Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 23:22:34 EST
From: Xenophon99@aol.com
Subject: Untitled Part 5: Finding Me

Disclaimer:

 *  See the first part for the usual disclaimer.
 *  Feed back are all very welcome, the more the better they can be sent
    at Marionette747@aol.com. The title of this part is from Vertical
    Horizon's song's title. Please visit my page at
    http://www.envy.nu/marionette13/

-----------------------------------------------------------

Untitled

By X

Part Five: Finding Me

The next morning was the worst for Christine. She didn't remember
feeling this bad the last time she had a hang over, and she thought she
drank more at that time than the previous night. Groaning pitifully as
she tried to sit up, her head felt as if it was going to fall off of her
shoulders; and if it didn't she wanted to cut it off herself.

Kaeley on the other hand had been fine, and Chris remembered that her
roommate had also been drinking quite a bit.

She vaguely remembered the little conversation they had on the way to the
car and as they pulled out of the parking lot, but she couldn't
remember what it was about, she remembered giggling like an idiot and the
sound of soft laughter from her friend. And now she afraid to ask Kay if
she had made a fool out of herself.

She groaned again, this time louder than before.

"OK, you can stop that now." A voice came as the door was pushed open.
There was Kaeley with a tall glass of water and something else in her
other hand. She came closer to the mattress and sat down beside
Christine, who at the moment was trying to look as pathetic as she could.

"You have absolutely no mercy." Chris mumbled, taking the glass from her
friend and open her palm to take two small white pills.

"Take those," Kay told her. "I made you some soup."

Chris grimaced at the thought of putting anything into her stomach right
now, chances were that she would just throw up and all would go to waste.

"You have to eat." The smaller girl told her firmly, anticipating the
protest.

"I just don't think I can keep anything down right now." She told
her, swallowed the pills and drank the entire glass of water. Feeling
nausea hit her she leaned over and covered her mouth. Lucky for her it
only lasted for a few seconds and she was fine again.

Looking up, she saw her friend hovering over her, getting ready to drag
her into the bathroom had she actually needed to throw up. Her hand was
stroking, moving in a circular motion, soothing.

"I'm OK," finally Chris mumbled, straightened up.

"I'll get you the soup."

Kaeley got up and started to walk out of the room, intending to get the
food in question for her roommate.

What happened the night before was not something she would repeat,
especially the one side conversation that Chris had babbled out
afterward. She would embarrass her, or worse both of them would be too
embarrass to look at each other for quite a while. But then, she
wasn't sure how much Christine remembered.

At the end, when she said that she wished Kaeley would love her...

She didn't know what to do with the information. Not that she
didn't love Chris, because there was no doubt in her mind that she
did. But she didn't know if she should act on it. She wasn't
sure when it had started really, when she first recognized that she cared
for her more than just being a friend.

Was it when they talked almost everyday?

She really didn't know.

She knew that she cared for her, very much, and it hurt when she found
that Chris had been in a bad relationship and couldn't get herself
out. It took a lot of patient on her part to wait and tried to be there
for her, even when it seemed that she was not welcome at times. She
thought about just leaving, to just say goodbye and move on so many
times.

But everytime Chris contacted her she found herself just dropping her
resolve and unable to say goodbye.

After a while when it was more than clear that the relationship her
friend was in was worse than she initially thought, she wanted to help.
But how could she help when she was not asked. She couldn't do that;
she couldn't just go ahead and point out to someone that they have
problem, not when she wasn't sure that they knew it themselves. So
she watched and waited.

And since it was cleared to her that Chris had looked at her as a good
friend, so she remain there, didn't make any move, and made no
sound.

Content herself only to be there for her.

It seemed like a perfect relationship.

From the outside anyway.

And only one way.

Or so she thought.

It seemed that since she had never indicated anything, Christine was
afraid to say it out loud, only when she was not in total control of
herself could she voice her feelings. Which the previous night seemed to
be the first. They were never out to drink until dawn like a lot of
people seemed to do once they out at the club, we would only out to have
fun and only drink just enough to give them a buzz. And of course with
Kaeley being the type that didn't normally drink, which reminded
Chris not to drink too much; they were never in the situation where they
would be speaking their minds and spilled out something they didn't
want anyone to know.

