Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2021 13:41:34 -0400
From: Trish
Subject: A Tart In The Bedroom, Part 1

  A Tart In The Bedroom

  Part 1 of 2

   By Trish

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"You pathetic worm!"

I ducked as a china teapot flew in the general direction of my head.

"You lost another bloody job!"

"Look Lynn it's not my fault! The company's gone bust!" I wailed as
another china ornament flew at me only this time it glanced off my
head before impacting on the doorframe. Wildly I waved the letter of
redundancy towards her "Look! It's in here!" clumsily dropping the
letter in my anxiety.

Hurling a mug at my head, which I amazingly managed to catch, my wife
of two months stalked across the room and swept up the letter
snapping. "Fuck off! I don't want to see you!"

Shuffling away I ran for the door, grabbing my scruffy denim jacket as
I passed the coat hooks. Closing the front door I heard her angry,
crying. "Off to the bloody pub and his mates!"

I almost felt guilty about leaving her, but I knew when she was in
this sort of rage she was best left alone.

To be honest with you I wasn't that bothered about losing my job. I
didn't like it much anyway. Sitting in front of a computer all day was
not what I wanted to do. I wanted to use my degree to work in
conservation, and had taken the voluntary redundancy quite willingly.
Lynn earns more than enough from her job for both of us so what was
the problem? I dearly love my fiery wife but I don't want to come
across as a sponger here because I am not.

I had already phoned the British Trust for Conservation Volunteers and
got a position with them, but it was likely to be an unpaid one or at
best part-time, minimum wage. I was not sure quite sure how Lynn was
going to react to that but I thought it would all work out. The only
reason why had stayed with the most recent bloody job in the first
place was to make her happy, the two previous similar jobs, I had quit
after a month or so due to the sheer boredom they entailed!

Since we met she had been the controlling force in our relationship,
setting our joint aims and the like. I had been a shyish second year
conservation and land management BSc student. I had avoided most of
the student madness by keeping my head down and going for good grades.
I had an ambition to be a National Park Ranger and knew all to well
that to get such a position took a lot of luck and a very good degree.

I was quite active in the College's climbing club though and it was at
a club meet in Langdale that I met Lynn. She was with a few of the
girls from the club on a hen night for one of the collage tutors. They
had all trooped off to Ambleside dressed up to the nines in one of the
mini buses leaving the rest of us to get pissed on Old Peculiar in the
Old Dungeon Ghyll. After closing time and a few good hearted chants
of, "The barman is a wanker!" we staggered back to the campsite
finding much to our stupid drunken mind's amusement that some of the
girl's tents had been flattened by the wind and were now sopping wet.

It must have been three in the morning when they got back. Imagine it.
Seventeen screaming drunk women dressed in short dresses and high
heels having to navigate their way back to their tents on a muddy
campsite in a howling gale and driving rain. Like the rest of the
campers that night I was awakened by the girls noises. Then I heard a
laughing voice. Half awake fumbling for my sleeping bag zipper I heard
the flysheet of my tent being undone.

"I think Barry's in here on his own Lynn? He's cool, I shared a tent
with him at the New Year meet."

I recognised the speaker as Karen who was following the same course as
me at College. "You'll like him Lynn, trust me and anyway - it's him
or the van!"

"Karen?" I slurred still well smashed from my five pints of Old
Peculiar and one pint of 'The Executioner' that I had been given as
part of the round at closing time. "What's up?"

"Barry meet Lynn. She needs a tent, hers is flat! Lynn meet Barry!"

In the dull beam of Karen's torch I vaguely made out what can be best
described as the drunken monster woman from hell. Her makeup had run
all over her face due to the evening activities and the harsh
wind-driven rain. Long red tendrils of hair flapped around her glazed
unfocused eyes.

"All right!" She introduced her self with slurred speech. "I Lynn. Me
tent flat!" Having been in the to drunk to converse state myself, I
followed her train of thought easily.

"Best come in then, hadn't you?"

"Cheers Barry," Karen said, grinning at her friend. "She's going to
hate her self in the morning. I'm off to the van." Then she was off
confidently striding over the field with an assurance that comes from
having being a farmer's daughter.

