I was in hell. I've never liked taking photos, but this was particularly bad. Shoved into a tuxedo - which my mom had surprised me with, because she'd clearly been conspiring with Ellie for a while - and forced to stand in a series of poses with Melissa while my mom cooed at stupid things like how 'different' I looked, or how well my tie matched Mel's red dress.
Then there were group photos, at Ellie's insistence, and I was forced to fake a smile, even though Louis and I were standing right next to each other. He and I also kept getting told to 'stand closer' by the parents taking the photos, and I was instructed to put my arm around his shoulders at one point. It wasn't as if I could talk to him during any of that, and it felt like torture.
For all my mom's talk of this being a night for me and my friends to remember forever, the people seeming to get the most joy out of it were definitely the parents. Of course they were, though. They'd all been served champagne, while all of my classmates and I had to be satisfied with sparkling grape juice. Only three of us in the whole year were still under eighteen. But Elohim High had never been good at nuance.
The school's parking lot had been decorated for the occasion - a small stage had been set up in front of the gate at the grand sandstone entrance, and extra greenery had been moved in to augment the usual trees that dotted the sidewalks. A red carpet had been run along the path to the slipway where cars could pull up right outside the entrance, and a lot of the parking spots had been filled with tables bearing drinks and snacks.
It seemed a bit over the top, given that everyone would be hopping in our limousines - or whatever other vehicles people had wrangled - and heading off to the fancy hotel in town which held the ballroom where the real dance would take place. The parents had been invited to stay for as long as they liked afterwards though, and the drinks seemed to be flowing, so my guess was that the school was going to take advantage of this emotional evening by pumping them for donations one last time.
"You could at least look like you're trying to enjoy yourself, you know." Melissa smirked, picking at the neckline of her dress. "I wore one of those stupid adhesive bras for this."
I chuckled. "My apologies to your boobs."
"Damn right." She grinned. "Poor things aren't even getting groped tonight."
"I could try, but my heart wouldn't be in it."
"You wouldn't know what to do with them, is the problem." She laughed. "But I'll settle for you just telling me I look pretty."
"You look beautiful."
"Thanks." She beamed at that. "Yeah, the red was a good choice. Look at the two of us. Gingers, embracing it."
She stepped back and twirled. I wasn't just trying to be nice - she really did look amazing, in her red dress with black accents, as the light of the sunset played off her coppery hair. She'd even done her makeup darker to match. All she needed was a pair of horns, and it would have made an excellent, if overly elegant, devil-themed halloween costume.
I only had two splashes of colour in my tux - the matching tie and pocket square that she had organised for me. I think that was the case for most of the guys - certainly everyone in our group. John had a green tie to match Sarah's dress, Jamie and Jess had their matching deep blue that brought out their conveniently matching eye-colours. Sue's boyfriend - whose name I had immediately forgotten - was actually wearing a white suit and tie with a black shirt, to match her very cool geometrically patterned black-and-white dress.
Ellie, of course, made sure her pairing was the most spectacular. Her deep purple dress with gold accents made her look like royalty, something that she'd clearly been going for. Her hair had been braided up into a crown, and tresses of it draped regally down her back, studded with pearls and little golden star. Gary was dressed simply, but he wore a matching golden tie, intricately knotted, and instead of a pocket-square he had a small spray of golden flowers. We'd both been Ellie's projects today, but he'd definitely gotten more attention. Luckily for me.
If Ellie's look was the most impressive, Angela's was definitely the biggest transformation. She'd ditched her glasses, worn makeup for the first time I'd ever seen, and straightened her usually frizzy hair, pinning it up in a simple but elegant knot. She wore a pale blue dress that really made her eyes stand out. Everyone who saw her did a double take to figure out who she even was.
And then there was Louis, who as always, cleaned up so well. He'd also ditched his glasses, and styled his hair. He wore a simple tux, like me, and his pale blue tie was also matched to Angela's dress. I'd seen him looking this good before, even if I was too stupid to realise what it had been doing to me at the time. But being aware of it... it was kind of taking my breath away.
