A Renewed Love

By Sunnie Lindell <sunnielindell@gmail.com>

My dreams have been littered by her image, her touch, and her presence since I met her. She entered my life, surprisingly. She entered my life fully. She entered my heart, and has not left it since then. In fact, I have not allowed her image, her being to leave the home of my heart. Our togetherness ended less than a year ago, and I fled back to Canada from California to try and heal my heart. It did not matter, though, how far I got; the feeling of a deep love would not leave. I traveled as far as I could away from her, but to no avail. I even went to a therapist to try and understand why I loved her still, and why I could not let her go. Once again, to no avail. Friends told me to cut her out of my life completely, but I just could not do such a thing. I had faith. I had a belief that she was the one.

She was 49 and I was not yet 30, and somehow, it bothered her, this age gap. It did not bother me, for I saw her soul, her being and that was who I lovedÉthe real her. Her body was as magnificent as the Goddess Venus, her eyes were bright, intense and a lovely shade of hazel. She was taller than me, and strong in many ways.  Her hands touched me with such skill, that I wanted them on me at all times. Her voice was like the most soothing music to my ears. Her lips kissed me with amazing expertise, and would drive me wild any time those beautiful lips met mine. Her passion, her belief in goals, the differences between us, thrilled me. What I did not have, she hadÉand what I had she did not have. It shocked me the day she said that we must separate. I begged her fiercely to reconsider, to rethink, to try and see the deep love that was so present between us. But, she took her touches and kisses away, and only remained my friend. Though, we spent every day together, as we had before. Eventually, it became like torture, wanting her the way I had her before, and not able to go there. I told her I had to leave, that I could not take it anymore. She cried, and became depressed, begging me to stay. But, I left her, not wanting to leave her, wishing that things were different; Wishing I was 20 years older with a career and money and stability. I prayed every night that someday she would realize that it was me that she wanted after all.

I picked up the telephone after not seeing her for some time, one day to see how she was, mostly to hear her voice, and tell her that I still loved her. She said,

"I went out on a date last night, and it was awful."

Something in me jolted, and somewhere in my heart a hopeless feeling arose. I did not want to know that she was dating.

"Why was it so awful, Naomi?" I asked, interested in her answer. She hesitated for a moment, and said,

"Well, she wasn't you." My heart stopped for a moment, and I was shocked by what she had said.

"I don't know what to say, Naomi." I said, unsure of what she meant. The topic got changed, as she often did in vulnerable situations, and she told me that she had to move soon. In a sweet voice she asked me if I would come down and help her. I knew how stressed out she had been lately, and to have to move at this point would not be easy or even possible for her alone. I agreed to go and help her, and made arrangements immediately.

A couple of weeks went by and I was on the bus, and getting off in San Francisco. She was waiting for me there at the station, waving and coming to me quickly, smiling greatly. I dropped my things and received her in my arms, where both of us cried there for a few moments.

"It's so good to see you Jane. I have been counting down the days. Thank you so much for coming to help. I'll take good care of you, don't you worry." She said in her sweet South Carolina accent. I smiled and told her I was happy to be there with her again. She took one of my bags and led me to her car, and we got in and drove out to the country, where she lived. I enjoyed the scenery, lush green hills, cows spotted black and white, hawks circling overhead, and the beautiful woman sitting beside me. We finally got to her house where we greeted the cats and sat down with a drink. Boxes were here and there, partially full and messy. I smiled at her and took a sip of my wine.

"I am so happy to be sitting here with you again, Naomi." I said and leaned back on the couch with my wine in hand. She smiled and said, "me too." The evening went on, as we discussed our lives and the move. We eventually got sleepy and went to our separate rooms to our separate dream worlds, happy to be close again.

She woke me in the morning with a smile and a cup of coffee just the way I liked it, and said that she was going to work. I admired her in her Park Service uniform, and told her to leave me a list of things I could pack. She smiled beautifully and left me to my day.

She returned that evening put her bag down and said,

 "Something smells so good!" Then she came to give me a hug once she saw me. "It reminds me of beforeÉcoming home to you, with a meal made, and a hot bath awaiting meÉandÉ." She said, trailing her words off.

