Date: Fri, 05 May 2000 14:12:45 EDT From: William Watts Subject: You Pass This Way But Once - chapter 19 Legal Notice: The following story contains descriptions of graphic sexual acts. The story is a work of fiction and has no basis in reality. Don't read this story if: **You're not 18 or over, **If it is illegal to read this type of material where you live, **Or if you don't want to read about gay/bi people in love or having sex. The author retains copyright to this story. Placing this story on a website or reproducing this story for distribution without the author's permission is a violation of that copyright. Legal action will be taken against violators. If you have enjoyed reading this story, you will find other stories by me at http://www.teenboyauthors.org/thewolf/, in the 'Other Stories' section. E-mail responses to the stories, story suggestions or other 'constructive' comments or advice may be sent to: bwstories44@hotmail.com * * * * * * * * You Pass This Way But Once - by BW Copyright 2000 by bwstories44 Chapter 19 - The long vigil. March 2000 My parents and I talked for a while as they tried to distract me from the sadness of the situation. My mom gave me a small bag containing a change of clothes and some toiletries and I went into the shower stall, which was located in Seth's private bathroom. After I finished cleaning up and changing, I came back out, gave my mother my dirty things and I went back to sit beside Seth. I was thinking about the things that had happened when an idea came to me. I went over to the locker where Seth's things were stored and I searched through his pockets. There it was. I had found what I was looking for. In the back pocket of his jeans was the folded up letter that had set Seth off so badly. I took it out, unfolded it and began to read the message. Dear Seth, I don't understand why you're clinging to this stupid idea that you're gay. I know that boys your age go through phases like this and that they often engage in sexual exploration with one another. I understand that the feelings that you get from these activities are probably very pleasurable and that they make you feel very good. Sex makes you feel that way and it gets even better when you do things with girls. This is just a phase that you're going through and you can't cling to it and ruin you life. I am telling you once more that it's time to get your act together and to start acting straight. You can find a nice girl to start going out with and that will make you forget about all of this other nonsense. I want you to stay away from Logan and any other boys that you've been having sexual contact with until you are beyond their influence. I know that you can do this for all of us. I feel that I must warn you that, if you persist in your assertions that you are gay, your mother and I won't be able to accept you into our household. I know that we will be responsible for you because you're still a minor but we will sign you over to the state and let them handle you and your problems. We cannot and will not accept sexual deviates into our home and we will not associate with people who do those sick, perverted things with each other. We will love you and accept you only if you can give up your faggot ways and become a normal person. If you are wise, you will heed my advice before you find yourself alone and on your own. Dad I couldn't control my emotions as I read the letter. I totally lost it and started swearing and cursing Seth's father. My parents turned to look at me, wanting to know what was wrong. I merely handed the letter to my father so he could read it himself. I couldn't believe that the bastard had actually told Seth that he was going to give him away and have nothing more to do with him. I began to cry again and I moved over next to Seth, kissed him and held his hand. "I'm here for you Seth. I am here for you today and every tomorrow that follows. My father told you before that you are part of our family and I know that he meant that. You can come live with us and we'll take care of you. You just have to get better and we'll take care of the rest. You'll be fine, Seth, we'll make sure of that." My parents had moved around behind me and they each placed a hand on my shoulder in an effort to comfort my enraged soul. After knowing how Seth parents had handled the situation with Seth, I appreciated my parents even more. They sat with me until lunchtime, again buying me something from the cafeteria and, then, bringing it back to the room for me to eat it. After that, they left and went back home, leaving me to continue my vigil over my friend. Sometime around 2:00, I heard someone call my name. I turned around and there stood Jeff and Keith in the doorway, looking like they were afraid to come in. I moved over to the door to greet them. "Logan, we're sorry about what happened to Seth," Jeff began. "We feel like this is all our fault and we don't know what to say or do. We want you to forgive us but we know that we probably don't deserve it, especially now with what has happened to Seth." "You two weren't responsible for this. This was the result of something far more personal, something Seth didn't feel that he could deal with. I know that what you did in the beginning, by letting our secret out to the public, but that wasn't intentional and neither of us held that against you. We were disappointed in how you reacted to us after that but you weren't cruel or malicious so we didn't hate you for that either. If you want to come in to visit, neither of us would object." "How can you be so understanding about all of this when we can't even forgive ourselves? You were our friends and we were responsible for everyone turning against you and we didn't even have the courage to help defend you. We stayed away from you and we never dared to say anything to the guys that made comments about you or told jokes at your expense. We should have told them that they were