"He looks good, doesn't he?" Mel asked softly, putting her hand on my arm.
I looked over at her and sighed. "Yeah. He really does."
"Any chance you two idiots are going to try and talk again tonight?"
I fidgeted nervously. "Well, it hasn't gone well so far."
"Yeah." She let out a deep breath. "Sorry, I know you hate it when I stop the jokes and get sincere, but you two are very frustrating."
"I know." I grinned. "Sorry about that."
"You will be." She adjusted her dress and pulled at my arm. "Now, come on, I think we're getting ready for the limos to take off. Ellie's the committee member who got to pick the order, so you know we'll be leading the procession."
"Right."
I let her lead me towards the red carpet. Before we were due to leave, it seemed like there'd be a speech from our headmaster, Mr. Haupt. He was a very chaotic and disorganised man, so it didn't kick off immediately. It gave my mom time to pull me away from Mel, who wandered over to chat with Ellie and Gary.
"Are you ready?" she asked.
That felt like a loaded question, but I knew she just meant to go to the dance. "Yeah, I think so."
"Good. Just try to have fun, okay?" She reached up and dusted what could only have been imaginary lint off of my shoulders. "I know you get grumpy about doing things like this, but this is the last high school event you'll ever have to put yourself through, so just enjoy it, please. You have your friends - a lot of them."
"Yeah." I grinned sheepishly. "Kind of late though, isn't it?"
"Well, at least you have them now. That's something. And I really like Louis. I'm so glad you two are such good friends. I love Ellie, of course, but it's nice that you have someone... who has so much in common with you." She shrugged. "And I think he's been a good influence, too."
"Yeah, Louis is great." My eyes drifted across to him. He was just standing there, happily chatting with Angela. I wondered what he was thinking. I pulled at my collar, and turned back to my mom. "So, uh... are you sticking around after we head off?"
"Definitely." She smiled. "We've gotten the babysitter for the twins anyway, so Malcolm and I will probably go out to dinner, but I think we'll stick around and drink the free champagne until the school starts asking us for money."
I laughed. "That's what I thought they'd do, too."
"Strange. It's almost as if we're related." She fiddled slightly with my collar and leaned up to give me a kiss on the cheek, wiping it afterwards to make sure she hadn't left lipstick behind. "Okay, there's your headmaster. You'll probably be leaving quite quickly after his speech. Bye, darling."
"Bye, mom."
"Say hi to Louis for me." She gave me a serious look. "And please have fun."
"I'll try." I grinned.
She smiled, nodded and slipped away. Caitlyn stalked past me, clearly in a bad mood. She was wearing a big, fluffy dress in her trademark bubblegum pink. She also looked beautiful, but angry, as always. I avoided her, since I wasn't in the mood to trade barbs. Besides, the fact that she hated Eric too was almost endearing, given how I felt about him.
I went to go stand with Mel and Ellie while Mr. Haupt launched into his incredibly generic diatribe about the rewards of academic success. He followed it up with some corny jokes about ageing clearly designed to amuse the parents - they fell flat with the students, anyway - and just enough claptrap about the importance of friends and lifelong bonds that I had to shake my head and tune it out to stop myself from getting embarrassingly misty.
But then that was it. We were heading out. It wasn't the last time I'd ever be seeing my high school, since we'd all have to be back for the awards ceremony at the end of the year. There was something about looking back, though, before I climbed into the limo. It felt very final.
Riding with me were Sara, John, Mel, Angela and - of course - Louis. I don't know if Ellie had specifically planned that, or if it had just worked out that way, but it was awkward, either way. I was at least grateful that Jamie had ended up in the other one. From both of us, actually. I didn't want Louis looking at him and wondering. So maybe Ellie had planned it, after all.
It didn't get me any closer to talking to him, though. Not about that, anyway. It was an eight-seater for only six of us, but that was hardly roomy enough for a very private aside. Fortunately, everyone else was in better spirits, especially since Sue had made sure that the limos came packed with actual alcohol. The two of us nervously sipped away at our drinks, and he would occasionally even respond to me, or laugh at one of my stupid jokes. It gave me hope that we could at least try talking at the dance.
