Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:03:01 -0400
From: Rogue Writer <roguewriter@hotmail.com>
Subject: Tidal Wave on a Blind Date

Tidal Wave on a Blind Date
By Rogue Writer

(F/F, oral, anal, masturbation, angry cab drivers, perverted subway riders)

NOTE: I know this is long for a one-part piece.  For a while I considered
breaking it up into two parts, but as I patrolled the story for a breaking
point nothing screamed at me.  Not even a 'maybe here' or a 'this could
work'.  You might disagree and find that perfect place, and maybe I worried
too much about finding a perfect place.  But I also worried about breaking
the flow and energy I feel the story has from start to finish.  Either way
I just wanted to let you know that I tried.


DISCLAIMER:  Don't do anything stupid because of what you read here.


5.

Normally I'm relaxed on a Friday because it's the start of the weekend, but
this one was very different.  I couldn't decide if I was more excited than
nervous or more nervous than excited.  Some would say it's easy to tell
because one has positive feelings and the other has negative feelings, but
they both have many of the same sensations, and when you're switching
between the two about once every four minutes it can be hard to tell which
one is more predominant.  Unfortunately things at my job were so uncommonly
slow that I wasn't provided much distraction.  Even worse, the two people
who knew I was going on a blind date kept coming over to my cubicle.

"The amazing Miss Wang," Marcus announced as he put a folder on my desk.
"You excited about tonight?"

"Are you kidding?  This is my first date in almost two years.  The other
day I got excited when a woman on the subway started eyeing up my shoes."

Later when Gwen came over I was busy holding fingers to my wrist.  "So
Gretchen," she asked.  "You nervous about tonight?"

"Jesus Christ Gwen this is my first date in almost two years."  I held out
my wrist to her.  "Try and find a pulse, I think I'm having a heart
attack."


4.

So things weren't much better by the time I left work.  At five o'clock the
streets of Manhattan are teeming with working stiffs like me, on their way
to happiness, sorrow, boredom, or in my case, nervous excitement.  When I
first moved to the city I thought I would miss having a car, but as it
turns out navigating the busy sidewalks is no different than driving on the
street – there are several lanes of traffic on any sidewalk and you have
to pick a lane otherwise you get into a collision.  Then the guy in front
of you is moving too slow, probably talking on his cell phone, but suddenly
you see an opening and you switch lanes and speed up.  Luckily running red
lights at the crosswalk is more acceptable if you're a pedestrian.

I took the subway downtown and started walking the four blocks to my
apartment, trying to get home as quickly as possible.  The date was
happening at a hotel bar in Midtown at seven o'clock and I had plenty to do
in the next hour and forty minutes.  I needed time to shower and get
dressed.  I also needed time to catch a cab rather than take the subway,
since the train involved more walking and a cab could drop me off right at
the bar.  And finally, I needed time to fret over every single thing that
could go wrong.

Suddenly there was a loud boom.  I slowed down, because if I stopped I'd
have been run over, and looked around nervously for the source.  Ever since
9/11 a sound like that makes me freak a little.  I wasn't alone either; it
was in the eyes of others around me and some of them were looking around
too.  As the sound of the boom rolled away into the sky, I felt a drop of
water on my face.  Looking up at the steel gray clouds I took my umbrella
out of my bag thankful that it was only nature.


3.

I was no longer thankful it was only nature by the time I turned down my
block.  Those first few drops turned into a full-on downpour, and despite
my umbrella I was soaked to the bone.  This wasn't the type of rainstorm
where you merely seek cover; this was a 'start building an Ark and grab two
of every animal' rainstorm.  When I got into my apartment I found the only
animal I'd acquired so far, my black cat Angus.  He was lounging atop his
perch on the cushioned seat in front of my makeup table, King of the
Apartment.

I kissed him on the head and proceeded to peel off my clothes and jump in
the shower, where the warm water felt so good compared to the cold October
rain outside.  Afterwards I put on deodorant, covered myself with a new
body spray that made me smell like a peeled orange, and put makeup on my
face.  Most of my facial features reflect my Chinese father, and I usually
joke (mostly to my therapist) that all of my mother's German features are
on the inside of my head.  I fiddled with my mop of black hair until,
hopefully, it looked like I hadn't fiddled with it at all.

All during this time I tried to keep my mind off of what could go wrong
tonight, with mixed results.  This was my first date in almost two years.
It had been a voluntary sabbatical, for several reasons.  First, my last
relationship ended as badly as a relationship can, second, the lesbian
dating scene in New York City is smaller than you think, and third, I hate
having to go through a whole night of effort only to discover you don't
like her or she doesn't like you.  The first reason was the strongest, but
the second came in a close...well, second.  After dating more than six or
eight lesbians in this town, the next girl you date has probably been with
one or more of your ex-girlfriends.  These exes tend to mention a few
things about you that they liked, and then blab plenty about what they
didn't like.  Imagine you're on a first date, and then suddenly she
realizes you're 'that' girl, the one she heard has odor issues, or is cheap
or controlling, or is cheap and controlling and has odor issues, or, worst
of all, cheated on them.  Suddenly your new relationship is over before it
started.

Only two things kept me feeling good about the date.  One was the red dress
I found in the window of a small boutique on Mott Street, which was a nice
combination of subtle and sexy, cut just enough in the right places to make
people say, "Look at that..." without the next words being, "...what a
slut!"  This was important for me, because after feeling like crap about
myself for the last two years I wanted to look good and feel sexy.  The
other thing is that I finally have a chance to wear my lucky dating anklet
again. I put it on and looked at it, a simple gold chain around my left
ankle.  It had been giving me good luck on dates for years, which I would
need if I ever hoped to have sex with a real live woman sometime soon
instead of the electronics I've been using.

That's all it took to get me thinking about sex, that and looking at myself
naked in the mirror.  It's the most live nudity I've seen in almost two
years.  I'm pathetic.  Suddenly I jumped on my bed and reached underneath
to the box that held my sex partners.  Opening it up, I took out a clitoral
kiss, a vibrator, a set of anal beads and a bottle of lube.  I lubed up the
anal beads and then put a glob on my finger, reached under my butt and
fingered my rosebud until it opened up, sticking my finger all the way up
there and then fingering myself until I popped in the anal beads one by
one.  While I did this Angus gave me a look that said, "This again?"  I
used a fresh towel to wipe off my hand and then I slid the clitoral kiss's
ring part over my finger and started it up.  Spreading my lower lips with
my fingers, I started moving it over my love button and moaned.  I took my
other hand away from holding my lips open and tweaked my right nipple,
pinching and pulling at it.

Angus probably got tired of watching this spectacle again.  He jumped down
off his perch and left the room.  I brought my hand back down to hold open
my lips again, and a few moments later tweaked my nipples again.  Then I
reached over to the night table and grabbed two clips.  They were nipple
clamps, but with soft, rounded plastic edges, so they would keep pressure
on my nipples without hurting.  As I clipped each one on it increased the
sensations coursing through me.  I was going good and strong at this point,
so I grabbed the vibrator and brought it to my now soaked crotch.  After
rubbing it around to get it lubricated, I started slowly sliding it into my
hole.  I let out a load moan as it slid in, and then let out a gasp as it
got to the innermost point.  Bringing it back out slowly again, and then
increasing the speed as I pushed it back in.  I took away the clitoral kiss
for a moment and then put it back, teasing my nub and making sure I didn't
over stimulate it.

I felt the orgasm coming, so I left the vibrator halfway inside me and
grabbed the end of the anal bead string.  I brought the clitoral kiss up
just enough to where it was just teasing my clit, and that was it.  As the
orgasm exploded inside of me I started rocking hard back and forth on the
bed, and that's when I slowly pulled out the anal beads.  I cried out as
the added sensation doubled the power of my orgasm and kept it going until
the last bead moved past my rosebud.  A few last spasms rocked my body as I
lay there, a quivering pool of flesh and nerves.  My breath was coming in
ragged gasps, but as I lay back to catch my breath my eyes caught sight of
the clock.  Holy shit I was going to be late!  Not a great first date move.

I started to put my dress on, but in my rush I didn't unzip the back far
enough and got stuck with it halfway over my head.  That's right when the
phone rang.  "Crap!" I yelled out.  Blindly stumbling over to the handset
sitting on the floor, I used my toe to deftly stab the 'Speakerphone'
button.

"Hello?"  I started struggling with the dress some more.

"Hey sweetie!"  It was my friend Olivia, who had set up tonight's date.
"You getting ready for the big night?"

 "Well," I grunted in frustration with the dress still over my head. "I'm
halfway dressed."

"Great!  I can't wait for you two to meet!  I just know you and Josie are
going to hit it off."

"Can I get that in writing?"

"Guaranteed results sweetie."  Then she quickly added, "But no returns and
no money back.  And if tonight's meeting results in a long term commitment,
then you, heretofore designated the date-ee, assumes all risk of heartbreak
and emotional turmoil as a result of said commitment."

I stopped struggling.  "Okay, you've been doing contract law wayyy too
long."

"Rule number one, always cover your ass."

"And what a cute ass it is."

"Hey!  No flirting with the straight girl.  Stay in your silver star
lesbian corner."

"It's gold star silly.  Girls only.  And I was just giving you a
compliment."

"Oh please give'em!  Justifies the gym membership.  But you've got a date
with one of your own tonight, so eyes on the prize sweetie."

"And exactly how did the straight girl find another gold star lesbian
anyway?"

"That's rule number two, always keep industry secrets secret."

