Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2012 19:06:53 -0400 From: Patrick Ballard Subject: The Two Fat Ladies *Disclaimer: This story is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of the celebrities mentioned or any personal knowledge about their private lives. The Two Fat Ladies Early Life Clarissa grew up in a very rich family. Her father was a surgeon for very influential people and her mother an australian heiress. She was the youngest of four children being a nineteen year gap between her and her oldest sister. Clarissa came to food early in life doing experiments with her siblings, like seeing how much brandy she could get into a pound of butter. Clarissa father however was a closeted drunk and took his frustration out on his family. He was known for beating his wife and kids. One time he even took Clarissa by the hair, and what she thought was an attempt on her life, as he bashed her about the place. However, as she got older she stood up to him telling him to pick on someone his own size, like her, when he went after her beloved mom. When she was a young adult her father would only support her if she went into medical school, and she decided instead to become a barrister. She passed her exams and became the youngest one in England, at age twenty one. She left home and when her mom died she was heartbroken but was left 2.8 million. Half of that over the next twelve years would be spend on gambling and drinking alone, she would squandered her entire inheritance. She eventually got barred from law for practicing without chambers and having sex behind the speakers chair in the house of commons. She later ran a cook book shop where a tv producer came to her and introduced her to Jennifer Paterson. Both were little heard of food writers and personal cooks for rich people. The idea for the two fat ladies was pitched and they became friends for eight years before Jennifers untimely death. Jennifer spent the first four years of her life in China with her military family. They had a chinese nanny that took care of her and her two brothers. She always wanted to be the center of attention and with two brothers that proved to be very difficult. At fifteen she was removed from convent school for being disruptive. As she got older she got into parties, loving the booze cigarettes, and attention. As her family moved a lot and not wanting to move or change her lifestyle she went out on her own. With no qualifications she spent most of her life going to drinking parties and cooking for rich families. She had fabulous friends and most importantly, fabulous gay friends that were health conscious, which she wouldn't be into even though in her youth she was beautiful. She had some tv experience being on candid camera and being a stage manager, but mostly her skills were cooking. In her fifties she moved in with her uncle when her odd jobs dried up. She then got work at the spectator; eventually after throwing dishes out the window, as a food writer. Despite the men of the church Jennifer always found the male sex funny. She was never married, and perhaps that was because she giggled whenever a lad had the courage to propose to her. She also lived a haphazard way of living moving all over the place to take care of family or work, and never having a home for herself. The only essentials she needed were her cigarettes. She even wore simple smock tops and black pants all the time in her old age. This would be so she could keep her cigarettes in her front pockets. She worked low position jobs most of her life, but would never be one of the servants. Her personality was big and thats what would make her rise into tv, what she always wanted. For one thing she couldn't be sacked because she would always come back. BBC Cooking Show While the camera was not rolling and the ladies were prepping food for the show they started to get to know each other. Clarissa wasn't sure if she would like the eccentric Jennifer at first but she was funny, and on camera it would look like they were friends for years. "I once ate a baked potato on one of my friends porch" "Yes I'm sure you did dear" The two ladies got beat read and horsey hunched over laughing at Jennifers useless outrageous sentence regurgitation. "Oh shit sorry about that, yes I'm sure you did". With the cameras pointing at the kitchen the show started. An animated introduction with Jennifer riding a motorcycle out of a cookbook and Clarissa in the sidecar began. The intro was sung! Grab that crab, Clarissa! Eat that meat, Jennifer! Why doesn't that pheasant look pleasant! Fasten your taste buds for a gastronomic ride! Cuz us two fat ladies are itching To get into your kitchen! YEAH! (oh yes) The two ladies would cook old English recipes that called for game, wine, lots of cream and fat, and sometime Jennifer would even sew up fish and goose carcass. People would relate to the antics more than the recipes, and could really get into the show. Eventually this show would reach 70 million people worldwide being the most popular cooking show, even though it only had twenty four episodes. When the show was over and the ladies were left to clean up, things got charged. "So you liked my hot potato story huh Clarissa dear". Jennifer took a hot potato out of her huge front smock pocket put it up to Clarissa's crotch under her fat persons dress. Happy to find out she was not wearing any underwear, she rubbed it around and pushed it up inside her tight piggy pink cunt. "Oh its so warm, why are you doing this"! "Because I like you, and you laughed at me, and you always have to pass on a hot potato less you want to get burned". So does it burn you up? "Oh fuck yes oh I'm so hot I want to cum, make me cum Jennifer". She took some bacon grease out of a frying pan and lined Clarissa pussy while taking a bite out of the Potato. Opening her up with a few fingers at first she started licking her out. Clarissa held onto the sink as Jennifer plowed her like a migrant field worker. "I'm