Date: Sat, 8 Sep 2012 19:09:17 -0500
From: Jennifer Lawson <jnnfrlwsn@gmail.com>
Subject: Requited Longing

Disclaimer: This story is for readers 18 and over. There is no
sex. However, it contains material not suited for younger audiances or
those who can not stomach love between two women. It is loosely based off
my own experience, though I have changed names and exaggerated details. It
has a message and that is most relevant.  Please, enjoy and let me know
what you think of my story at jnnfrlwsn@gmail.com. Please do not recopy to
a webb site or sell to other parties without my written permission.

I was in a crowded room the day I met the beautiful girl. She was so
beautiful that I couldn?t stop staring at her. I mean I just couldn?t keep
my eyes off her. I stared at her so long I memorized her features from her
voluminous brown hair and big, sad blue eyes down to her sexy feet clad in
the cutest sandals. Oh, don?t worry, I made sure she didn?t notice! When I
was sure her eyes weren?t turned in my direction, I was looking at her, and
she was too busy yacking up with her group of friends to pay sneaky little
me any mind.

Any chance I was in the places we frequented together, I was looking for
her. I didn?t know her name and it was many months before I made that
acquaintance, but I was always hoping to accidently be introduced. That
fateful acquaintance was not made for a long time. She never knew I was at
all attracted to her at all and I feared her rejection in the worst way. I
don?t even suspect in any way that she knew that I was looking at her all
those times. Her friends were always around and I was apt to be a loner,
quiet and invisible. At least, I saw myself in that light.

As you see, I didn?t have any friends, but I did have many acquaintances at
the gathering.  The beautiful girl, as I named her seemed to have a hoast
of acquaintances and a comfortable, group of close friends. She seemed
secure, serene and unreachable. In my mind, she was a perfect goddess. To
herself, she was ordinary. I wanted to possess her. I heard women in our
gathering speaking of jealousy toward her. Many men and women sought her
attention and companionship as a friend and lover. She didn?t seem
attached, but I was out of the loop and kept close relationships at a
distance, so didn?t know who was close to her.

Group activity, I would walk through our gathering places seeking this
lovely lady who was capturing my heart more and more. I began developing a
fantasy world around her in which I befriended her and she was a savv for
my lonely days and nights. She would kiss me when I?d cry and embrace me
when I?d hurt. In reality, I would never notice her utter an unkind word to
anyone. She wasn?t capable of conceit, but I didn?t know that. In my
fantasy of her I wanted her to love me, but knew that she could not because
she wasn?t paying attention to me.  Since she wasn?t paying attention to
me, I figured that there was something wrong with me.

One day, I got the attention of, the beautiful girl, and all my dreams and
wishes and desires were fulfilled, so I thought! I followed her around as I
usually did, in my sneaky way, and, bam, she saw me!

She looked at me with those big, beautiful blue eyes, smiled and asked ?are
you lost?, a response I?m used to getting, since I usually look lost.

?I?ve never seen you here before! My name is, Rebecca!

I introduced myself and we made small talk from there.  I told her that I?d
been coming to our gathering, leaving out the obvious fantasizing and
wanting her.  She soon excused herself to return to her friends, after
taking my number and giving me hers. We promised to call each other some
time.

Rebecca and I slowly but surely built an acquaintance. After the gathering
where we were finally introduced, I called her a day later because I was so
excited to begin a friendship. I tried not to sound too excited and hoped
she didn?t think I sounded over excited over the phone. She didn?t seem to
think so. She readily agreed to meet me for coffee the next day. Our
meeting for coffee went better than I could have imagined. It was like a
dream come true for me. She exceeded all my expectations of her. She was
not anything like a shallow, snob who didn?t pay any attention to me like I
would have thought before we were introduced. She did nothing but pay
attention to me. She bought a coffee for me, asked me about my goals and
dreams in life, listened attentively to me unlike my family and x friends,
and showed sympathy when I shared a problem.