"You're in the industry of mating lesbians now?"

"I think every person on this planet deserves romance."

I finally got the dress onto my body, but despite the clothing I suddenly
felt a chill.  It was the feeling that had been haunting me for these past
two years.  "I'm not sure I deserve romance..."

"Oh God, not this again."

"I'm just not sure I'm ready to get back out there."

Olivia was silent for a moment.  When she spoke again it was in her serious
tone, which meant she wasn't looking to hear any bullshit. "Sweetie, did
you join a convent since the last time I saw you?"

"No."

"Then you're ready!  You are beyond ready.  The sex toys under your bed
would scream that you're ready but they're too damn tired."

"I know, I just..."

"Gretch, it's been almost two years.  I think it's time to move on.  Don't
you?"

I remained silent.  Finally Olivia asked "I gave you Josie's cell phone
number, right?"  Which meant the pre-date jitters part of the conversation
was over.

"Yes Miss Overly-Competent."

"Oh wow, look at the time!  You'd better hurry up or you'll be late!  Don't
want to be late on a first date."

"Well if I wasn't on the phone..."

"That reminds me, after you guys part for the night I want a phone call."

I smiled.  "I thought this was guaranteed results.  Why do you need a phone
call afterwards?"

"Not because I'm looking to confirm how it went, sweetie.  I just want to
gloat and hear that you'll buy me drinks forever."


2.

By six twenty-five I was out the door.  It was still raining, but this was
no longer an apocalyptic downpour.  The drops were coming down soft and
steady and my large umbrella kept me dry.  The sun was down and my long
coat was buttoned against the cold as well as the rain.  I'd opted for calf
length black boots to get me around the huge puddles of water that always
collected at the corners during a big storm.  And there were plenty of
them.  The streets were full of water and every corner had a miniature lake
around it.  I walked to the end of my block where Eighth Ave would give me
a straight shot up towards Midtown.  All I had to do was catch a cab.

Of course every cab that passed was already occupied thanks to the rain.
Into my head came the thought that this was a sign I should call off the
date, but I quickly dismissed it as the thinly disguised fear I'd been
feeling before.  I considered calling Josie to let her know I might be
late, but I didn't want to hit the panic button just yet.  So I gave it a
few more tries, then gave up when I looked at my watch and saw it was six
forty-three.  A cab was no longer an option.

I walked a block, took two flights of stairs underground and hopped on the
E train.  It wasn't until the doors closed that I remembered calling Josie.
No signal down here.  I'd have to wait until I got on ground level again.
The subway car was packed and I unbuttoned my coat to keep from sweating.
It was standing room only, and bodies bumped up against each other as the
train rocked around a bend.  That's when I felt a hand grab my ass.  He was
slow compared to all the other times I'd experienced this, because I half
turned and whacked his hand with my closed umbrella.

"Ow!" he yelled.  He was around forty, with a big, meaty face and wearing a
baseball jacket.

I looked right at him and said, "Scumbag."

The idiot didn't even try to deny it, just stared at me for a moment before
he turned and pushed his way to the end of the car.  A woman around my age
smiled and said, "Nice one."  She'd probably experienced it herself.  I
smiled.  It's rare when you can catch a perv doing that.


1.

Two minutes after seven I was climbing the stairs to the sidewalk.  It was
still raining.  I didn't stop to button my coat, just opened my umbrella
and proceeded to walk briskly.  Now I was already late and had to cover two
blocks to get to the bar.  If it were two blocks going north or south I
wouldn't complain because those are average length blocks, but I had to go
east to west and those blocks are two to three times longer.  Making things
even worse were the aforementioned corner puddles that required six strides
just to get around.  One was so big that I christened it 'Piss-Me-Off
Lake'.  While waiting for a red light at the next corner I remembered about
calling Josie.  Shit!  I started fumbling through my purse for the phone,
and that's when I heard a horn honk.  I looked up and saw a cab coming at
high speed.  The wheels hit the mini lake in front of me and sent up a wall
of water the size of a tidal wave.  It was one of those moments where time
slowed down, and for some reason I can never move any faster in these
moments.

When the wave hit it covered every inch of me: my legs, my dress, my face,
my jacket, my hair...everywhere.  I was soaked.  If I'd closed my coat when
leaving the subway I would have spared the dress, only my hair and makeup
would have been screwed up and those would have been fixable.  But the
dress was drenched, and I had turned into a walking puddle.  I stood there
frozen, my mouth agape, my brain trying to process what had happened while
at the same time trying to deny it.  I wanted to scream at the top of my
lungs, but nothing came out of my mouth except a little bit of water.


0.

I found refuge under the awning of a Broadway show, Spring Awakening, oddly
enough.  It was time to call Josie and cancel the date.  Obviously this
wasn't about my fears anymore.  And yet, I couldn't help feeling a bit of
relief as I dialed her number.

"Hel-lo." Josie answered in an almost singsong voice.

"Is this Josie?"

"Yep.  Is this Gretchen?"

"Yes.  Listen, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cancel.  I'm really,
really sorry."

Josie chuckled.  "That's okay.  At least I got to meet Dan here.  Say hello
Dan."

I heard a muffled "Hello."

"Dan's in town for a convention and he bought me a drink before I could
tell him I only date the same sex.  So now I have a chance to buy him one
back."

"That's good," I said, my voice garbled as I swallowed and tasted more of
the street water in my mouth.  "Again, I'm so sorry about canceling."

"So, uh, when do you want to reschedule for?  How's tomorrow night?"

"Oh shit!" came out of my mouth as a cold wind blew and chilled me to the
bone.

There was a pause.  Josie asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm all wet."

"Huh?"

"It was a tidal wave."

"Hang on, what happened?" she asked.  "And what's that noise?"

I hadn't realized my teeth were chattering.  The cold didn't seem so bad
when I was dry, but now that I was dripping wet it felt like I was standing
inside of a freezer.  I explained that to Josie, and what led up to it as
well, finishing the story with, "Ten minutes ago I smelled like an orange
peel and now I smell like a sewer."

"Where are you now?"

"About a block away on Thirty-fourth.  I'm sorry, but there's no way we can
do this tonight.  I've got to go home, if I can catch a cab."

"You stay put.  I'll be there in a few minutes."

"No, wait," I protested, but I realized she'd hung up and I was only
talking to my cell phone.  "Aaarrrggghhh!!" I growled.  This had to be the
worst night in my life next to the time a drunken ex-girlfriend threw up on
me during sex.  Part of me wanted to leave, standing her up seemed more
favorable compared to having her first visual impression of me reminiscent
of the last wet cat she saw.  But another part of me felt so defeated I
couldn't even move.  A fleeting idea to find a mirror and fix my hair and
makeup was met with hugging myself harder and starting to cry.  I thought
about the last two years of my life and how pathetic I'd been.  Going out
and getting drunk with friends or staying at home and watching TV with my
cat, anything to avoid thinking too hard about Elizabeth and how that all
ended.

A car horn pulled me out of my thoughts.  I hadn't noticed the cab that had
pulled up to the curb.  The window rolled down and a blonde haired girl
stuck her head out.

"Gretchen?" she asked.  I nodded and she smiled.  Actually 'smiled' doesn't
cover it.  Her whole face lit up, and it was a face that conveyed plenty.
It expressed warmth, compassion, joy, and little bit of mischief.  She
opened the door and said, "Come on!"

I hesitated.  No, I was stunned.  Rendered immobile by how much just seeing
her face had affected me.  My teeth were no longer chattering, and suddenly
I realized I wasn't so cold anymore.  It took a moment to deduce the cause
– my pulse was racing at the mere sight of this girl.

Finally I moved and got in the cab, across the seat from Josie in the
flesh.  Her facial features had a Nordic quality, her pale complexion only
colored by a few freckles on her cheeks, her lips were full and inviting,
her eyes big and blue and warm.  Even in the dim light she looked
incredible.  She said, "Are you okay?"

At the same time the cabbie turned and asked, "Where you ladies going?"

I looked at him.  "Did you drive past here fifteen minutes ago?"

"Nope."

"Well one of your buddies did, and if I ever find him I'm going to kill
him.  Probably by drowning."

Josie said, "So that's a 'no' on the okay question..."

I turned to her.  "I'm sorry."  I started fixing my hair, regretful of not
finding a mirror.  "God I must look like hell."

Josie smiled and said, "Actually you look cute."  Once again her face and
the smile that sat on it took my breath away.  Now I could actually feel
that my pulse was racing.

"I look cute?"  I smiled and held out a lock of wet hair.  "For what?  A
drowning victim on that Law & Order show?"

She paused, and then said, "For my date.  I've seen dry women who don't
make me swoon like you do."

My jaw dropped open and I sat there as frozen as when I was waiting for
Josie.  She turned her head away with a sheepish smile on her face.
Finally I said, "I'm not sure if I should say thank you or offer my first
born."

Josie laughed.  "I'll take the thank you.  Not interested in kids."

"Me neither, but I'd have one if you were."

"Ladies," the driver said, "this is all very fuckin' sweet.  But I'm losing
out on fares.  Is there an address I can take you to?"

I said, "Yeah, it's-"

Josie broke in, "Just head to the West Side Highway.  I'll guide you from
there."  She looked at me.  "No arguments."

Not that I would have.  That smile, her face...I'd have gone anywhere.


1.

Anywhere turned out to be a factory-turned-condos building on Washington
Street.  I paid the fare despite Josie's arguments, and when we got out of
the cab I could see that Josie was around my height, about five foot six.
Inside the foyer I felt like we'd moved into another dimension.  The
building entrance and hallways were well lit and paneled with blonde wood
that looked new, and the place looked like it was cleaned and vacuumed very
often.

