suddenly raised again his head and looked in Roberto's eyes, then blushed and lowered his head again. Roberto continued, "I had no rights to treat you in this manner." Tom, almost paining to pull out his voice, said, "I... I deserved it..." "That may be possible. But anyway I had absolutely no right to do it, to hurt you so." "I hurt you, and then..." "And then?" Roberto urged trying to understand where the boy was aiming, but not being able. "And then... don't get mad at me, now... but your punishments... besides knowing I deserved them... they also gave me pleasure..." Tom said pronouncing the last words with a trembling voice. Roberto had a fleeting, sad smile. Then he asked Tom, "What kind of pleasure?" "Yes. You know that I love being a bottom, don't you? And you... you are... so handsome." "Then, did you forgive me?" "I forgive you? It's me the one who has to ask for forgiveness, to you and... and to... and to... and to Antonello, yes, mainly to him. It is my fault if he is no longer here, with you. He didn't want to, I told you..." "But he did it." Roberto bitterly said. Tom then raised again his eyes, holding the young man's look, "You... are you sure you would have not yielded in his place? I don't mean with me, possibly with somebody else. But are you really sure? At the right moment, in the right place, with the right person, can you say with certainty that you would have not yielded?" "You were then the right person for Antonello? Is that what you mean?" Roberto asked with irony. "No, I didn't mean that. Rather, I was really the wrong person. But in that moment, unhappily, I managed to make Antonello lose his self-control. You never lose your self-control?" "I cannot really say I never lose it... and to you above all. That's why I apologized to you." "The best way to really apologize to me will be to... to clear up things with Antonello." Tom answered and at once was afraid that the young man could get mad at him for these words. But Roberto didn't seem to grasp that daring suggestion, "Do you still feel like working with me... after what I did to you, how I treated you?" "I did it, up to now. Why would I have to stop, now? I like you, Roberto, and you are a wonderful photographer and a very good boss. If you are not annoyed having me around... I feel good with you, and even more now that we talked with each other honestly." Roberto gave his hand to the boy and they shook them strongly. "Can we go to work, now?" Tom asked with a hesitant smile. "Let's go to work, yes." Roberto answered with a smile, feeling relieved. While he followed the boy to the laboratory, a fast but clear thought flashed in his mind, "I don't deserve a boy like Tom, as I was not worthy of Antonello." The third step came almost as a consequence of the first two. Roberto started again to be a professional photographer. Not only he didn't any more press for his models' sexual services, but even if the boys were to offer themselves to him, to provoke him, to proposition him, he stopped them with a smile but with determination. But he was not yet able to do the most important step that is to look for Antonello. He himself didn't know why. Possibly out of pride (he still felt wounded), possibly out of weakness (he feared rejection)... but after all also pride is but another form of weakness. He received a letter from the Dutch magazine director, where he was told that they were happy with his pictures, but that he was also amazed for the discontinuity of his style. At the beginning they were real art pictures (even those portraying sex), very beautiful and with a great value. Then he started to receive a set of very explicit pictures (he used this word, but he meant hard core pornography, Roberto thought) that were anyway very much appreciated by the readers for the erotic charge that pervaded them. And now he was sending just pictures of handsome bodies fucking each other, and asked him if by chance he had at his orders three different operators. If this was the case, he preferred the first and the second one. Roberto bitterly smiled. He answered that in fact he didn't have three photographers working for him at once, but that he changed them, three times. He wrote also that he didn't know if he would be able to find again the first or the second of them, and that, if he could not, he would understand and accept the ceasing of their contract. Roberto talked with Tom about this letter he received. The boy then, shyly, asked him if he could start to do his first photographic service, to direct the models, anyway with the presence and the guide of Roberto. The young man accepted and sent the first sets shot by Tom to the magazine, with an accompanying