For the past month it had been somewhat a strain, not between each other
but between the world around them and themselves, just because of the
fact that Lizbeth showed up. They had settled into what they thought to
be a perfect setting, everything worked out smoothly. And so Kay never
thought about letting Chris know how she felt. They were good friends and
she would like to keep it that way.

She knew that if she let her friend know how she felt, Chris might feel
obligated to try out the relationship, and if it worked out, then great,
but what if it didn't? If it did not work out they could never get
back to their previous friendship, and that was how Kaeley felt.
Christine was too good a friend for her to lose that way. No, Chris
wouldn't just leave, but Kay could never stay.

She couldn't remember the time that she remained friend with her ex
after they broke up. They both could not stand the awkwardness that hung
between them when they had to take a step down from where they were, to
try to be civil to each other. It was just too much and they ended up
avoiding each other.

She couldn't imagine being that way with Chris, it would've
been too much.

Suppressing a sigh, Kaeley stepped into the kitchen and found that her
friend had followed her out into the kitchen also. She turned around.

"You should stay in bed."

"Kaeley, it just a hang over," Chris smiled at her and went over to the
dinning table and sat down. She looked a little better now, compared to a
few minutes earlier.

Sitting down, she was feeling a bit better now and it seemed that
whatever it was that her friend had given her was starting to work. She
couldn't help a smile and started to spread over her face as she
watched her friend moving about the small kitchen, getting her something
to eat.

She didn't have to wait long before her friend placed a bow of
chicken noodle soup in front of her.

"You want crackers too?" Kay asked, not intending on joining her friend.

"No," Chris shook her head. "Aren't you going to eat anything?"

"Nah, not hungry."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Christine watched her friend curiously; Kaeley looked a little out of
sort today. She wasn't sure what was the cause really, as far as she
knew, nothing had ever been able to disturb the girl. Being the strong
person that she was. And she wondered if it was something that happened
the previous night that caused this in her friend.

Was it something she said?

She knew she said something, but what?

After a few minutes of just watching her friend walked in and out of the
kitchen, into the living room, back and into the bedroom and then back
again, she pushed the bow away from her, leaning back in her chair she
called. "Kaeley?"

"Yeah?" Came the distracted answer.

"Can I talk to you for a minute please?" She silently thanked the pills
that Kay gave her, without them she would've been in the bathroom
floor, depositing what she just took in and she would not have the
present of mind to even notice anything, let alone trying to have a
conversation.

Kaeley walked over the table, hovering over the chair, but not sitting
down. She was dressed in her white t-shirt and pajama bottom, a big
indication that she wasn't going anywhere and quite possibly not
feeling so well, especially when the t-shirt was all wrinkled up.

Even though neither of them were in any condition to be having any
serious conversation Chris knew that if she let this go, she would never
be able to find out, ever. Kaeley was nothing if not composted and
collected in her emotions. Sometimes she wondered what had her friend
been through to be able to keep everything she was feeling in check, let
nothing out and allowed nothing in.

Chris knew that she was the lucky few that Kay ever let this close, she
would love to know what make her that way, why she kept people at arm
length the way she did, but of course there was no way she would be
allowed into that.

"Is something wrong?" She started.

"No, just tired." Kaeley said quickly, still hovering over the chair.

It did not take long for her to schooled her face into the stillness that
it always been. The face that she used to hide everything.

"Did I say something wrong last night?"

Kaeley shook her head, indicated that there was nothing. But Chris
couldn't let that unvoiced answer stopped her from finding out, this
was so out of character for her friend, and from the still look that came
over her face now--slapped on so quickly, like putting on a
mask--something was definitely wrong.

"I said something, didn't I?" Christine pushed. "What did I say?"

"Nothing bad, Chris." Kay mumbled. "You chatted about stuff like you
always do when you're drunk, it was nothing."

"If it was nothing why are you avoiding talking about it like this." It
was not even a question, both of them knew better. "Come on, Kaeley."
Chris pled softly, the dizziness forgotten, as well as the rapidly
cooling chicken-noodle soup.