"Nice place." I said as we rode the elevator to the tenth floor.  "Can't
imagine what they rent for,"

"Me neither.  I'm apartment sitting.  In a month I'll probably be squatting
again."

Her last statement prompted so many questions that I decided not to bother.
Something told me I'd have plenty of time with Josie to find out all about
her.  When we got to the apartment Josie pulled out a key chain with at
least twenty- five keys on it, all of them with color tags or tape with
writing.  I'd have to ask about those too...but later.

The door opened to a brick lined living room with a ceiling at least
fifteen or twenty feet high.  There was a U-shaped sectional couch, a
coffee table the size of my bed, a stereo next to a CD rack, a bookcase,
and a huge flat screen TV mounted to the wall.  On the opposite wall there
was a huge window, and despite being only ten stories up we could see over
some smaller buildings before the view was blocked by a much taller one.
The other two walls were covered with framed movie posters.  Some of them
were classics but most were for more recent films of the B grade horror
variety.  As we walked in I said, "Owner's a big movie fan."

"Actually she works in the movies.  Special effects.  She's on one right
now in the Canadian woods.  Won't be back for another month."

"And she pays you to watch her place?"

Josie made a face.  "She doesn't exactly pay me...it's more like a mutually
beneficial situation."

I smiled.  "Uh huh."

"It doesn't involve sex!  You have got a dirty mind hiding behind that
innocent face.  No, we met at a gallery opening and she liked one of my
paintings.  We got to talking and I mentioned that I was between places and
voila!"

My eyebrows rose.  "You're a painter?"

The smile came back and her face practically exploded with glee.  "Oh yes!
Painting is my passion and my career.  I don't make shit for money, but I
love it and I'm not going to stop, even if I don't..." She made quotation
marks with her fingers.  "Make it."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, that dammed feeling that I wasn't ready for this
came back over me.  It was followed by an overwhelming urge to make an
excuse for why I had to leave.  And that's when I heard panting.  Up walked
the cutest little dog I'd ever seen; so small and compact it could almost
fit in my hands.  It looked up at me with the saddest little eyes.

"Oooohhh!" I squealed.  "How cute!"

Josie kneeled down and started stroking the dog's hair.  "This is Fearie,
she's my little sweetheart.  Aren't you?  Aren't you my little sweetheart?"
She kissed Fearie on the nose.  I knelt down and Josie said, "Say hello to
our guest little Fearie."

I reached out to pet the precious dog, and just as my hand got to her head
Fearie showed her teeth, uttered a deep growl that sounded like it came
from the pit of Hell itself, and started barking at me with the viciousness
of a dog eighty times her size.  Suddenly I was back on my feet.

"It's okay," Josie said with a smile on her face.  "Fearie just likes to
play around."

The dog lunged as I reversed until my back hit the wall.  At this point
Fearie wasn't exactly barking and not exactly growling, she had somehow
combined the two into a sound akin to a hellhound on its worst day.  She
looked at me with these dead dark eyes that seemed to swallow the light
around them and gnashed her teeth at me like she was showing off the tools
she would later use to peel my skin off.

Josie got up and calmly walked into the living room.  "Don't worry, her
bark is worse than her bite."

I wasn't exactly comforted by that thought.  While I don't know much about
dogs, of one thing I was certain – if Fearie had the chance she'd climb
up my body and chew my face to shreds, stopping along the way to rip off
one of my breasts.

Josie put her keys on the table and said, "Fearie!"

The little dog turned and ran towards her owner.  Josie leaned down and
petted the now docile animal, which licked Josie's face with tenderness.
As I stood there waiting for my heart rate to drop below a thousand, I was
dumbstruck at how oblivious Josie was to the lethal nature of her dog.

Josie looked up from her 'sweetheart' and said, "I can imagine you want to
get out of that dress and take shower."

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Josie pointed down the hallway.  "It's down there at the end.  Feel free to
use the shampoo and soap and stuff, it's all mine.  I'll go get you
something dry to wear.  And prepare yourself for the bathroom, it's a
little weird."  She didn't explain anything beyond that.

Weird didn't cover it.  At first everything seemed normal when I opened the
door and was greeted with an old style bathroom, all white with a claw foot
tub that doubled as a shower, tile on the floor and halfway up the wall
until paint finished the distance to the ceiling.  What stopped me was the
shower curtain.  It was opaque white with the silhouette of a matronly
looking woman holding up what looked like a large kitchen knife in striking
position.

I looked down.  The rug was black with a strange white line pattern on it,
and it took me a moment to notice that said pattern was in the shape of a
human body, like how police outline the dead ones.  This was starting to
freak me out.  For a second I considered skipping the shower, but things
were going good with Josie and if they started getting better the last
thing I wanted was to literally smell like a New York City street.

When I shut the door something behind it caught my eye and I jumped.  It
was another framed movie poster, Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho'.  Suddenly the
freak show bathroom made more sense.  I climbed out of the dress, which was
even harder than putting it on because now it was wet, then looked at the
curtain and felt a moment of trepidation as I pulled it aside...and found
nothing in the shower but a shower.

I made the water hot and stepped under the stream for my second shower in
so many hours, and this one felt better than the first.  My shoulder
muscles relaxed for the first time in...well days I guess.  This date had
had me so nervous, so stressed out that I didn't realize how tense my body
had become.  The shampoo and conditioner were way off-brand stuff, so cheap
that after I washed my hair I realized I needed to do it again to get the
smell out.  I felt bad for using so much shampoo, and that made me think
about Josie.  She was an interesting character.  A starving artist who
probably lived hand to mouth and kept a ferocious yet travel size animal.
Even though I'd only been around her for about an hour I sensed so much of
her personality...forceful yet understanding, tough yet sensitive, with
equal doses of sweet and sexy.

Without even thinking about it, my hand had slid down to my pussy and my
fingers started playing with my wiry black pubes.  I thought about what it
would be like to touch Josie's skin, to kiss her on the lips, to wrap my
arms around her body.  A finger slid over my clit as I continued to
fantasize.  Josie's tongue slips into my mouth, my hand slides over her
breast.  She slides the straps of the dress over my shoulders and I rip
open her blouse and send buttons flying everywhere.  Her bra is red and
lacy, fitting with her personality.  She pulls away from me and stands up,
unbuttons her pants and slides them off, revealing a red thong.  Josie
smiles that smile again and I melt again.  Then she goes to take off the
bra and panties and...what does she look like naked?  I open my eyes, look
around, and think about how Josie stands naked in here everyday.  That
turns me on even more.

I cup my right breast and squeeze as I slide a finger inside my hole.
Moving it slowly in and out, I close my eyes and imagine Josie standing
here, washing her naked body, maybe even masturbating like I am.  My thumb
and forefinger pinch a nipple as I slide another finger inside, moving in
and out and twirling around.  The more I think of Josie, of her smile and
her face, and not to mention her imaginary nude body, the harder I start
pumping in and out of myself.  I put a foot up on the side of the tub and
bring my other hand from my breast down to my clit and massage it back and
forth.  I imagine Josie is the one touching me, stimulating me, first with
her fingers and then with her mouth.  Low, deep moans begin emanating from
my throat like mating calls.  Now I'm right on the edge.

Suddenly I hear a click.  I open my eyes and look around to see if
something fell.  As my vision sweeps the tub and comes towards where I'm
standing, they see nothing, nothing but me with my fingers in my crotch.
That's when I really start to think about what I'm doing – masturbating
in a stranger's shower.  Even worse – masturbating in the middle of a
first date.  My shoulders slump at the thought of how pathetic I've become.
And that's when I hear something again, an indistinguishable sound just
outside the shower curtain.  It's really hard to make out over the sound of
the running water.  I get really quiet and strain to hear something,
anything.  There!  Again, like a rustling sound.  I couldn't see beyond the
opaque curtain with the oh-so-not-helping image on it of a woman with a
knife.  Maybe it was Fearie the Mad Dog here to rip off my face?  I didn't
want to ask who was there, because if it was Satan's hound she might
attack.

Somehow I found the courage to inch towards the edge of the curtain.  I
pulled it back just enough to peer around it.

"HEY!"

I screamed.  Josie screamed.  She stood there holding my dress.

"Wow you're jumpy!" she exclaimed

"In this bathroom, yes.  I heard noises."

"So did I."  Her face held no indication that she knew what I was doing.
"Just wanted to tell you that I'm going to hang up your dress to dry.  I
was going to throw it in the dryer, but it's dry clean only."

I looked at the dress and said, "Stupid dress."

"I left you some clothes too.  Hope you don't mind PJ's, but I figured we'd
get comfortable."  Josie pointed at the pile of clothes sitting on the
toilet lid.  That's when I noticed she wasn't wearing her date clothes
anymore.  She'd changed into a white T-shirt and blue plaid pajama pants.
Her feet were bare except for a gold toe ring on her right index toe.  On
the T-shirt was printed, "Nobody Knows I'm A Lesbian".

"I'm in love with comfortable."

She smiled.  "Good.  Interested in ordering some take-out?"

"That'd be great."

"Cool, I'll get out some menus.  Sadly the Italian place around here sucks,
but there are a few good Chinese places, if you're into that..."

I pointed at my face.  "Do I look like I'm not?"

Josie laughed.  "I just don't want to assume.  I'm sure most of the take
out around here probably doesn't compare to the home cooking you've had."