letter where he explained that he was trying a "fourth photographer" and asking to the director his opinion. Sebi succeeded at last to meet with Antonello and to talk with him. After their meeting, Sebi and Patrizio communicated by phone more than once. When Patrizio told him that Antonello was strongly uncertain but more and more oriented towards an attempt to meet with Roberto, Sebi decided it was time to put more pressure on Roberto. During the last shooting sessions, Sebi became aware that Roberto was again changing and that he now was no longer demanding that the boys to have sex with him, and took this as a good sign. He also noticed that the relation between Tom and Roberto had changed for the better. Thus, during a shoot, taking advantage of the break went near Roberto who was in the kitchen fixing coffee for everybody. With a casual tone he said, "You know... I met Antonello." "Oh!" Roberto answered trying uselessly not to seem interested in the news. "He is fine." "Good." "He was together with a really handsome boy. His name is Patrizio, if I'm not wrong..." "Really?" "Yes. That Patrizio is a real hunk and intelligent, sweet... and even rich..." "I see." Roberto commented, and seemed to sink more and more in a dejected gloom. Sebi for a while kept silent, stealthily looking at his friend. Roberto now was tense, nervous, his face was dark. He uselessly bustled with the coffee cups. Then, almost resigned, murmured, "I'm happy for him. I hope he feels well... now." Sebi smiled secretly and added, "He works in Ascea, Antonello." "He works in Ascea does he?" "Yes. And he asked me about you." "About me?" "About you." Silence, once again. Sebi was seething, "He misses you..." he then added. Roberto looked at him, amazed, then with a hesitant, uncertain voice said, "But... is he not now with that guy? The hunk?" "Patrizio? No way! They are just friends. But no sex between them..." "No sex? But if..." "Yeah! Can you understand it? Patrizio is in love with him and a guy with his head on his shoulders would not think twice to become Patrizio's boyfriend. But Antonello...he feels nothing!" "He feels nothing?" Roberto echoed, feeling now his heart beating wildly, "Nothing, you say. Did Antonello tell you so?" "No, Patrizio told me. He feels nothing for him and nothing with anybody else, nothing at all." "That's odd..." "Isn't it? But Antonello, as you know, is a romantic boy. He is possibly still deceiving himself..." "Deceiving him self?" "Yeah! He is deceiving himself with the thought, the hope that you could forgive him. He is deceiving himself, poor thing." Roberto looked in Sebi's eyes, then moved away his glance and murmured, "But I forgave him." "Oh, really? But he doesn't know that. And when Patrizio will have to leave and go back up to the North..." Sebi hinted. Now Roberto was visibly agitated, he was torn. "Everyone on the set!" Tom peeped in and announced. "You can go on..." Roberto answered without moving. Sebi pulled off his gown and went with the others on the terrace. After a short while also Roberto came with the coffees. All throughout the shoot Sebi, from time to time, threw a glance towards Roberto. Tom scolded him, "No, Sebi, no! Today you really are a dead loss. Lino gives you head and it seems that you are not even aware, that you don't give a shit for that! You have to show how much you are enjoying it that to you Lino only exists, his mouth, his body!" "I'm sorry... perhaps it will be better if we shoot tomorrow the scene with Lino... I don't feel like it, now." "But just a few moments before you two were perfect... Fucking shit, Sebi, I could read passion in your eyes, in all your body... but now it seems like if you were playing the nice statuettes! It seems like if that beautiful hard cock between your legs was not yours, like if it was plastic, a dildo, and that you feel nothing!" Tom protested. "I'm sorry..." Sebi answered, amused for that outburst. Tom nodded, "Alright. We will now shot only the solos with you, Lino. Take those magazines, and come downstairs, in the bedroom..." Sebi wore again the gown and, while the two friends were moving downstairs, went to sit near Roberto, still immersed in his thoughts, more and more sunk in the armchair. "Do you think...?" Roberto started, but then became silent. "What?" Sebi encouraged him. "Do you think that he... he still...?" "He still?" "Yes, well... that he is still... in love with me?" "What? Fucking hell, I'll put my hand on the fire, for that. If he were not, he would for sure accept Patrizio's courting him, wouldn't he? But rather... you on the contrary..." "I?" "Yes, you. Do you still give a shit about Antonello?" "Yes... oh yes!" Roberto said with a