"You spoke your mind, and that was it." She tried, shrugging it off, as
if the statement Christine made hadn't effected her at all. "It was
nothing." She repeated and turned to walk out of the kitchen, leaving her
friend staring after her.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Kaeley lay back in her bed, staring at the wall in front of her, there
had been some drawings that she put up, but no longer, she took them down
a few days ago. So right now there was only blank wall. She tried picking
up some work to finish up, but nothing came to mind, she kept sketching
the same thing over and over again and it was useless. So she tossed the
notepad on the floor and just stared.

She tried not to think of what she just did, she had never walked away
from the conversation just to end it before. It made her feel a little
guilty. She only hoped that Chris would just drop it. But knowing her
friend; that would never happen. She would only delay the inevitable at
best.

Just hoped that the inevitable would come a little later.

A knock on the door, and she knew whoever she had just prayed to did not
hear her.

"Yes?"

Christine opened the door and went straight to the mattress where Kay was
lying down, back propped up on her pillows. The smaller girl moved aside,
giving her some room and Chris sat down, tucking one leg underneath her,
facing each other.

"It is something I said, isn't it?"

"Chris..."

"You know, you don't have to do this. I think I know what I said
last night," she paused. "But I still can't figure out why it would
upset you this much."

"It doesn't."

"Then why?"

Chris stared at her friend, who was still looking at the empty wall, and
had yet to look at her since she came in. She looked tensed, another
thing that she never really associated with her friend. She reached out
with one hand and placed it on her upper arm, Kay didn't try to move
away or brush her hand off, which was a good sign.

Slowly, Chris moved her thumb in circular motion, hoping that it would
soothe her friend a little.

Finally, Kaeley broke the silent.

"Are you sure you know what you said last night?"

Christine nodded.

"No, it's not what you said that upset me. Actually...." She
trailed off. "I'm not sure why I'm upset."

"Tell me." Chris urged gently, she didn't want to push too hard, it
might just give her the opposite effect than what she wanted.

Since Kay didn't seem to be willing to talk she started; hoping that
it would help getting whatever that was bothering her out. "I said I love
you, didn't I?"

A nod.

"I meant what I said. I do love you, but..."

"I love you, too." Kaeley cut in. "And that's why...I
can't... You are still so confuse about Lizbeth, and you were
drunk, you don't know what you were saying."

Now she knew what this was about, Kaeley had no intention of telling her
about how she felt at all. And it was apparent that she didn't think
Chris felt the same way, despite the words. They were friends and they
would always be friends, and Kaeley did not want anything that would ever
make that change. And to look back on her past relationships, Chris
thought she knew why.

So, Christine spent the next hour telling her friend, and herself, that
there was nothing left between herself and Lizbeth. And assured her of
her feelings and that everything would work out. In doing so she
confirmed to herself that whatever hold Liz had ever had on her was no
longer there, that there would be no more of Lizbeth, no more phone call
in the middle of the night, no more allowing Lizbeth to make her feel
like she responsible for what the other woman did.

And for the first time since she knew Kaeley, she got the chance to see
the crack in the mask her friend wore so well. A place where no one had
ever been to, the emotions she bottled up inside, for everyone
else's sake and not her own.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"What's up?"

"Nothing is up," Kaeley said quickly, perhaps a little too quickly and
she bit her tongue as soon as it came out.

She winced almost visibly as she saw the pointed look from Taylor.
Aw... Kay that wasn't very smart. She thought to herself.

"Alright, spill it." Taylor planted herself in the seat opposite from her
friend, crossing her arms over her chest, her expression made it clear
that she would not move an inch until Kaeley told her what she wanted to
know. Kaeley resisted the strong urge to roll her eyes. She had been in
this position way too often lately. This was getting to be a bit tedious,
with her friend never ending curiosity about her life. Sometimes she
wondered what it was that Taylor really wanted.

Are you trying to get in my head, my friend? She questioned silently.

Then she thought about it, Taylor was one of not so many friends that she
maintained anymore, most of them were too busy or too far away to hang
out or even talk on regular basis, though Kay tried her best, and at the
moment, Taylor was the only one that she could get a hold of at any given
moment. And that counted for a lot for Kaeley.

There were times that she wished she had someone around to ask her if
something went wrong. Someone other than Christine.

Not that she didn't feel close with Chris, in truth she was probably
closer with Christine than she was with anyone, but how could she talked
about what was bothering her with Chris when it was about Chris in its
entirely.