"And obviously you've never experienced my dad's cooking."  I physically
shuddered. "Ugh."


2.

I finished showering and quickly dried and clothed myself.  Josie left me a
pair of red plaid pajama pants and a black T-shirt for some heavy metal
band.  Both were well worn and comfortable.  I put my gold anklet back on,
hoping that might bring me luck later.

Walking into the living room I heard Cat Power coming from the stereo.
Josie was sitting on the couch and Fearie was right next to her.  I made
sure to sit on the other side of Josie, who was sipping from a large mug.
She indicated another mug on the table.  "I made us some hot chocolate,
figured you needed something to warm you up."

"Thanks," I said and took a sip from the mug.  It was good hot
chocolate...spiked with something a little extra.  I gave Josie a look that
asked the question.

"I figured a little Peppermint Schnapps would warm you up even more."

We looked at a menu.  Sitting so close to Josie I felt the heat from her
body.  Actually this all felt so good, being in a warm and cozy place,
wearing comfortable clothing and ordering take-out.  From the window
lightning flashed, and looking at the harsh weather conditions outside
caused a shiver through my body.  Then came the thought that I shouldn't
get too comfortable, a flash of Elizabeth ran through my head and I
remembered how quickly things could go bad.  My eyes squeezed shut and I
shook my head to get rid of the thought.  It passed, and taking a deep
breath I opened my eyes and we went about deciding on way too much food.
Josie got up to grab the phone and I suddenly found myself staring at the
potential object of my demise.  Fearie started growling and bared her teeth
at me.

"Nice Fearie," I said with optimism and a smile.  The animal must have
taken that as a threat, because suddenly she jumped and I found myself
diving to the other side of the couch.  Josie was on the phone placing the
order, and she didn't notice that I was on my back with my legs flying and
kicking trying to fend off her dog.  Somehow Fearie found an opening in my
defenses and deftly pounced on top of my chest.  I grabbed Fearie's ears to
keep her head back as she came within an inch of biting off my nose.  She
kept lunging forward, her jaws snapping in an effort to take something away
from my face.  I held onto her ears for dear life, and every time those
fangs got close I managed to twist her head away.

We struggled like that until Josie got off the phone and turned around.  I
thought for sure I was saved.  But then Josie just smiled.  "Glad you two
are getting along.  Fearie, are you hungry?  You are, aren't you
sweetheart?  I'll get your dinner ready.  "

From my viewpoint Fearie was already working on dinner.  As Josie walked to
the kitchen I tried to call out for help but Fearie sprang forward and my
lower lip almost became her first course.  This was a strong little dog,
and she pushed in hard enough so that I had to turn my face away.  Fearie
was about to have my left cheek in her jaws when the sound of a can opener
in the kitchen made her jump right out of my hands.  The evil little
creature scrambled into the kitchen and left me panting and sweaty.  A few
seconds later Josie walked out of the kitchen saying, "Sorry to break you
two up.  Wow, you really got into playing with her."

She must have been referring to my heavy breathing and sweaty face.  I
forced a smile.  "I love animals," except the kind that belong in a cage.

Josie sat down with a slightly devious smile pointed at me.  "So while
we're waiting for food, I have five questions for Gretchen Wang."

I caught my breath and sat up.  "Okay," I said with a hesitant tone, and
hopefully, a cute look.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I work for a book publisher."

"Doing what?"

"Marketing."

"And how old are you?"

Feigning an offended look I said, "A proper lady never reveals her age."
Josie just stared at me.  "Okay, twenty-nine.  But I'm known to lie."

"Do you keep in contact with your family?"

"I call my parents once a week.  My brother is in the military so we
converse by email.  My sister...not so much."

"Why not so much?"

"'Cause she only calls when she needs money."

Josie nodded.  "Did you go to public school or private?"

I smiled.  "That's more than five questions."

"Some of your answers were vague, ergo additional questions."

"So how many do we have to go?"

"This one and one more.  Public or private?"

I sighed.  "Private.  So what's the last question?"

Josie looked right into my eyes.  "Would you mind terribly if I kissed
you?"

I smiled.  "I'd mind terribly if you didn't."

Josie moved closer as our heads leaned in and our lips came together.
There were two hesitant pecks, followed by two more confident kisses,
followed by a joining of the mouths.  Josie's tongue and mine were working
hard together, my hands were caressing her back and hers were caressing my
front.  Her hand moved down slowly until it got to my left breast.  She
squeezed.  I moaned.  The phone rang.

Without breaking the kiss, Josie used her hands to guide me over until she
could reach the phone on the table.  She picked it up, hit the answer
button, and then hit another button that I assumed buzzed in the delivery
guy.  She switched it off and tossed it on the other section of the couch.
We continued kissing as Josie's hand again came to my breast, caressing it
through the shirt.  My nipples were hard at this point, and right when
Josie pinched my nipple there was a knock at the door.  She broke the kiss
and looked into my eyes.  "To be continued later."  She pinched my nipple
again, and I moaned and rolled my eyes.  Josie reached over and grabbed
money she had lying on the table.

"Hey," I said.  "Why don't you let me pay for this?"

"You paid for the cab.  And don't think the squatting thing makes me a
charity case."

I sighed.  "Can I at least give the tip?"

The doorbell rang again.  Josie smiled.  "Don't worry, I'll cover that
easy."  She jumped up and as she skipped to the door she pulled off her
T-shirt.  Just before she opened the door she dropped her pajama bottoms.
I couldn't believe it; she stood in front of the delivery guy buck-naked.
The delivery guy was a beefy Asian kid with short spiky hair and a soft,
friendly face.  He didn't look shocked at all, but he did give her body a
good once over before he said, "Hey Josie."

"Hey Ben.  How're you?"

Ben was about to answer when his eyes caught me.  "Apparently not as lucky
as you."

"Well then here's something extra.  Later, she and I are going to..." and
she leaned over and started whispering in his ear.  Ben's eyebrows rose
slowly until they almost became an extension of his hairline.  He smiled as
Josie finished.

"Wow, good deal."  And with a hangdog smile he said, "Guess there's not a
chance I could watch, is there?"

With a broad smile and cheer in her voice, Josie said, "Not on your life."

Ben nodded and looked at me.  "Well, you guys have fun."

She handed him the money and he handed her the food.  The door shut and she
walked back over with a smile on her face.  Suddenly she stopped cold and
stared at me like she just remembered I was there.

"Um...wow, I'm naked...in front of you."

"Yeah," I said with a smile.  "You were naked in front of the delivery guy
as well."

"Oh, Ben?" Josie gave a brief laugh.  "Well, since I'm kind of on a tight
budget I feel terrible about not always being able to tip, so I started
nude tipping.  You know, answer the door naked...better than nothing."

I looked down at her body.  "From where I'm sitting, I think they like it
better than a lot of things."

She looked down at her body and back up at me.  "Still, this is a little
presumptuous, isn't it?"

"Not as much as when you spoke of our plans later."

I could practically see Josie's face light up with the realization that
she'd done that.  Her mouth opened wide and she said, "Oh..." in a long
drawn out fashion as she brought her lips together.  Her eyes conveyed the
rest of the statement, which was "...shit."  When she was done with that
she smiled and said, "I'm just batting a thousand tonight.  Look, I'm
sorry, I just...I don't know...figured sex, a good thing, what we're all
striving for here.  Least, that's what I was striving for, hoped it's what
you were striving for.  I mean, you let me drag you back here, we're in
PJ's, all comfortable and ready for bed, kinda halfway there already..."

As Josie dropped the food at the table she watched me.  I stared at her
with a non-committal look on my face.  She threw up her hands and said, "Oh
come on!  Help me out here...am I saving myself or just digging a bigger
hole?"

I started chuckling.  "I'm not sure, but it's fun watching you try."

She smirked.  "You're getting too much enjoyment out of my pain."  Josie
turned and walked back to retrieve her clothing while my eyes tracked her
the entire way.  She said, "I suppose it's too late to warn you that I say
what's on my mind.  And that I'm a little impulsive."

"A little?" I said.  When she leaned over to pick up her PJ's I was
mesmerized by her ass.  I enjoyed what I saw until I looked back up and saw
Josie looking over her shoulder at me and smiling.  So I looked away.

Josie started laughing.  "You're blushing!"

I dropped my head and stared at the couch.  "No I'm not."

She walked purposefully across the room.  "Yes you are!  You embarrass
easy!"

I opened my mouth to say something, stopped, and sighed, conceding her
point.  Josie started pulling food out of the bags with a giddy smile, and
began singing, "I know something about you now, I know something about
you..." until she suddenly stopped and an angry look crossed her face.
"Where are the egg rolls?"

I looked at the food covering the table.  "They must have forgotten them."

Josie grabbed the phone and a piece of paper sitting on the table.  She
started dialing a number written on it.  "Luckily I keep Ben's cell phone
number around."

I said, "It's no big deal.  My hips can live without them."

"No.  This is unacceptable.  I tip too well for this kind of treatment."  I
heard someone answer on the other line.  "Ben!  This is Josie.  We are egg
rolless!  Where are my egg rolls?"  A pause, then, "Well they do me no good
when they're on your counter.  I need them on my counter, ASAP...because
you do not end a meal with egg rolls, they start the meal, that's why
they're on the appetizer portion of your menu...I know you're busy, I know
it's raining out, but egg rolls were promised, egg rolls were paid for, and
egg rolls need to be in my tummy!"  A longer pause, and then, "Tell you
what, make us your next stop back and I'll have my friend nude tip you."