We were both smashed and after a lot of laughing on both our parts
Lynn managed to get her sleeping bag laid out in the confines of my
tiny tent and herself snugly in side it. By now I had somewhat sobered
up and asked if she wanted a hot chocolate?

"Umh yesh!" Came the slurred reply, "chocolate Ree!"

From that moment a beautiful if somewhat stormy relationship was born
and now here I was two years later wandering down to my local pub
feeling like a total shit for upsetting her like that. But relieved
that as of Monday week I would be doing something I liked. After a
pint or two and a game of darts I had pretty much forgotten about the
row and walked home. When I got home the house was in darkness and I
guessed that Lynn had gone to bed early. As quietly as I could and
forgoing my usual night-time mug of tea I crept in to our bedroom and
got undressed. Just as I was about to lift the duvet Lynn coldly said.
"What makes you think I want to see you?"

"Hi love!" I said sheepishly. "Erm I was coming to bed?"

Click! The sudden light dazzled me for a moment. I could see Lynn
silhouetted in front of the bright bedside light. "So what? Didn't I
tell you I didn't want to see you?"

"Er. Yes Lynn." I replied I had never seen her in a mood quite like
this one before.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Get another job." I hurriedly said. "I phoned the BTCV this morning
and they could use me."

"Is it a paid full time position?" She asked coldly.

"Erm probably not." I prevaricated.

"No." She looked at me in the light and said in a tone with absolutely
no give in it what so ever. "If you are working for nothing or on
short contract? NO!"

I was about to talk but she cut me off. "Unless you want a divorce?"
"No." I whispered. "Not that please. I love you."

"Well you could have fooled me!" She grunted. "Sometimes I wonder what
it is that I ever saw it you."

"Please Lynn I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. If the company
hadn't gone bust I would have kept at it. Honest! Please Lynn don't
leave me!"

"All right then I wont, but if the BCTV job you're talking about is
not paid then I will find you a job and you will bloody well do it to
the best of your abilities - or else!"

I knew the thing she hated most about me was my attitude to
employment. Before we married I had something like 7 or 8 temporary
contracts from the likes of the BTCV on council funded projects but
had never managed to secure a full time position. It had been a
condition of our marriage that I got and kept a full time job.

"It's a deal." I replied, knowing that I was going to do whatever she
said anyway. I had argued a few times when I had been offered full
time post in the more remote parts of the country. That we should move
was my suggestion - to which she always replied that her job being the
far better paid meant we should stay. She was right too, she earned
four times what I was currently paid.

I thought I saw the makings of a smile one her face when she said.
"Since I can see it in your face that the position is a voluntary one.
I will make a few phone calls in the morning and see what I can find?
You might as well as take the earliest possible redundancy. Mrs.
Johnson (our part time house cleaner) is on holiday for a month. You
can cover for her rather than me getting someone else. I will pay you
at her rate for the work and give you a housekeeping allowance for the
food and the like."

Having little choice in the matter anyway I agreed with her decision
and hesitantly slipped in to bed as she turned of the light.
"Oh and Barry?"

"Yes love?" I replied.

"I expect you to sort out your appearance, off with your bum fluff
beard and sort out your hair. I don't care what you do with it
particularly, tie it back. But?" I could hear the amusement in her
voice. "I would appreciate it if you didn't get it cut. I like your
hair! But it will have to be kept neat. The people I know through work
don't mind long hair on men so long as it tidy and looked after."

"Yes love." I replied to her back.

Next morning she acted as if the previous night had not taken place.
As usual it was, "Morning sweetie," a kiss and then she was off,
leaving me to finish my breakfast, grab my jacket and hop on to the
tube for work. Not that I or anyone else did much, I spent the morning
answering emails and playing 'Quake' on the network before going to
see the personnel staff at lunch time.

Delighted that they could shed more staff early, they told me I could
finish the following Friday. When I got home that night, I made the
dinner while waiting for Lynn to get home. I told her my news but she
didn't seem that bothered asking only how long dinner would be because
she had a few calls to make.

After dinner we had a comfortable evening in front of the telly with a
bottle of wine. This was somewhat unusual because normally Lynn
brought a load of work home with her or was studying up on some money
laundering tax fiddle while I would go to the pub for a pint and a
game of darts. It was lovely we had not done this since I was a
student and I told her so, to which she sadly shook her head.
"I know love, but I will pay for it tomorrow as I have a load of
papers I should be looking at and," she looked at me sheepishly. "It
occurred to me this morning that I haven't had much time for you since
our honeymoon." Then to my delight she KISSED me! Adding in a mock
serious tone, "And didn't I tell you to shave?"

