Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2003 14:49:44 -0400 From: Geek Subject: Writing Lesson Speaking of things that turn off readers, I'd like to contribute the following list of items in hopes that future stories won't perpetuate them. The objections you listed in the "Memo to Writers" was right on the button; my objections below are of a technical, rather than style, nature. 1. Cliche expressions. "Piss like a racehorse," "right then and there," "180 pounds soaking wet" are just three samples of expressions that sub-standard writers use over and over. Maybe they don't realize how cliche they are; maybe they just don't know any alternatives. 2. Bad grammar. The writer's most important tool is not his word processor, but his language; for that reason alone, he must be well versed in how that tool works -- the grammar of the language. In years of reading Nifty stories, I have come across just about every crime against grammar that is conceivable. It's not "me and John" but "John and I," for example. Ending sentences with a preposition is okay sometimes (many English teachers won't agree with me), but if the verb and the preposition are too far apart (say, 4 words or more), a split verb/preposition sounds (and reads) artificial indeed. In these cases it works better if the writer makes a brief circumloquy to keep the verb and the preposition closer together. One more item: verb tenses. Don't mix present and past tense in the same paragraph. Use past tense to describe events, and present tense when having a character talk. For example, "Kevin is 15 years old and could be considered handsome." Ugh. Here the word "is" (present tense) clashes with "could" (past tense); better put the entire sentence in the past, as in "Kevin was 15 years old and could be considered handsome." 3. Bad spelling. Sometimes I think I'll scream if I see another case of "it's" vs. "its." Or "loose" vs. "lose." Or "their" vs. "there" vs. "they're." I could go on, but why bother? You get the idea already. English is an excruciatingly difficult language to spell, and word processor spell checkers cannot tell the difference between "it's" and "its" because they're both correct. The difference is one of context -- and no computer spell-checker ever invented can apply rules of context. The only machine able to do that is on top of your shoulders. Still, always run your complete story through a spell checker before you submit it. It may not catch every sin and crime, but it is better than submitting a piece of text riddled with errors. Maybe it will catch your "alright" and change it to the correct "all right"! 4. Unnecessary abbreviations. Why write "yo" when describing a character, when the full "years old" is preferable? Same with "lbs" instead of "pounds"; using "lbs" (or even "#") is all right in specification sheets, but I do not believe they have a place in fiction. Common acronyms are another matter. No one (hopefully) will object to using the acronym "FBI" and insist on using the complete spelled-out phrase each time. 5. Bad punctuation. Let's face it: punctuation is important. Using it erroneously can change the meaning of an otherwise well-written sentence or paragraph. Learn the difference there is between an ellipsis (...) and a dash (-). Learn also when to use commas, semi-colons, and periods. Be sure to use single quotes and double quotes consistently; I've seen many cases in which a writer opens a bit of dialog with a single quote and finishes it with a double -- or with nothing. Finally, using multiple exclamation and/or question marks is unnecessary. If there must be emphasis in a character's utterance, such emphasis must be made in the text, before the character opens his mouth. So, instead of "He said, 'Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'" write something like "He exclaimed an enthusiastic 'Yeah!'" 6. Pompous wording. Using complicated or unusual words makes the stories harder to read. The writer's main aim is to entertain his reader -- not to impress him with the writer's erudition and vocabulary power. So, please drop the "oral cavity," "crevasse" and "anal entrance," okay? 7. Bad formatting. Not only the spelling, grammar, and punctuation have to be right, but the writer must also ensure that the text is properly formatted. And I don't mean HTML tags. I mean not letting a paragraph run for half a page, or separating paragraphs in such a way that they can be easily told apart (indenting the first line a few spaces or using double carriage returns are two simple and effective ways of doing so). When writing dialogue, each character's participation must be in a separate paragraph. Never put the words of two different characters in the same paragraph! Since I have mentioned HTML, I'd like to express dissatisfaction with stories written in it. Using HTML means selecting fonts, sizes, colors, variations in emphasis (boldface, italics). Face it: your choices wouldn't be the reader's choices -- each person having his own preferences. Besides, the reader's computer may not have the correct fonts installed, so your specification for your fancy "Hyperspatial Arial" (or whatever) will be ignored by the reader's computer, who may be presented with text in Courier. In any case, I believe it is much better to submit the story in plain text; to emphasize something, surround it in underscores (_) for italics, or in asterisks (*) for boldface. 8. Excessive colorful language. Using expressions such as "Dude!" is, of course, emulating the way teenagers talk and, therefore, are apt in dialog between teens. But it can be overdone, too. Realism is one thing; cacophony is quite another. This also applies to words such as "cuz" and "sup." The drive for attitude-talk is too strong; much better is using "because" and "what's up" instead -- even when uttered by young teens. This objection also applies to dirty language. Someone once said -- quite accurately -- that profanity should be used in text the way spice is used in food. That is, in very small quantities to improve flavor. Excessive use of profanity only succeeds in giving the reader the impression that the _writer_ (not the character!) talks that way in real life. 9. Enough advertising! We, the readers, are already subjected to too much advertising in newspapers, TV, billboards, and junk mail -- both snail and electronic. Reading a story full of advertising is an enormous turn-off. Why go into unnecessary details whose sole purpose is to plug the writer's favorite products? I've seen stories in which the writer goes on and on describing a personal computer in minute technical detail, when a short, generic phrase such as "state-of-the-art computer" would be better. For not every reader is a computer geek and can appreciate the full description. I also object to stories containing detailed descriptions of vehicles, such as including make, year, model, and even submodel. Again, a more generic description fits better; after all, not every reader will know that particular make/model, and the whole point of describing it thus would be wasted. 10. Repetitive wording. Always watch out for repetitions! If every paragraph or sentence in your story begins with "Well," there is definitely something wrong. 11. Bad emphasis. I've already spoken about the incorrect use of repeated exclamation/question marks. Emphasis is routinely made -- at least by some writers -- by excessive use of ALL CAPITAL LETTERS or, if the writer is HTML-savvy, by or tags sprinkled throughout, apparently liberally. Emphasis is necessary, but please don't overdo it. Whether you use all-caps, boldface, or italics to emphasize, don't feel like you have to emphasize every other word throughout your story. Too many emphatic words cancel one another and the result is nil. So, why mention all this? To increase the quality of our stories. Bad writing methods can ruin even the best and most imaginative story. Writing isn't easy. I am not a fiction writer, but I have written a great deal of technical articles for magazines. The fiction writer has an enormous, additional burden. Therefore it's no wonder that expert, prolific writers such as Isaac Asimov (who had some 450 books to his name when he died) find it difficult to write fiction instead of non-fiction. I like to keep the Nifty stories I like as standard word processor files, all sharing the same general appearance and format. In order to do that, I clean up the text I have just downloaded (removing such infelicities as multiple, consecutive spaces), undo all HTML formatting, and then I start applying my own formatting as I read the story, fixing spelling, grammar and punctuation as I go along. Some times, however, the amount of editing I have to do is excessive. In that case I reject the story, entering it into my database but deleting the text itself, and go on with the next one just downloaded. -Ernie P.S.: I welcome rational replies at geek999@earthlink.net. I will attempt to answer to everyone else who writes. Flames, of course, will be ignored.