wrong and that you and Seth were great guys. We didn't and they chased you off the football team and out of school. Even though you don't blame us for our part, we still blame ourselves and we came here to let you know that and to apologize. We also want to know if there is anything we can do now to help." "Your just being here has helped far more than you can know. I think that I can probably speak for Seth also when I say that we accept your apology and we hope that we can be friends again when this is over." I reached out to shake their hands but Jeff grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me to him, throwing his arms around me and encircling me with a hug. Keith joined him and they squeezed the air from my lungs. "I'm afraid that a handshake just wouldn't have said enough," Jeff told me as they broke their embrace. "I think we needed to show you that we aren't afraid of you and that we're willing to be your friends completely, this time around. We won't let you down a second time. "It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't have done that, you know. I mean I wouldn't have been able to hug you like that. I've always heard that gays were bad people and that they do disgusting things with each other. It was easy to believe that when we didn't know anyone like that, I mean to really know someone who was gay and not just be to able to point them out of a group. I've known you and Seth for quite a while, even before I knew you two were gay. I liked you then and I enjoyed your company. You two are smart, good athletes and you're a lot of fun to be around. When I discovered you were gay it just didn't fit in with how I thought gays should be. I think you realized, when you talked with me before, that I was having trouble reconciling those differences in my mind." I nodded to him that I knew what he was referring to. "Logan, I found that it was hard to hate or even dislike gay people as a group when I knew that you and Seth were gay. I liked you guys then and I like you guys now. It just wasn't making sense to me. I hated it when you were having problems on the football team and I've missed you both terribly since you left. Football hasn't been as much fun for me without you guys there to share it with me. The three of us clicked together and it's just not the same with the other running backs. I knew you guys. I knew your moves and I knew what to expect from you. I knew that you'd be there to cover for me if I screwed up and that I'd do the same for you. Football has lost some of its glitter for me since you guys haven't been there. "I used to worry about the showers, too, and I know a bunch of the other guys felt the same way. Then I realized that we had taken a lot of showers together before we discovered you were gay and there weren't any problems then. Sure, maybe you'd sneak an occasional peak at us but we do it with each other as well. Maybe you enjoy what you see more than we do but you've never come on to any of us and you've never tried to force anybody into doing anything with you. I'm not afraid any more and I think I can convince the other guys to get over it too. What I'm trying to say, Logan, is that I've changed the way I think about gays because of you and Seth and I think that others people can change their minds about that also. All we have to do is show them that you two are normal in every other way and that you're not out to convert anyone or harm them. I know that now and we have to get others to realize that too. It will take time but I'm positive that once people give you a chance and get to know you they'll feel the same way I do about you that I do. Please don't give up and please don't quit school or stop playing sports. Don't let a few narrow-minded people change you life and ours because they can't see past the ends of their noses." Jeff, Keith and I hugged again and I thanked them for the kind words and their support. They kept me company for a while longer before they had to leave. I thanked them again before they departed and I was encouraged by their change of heart. I wished that it hadn't taken Seth's act of desperation to bring it about though. I sat back down next to Seth and I watched him as he lay there, wondering what was going through his mind. I hoped that he had been able to understand what had just happened and that he could begin to realize that we were making some progress in our search for understanding and support. I sat there for hours, sometimes holding his hand, sometimes stroking his hair and sometimes whispering in his ear. I wanted him to know that I was continually there for him and I hoped that this might give him a greater reason to fight to get his life back. I was sitting there praying beside Seth when I heard someone clear his throat. I turned toward the entrance and saw a group of guys standing there. I recognized some of them, as Seth and I had played sports with them at one time or another, but some of them were older than us and I had no idea who they were. The leader of the group moved forward. "Logan, I know you don't know me but I'm Justin McDonald. I play on the varsity football team. A group of my friends and I wanted to come by and let you and Seth know that we're sorry that we didn't try to help you when you were having problems at school. Some of these guys played with you on the JV squad but they didn't do any of those things against you. Unfortunately, they also didn't try to stop the other guys from doing them, either. Seeing that we're all black or Hispanic, we know what it's like to be mistreated and harassed by bigots. Just because they singled you out for being gay, it's no different than what people do to us because of our race or skin color. We should have realized that earlier and stepped in to help you. We shouldn't have tolerated or ignored injustice in any form, cloaked in any guise. We realize that now and we wanted to let you know that we'll