"You did yes, I am going to shave it when I get home from work
Friday," adding (hoping that this was the right moment). "The BTCV? It
IS part time in a paid position."

"Don't worry about it. Kelly Westbrough needs some one who can fly a
PC. I asked her today, she's a bit dubious but wants to meet you, so I
invited her and Bob to dinner on Saturday night. I meant to tell you
this earlier but it slipped my mind. Mrs. J is flying off tonight so
you will have to do the house as well as the dinner. Sorry but you did
say you would do her work?"

"Fine." I replied, "What do you want for dinner?"

"Think up a couple of menus will you and let me know? I will find out
what she likes." Lynn smiled and kissed me again. "You will like
Kelly, she's in wholesale. I deal with her account." Running her hands
through my hair she said in a worried tone. "Want a hand with your
hair? I am not sure I trust a snippy hairdresser." Pulling me towards
her she kissed me again more forcefully. "Let's go to bed love, I am
feeling horny!"

The next few days dragged, the only indication of what she had in mind
for me was on the Thursday morning. As usual, over the previous week I
had just lobbed my washing in the basket forgetting all about Mrs.J
being away and I had no clean underpants. Lynn had laughed at my
predicament and given me a pair of her plain everyday M&S knickers.
The only real difference between my own and this pair was a line of
stretchy lace that followed the leg opening on the front. Feeling a
little kinky I did as she suggested and got on with my day. Friday was
exactly like the Thursday only it dragged more. By 3.30 I knocked it
on the head, said my goodbyes and went home early to miss the Friday
rush out of London. As usual on a Friday I stopped off at the pub and
had a couple of pints before walking the half-mile home. Much to my
surprise as I strolled along enjoying the evening sunshine Lynn pulled
up beside me in her car.

"Finish early tonight?" I asked, getting in beside her.

"Got every thing done that I needed to do so I came home early for a
change. What's for tea?"

"Dunno yet, I haven't looked, what do you fancy?"

"Fish and chips!" She giggled, "I was in Luton today and walked past a
chippy and they smelled heavenly."

"Sounds good to me. You going to get them?"

"Yes, I'll do it while you are having a shower and a shave." She
laughed pulling up in our drive, "You can borrow my razor and cream if
you want? It's a lot less harsh on the skin than that superdrug stuff
and the blades are sharper than those 'Bic' disposables you bought."

Getting home together at the same time was a strange experience we
kept on bumping in to each other. She laughed and said kissing me,
"You make the tea, I'll go and change love."

Minutes later we were sat in the living room chatting about how our
day had gone in comfortable companionship. Finally Lynn said with a
silly sly grin. "I'm hungry! You go and get cleaned up. Don't bother
about washing your hair I'll do it for you before I give you a trim."

"Hokey dokey." I replied and went to shred my face with the razor -
something I was not accustomed to at all. After nearly three years I
had finally managed to cultivate something approaching a beard and now
I was going to remove it! Ah well! Good bye the Jesus look and hello
to whatever Lynn had in mind for me. Not that I was complaining about
it mind. Like I said I love my bossy, often infuriating wife, and
would pretty much do anything to keep her. If she wanted to improve my
hair and appearance then I was going to go along with it. I could
always get it cut if it was a disaster. Also, more importantly I did
not want to another round with that scary anger she had shown on
Monday night!

My face felt kind of strange when she called me down for our take a
way dinner and the house smelt kind of strange, not just of the fish
and chips but something else as well. Smiling at my clean-shaven face
she said. "Hon, you already look better, I had forgotten how good
looking you were under that bumfluff!"

Straight after we had eaten she had me bent over the sink and was
dolloping the stuff I had caught a whiff of earlier on to my head. It
smelt appalling and looked and felt like warm green mud as she rubbed
it on to my hair. Making sure that she had coated every hair she
pulled a disposable shower cap over my head informing me that I would
have to keep the herbal 'conditioner' in my hair for at least 3 hours.

