Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 11:33:27 +0200 (MEST)
From: Jewel12@gmx.net
Subject: Pity

Dyke-chats are a very special thing. I am not really sure, how much of
these ladies with such wonderful names as "Moonlight", "Rainbow" or
"Strawberry" are really women. If you are not willing to give the number of
your mobile to everyone, you are dependent on little tricks and traps to
find out, if you are talking to a male or a female "Moonlight". Considering
that fact I would guess, that there are 50 % obvious guys (such as
"Jenny_Hot", "cunt_licker" or "BIanca"), 30% real lesbians, which are quite
nervy on the other hand, because their horizon seems to be reduced on
talking about women-power, fighting against "this horrible male-world, we
live in" or whining about the lots of pornography in the net.

Don't get me wrong. I see the problems of a homosexual lifestyle quite
clearly, but in my opinion the easiest way to handle it, is just being a
normal woman, who loves women instead of men. The main problems begin, if
you try to define yourself on something. Then you stand outside and
you'll have troubles with your way of loving.

Back to the chat, where 20% of interest are left. Many of them are unmasked
as men quite fast, but some cases are harder and in one case I made the
mistake to give my mobile number and you may imagine, what followed. Now, I
have a new mobile now and one more experience!

Perhaps you may ask, why I still use this chat, but on the one hand I like
this funny kind of "hide and seek" and on the other hand I am still
hopeful...

This summer I seemed to suceed!

Summer is the time of the big CSD-parades here in Germany, too, and in my
town the biggest takes place. As I showed you my attitude against this
"aggressive lesbianism", you may imagine, that these parades are one
complete horror for me and I use to avoid the city at these days. Instead
of that I visited a crowded chat-room and the parades all over germany were
THE topic that day. I do not make a secret there, where I come from and
everyone I spoke to wondered, why I was at home on that special day.
Discussing was useless because of one or another reason and I planned to
leave, when "Pity" spoke to me. We started talking and I asked her(???)
for the origin of her name and she told me about a hurting seperation from
a loved girlfriend a few days ago. "Oh, the poor, poor little baby thing!",
I thought, but either this guy was very clever or this girl was very
open-hearted, but I had to admit, that I enjoyed talking to her. After 2
and a half hour of very interesting and sympathic chatting she asked for my
mobile number and it was quite difficult for me to deny that to her. She
said, that it was okay for her and gave me her email.

It wasn't that way, that we wrote each other from time to time or something
like that. Somedays there were five emails going from me to her and from
her to me. She lived about 30 miles from me, as I got to know and after two
weeks I was completely in love with her - just from the writing! I offered
her to meet, but then she hesitated. I did not receive a mail from her for
two days and my alarm bells started to ring again. I could not believe,
that there could be a guy, who fakes in such a perfect way and I hated him
for making me happy about him - just for his fun.

Just after I had buried all my hopes, there was a mail from "Pity", which
invited me to a local cafe for the next evening.

I was confused completely! "Pity" had told me, that her real name was Karen
and she had described herself, so that I could be able to find her in the
cafe, but what should I expect there?

I was quite sure, that this "Karen" ,all she should look like, all her
hobbies and feelings she had told me about was a phantom, made by a perfect
male brain and the only thing I would meet at the cafe would be some guy,
who would check me out carefully over his newspaper!

Don't ask me, why I went there although! I did it and probably I was too
afraid of letting this minimal chance pass. Even the posssibility to become
a perfect masturbation model for this tricky man could not prevent me from
going there.

Because "Karen" had said she liked it that way, I chose the casual style, I
use to wear. The good old Levi's, a tight shirt and some simple shoes. I
know, that this outfits is very fitting to the shape of the young sports
student I am, who runs as much as she can in her sparetime. Not that my
face is ugly, but I had been told very often, that it is my slim shape,
which attracts and so I use to underline it, because attracting was the
thing, I had in my mind that day - no matter, who was waiting for me! (I
had calmed my worries about the fake with the thought, that, if "Pity" was
a guy, he would have earned an attrractive look!)