Hope which slowly started fading as we got there, because it looked like the event was going to be very formal, and I wasn't sure how we'd get away from the rest of the group. Hotel staff opened the limousine doors for us, and we poured out onto another red carpet that ran down a long, ornate hall, full of antique brass light features and cream marble tiles.
Mrs. A was there, wearing a black sequinned dress that looked bizarre on her - way too decorative, but at least appropriately dark. She'd taken over the coordination of the actual event to make sure the evening ran smoothly. Last year's dance, which had been purely run by the students, had gone off the rails - they'd all gotten drunk and someone had been rushed to the emergency room with a broken leg, or something. There might have been some property damage, too. I thought it sounded quite fun, but Mrs. A would clearly disagree with that assessment.
So we were all made to get into a pair of lines, boys on the right, girls on the left. Ellie, claiming the benefits of having been on the dance committee, got her way and was able to lead from the front of the procession. We all walked slowly along the hallway until we reached a grand pair of oak doors, which swung open for us as we approached.
The ballroom was amazing - a massive space with beautiful vaulted ceilings, adorned with decorative carvings. The floor-to-ceiling windows had red velvet drapes, and a plush navy coloured carpet covered the whole floor. Beautifully set tables, with pure white table clothes, gleaming crystal, sparkling silver and delicate ceramics. Ten ornate golden chairs circled each table, and a grand chandelier of gleaming brass hung in the middle of the room.
Incongruously, as if it were an afterthought - which I was fairly sure it was - a small light-up dancefloor had been set up underneath the chandelier, and a DJ booth had been unceremoniously plopped down one end of it. The DJ was a middle-aged guy who looked like he'd seen better days. He clearly wasn't reading the room, because he was playing some ridiculous song that I didn't even recognise. The music was so loud that we had to shout to communicate.
We lined up for the photographer, and got our couple's pictures done. I wasn't happy there were more photos, but not having the fawning parents there made it a bit more bearable. Except for the part where I had to put my arm around Louis again. This time, I knew it was Ellie's fault that we'd ended up next to each other, but I was too preoccupied to glare at her. He looked directly into my eyes as we broke apart, and it felt like my heartbeat tripled its pace.
But after that, we all settled down at our seats, guided by Ellie to place settings that had cards with our names on them. Jess and Jamie were the only people who weren't at our table. Ellie shouted over the music to explain to me that she'd had to cut someone from ours, and Jamie had wanted to be with his friends. She'd talked to Jess, who was fine with it, and mostly just happy to have been invited anyway.
Our table was skilfully coordinated, even if I wasn't quite happy about how far Louis was away from me, because it made it impossible to even try to talk to him. But Ellie had arranged it so that not only were people sitting next to their date, but they were also - with the exception of Sue's boyfriend and Gary, who were next to each other - sitting next to someone else they got along with.
So Sue and Angela, Louis and John, Sara and Melissa, Ellie and me had all been placed together, with our dates on the other side of us. Which was nice, because the DJ didn't relent the whole evening, and the only way you could talk to someone was by leaning over and shouting.
I didn't know if Ellie thought she was having a magical evening. For me, it wasn't great. Even without the Louis thing, I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to be enjoying. The music was too loud, conversation just couldn't happen.
The weird juxtaposition of the formal dinner service of five courses with the clueless DJ would have been comical, if it wasn't so uncomfortable. Mrs. A eventually caught on that it was a problem, but by then we were already eating dessert, and as the music died down, our ears were ringing, and conversation remained stunted.
It didn't help that Louis was only one seat off from being directly opposite to me at the table, so we were mostly in each other's line of sight, and found ourselves accidentally locking eyes the whole evening. Both of us would quickly glance away every time the other one looked up, but it still sent my heart thumping in my chest every time it happened.
The 'dance', if it was actually supposed to be about dancing, was a complete bust. The DJ didn't seem to know how to get anyone on their feet any more than he knew how to keep things quiet and low-key when we were busy eating. The whole class migrated onto the dancefloor when he managed to play one song we actually all recognised and liked. I think it was more out of a sense of obligation, because it would have been weird to have not danced at all. Even Louis and I joined for that, although I still didn't get a chance to talk to him.