When our coffee date was over, she asked me if I needed to go anywhere
else. I proceeded to let her know that I didn?t, which was the truth. My
home was in walking proximaty to the coffee shop. She accompanied me to my
lonely apartment. At the door, she asked me if I needed anything else. I
felt so empty inside and aked so bad, knowing she was about to leave me
after the time we had just spent. She looked into my eyes as mine filled
with tears, with concern and kindness in her big, blue eyes, she asked

??Will you be ok! In the most soothing voice I?ve heard. I felt my ake
vanish on the spot. She placed her soft hand on my shoulder and then
brought her arms from her side around my back. From there, she held me
close to her large breasts stroking my back with her large, soft hands. Her
hands, breasts, stomach and thighs against me felt like a soothing balm for
my lonely, aking heart.  ?You?ll be ok! You?ll find friends and things with
your family will work out! God loves you!!, she soothed, referring to our
earlier conversation.

Then, as quickly as the hug began, it was over.  I knew she was now secure
as my acquaintance and a confidant, but if she really knew of my secret
longing for her, would I lose her?

She promised a future time together and asked me to please call her if I
needed anything. Then, she was off to leave me to my solitude and fantasy
of her. Now, she was safe and locked in my heart. I now had her sent locked
into my memory. Her voice was in my memory as well. Her tender, soothing
caress which would torture me in my fantasies was with me now in my
solitude. Unless she knew of my secret and could accept me, I was done.

After she left, I went to sit in my apartment with my bottles of liquid
courage. They were my constant companions in my solitude. I created more of
a fantasy with the memories of her touch and smell and looks and words and
voice. I made her to be the perfect angel who would save me from my
desperate insanity, I call life.

In the weeks and months to follow, I got to know Rebecca more. She revealed
herself to be a sweet, concerned caring friend. As with most friends I
didn?t let her get close to me for fear of her discovering my secret and
hurting me. The more I knew her, the more I knew deep inside she was a
sweet, caring woman, incapable of vindictiveness or spite. We spent more
and more time together, getting to know one another as friends. She invited
me into her group of friends. However, I never felt the closeness with them
I felt with her. She constantly showed me compassion, care and a desire to
be helpful. Due to my own faultiness and need to hide my secret longing, I
saw Rebecca as meaning to judge me and tease me and hold her unattainable
perfection over me.

In time, all lessons have to be learned.  I have come to conclution after
painful experience that whatever one puts out there, one gets in
return. Rebecca put out kindness and compassion and empathy, therefore, the
same came back to her. On the other hand, I put out self-pity,
self-absorbtion and secretiveness and got what was coming to me.

I was allowed into the circle with Rebecca and her close friends, mostly at
Rebecca?s insistence. She encouraged her friends to accept me, saying that
I was going through some rough patches in life and that I was trying to
find my way spiritually. None of her friends were keen on accepting me, but
mostly they were protective of her. At the time, I just thought they were
all out to get me. Still, I was invited to dinner parties and other social
events. They tolerated me, especially when I had my numerous angry
outbursts because someone didn?t meet my many demands for comfort. Once, I
drank a little more than was comfortable for everyone else, but certainly
not unusual for me and made a bit too much of a ruckus in public. I was
laughing too loud and a bit too friendly with the waitress and rude to one
of Rebecca?s friends. Mind you this was a straight crowd in every sense of
the word. All of Rebecca?s friends were embarrassed and disturbed by my
behavior. However, they were quiet on the way home and didn?t give me any
trouble. I guess they were upset with me but no one said anything. I guess
Rebecca softened the blow. Next time we were at our gathering place, no one
mentioned my behavior. I guess they either let it slip or they had
forgotten about it. In any case, Rebecca was concerned enough to make sure
I got to bed safely and ask if I?d be ok for the night before leaving my
apartment.