"You do have a bath awaiting you. And here's your drink." I said, handing her the cocktail. She smiled hugely and said,

"See, just like old times. You spoil me Jane, and I love it!" I smiled again and went to the kitchen to stir the stir-fry, and she went off to her bath. And, after a while, just like old times, she called me into the bathroom to chat with her while she bathed. I grabbed my drink and floated into the steamy room and sat nearby on the floor.

"You did a lot today, I see. Thank you so much. It feels like a load has been taken off my shoulders, having you here." She said languorously. I tried not to gaze upon her naked form, and said,

"Well, I am glad that I can be useful. Plus, you are turning fifty soon, and I wanted to be here for that, and maybe pamper you a bit." She sipped her cocktail and said,

"You are way too sweet Jane. I may not let you go this time." She giggled, and I wondered what she meant by her words. She truly must be joking. One of her cats came into the room and flopped on my lap, purring continuously.

"The cats missed you too. But not nearly as much as me." She said, making me wonder even more. I smiled, looked into her eyes finally and said,

"I missed you like I have missed no other."

She smiled and I looked away.

"Well, dinner should be ready. Take your time, and I will meet you out there." I said and got up, putting the cat onto the floor. It was terrible to see her beautiful body and not be able to touch her. I went to the kitchen, and waited for her to come in.

 "Oh my god! You made my favorite!" She said excitedly hugging me happily, with a quick kiss. We grabbed our plates and dished the food onto them, and sat down. I poured some wine, first in her glass, then into mine. She toasted me, smiled and began to eat, moaning the whole time, commenting on how good the food was. It made me so happy to see her so happy, and to know that I was the cause of that happiness. She had not had it easy recently, and I could see the tension and stress in her face. We finished our food rather quickly and sat back in our chairs for a while chatting about her work, and the job I had left to come down here. We cleaned up after a while, and she asked if I wanted to be lazy and watch a movie with her in her room. We had always done this before, and it was always enjoyable, being closely snuggled to someone you loved, and watching a good movie. I agreed, of course, and we poured another drink and went to her room. She read out what movies were on and we chose some sort of Drama Romance, and then we got onto the comfortable bed.

"Oh, this is so nice." she said, as we settled onto the pillows next to each other. The movie started, and we moved even closer. She looked at me smiling innocently and said,

"Do ya wanna cuddle?" I giggled and said "of course!" I wrapped my arms around her warm and luscious body, and she moved closer and put her head on my shoulder. I smelled the familiar scent of her, and felt at home again. My heart was beating so fast, I hoped that she wouldn't hear it. We settled into a comfortable position, which was easy, because our bodies were made to fit together. We fell asleep, not even watching t.v.

Days passed like this, similar to the one before, though Naomi would help pack and clean after work for a little while. Days went by where we didn't cuddle again, and I hoped that would change.

She came home on Friday night, ready for the weekend. She BBQ'd Ribs, made an amazing salad, and fed me whiskey. I made macaroni and cheese the way she liked it, and we sat down happily to eat. After the delicious southern style meal, we sat close together on the couch, talking and mostly laughing about the past, dreaming about the future, watching the light of the day disappear. We became quite tipsy, and slowed our alcohol drinking down so we could enjoy the evening longer. She put her feet up on the table, moved even closer and put her head on my shoulder, sighing. I put my arm around her gently, and sighed as well. There was serene silence for some time until she sighed again and said,

"I have missed this Jane, this closeness with you." I felt a bit nervous, and replied,

"Yes, I have missed it as well."

"Do you want to go cuddle in bed, and see if there is a movie on?" She asked sweetly. I nervously agreed and we got up slowly and went into her room with our drinks. We chose a movie, got under the blankets and snuggled close to one-another. The movie began and we began to warm up under the covers. My head was close to hers and our arms were happily around each other as we watched the movie. Half way through, her right hand began to caress my belly slowly, barely noticeable. Soon it became noticeable, her hand moving to my breast, caressing a bit and then stopping.