going to fuck the shit out of your rich girl sardine". "AAAAAHHHHHH" Clarissa shot all over Jennifers face and huge glasses. The two ladies finished cleaning up, Jennifer having to wipe of her face in the sink, and got the hell out of there for the day. They didn't talk to one another for shock of how this malarky came about. I don't know what came over that crazy bitch Clarissa though but she didn't butter that potato. Clarissa though her vagina might have a start of a blister but she didn't care, overall it was the most exciting sexual thing that ever happened to her. She loved food and was very sexually repressed, and Jennifer seemed the same. This could be the start of a very beautiful friendship! Camping "I thought it would be nice if we went camping, just the two of us, it would give us some good quality time alone." "I've never been camping but I bet it's wet and full of midges". The two ladies had taken the motorcycle out and were driving down a road by the english forest. "Keep your eyes peeled for a good place to set up; hopefully by a stream". The ladies set up a small red tent in a field by the woods. Later that day Jen was sitting in a camping chair by the river with her bike helmet on her head. She was huddled because of the cool breeze, and smoking. Clarissa was fly fishing hoping to catch the main course of their dinner. They got lucky that night in more ways than one, but the fish they caught was the start of the luck. Jennifer was frying up the fish in the gas cooker. Clarissa got out the rest of the goodies in the sidecar in the form of a picnic basket. After picking the bones like two fat cats, Clarissa helped Jennifer to her feet, and the two girls went into the tent. Clarissa pulled down Jennifers pants. Laying on a pillow Jennifer moaned as Clarissa had her dessert eating out Jennifers never used pussy. Even though Jennifer was a seventy year old virgin, and Clarissa only once married, and to a man, the two ladies had brilliant chemistry just like on the set. By nightfall the ladies took a quick skinny dip in the cold stream. Jennifer needed some coaxing into this, but it was for the most part easily decided upon. "You're right about one thing Jennifer were going to get eaten alive out her, better let me get you wet". "You already get me so wet" "Well now I'm going to get you soaked" The two girls giggled, laughed, and screamed as water was kicked up and splashed onto each other's skin. Still soaking wet the ladies ran into their tent and zipped it up. The ladies spend half the night in eachothers arms, cuddling, kissing, and telling stories about their interesting large lives. The Mansion "Ah so good to be back, I had fun but, I don't think you enjoyed the experience as much" said Clarissa. "You know how I feel about the country, cold and wet. I don't know what you see in camping. I just want to go inside and take a nice bath." The two ladies walked inside and dropped their luggage at the door. The house was obviously large and was Clarissas which she got with all her money she had from the two fat ladies. Jennifer lived with her elderly uncle despite her late life wealth accumulation, feeling it wrong to leave him who helped her out, for the last twenty years. The house had a nice fenced in garden outside with a huge metal bath; for when Clarissa needed to boil something too big for the indoors. The inside was very large but only two stories, but a lot going on both levels. "Well lets go straight to the bath dear, I'll lead the way, up the stairs we go, and onto the left". Clarissa sat down in the tub and rested her head against Jennifer's big breasts. "It's good to soak ones aching body after a long day of cooking for people," and being alone with you said Clarissa. "Yes a good bath always feels good, I remember as a child having baths by myself as my parents weren't really fond of my being naked with my brothers, and I filled the tub up with bubble bath, and anything I could get my hands on, and it turned out to be a great big mess! "Huh" sounds like you were taken to the bottle early in life Jennifer. "Let me clean you off a bit dear." Jennifer took half a lemon in the corner and slowly brought it round to Clarissa semi hairy vagina and squeezed, and rubbed it around the lips making Clarissa moan in approval. "Fuck me Jennifer that was great I love lemon juice more so in love and war than even in cooking." "I always love to keep half a lemon around especially if the phone rings and your hands are greasy from cooking, and you put your fingers in, rotate, and your hands will be clean." Clarissa turned her head around and the two fat ladies kissed passionately for a few seconds. "Now that I've been all lemon pledged maybe we could have a little fun my english breakfast." Clarissa grabbed Jen's hand, and wrapped them around her guiding her heavily jeweled fingers into her tight cunt. "Aww Jennifer"! That feels so bloody good keep beating my fucking bowl and I'm going to cum soon. With a hot explosion of orgasmic lust, lady jizz covered Jennifer's fingers, and made a tasty treat for both. Jennifer grabbed a bottle of red wine just outside the tub and with the help of Clarissa popped the cork out. Right from the bottle the two downed large dollops of alcohol. "You know Jennifer I always did like lady fingers." The two roared with laughter, and Jennifer leaned forward, and Kissed Clarissa's shoulder. "The hot water is doing wonders for my body, I think I'm going to lean back and take forty winks love, if thats alright with you." "MMMHMMMM".... The two slept for almost an hour, Jennifers cigarette dropping ashes on the wet bath mat as her numb armed rested limp over the rim of the tub. "Ah", Jennifer head started up at once I must have dozed off". She shook Clarissas shoulder and she stirred awake too. The two ladies toweled each other off and went into the bedroom with the boze. As Jen walked into another bathroom to pee Clarissa opened a sock drawer and took out a black velvet case, and