My eyes widened.  I held up my hands and shook them and my head as
violently as I could as I whispered, "No, no, no, no, no".

Josie looked me in the eyes and smiled.  "She'd love to do it for you."  I
raised my voice with the no's, but the look in Josie's eyes said that
volume wasn't the problem.  "Okay, cool, see you in ten."  Josie hung up
the phone.

"What the hell is wrong with you?  I am not nude tipping this guy!"

"First of all, we don't have the time or the psychiatric degrees to fully
understand what's wrong with me.  And second, you are nude tipping this
guy."

"Remember a few minutes ago, the part where I embarrass easy!"

"And we'll soon have you cured of that."

"Who says I want to be cured?"

Josie pointed a finger at me.  "People like you never think they need to be
cured because they don't know they have the disease." She shook her head.
"You're a classic case.  Be glad I got to you early."

I stopped, took a breath, tried to compose myself, and calmly said, "It's
simple.  Embarrassment equals I am not nude tipping this guy."

"But as I mentioned before you also have a dirty mind behind that innocent
face.  Your embarrassment is covering something."

I froze.  It sounded so logical, like when my therapist hits me with
something deep.  Ben must really have wanted to see me naked, because
suddenly the phone rang.  An excited look came over Josie's face.  She
answered it and hit the button to buzz him in.  "Decision time.  And you
look like you're right on the fence.  Are you going to do it?"

I was in a panic.  "I don't know."  And I really didn't.  The thought of
doing it was turning me on, but I kept thinking about the embarrassment I'd
feel afterwards.

As if reading my mind, Josie held out a finger and said, "It's not as
embarrassing if it's around people you don't know.  I'm the only one here
you know, and I want you to do it!"

There was a knock at the door.  I looked at it, then back at Josie.  She
was smiling, the kind of smile that people would kill for.  Another knock.
I smiled back, got up and took off the pajamas.  Josie's eyes widened as
she said, "Oh, mama."

Completely naked now, I felt every inch of my body tingling with fear and
sexual energy as Josie looked at me.  That feeling increased tenfold as I
looked up at the door.  I took a deep breath and slowly let it out as I
marched up to the door with a smile still on my face and opened it.  My
smile dropped.  There was no Ben.  Only two young men, one with blonde hair
and the other with red hair, dressed identically in black rain slickers,
white button down shirts and slacks.  The blonde held a Bible, and the
redhead held a handful of pamphlets.

I was standing stark naked in front of two Mormon missionaries.

The blonde quickly held up the Bible to cover his eyes while the redhead
just stood there, his eyes wide and staring at my body.  His jaw was
hanging open and a whiny moan emanated from his mouth.  I heard Josie cry
out in laughter.

"Miss," the blonde said.  "Could you please put some clothes on?"

From behind the couch Josie yelled, "We're doing laundry!"

Another whiny moan came from the redhead.  He was looking at my body like
this was the first time he'd seen a naked woman, which was probably the
case.  The blonde soldiered on.  "Okay...well, uh, have you heard the good
word Miss?"

Again Josie yelled, "No she hasn't!  Tell her all about it!"

"Well, here in the Book of Mormon," he gave the book covering his eyes a
shake.  "The good word is..."

"Fuck!"

That came from Ben, who walked up behind the Mormons holding a bag.  "This
was totally worth the rush!" he said.

Suddenly I heard myself scream, "Give me the fucking egg rolls!"  Ben's
smile dropped as he held up the bag and I snatched it from him.  I looked
at the redhead.  "Give me a fucking pamphlet!"  Red looked up at my face
for the first time and held out a pamphlet.  I grabbed it and slammed the
door in their faces.

I heard a cackle and turned around.  The boiling anger I felt was increased
tenfold by the sight of Josie laying on the floor next to the couch, her
eyes squeezed shut, body doubled over and both hands holding her stomach
because she was laughing so hard.

"That was fucking priceless!!"

After dropping the pamphlet and the egg rolls on the floor I stormed into
the bedroom.  I took my dress off the hanger and struggled into it, which
was twice as hard as earlier because it was still wet.  I got into my shoes
and jacket, grabbed my purse and walked up the hallway.  In the living room
Josie had recovered from her laughing fit and was leaning up on the couch.
She took one look at me and the merriment on her face dropped into confused
disappointment.  "Where are you going?"

"Leaving.  Goodbye."

"Wait a second!"  Josie was on her feet and across the room before I got to
the door, which she threw herself in front of like she was holding off an
attack of Huns.

I stopped.  "Let me out."

Josie held her palms out in front of her.  "Hang on.  Hang on one second,
just hear me out."

I crossed my arms.  "Okay."

"But first you need to do something."  Without a hint of irony in her voice
and a confused look on her face, she asked, "Tell me what exactly you're
angry about?"

I dropped my arms and stared at her in disbelief.  "How about the fact that
you humiliated me?"  I started towards the door but Josie threw herself
against it again.

"Okay!  Okay!"  She took a breath.  "Let me ask you this, and think about
it before you answer.  If I humiliated you so badly and you hated it so
much, tell me one thing..."

I crossed my arms again. "What?"

"Why didn't you shut the door as soon as you saw they were Mormons?"

My mouth opened, but not because I had something to say.  Suddenly I
realized that I'd stood there the whole time and done nothing.

"You were turned on weren't you?"

I shook my head.  "No."

"Yes!  Yes you were!  Admit it!  It turned you on to be naked in front of
them."

I bit my lip in frustration.  She was right and I couldn't argue that.
"Fine, maybe I was.  But you laughed at me.  And you made it go on even
longer."

"Because it was funny!  I mean c'mon, you open the door naked and there's
MISSIONARIES standing there!  That's a once in a lifetime event.  Somewhere
in the universe stars had to align to make that happen!"  I felt a smile
start to form on my face.  Josie continued.  "And think about it, of all
the people in the world it could've happened to, it happened to YOU!
That's a great story to tell!"

The smile dropped as I gave her a glaring look.

"...once you've had some time and distance from the embarrassment of it.
But c'mon, you have to laugh at yourself some."  Josie bent down, picked up
the pamphlet and held it out towards me.  "And look, you even get a
keepsake!  I guarantee you, months from now you'll look at it and laugh."

My smile started to come back.  I took the pamphlet and said, "I guess it
was kind of funny."

Josie smiled, put her arms around me and drew me in for a kiss.  It was
short but had some heat to it.  She pulled away and said, "You're learning.
Now let's eat before the food gets cold."

"Okay, but first...could you help me get out of this dress?  I think it's
stuck to me."


3.

During dinner we stared out of the large picture window admiring how the
rainstorm continued to assault the city.  It had intensified, with the wind
blowing hard and the sky flashing with lighting.  But it was fun to watch,
being inside all safe and cozy.  As she stuffed her mouth with noodles,
Josie said, "It's funny, you embarrass easy but you were wearing that dress
tonight."

"What about my dress?"

"You know...it's sexy."

"Kind of the point.  But it isn't slutty."

"No.  Someone like you wouldn't do slutty.  But you were pushing your
envelope."

Again I fell silent.  Josie wagged a finger at me.  "There's a dirty side
to you that wants out, I can tell."

She left it at that for a while. We ate some more and talked about Josie's
living situation.  After graduating from art school Josie got a job doing
graphic design at a medium-sized company to earn a living while she
painted.  But after two years she became bored with the work and between
the stress and long hours of the job her painting had become uninspired.  A
conversation with her parents changed all that.  They said if she was
serious about wanting to be a painter she should stop 'dicking around' with
the corporate world and dedicate herself to her work.

The next day Josie quit her job and ever since she's been earning minimum
wage at coffee shops while she worked on creating paintings and getting
them seen.  She was fired from her last job for giving away free coffee to
the homeless people whom the manager had been trying to keep away from the
store and his corporate level clientele.  That kept her and Fearie living
on friend's couches and occasionally squatting in abandoned buildings.  We
were finishing up eating when I said, "So I have five questions for
Josie...shit, I'm sorry.  I forgot your last name."

"Carter."

"Josie Carter.  Question number one...how did you get a cab so fast on a
night like tonight?"

"Resourcefulness.  Where was I waiting for you?"

Clueless, I said, "In a hotel bar..." then I smiled as I wised up.  "You
walked into the lobby and out the front door like you were a guest."

Josie looked gleefully proud of herself.  "The doorman got right on it for
me.  Besides, cabs haunt those high class hotels."

"And how old are you?"

"Twenty-five.  I'm not old enough to want to lie yet."

I shot her a nasty look.  "And how often do you talk to your family?"

"Whenever I can.  Part of its money, but also my parents reunited the punk
band they used to play with so sometimes they're hard to reach, busy
playing gigs or practicing.  They live in Cleveland, Ohio by the way.  And
my brother does real estate stuff in Chicago.  Has a wife, two kids, house
in the suburbs.  He's the black sheep of the family."

"Where did you get Fearie?"

"Found the poor thing on the street."

That explained plenty.  "What made you want to be a painter?"

"Easy way to get women naked in front of me."

I'm sure I looked startled.

"I'm kidding...mostly.  No, when I first saw Edward Hopper's stuff, like
New York Movie, Automat, Office in a Small City, A Woman in the Sun, they
just hit me so hard and I could feel exactly where he was going.  He
captured the spaces in between the things you'd normally look for in a
subject.  I still feel his stuff, you know, like, here we are in one of the
biggest cities on the Earth and there's days when I feel like the loneliest
person, no one talks to me, no one pays attention to me.  I can..." at that
point she came out of her reverie and she was looking at me again.  "...I
can obviously go on for hours about this stuff."