Not that she was idle during that time - oh no! First of all she
slapped a face pack on me and while that was doing, she manicured my
fingernails using a buffing set to produce a healthy shine to the
nails surface. Once my face pack was removed we had a coffee over
which I admitted that I was really enjoying being pampered.

Next up were my eyebrows, "Nothing obvious," she assured me before
she started in with her tweezers "Just going to tidy the stray hairs!"

I had seen her do this to herself on hundreds of occasions and had
never quite realised just how painful it was. For all it was painful
it was also quite amusing to watch Lynn, she looked so stupid with her
tongue stuck out in concentration.

"Whass' up?" She half heatedly muttered seeing the expression in my
eyes.

"Your tongue."

Mumbling. "Oh that? Yea!" she returned to tugging at my eyebrows.

Once she finished she gently caressed some potion or other on to my
eyebrows which quickly eased away any lingering discomfort. By now my
head was itching wildly and had become very annoying, Lynn smirked as
she kept batting my hands away.

"Don't do that you will ruin the buff up I gave your nails."
Exasperated I moaned. "They're gonna get knackered tomorrow anyway,
what with the cooking and cleaning!"

Lynn laughed. "That's tomorrow and this is now, so keep your bloody
hands down!"

Finally she said with a happy smile. "Time Hon, let's see what we
got!"

It took forever for her to rinse the stuff from my hair. This time I
noticed that she had on a pair of disposable gloves and had a sudden
sickening thought. She wasn't dying my hair was she? Christ what were
the lads down at the pub going to think?

I felt my self hauled upright and tried to catch a glimpse of my hair
colour but Lynn had already gathered it all up under a towel. Using it
to vigorously rub my head the moment I was upright before trading it
for a dry towel to re-wrap around my head.

"Bring your chair over here and I will get you finished." In a mock
nasty tone she snipped her scissors, adding in a deep voice. "Trust
me?"

"Course!" I told her adding. "I'll probably have to get it cut for a
job anyway!"

Lynn guffawed. "Mebbe not, if Kelly likes you? I know exactly what she
likes and she is just gonna love you!"

"And if I don't like it? I hesitated to ask this but I had a ghastly
feeling about something. I didn't know what but I felt she was up to
something else.

I could feel the change in her as she stiffened and said in a very
cold tone. "Your views are of no interest to me at all on this matter.
You agreed to let me find you a job and I think I have. And now you
are going to try and get it with all of your heart, or you are going
to leave and we shall get a divorce!"

Defensively I said. "I was only asking. I guessed the rest and I'll go
along"

She glared at me snipping her scissors and waiving her comb. "You had
better!"

I kept trying to see my hair as she brushed the knots and lugs out but
since it was wet it looked the same and I breathed a misguided sigh of
relief. After a while I felt her tilt my head and start to cut.
Running her scissors through my hair at about the level of my
shoulders I heard more than felt her cut my hair to that length all
round before combing it and trimming the strays. As Lynn chopped I
could sense her anger receding. Testing the ice I said lightly. "Come
on love, get on with it I am dying to see what you have done!"

"In a minute!" she laughed taking my olive branch. "I am an accountant
not a hairdresser. Let me do the front and then I give you a quick
blow dry and you can get down the pub for lasts if you want."

Perhaps?" I mused knowing that she would like this, "Except that I
would rather be with you!"

"Flirt!" She accused and started to cut way a good bit of my hair at
the front. "Will you indulge me? I want to see how you would look with
a bit of curl in your hair?" She kissed me on the lips and said with a
lusty look. "This isn't for Kelly tomorrow, it's for me tonight..."

"We got some booze?" I grinned in anticipation.

"Two bottles of bubbly on ice enough?" She grinned.

"Well!" I Humphed, "Get on with it!"

With a delighted giggle she kissed me again and straightened the
hairline of the fringe that she had just given me. Next she lifted a
bag of rollers and some pins. Using only the largest she rolled them
in to the bottom of my hair and pinned them in place. Spraying the
hair wound rollers with a blue lotion she made sure the rest of me was
straight and shoved her hairdryer over my head before walking away. I
don't know how long I was under for but it felt like an age.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head when she got back. The reason why
she had been so long was to change in to the incredible vision
standing in front of me. Short blond hair, intense blue eyes
highlighted with skilfully applied makeup and a pair of glistening
strident red lips!