That one round of dancing happening was probably more luck than anything, because by the next song, the DJ had lost half of us, and by the one after that, it was pretty much only the people from our table still making an effort. I'd settled back down at my seat, and after a few more songs, Louis had joined me, although he'd gone to his place instead of sitting anywhere near me. He got up again, way too quickly. Before I'd even had the chance to work up the courage to move over and talk to him. He headed off towards the bathroom.
I wanted to break something. One of the stupid crystal glasses they'd been pouring our fruit juice into would have done nicely, but Mrs. A was still lurking around the edges of the room, glaring at us all like an angry dragon. So I just watched Louis go, feeling like my heart was bouncing around in the bottom of my ribcage.
A hand appeared in front of me, and I looked up to find Mel, who'd left the dancefloor. She held out her arm, and I rolled my eyes, but grabbed it anyway and stood up. The rest of the group was still there making idiots of themselves, and I didn't really want to mope at the table alone. Mel wove her arm through mine, and started marching me away from the table.
But we didn't join the others - we actually headed directly away, weaving around the tables. Making our way to the bathroom.
"Why, Mel?"
I saw her grin mischievously, but she didn't respond. She just kept marching me. I could have resisted, but her grip was like iron. I also wasn't confident enough in my brand-new dress shoes to just stop walking. She probably would have fallen over, and pulled me down with her, so that we'd collapse in a big, embarrassing heap on the floor.
We got to the bathroom door, and she let go of my arm. I turned to face her. She pointed her finger at me. "You're going to go in there and talk to him."
"But-"
"No, seriously. I'm tired of this bullshit. You won't say things to him, he won't say things to you, but you're both happy to sit there staring at each other all night, making us all feel awkward." She shook her head. "I'm sick of it. Ellie's sick of it. Sue doesn't even know what's going on, and she's sick of it - I love that girl, by the way. Blunt as a fucking shovel. But anyway, we are done. You're going in."
With one hand, she firmly grabbed my arm - so firmly it hurt - and with the other, she pushed open the door to the men's room and shoved me inside. I stumbled as I entered, and looked back to see her grabbing the handle and winking at me as she pulled the door closed. Louis was staring at me with an amused expression on his face as I turned to look at him.
I cleared my throat. "Uh... Mel is meddling."
"Yeah, I see that." He chuckled softly.
I heard her muffled voice from the other side of the door that probably said, "Speak to him!"
I sighed.
"Yes?" He raised his eyebrows.
"I..." I shook my head, and took a deep breath. Well, at least I didn't have to worry about starting awkwardly now. Mel had already made that happen. I looked up at Louis, and tried to smile. "You've been there for everything that's happened to me this year. The stuff with Eric, and with Jamie, and..." I flinched slightly as I saw the muscles of his jaw tighten. "Just all of it. So you've kind of had a front row seat to what a mess I am."
"You're not a mess," he said softly.
I laughed sadly. "I am, though. I've made so many fucked up choices this year, when I should have just stepped away. Tried to control myself. It's not like I needed to do any of the stuff I did this year, and... I don't think I'd be good for you, Louis. You say you made your mistakes, but you made them a while ago, and I don't think they were anywhere near as bad as mine. And you're so mature and together, and you've been such a good friend and I just..." My words caught in my throat slightly, but I pushed through. "I don't think I deserve you."
He bit his lip, and nodded slowly. My words hung heavy between us, and I was filled with a sense of dread, like he was about to agree with me and walk out of my life forever. His every motion felt like it was tearing into my chest, and if we stood there in silence too much longer, I thought I'd collapse. Mercifully, though, he took a deep breath and started to speak.
"Jay, that's absolutely ridiculous. I've had a crush on you since the first day I met you. Do you have any idea how much it hurt finding out about you and Eric? It felt like the cruellest possible joke the universe could play on me. You guys, getting together. Every time he told me about you two doing something, I hated him for it. I hate Nick now, and Jamie too, even though I don't really know him.
