Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 07:44:51 -0700 (PDT) From: John O'Connor Subject: The Emergency Stand-by Date (lesbian celebrity) Title: The Emergency Stand-by Date Author: John O'Connor Email: lushcoltrane@yahoo.com Rating: NC-17. Pairings: Sam and Janet. Category: First time. Date: 20 May, 2004. Series: None. Website: http://www.asstr.org/~John_OConnor/ Disclaimer: "Stargate SG-1" and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, SciFi Channel, Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Note: For Rocketchick's challenge from early May. I swiped the title from her challenge too. Spoilers: Not exactly but an alternative aftermath to "Heroes". Summary: When a date is broken, who does Sam turn to? _______________________________________________________ "Damn!" I yelled as I slammed down the receiver. "What's wrong Sam?" Janet asked as she peeked into my lab. "The date's off tonight. Pete's gotta work." "Oh, I'm so sorry. I know you were looking forward to it. Can I do anything?" I looked at her. There sure was something she could do but I didn't dare even hint at it. Not to a fellow officer. I had my eyes opened a few weeks ago when it was feared that Janet had been felled by a staff weapon blast. Fortunately, she was only grazed by the blast and hit her head on a stump, knocking her unconscious. When Janet opened those beautiful brown eyes in the Med Center, I was so relieved I almost kissed her. And I probably would have if not for all the people in the room: the rest of SG-1, General Hammond, Doctor Warner and the Med Center staff. Since that time, I've been finding myself thinking of the doctor more and more often. And it was very disconcerting. I thought about talking to Janet about it but what could I say? I don't even know what I'm feeling - friendship, camaraderie, or something more? Pulled back to the present, I shook my head. "No. Thanks Janet. We were going dancing but..." "So? Let's go." "Huh?" Janet came into the lab, moving her arm. "My shoulder is much better - a little tight but... And it'd be fun. Not to mention, I need to get out of the house. Cassie will make a great Mother Hen..." "Well, I guess..." I replied, my eyes darting up to look at Janet. "Great. Pick me up at...8?" I was smiling broadly as I nodded, "Sure. 8 is great." Janet left the lab groaning. And it wasn't only her still-stiff shoulder. * * * * * * I pulled up before Janet's house and saw the petit brunette already on the porch, sitting on the swing. Janet jumped up and dashed down the few steps to the walk and across to the car. She was a vision in a spaghetti-strap peasant blouse and knee-length leather skirt. My mouth was suddenly Saharan and I had trouble even saying hello as she got in. "So...I know a place we can go," Janet said. Then she observed my tight, red dress, "Sam, you look gorgeous." Swallowing a dry lump, I managed to say, "So do you, Janet." Janet directed me out of Colorado Springs to a small club up in the hills. She reassured me, "It's out of the way but it's a fun place. Trust me." Anyone else saying that would have me growing nervous. But I trust Janet with my life. Often. I, who had navigated intra-galactic wormholes, was totally lost when we arrived at what looked like a concrete blockhouse. The sign said Bob's Bunker. "Bob's Bunker?" I asked. "Well, the name shortened when the country music craze slowed down." "Country? Country music?" "Relax Sam. They play all kinds of music." I couldn't resist throwing her a jibe, saying, in a mock Southern voice, "We have both kinds, country and western." "Quiet..." Janet said as she pulled open the door. We were assailed by a blast of '80s dance music. I recognized the tune but couldn't remember who the artist was. Janet led me to a booth and, as we sat, a waitress came up to take their orders. I ordered a beer and Janet asked for a cosmopolitan. "So, you come here often?" I shouted just as the music died down. In a much more embarrassed and quiet voice, I said, "Uh, that is..." Janet laughed. "Sounds like a bad pickup line." she laughed again when I felt myself turning a bright red. "But, no. I've been here a few times over the past couple of years but not so much lately." Just then, a once-popular country song started. Finishing her first cocktail, Janet literally dragged me onto the dance floor. "It's why we're here, Sam." And I was surprised. I actually enjoyed the line dance. It was fairly simple to master once I remembered my early training in close-order drill. And I was able to dance with Janet without it looking...questionable. The next song, following almost before the first ended, was another country number and Janet kept me with her, holding my hands in hers as we danced around with the happy crowd on the