Date: Sun, 12 Apr 2009 06:21:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Matt Doesburg <mailtomatt@ymail.com>
Subject: Toni The Book Chapter 5

After about two years of a relative orderly life in a provincial Dutch
town, shortly before my 24th birthday, I finally got my big chance.

I got a job offered at the international headquarters of one of the leading
music companies of the world. We both were overjoyed, but the change
brought also changes to our life together. The new job was in the capital
of the country in Amsterdam. I started with traveling from Delft to that
city by train. That was no big problem as Holland is not a country of very
big distances. The distance between Delft and Amsterdam for example is
approximately 60 kilometers.

So in the morning I walked to the station in Delft, went to Amsterdam where
I needed one ride in a street car to arrive at the office. The journey took
just about an hour and was preferable over the use of a car. Amsterdam is
and was and probably will always be a parking nightmare.

During these first months I was introduced to our offices in London. This
visit became the first big boost to my career even at such an early
stadium. The A&R manager in England had a long discussion with me. He even
invited me for dinner and at the end of the evening we agreed that our
ideas about music were very similar. I must have impressed him with my
judgment of new and elder talent. Later I learned that he had officially
stated that with a person like me, headquarters at last had found the
connection to the new trends in music.

Working in Amsterdam and arriving rather late in Delft made me give up the
job in the White Elephant, Friday nights however became the music review
evening at our apartment to which Robert also was a welcomed guest rather
frequently.

The good reception in England took care of being invited to be part of the
marketing committee that met some 2 to 3 times a year. These meetings took
place in alternating European cities and the first one I attended was in
Hamburg. Because of these meetings I learned to know many European
cities. The first Italian meeting was in Milan and of course I took the
opportunity to stay the weekend, visiting Leonard and Ele in nearby
Bergamo.

After about half a year however I became weary with all this train
traveling and we decided to move to Amsterdam. We were both very sorry to
leave the apartment in delft but we were lucky. We basically found a
similar apartment in Amsterdam, along one of the canals in the city
center. The place also had three rooms and was much too expensive for us,
but irresistible. It was also directly under the roof and had an unwise big
living room, which was the reason that my stereo equipment came to its
right acoustics and volumes at last.

Toni had absolutely no problem to find a job as she was, without me knowing
it, a very good hairdresser. She was welcomed with open arms by her new
boss, an elder lady, who was known for her many customers from the
entertainment world. She happened to be also a friend of her old boss,
which shows again how lucky my little girl had been to have met Marcel and
his family.

Shortly after our move Mel, as she was generally called by now, was thrown
out of her room. After a"family reunion" it was agreed without questioning
that she could move in with us. Firstly we had a spare room and secondly it
eased our tight financial situation, because of the high rent, a little
bit. Mel being always present in the apartment was heavy for me from time
to time. She used the bathroom and like us did not close doors. She never
provoked but she was not shy or prude and I saw her naked as much as she
saw me that way.

In the beginning she was confused about our open discussions about the most
intimate things. Slowly she started to participate though and when she did
I asked questions like why she dressed the way she did, how she reacted
when men whistled behind her. I even asked her about her menstrual
cycles. Toni looked a little bit surprised at that but later said that she
had learned something from the answer. We became a very tight knotted kind
of family. Of course Mel had also boy friends and sometimes however we
breakfasted as a quartet. These occasions were rare though, because Toni,
who used to run around naked as much as we did, had an understandable
horror for meeting a stranger. Boyfriends normally had to take Mel home to
themselves.

The time that followed was like a dream come true and right in the middle
of that dream was Toni. From my point of view Amsterdam was laying at her
feet. Both of us got to know prominent people and I was the source of a
constant supply of concert tickets and free records. Toni soon became the
driving part of the hair salon she worked in. They already had prominent
entertainment and high society customers but Toni seemed to attract these
people like flies.

Especially artists, musicians and other show people adored her. Many of
them were self-confessing lesbians or gays and maybe they intuitively knew
about Toni's sexuality. That was my first contact with gaydar; the
mysterious radar these people have amongst each other. These customers
however were the source of numerous invitations to their parties and we
became the focus on most of these parties. The reason for this was that I
normally showed up with two Toni's.

The pace of our lives in this time in Amsterdam was so high that in
retrospect I remember it basically as through a haze. It was a whirlwind of
music, parties, alcohol and fortunately in retrospect at a lesser degree,
drugs. Music of course was my job but all three of us had liked the album
review parties in Delft so much that we started something similar in
Amsterdam. I told colleagues and friends that on Friday evenings we would
like to come together to listen to new music. Also old music was welcome
when interesting. Initially it was agreed that the men would bring the
drinks and the women the food.

I even invited some people of our classical departments. Robert being
frequently in Amsterdam also was a regular. Even more so after one and a
half year, when he changed company and started to work for a company
located nearer to Amsterdam. Before long I could count even the vice
presidents popular music, as well as classical music amongst the guests
from time to time.