"Perhaps I shouldn't continueÉ" She said softly near my ear, warming it with her breath. Her hand still rested there on my breast, and my heartbeat raced. I moved a little and caressed her hair and her neck and looked at her softly. Her hand continued to touch me then, and the look on her face was unsure. I put my hand on her face then and kissed her gently on her lips, lingering for some time. Soon she responded and kissed me hungrily, bringing me instant bliss. We wrapped our arms tightly around each other, and moved our bodies close, kissing madly. We moaned and moved around the bed, touching and caressing and kissing. She soon took my clothes off as I removed hers desperately. We paused for a moment, as she leaned over me, our naked skin touching softly. She looked at me thoughtfully, touched my face gently and said,

"I don't know if this is a good idea, but I know I have craved this closeness with you. You are so beautiful Jane." She came close and kissed me once again in her special way. My whole entire body was buzzing and I realized how much I had missed this, and how much I tried to forget how wonderful it was to be with her. Her hands explored the familiar land of my body, bringing me more and more bliss. My hands danced upon her Goddess body, rejoicing and bringing pleasure. She moved on top of me and moved her yoni as close as she could get to mine, and moved her hips rhythmically with mine. She kissed me more, and we moaned happily together. Soon, our fingers made their way to the wetness between legs. She had never been so wet! I skillfully touched her the way she liked to be touched, spending time with her clitoris, and then entering her. She created her magic with my yoni, and soon we were making love passionately, moaning louder, sweating and kissing. The moment came for an amazing climax, both vibrating and pulsating together, making wild sounds, grabbing at each other desperately. I knew that we had never made love so powerfully before and reveled in how I was feeling. Our tears fell as we embraced one-another, shaking and full of love. It took a bit of time for us to calm down and breathe properly again, and we still held tightly onto each other. She looked at me lovingly and stroked my hair softly.

"Are you okay?" She asked. I smiled, kissed her and said,

"I am more than okay, I am fabulous!" She giggled, still looking at me, studying me it seemed.

"How are you?" I asked, touching her shoulder lightly. She smiled and said,

"I am great! I just hope this was not a mistake."

"I don't think it was a mistake. We love each other deeply, Naomi. Why would it be wrong to make love to each other?" I said, unsure of myself. She paused in thought for a moment, then said,

"I guess I still don't know what I want. But I do know I want you close to me and I do know that I love you deeply." I kissed her forehead and replied,

"Why don't we just see what happens naturally. We have a lot of work to do, and I will be here for a while. Let's not over think what is happening. That was a mistake we used to make, we don't need to do so now." She smiled, touched my face and said,

"You can be so wise sometimes, honey. I love you so much." I kissed her for a few moments and lay back on the pillows. She cuddled up to me and we fell asleep soon after.

We woke in the morning, and I could feel her distance. I was used to this behavior in her, I knew it well. She was often unavailable and removed. I simply started my day, floating around her, working hard and packing until bedtime.

Morning came, and so did she, to my bed to cuddle. Her warm body slid beside me quietly, and her arms wrapped around me. I said `good morning' and snuggled into her warmth. She spooned me and held me closer. Her breath was calm, and warm on the back of my neck. Her scent wafted around me, bringing me much joy.

"I dreamed about you last night, and I woke up and just had to hold you." She said softly. I smiled to myself, remembering the dreams I had had about her the night before. Before long, her hand had begun to caress my belly, once again. She kissed the back of my neck, sending chills down my spine, caressed my breasts, making my nipples rise to greet her beautiful fingers. She continued to kiss my neck and nibble my ear, pressing her body against mine. I caressed her thigh and buttocks and her fingers snuck down to my very wet vagina. She moaned at what she had discovered, and fingered my clitoris perfectly. I opened my legs to receive her better, and her fingers slipped into me expertly finding my G-spot. My hips moved in enjoyment, and my yoni welcomed her fingers happily. Her hips began to move with mine, so I moved onto my back, not disturbing what her hand was up to. She kissed me fervently and I moved my hand down her torso and into her pants, finding her own wetness there. I fingered her clitoris softly, then quickly for a bit of time, and then entered her with two fingers. Her legs opened up more and her kissing became wild. We moved our fingers and hips as needed, moaning loudly at the walls, knowing the neighbors could hear, but not caring. I found her G-spot, and was determined to bring her a phenomenal orgasm. It was a difficult thing to do, but I worked hard, while she gave me unbelievable pleasure. Her moans became like cries, not quite screams, and I knew I was getting close. Our hips pumped with each other and our limbs wrapped around the other's body. Finally an extremely powerful orgasm engulfed us both, and we let out appropriate screams of pleasure. We writhed and shook as our yoni's pulsated together and gushed out wetness.