"You've got lots of passion.  Can I see some of your work?"

Suddenly there was a devious smile.  "Even better...how'd you like to be
one of my works?"

The second bedroom of the apartment had been converted into an office,
which Josie had apparently taken over and started using as a studio.  The
ceiling in this room was extra high as well, giving it a very spacious
look, and the window was obviously left over from the building's factory
days.  It was extra wide and split into two sections, a smaller lower
section that looked like it pivoted open on a hinge, and the rest of it
stretched almost to the ceiling.  There was a settee in the center of the
room, and an easel surrounded by small silver paint cans and a table
covered with different brushes.  Leaning against the wall in a corner were
three canvasses stacked up against each other.  I went over and looked.
Two were nudes, one of a man and woman together and the other of just a
woman, and the last I recognized as the view out of the room's window
during daytime.

"My buddy Don has the rest of my work stored at his place, that way I don't
have to move them every time I do."

"This is really good," I said, admiring her realistic style with hard lines
and vibrant coloring.  It was easy to see that Hopper influenced her.

"Thanks.  Now take off your clothes."

I looked up from her paintings.  "Take off what?"

"You seriously think I'm going to paint such an attractive woman wearing
someone else's PJ's?"

"Oh." I said.  The first immediate thought was to back out of it, but
instead I figured why not?  I've already exposed myself to religious
missionaries and a horny delivery guy.  Taking in a deep breath, I turned
around and started stripping.  I could hear Josie working on getting her
stuff ready.  After the PJ's were off, my brain had one more thought about
how crazy this was.  I went on a blind date and ended up naked in the
apartment of some stranger I've never even met, about to have my nude body
committed to canvas.  I shut my eyes tight and took another deep breath.
Then I turned.

Josie was naked too.  She held a color palette and was selecting brushes.
Mimicking Josie's tone from earlier I said, "Oh mama."

She looked up.  "Ah, sorry, should have warned you.  I always work in the
nude.  Helps keep me centered."

For a second I thought she was just doing it to make me more comfortable.
Either way I didn't mind the view.  When she was nude tipping earlier I
noticed that Josie had several tattoos but now I was able to get a good
look at them.  There was a line of Chinese going down her back that
translated to "Live, Love, Paint", on her left hip was 'In Voluptate Mors',
the Salvador Dali work that was seven naked women formed into a human
skull, a ring of stars created an anklet on her left ankle and when she
turned I saw she had "Pucker Up" tattooed on her right butt cheek.  When
she turned I noticed her muff was shaved in a strange pattern.  It looked
like two dots and a line, and at first it was hard to make out what it was.
The line was bowed down in the middle, and there was another short line at
each end of the big one.  Suddenly I burst out laughing.

"Did you shave your pubic hair into a smiley face?"

Josie chuckled as she stuck out her hips.  "It's my latest work.  Like it?"
Then she went to the stereo, turned it on and hit play.  Jazz poured out of
the speakers.  "Okay," she said, "if you wouldn't mind, sit on the settee."
I laughed and parked my butt.  She said, "Now chose a pose."

I opened my mouth and eyes wide and threw my arms and legs into the air.
Josie shook her head, rolled her eyes and mumbled to herself, "Now she
lightens up."  Looking straight at me she said, "Do you really want to hold
that pose for such a long period of time?"

I dropped everything.  "You're no fun.  How do you want me?"

She thought for a second and then came over to help position me.  When she
was done I was sitting angled towards the canvas with my left side against
the back of the settee, so most of the front of my body was facing Josie.
My left leg was bent at the knee with my foot behind my right leg, which
lay straight out.  She told me to look towards the window, stood back,
smiled satisfactorily, and jumped behind the canvas.

Josie worked for a while and I just sat there.  Stuck looking out the
window I could see over a few smaller buildings until there was a much
taller building, the same view as from the living room. The taller building
looked like housed apartments, almost half of which had lights on, which
wasn't surprising on a night like tonight.  The storm raged on, with
lighting and thunder and rain all working in unison to make it miserable
for anyone stuck out there.  Again I was thankful to be inside.  I started
thinking about all the unfortunate homeless souls out there, cowering
wherever they could to steel themselves against the rain and cold.  A week
ago I got a mailer from a group helping the homeless asking for money, and
I left it sitting under a pile of bills vowing that I'd give if I had any
extra next month.  At that moment I decided to write a check as soon as I
got home.  Then I thought of Fearie and that made me think of all the poor
homeless animals stuck out there too, so I vowed to give to an organization
for that as well.  Great, I was going to be broke by the end of the month.

Suddenly Josie said, "You can talk if you want to."

"Oh, okay.  I just figured I needed to stay super still."

"Your body and your head yes.  But I'll let you know when I get to your
mouth."

"Fine.  So, um..." I struggled to think of a decent conversation to have
while one is being painted in the nude.

Finally Josie said, "So how about five more questions for Gretchen Wang?"

"I got a better idea.  How about tit for tat?"

"Sounds kinky."

"I mean lets go back and forth.  I'll go first.  Is that Miles Davis on the
stereo?"

"Ornate Coleman."

"Ah," I said.  "So now you know I'm a super Jazz expert."

Josie laughed.  "Okay, um...how old were you when you had your first kiss?"

I sighed.  "I was sixteen, and it was with this girl named Tracy Campbell.
She really knew how to kiss and I really didn't.  So who or what got you
into jazz?"

"My dad.  He said it was the punk rock of the fifties and sixties.  Free
style and rebellion against all the crappy music that came out back then.
Who was first person you had sex with?"

I turned my head and gave Josie a look.  "Obsess over a certain subject
much?"

"Hey, I'm painting you naked.  I like to build a sexual energy on the
subject as I paint."

"Is that anything like Method acting?"

Josie laughed.  "Method painting!  I love it!  Okay, head back into
position and answer the question."

"Tracy Campbell."

"Again!  You must have liked her.  Girlfriend?"

"Hardly."  I said it with way too much spite.

"Ohhh, what made for that response?"

"Not your turn.  So..." I wanted to get her as personally as she got me.
"How many women have you slept with?"

"At once, or altogether?"

I could feel my cheeks flush at her answer.  Josie laughed.  "Glad I'm not
working on your face right now, not sure I have that deep a shade of red."
She paused and said, "Honestly I don't keep count of something like that."
Eagerly, Josie followed with, "Okay, The Tracy Campbell Story.  Spill it."

"It's nothing big really," I said, trying to sound nonchalant about it.
"She was a beautiful dumb slut and I was a virgin lesbian nerd.  One
afternoon we're hanging at my house and suddenly I'm not a virgin anymore."

"Hmm," Josie said, sounding satisfied with that answer.  I was quiet as she
kept working.  Then out of nowhere she asked, "So what was the sex in trade
for?"

"What?" I at least tried to sound shocked.

"Beautiful dumb sluts and virgin lesbian nerds don't just hang out at each
other's places."  Josie did a flurry of something on the canvas while I
remained mute.  "Let's see," she said, "You went to private school, and you
specifically mentioned she was 'dumb', so I'm going to guess you did a
paper for her."

I gave a big, long sigh.  "Four."

Josie's head popped out from behind the canvas.  "Four papers!"

"Did I mention she was beautiful?"

"You also mentioned she was a slut."  Josie went back to work.  "You need
to work on your negotiation skills."

"Okay," I said, "who's the last girl you said 'I love you' to?"

Josie hesitated.  Then, "I've never said it."

"You've never said it to any girlfriend?"

Josie smiled.  "None worth saying it to so far.  How about you?  What's the
name of the last girlfriend you said, "I love you" to."

I hesitated.  "Elizabeth."  Josie's eyebrow arched.  "What?" I asked.

"You cringed when you said her name.  I'm guessing it ended badly."

Without much humor in my voice I said, "That's another answer."  I wanted
to get away from this subject.  "What's the dirtiest thing you've ever
done?"

There was a long pause, and then her eyes dropped down shamefully and she
bit her lip.  "That happened in the eighth grade..."

My eyebrows rose.  This was going to be juicy.  Josie looked up at me with
a wicked smile on her face and said, "When I wrestled in the mud with Jimmy
Conlon after he stole my lunch money."  It took me a second to realize that
was the whole story, but as I opened my mouth to protest Josie cut in.  "Ah
ah!  You didn't specify that it be a sexual thing."

My face sank in disappointment.  "Literal bitch."

"Okay, so," she said.  "I'm guessing it ended badly..."

She hadn't taken the hint.  I considered telling her I didn't feel like
talking about it, but Josie was a lot like her dog, she didn't like to let
things go.  Suddenly I heard Fearie barking just outside the door, which
Josie had shut to keep the animal from distracting us.  I turned to Josie
and decided to be truthful.  "As bad as it can get when one walks in on
their girlfriend in bed with another girl."

Josie's face softened.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

I shook my head.  "It's okay."  To avoid more questions I quickly followed
with, "Actually, this is my first date since that relationship ended."

"How long ago was that?"

"Almost two years."

Josie stared at me.  "Are you serious?"

"Yep."

"Wait, you've at least had some sex, right?"

I shook my head.

"No one night stands?  No casual sex at all?"

Again I shook my head.

"Are you practicing to be a female monk?"  I laughed at that.  Josie said,
"Okay, but you've got to have a serious toy collection under your bed."

I held up a finger.  "That I'll admit to."