Both became friends for life and another boost for my career. The latter
was there when I introduced one of the latest releases by a famous Dutch
organist playing, variations on a Dutch folk song.  It was played it at
full power to an overall hip group of people, who were listening
intently. They did not save on praise after the last tones had died
away. After that the practice of bringing food and booze was stopped. We
now got the food and drinks from one of the better Italians in town. An
antipasti buffet was built up every Friday with courtesy of the company.

Our contacts to this restaurant also had other advantages. We had already
found out that Amsterdam had much more possibilities to eat and buy Italian
food than every other city in Holland. The owner of the restaurant was also
called Nicola. With him we really started to get to know the secrets of his
native cuisine. Even more important we learned where to get the right
ingredients. Our obsession for the Italian cuisine went even so far that we
helped him out in his kitchen from time to time. On these evenings we were
rewarded with grappas and wines that normally where unobtainable for normal
people.

We knew already from Nicola in Bergamo that the wine culture in Italy was
changing. The new wines that were slowly appearing on the Italian market
were however completely unknown in Holland. Nicola however had his sources
and the Chianti we drunk there was something special. Also the Frascati he
served was not from Dutch supermarkets. After a visit he made in Tuscani he
brought a very special wine with him: Sassicaia. Nicola was the reason that
we drank this wine long before it became known as one of the very best
wines in the world.

The music sessions were normally from 6 o'clock in the evening until ten or
eleven. Most of the people went out partying afterwards and Mel was
frequently amongst them. I participated less frequently as there were
always some bosses and or visitors from abroad who wanted to continue some
of the discussions.

When I went out on Fridays I generally landed in the Piano Bar near the
Leidsche Plein. Especially in the weekends this club always featured good
music and was also always immensely enjoyed by foreign guests. Because some
of our guests were musicians, sometimes there were some interesting
sessions. Another reason I did not party much on Friday nights was that
Toni had to work on Saturdays. Although she told me to go along I normally
preferred her to join me, which meant that we had to get home at around
midnight.

Toni's job was also the reason that I strictly limited the party nights to
the weekend. I loved the week day evening home dinners with Toni and even
our television viewings afterwards. When we did not watch the TV we talked
about us and our jobs. These discussions, in retrospect, were at least a
big help for me. She understood perfectly to pull me down to real life at
moments when I showed signs of over-heating. When we got into town during
the week, it was mostly for concerts and or press conferences. One of the
most impressive concerts we saw in Amsterdam was on a week day. We attended
one of the rare performances of Anton Bruckner's 8th Symphony also known as
the Symphony Of A Thousand. The invitation had come from our classical
department and I vaguely remember that the concert was even recorded.

On the occasions that I was not in Amsterdam on Friday and the group
decided that there was reason enough to come together the party was hosted
by Gaby my assistant and Mel. Gaby had been a rather placid girl whom I
initially thought to be lesbian because she definitely had butchy
features. At an artists party where I showed up alone shortly after we
moved to Amsterdam I learned to know another side of her. At the end of
that evening she confessed to me that she had fallen for me since our first
meeting and we ended up in bed together. A few days later when she gave me
a cup of coffee in the office she whispered in my ear that she had shaved
and that cemented a long lasting casual affair with her.

She was also amongst the first group of Friday guests and became friends
with Toni and Mel. In a short time, maybe also due to the acquaintance with
both of them, she changed into a very attractive woman. I held her in high
regard, as she never used our friendship in trying to lure me away from
Toni. During occasional business trips on which she accompanied me the
second hotel room was always for optics only.

As she was part of the parties she acted as a kind of group secretary. Like
I said she co-hosted it when I was not in town and she generally kept in
contact with the participants informing them about known guests and whether
I was town or not.

Saturday nights were party nights. As Toni got into contact with the
lesbian and gay society of the city, we found out where they partied and
where their in-places were. Many of these places were of course also
visited by transvestites and drag queens. All three of us agreed that these
places were much more interesting than the other clubs in the city.  For
that reason and because the invitations of Toni were mostly for parties in
these clubs we ended up in them on Saturdays regularly.

As soon as we were an accepted part of this community both sisters decided
that we should go as three girls. Against my not so serious objections,
dressing sessions were organized for me. I always had had a secret knack
for female clothing, after having tried on panties of my mother when I was
young and Toni's more recently.  So the objections I vented were really
feeble indeed. The sessions went on splendidly and they worked wonders with
me. Firstly my figure at that time was still lean and shaven. That meant
that with the right clothes I could easily pass for a woman as far as the
figure was concerned. The wonders were necessary for my face.

They had gotten a wig for me made of real hair, courtesy of Toni's
shop. The hair-style was similar to theirs. They started with shaving my
face in the old fashioned way. They used brush, shaving cream and Gillette
razor. After that they started the works. I felt my eyebrows beings
depilated and felt eyelashes attached. Although it took long I liked the
attention tremendously. After several hours I was led in front of the big
bedroom mirror and I did not recognize myself. They had done it. I never
had thought it possible to make my face so feminine, but now I was proven
wrong.