Our friendship came to a turningpoint one week after Rebecca and I had
spent a lot of alone time together. I felt our friendship was cementing
into something solid and unshakable and I felt I could trust her to be
there no matter what. I thought she wouldn?t abandon me and would give me
exactly what I craved from her. I didn?t think I was demanding this. I
thought I just wanted her to accept me and love me like I?d never been
loved, but in actuality, I was in a painful place. My fantasy life
surrounding Rebecca was in full swing. I thought our friendship was solid,
but there was this nagging fear that if she knew the secret desires of my
heart, it would crumble. I was so desperate for her love and acceptance of
me that I was willing to sacrifice our friendship and to make her mine at
any cost.

One gloomy night, I couldn?t silence the fantasies that were torchuring me
any longer. I couldn?t understand why I couldn?t have Rebecca the way I
wanted so that she could sooth the ake in my heart. I wanted so desperately
for her to know my secret, to accept me and love me, to wrap her soothing
arms around me, to caress my soul with her soft, warm hands, to heal my
wounded heart and dry my tears. Could she please do that. That was my
tear-filled wish and the longing of my heart, but she was so unattainable
and perfect, I groused bitterly.

On that fateful night, I succeedded in obtaining a bottle of spirits from
an acquainted neighbor and downing it with a little soda. While loaded,
sometime in the early evening, I phoned Rebecca hollering at her about how
perfect she was and unattainable she was. In her concern she raced over to
my apartment with a roommate of hers to sit with me. While her roommate was
out of the room and we were alone, I confessed my secret to her. I told
her, in my drunken slur, while beginning to strip off my shirt, that I
wanted her so bad, in a way that women usually want men. I confessed that I
had been staring at her since before we were introduced. As I started to
take off my pants, she told me to hold up and stop. She got out of the
room, if I can recall correctly and got her roommate. They talked in the
hall for a minute. I could hear them whispering which enraged me. I began
hollering and talking loud. Then, the roommate came into the room and began
hollering at me and calling me names, which made Rebecca cry. She called me
a filthy, predditor who didn?t deserve a good friend like Rebecca who?d
been nothing but good to me. That made me cry. I wailed in my drunkenness
like a self-pitying baby. The roommate ordered me to get my remaining
clothes back on and she got me a glass of water. Somehow they got me in the
car and brought me to their apartment. I thought that at last, I was going
to have my way with Rebecca.

When we got to Rebecca?s apartment, I stumbled inside. They made sure all
alcohol is taken away from me and I was incapable of getting to any
more. The girls got me to the coutch and got me a pillow and some
blankets. Both of them remained subdued, just answering when I rambled out
of my drunkenness. Before they went off to bed I wined for Rebecca to lay
with me and hold me please. I sounded so desperate and winy and
pathetic. She even commented that I sounded pathetic and almost sounded
disgusted in saying so. It was the first time I heard her sounding anything
negative. It stabbed my heart. For the first time I thought of
self-harm. Both girls urged me to stay put and that they would talk to me
in the morning. I tried to keep them with me by asking questions and by
fretting about things that I supposed would happen tomorrow and questioning
them about what I have said throughout the night. They told me that I drank
a lot and that I needed to sleep it off. They ended with, we?ll discuss it
in the morning.

I didn?t sleep much all night. When I fell into a foggy, dazed, drunken
sleep I had nightmares of knives in my heart and spinning in a room. I woke
up sweating off all the alcohol I drank. I felt like I was going to lose my
lunch, I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest, and I felt
sexually frustrated.

The next morning, the light was blinding my eyes, as it came through
Rebecca?s living-room window. I sat up with a pounding headache and
groaned. I smelled coffee and heard someone moving around in the
kitchen. Soon Rebecca emerged.

?I?m going to fix us some coffee! Then, we?ll talk!, She sounded final!  My
heart raced as the inevitable was at hand. I waited for my sentence. I felt
as though I was awaiting my punishment.

As she came in with our coffee, she sat heavily on the chair across from
me. Usually she sat next to me comfortably. This is not good, I
thought. She sighed:

?Well, I don?t know how to start this! She began I knew you liked women,
but I didn?t know you had those feelings for me! I seem to be causing pain
for you and I don?t want to do that!