"I could handle it when you were just that cute guy from AP maths, who I could barely manage to even talk to. You were just a fantasy then. But then you became real - you became my friend. This last year has been hell. I couldn't stop thinking about you, but I felt guilty. You were Eric's, even when you weren't anymore. When you broke up I hated myself for being happy about it when you were in so much pain.
"So don't you dare treat me like a victim, okay? Not when I've been here this whole time, wanting you, and too wrapped up in my own head to do anything about it. And worse. I shouldn't have kept nudging you towards Eric, because I thought it was somehow the high road to get you and him back together. You probably wouldn't have ended up getting involved in all that stuff with him and Nick, if I hadn't."
I was still struggling to process it all. He'd really wanted me that long? Was that why he'd been so awkward when we'd first met? When I thought of all the times he'd been there for me - always listening to my problems, never judging, ignoring his own feelings, never taking advantage of me when I was feeling down - I wanted to kick myself.
"Besides, what I want isn't the problem. It never was. I really like you, Jay. I have forever. But you need to like me back, or I can't..." He exhaled sharply. "What do you want?"
"I... don't know." It felt more like a reflex at this point, and seeing Louis look at me like that - annoyed, yearning - I hated myself for not being able to get the words out. I wanted him. It should have been that easy. I was about to open my mouth and try again when he sighed heavily.
"Then figure it out. Quickly." He said the last word emphatically, and shrugged. "Sorry. I'm going to head back."
Mel tumbled into the room as he pulled open the door. He quietly marched past her, his jaw set, and back towards the table. She gave me a sheepish grin and gently pulled the door shut behind them. Even once he was gone, my brain was still struggling to form a response.
I glared at my reflection. "Fuck."
I was almost having trouble believing it. Since he'd met me. He'd really wanted me, for that long, and hadn't said anything. But of course he wouldn't have. There was never a good time. I'd gone straight into a relationship with his friend, and then from the fallout of that breakup to the weird situation with Jamie, and then almost instantly into the mess with Eric and Nick.
I had no doubt I wanted Louis. Not the way I had wanted Nick, where my physical desire had trumped my distaste for his personality. Or the way I'd wanted Jamie, where the excitement of a long-standing crush, finally fulfilled, had trumped any of my doubts about the situation. And not even the way I had wanted Eric, where physical desire and the mystery and excitement had swept me away into what I thought was an epic romance. One that made me willing to overlook things.
No, I knew exactly who Louis was. I knew how much he cared about his friends, how he'd do anything to make sure the people he cared about most were okay. He'd give people second, third and even fourth chances. He loved maths - not just doing well at it, he was actually deeply interested in it in a way that I just could never understand. He loved books almost as much as I did. And he was definitely much braver than I was.
I knew other things too - flaws, although I didn't really see them that way. He hated confrontation, and would avoid it, even if that did more harm than good. He had a compulsive need to organise things, and couldn't relax until he was surrounded by order.
I knew him so well. And I knew I wanted him. I don't know why I had to be hyperventilating at a bathroom mirror to figure that out - it should have been obvious.
I'd want him even if he didn't want me. That's what I was so afraid of. That's why I couldn't talk to him about it. But he did. And I did. We were both trying so hard to not want each other because it would hurt too much if it was unrequited, but we were both being... idiots. I spun around, not sure what I was going to do, but suddenly very sure about what I wanted.
"Have you fucking died in here?" Mel barged in and stomped over to stand next to me at the sink. I stayed quiet, so she shrugged and started checking her hair and makeup in the mirror.
After a few seconds, I snapped out of it. "This is the boy's bathroom."
"Well, I have more balls than you." She grinned, and finished fiddling with her hair. "Oh, come on. You obviously want to be with Louis, right?"
I sighed. "Yes."
"And you're going to tell him? Tonight?" She turned to me.
I grimaced. "I'll try."
"You fucking better do more than just try. But it can wait until the after party. I can barely hear myself think out there. This DJ is so crappy." She grabbed my arm. "But come on, let's get back. That teacher of yours will be giving her speech and telling us to go to hell soon."