When I entered the cafe ten well-planned minutes too late, I noticed her at
the first moment! She looked the exact way she had described herself to me
and that had been one of the reasons, I was so fascinated by her! She sat
there in a T-Shirt, a plain skirt and white summer shoes - nothing to get
really crazy, but it fitted so perfectly to the person who had been
described to me (and now sat only a few metres ago), that I almost
fainted. She was a little bit shorter than my 5'9" and not as slim as me,
had short blonde hair. That was the frame, which became blurred
immediately, when our eyes met. She had told me about a pair of green eyes
and about the fact, that they are able to catch other people, but that was
nothing but an understatement. They seemed to shine into my heart directly
and don't ask me, how I managed the few steps to her desk. She stood up,
hugged me tenderly and whispered a slight "Hello Jule" into my ear. I was
so happy about the chair I got to sit on, because there was not any tension
in my whole body. And then there was the cut!

Don't ask me, where it came from, but suddenly it was there. The few
moments from the first sight of her until then were the fulfilling of all
my hopes, but now I felt, that there won't be any fulfilled hopes at
all. She was friendly, nice and smiled at me a lot, but I could not get
beyond that. Every shy try to flirt a bit, to use some words with two
meanings was blocked in a friendly but clear way. She showed me through her
behaviour, that there was a borderline, up that I could come but not a step
further.

Although it was a great day and we had a very nice conversation. I accepted
her unspoken wish to keep a certain distance and even if I was quite
dissapointed about that fact, I managed to feel free in her presence.

I did not understand her distance but planned to be patient and let time be
my helping friend and so we developed a quite close "friendship". We talked
on the phone as often as possile and went out together some times. I never
dared to ask her for the reason of her distance, because I knew about the
fact, why she had called herself "Pity", and a broken heart is familiar to
me. Thus I decided, that forcing the things should be the worst to do.

Then a day came, when I was near to her place by random and I decided to
dare a surprise and visit her. She was so nervous, when she opened the door
and saw me and I immediately recognized, that something was wrong.

"Shall I go?", I asked and she hesitated a moment too long.

"Or shall I come in and have a look, what's in there, that makes you feel
so uncomfortable about my visit?"

"Okay, come in!", she said avoiding to look into my eyes.

In her kitchen sat a guy, who was about two or three years older than Karen
and me (22).He looked quite sympathic but at least as uncomfortable as
Karen.

Things were clear to me and I just had decided to leave immediately, when
Karen said:" This is Thomas. He is my brother"

And once again she manged to throw me from one mood into another. The
stone, that felt from my heart had to weigh about a ton, but only a few
seconds later it was put back twice as heavy, because things became clear
to me in a flash!

I could not believe it!

"So Thomas is "Pity" and has been all the time???"

Silence lasted for a few moments, before Karen began to speak.

"It was a joke at first, when Thomas told me, how he got to know you and I
helped him to play his role perfectly. Often I was there too, when you
talked or he wrote an email to you. When he asked me to meet you in
reality, I could not say no, because i was too curious..."

"Curious???", I asked. "You did all that for curiosity?? I hope, you are
content now! Your curious joke was a big success!"

"Jule, I am sorry..."

But I was out of the door and ran as fast as I could. Out of there, out of
this incredible story - knowing that even I would be too slow to run from
that.

The next days were pure horror! I did not answer the phone and immediately
sent every email from them to the trash box unread. After I had had Thomas
on my answering machine (he apologized himself for doing what he did, but
in my opinion this idea came a little late!) I switched it off.

Two weeks I was not available for anyone. There were no emails anymore and
when I switched on the answering machine again, there came no calls, so I
hoped that they decided to leave my peace to me.

A good friend of mine decided to take me back to life and we went out, but
going out with a broken heart is no fun at all and that night I returned
home at about half past two.

As I climbed up the stairs to my appartment, I saw a human body in front of
my door - it was Karen!