Her fitness-trained body was shown off in a tight shiny black basque
and tiny knickers. Attached to the basque by thin straps were a pair
of fine stockings that made her legs look longer especially since she
was wearing a pair of high black strappy heels. Jesus she was
beautiful!

"You like?" She giggled lifting the dryer off my head. "Since you had
been so good I decided to treat you. Remember that thing on the telly
about that Los Vegas men's salon with the lingerie clad hairdressers?"
She pirouetted in front of me adding. "You have your own personal
hairdresser now love."

Her hands reached out and tested my hair before quickly undoing the
rollers. "Perfect!" She enthusiastically cried teasing my hair out.
"Just how I had hoped it would look." She winked teasingly at me. "The
curls really make you look cute. Don't think you will like it much at
first though!" Nodding at the door, "Go and take a look in the hall
mirror, or the bog if you want a full length view. I'll," she giggled.
"Open the booze and wait for you upstairs."

Not quite sure what she meant when she said I would not like it I
walked briskly in to the hall and stopped. "Oh fuck!" I said aloud
looking in horror at the decidedly feminine reflection looking at me.
My hair! I now had henna red hair, similar to how Lynn had hers at
university. But where hers had been a hippyish mop, mine was cut in
that long fringed bob that you see women driving Land Rover
Discovery's wearing! Turning my head from side to side I saw what she
had done with the rollers and did not like the way the ends of my hair
curled inwards towards my neck or how it moved!

Grabbing one of my many hair bands I grasped it and quickly pulled it
back. Oh Jesus! Pulled back it looked even worse! A short ponytail,
that just asked for a velvet scrunchey to hold it in place at the back
and a girlish feathered fringe at the front. Then I noticed my
eyebrows, she had plucked them in to a pair of thin feminine high
arches.

Just what did she expect me to do to keep our marriage going?
After long minutes of self-discussion looking at my reflection I
decide that my best bet was not to complain too much. The thought that
I would have to go out looking like this disturbed me, but the thought
of losing Lynn, while she sat waiting up stairs and dressed up to the
nines for me just was not to be considered!

Forcing a smile on my face I walked up to our bedroom saying as
lightly as I could and hoping that my voice was not trembling. "Bit of
a shock Lynn. I'll get you for this!"

"No you wont!" She pouted sipping a glass of bubbly. "I am going to
make it all so worthwhile for you? And anyway, "she drawled. "I think
you look dead sexy with that little under curl in the bottom of your
hair. Yummy! So pretty! Now come here!"

The next morning I stumbled out of bed and in to the loo feeling
literally 'shagged out!' Only to be once again shocked by my
'improved' appearance in the mirror as I cleaned my teeth. If anything
my hair now looked even redder and more feminine than it did the night
before! Knowing that nothing on the earth was going to convince Lynn
to let me get it cut before tonight and even if I did what about my
eyebrows?

"Oh!" I looked round to see Lynn grinning contentedly, leaning against
the doorframe naked. "I love the contrast between the red in your hair
and pale skin!"

"Er... Thanks. Its kind of weird though?"

"Not at all weird Hon," She said looking at me as if I was a
simpleton. "I know what Kelly likes and like I said she will love you!
Now I have a stack of homework to do and you have the housework and
washing to do. I'll have my breakfast in the study when it's ready.
Cummon! Mush! I am busting for the loo."

Dubiously with a 'guess she knows what she is doing' shrug I went and
dressed. It was perhaps an hour later when I was washing up that it
occurred to me just what a night she had given me! My body still
showed with the odd bite mark just how much I had gained. Lynn had
never been that sensual a person, yet last night she had been
positively wanton in her demands for pleasure. Demands that I had
willingly applied myself to with a passion. Perhaps there was a silver
lining in all this after all? I mused as I put the house to rights.

We had decided on tomato and basil soup with chicken and leek pie with
spring vegetables, followed by apple pie and ice cream for dinner. I
am the first to admit that there are not many things that I am better
at than Lynn, but cooking is definitely one of them. Lynn can and does
burn baked beans! Cooking is something she hates with a passion and I
really enjoy so it was not very long after we started living together
that I all but threw her out of MY kitchen!