be more vigilant and more aggressive at stopping this intolerance in the future. I know that it doesn't do much good for you or Seth now but I wanted you to know that something good would come out of your suffering." "Thanks, Justin. I'll remember that in the future. I want to thank all of you for coming by and you can come in and stay for a while if you wish. It might do Seth some good to hear some other voices besides my own." They all came into the room and they talked to each other and to me for about half an hour. When they were leaving, I thanked them again and shook each of their hands. As they walked down the hallway, I had to wonder why it took a tragedy to bring the good out in people. Why did it take something awful to happen before any good could surface? I was still pondering this quandary when my parents showed up with my dinner. I wolfed it down, being hungrier than even I realized, and then I sat and talked with them about anything that popped into my mind. I told them about the various visitors Seth had received and I was just finishing telling them about the black and Latino athletes and what they had told me when another visitor entered the room, one that I didn't want there. "Haven't you done enough already? What the hell are you doing here, anyways? Did you come back to gloat or to make him feel worse? You can ease your conscience, though. You don't have to worry about him any more because we're going to take care of him from now on." My father jumped up and got between us and then he put his hand over my mouth. "He has every right to be here, Logan. Seth is his son. Maybe we should leave and give him some time alone with Seth." "Why, so he can finish the job? I'm not leaving Seth alone with this man for any reason." "You won't have to," Mr. Eldred responded. "I would like Logan to stay in here and listen to what I have to tell Seth. I owe them both an explanation and an apology and I'd like to do it with both of them at the same time." My father looked at Mr. Eldred and then me. I could see that he wasn't sure that he should leave us alone in the room but I told him that it would be all right. "We'll be down the hall in the waiting room," my father told us. "You be able to find us there if you need anything." My mom and dad left the room and I moved to the opposite side of Seth's bed, away from Mr. Eldred. He moved over beside Seth and he began to speak to his son. "Seth, I hope you can hear me because I need to apologize to you and let you know how much I love you. I didn't understand about homosexuals and I was afraid of them. I really thought this was just a phase you were going through and I thought that I could scare you out of it by using tough love. I never wanted to hurt you in any way and I was very upset when I got back from vacation and I found that message from the police on my answering machine. I really do love you, Seth, and I want you to get better so I can prove it to you and make things up to you. "I'm sorry that I mailed that letter. I wrote it on the plane on our way to Miami. I mailed it as soon as we landed and I wished many times afterward that I could have taken it back. While we were in Miami, I ran into a group of gay guys on the beach. I mean I could tell they were gay from just the way they were acting with each other. After I got up the courage, I approached them and I told them that I had a son who thought he was gay and I was wondering if they could answer some questions for me. They were very nice and extremely polite about the whole thing. They went out of their way to help me and they were more than willing to help me understand my son's tendencies. "I asked them why they decided to be gay and they told me that they were born that way and there was no choice involved. That's when I remembered that you had told me something like that, as well. Then, I asked them when they first realized that they were gay. They all said that they knew they were attracted to other boys before they became teenagers. They may not have acted upon those feelings but they knew that they weren't attracted to girls or aroused by them. We talked about a lot of other things, as well, and I knew what I had to do. I was planning to come home and apologize to both of you and tell you that you had my love and my full support. "Seth, I have to make an admission to you. I thought that I could scare you into being straight because I had felt the same attraction to boys when I was your age. I fought it and I started to date girls instead. I found that I liked girls, too, and I had no problem ignoring my other feelings. Finally, I met your mother and we fell in love and our life together has been wonderful. I wanted the same sort of life for you. I wanted you to fall in love, get married and have children. I wanted grandchildren to love and spoil. When you said that you were gay, all of those dreams went up in flames and my hopes from grandchildren vanished in a split second. "After talking to those gay guys in Florida, I began to realize a lot of things about myself. I now know that I'm what you would call a bisexual, which means that I was equally attracted to both sexes. That's why I could live a straight life and suppress my urges for other males. I didn't understand it before that I couldn't have done that if I were truly gay, like you. I'm sorry that I was so ignorant and I'm sorry that I never let myself explore the other side of my sexual desires. If I had, I might not have been so hard and inflexible with you. I'm so very, very sorry about how I treated you and I hope that I'll have the opportunity to make it up to you when you get better. "Seth. Logan. I want both of you to know that I'll support you two and, if you choose to be boyfriends, I'll support your being together as well. I just want you back, Seth. I want to have the chance to make amends and to show you how much that I do care about you. I want to see you grow up