floor. Dancing hand in hand with Janet was uncomfortable at first. Then, trying to ignore the feeling of Janet's soft hands in mine, and the thrill her hands brought me, I gave into the fun of dancing. After that song ended, another '80s dance number started and we stayed out on the floor, gyrating to the insistent beat. When the song ran on, I realized it was a lengthy remix of an old Talking Heads tune and we ended up boogeying longer than either of us expected. Not that we were complaining. But, when "Wild, Wild Life" ended, we silently agreed to sit down for a few minutes. Back at our booth, we found fresh drinks waiting for us. I swallowed nearly half of my beer while Janet, her chest heaving as she breathed deeply from the exertion, sipped quietly at her cosmo. My eyes kept dropping to the green fabric as it stretched and relaxed with each deep breath. Finally Janet breathed out, "Phew!" "Yeah! I haven't had a workout like that since..." Janet held up her hand, "I don't think I wanna know." We both laughed at that while I signaled the waitress for another round. "So, see anyone around here you wanna dance with?" Janet looked directly at me and nodded, "Yes. You. That's why we're here." My heart skipped a beat. "C'mon Janet, there are some cute guys here." "Not my type." I gazed around the room again and saw just about every type of the male gender there was: everything from egotistical macho men to the insecure type, lounge lizards to trendy, fad-conscious types, jocks to brainiacs, big to small, well-built to chubby. I found myself nodding in agreement. But I had to know. "Just what is your type Doctor?" Janet looked thoughtful for a moment then replied. "Well, smart for one. Funny, caring, sensitive, loyal, supportive, loving... You know..." "Janet, that's what practically everyone wants. Well, except for the Herb Tarlek wannabe," I nodded at a man in a loud suit with a white belt and shoes. Janet laughed then said, "So? What's wrong with that?" "Nothing. But what physical type?" "Surficial qualities aren't that important. But, for fantasy's sake, I like blonde hair, blue eyes, a nice ass..." "Janet?!?" I spluttered. I've never heard Janet talk that way before. "Well? It's true. A nice ass is an...asset." I groaned, "Oh god, Janet..." "Sorry. Couldn't pass up the pun." I was shaking my head. "Your bunk must've been next to the colonel's." "Well, for a day or two, Colonel O'Neill and I had time to get to know each other. When he wasn't bitching about being cooped up. My opinion of him has gone up too, by the way." I obviously looked puzzled so Janet went on, "I always respected his authority and leadership. But I never felt like I knew him. He's an okay guy. And, while it's occasionally a bit raw, his sense of humor is infectious." "Alright," I agreed. "If you don't see your type here, why come?" "I didn't say my type wasn't here. Just not..." I don't know why but the truth hit me like a thunderbolt. My eyes widened in surprise, "You mean...?" "A big part of the reason my so-called marriage didn't last." "Wow." Janet nodded. "Yeah, it was huge for me when I came to terms with it." "So, who is the lucky gal?" Janet took a long time to answer as she scanned the crowd. I was holding my breath, alternately hoping and fearing her answer. "If I was to take someone home with me..." Janet glanced quickly at me then finished, "Her." I followed her gaze. "The bartender?" "Yeah. I suppose. She's a sweet lady." I took a longer look at the woman behind the bar. Short, blond hair and laughing blue eyes. She looked familiar to me but I didn't know why. "She is cute. Can't fault your taste, Janet. So? You gonna ask her out?" "Not now. Tonight's your night," Janet said, feeling relief as she realized I accepted her lifestyle. "You are a very special friend, Janet. Thanks." "So are you, Sam." "Janet, you don't have to worry about me saying anything..." Janet nodded, "I know. But thanks." A couple of hours later, after several dances, we prepared to leave. We both had managed to dance away the worst of the alcohol. "Thanks Janet. This was a lot of fun." "My pleasure." We talked about nothing and laughed a lot as I drove us back to Colorado Springs. The drive to Bob's seemed longer a few hours before. But the first time I go anywhere it always seems longer than any time after. And a deep, secret part of me wanted the drive to go on longer. But, naturally, I pulled up in front of Janet's house. Instead of saying goodnight or anything I blurted, "Meg Ryan!" "What?!?" Janet laughed. "The bartender...she reminds me of Meg Ryan. And, now that I think of it, you have a lot of Meg Ryan movies..." Janet looked at me then away. "Yeah, you've...figured it out alright. "Good night, Sam." Janet started to get out when I touched