"Sure." I chuckled and let her lead me out.
As the door swung open, Jamie jumped back from the other side. When he saw Mel, his eyes shot up back to the sign on the door. But then he looked back and saw me, and he tilted his head, a confused expression on his face. I glanced across at Mel, who had a wicked grin spreading on her face.
"Hey Jamie." Mel let go of my arm, and used her hands to push up her boobs, as if she were adjusting them. "Classy place, isn't it? The bathroom stalls are so roomy. Two people fit, easy. Right, Jay?"
She slipped past him, and his gaze followed her into the room. His head snapped back to me, looking even more confused, and I laughed. Feeling at least a bit cheered up by Mel's joke, I winked. His head jerked back in surprise, and he gave me a nervous smile, but I didn't stick around to talk. I just followed in her wake, chuckling softly under my breath.
Our table was empty, and Mel had headed straight for the dance floor. Clearly another popular song had come on, because most of the tables were clear - I could see Caitlyn sitting alone at one of them, and Lea and Nick deep in conversation at another. At the one closest to me, Jess was sitting all on her own. I didn't feel like dancing, so I walked over and slipped into the chair next to her.
"Hey." She gave me an encouraging smile. "How's your night going?"
"Okay, I guess." I shrugged. "Yours?"
"Well, it's kind of hilarious how much your school's dance is being ruined by this shitty DJ. But other than that, I'm having fun. Maybe because of that. Jamie's cute, and his friends are..."
"Interesting?"
She laughed. "Sure, let's go with that. Dru's a bit of an ass. Matty's nice, but apparently he's been with his girlfriend for months now. Figures."
"Yeah, the good ones get taken."
"And the shitty ones get left to roam free." She sighed, but kept smiling. "It's fine. You at least have... Or... um..."
"Yeah, apparently it's blatantly obvious to everyone."
"It is." She chuckled. "Sorry. But it's nice that you have him, and he's one of the best guys in the world. Anyone who can be nice to me after the way I treated him is basically a saint."
"Right."
"So you should go for him. For the sake of those of us who DON'T have good options." She grimaced. "And as for me, I guess I'll just wait until university. In the meantime, maybe I'll try to hook up with someone who's one-hundred-percent straight, for once."
"Um..." I rubbed the back of my neck. I kind of had to tell her. "So... maybe not Jamie."
She let out a snort of laughter. "Oh shit. Okay, noted."
"Yeah." I grimaced. "Don't... say anything. To anyone."
"Hey, I'm already great at keeping everybody else's secrets. Don't worry about it." She shrugged, and nodded behind me. "Looks like Ellie wants you."
I looked back, and Ellie was standing over at our table. She gestured violently as she saw me turn. I sighed. "Bye, Jess. See you at the after party."
"Bye."
I headed over to Ellie, and we took our seats. "What is it?"
She flicked her eyes to the dance floor, and satisfied that all of our friends were still out there, she leaned towards me. "Mrs. A's going to do the closing speech in a few minutes, and we're going to have to go. So... Have you talked to him yet?"
"Yeah, a bit. Mel shut us in the bathroom together."
"Oh MY!" She clutched her hand to her chest, a huge grin on her face.
"Oh, grow up." I rolled my eyes. "But we talked a little."
"And?"
I sighed. "I don't know, Ellie. I really want... I'm not sure. And that's part of the problem."
"Pffft." She leaned back, shaking her head at me. "Of course you know. Don't be ridiculous."
"Fine. Maybe I do." I rubbed the side of my face. "But every time I try to get the words out, I just freeze."
"So then don't use words. Do one of those grand, romantic gestures."
"It's like you haven't even met me." I gave her a flat stare.
"Oh, come on. You are absolutely ridiculous. Pretending you're not just as much of a hopeless romantic as the rest of us." She laughed softly. "But really, Jay, the after-party - that's it. That's your last chance. You're not going to have much excuse to hang around with him again unless you're willing to convince him to come to Ballito with us. And go yourself, actually."
"We could still hang out together. During the holidays."