Of course they had me on the streets of Amsterdam by night right away. They
had a diabolic pleasure in leading me around. I felt like an animal on show
in my high heels. They were only heels of 5 to 6 centimeters to avoid me
from being recognized too easily by my way of walking. I more or less
disappointed them by getting along surprisingly well. Of course they headed
directly to one of the life style clubs.  They immediately tried to set me
up me with every male present. Believe me I could have had plenty of
company during that night. I had a strange exiting evening and I loved
every minute of it. It is really strange that when a man tries to slip into
the personality of a woman, he also changes on a mental level almost
instantly.

I felt horny in a very special way but strangely enough did not want to
fuck or masturbate. It became a long night, but when we got home I was
still so turned on that I almost raped Toni. This wicked little maiden
loved every minute of it. When we lied exhausted in each other's arms after
some wild sex, she told me I should stay in female clothes all the time
because as a woman I was a better lover. I must admit though that the
repetitions of this kind of night out were upon my requests. Already on the
second night out I was walking on real stilettos. The girls were not
volunteering, because it did take them indeed hours to get me into
shape. Every time all their work was ruined after I had my wild sex with
Toni when we came home afterwards.

Toni's remark about being a better lover as a woman wormed me however. When
I confronted her with it, she said that our sex afterwards was also felt by
her as a kind of rape. It was so brutal however that she needed the
Sundays. I should not give it much thought as she regarded it as only a
small part of our love life and would not .like to be treated in that way
constantly. Although I was satisfied with the explanation, I wondered
whether she had a masochistic streak somewhere buried deep inside her.

Being in the scene at that time meant also that we came into contact with
drugs, but occasional marijuana joints did not change anything in our
personality. Cocaine however was a completely different story. During the
parties we got it from friends and especially Toni and Mel could get
whatever they wanted. Every time they experimented with it and would be
really high they would play the lesbians.

It was during one of these drug infested nights that it happened. Coming
home from a party that had a very special drug infested atmosphere, the
girls sent me to bed.  They said that they still had some girl talk to do
and Toni would come in a minute. High as I was I did not hear what they
were saying. I was too far gone to be interested in what they were
saying. I went to the big bed in the bed room. I got rid of my clothes I
lied down and closed my eyes. That night should become wilder as any dream
you can imagine.

When I opened my eyes I saw Toni in garter belt and stockings, the smallest
thong possible, unbelievable high heels and a push up bra. She stood at the
end of the bed, legs together and smiled. At the same moment I saw her
double as from behind her she appeared again. Now there were two Toni's
standing before me. One of them said that tonight was my birthday, which
was new to me but if they said so it would be right.

As a birthday present I could choose which one would be my birthday girl. I
indicated at the right one. She smiled even more sweetly as she started to
undress. The garter belt was over her thong that came last but at that
moment I was already beyond all boundaries. I got to my knees and grabbed
her; throwing her off her feet and on the bed. I mounted her like an
animal. Somewhere deep inside my brains some tiny voice was saying: "Ain't
she nice on your birthday, she even has left her cock in the bathroom"

I could not care less and fucked Mel with a vigor and urgency that got her
crying out for more and deeper. I kissed her nipples and lips and when I
came I felt my cum wash in her love tunnel. In a delirium that came from
liquor, cocaine and an all consuming sex hunger I crawled down on her. I
buried my head between her legs because I wanted to get some of my cum
back. I licked lips and found her clit. I asked why her dick had shrunken
that night. It took only moments of that trashing to give her the second
orgasm.

I was ringing for air after the intermezzo but it was not over yet.  She
rolled away and came back under me almost instantly. She started to kiss me
like she had never had an orgasm that night, which was true of course as I
was now with Toni. Still misted by all the influences I didn't ask anything
and was not even surprised that her cock had appeared again miraculously. I
started to take her furiously as my licking Melanie had gotten me hornier
than I had ever been. After we both climaxed I must have passed out
completely. The next thing I registered was sunshine in the room and the
smell of croissants and coffee.

Getting on some shorts I got to the breakfast table and tried to arrange my
thoughts. Through memories that must have been a dream, reality came slowly
and I got a splitting headache. Question upon question hit me like
hammers. During that breakfast nothing was said, neither questions were
asked nor answers were given. The happening of that night were hidden for
that moment.

Looking back at our Amsterdam period I know now that it must have been the
happiest time in Toni's life. She had a sister and a partner and was able
to talk freely with many, many interesting people. Gone was the loneliness
that had been such big part of her life in the past. In Delft she had been
a beautiful woman. In Amsterdam, because of her professional environment,
she became a trendsetter. She became a woman who filled the room when she
came in. With her Mel but also Gaby were taken in this incredible
development.

When we walked on the streets in the capital there were people who openly
watched us admiringly. Especially the men did so with envy in their eyes
for that lucky fuck to have two such beautiful women. And we walked a lot
in these days as our apartment was close to the entertainment centers of
the city. We could even walk to the Concertgebouw or to the Leidsche Plein
or to the famous Paradiso Club. At that time there was talk about the young
beautiful people and we undoubtedly belonged to that group.