her arm. "You don't have to worry. Nothing is different between us as far as I'm concerned." Janet sat back and smiled, "I know honey. But thanks again for saying so." "You know, we need to do this more often." "Yeah?" "Yeah. Next time I get stood up, you'll be my emergency stand-by." "Hmm..." Janet scowled. "Seriously, Janet, I had a lot of fun and I think we should do this more. Just the two of us going dancing or even just hanging out." Janet nodded, "Sure. I had fun too. G'night, Sam." I waited, deep in thought, as Janet walked up and entered her house. * * * * * * I never resolved my thoughts that night. As a matter of fact, I was more confused than ever. Was I gay? Was I bi? Did I want Janet in that way? And how much of this was my reaction to finding out the truth about my dearest friend? As the days passed, Pete and I got together and I tried to put these questions behind me. And I succeeded until we broke up. At least my black widowhood was over. At the same time, Janet had found someone. Not the Meg Ryan wannabe at the bar but someone I never imagined. Our then-CO, Doctor Elizabeth Weir. After my initial surprise, I realized that it made sense. Elizabeth was just what Janet had been looking for in both her physical and emotional aspects. I was happy for Janet but still confused about myself. When the special SG team with Elizabeth was lost, Janet was distraught. I tried to be a friend to her and be there for her. But I could only do so much. Finally, a couple of weeks after the loss of the SG team, Janet came to me. "He-ey Sam." That was good to hear. She hadn't used her two-syllable greeting since she'd been shot by the Jaffa. "Hi Janet, how're you doing?" She smiled slightly and said, "Better. I miss Liz but..." "I know." I went over and gave her a hug. "Thanks." "Anytime. You need TLC too, you know." "Sam, what are you doing Friday night?" "Nothing. My social life is..." "Oh, I'm sorry honey. With everything going on, I forgot all about you and..." "Yeah, well, to be honest, I'm doing okay with it. He was getting too...protective. He wanted me to transfer to a desk job and..." Janet shook her head. "He's a cop?" I nodded. "Been away from the mean streets for a while?" I nodded again. "That's the problem. He forgot about the adrenalin rush you get in tight spots. As scary and horrible as those moments can be, afterwards, you feel so much more alive..." "Janet? I've never heard you talk like this before. You're usually the one telling me to be careful." Janet chuckled, "I'm not telling you not to be careful but since I was...shot, I understand the feeling you and the rest get. I know I could've died but I didn't and..." "I got it," I laughed. "Daredevil Fraiser... Got a nice ring to it." "Yeah, well... Anyway, Pete's a detective now. And from what I know about cops, detectives come in after the excitement. They may be the ones to collar the perp but a beat cop's life has more danger in it. Pete's probably forgotten that. "And," Janet added when she saw I was going to interrupt, "a lot of cops never even fire their gun outside of the practice range." "Thank you Police Woman." "Detective Piper at your service," Janet replied with a laugh. "No, her name was Pepper. Pepper Anderson. Piper's one of the witches on that WB show." "Oh yeah, the one with the three lesbians." "Janet!" burst out as I quickly looked around. "What?" Her face showed more amusement at my distress than puzzlement. "Anyway, their sisters, not lovers." With a wicked laugh, Janet said, "So? They can't be both?" "Janet?!? What's gotten into you?" This was not the Janet I've known for nearly eight years. This Janet had a decidedly wicked side. And I wasn't sure I saw a problem with that. "Just teasing you, hon. Anyway, about Friday, wanna trip the light fantastic?" "Sure. Sounds like fun. Eight?" Janet nodded with a big smile, "We'll be each other's emergency stand-by dates." Then, with a happy wave, she left my lab. Leaving me looking forward to Friday night. * * * * * * Friday night and I had butterflies. I felt like a kid on her first date. Even knowing nothing was going to happen, I wore a lacy set of lingerie, stockings and a garter belt - all black except the stockings were more ashy gray. Over this I wore a dark, low-cut dress that ended just above my knees. The material was light and would bellow out if I spun around. I wore a thin, red leather belt cinched tightly at the waist. On my feet I wore red pumps that matched the belt. They were comfortable for dancing and looked good too. My hair I had feathered back, trying to look stylish. Pearl drop earrings and a necklace finished the look. The whole effect was completed with light dabs of a slightly musky perfume. While never being an egoist, I had to say I looked damned