? you?re not! I tried to argue

?The deal is, you seem very unhappy around me and you depend on me for your
happiness. I can?t be the sole reason for your happiness. I care about
you. I just can?t be the cause of your happiness. I also realize you have
strong feelings for me! I can?t return those feelings!?


?I know.?

?I just think its unfair of you to demand I hold you you and that I satisfy
you without knowing where I stand! I?m uncomfortable with your confession
to be honest! How do you feel about that??

?I don?t know! I?m sorry!

I couldn?t help it, as soon as I heard her words, the water-works began. I
wanted her to hold me but I knew she couldn?t for her own reasons and
wouldn?t. I felt like I lost a girlfriend, but something in my head told me
I?d just created a fantasy. I proceeded to tell her I was upset that we
weren?t closer friends and I wanted to be a closer friend than I was to her
all ready. I began complaining that some of her friends were closer to her
than I was. She explained that those other women had been building a
friendship with her for a long time and that it takes time to build trust
and friendship and that friendship didn?t happen over night. I asked where
did we go from here. She replied that it depended on whether or not I was
willing to accept that we were just going to be friends. If I was going to
keep demanding that we be more than friends or if I kept demanding that we
be closer than we were, it would make her uncomfortable.

Over the following months our friendship declined. My fantasy world
surrounding Rebecca grew. I was so obsessed with her that I stayed home and
either drank or wrote stories about her. Consequently, when I saw her or
spoke to her I wined and complained that she wasn?t calling me or spending
time with me at our gathering places or going out of her way to approach
me. My wining and complaining only served to make her uncomfortable and
want to be around me less.

Over the months, I saw less and less of her until I didn?t see her any
more. I fell into a deep depression from which I almost didn?t survive. I
discontinued my writing. I drank constantly. I watched tv and listened to
music alone all the time. I no longer went anywhere I would see Rebecca. I
became even more isolated and bitter and angry than before. I felt no one
cared and in my world it may as well have been that way. In the end, I was
at the point of suicide. I reached out and called her. She showed that she
cared. Still, only as a friend. Now, it was enough, but was it too late?

I was at the point of drinking very heavily a year after the last time I?d
seen Rebecca. One night, I was so drunk and felt rejected by a lady to whom
I was really rude. Basically, I was feeling like a rotten person altogether
because all of my rottenness was catching up to me. I was at a point where
I wanted to end it and at the same time I wanted help. I called Rebecca to
ask her to bring me to the hospital. I was so drunk that her friends
answered and wouldn?t allow me to speak to her. Several weeks, after
getting out of the hospital, I called her one night. She assured me that
she cared. She said that she?d be there for me and that I didn?t need to
call her for a ride to the hospital in order to test her friendship.

In the places where we gathered, I looked for the beautiful woman, the
woman I wanted, the woman I created. She was an illution. She was a
fantasy. The real Rebecca was trying to show herself to me, but I?d never
let her reveal herself. I was trying to project my fantasy onto her,
therefore, making her my creation and not respecting her, letting her be.

Soon, after my hospital stay, I began attending other gatherings of
friends. I began making true, life-long, lasting friends. I began finding
peace, joy, happiness, freedom. I came out as a lesbian. My start was
painful. I lost touch with Rebecca. She found her soulmate. I was invited
to her wedding. She soon moved away with her husband. I attempted to
contact her a couple of times after her move and eventually lost touch with
her. She has since moved so many times, because of her husband?s work. I?ve
learned to let go of her and move on.

While attending the new gathering place for the first time I met Karen. We
were at first acquainted to help one another overcome similar
difficulties. Over a period of months our acquaintanceship had undergone
many tests. I had very little trust in all people since I had always pushed
people away and isolated myself. Karen was a dominator and used to getting
her way. She too, was accustomed to being alone and pushing people
away. Unlike me, she was more aggressive, could be really outgoing and
charming and was used to people flocking to her. Overtime, Karen and I
overcame our challenges. In the places we frequented, we found several
mentors who had traveled our road before, willing to guide us into being
better people.

Eventually both Karen and I learned to trust other people. We both began
developing more substantial personal relationships with most people. We
have our good days and bad days like most, but we are on a more prosperous
path which brings both of us peace.