"And you must keep the battery industry in business."

"Rechargeables.  It's the way of the future."

"Huh," Josie said.  "You're not one of those 'Born-Again Virgins', are
you?"

"A what?"

"Something I read about.  Religious people who get divorced go through some
kind of process that makes them virgins again."

"Uh huh.  Is that a mental or physical process?"

"Mental.  As far as I know they haven't figured out a way to surgically put
back a hymen yet, although I wouldn't be surprised if they're working on
it.  And I don't know what they hell guys would do."

"Cut it off and sew on a new one!"

We broke out laughing.  When we regained our composure she said,
"Seriously, what's up with the sabbatical?"  I started explaining it to
her.  My aforementioned relationship, the six degrees of lesbian dating in
New York City, and how I hate having to go through the whole night of
effort, blah, blah, blah.  Josie was fascinated with reason number two.  "I
never really thought about it," she said, "but I have shared an ex with two
girlfriends."  Her face brightened.  "How much you wanna bet you and I have
one in common?"

"Let's not go there," I said curtly.  The reaction on Josie's face made me
realize just how nastily I said it.  It was the thought that she'd known,
or even worse dated, Elizabeth.  I held up my hands.  "I'm sorry, I
just..."

"No, no.  I'm the one who should be sorry.  The biggest reason for your
sabbatical and here I am looking to make a board game out of it."


4.

We were both silent after that.  The only time Josie spoke is when she
changed CD's.  "This is Miles Davis," she informed me with a smile and then
went back to work.  A little while later Josie announced, "Okay, I'm done.
Just stay there until I take a picture."

"What's the picture for?  I thought you just painted one?"

Josie took a small digital camera off of a nearby table.  "It's for a
portfolio I'm creating.  Relax, I'm not going to put it on the Internet."
She clicked a few shots of me while she stood next to the canvas.  Then she
moved in closer, took another, and then came around to the end of the
settee, took another.

"Okay," I said, how many of these do you need?"  Walking right next to me,
she kept clicking away, pointing the camera in my face.

I put my hands up between us.  "Stop it!" I yelled with a laugh.  That just
egged Josie on, she laughed as she moved in closer.  I let out a playful
scream as she climbed on top of me and continued shooting.  I opened my
mouth wide and stuck out my tongue.

"Oh, sexy," Josie said as she clicked off another and then took the camera
away from her face.

I looked into her eyes, and with a sultry tone I said, "You really think
so?"

"Here's what I think."  Josie leaned in and kissed me on the lips.  I
kissed back, putting my arms around her neck as we opened our mouths.  I
felt her hot breath and tasted her saliva, her skin smelled like apples and
paint.  I remembered my peeled orange body spray and my earlier hopes about
having actual physical sex sometime soon.  Sometime soon came sooner than I
thought.

Josie kissed over my chin and down my neck until she got to my chest.  I
watched as she kissed lightly around my left breast, slowly closing in on
the nipple until she stuck out her tongue and started circling the areola.
The fingers of her left hand glided lightly over my right breast, keeping
it aroused as her mouth played with my other tit.  I felt my breath catch
as she flicked it on the now hardened nipple.  Josie paused to look up at
me and flash her smile, right before she brought her head down and covered
my areola with her lips.  Lightly sucking on it, slowly increasing the
pressure as her fingers rolled my right nipple between her thumb and
forefinger.

I moaned as my hands rubbed Josie's shoulders and glided across her back.
Her face came up and in a breathless tone she said, "Did you like that?"

"No," I responded sarcastically.  "It was terrible."

"Well I'll just have to do better with the other one."  Josie's head went
to my other breast and she went straight to licking and teasing the nipple.
As she sucked, her teeth grazed it, causing me to moan.  Josie started
kissing her way down my stomach until she was on her knees in front of me.
I spread my legs open, putting one over the arm of the settee and giving
Josie total access.  Her nose poked into my pubic hairs, and her eyes
looked up at me with a mischievous lit.  "We're going to have to carve this
into something tomorrow."

I liked the idea of that, especially since it implied I'd be staying the
night.  The feeling of Josie's tongue sliding into my folds interrupted
that thought.  I gasped as she ran it down to my perineum and then back up
to my clit.  Then she turned her head and started kissing my lips with
hers, softly and slowly at first, then with more passion and more sucking.
Finally her tongue came out and she pressed it into my hole and wiggled it
around.

"Oh!" I called out.  My right foot was on the floor and I brought it up to
rest on the ball of my foot to try and give Josie better access.  She
started moving her tongue in and out, fucking me with it.  I cried out
several times, and it sounded like I was adding vocals to the Miles Davis
CD still playing in the background.  A few minutes later Josie switched to
licking and sucking on my clit while she rubbed two fingers over my lips to
moisten them and then slowly push them into my slit.  I had one hand on the
top of Josie's head, running it through her blonde hair while my other hand
pinched and pulled on a nipple.  She took her time and didn't just push me
right to the edge.  She'd occasionally take her mouth away and blow on my
engorged and super sensitive clit, giving me both ecstasy and agony.

My first orgasm with another human being in two years was less than epic,
but not by much.  Just before it happened I gave out a series of low,
guttural grunts in quick succession as Josie's tongue furiously attacked my
clit.  When I came to the peak my mouth sprang open but no sound came
forth.  My body shook for a while as I tried to catch my breath.  Finally
some ragged moans emanated from my mouth as I slid down Mount Bliss and the
tension in every muscle in my body relaxed to the point where I almost
melted into the settee.

Josie looked up at me with a grin on her face and some of my glistening
juices on her lips.  She stood up and wiped off her lips with the back of
her hand.  It looked crude and sexy at the same time.  Then she held out
her other hand.  "Let's move this to the bedroom."

That statement suddenly struck fear into my head.  Now it was my turn to
please her, and I hadn't had sex with another woman in two years.  Would I
still be any good at it?  Could I please Josie, or would I be a big
disappointment?  I took her hand and she helped me to my feet, leading me
out of the studio and down the hallway.  From the other end of the hall
Fearie ran up to Josie, barking and growling and snarling.  "Not now
sweetie!  Mommy's a little busy."

Just as Fearie started snapping at my feet Josie pulled me into the bedroom
and shut the door on the crazy animal.  Josie turned and we stood there
silently staring at each other.  She had a look of pure lust in her eyes,
and all I kept wondering was if I could please this woman.  I wasn't sure
why I felt the need, but it was there.  On the other side of the door
Fearie barked and scratched.  Josie came forward and pushed me down onto
the bed, then stood looking over me like some conquest.  She climbed on top
of me and we started kissing again.

I rolled us over and kissed my way down to Josie's breasts, briefly teased
her nipples with my tongue, and then worked my way slowly down her body
with kisses and licks.  I completely avoided her pussy, going around the
mons on one side and then started from her belly button again and kissed
down the other side.  Alternating kisses back and forth as I moved down the
insides of her legs, when I got to her feet my tongue licked around a bit
before I sucked on a few toes, especially the one with the ring.

My hands slid slowly up her body as I crawled back up to her face and we
shared another kiss as Josie turned us back over.  The king-sized bed gave
us plenty of room to play, and Josie broke the kiss and propped herself up
on her arms, giving me access to her breasts, which I caressed and kissed
and sucked on.  The loud moans that came from Josie scared me at first, but
the more she did it the more my confidence grew that I was doing something
right.

"Bite it," she said as I sucked on her left nipple.  I brought my teeth
down on the nipple and slowly applied pressure, careful not to go too hard
too fast.  When I hit a certain point she cried out, more from pleasure
than from pain, but I took that as the cue for what worked.  I sucked some
more and then bit down again and Josie cried out again, cupping my head
from behind with one arm while steadying herself with the other.

I moved to the other nipple and gave it the same treatment, much to Josie's
audible delight, and after spending a while going back and forth Josie
pulled back and scooted up so that she was sitting on my face.  After two
years, that pungent, tangy odor came to my nostrils smelling sweeter than
hot fudge melted over ice cream.  I brought my arms around her hips and
held her in place while my tongue went to work on her pussy, licking and
rolling and swirling, enjoying that taste.  As Josie moaned in pleasure she
steadied herself straight over me, with her arms behind her so they could
reach down and play with my nipples.  As my tongue danced over and around
her clit her fingers toyed and pinched my breasts and nipples.  Then Josie
leaned back and spread her legs open more, and I licked up and down her
slit several times before sticking my tongue inside and moving it around.
I played between moving it in and out slowly and jabbing it quickly,
causing her to moan and writhe.  The fingers of my left hand went to her
clit and caressed it, and that's when Josie called out, "Oh wow!"

Hearing those kinds of reactions quelled my trepidations.  I couldn't hear
the dog outside the door anymore; the evil thing must have decided to go to
bed.  Meanwhile Josie was making enough noise to wake the dead.  She
gyrated her hips and moved up and down as I continued to lick, suck and
frig her.  Throwing her head back she shook and came.  Climbing off of my
head she fell beside me on the bed.  We were both breathing heavy.  Josie
said, "For a girl who spent the last two years playing with toys, you've
still got some skills."

She pulled back the covers and once we were underneath we snuggled into
each other's arms, shared a few kisses and then drifted off to sleep.


5.

Six thirty is the normal time I get up for work.  The room was dark when I
woke, and looking at bright digital numbers that said it was six fifty gave
me an 'Oh Shit' moment. But before I got out of bed it dawned on me that it
was Saturday morning.  Very few things can beat waking up early only to
realize it's your day off, and one of those things is looking over and
remembering you're not in bed alone.  Josie was snoring lightly beside me.
I cuddled up to her and fell back asleep.