good. The only question I had was who was I looking good for? Trying to ignore the irritating persistence of that question in my head, I drove to Janet's. I was about to go to the door when she came out. Another vision. And, like the last time, I was speechless. I don't know what happened but the woman, already one of the most desired women in the entire Cheyenne complex - including NORAD, was stunningly exciting. >From the top down, her hair was again unhighlighted, dark, and feathered. It hung loose around her face, Below that, she had a black, lacy bustier that heavily emphasized her...assets. This was partially covered, but enhanced, by a black, studded jacket with the sleeves pushed up her forearms. It took me until she was at the car to see below the waist. Faded, soft, denim button-fly jeans with the waist button open. God, she was a walking wet dream! And I was excited by this vision... Oh lord, it was going to be a long evening and a longer night as, subconsciously, I already knew I would be questioning my reaction to her later in bed. "He-ey! You look gorgeous!" "Thanks. You look pretty...hot yourself." I felt myself blushing as I said that. Janet's eyes were gleaming as she asked, "Ready to dance the night away?" "Uh...yeah," I finally managed to say through my embarrassment. The drive to Bob's passed quickly as Janet filled the time with funny anecdotes about Cassandra, the Infirmary, and the rest of the SGC. Once we were there, Janet practically danced out of the car laughing. "C'mon slowpoke! Let's go party!" Jeez, was this the same Janet? The staid, caring CMO of the most secret operation in the history of the world? But I laughed and caught up with her. "You been drinking, Doctor?" "Nope! Not artificial stimulation at all. Just happy to be here. With you." Then she disappeared into the Bunker. Wondering at her words, I followed Janet into the din. We took a booth again. As I sat so I could see the crowd, Janet went to the bar rather than wait for the waitress. I watched her chat with Meg Ryan behind the bar. And I was surprised to find I was jealous! She got our drinks and came back to me. setting the drinks down, her cosmo and my draft, and slid into the booth next to me. I almost stuck my tongue out at the bartender. Then I felt nervous as I realized what I was beginning to feel for Janet. Or rather I was beginning to recognize how I was feeling. And how confused this made me. As we neared the end of our first round, Janet flagged down the waitress as she passed by for another. Then she turned to me and asked, "May I have this dance?" Before I could answer, we were out there dancing to "Shake Your Groove Thing". And half the place was shaking their groove thing too. I used to hate disco when I was a kid. Still do but it's fun to dance with someone you...like. Yes, like. We're just friends. Another disco song and then we were back at the booth. Again Janet slid in next to me. "Having fun?" I brushed back damp bangs and nodded. "But I hate disco." "Couldn't tell. You were really working your money-maker." Janet was watching my...ass?!? "Whew. Gets warm in here fast." Janet shrugged off her jacket as she said this. She moved her bare shoulders and glanced at the spot where she'd been hit. I looked too. It wasn't bad considering the source. Her skin had healed pretty well and it looked more like a mild burn. "How does it feel?" "Not too bad. Skin still feels a little tight but that healing device worked well. Wish you could teach me how to work that thing." "Sorry. Gotta have that snake treatment first..." Janet interrupted me by squealing, "I love this song. C'mon!" She pulled me back to the floor and we were dancing once more. "Dancing Queen" may not be as fast as disco but it's still a bit of a workout. After that song the tempo slowed as Roxy Music started: Bryan Ferry singing "More Than This". I started to walk off when Janet pulled me into her arms. "Nope. We're dancing." "But..." I started to object while my arms took on a will of there own and circled Janet's body. "Look around. All sorts of couples here," Janet said as she pulled me close. There were all sorts. Boys with girls, boys with boys, girls with girls, and one pretty androgynous couple that looked like twin...somethings. I settled into her warm embrace, I had one hand on the lace bustier and the other between her shoulder blades. Janet's hands were holding me tightly and her head was resting between my breast and my shoulder. The smell of her perfume, her shampoo, mixed with the slight tinge of her sweat was a lovely medley in my nostrils. I found myself loving the feeling of being in her arms. It felt good. Maybe too good. But I didn't want this to end. And, once again, fortune smiled on me. The DJ played another Roxy