Some of the people that she learned to know were very attracted to
her. Amongst them were some famous rock stars with known histories of
androgen tendencies. But also some who did not so openly confess that they
had them. The names of them do not have to be repeated here but they adored
her. She never came out herself and was known all around only as the steady
girl friend of Matt Doesburg. Still she was in for all nonsense as the
former occurrences illustrate. Even the birthday incident did not drive a
wedge between us.

Our social life continued to go on at that incredible intensive pace. But
also our professional lives moved into the next gears. Tony was made
partner in the hair salon as she had generated many new, wealthy
customers. As a matter of fact her lady boss started to build her up as a
successor. I, as a label manger got closer to many artists and started to
coach them with their careers. I also got into the traveling tour
management, representing the music company when acts came over from
overseas, which was mostly from the UK. But there were also a growing
number of acts from the USA and Canada.

The first one was a soul band and we toured three weeks through the major
continental cities. It was great to be behind the curtains hearing the
sound and the cries of the audience building up. I got and still get goose
pimples when a band starts full force with their opening. During that first
tour I already found out that being on the road in the rock and roll world
had also fringe benefits. Girls were always a plenty and even the first
night from home I ended up in bed with some Finnish girl.

The next night was a typical rock & roll event. We had played in
Copenhagen. The boys from the US subsequently wanted to see some of the
famous night life of the city. We ended up in a live sex club watching
lesbians do the real thing, which was also new for wild Americans. Because
we could not participate in the club we took them all back with us to the
Hilton hotel. Next day I had an argument with the manager .He complained
about them getting girls on the rooms at two o'clock in the morning. I told
him that these people had different working hours from his regulars. He
probably would not say anything when they took a girl to their room after
work.

I had nothing from the party as I wanted a bath and slept in the tub all
through the fun.

I already knew that I was not a monogamous hermit and I saw groupies come
and go. In Geneva we played during the Jazz festival. After the show I had
dinner with Gary, our tour operator and some officials of my company. After
dinner Gary saw how his assistant and I were eying each other. We had met
each other the day before and ended up petting each other passionately in
Gary's suite. Maybe he had noticed something because he took Sabrina apart
and told her to accompany me to my hotel. He told her also to do everything
that I wanted. The night was long and fabulous. Gary may not have had such
a swell night, as it was rumored the next day that he was found on the lake
in a small dingy.

Sabrina however was the reason for the first real crisis with Toni. Being
back in Amsterdam it was not difficult for her, working in the same
company, to get my address. Returning from my next business trip I was told
by Toni that she had been visited by her and she had asked for my
release. First idea on my side upon that information was "Oh, I still can
get good looking Girls under my spell". The next thought was annoyance
because she had not asked me. Toni made it very clear that I had to make
the decision what I wanted, which was not difficult. During my last
encounter with Sabrina she had repeatedly expressed her regret that I was
hairless, because she loved men with hair in as many places as
possible. With that attitude I immediately lost all interest in her and did
not see her again. Toni accepted my readily given decision in her
favor. Still it took several months for her to recover from this episode,
but at the end we were as tight as before.

Other tours sometimes had similar fringe benefits and it goes without
saying that I loved being on the road. I laid the foundation of my later
net work of musicians and managers during that time. There were others like
Sabrina but I kept an eye on it that they were mostly locals. In that way I
was not in danger of another confrontation. Altogether I was not really
chasing them, as there were too may girls with uncontrolled bushes of hair
around for my liking..

Another affair was with Suzan who worked in the London office. Initially I
did not notice that she was interested. After I took her to town several
times my English friend and colleague Brian asked me what I intended with
her. I told him honestly that I just had taken her along because I hated to
be alone, going out in London. Knowing that Suzan wanted more made a big
difference of course. Finding out that the habit of shaving pubes had
already been embraced by her meant that from then on I had a steady
girlfriend in London. The affair lasted about a year and ended when she
immigrated to Montreal.

Toni at home worked a lot and also partied a lot. I did not volunteer much
about my social behavior during tours and business trips and I did not ask
her what she did at home. I must say that I partly had that unfair feeling
that she was not as free as I was being the girl she was. What got me a
certain doubts was that the circles she was in were full of gay people,
male as well as female and maybe also with she-males.

But life was in the next gear and had taken up such intensity that our week
day discussions became less and less. There should have been moments that
we should have talked about us and the way our relationship should
develop. We also were confronted with unexpected developments. For Toni
that meant that she had to take over the shop completely when her boss
unexpectedly died. The inheritors were only too glad to have somebody like
Toni, who was willing to manage and continue the shop. Logically the salary
went up and a bonus and provisions were installed. She would also to use
the bonus, which was indeed substantial to obtain shares in the shop. This
increase in her remunerations made her earn a multiple of my salary.

My own first coup was when I got into contact with a Dutch country rock
group that had a lot going for them. They had excellent songwriters, a good
keyboarder and one of the best Dutch guitar players. We got along very well
and I was allowed to produce a first single with them that got into the top
twenty. With the second one I proposed to alternate the vocals with two
singers. This single even got to number 3 which resulted in an album.