I touched her and she woke up. I could see and smell, that she was terribly
drunk and the mess in her face told me, that she had cried a lot. I took
her in with me and laid her down in my bed. Immediately she started to cry
again and between all these sobbing she manged to tell me, how sorry she
was, how much she had missed me and how important I was for her. I was
totally surprised but did not want to discuss this difficult topic with a
drunk person.

"Hey Karen, why don't you sleep here in my bed, while I use my couch and
tomorrow, when we will have managed to kill the cat in your head, we will
talk about all that?"

"I don't want to sleep in your bed!", she answered with a heavy tongue.

"And I do not see any alternative, if you do not want to loose a fortune to
the taxi driver, who brings you back to your place!", I replied.

"You did not understand me! I do not want to sleep in your bed - I want to
sleep with you!"

Bang! There it was.

All I managed as a reply was a nervous laugh and the words "better we talk
about this thing tomorrow, too!"

"You do not desire me!" she shouted. "That's the point and the reason for
your theatre. You are not really disappointed - you only needed an excuse
to get rid of me. I am not good enough for you. A straight girl! What
should she mean to a real dyke, as you are? I..I.." she stammered and broke
into tears again.

"Hey Karen, I think your constitution is not that way, that we should talk
about such important things now", I tried to get some time again.

But she interrupted me and shouted again very loudly. "Look at me! Look at
this body!" And she began to tear down her clothes in the unskilled way of
drunk people. "Isn't that enough to desire? Isn't this body good enough to
dream about at night? Obviously not - obviously not for a dyke like you!
You do not need that. You are so cool and so proud. You can go for weeks
and deny contact to me. You can reject me."

Then she began to imitate me in an ironical way: "So, what should I do with
this straight pussy and her neurotic brother. She was kind of fun, but now
I am not interested any longer, because there is nothing to earn. Straight!
Too complicated! Bye!"

I was unable to say any word and she cried again, when she suddenly jumped
into my direction (in the meantime she was down to her underpants!) and
cried:

"Fuck me! Fuck me now, or I will jump out of the window! Take me, take my
pussy. Here, I'll show you!"

With that she tried to step out of her pants but failed and felt down onto
the bed, where she stayed laying as a stone and sobbing from time to time.

I needed a few minutes to return from my shocked sate of mind and all I
could do was sitting beside her and stroke her gently, for I was very sorry
for her, although she had hurt me so much.

And at that point I made my decision. "If you really want it, you will have
it, but don't you think, that it would be a big waste, if you do such a
fantastic thing in a state of mind, in which you cannot enjoy it as much as
you should?"

A slight agreeing nod was her last action, before she fell asleep and I
went to my couch.

You may imagine, that I did not get one single minute of sleep that
night. I was too excited about the things that happened, and I had to think
about my decision.

At half past seven in the morning I took a sheet of paper, sat down at my
kitchen table and wrote a few lines. Then I adjusted the alarm bell to
8:30, did some preparations in the kitchen and went out. The lines read:

Dear Karen,

Congratulations, that you or perhaps that big amount of alcohol

Managed to let you try to satisfy your last curiosity. You should

Try to become an actor - the role you played last night was nearly

Perfect! If you want to know, how it is to sleep with a woman,

there are much easier ways to achieve that, without breaking

a heart again and again. But anyway - YOU will fail, YOU will

never know, how it REALLY is. Because rule number one says:

Let yourself fall! But you are a gambler. Your rules are tactics and

Manipulation. Sleeping with a woman will be for you as sleeping

With the cold fish you are yourself!

I will be out until noon. If you would like to have breakfast, you

Only have to switch on the coffee-machine and help yourself at

The fridge.

After that I would like you to leave my appartment and my life

Forever!

Julia

Really, I do not remember, where I walked during this hours, but when I
returned it was early afternoon already. Even if my words had been clear
enough, there was a slight hope, a hope without any sense, a hope, that she
might have left a few lines, which made it possible to not hate her as I
had to do.

I was so completely out of control, that I rushed into the kitchen. It was
completely cleaned up and my letter was still on the table. I turned it
around, hoping for some lines on the backside, but there was nothing.