song - "Avalon" and we stayed out on the floor. Janet looked up at me with large, brown eyes and smiled sweetly. "This is nice, Sam." "Yes. It is." As the song went on, I found myself drawn to the woman in my arms. Our lips met for a moment. But what a moment! Janet's hand slid up my neck and into my hair, pulling my face to hers again. This time, in addition to the near-electric shock of her lips, I felt her tongue. Soft and wet, she licked my closed lips. With some pressure, my lips parted and her sweet tongue slipped into my mouth. I cupped her warm, soft cheek as my tongue, tingling the whole time, moved with hers. I was responding whole-heartedly to the most exciting kiss of my life. We danced on and on. On the floor and with our tongues. I desperately didn't want this to end. Ever. But, this time Fate was cruel and the song ended. Janet, her face flushed from our kiss (I'm sure mine was just as flushed), looked at me and smiled shyly. Holding my hand in hers, Janet led us back to our booth. We sat silently side by side, my hand still held gently by hers. Finally, Janet said, in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry Sam. I guess I shouldn't have." I looked at her, squeezed her hand, and smiled. "Yes you should have. You made me face something I was afraid of - my growing attraction...my need for you. I've been so confused but I'm not anymore." "You mean...?" "Janet, ever since you were brought back... I was never so scared to lose someone. Not since my mother..." Janet looked at me and I could see the love in her eyes. A few minutes ago that would have terrified me. Now I was thrilled to my very core. "You know, when you woke up in the Infirmary, I almost kissed you." "Yeah?" "Yeah. I actually leaned in when I realized I had an audience." I smiled sadly as I added, "Then, I was wracked with guilt and doubts. I mean, I had never been interested in women or... "After you told me about yourself, I found I was even more confused. I was even jealous of Liz." I laughed, "Even when we got here, I was jealous when you were talking to the bartender. When you came back here, I almost stuck my tongue out at her." Janet laughed, "Nyah-nyah?" "Exactly." "Sam, it's my turn to be honest. I've been head over heels in love with you for...I don't know how long." Janet looked away and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." "Yes. You should. Janet, I don't know if I love you that way. Not yet. But I have never cared for someone as much. Ever." Janet looked deeply into my eyes. Her eyes glimmered with tears. Of happiness? I hoped so. "When I described my ideal woman, you were who I was describing. The reason I was attracted to Liz, and to a lesser degree, the bartender, was that they remind me of you. So does Meg Ryan." "What?" "Cassie noticed it first. She said something about me being fixated on her then she looked at me and said, 'She's Sam!' And she was right." "I remind you of Meg Ryan?" "No-o, Meg Ryan reminds me of you, you goof." "You wanna get outta here?" I asked. "Go home and talk." "Sure. Sam, I won't pressure you about anything. Okay?" "What if I want you too?" In the parking lot, Janet held my hands again and we kissed. It was just as good as before. Somehow we made it to the car even while we were kissing. Dumb luck? Janet's lesbian talents? (And yes, I do spend too much time with the colonel.) In the car, I drove with one hand as I held Janet's hand in my lap. She moved closer and smiled evilly at me. "What?" "Eyes front, Major," she ordered as she released my hand. Then her hand slid under my dress and... I almost ran off the road! "Janet!" In a very innocent voice, she asked, "What?" Just then, I ran onto the gravel shoulder was two of her fingers slipped past my panties. "JANET!!!" "Ooo, you're so wet, Sam." "Don't do that while I'm driving!" "Okay," Janet said as she pulled her hand out from my dress. In the light from the dashboard, I could see the digits gleaming with my wetness. "Mmm, smells good too. Wonder what you taste like..." With exaggerated motions, she began to lick and suck her fingers clean. "Mmm" sounds came from her as she cleaned me off her fingers. She finished with a big sigh and said, "I can't wait to sample the real thing..." Still reeling from almost running off the road, I muttered, "Well, just don't. Not yet." "Oh Sammy, didn't you enjoy that?" I shook my head but we both knew I was lying. "I know what will make it all better." "Not while I'm driving!" Chuckling, Janet turned on the dome light then popped open the rest of her button-fly and took my right hand in hers. I felt her warm belly on my finger tips then the silky curls. Then I felt her wet heat. And Janet was so very wet and so very hot. My fingers slipped into her easily and the