"You can barely talk to him now. You're going to invite him for a sleepover when the two of you are behaving like this?"
"Shit." She was right. Of course she was. I didn't have infinite chances to get this right. If I thought it was difficult to talk to him already, when we had easy excuses to be around each other, it would be much worse later.
"Exactly." She crossed her arms. "So tell him what he needs to hear, or figure something else out."
"Okay." I took a deep steadying breath, and looked up at her in panic. "Now?"
"No, we're leaving soon." She gestured towards the centre of the room. "Mrs. A's on her way to the DJ booth."
I turned around and saw Mrs. A weave her way through the tables. This really was it. She reached the DJ, and quickly pulled him aside. He nodded amicably, and immediately shut off the music, causing everyone who had been dancing to pause in shock. Mrs. A dithered for a second - looking back at him with a scathing look - but then she just shrugged and picked up the microphone.
"Sorry about that. Thank you, everyone. This concludes the dance. We haven't rented the ballroom for much longer, so if you could please leave in an orderly fashion. I understand Lea has organised an after-party at a nearby club - please speak to her for details, if you haven't already. I'll see you all at the end of the year for the awards ceremony. Enjoy your holidays, provided you've passed all your finals and won't need to be doing the makeup tests, in which case I'll see you sooner." With that, she casually dropped the microphone back on the DJ's booth and strode out of the hall.
"Well, that was abrupt." Ellie chuckled. "I guess we should move on. Let's go gather everyone."
It didn't take us long to leave, and to pile into the series of Ubers, cars and still-rented limos. But when we pulled up in the clubbing district, it was clear the glamour of the evening was definitely over, insofar as it had actually existed.
The place Lea had organised wasn't even on the main street, with all the good clubs. It was down one of the side roads, and one that looked pretty sketchy. I'd heard from Ellie that the choices had been pretty limited because there were only about sixty of us who had gone to the dance, so none of the nicer places had wanted to close down for us - or even make allowances for the fact that a handful of us would be under eighteen. Which is why Lea had ended up with the difficult job, and not Ellie.
Her face made me think that maybe she regretted that, as we came up the stairs and into the main room. It was basically a sports bar, and the worst part is there were still other people in there - a couple of hipsters who were sneering so heavily at us that it was clear they'd be leaving soon, a depressed looking man hanging off the edge of the bar, and a very intimidating guy covered in tattoos and piercings. And Vince, of course, looking super casual and a bit out of place, but very happy to see us.
Ellie rounded on Lea as she got up the stairs. Lea waved shyly. "Hey, Ellie. Hey, Jay."
"What the hell, Lea? What is this place?" Ellie crossed her arms.
Lea shook her head sadly, wincing slightly at Ellie's tone. "It was the only place that was willing to have us."
"But..." Ellie looked around, at a loss. "There are still people here, and-"
"We're not paying them, Ellie." Lea was frowning slightly. "You told me we needed a place for free. They're going to close the door and put up a sign once we're all in, but they didn't want to kick out their regulars before we got here."
"But-"
"Ellie!" Lea stamped her foot. "This was the best I could do, okay? If you wanted something better, you should have organised it yourself." She suddenly seemed a bit shocked at her own reaction. "Sorry. But... Sorry. It'll just have to be fine."
I didn't notice Nick had appeared at the stairs behind us while they were talking. He gave me a nervous smile and then rushed after Lea. Ellie turned to me, her expression part shocked and part amused.
"Did I..." Her voice trailed off, and she tilted her head. "Maybe push Lea a bit too far?"
"I think you might have." I chuckled. "I always knew she'd snap, one day."
"Well, I'll apologise later. Good for her, though. I always thought she could be a tad more confident." She sighed in resignation. "I guess this place is fine."
"Absolutely. We're all here together, right? That's what counts."
"True." She pursed her lips. "Okay, let's go figure out if there's anywhere we can sit down with our friends without needing to get tetanus shots afterwards."
I laughed and followed her through the bar. It wasn't that bad. It was still a place in the city, so it was a lot cleaner than the weird, outskirts dive-bar we'd gone to for John's birthday. And the music was actually pretty good, at least by my standards. Lots of garage rock, not too loud. We could still talk, and drink.