and grow old. I want to watch you play sports and have fun. I want to watch you fall in love and be happy. I'm sorry if I've messed things up in any way and I want the opportunity to make things right and show you how deeply I do love you. Please, Seth. If you can hear me, please fight to get better. Do everything you can to come back to us. I'll never be able to forgive myself if you don't get well. I'll always blame myself for my arrogance and stupidity and for trying to handle such a delicate problem with so much coldness and inflexibility. Seth I love you and need you. Your mother loves you and needs you. Logan loves you and needs you. Please try to get better so we can all have another chance at getting this right." He bent over and kissed Seth on the cheek and he gave him a squeeze. I walked around the bed and hugged Seth's father, telling him that I was sorry for my earlier outburst. He told me that I had nothing to apologize for, that I was right in how I felt and that I was completely justified in making my accusations and lashing out at him so harshly. He said that he was glad that Seth had such a good friend, one who was willing to stand up for him and protect him at all costs. He told me that I had been acting in Seth's best interests while he had been thinking only of himself as he tried to protect his wife and him from the gossip and humiliation that Seth's acknowledgement that he was gay would evoke. He said that he had learned a great deal since that first day and, now, his whole attitude concerning our sexuality had changed. I left him alone with Seth and I went down to the waiting room to tell my parents about Mr. Eldred's whole transformation. I didn't tell them about his hidden bisexual tendencies but I told them that he had become more informed about the gay lifestyle and that he was willing to accept us as we were, even if we wanted to be lovers. My parents were quite surprised by this change in attitude and I knew that they were wondering what could have brought about such a drastic reversal. We sat there for a few more minutes before Mr. Eldred came down to thank my parents and me for all that we had done for Seth. He said that he would work with us in the future to do anything necessary to correct the situation and to make life more bearable for Seth and me. My parents thanked him and told him that they were grateful for his change of heart. They said they would cooperate with him in any way as long as it would be in Seth's and my best interest. My parents went home and Mr. Eldred and I went back to Seth's bedside. We sat there throughout the night waiting and watching for signs that Seth's condition was improving. After sitting in silence for a while, Mr. Eldred began to tell me more about his childhood and adolescence. I must admit that I was surprised by how much detail he gave me about his contacts with other males during that period and then, going even further, he told me how he wished that he had been able to accept his own sexual identity. I guess that maybe this was cathartic for him, freeing his soul of all the pent up doubts and regrets he had accumulated over the years. He even admitted that he has always wished that he had been able to pursue sex with other guys, especially as he grew older. He acknowledged that he felt he had missed so much by not being honest with himself over the years. He even confessed that his frustration at his own inabilities was probably the reason that he was so rigid and so hard on Seth. He told me many times how much he regretted what he had done to his son and that he prayed that he would be able to find a way to make things up to him when he recovered. We were still continuing this discussion when the doctor came in for his evening rounds. He asked us both to leave while he performed his examination so we went down to the waiting room at the end of the hall. The doctor was in with Seth for quite some time before he came down to the waiting room to speak with us. "He seems to be steadily improving though I don't understand why he hasn't regained consciousness. He vitals look good, the tests we ran on him showed nothing beyond was we expected and what would be normal for prolonged exposure to carbon monoxide. He said he still couldn't rule out the possibility of brain damage or lingering problems from his inhaling so many toxic fumes. He couldn't give us many specifics about Seth's prognosis but he kept saying that he didn't know why Seth hadn't come to yet. He could find no medical explanation for his remaining unconscious and he told us that only time would tell how Seth was going to make out from his little 'accident'. We both thanked the doctor for his efforts and for taking the time to explain things to us. He said he would be around again tomorrow afternoon and, maybe, he could be more informative at that time. Mr. Eldred and I situated our chairs on either side of Seth's bed, fluffed up our pillows and we both spent the night holding Seth's hands and dozing off for brief periods throughout the night. I said another prayer, asking God to intervene and return Seth to us. I told him that if he gave us all another chance that we'd make sure that we would use it wisely and not repeat our previous mistakes. I prayed for nearly twenty minutes but I did so silently as I wasn't sure that this was something I could do if Mr. Eldred could hear me. This was a private communique, between God and me, even though it concerned Seth. Although Seth's father had been willing to share his secrets with me, I wasn't ready to open up my soul and prayers for his inspection. After finishing my celestial request, I kissed Seth on the forehead, held his hand and stretched out on my chair to sleep. * * * * * * * * If you have enjoyed reading this story, you will find other stories by me at http://www.teenboyauthors.org/thewolf/, in the 'Other Stories' section. E-mails may be sent to: bwstories44@hotmail.com.