silky tightness fit like a warm, soft glove. No...it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. Because it was Janet. She smiled again at me, a smile full of love. But there was a glint of lust shining in her eyes. "Here," she said, removing my hand - I wanted to fight to stay there but something told me not to. As my hand was held before me, I could see Janet's essence gleaming in the light. "Smell." I did and smiled, "Smells musky." "Taste." Her fingers slipped into my mouth and I tasted Janet for the first time. It was salty and sweet and musky and spicy. It was altogether Janet. "Home," she directed and I complied. We pulled up in front of her house. I asked about Cassie but she said our girl was out for the night. "You know, she figured out why I liked Meg Ryan movies before I even did. One night we were watching...some movie and she said, 'She reminds me of Sam.' And I knew she was right." "Oh?" "Well, maybe not the goofy comedy roles so much but..." "Let's go in," I interrupted. I was nervous - scared to death actually - but I wanted this...I wanted her so much. At the door, Janet threw it open, grabbed my hand and jerked me into the foyer. Then she grabbed my head and kissed me as she kicked the door closed. The kiss was hard and hot and heavy with emotion. It was the most intensely emotional kiss I ever had. That's two 'most' kisses in one night from my best friend. My soon to be lover. Janet probed every millimeter of my mouth, her breath exploding into me. I was so overwhelmed, I hardly responded. But I was definitely affected. In a very large way. "I need you!" Janet's statement was as exciting as her kisses. I started to lead her upstairs towards her bedroom when she grabbed my arm. "I need you now! I have waited and I can't wait anymore." Before I could say anything, she was on her knees, pulling up my skirt and jerking down my sopping panties. She breathed deeply. "You smell so sexy..." I almost fell when I felt her tongue touch me. I did fall against the wall as Janet began to probe my inner and outer labia. I squealed when that slick invader pushed into my core. She 'Mmm'-ed into me as she licked my inner walls. Her nose was buried in my pubic curls as she smiled up at me from under her raised eyebrows. She continued to probe me while she used fingers to toy with my clitoris. That had my knees sagging and I ran my hands into her hair (I loved that she was growing it out again!) and held on as she brought me to a screaming climax. Janet sat back on her heels and grinned broadly at me as I slid down the walls. I landed on my butt in a most unlady-like manner which caused her to giggle. I looked at her, pulling her to me to lick my essence of her cheeks and chin. Then it was my turn to claim her mouth as she had claimed mine. Janet curled into my lap as we kissed deeply and passionately for several minutes. Finally, I pulled back. "I want you now. Not just on my fingers," I added with a smile. I directed Janet onto the stairs then peeled her jeans off to look into her oh-so beautiful sex. It was full and wet with a cute, heart-shaped mass of brown fur above it. I didn't hesitate at all. I had to have her. And only her. And she tasted so much better there then on my fingers. Especially when I plunged deeply into her. After exploring her depths thoroughly, I took her hardened clit into my mouth. It didn't take long for me to bring Janet to her first climax. And she was loud too! After she was able to speak, Janet laughed and said, "I guess we don't have to be stand-by dates for each other, do we?" "Nope," I confirmed with a smile. Later, much later, we lay together in her bed. Janet cradled me to her full breast as we poured out our hearts to each other. I thought I knew her but Janet had been showing me more and more of herself over the past few days and now I learned it was a carefully planned scheme of hers to get me "into my evil clutches" she told me with a really bad sinister laugh. We didn't get much sleep that night but neither of us cared. Neither one of us had been this happy before. At least not for a long time. Just before dawn, a sweaty, flushed Janet smiled at me and said, "Sam, I have to tell you. I... Well...just know that I love you. No matter what." "Janet, I don't know if...I... I don't know how I feel yet but..." Kissing me lightly and with love, Janet whispered, "Ssh, my love. You don't have to say anything. At all." Well, it didn't take long. A few weeks later, when Janet told me she loved me again, I was finally able to declare my love for the gorgeous doctor. And that was the happiest day of my life. The End ===== John O'Connor Site: www.asstr.org/~John_OConnor/ "If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's really very funny." -Homer J Simpson