So we did that, and I was having fun - real fun, with my real friends. My heart nearly broke at the thought that it might be the last time it was ever quite like this with us, but I couldn't let that get in the way of just taking time to enjoy being around them. After a few drinks, even Louis and I were starting to relax around each other. If I drank enough, I'd probably have the courage to tell Louis the way I really felt.
But, on my way to the bar for another beer, I realised I really didn't want to do that. Sloppily confessing my love for Louis, just because I was drunk, would be terrible. He deserved so much better than that. After waiting for me for nearly a whole year - or, not even waiting for me, but gracefully just being there at my side the whole time - he deserved honesty. The kind that didn't need chemical assistance.
Or maybe he at least deserved Ellie's theorised grand, romantic gesture. Whatever that could be.
So I got myself a water, and headed back to the table, but the sight I came across on the dancefloor had the power to pause me in my tracks. Lea was making out with the terrifying tattoo guy. More than that - they were grinding against each other, and running their hands all over. Her more enthusiastically than him, as far as I could tell.
Some people were making a valiant effort to keep dancing around them and ignoring the spectacle, but no one's heart was really in it. Everyone was staring at poor, timid Lea, suddenly making out in a public place with a guy who was at least ten years older than her. Energetically, no less. And stone-cold sober, too, because she was one of the under-eighteens.
I looked up, and caught Nick's eye - he'd been one of the people standing on the side of the dancefloor, staring. When we made eye contact, he mouthed the word 'Ew' to me, and shrugged, smiling. He had said, that one night, that Lea had been into me because she was kind of scared of me. Clearly she'd found someone scarier, and gone after what she really wanted. Good for her.
I set my water down on the table behind me, and made a beeline for where my friends were standing. Some of them were staring at the dancefloor - Lea was putting on quite the show, after all - but I could see Louis, leaning against the wall behind them, drinking his beer, too mature to engage.
I walked right up to him, and his eyes shot up to mine. His expression looked slightly shocked at my sudden appearance, but a hint of a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. He put his beer down on the table next to him. "Hey, Jay. I-"
He didn't have time to finish, as I stepped in to mash my face against his. He let out a slight, muffled yelp, and then melted into the kiss as I worked my tongue into his mouth. Fuck it. If Lea, of all people, could make out with a stranger she'd met an hour ago - whose name she might not even know - I could do it with my best friend, who I'd started to love.
Maybe I shouldn't have. I'd never asked him if he'd be comfortable with that. Me kissing him in front of everyone. He was a lot more comfortable with being out than me, and out to a lot more people, but we'd never quite talked about PDA.
Still, though, it was his tongue that was pushing back at mine just as forcefully, and his hands that were running down my back, pulling me towards him, feeling like they were causing sparks at every contact. His hardness that I felt pressed against mine as I leaned against him, pinning him to the wall.
My friends had gone quiet, but I didn't care. I didn't even care if the rest of my classmates had seen us. The school couldn't expell me anymore - finals were out of their hands - and if anyone got homophobic, I'd never have to see them again. The only thing that could have stopped me from touching Louis was my own self-consciousness. In the face of how much I wanted him, it felt like such a tiny, insignificant thing.
Eventually, he managed to push me off. He was panting for air, and he'd only managed to dislodge me because I'd needed to come up for air just as much as he did. Although he'd had to initiate the separation - if it were left to me, I'd have kissed Louis until I suffocated.
He chuckled, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
I raised my head, and locked eyes with him, nodding slowly. "I've never been this sure of anything. It's you, Louis. I want you."
"You figured it out." A broad grin spread across his face.
Even through the music, I could still hear a note of pride in his voice, and I nearly melted. I liked it when Louis was proud of me. Even for something as stupid as finally knowing which guy I wanted to kiss.
I thought I heard Ellie suppress a squeal behind me, and I definitely heard a satisfied grunt from John. But I didn't bother turning around, because Louis was reaching his hand forward, and pulling me into another kiss.
And that was all I cared about.
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