The dinner was easy because apart from the fresh Vegetables the only
thing I had to make up from scratch was the pastry - the rest was in
the freezer. None of it was readymade either, for although Lynn had no
problems with a diet of Pot Noodles, takeaways and telly dinners, I
did! Insisting that she ate real food instead of processed junk, I
reinforced the point by making up 'ding' portions for her to just lob
in the microwave and get a fast food kick when she remembered to eat.

I have my mother to thank for it. Before I was a teenager she had
drummed the rudiments of good cooking in to me. Not that I appreciated
it until I got to university and then I found I still had what she
taught me and it saved a fortune! Lynn often jokes that I won her the
moment I made her that chocolate in the tent.

Throughout the day, Lynn would periodically call for coffee accepting
it with a grunt hardly taking her eyes from her computer. After a
while I got the feel for the cycle and started to try to pre-empt her
calls. I never quite got to the point of being there when she would
look at her empty mug and bellow but I came bloody close! By five in
the afternoon I was ready and had got comfortable in front of the
football results. Oblivious, I sat waiting for the City result. All I
had in my mind was if we win we are in the Premier-ship with United,
if we don't then it's a play off game so I did not notice Lynn
standing at the door. Then there it was, "4 bloody 1!" I laughed
delighted. It had not been fun being a Manchester City fan at
university!

"You sound happy?" She drawled grinning at my madcap capering round
the front room singing. "Four one, Four one!"

Embarrassed I looked up through my girlish hairstyle and said
blushing. "We won!"

"I guessed!" Lynn laughed. "Get me a glass of wine will you? I'm going
for a long soak. You all sorted?"

"Ready to roll." I grinned, wishing I were going to be at Main Road
that evening.

After her bath Lynn got changed and gave me a hand tidying up the
kitchen until at just after seven, when Kelly and her husband arrived.
After a flurry of introductions at which neither of them reacted as if
there was anything strange about my appearance, Lynn took them for
'the tour'.

Once she had shown our guests the house I organised some drinks and
went to check on my soup. We had two rounds and as we chatted I could
feel Kelly's assessing gaze which was more than a little
disconcerting. Bob it seemed was a former stockbroker who had made a
packet and spent his life touring golf courses. Tall and rangy he
towered over his wife. He also possessed a whimsical understated sense
of humour, which soon had us all laughing. Kelly on the other hand was
about five six or so, very curvaceous with an expressive face in which
her dark eyes twinkled with intelligence. When my watch bleeped I
stood up and said. "Dinner in ten minutes sound good to every one?"
Lynn looked and winked at me, delighted at how the evening was
progressing.

"Right then folks if you will just excuse me I will go and get
cracking." I said.

On entering the kitchen I quickly chopped some fresh basil and tossed
it in to the soup. Which I then brought it up to the boil and removed
from the heat to stand for a minute of two. Everything was going with
out a hitch until I spilt soup down my shirt carrying it to the table.

"Never wears an apron!" Lynn commented dryly as I ran to the kitchen
to sponge my shirt. "Keep telling him to but the stupid bugger wont!"

"Oh why not?" I heard Kelly ask, "He seems so... "

Before she could finish I said from the door, "Because it's so bloody
Cheffy! Come on Lynn, how often do you see me splat myself in the
kitchen?"

Lynn had to laugh at that, she was the one who got beans everywhere.
"Actually Kelly?" I said, teasing my wife, "It's someone else in this
house who needs an apron when in the kitchen."

The soup was welcomed enthusiastically, as was my chicken and leek pie
with both Kelly and Bob commenting but it was the Apple pie that
slayed them. I was watching and the look on their faces when they
tried it. I glanced at Lynn who gave me a big grin and mouthed
questioning, "You got it?" I shrugged and wobbled my head indecisively
in reply.

Relaxing over the coffee Kelly turned to Lynn and said. "Truth now!
Who's your caterer? I want to hire them!"

Lynn nodded at me and said using my bedroom name in a voice full of
affection. "Ree did it."

"Bull! Kelly cried. "You are taking the piss aren't you?"

"Nope. Ree cooked the lot and I mean the lot. Soup, bread, pie but I
don't think the ice cream was his though. Isn't it usually sweet cider
ice cream with apple pie love?"

"Well I never!" Kelly exclaimed genuinely surprised.