hid it behind her back. "Thats better, too much wine had to take a piss". "Jennifer"? Clarissa got down on her knees with a towel around her waist but wet hair and breasts out in all there glory. "Will you marry me"? Jennifer jumped back dropping and breaking the wine bottle as her hand shot up to her heart. "Oh yes dear oh hell yes I've waited all my life for you love" Clarissa staggered up to her feet with all her weight, and the two women embraced kissing eachother with passion. The Wedding The wedding was held in a huge church that Jennifer use to cook at for the men in the church. Both the fat ladies wanted a church wedding as very early on god was instilled into their lives, especially Jennifer who was a traditionalist. There was a large ice sculpture where the reception was going to be in the shape of a motorbike and sidecar. Around it large amounts of food was prepared for the guests that looked like it was prepared by the ladies themselves; and it was. Clarissa walked into the huge church kitchen in a tux where Jen, also in a tux was adding yet more booze to a soup she was making. "Aw, its terrible bad luck to see the bride before the wedding Clarissa" said Jennifer when she noticed her sneaking up behind her. "You're telling me" Both the ladies roared with wheezing laughter. "I guess we're both the brides, which one of us you think is the man" "Dunno" "Here help me take this out to the table were about to be the guests of honor, and what a wonderful day for it too, god always seems to bless the fags with nice weather." "Oh speaking of fags I hope one of us remembers to make sausage, you think we made enough food"? "Well for them at least" again the two fat ladies thought that was funny and they almost dropped the big pot of soup. With everyone gathered in the pews the two ladies faced each other with a short old bald priest on a wood pedestal standing between them. "Do you Clarissa Dickson Wright take Jennifer Patterson hand in marriage"? "I do" "And do you Jennifer Patterson take Clarissa Dickson Wright to be your lawfully wedded bride?" "Hell yes, oh I mean of course, I mean to say I do". That set everything back for five minutes as everyone scraped themselves of the floor and even Clarissa had to help the priest who was holding his chest and face, was beet red, to his feet again. "Ok then well you may now kiss the bride, Ah each other"! The girls both pulled a fistful of anchovies out of their pockets and smeared it on the others faces eating what did not fall. The crowd was stunned but this wedding was made to order. Untimely Death After a short honeymoon in the Caribbean with food and lots and lots of sex, and sometimes the two put together the ladies returned to london to resume filming the fourth season. Little known to anyone it would be one of their last. During filming Jennifer collapsed. In the hospital she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Jennifer would be hospital bound for the rest of her life. Seeing as it was terminal Jennifers feelings towards cigarettes and booze would not change. When a friend came in two ask her if she wanted to talk about what was going on Jen turned her away saying, "There was a delightfully good movie on the telly that afternoon and she would very well wish not to miss it." If you watch the last episode you could tell something was up as the ladies were more depressed, despite trying to pull it together for television about this tragic news of cancer. The two ladies were happy to have at least finished it but we're sad that the series ended so soon, and knowing it would not go on with one gone. These were the happiest moments in their lives, and Jennifer would have said more than once, (This), to her friends and drinking buddies. Jennifer lay up on her bed smoking late evening, Clarissa sitting by her bed, visiting late. Clarissa took Jennifers cig and took a big drag on it. "You know this stuff will kill you, you could get expelled." The two laughed with tears of sadness running down their cheeks. "Fuck this shit I don't want to go on without you in my life, you are my life" "You have to promise me you'll live a happy life when I'm gone." PROMISE ! Clarissa crying, and her hand over her face nodded. Clarissa got up and kissed her forehead, and left a tin of cookies on the bedside table for her. The next day Jennifer called Clarissa, asking if she could bring over some anchovies for her. By the time Clarissa got there she got a call saying Jennifer passed. She got back in her car drove home and ate the fish in honor of Jennifer, not wanting to see Jennifer the woman she loved dead. A couple weeks later the doorbell rang, answering it the delivery man had Jennifers ashes in an urn for Clarissa. Apparently her late will was to give most of her money to a boys choir, and to send her cremated ashes to Clarissa. This was good for her Clarissa would think, the ashes should go to her, and it was proper she be cremated so she could remain living with her loved ones. Finding a mantel for the urn she started digging through drawers finally coming upon a big black rimmed dildo. She got down to her hand and knees in front of the urn. "This is for you Jennifer are you watching?" She reached around and shoved the dildo up her ass. "Ah fuck yes give it to me, (MA), Clarissa screamed." She moaned, despite anal being new, and a bit much, especially with the size of the instrument being used. Some time later, and the dildo being well greased with the contents in her, she collapsed on her back, chest heaving, and her playing with her breasts. She looked up longingly at the urn sharing the experience she just had with her late wife Jennifer. Some years later, with her autobiography out (Spilling the Beans) Clarissa would talk to the urn, with pictures up around it of her and Jennifer. Asking sometimes what she would do to make a certain dish. She never was remarried and there would be an emptiness in her heart, but she was contemp having meet the love of her life. *