"I thought about a fitting reply quite a long time, but it was impossible
to find some words that would have hurt you as much as your words hurt me!"
There she stood in the door of the kitchen. No smile, no tears, no
expression at all on her face - only one large question mark!

I made several attempts to say something, but I had no real good idea, what
that should be!

Then she moved and I moved , too. We met in the middle and finally - in her
arms - I started to cry and I do not know, how long I cried, while she held
me, stroke my hair and whispered words of love and friendship into my ear.

After I calmed down a little bit, she whispered:

"Don't think bad and as cold of me again, but I cannot be patient any
longer!"

Now it was my turn to look like a question mark.

Her answer was our first kiss. I do not need to tell about the electric
shocks, that ran through my whole body, when our lips met for the first
time. There still was the taste of alcohol in her mouth and this turn-on
was the last thing to kick me over the edge. There was this complete "No
matter"-feeling and we had to interrupt the few metres to the bed a
thousand times to continue our kissing. In bed we did not even manage to
undress completely. I threw myself onto her and tried to bury as much of
her under my kisses while keeping our lust-centres in sweet contact. Our
rubbing made her cum as fast as I never thought a woman could come. I
followed not too much later and then we lay there and we realized what had
happened, what had happened since the day, I got to know her brother in the
chat. It was a little bit too much for her and she started to cry again and
I pleased her and then I cried and she pleased me. When I calmed down, she
licked my ear, while pleasing me and from the ear her tongue started a
wonderful journey over my whole body. That was the end of my calm state of
mind, because I was on fire and I did not care for anything - neither what
it really meant to her nor my neighbours. In my opinion sex without being
allowed to make noises is no fun at all anyway, but that time I acted like
a weird. I moaned, I cried her name, I promised her everything, I even used
this love-word. She lay on top of me and grinded her pussy into mine like a
weird, too. I did not recognize, if she make any noise at all, but later
she told me, that she was completely quiet, fascinated by this volcano. My
orgasm switched off every single light in my head and when I came back to
the world, I noticed, that she was still moving on me.

"I have never seen anything as beautiful as your face while you came!"

Then her eyes widened and she started crying "No!No!No!" until she
collapsed on top of me.

"Dito", I said and we burst out laughing.

Then it was time for thousand questions, but we were interrupted too
often. One of us always was unable to keep her fingers from the other and
so our talking led to nothing, but we did not really care, cause there were
much more important things to do.

When she opened my shrine with her fingers for the first time, it was a
fantastic sensation, because she was alomost shy and insecure, but I led
her without any word and so I climaxed for the third time that day. After a
successless attempt to talk again we only kissed for almost an whole
hour. I have never felt such a sensual play of lips and tongues . There was
always an additional spot that had to be explored and additional moves to
make and additional sensations to feel.

At 10 pm the ordered pizza-boy arrived (an old turkish guy in our case!)
and he was rewarded with a big smack from each of us, only wearing a
T-Shirt. I think he understood, what we were, but although his cultural
background had to make him think despisable about us, our obvious happiness
made him smile.

The pizza got cold, because I tried to lick a spot of tomato-sauce from
Karen's chin. That ended in a long passionate kiss and before I could think
of returning to my pizza, her fingers had entered me again and I could not
wait anymore, to explore her, too. If it had been a competition, I would
have been the winner, but when she started to kiss me again, the heat of
the moment, the taste mixture of Karen and chili-pizza and her eager
fingers made me follow her immediately.

We did not get out of my apartment the next day, too and I never thought
that having sex could be a full time job for two days!

 

Three weeks have passed since then. It has not been as easy as in these
first two days. She is very insecure sometimes and every try to assure her,
that she isn't another kind of human being, just because of loving a woman,
is followed by hard discussions about lesbians and dykes and all that.

On the other hand I fear, that she will regret it and won't be able to be
strong enough, to go her way with me.

But nevertheless we are happy most times and when Thomas had birthday last
week, we gave him a black Sweater with a white writing on it, that simply
says: "PITY"