On Monday I was back to work but thinking about Rachel every chance I got. Tonight we had an appointment with Dr. Linsey Conrad, who I hoped could help us sort things out. Rachel and I knew she was different – perhaps gender dysphoric, but in any case, the woman I loved. I hoped we could make sense of things with her guidance.

We both arranged to work half a day so we could make the 3pm appointment I had made. I picked Rachel up at her home. She was dressed in a pretty green skirt and blouse that had a very professional appearance. She looked great to me even when she was dressed conservatively!

We arrived about fifteen minutes early and checked in, providing the requested patient information. To my surprise we were seen promptly at 3pm – we weren't kept waiting like most doctors seem to do.

Dr. Conrad explained that she was transgendered and had worked with many others to lead a life in concert with their brain gender. She asked Rachel many questions, but the one that seemed pivotal was, "Do you dislike being a man?"

"No," replied Rachel, "But I like being a woman even more, though sometimes I feel more male."

That surprised me, and led to many other clarifying questions. A lot had been said, and I feared we might run out of time when I noticed that it was only 3:45. It was then that Dr. Conrad said, "In my professional opinion you are not gender dysphoric, but rather gender fluid."

We both must have looked bewildered, and she went on, "You were born into a man's body, but have a brain that seems equally comfortable as either gender. Since most of your life you spent as a man, you are naturally drawn to your feminine side to achieve balance.

"I'm really confused," I said, "Are you saying the Rachel is in-between?"

"Not in-between, but able to shift back and forth," Dr. Conrad explained, "She desires femininity the most because it is what she has missed most of her life but can reside in either world with equal ease."

"So where does that leave us?" I asked.

"Does what you have learned change how you feel about Rachel?" the doctor asked.

"Not at all," I affirmed, "But I thought that Rachel would be transitioning to female."

"Perhaps she will transition to a middle state that allows her to be more feminine when its right for her, but not trapped there," Dr. Conrad explained.

"Would that include taking female hormones?" I asked.

"It could," the doctor agreed, if that's what Rachel wants.

"Oh I do!" Rachel agreed, "It would allow me to be more femme."

"I can refer you to a doctor who is an endocrinologist. He works with my patients and can prescribe the hormones for you. It is best to take them under a doctor's supervision – self-medication can be dangerous – sometimes fatal."

We both agreed that we wanted to do this safely and Rachel said she wanted to see the endocrinologist. Dr. Conrad wrote out a referral and gave us some guidance regarding how to best work with Rachel's gender fluidity.

We thanked Dr. Conrad and I took Rachel to the car. Opening the door for her I paused to kiss her and said, "This isn't what I expected, but I love you with all my heart and want us to work through this together."

Rachel held me tightly for a time and then got in the car. We decided to go to dinner at a local seafood restaurant.

"At first I was surprised when she said I was gender fluid," said Rachel, "But it makes sense to me – while I love being Rachel for you, I miss being Ray as well. I love you but still want to be your best friend."

"That sounds fine to me," I said, "But I'm not clear how that would work."

"I can begin taking the hormones," she responded, "and grow my hair out so I don't need a wig. When I am in boy mode, I can wear it in a pony tail like some men do, and when I'm in girl mode I'll wear it down. My breasts will grow, but I'll wear loose fitting shirts in boy mode, and nobody will notice – except you," she said with a smile.

"I'm trying to wrap my head around this," I said, "Until today I thought of you as a woman in a man's body trying to cope in a disapproving world."

"The world is still a pretty judgmental place," Rachel said, "So we'll have to keep this between us – I know I can trust you completely."

"So, does that mean you will be bouncing back and forth between Ray and Rachel?" I asked.

"You could think of it in that way," she said, "But it may be more accurate to simply think of me as both, sometime expressing a boy and sometimes as girl."

"I love you Rachel," I said, "But I don't know how that will work when you are Ray."

"The other day you said you were in love with me, and not with my wig," she said, "Does that go for my clothes as well?"

"Of course!" I affirmed, "I love you, the person, and that hasn't changed."

"Then you love Ray as well," she said, "Right?"

"I hadn't thought of it that way," I admitted, "But I suppose your right – I think I need some time to wrap my head around it – I never expected anything like this."

"Life is full of surprises," agreed Rachel, "And I'm so glad I'm going on the adventure with you."

We reached the restaurant and had a nice dinner. Then I took Rachel home. She invited me in, and we kissed for a while. She asked me to stop by tomorrow evening and have some beers with Ray, saying that she missed being with me in that way. I quickly agreed, and then departed.

That evening I had a lot to think about. This was very different than I expected, and I wondered if that changed anything for me. I still thought of Rachel as a woman, but now I knew she wasn't a woman trapped in a man's body. I knew that I wanted her even if she wasn't, even if that made me gay.

The idea of being gay didn't upset me – it just wasn't what I thought I was, but maybe I needed some time to sort it out.

  To be continued . . .

Feel free to contact me with your comments or requests.
    –Bill Beaumonte (oral_guy_2000@yahoo.com)