There was no way she would ever do that.

So, the best way for her now was let herself talk about it with Taylor.

"Kay?" The prompting stopped her train of thoughts and Kaeley looked up
at the attentive look on her friend's face.

"It's about Chris." She said finally.

"What happened?"

Taylor straightened her back, knowing that this would required all her
attention, and she intended to give her complete attention to her friend.

So, they spent the next little while talking about Christine and what
happened.

"Wow," Taylor said finally after Kay finished.

"Yeah, wow." Kaeley commented without enthusiasm, she ran both hands
through her short blond hair and let them rested at the back of her neck.
She was tired, and very thankful that she finished her last sketch just
before her friend came in and she hoped that Taylor had finished whatever
she had to do for the day, too.

"So, what are you going to do about it?" The brunette asked, she leaned
forward with both her elbows on the desktop, looking straight at her
colleague.

She had this sinking feeling in her stomach, this confirmed what she had
seen that night that she had been over at Kaeley's place. She had
hoped that it wasn't true and even if it was, neither of them
admitted anything so she thought that she might still have a shot at it.
Apparently, she didn't. And even though it hurt just a little to
know that she had no chance, Kaeley was her friend, and she wasn't
going to say or do anything that would make her unhappy.

"I don't know."

"Why don't you just get together, no wait," Taylor held up a hand to
forestall the protest that she saw coming. "You are already together."

"We're not."

"Oh please, you are just in denial, Kay. Actually you both were in
denial, now that Christine isn't you might as well, stop it."

"You mean I should just take a chance?"

"Well, what have you got to lose?" Taylor shrugged.

Everything, actually. Kaeley thought but found herself considering it
anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Christine woke up with a soft sigh; she didn't know what wake her
really, till she heard the last ring of the phone. She waited for a few
seconds more to be sure that it was the last ring, she did not want to
pick it up, knowing that there could be nothing good from the other side.

She relaxed into the mattress, as the phone stayed silent. Beside her
quietly slept Kaeley.

Chris smiled to herself as she looked down at the sleeping face. She was
surprise that Kaeley did not wake up with the phone ring, then she
remembered what she had been spending the afternoon doing. She rolled
over just a little, so that she faced the smaller girl completely and
holding her in her arms.

It had been almost two weeks since that day.

For the first few days after they had that conversation, it was hard for
them to resume their normal routine, cat was out of the bag, secrets were
out and they were unsure as what to do. But they started spending more
and more time together, calling each other when they had a moment to
themselves. And without anything being said the relationship started.

Chris had a feeling that Kaeley might have been talking to someone,
because even though she admitted about her feeling she was still a little
skittish about it, until a few days later when she got back from work,
that evening her fear, whatever it was, seemed to vanished. She suspected
that the person that talked to Kaeley about it was Taylor, since she
seemed to keep a very small circle of friends. And Christine was very
grateful and made a note that she would invite Taylor White to dinner
someday.

And since they hadn't spent the night apart since then, Christine
having claimed Kaeley's bed as her own too. They were almost
inseparable. Though their agreements were unspoken, as it had always been
that way between them from the beginning.

Pulling the smaller body closer to her own, Chris placed a kiss upon her
forehead, soft breath that had been caressing the hollow of her throat
turned into a deeper one and she knew Kaeley was waking up.

"Hey," Chris said softly.

"Hi," Kaeley mumbled. "What are you doing?"

"Looking at you."

A pair of blurry eyes looking at her quizzically, blinking with
sleepiness. "What is there to look at?" She asked, her voice rough with
sleep. "Me drooling?"

Chris started laughing, despite the fact that she had also been sleeping
prior to the phone call. "You're so cute," she kissed her forehead
again.

"Um..." Kay mumbled. "If you say so."

"Well, I say so." Christine said, pulling Kay up and placed her lips on
hers.

The kiss lasted only a few seconds and they broke apart, then the second,
and the third followed.

They had yet to be intimated, of course, they both wanted to take
everything slowly and jumping into bed and making love would defeat the
whole concept of taking it slow.

So, they had been contenting themselves with a few kisses and caresses.

Perhaps soon.

To Be Continued