pained accent. "You are still in love with Antonello, you mean?" Sebi asked pretending to be amazed, unbelieving. "Yes." Roberto whispered. "What did you say?" Sebi asked pretending he didn't hear. "YES!" the young man almost shouted. "So then, what are you waiting for? What are both of you waiting for?" "You said he now lives in Ascea?" "It's there that you send him the shop's money, don't you?" "I don't know... Nello does it all... Do you have his address?" "No... But I know in which bar he works." "And... can you tell me?" "You want to go there?" Roberto kept silent for a while, than a tear shone for a moment in his eyes and said, "Yes. Tomorrow morning." "To the bar?" "Yes..." "That would be good! So you embarrass him in front of everybody!" "But..." "The day after tomorrow is his rest day." "But you don't know where he lives, do you?" "No. Usually on his day off he hangs around with Patrizio..." "So then what am I to do?" "So then I can ask Patrizio where they will go... and if you meet in a neutral ground... I think it would be better." "But also that guy will be there..." Roberto protested. "So that is better still." "Why is that better still?" "Yes, it is better. Antonello trusts Patrizio; he will feel more... safe." "Safe?" Roberto asked him astounded, "But I don't want to hurt him, I don't!" "But you already did hurt him." "But... talking with Antonello in presence of a stranger..." "Patrizio is not a stranger to Antonello. He is the only true friend he has in this moment." "But you can be there, can't you? I would not be ashamed with you." "Ah, this is the point. But I have to work. And then... as you were not ashamed to send him away... now you need not to be ashamed to clarify things with him, don't you agree?" "You are probably right. Can you call... this Patrizio?" "Sure." "And fix it up?" "Yes." "And tell me?" "Of course. But tomorrow, now it's late. Call me tomorrow afternoon at the garage, and I'll talk to you about the arrangements." "Thank you, Sebi." "But you... are you really sure you want try again with Antonello?" "If he still wants me..." "Let's hope!" Sebi, left Roberto's home, went at once with his moped to look for a public telephone. He dialed Patrizio's home number. A woman answered, "No, Patrizio is out... I don't know what time he will be back... You can find him tomorrow morning... usually he goes out around ten 'o clock... Who should I tell him was looking for him?" Roberto passed an anxious night. He could not fall asleep. At times he slide into sleep but had weird dreams, not really nightmares, but odd situations which at once woke him up. He doing an orgy with all his models, and Anonello arrived and caught them... He was in the sea and saw Antonello on the beach, and wanted to swim towards him but then realized he was stark naked and the beach was crowded with people and everybody was looking at him... Antonello in a car with a hunk, and the car ran away and Antonello called him, and he pursued the car with his bicycle but the car was going away too fast... Antonello lying naked in the snow, becoming cyanotic from the cold, risking dying, but he was tied to a tree struggling to free himself to rescue Antonello, but the rope's knots were strong and tight... The night seemed to never end. On the morning of the day after Sebi could talk to the phone with Patrizio, "Patri, do you know Palinuro Cape?" "Sure." "Can you take Antonello there, tomorrow?" "Yes, I think I can, But for what reason?" "Roberto wants to meet him. He made up his mind." "At last! Also Antonello, yesterday evening, told me that he desired me to accompany him to see Roberto -- he lacks still the courage of doing that by himself... But, wouldn't it better if they meet at Roberto's place, at this point?" "No. Too many emotions still linger in that house. And then... Roberto would... play at home." "And I... won't I be in the way?" "No you won't. I would like to be there, too, but I cannot ask to my boss another free day. Roberto knows that you will be there and this is fine with him." "I see. But, what part of Palinuro Cape, and at what time?" "Beyond the Palinuro Village, passed the old pier, the road going up the mountain, do you know it?" "I know the road that leads to the little cove. As a boy I often went there to swim with my friends." "Right there, by the sight point above the Blue Grotto." "Perfect." "Let's say around eleven in the morning?" "Alright, do I have to tell Antonello that Roberto will be there?" "No. I am almost certain he will be there, but I don't want to give him a disappointment. I'll say to Roberto to be there at eleven thirty. I want him to be looking for and then finding you." "Alright, thank you." "Thank