"Oh God!" She yelled and fell back out of breath. I fell back as well, overwhelmed by my feelings, letting go of tears. She came to me, kissed my tears and held me close until my feelings subsided. After a while, she pulled away and looked at me with a smile on her face.

"Okay, I think we should get up and start our day." She said smiling, and got up offering her hand to pull me up. I grabbed it, got up and straightened out my clothes. She came and hugged me, then lingered with a kiss. She led me to the kitchen where she made us coffee, and kept sending me loving looks. I puttered around cleaning and packing. She came and gave me a kiss with my coffee, smiled sweetly and then began to work on packing. We worked hard again, and once again went to our separate rooms to sleep.

She had to work the next day, and I ended up sleeping in and not waking with her. When I rose, I worked all day, made a delicious meal, ran her a bath with lavender oil and candles all around, and a glass of wine for her to sip. She got home as I was doing this and found me there with a huge smile on her face she came close and I undressed her, lit the candles and watched her get into the steaming liquid. I loved her body, every bit of it, and wanted to worship every inch.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Naomi." I said, admiring her lovely form.

"Me? Give me a break!" She said, doubting my words.

"Yes you, and yes, you are, believe it or not." I said, still gazing at her.

"I think you are nuts." She said and giggled. "Now you on the other hand are the most beautiful creature around."

I smiled and handed her the glass of wine. She smiled and said,

"Why do you treat me so well Jane, even after I broke your heart?" I took a breath to get ready to say what I had to say.

"Because I am still in love with you." I said nervously and got ready to leave the room. She looked at me intensely and thoughtfully, waiting to respond, making the silence almost unbearable.

"Can I have some time alone, Jane?" She asked.

"Sure. I am going to eat in my room. Come and talk when you are ready." I said, refilled her wine and left. I went to my room and waited nervously for her.

I finally heard her knocking, and she came in.

"I thought about what you said, Jane. It freaked me out at first and confused me. Why would you still be in love with me? I have done nothing to deserve your love. I have been the most difficult person with you, and I am sure I have driven you crazy at times. I just don't understand. Why, Jane, why?" She said softly. I took a breath and looked at her.

"It is fairly simple. I love you, and I can't stop loving you." I said.

"No one has loved me as much as you love me. Often women ran in terror from me! I guess I just don't trust love. I never have. I am cynical and hard shelled. It's hard for me to understand why you love this cynical woman who sits in front of you now. I am so sorry that it has been so difficult to be with me. Will you give me another chance? Will you stay, and see if we can make another go at it?" She said, holding my hands. I looked at her, to see if she really meant what she was saying, and waited a moment to see if she would take back her words.

"Are you sure?" I asked. She smiled and said,

"I have never been more sure of anything." She said strongly.

"I will stay, then." I said and smiled. She immediately fell into my arms in tears again, and we sat there for some time in our emotional embrace. I had never known her to be this way, and I knew it was a good sign. She pulled away, took my face in her hands and said,

"From this moment on, I will treat you well. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated. I will trust your love from now on." She kissed me perfectly, bringing me a deep feeling of peace.

"And I will continue loving you like you deserve to be loved." I said and smiled.

"Well, I am glad that we got that sorted out. Now we can get on with our lives. I love you so much, Jane. I am so happy that you will stay. Now we can make a new home together." She said and got up. "Now, do you want to sleep with me, in my bed?" I smiled and replied,

"Of course, I would love that." She helped me up, held my hand and led me to her bed. I hoped that I would be able to sleep with her every night. She cuddled up to me and held me. There was no need for any more words. Our love had deepened in one day, and this simple act of affection was wonderful. A Rumi poem kept floating in my mind as I fell asleep in her strong arms.

"When you find yourself with the Beloved, Embracing for one breath, In that moment you will find your true destiny. Alas, don't spoil this precious moment. Moments like this are very, very rare."

I knew I would never spoil this love. I would cultivate it, and help it to grow strong, I would do everything I could to make it work between us. I would continue to treat her like the Queen that she was, my Queen, my Beloved.