Overtime, I found that my friendship with Karen grew as well. We bonded in
a way neither of us could have imagined. We moved from an acquaintencship
born of a need to help and be helped into a comfortable friendship of trust
and companionship. Our friendship extended to the women around us and we
soon had a nice group of friends, not to mention the rest of acquaintences
I had in the outer-circle within the places where we gathered. Where Karen
and I spent time, everyone was connected or had friends. No person was
without friends if he or she wanted friends. I found also that the more I
gave in friendship, the more was given out and the more was returned to
me. I began to gain much in support from the people surrounding me.

One day, it had been a year and a half since I?d known Karen. It had been a
while since I?d thought of my former life of solitude. It had been an age
since I?d thought of Rebecca. It had been that much longer since I?d needed
my liquid courage to suppress the urge to demand a woman?s love.

Karen and I were eating with a group of our friends at a local restaurant.
She and I were laughing and talking. Our friendship was good. It was as
good as it had ever been. I was starting to feel that it was moving into
something special. I had reservations that she was feeling the same way. I
worried about that a little but trusted that our friendship was secure no
matter what. After we were done eating, I asked her if we could have a talk
tonight. I trusted that this was appropriate for us. She placed her hand on
mine and squeezed it, assuring me that this was fine. Later she drove me to
a nearby park. We walked around feeling the night breeze and listening to
the night crickets and frogs. I got a sense that she was as nervous as I
was. She asked if I wanted to sit at a picnic table. We sat across from
each other. Karen has the most beautiful blue eyes and shinyest long blond
hair. At that moment I wanted to run my fingers through her hair. I settled
for looking into her eyes. We clasped hands across the table, beginning our
conversation. This was our custom with deep, heart-felt talks. We both took
a deep breath. I told her that I enjoyed our times together and that I was
greatful for her friendship. She thanked me and told me the same. We told
each other how we felt about each other as friends and shared how we felt
our friendship has grown since we?ve met over a year ago. Karen, being the
more outgoing of us two told me first, I am falling for you as more than a
friend. She sighed. She took her hand away. I didn?t take this personal. I
knew she was nervous. I saw her fold her hands in her lap and start to tear
up. I hope that this won?t hurt our friendship. I?m always thinking about
you when you?re not with me and I know this isn?t just a friendship.
Everytime we?re together, I feel like or fantasize that we?re dating or
going on a date and falling in love. I think or feel I?m falling in love
with you. If you want me to leave you, I will. I did expect her to say
something to that effect, so I wasn?t surprised by my friend. I didn?t wait
too long to respond. Karen, I?m falling for you too, I just didn?t have the
courage to tell you first especially because of my last experience. However
that was different and we both know I was in a different place. I?m not
even that person any more. I am falling for you too and I think about us
dating and falling in love. I feel you could be more than my friend. At
that point I became as happy as a 14 year old girl. I grabbed her hand and
jumped up with her. We ran through the park to find the nearest adventure
to begin on. What we found was a nearby swingset. For the next forty
minutes we took turns pushing each other on the swings, acting like a
couple of kids. Later, after some talking, Karen dropped me at my
apartment. There we had our first kiss. I will say it was passionate. Karen
and I continued to date and grow closer through our dating. We had the
support of our friends. We had our good and bad times as with most couples
in our situation. We went to our perspective families and received little
support from either family for our relationship as they still lived in
another era. Two years into our relationship, we had a commitment ceremony
where all our supporters were in attendance. Sadly, none of my friends from
my old life or family accepted our love enough to want to attend. I did
accept that and so did my lover and wife. Karen and I have grown in our
journey and in our love. Many people support us and our life and home is
filled with peace and joy.  Today, we have opened our home by adopting gay
youth who have been thrown out by their parents. Karen has also been
pregnant a couple of times and we have two girls of our own. We also mentor
ladies and men who are coming to the places where we gather for the first
time and are just as lonely and isolated as Karen and I and many others
once were.