"I'll show you the freezer if you want." I replied joking. "I do a big
cook every five or six weeks and heave it all in the freezer. The only
thing I won't freeze is pastry, it never quite comes back afterwards."

"And the recipe book?" Kelly asked animatedly, "I have got to have
that soup and that apple pie."

I tapped my head and said. "All up here, but I do have my mums book to
fall back on. It was her soup, the chicken was mine and the apple pie
is a combination of Delia Smith and me. I'll write it down if you
want. The amounts will be a bit sketchy because I do it through
flavour more than anything else."

"Oh I love Delia." Kelly replied. "I have all her books at home in my
kitchen." She turned to Lynn and lightly laughed. "You are one lucky
woman!"

"I know!" Lynn laughed, "Ree's a cook in the kitchen, a wonderful host
in the living room and..." She left the 'tart in the bedroom'
comment off the end and exchanged it for a very rude look with Kelly.
Who promptly bellowed with laughter.

"Oh my!" She giggled, "I haven't laughed like that for ages. You are a
little devil Lynn."

"Well!" I butted in to the conversation, "I am just going to nip in to
the kitchen and have a tidy up. I won't be long." Glancing at Lynn I
said quietly. "Give us a shout if you want anything Lump!" If she was
going to use my nickname then I was going to use hers!

"Oh!" said Kelly. "Good! Can I have a peek in your freezer?" she
wheedled in mock sincerity. "I won't nick any recipes honest! Adding
more firmly, "and you have got to show me how you did that pie crust!"

Delighted by her enthusiasm for my cooking, I grinned naughtily. "I've
got me a pastry gadget!"

I could see Lynn out of the corner of my eye exchange a 'cooks and
gadgets' look with Bob and head for the sitting room.

With in minutes of getting in to the kitchen Kelly was stood beside me
drying the plates as she tried to suck my brain's entire recipe memory
dry. Once we had washed up she looked contentedly about my kitchen and
said. "Why don't we have a quite cuppa, I have an offer for you Ree."

I was not sure I liked someone else using my nickname and Kelly
noticed. "Sorry I don't usually use nicknames but Barree, she stressed
the ree, "is such a mouthful."

"Don't worry about it Kelly, Ree's fine. Friends just don't call me it
that often. Will you pop the kettle on? I'll just check on Lynn and
Bob."

When I opened the front room door Lynn was pouring whiskey and saying
something about private finance initiative's. Seeing me about to ask
she said. "Tea or coffee Bob?"

"Whisky thanks." He grinned up at me and held out his glass. "Kelly
emptied your brain yet?"

"Not quite." I replied dryly.

"We're fine thanks Ree." Lynn told me, refilling Bob's glass.

"Just us Kelly," I laughed walking back in to the kitchen, "Lynn's
already building Bob a hangover I'm afraid."

"Possibly!" She laughed. "Anyway Ree I don't know if Lynn told you but
she gave me your CV when she heard I was looking for a girl Friday".

She held up her hand as I half stood about to open my mouth and said
comfortably, "Let me finish."

"I don't particularly like working with men and at the moment outside
the warehouse I have none so I was not disposed to expect to like you
as much as I do. Now the job? It involves a lot of computer work and
with your conservation background? You pretty much fit the bill and
have a damn sight more about you than the two impeccably qualified
girls I have already interviewed. I specialise in organic beauty
product ingredients, which are then manufactured into the actual
product by someone else. For example your hair, the henna I mean. If
it's organic and packaged over here there is a good chance that I
supplied it."

"Oh?" I replied not wanting to tell her it was Lynn's doing, "I'll
read the packaging next time."

Nodding and smiling she continued. "The job is nine to five Monday to
Friday although if it's a late night then it's a late night. The pay's
about £1600 a month and as many samples as you can claim before
someone else blaggs them plus a profit scheme that I don't quite
understand. How does that sound?"

"Wow!" I thought, "1600 quid a month that's twice what I am getting
now!" Trying not to look too foolish I said. "Very good Kelly, but
what would I be doing?"

"Everything except the warehouse, some bookkeeping, not much though,
just signing off on delivery and dispatch. A lot of phoning around,
chasing suppliers and the like. Initially however I am just moving
into UK sourcing of indigenous ingredients. I think 'Nurtured in
England' will become quite a brand mark and that's where your
conservation background will help. You will find me suppliers." She
grinned. "I hope! We provide a staff uniform, which even I wear, if we
have guests. Otherwise it's smart casual. I'll fix you up on Monday if
you are interested in the position?"