Especially the recording of the album was a new experience and very
exiting. There was a studio booked and because the band members were not
living very close to this studio, a hotel was booked for the time of the
recording. Also I was mostly part of the group. It took a week to record
the album, which was very fast comparing with today's standards. I was
p0articipated in the briefings and discussions about the sessions. They had
a high level of professionalism because the sessions all went smoothly and
did not take I much in.-studio rehearsals. The album even went to number
one for a short time and found a lot of interest in the UK as well as in
the States.

With them I learned to know also another face of rock and roll music. Many
industry executives would understand their profession better if they would
know this side. They were invited as a warming up band on a tour of an
American band in England, but they were not part of the tour
logistics. This meant that I traveled 3 weeks through England in a
Volkswagen van with six people, all instruments and luggage. We slept in
strictly middle class hotels were the heating was either too hot or too not
existent.

This tour was not lined with groupies, press conferences and welcoming
parties. This was the hard side of the music business that is the fate of
so many young musicians. On this tour standing in the shadows behind the
band, I saw people working hard to get the attention of the
audiences. Audiences who reacted partly even hostile as they wanted to see
the headliners. You do get another insight into the working of this
glamorous business, when you realize that the majority of these young
musicians will never get out of this way of life. And the irony of it is
the fact their failures are not because they are not good enough. Also for
them careers don't happen without luck.

The band was handling the matter bravely however and there were some in the
audience that gave them credit. Also the critics were positive and
altogether I was convinced that they had a bright future. They ruined their
possibilities themselves by disbanding when their guitarist left some
months later.

But my name was made and I got a bigger change. The infinitive for my next
move was made by the boss of the department.  He was was a very straight
guy in all aspects, who had come in to the departments about one and a
halve year after I came in. At first he kept a distance at me because
altogether I was probably the hippest guy in the department. I had rather
log hair, I wore high heeled shoes and booths ran around in flower
shirts. On top of that I had a taste in music that must have bewildered
him. But he got me into the committee.

The committee that decided about new international contracts had noticed
that a guy in Holland mostly knew the right answers to the questions they
had. Mostly he was right when asked for advice. I was invited to become a
junior partner of this illustrious group. Junior was indeed the right
expression as most of them were in their late forties. Some of them even
had passed their sixtieth birthdays. With a salary raise this got me ever
deeper into the core of the record business. It goes without saying that I
enjoyed every minute of it.

The period in time in which this was all happening was the first years of
the seventies. The market was dominated by the British acts of the sixties
who developed ever further. But they got competition from the States as
that country at last started to cash in on the incredible talent that had
been there all along.

In retrospect it is difficult to know from heart what bands and acts were
new in the seventies and who were already there in the sixties. Many of the
groups I listened to were not the absolute sellers. But there were
exceptions of course Sgt Pepper's, Led Zeppelin Four, Fleetwood Mac with
Rumors, In A Gadda-Da-Vida by the Iron Butterfly and of course one of the
definite blockbusters of all time Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd.

Even more important were loads upon loads of albums that set new trends and
influenced the music of years to come. I only name a few with The Band,
Family (Heavily underrated until today). Jethro Tull even lent from old
Johann Sebastan with their hit Bourree. The next band that played Bach was
The Nice with their Brandenburger Concertos.  Their organ player later
became apart of Emerson Lake & Palmer who together with the Moodie Blues
started the symphonic rock trend. Also in that period the Country Rock
trend broke through with names like The Eagles, maybe even Crosby Stills
Nash & Young and their solo artists Neil Young and Stephen Stills and I
should not let Elton John leave unmentioned.

Every week something new, something exiting rolled over us. It is illusory
to name them all but not all of the promises became also superstars. Being
in the business showed me also the failures. Name s like Dennis Linde,
Mickey Newbury, John Ussery, Paul Jones and Painter all had deserved better
fates. A name like Jeff Beck indicates that even outwordly talent did not
automatically mean superstardom.

All rock fans digested these developments readily, buying product even
during harder times. There was an oil crisis and there were recessions but
when the over-all economy went down, the music market went up. During this
time the basis was laid down in the heads of many executives that this
would go on forever.

Also during these first years in the business I had a key experience about
the negative ways it operated. I met the much too early deceased Tim
Hardin, whom I still regard as one of the most underrated artists of that
period. I met a shy timid man who told us that he had started in the
business to become a first rate rock star. He had been forced however to
become a second rate Bob Dylan. The tracks in which he had some heavier
backing groups indicate that he was right with his critics. To me this
experience meant that I promised myself to put the wishes and career ideas
of artists always in front.

It is impossible for someone who was not living in that period of time to
even get a faint idea what the youth culture, combined with the pace and
excitement of the music, were all about. I said before that I was in the
middle of it and even helping to shape a small part of it.