you also." During the lunch break Sebi, instead of waiting for Roberto's call, rode his moped and, biting a sandwich while riding, went to his home. He told him where he could find Antonello on the day after. "But I... I don't know the road you are talking about..." the young man said, anxiously. "Oh fucking hell! We all know that place! Just leave it to you not to... Oh, for all the saints' cocks! Well... listen... I'll ask my boss to let me free tomorrow morning and we will go there together, okay? I fear he will sack me, sooner or later... but..." "Thank you, Sebi you really are a friend." "Yeah! I'll come to fetch you tomorrow morning at eleven, okay?" "Is thirty minutes enough time to get there?" "Yes. But be ready." "Will he be waiting for me?" "He doesn't know you'll be there. Only Patrizio knows." "You too will be there, won't you?" "At this point... Well, I have to go, now. See you tomorrow morning." That evening Patrizio proposed to Antonello the ride to Palinuro Cape. "But I... why don't you accompany me to see Roberto?" "In the afternoon, you have first to relax a while, we will sunbathe... then I'll come with you, as I promised. But... are you sure you want to meet him?" "Yes, even if I'm scared." "Scared, but why? Worst than now... you cannot get anything worse happen than for him to say 'no', but if it works you have only to gain, don't you?" "But if he sends me away again, I... I... it will be better for me to disappear." "If he refuses you... if you want to disappear... you can rather come with me to Bergamo. But, you'll see, everything will go smooth. Okay?" "Perhaps, anyway I have decided -- I have to see him once more... So then... tomorrow morning, what time do I have to come to take you?" "Let's say... nine 'o clock?" "Alright," And the next morning came. Patrizio guided Antonello to the sight point and from here they went down through the rocks until they reached a small clearing beneath. They spread a bathing towel on the grass, undressed remaining in only their swimming trunks, and lay down in the sun. Patrizio, without showing it, was keeping an eye on his watch. Sebi went to fetch Roberto. He almost quarreled with his boss, but at the end he got all the morning free. Roberto was ready, nervous, excited. He was waiting on the street. Sebi noticed that he was dressed much better than usual -- he "spruced up" as the boys said. And he had in his hands a small box. A gift, Sebi thought a peace offering. When they reached the sight point, Roberto worriedly said, "He is not here!" "Yes, look there, isn't that Antonello's bike?" "Yes!" Roberto brightened up, "Where can he be?" "Well, let's look for him. He has to be nearby, Perhaps down by the sea..." Roberto looked out from the sight point... and there, six or seven meters lower, he saw the two lying bodies and at once recognized the unmistakable shape of Antonello. Patrizio was lying on his back and Antonello on his belly and they were chatting in a low voice, so that Roberto could not single out the words, covered by the waves sound. Roberto couldn't avoid noticing that Patrizio was really handsome, but didn't feel jealous. He opened the small box, pulled out a red gerbera cut just under the corolla, rapidly signed himself with the cross sign... and threw the flower towards Antonello. The gerbera whirled in the air, shone at the sun, went down spinning... and landed at a hand span from Antonello's head. The boy had a little start, looked towards the soft thud he heard and went pale. Patrizio, who never ceased to study his friend's expression, tensed -- he saw his friend stiffening, become white like a sheet, than he saw a thousand emotions agitating on his face in a fast succession. Then Antonello stretched his hand, took the gerbera to his lips and kissed it, wetting the red glowers with his tears. Roberto, from above there, leaning out, was spying the scene, trembling. Antonello knelt up, the gerbera always in his hand and looked up towards the sight point. Their eyes met and all seemed to become still, like in a wax museum. Then slowly Antonello stood up and shouted to the wind, "Come..." Roberto, trembling like a leaf for his emotion, went down the rocks, nimble like a gazelle, light like a feather, risking a thousand times to slip, to fall, to crash into the sea, until he was in front of Antonello. Sebi followed him with much more prudence. The two, standing one in front of the other, had eyes only for each other. The wind, suddenly rising, ruffled their hair. The sun shone in their eyes. Finally Roberto whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion, "Can we start again from there... from the gerbera?" Antonello asked, with a hint of voice, "Do