When I woke again it was because something was buzzing.  Actually it felt
like something was buzzing on me.  I slowly opened my eyes and Josie was
next to me, propped up on her elbow.  Her other arm was under the covers
and I could feel something plastic vibrating against my stomach, moving
down over my mons.  "Hey," Josie said, smiling at me.  "This is your wake
up call."  She leaned down and started kissing me softly on the lips.  I
spread open my legs as the vibrator moved down between my other lips.
Josie rubbed the tip up and down my slit and then all around until I was
good and wet.  I gasped as she slid the vibrator in slowly while
simultaneously pushing her tongue into my mouth.  I reached out and
massaged her left breast and she started moving the vibe in and out and our
tongues dueled.  As we broke from the kiss I said, "So is this what you
told Ben we were going to do?"

Josie smiled.  "No, this is."  On an in stroke Josie took her hand off the
vibe and her face pulled away from mine.  She pulled the covers down and
said, "Lay across the bed."

I did as she said, switching my position so I lay stretched from bedside to
bedside.  My feet were towards the left side of the bed and Josie laid next
to me so her feet were towards the right.  She made it so we were laying on
our sides in a sixty-nine, and we each raised a leg so we could put faces
to crotches.  Josie started licking as her hand came around to move the
vibrator again.  I got my left arm underneath her hip and as I licked and
sucked both my hands came around to play with her folds.  After a minute I
maneuvered a finger into her slit, and then another followed it.  Josie
continued to eat me as she varied how fast she slid the vibe in and out.
I'd forgotten how incredible it felt to have someone else do that, to the
point where I occasionally took my face away from my work in order to
squeeze my eyes shut in ecstasy and cry out as my body enjoyed the flow of
pleasure.  Josie responded with pleasured moans, especially when I ran one
lubricated finger over her rosebud.  I teased it and occasionally gave it a
little pressure.  But I didn't get in there because Josie suddenly came and
not long after I did the same.  We repositioned ourselves so we were lying
on the pillows again, hugging and kissing.  Josie gave her mischievous
smile and said, "I knew you were a naughty girl, touching my butt like
that."

"I got a thing for butts, and yours is sexy as hell."

"Well, butts aside, I've gotta pee."  Josie got up and made her way towards
the bathroom.  I watched her naked body walk away from me.

"Nice ass!" I yelled.  Josie stopped in the doorway and shook it.  Then she
turned right and went into the bathroom, which was right next to the
bedroom.  I closed my eyes and snuggled up under the warm covers, feeling
wholly satisfied and safe, basking in the glow of good sex with someone I
really like.  It had been a long time since that happened.

Suddenly the phone rang.  My eyes popped open and I stared at it on the
bedside table.  In the other room Fearie started barking.  I didn't plan on
answering it, but when I looked over at the caller ID unit sitting on the
table I saw a number that I knew by heart.  I picked it up.  "Hello, this
is Gretchen."

There was a pause.  "Gretch?"  Olivia sounded good and confused.  "I
thought I dialed Josie's number?"

"You did."

There was another pause, and then I had to hold the phone away from my ear
because Olivia started screaming.  When I dared to risk my hearing again I
heard, "My girl got some!  My girl got some!  My girl got some!!!!"  Just
then Josie walked in and when she saw the phone she said, "Olivia?"

I nodded and Josie jumped onto the bed and grabbed the phone from me.  She
said, "Hey, Olivia, who is this crazy bitch you set me up with?  No, she
forced me to come back here and then she tied me to the bed and took
advantage of me all night!"  Josie looked at me and smiled, then to Olivia,
"No, I'm not complaining.  You just should have warned me that she was such
a ferocious lover.  And furthermore...uh!"  I sat up looking at Josie as
she feigned a struggle.  "Uh!  Olivia!  She's jumping me again!  I gotta
go!  Call the police...in two hours!"  Josie leaned across me and slammed
the phone into its cradle.  Her body dropped and she lay across me.

"We're not really going at it again, are we?" I asked.

"Oh God no.  I'm not even sure I have the energy to make breakfast."

"So it's settled then, I'm buying breakfast."

"I'd argue," Josie said, "but I have neither strength nor money."

We took a bath together, during which Josie carved my pubic hair into an
arrow pointing down.  It was good work, and I told her she could make money
offering such a talent at salons around the city.  For that I got splashed
in the face.

The sun was out and it was actually very warm outside.  Josie let me borrow
some clothes – a green tank top, a denim skirt and flip-flops.  Josie
wore red shorts, a white and red striped top and flip-flops.  And Fearie
wore a leash.  Yep, the demon spawn came with us.  We went to a coffee
place that had an outdoor patio with wrought iron tables and chairs.  At
one point during breakfast Josie and I played footsie under the table, at
another point Fearie tried to take off my foot with her teeth.  I pointed
my chin at Josie's huge shoulder bag.  "What the hell do you have in that
thing?"

"A surprise, actually."

"Oooh I like those."  I craned my neck to try and see what it was.

Josie pulled her bag under her chair.  "Then wait for it to be one!"

After breakfast Josie wanted to take Fearie for a long walk and I suggested
we take a cab to Central Park.  When we got there Josie didn't walk Fearie
as much as hold her back her from killing everything in sight.  Fearie did
her bark/growl thing and practically attacked anything that moved.  Luckily
Josie yanked her back before she got too close.  At one point Fearie ran up
to a German Shepard and started gnawing on its foot.  The Shepard jumped
back and started barking.  A small fight ensued with the Shepard's owner
trying to break it up by yelling, "Lady!  Your dog!"

Smiling, Josie said, "Oh don't mind Fearie.  She just loves to play with
other dogs."

"Get her away!"

Josie dropped her shoulders and rolled her eyes.  "Fine.  Think your dog is
too good to play with my dog."  She pulled Fearie away before the Shepard
sustained any real damage.

As we walked I took a deep breath and decided to broach a subject.  "Fearie
seems a little...angry."

Josie shrugged.  "Yeah, she can be that way."

"So, um, along those lines, have you thought about, you know, doggie
therapy?  Maybe getting her on some medication?"

"Actually Fearie has a psychiatrist.  I give painting lessons to his
daughter in trade.  And he says upping her Prozac anymore would be
considered a lethal dose."

My mouth dropped open.  "My God, what was she like before?"

We picked a spot on the grass and sat out in the sun while Fearie eyed up
potential victims.  There were plenty of other people sitting on the grass,
playing Frisbee and walking their dogs.  Josie turned to me and said, "We
had an interesting first date, didn't we?"

I chuckled.  "You could say that."

"You could also see it.  A little memento."  Josie reached into her bag and
pulled out a small canvas.  It was the one of me she painted last night.
Looking at a painting of myself, naked and exposed, stirred up feelings
inside of me.  But they were not good feelings.

"Maybe for our next date I can get your backside..."

"Listen," I said as I put down the painting.  "You're really great, and a
very...unique personality.  I'd be lucky to be with you, but I'm just don't
think I'm ready to date again or be in a relationsh-"

"Well I think you are ready," Josie interrupted.  The look on her face said
this was going to be a fight.

"You don't understand..."

"Fine, you got burned by this girl Elizabeth.  It happens.  But you're so
afraid of what bad things might happen that you're not thinking about what
good things could happen."

"You still don't understand..."

"I understand two years is a long time."  Josie put a hand on my face.
"It's too long."

With emotion cracking my voice I said, "But it hurt."

"Well dammit Gretchen, you can't let that hurt stop you from living!"

"Oh yeah!"  I stood up, yelling.  "You think you know everything?  Think
all those questions last night gave you all the answers?  Well I bet you
didn't figure this one out – I wasn't the one who walked in on my
girlfriend cheating on me!  I was the one in the bed!  I was the one who
broke another woman's heart!  The one she gave to me!  The one she trusted
me with!  And I fucked it all up!"

I turned and stormed off.  But I hadn't gone five paces before I heard
"Gretchen!"  I kept going.  Josie had gotten up and was following me.
"Gretchen!"

I half turned as I walked.  "Go away!  You don't want to be with me!"

"Yes I do!  Don't you fucking tell me what I want!"

"I'm an adulterous whore!  What kind of woman wants that?"

Suddenly something was on my back and I fell to the ground.  I realized
Josie had tackled me.  "Get off!" I screamed.

"No!"

"Get off of me!"

Being the good New Yorkers everyone knows, the people around us didn't do
anything but stare at the commotion.  Josie got on her hands and knees,
giving me enough room to turn over and face her.  There were tears in my
eyes.  I said, "I'm not good enough for you.  Or anybody."

"Yes you are."

I yelled, "How do you know that?  How do you know you can trust me?"

Josie yelled back, "Because you spent the last two years torturing
yourself!"

It was a better answer than I'd expected.  For a few seconds there was only
the sound of heavy breathing as we staring into each other's eyes.  Josie
continued, "And really bad people don't do that."

Josie leaned down and then we were kissing, a heavy, passionate kiss.  When
she pulled away I looked up at her.  "You are so fucking crazy," I said.

"And you're just figuring that out now?"

A month later, when her apartment-sitting job ended, Josie moved in with
me.  Actually, Josie and Fearie moved in with Angus and me.  On the first
day Fearie attacked Angus.  But the feline, who up to that point had been
so mellow that I didn't even have him de-clawed, bared those claws and
chased Fearie into a corner.  And Josie and I lived happily, well, mostly
happily, ever after.

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