Being part of the aforementioned committee meant that there were also
special tasks given to me. Not long after the birthday incident I got the
information that our English A&R manager would leave the company for the
competition. I was asked to go to England and see to the continuity of the
department. I was to be located in London where I got an apartment in a
guest house of our mother company. I could fly back every weekend to
Amsterdam on Friday. The flights could be rather early to be back in time
for the Friday evening session. When I did not want to fly back I could fly
Toni in from Saturday to Sunday.

As there was no need for Toni to stay in a hotel in London, there was no
reason not to accept the offer. But we only used it a few times. The reason
was that Toni was not always able to leave the shop alone. When she was
able however to get away, she came over. The first time she was accompanied
by Mel and the weekend was talked about for some time. There were stories
in the music press about the new Dutch A&R manager with his twin companions
who took London by storm. I have to be honest. My rather speedy march
through my career stages were also partly due to Toni and Mel. Alone many
developments would have taken much longer, if they would have been possible
altogether.

On one of these occasions they both were in London we participated in the
Last Night Of The Proms. This is the famous concert of the Royal
Philharmonic Orchestra at the end of the so called promenade concerts
season in England. This event, although it is a classical one, is the
absolute highlight for every music fan. I have never seen in close up
people reacting to classical music in such an inhibited way. Especially
during the final with Land of Hope And Glory and Pump And Circumstances the
concert became even a bodily effort.  And there were no exceptions for VIPS
as we were also right in the middle of it. This was the only concert I ever
came out exhausted. The experience cemented my idea that also with organ
music there should be possibilities to get more acceptance in the
mainstream music section. At that time the market was not yet ready for
such bold ideas and I stowed them away in the back of my mind..

So I was in London for almost a year. During that year I managed the A&R
department together with Brian. He was a label manager/promoter whom I had
known almost from the beginning. He had similar ideas about music as I
did. After nine months I proposed him to the management for the position of
A&R manager in the UK. They did ask, whether I did not want to make the job
myself. I told them that didn't because I wanted to go to the USA. All
these special jobs however, increased my network of friends and
acquaintances in the business tremendously.

During my stay in London I had no affairs, firstly because normally I would
fly back in the weekends. Secondly I loved to frequent pubs after work with
some colleagues. After plenty of ales and pub food, I went home alone most
of the time. Another reason was because I happened to meet a guy who
volunteered to teach me how to improve my guitar playing.

After that new development we moved into a bigger apartment in one of the
old houses bordering the canals in Amsterdam. Shortly after we moved in I
got a strange meeting with Mel, who invited me for dinner. She told me to
leave Toni at home. So on the evening of this encounter, I headed back to
the old apartment, which Mel had taken over.

When I came in I again was again surprised by the similarity between her
and Toni. Because of the recent developments we had not seen each other
frequently. Seeing her now I noticed the same phenomena I had with
Toni. After only a short time of not seeing each other, it was like falling
in love all over again. With Toni that was not a problem, but what did it
mean when the same happened with Mel.

She had me seated and during a drink she came to the point without any
diversions. She asked me whether I had ever thought about the fact that
Toni, she and I had never discussed our love night. I told her honestly
that I had been afraid of raising the matter, to which she nodded. Then she
told me how that night had come about. After Melanie had first met me in
Delft, she was instantly drawn to me, which she also had told Toni. She
informed me about the missing pieces that she had left out in all
conversations in Delft. She said that first of all, she wanted me to know
from her side about the very special relationship she had with her sister.

Toni had started out as her big brother but she soon discovered his liking
for her clothes. As she admired her brother she had played along. In the
beginning she had really gotten jealous of him because when he wore her
clothes he was as pretty as she. He however had something to show, a
penis. She, Melanie had nothing under her belly. They had forgotten to give
her a rod because there was only a cut, a slit. Later when she was informed
about the difference between boys and girls she was confused. She could not
understand why Toni, as far as she understood, did not really want to be a
boy.

Although Toni had behaved mostly to the rules during her high school days,
they still had their secret sessions. Although their contacts became a
little less intensive during the years, she really was heartbroken when
Toni announced her move out of the house. After she left, her parents had
forbidden her to have contact Toni. In the beginning she he only dared to
make occasional telephone calls to the shop. This is another prove that the
modern times with e-mails and cell-phones also has its advantages. After
some time she got bolder and they started to see each other regularly on
Wednesday afternoons. When she finished her two year teacher studies she
searched for a way to escape from the family bounds. She found one by going
to England for a year as an Au Pair.

Her first visit to our new apartment in Delft was also the first reunion
with Toni after she had come back. After that visit their contacts had
again intensified which I knew. When she admitted to Toni that she was
attracted to me Toni had reacted very fearful. She had pleaded with her not
to take me away from her. Toni said that she was sure that she could do it
as she looked the same but was a real woman. Besides she, Melanie, had
always gotten what she wanted, which was basically true as Melanie had been
the darling of the family.

We both knew that Mel had Toni constantly on her toes by visiting us in
Delft. She was the one that occupied me on Saturdays. Later Amsterdam we
even moved together. Melanie had recognized the possibilities of the drug
parties right away. She had started to prepare Toni for what she had in
mind with playing the lesbians amongst others. She constantly told Toni
that she was secure that I would not leave her for her. At the same time
she observed that Toni lost ever more inhibitions when high on cocaine.