you forgive me?" "Who has to forgive? Do you forgive me?" and at last they threw themselves in each other arms, and strongly squeezed each other, almost as if they would no more run the risk to lose each other, almost to annihilate their separation. And they silently cried. Meanwhile Sebi arrived there and went at the side of Patrizio, who was now standing. The two lovers were still holding each other tightly, "Antonello... My Love... Let's go back home, all right?" "Yes but... but first... we have to talk first." "You are right. Let's sit down. You too, dear friends..." The four youths sat on the bathing towel. Roberto leaned his hand on Antonello's thigh and the boy put his one on top of Roberto's. "Antonello... please, forgive me." "It's me that was the one who cheated on you..." Antonello murmured. "I too cheated on you, betrayed you... denying you my understanding, my love. And later, also physically, acting like a whore with all the boys. Therefore, it's you who have to forgive me." "But I pushed you to act so. You would never have done that, if it was not for the disappointment I gave you. I don't know what seized me, on that afternoon. I didn't want it and yet... I got aroused, I yielded. I didn't want and yet... I wanted it, I wanted him, and I took him. And what's worst, I enjoyed it, even if afterwards I felt lost, I felt like a worm. But at that point, I had done it, I could no more step back, erase it. And I had to tell you, to talk with you..." "And I had to help you, to tell you that a mistake, everybody can do it, as all of us are weak... that nothing changed between us, as long as love binds us. But to the contrary, you wanted a strong man, but I have not been such a man. A sweet man... and that neither I have been for you. A hot man... and I have been like ice to you. No, it is not you the one who disappointed me, but I disappointed you. I'm not worthy of you, as you see." "Do you still want me? Do you still love me?" "Yes more than ever." "I... I think that it will never again happen." Roberto caressed Antonello's face, "But even if it happened again... I'll be at your side I'll listen at you... I'll try to understand and to help you. I promise! And then... it could happen to me, on the contrary. That's not because I want it, I don't desire it, absolutely not. But honestly, who can say what life makes us face? You too didn't want it, I now understand. Alone, each of us is a fragile thing, but together, united, who knows, we can possibly overcome all problems." Antonello kissed the gerbera then threw it on the sea. Then he said to Roberto, "We will always have red gerberas on our terrace, isn't it true?" "Sure, my love, and each time we will look at them, we will remember that we cannot afford the mistake of losing each other again, to part again." Sebi intervened, "I can take Patrizio home..." Roberto looked to Antonello, "Will you... will you leave the bar?" "Yes, sure, but not right away. I cannot leave the job before the season is over, I gave him my word." "That means for..." "Eighteen days. Will you wait for me?" "Sure! But I'll be every day in Ascea and, after your work time, on the evening, you'll come home with me, agreed?" "Yes." Then Roberto said, "But today is your leave day. We all can go to have lunch somewhere and then... will you come home? Will you stay until tomorrow morning?" "Sure. Perfect! Are you coming to have lunch with us?" Antonello asked to their two friends. "Is it not better if you two are alone?" Patrizio asked. "No, we will have plenty of time, later. And we have now to celebrate, together with our best friends. Without you two, we would not be here." Roberto said, moved beyond words. Patrizio wanted to offer the lunch. They went uphill to Rocca Gloriosa, up the mountain, where there was a famous open air restaurant. Then, after lunch, they were about parting, Roberto said to Patrizio, "Thank you." "For what?" "For all you did for Anonello." "I did nothing." "You were at his side when he most needed it." "Well... that's so..." "And you respected him you didn't take advantage of the situation." "Well... this also is true..." "And this is not a little thing. I don't still know you, but if you want, I would like us to become friends." "It would be a real pleasure." The two young men shook hands with vigor. ----------------------------- THE END ----------------------------- In my home page I've put some of my stories. If someone wants to read them, the URL is http://andrejkoymasky.com If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English translations, so that I can put on-line more of my English stories please e-mail at andrej@andrejkoymasky.com ---------------------------