"Yes Kelly I would love to take the job thanks!" I replied knowing
that my marriage was back on course.

"Well that's settled then!" Formally she thrust out her hand and we
shook on it. Starting Monday I was her 'girl Friday'.

Her eyes lit up and she giggled girlishly. "And? Are you a tart in the
bedroom Ree? I'll bet you look fantastic if you do!"

"Sometimes." I laughed and stood indicating the door. "Shall we?"

Kelly and Bob finally departed at just after midnight, I was quite
woozy from all the wine I had drank. Not drunk, just mellow. The
moment the door closed Lynn pulled me into a massive hug kissing and
talking at the same time. Kiss. "I told, kiss, you so, kiss that she
would love you and she did! You should have heard her when I first
suggested she have a look at you. Talk about pooh, poohing an idea.
Did she tell you that her office is all girls?"

"Yes." I managed to butt in. "So how did you know that we would get
on?"

"Perhaps I'll show you later..." She teased. "But with all those women
around you? I'll have to keep my eye on you!" She laughed. "Sod the
house cleaning. Lets go to bed."

As we undressed I recalled Kellys comment from the kitchen and said
laughing. "Kelly asked if I was a tart in the bedroom! You cow!"

Lynn laughed and asked naughtily. "And you said?"

"Sometimes." I laughed standing naked in front of her.

"Wanna be my tart now?" She held up her basque from the previous
evening.

I laughed again, "She also thought I would look fantastic."

Lynn looked at me with a predatory smile and crooked her finger. "Come
here then tart and let Lynn fix you up."

Carried along by the moment I did exactly what she wanted. I felt very
strange and excited once she had clipped me into the sensually
restrictive garment.

I could hear the lust in her voice when she whispered. "Stockings and
the rest?"

Silently not really believing that I was actively helping my wife
dress me up as a tart I nodded.

The look on her face was like something out of a porn magazine! The
stockings felt awesome on my legs, echoing the restriction of the
basque, as they pulled on the suspender straps that attached them. The
tiny g-string knickers did nothing to hide the evidence of my
excitement. Not that they stood a chance anyway because Lynn put the
knickers on me in a very unusual way, using the two hands and one
mouth technique! It felt amazing! Sliding her strappy shoes on to my
feet she fastened the tiny buckle at the ankle. Standing naked and
proud she helped me on to my feet before walking to the dressing table
and patting the chair enticingly.

Unsteady in the strappy high-heels which offered no support to my
ankles at all it took me a moment to figure out my balance before I
tottered over to the dressing table and sat. Lynn smiled and kissed me
deeply, swinging her body on to my lap and sitting. I felt my as if my
whole body was being sucked in to her as she slid down on to me.

"You're going to look so pretty Ree." She giggled kissing me again.
Kissing and squeezing as she worked she had soon done my face in a
similar way to the way she had done hers last night. My eyelids and
lashes felt heavy with shadow, mascara and liner, my lips seemed huge
and my face felt as if it was being brushed with feathers. Ever so
slowly she lifted off me and in a sudden movement she leapt away! In a
trice she hopped on to the bed and crooked a silver tipped finger at
me..

The shock when I saw my reflection was even worse than the night
before. Then I had looked slightly feminine, this time there was no
doubting it. I looked like a high-class hooker! The stiff full cups
and the shape the basque gave my body a feminine appearance. My legs
made long by the stockings and heels matched my body, on top of which
was my whorishly made up face and girlish hairstyle. If I could had
passed myself in the bedroom I would not have recognised me! The only
real give away was my fully erect and very ready penis jutting out of
the tiny g-string!

Lynn laughed at my expression. "That's why I knew Kelly would like
you! Come here pretty", she cooed, "I want to see my tart swing her
hips and shaking her bum for me!"

The tone in her voice sent sparklers of lust through me as I got on to
my heels. Trying to do as she wanted I took tiny steps and placed my
feet carefully.

"Oh baby yes, that's the one." She encouraged. Eventually now laughing
uproariously I made it to the bed and ended up being willingly
ravished by my wonderful wife.