On the famous night she told Toni about her plan of the "birthday"
party. She had bought two equal sets of sexy garments. She got her to try
it on when they left me on the bed. Standing in front of the mirror Mel,
who was in no way as high as Toni, announced they would go in together. She
convinced her sister to let me make let me make the choice between them
that night. Toni was so high that she went along with it. The rest I
basically knew.

After her story Mel looked at me. She told me that although it was more
than a year ago she still could feel me in her. Her feelings for me had
gotten worse but she did not want to hurt Toni in any way. She said that
she knew that I loved her too and she also was sure that I also would in no
way hurt her. Poor me I was sitting with the spitting image of Toni and I
knew that she was right all the way. I wanted her badly but I did not want
to hurt Toni. The flesh was stronger however and Mel was also a Westerloo
girl. I should have known that you can't win from a Westerloo girl and I
carried her to the bedroom.

That night I got my second taste of Mel and this time I was sober. And I
wanted to taste her indeed, I wanted to do all the things that I could not
do with Toni. But first I started with kissing her. Lying dressed on the
bed I wanted know how her kisses tasted. I decided that she tasted sweeter
than Toni. During this elongated kiss we started to undress each other. Her
boobs were definitively bigger that Toni's. The thought of more female went
through my head, frightening me. I loved to finger her pussy and did that
until she whispered she wanted more.

Only then I lowered myself until my head was between her legs. I started to
lick her pussy lips and searched and found her inner lips. Moving up toward
her belly I found her clit. It was hidden under a protective hood but
waiting for me. It throbbed with life and pulsed with sex. I tasted her
precum. Also this taste was different from Toni. She may have been a little
bit sweeter and when I entered my fingers into her pussy she cried out.

With her hands in my hairs she tried to get my head more into her. She
robbed me my breath, but when I thought I was going to suffocate, I felt
her body stiffen. I never had drunken juices from a woman but I did that
night. I sucked her until I was sure there was nothing left. Afterwards she
begged me to fuck her which I did. I tried to massage her clit with every
thrust and I muffled her groans and moans with my kisses. After I exploded
in her, we lay spent next to another.

After we found our breath again she asked me whispering to take her from
the back. I told her that I hated doggy style and showed her how Toni and I
fucked. Wet from cum I pushed my dick passed her star hole. The moment of
entrance had her grasp for breath. Her first reaction was trying to push me
out. I answered by thrusting deep into her and got her moaning. After I
came into her she refused to let me go. We lay united for some time and I
saw tears in her eyes. When I retracted at last, she told that it was
probably funny but only this way of loving made her feel guilty towards
Toni.

Before I left she asked me not to feel guilty. She had seduced me and had
wanted it exactly that way. Still she also asked me never to tell Toni. She
also said that if Toni would not have been her sister, she would have asked
both of us to live together as a threesome. She continued however by
telling me: "I cannot do that in this situation because I know that it
would end by being fucked by Toni and that is even beyond my sets of
rules".

The first week after this night was hard on me. I was confused because I
knew that I had loved Mel genuinely that night. On the next Wednesday I
asked Toni out for dinner. When she asked for what reason, I told her
simply that it was because I loved her. She looked puzzled, puzzled as I
was as a matter of fact. Did I want to tell her myself about Mel and me? On
Wednesday morning she told me however that I did not have to bother for a
restaurant. If it was going to be a dinner of love she would do the
cooking.

And the evening really renewed our love. During dinner I did not eat much
because I could not take my eyes from her. Holding a glass of red wine in
my hand I studied her face. I tried to compare it with Mel's face. But was
it similar? I recollected my feelings looking at Mel and I realized that it
was lust and desire in her eyes, as well as probably in mine. When I looked
at Toni I saw unconditional trust and strangely a part of myself. Was I
living up to such expectations?

We talked about it and Toni told me that she knew that I was not the most
monogamous man in the world. I was already afraid at that moment that she
might have known something about Mel. But she continued by telling met that
she, for her part, might prove to be not the most monogamous woman in the
world. Still she felt best in my presence. She knew that I would always be
there to help her, when she would get into troubles. Little did she know at
that moment what tests of that later part of her statement still laid ahead
of us.

That night we seemed to be happy just being in each other's company. We
stroked each other and we kissed each other. It was one of those moments in
which I really felt a deep love for her. Still I wondered if such an
evening with a gender woman would end with the love act. But somewhere I
knew that it would not and I was happy with that special certainty.

Life continued after that. I hardly can say normally, as the things that
happened had to be digested by me. I was afraid that Mel would want to
start an affair with me. My fright was increased because I was unsure how I
would react if she did. She appeared to be the cleverer one however by
going out of our way and even getting a new lover. But not a simple one as
in boyfriend, Eric was the heir of an old New England family. He was loaded
with money, good looking and extremely nice according to Mel. She met him
in the university where he was part of a delegation from Boston. He was
seven year older than Mel and I was really, really very happy for her.

Of course the new found love had to be introduced to the family. But family
to Melanie at that time was Toni and me and nobody else. I will never
forget Eric's face when he saw the sisters for the first time. I clearly
could see that he was absolutely at a loss who was who. Of course they had
dressed up for the occasion and had me guessing too on first sight. Until I
looked into the eyes and knew who was who.

Although Eric stayed longer than originally planned he had to get back to
the States eventually. Until the end of the semester Melanie stayed in
Amsterdam, assuring Toni and me that she really loved him. During the
summer holiday she went to visit him on a visit from which she would not
return. Not because something negative, as we found out in a glossy
invitation card, but because she would marry.

The marriage took place during the Indian summer later that same year. In a
little town on the Atlantic Coast that was not far away from Boston. I was
elated when Toni told me that she wanted to go the wedding. Toni had to
make the trip as a man as her passport said that she was one. I can tell
you she was one of the most handsome men I ever saw. The marriage was the
occasion on which I learned to know Toni's parents and youngest sister.

Our first meeting started as a very awkward situation as nobody knew what
to do. Until Toni's youngest sister who was twenty at that time threw
herself in Ton's arms. It was the first time I saw all Westerloo women
together and was surprised to see that Terry looked very much like her
mother. Both had more feminine faces and fuller figures than Toni and
Melanie. But with all four it was clearly visible that they were related. I
found them honestly one of the most interesting and attractive quartet of
women that I had ever seen.

I also realized that I knew the family better than I had thought. I
remembered seeing Mr. and Ms Westerloo with their children in church in
Delft when I was very young. These were the services with that kind of
reverends that my parents avoided later on. They refused to accept their
narrower view on life and the role of religion in it.

Toni must have been there too as Anton although I could not remember having
seen him/her. During the first encounter we had Toni and Melanie do their
twin sisters act. I saw the perplexed expression on the parent faces, when
they saw them that way. They were visibly at a loss. But it was also clear
that they did not know how to cope with the situation.

It was clear that they were impressed with Melanie marrying into a rich
American family. I saw them frequently look proudly at Mel and Eric. We
were apparently another matter as they avoided talking with us. But as the
sisters exchanged a flow of information, they got to know that Toni
co-owned a renowned hair salon in Amsterdam. The fact that I was a rather
high ranking manager in the music business did not impress them at
all. Until they heard that the company was part of one of the biggest Dutch
corporations.

The actual wedding was a real American high society affair with over 250
guests in the garden. After the wedding, a big dinner was planned in the
ball room of the estate. This also was like a movie event and a highly
formal one. All guests were announced by a major domo like in the old
days. When we were due he announced us as Ms Toni Westerloo and Mr. Matt
Doesburg. I could see Toni's parents look up automatically. They rung for
breath as nothing had prepared them for the sight the saw now. During the
day Toni had dressed in rather plain clothes but now she had gone all the
way. She wore a long plain light blue robe that left her back free until
her waist. She wore high heels, had her hair open and just one flower in
it.

From the front, she looked the same as during the other formal affair we
had attended, the classical concert in Rotterdam. The optics was again
ravishing. Her dress covered her from her feet to her neck. She did not
wear any jewelry but the faces down in the ball room confirmed my first
impression when I saw her like that. She was not some woman, she was
woman. To me she was the most beautiful person in the room even shadowing
the bride. Seeing the expressions on many faces I knew that I was not alone
with my opinion.

Her parents were now really at a loss. Several times I saw them watching
Toni intently. They noticed of course all the looks she got from the other
guests. Later that evening I even noticed that some pride crept into their
faces. Still it was very clear that they could not understand what had
happened to their oldest son. Unfortunately it was also clear that they
were not at all ready to give in and talk about it. Toni and I felt very
sorry at the end. Because we also had no idea whatever we could have done
to melt the ice. Also that evening ended without a real contact and we
stayed as estranged to them as before.

During that evening I had a long talk with Terry, the youngest of the three
sisters. AS with Mel we got along splendidly together instantly. The first
subject we talked about was Toni. She told me that she could not take her
eyes of her. She also asked me whether she had already had trans gender
surgery. When I said no, she shook her head in bewilderment.

That night I learned why she had not made the same moves as Melanie and
started to visit us after she had become eighteen. There were several
reasons for that. Firstly after her parents had seen that they had lost
Melanie too, they sent Terry to Australia after she finished high school to
study English and International Law in Sydney and stay with relatives.

Terry had her own reasons to agree with the plans and she only stayed with
the relatives until she became eighteen, before moving into an own
apartment. She had come over from Sydney to attend the wedding. I felt very
comfortably with her, although there was a kind of barrier between us that
I could not explain.

Altogether the USA visit was a good one. I had been there already several
times and Toni knew of course about my feelings about the country. The
voyage was also important for me to see how she would react to the USA and
the Americans. On the flight back she told me that she now understood my
attitude. She loved Eric and his parents, she especially loved Boston and
she even would have no problem to live there.

To be continued.
Your comments are eagerly awaited at:  mailtomatt@ymail.com